Hill Street Blues (1981–1987): Season 3, Episode 2 - Domestic Beef - full transcript
Furillo risks a backlash after voting one of his peers guilty of improperly managing his precinct. Washington and LaRue both apply for same position outside the precinct. Belker and Goldblume go undercover as ice cream men.
Item 9,
which, for lack of a more suitable epithet,
we will merely refer to as the weather.
Extended forecasts,
people, prepared in
cooperation with the
National Weather Service:
High pressure system
maintaining for the southeastern tier.
Relative humidity,
98.9%. Wind, negligible.
Overnight low, 82 degrees.
Current at city
hall, 86 degrees.
Daytime high
expected, 101 degrees.
Loosely translated, my hearties,
those of you vacationing at
Shoreside Condominiums this week...
can look forward to at least three
more days of chart-breaking sunshine.
Those of you involved
in more civic pursuits...
can expect a heat-related
30% rise in felonious assault,
25% rise in 2-11's,
particularly liquor and
appliance store-wise,
a consequent 120%
increase in public intoxication...
and, most critically, people,
a domestic disturbance
jump of a whopping 200%.
Item 10. In light of the continuing
and deplorable armed robberies...
of local ice cream
vendors this past month,
Detectives Belker and
Goldblume will undertake
a second day of
undercover assignment...
as DeGaetano Ice Cream drivers.
Ice cream!
Nobody's gonna buy
any ice cream from Belker.
Notwithstanding, plainclothes
backup by Detectives Ruis and Munster.
Now, let us all keep
our various ears peeled...
to any radio
assistance requests.
Item 11. Come on,
people! Last item!
A little forbearance.
A divisional memo regarding
this evening's all-precinct...
Forgive the
expression... Roast...
commemorating Chief Daniels'
25th anniversary in the department...
To be held at 7:00 p.m.
in the air-conditioned
Tahitian room of
the Kubiak Lodge...
and featuring on
stage, I might add,
a good half dozen of
law enforcement's...
most acerbic and
rapier-witted roast raconteurs...
Not the least of which being
our own Captain Francis X. Furillo,
along with Lieutenants
Calletano and Hunter.
Though tickets have been
moving at an extremely brisk pace,
be assured a good 80% of
the best tables are yet available.
A final cautionary note, people.
Let's learn a lesson from
Officer William Ludwig,
who, as many of you
know, took four inches of
barbecue fork in the
right lung last night...
while answering a
domestic call on East Utica.
To paraphrase the
venerable writer of Marlowe,
it's the kind of heat that
makes every gin-mill wisecrack...
a homicide stat.
It's the kind of heat...
that makes even the
meekest housewife...
feel the edge of the bread knife
as she eyes her husband's neck.
You see why I didn't
get married, huh?
So, while all those about
us are losing their cool,
let's endeavor, shall
we, to keep ours.
All right. That's
it. Let's roll.
And let's be careful out there.
You know, you look great when
you sweat. Thank you very much.
7:30 in the morning,
and I'm perspiring already.
Tell me something I haven't already
smelled. It ain't because of work.
It's because I
couldn't... Captain.
Overheated garbage truck in
the Delaware Avenue underpass.
Thirty-four minutes, Leo.
Thirty-four minutes to go two blocks!
Neal, I'm not talkin'
about some graveyard
shift rent-a-cop gig in
Cleveland, you know.
I'm talkin' executive
security management of
the third largest resort
hotel in the Bahamas.
Man, look! Beaches,
Neal. Swimming pools.
More first-rate tropical booty
than you can shake your snorkel at.
Look, babe, I know you went through a lot
of trouble lining up this interview for us,
but I guess I'm just kind of
attached to this town, you know?
Oh! Hey, me too! Hey,
don't get me wrong.
Hell, I love junkies gettin'
sick on my shoes twice a week.
I get off on transvestites, dried blood,
people lunging at me with barbecue forks.
Oh, yeah. This town?
Regular joy machine.
I can't take it no
more! I can't take it!
I can't take it! I can't take
it! I can't take it anymore!
I can't take it! I can't take
it! The Bahamas, Neal.
Dispatch. We have a 9-11.
Armed robbery in progress.
See surplus store, corner
People's Drive, 124th Street.
"And when the chief came home
and saw the car in the living room,
"he asked his wife,
"'How did you get the
car in the living room?'
"And she said, 'It
was easy, Fletcher.
I drove it through
the kitchen.'"
Now, you tell me
that's not funny!
Humor as a second
language, Frank.
I've been trying to make our
old amigo here understand...
that it is probably the most semantically
demanding genre of the English language.
Tito Puente, by
way of the Catskills.
I suppose you can
do better, Howard.
Oh, well, listen, I
spent over three hours
last night tryin' to
come up with one-liners.
I couldn't come up with
enough to fill one index card.
Oh, courage, old sport.
You're among friends.
How's this for openers?
Okay. "A lot of people
have accused our
chief of being somewhat
tight with a dollar.
"This is patently untrue.
Why, just last week
he gave his wife a
necklace that once
belonged to Woolworth's."
Uh... Yeah, well, and
speaking of choke holds...
That once belonged
to a millionaire.
Excuse me, Joe? It needs
the extra beat, Captain.
He gave his wife a necklace that once
belonged to a millionaire... Woolworth.
I like that.
Good. Hey, Joe, you have
any more of these? Yeah.
My cousin Vinnie used to do stand-up
openers in Jersey for Vic Damone.
Vic Damone?
Try this one on for
size. Talk about cheap.
Chief Daniels keeps $10 bills
folded up in his pocket so long,
Hamilton gets ingrown whiskers.
That's terrific!
He tears the December page off the
calendar at Christmastime to fool his kids.
He takes their glasses off when
they're not looking at anything.
Not so fast, Joseph,
please! I don't get that one.
Well, he takes their
glasses off... Captain! Sorry.
You're due at the Board of
Rights hearing in 20 minutes.
Oh! Oh, thanks, Leo.
Gentlemen, excuse me.
Joe, can I have
a minute, please?
Uh, listen, you could really
bail us out tonight, you know,
if you could work out a
five-minute routine for the roast.
I don't know, Captain. I've
never really... Tickets are on me.
Appreciate it. Yo, Shecky!
We got a domestic situation
down on Lynwood Avenue.
Oh, terrific. Hot weather
domestic, night of my big debut.
I'm probably gonna end up gettin'
shot in some two-bit tenement.
Better there than on stage,
huh? Ooh, what's that?
Oh! It's a joke!
It's a little joke!
Open up! This is the police!
Do you have a key for the door?
That nasty old fool
installed his own dead bolt!
No key. It sounds like
somebody's gonna die in there.
You better break it in. All right.
Give me some room here. Ma'am.
Come on! What's he gonna do?
Step back!
Please, give me some
room! Oh, just get it...
Oh, my God!
Lordy, Lordy! Have you
ever seen such a sight?
Joe! Joe, be careful, now. She
might be all deranged from the heat.
All right, big guy.
Why don't you just
move back over here?
We gotta get her outta
here. Come on. Hold her.
Everybody back up. Come
on. Back up! Back up! Come on.
Give us some air so we can get him
outta here, huh? Come on, come on.
You know, lady, there's zoning
laws against this sort of thing.
Don't tell me, man! Tell him!
Okay, freeze, pal, right there!
Don't shoot, mama! Don't shoot!
Hold it!
Get the hands up on the
wall. On the wall. Spread 'em!
You believe this stuff, Joe?
Oh! A regular traveling
slaughterhouse!
Hey, there's a brand on here from Schiffman
Brothers Meats. This is a hot cow.
I never saw that
animal before in my life!
Look, you read him his
rights. I'm gonna bring
this animal down to
the unit and get a wagon.
Yeah, right. You have
the right to remain silent.
What are you laughin'
at? You're under arrest, pal!
That's right, and you're
up five flights of stairs.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- There's a lot of things
you can get a cow to do.
You can get a cow to
drink beer and sit on a brick.
You can get a cow to chase
dogs with a bag over his head,
even go up five
flight of stairs.
But there's one thing in this world you
ain't never, ever gonna get a cow to do.
And what is that?
Go down five flights of stairs.
Ain't in their nature.
Got no down genes!
This Board of Rights in
the matter of Louis Hogan,
charged with six counts
of official misconduct,
is once again in session.
Captains MacPherson of
Midtown, Furillo of Hill Street...
and Fuchs of Special
Narcotics presiding.
Captain Hogan, just
a few more questions.
Are you continuing to maintain,
as you testified yesterday,
that for almost a year
you had no knowledge of
officers of your Jefferson
Heights Precinct...
using room 313 of the
Downtowner Lodge to "coop,"
i.e., to sleep, play poker and engage
in sexual liaisons during working hours?
Correct.
Nor knowledge that
certain vice officers were
receiving sexual
favors from prostitutes?
Correct.
Nor knowledge of drug disappearances
from the precinct evidence bin,
nor police brutality complaints
finding their way into the circular file?
Correct. Not until
you people in Internal
Affairs did your job and
started uncovering it.
Our job? What about
your job, Captain?
If I characterize the Jefferson Heights
Precinct during the last 11 months...
as a precinct gone wild, a
cowboy precinct, an open sewer,
could you honestly dispute me?
Couldn't you smell it? Were you
without a nose as well as blind?
I don't need any snot-nosed remarks
about my sensory apparatus, Lieutenant!
I've earned four Medals of
Merit in 21 years on this force,
three citations for bravery...
Lou, uh, please.
If I could refer back to
a specific incident here,
the record shows that on June 6,
you received rumors
that certain officers...
were "cooping" at the
Downtowner Lodge.
What did you then do?
I turned it all over to one of my
sergeants. Sergeant Williams, I believe.
And were the officers involved
referred to you for disciplinary action?
No.
Were they transferred? No.
Were they referred to
Internal Affairs or demoted?
No.
Well, then, Lou,
at some later date,
did you get back to Sgt. Williams to
find out the disposition of the situation?
No. Frank... Lou.
Then what made you think that
the situation had been taken care of?
Look, come on,
Frank! You're a captain!
How can you run a precinct
without trusting the guys under you?
They let me down.
Is that my fault?
I didn't handpick 'em.
Maybe they're dirty. I'm not!
From what you've said
here, I can only conclude...
that you turned your
back on the whole situation.
Is that a question,
Captain? If it is, I would...
I was never dirty!
I've been an honest
cop for 21 years, Frank.
Frank, we've been around
this tree a half a dozen times!
All you're accusing him
of is being a bad manager.
All right. So he's
too easygoing. Okay.
But give him a decent
bunch of guys in a
soft spot like Farmingdale,
and he'd do fine.
You know he would! He didn't get
Farmingdale, Jerry, he got the Heights.
So? Luck of the draw.
Hey! No one's claiming the man's
a General MacArthur here, hmm?
Let me tell you
something, Frank.
If I were in Lou Hogan's
chair, I'd be lookin'
over to my peers for
the benefit of the doubt!
I'm giving him the
benefit of the doubt.
The benefit of the doubt says if he
misses one or two, okay, but this record...
Eleven street cops, seven detectives,
one lieutenant and two sergeants...
have all been disciplined.
Jerry, you heard the testimony.
With all that cooping business, he
never once checked back with his sergeant.
Bottom line, he didn't know! He
should've known! It was his job to know!
It's not enough to hang a guy!
I'm not out to hang Lou!
He and I go back years.
But if we find him innocent, we validate
everything he's done or failed to do.
Gentlemen, can we vote, please?
No... No. Just one more minute.
We're all captains here. We
know how hard it is to be a captain.
If we say that Lou
Hogan's not responsible
for all that mess over
at Jefferson Heights,
whether he knew or not,
we diminish the authority
of every one of us.
Lou Hogan would win,
sort of, but you'd lose, Jerry,
and I'd lose, and
so would Roger.
I'd lose? You speak for yourself.
I'm not the Blue Angel over here.
Oh, come on. Let's
vote. Hey, let's vote!
If you reject responsibility, you'll
lose authority. It's as simple as that.
The whole department's
waiting for this decision.
Are captains ultimately
responsible or aren't they?
Are we worth a damn or not?
Come on! It's 107 degrees
in here. Let's get it over with.
No, wait a minute.
No. Come on, Jerry!
Maybe we should talk
about this a little bit longer.
You think we could send
out for some more iced tea?
Iced tea!
The job is in the bag, Neal. I'm
gonna charm that interviewer's socks off.
What's her name? Fowler.
Yeah, Fowler. Well, I'm gonna
charm Ms. Fowler's socks off.
I've never been good in interviews,
man. Look at the bright side, huh?
She gives me the job,
and then as director of
resort security, I appoint
you my right-hand man.
I' m not sure it's the right move
for me right now, babe, anyway.
Right move! Neal, my man.
You are a 36-year-old
ex-jock with one bad knee,
a third-rate set of wheels
and a dead-end career outlook.
You tell me. Thanks
for the pep talk, boss!
The arrogance. 102 degrees!
The heat is rippling off the
pavement. I'm moving my truck.
I see an express bus behind
me. I pull over. I wave him by.
The driver waits until
he's right next to me,
then he floors it and gives me a
lethal dose of carbon monoxide.
I had to eat two almond crunch
bars to get the taste out of my mouth.
You're a very
sensitive man, Henry.
I'm goin' out there with a sign that
says "rob me." I gotta get off the street.
Toilet back up this
morning, Belker?
No wonder you people
never had a homeland.
Just the heat, sport.
Frays the ol' dendrons.
The entire
metropolis is on edge.
Well, you look pretty
collected, Lieutenant.
Zen and the art of interior
maintenance, Michael.
It's a little Oriental number I picked up
in the Mekong during the Tet snafu of '69.
Those bloody geeks had us cut
off from our "S" routes for 28 days.
Draw a little circle in
your cerebral cortex.
You got it?
Then you concentrate
all of your pain...
in that slowly
diminishing circumference.
Diminish, diminish,
diminish, dissolve.
It's all in the mind, guy.
- Waitress!
- Yeah, honey?
I distinctly ordered this
Salisbury steak medium rare.
I certainly don't call
this medium rare.
Honey, you don't call
anything medium rare.
Just look at this
incinerated gruel!
It's patently well done!
Uh-uh. Well done is black!
That's, uh, pinkish-gray.
Keenly interested as I am in the
opinion of coffee shop help, madam,
I must, nevertheless, insist...
that you exchange
this brûlée grotesque...
for one medium rare.
In addition to which, you will
henceforth address me as "Lieutenant."
Forget it, honey.
Take it back, you
impertinent scullery maid!
- Take it back, I say!
- Don't you bark at me, buster!
I've been serving you the same slop
five days a week for four years running,
and the most you ever
left me was a quarter!
Perhaps if you had
executed your job
properly, you would be
compensated properly.
Do you believe this guy? A
quarter tip for a five-buck lunch.
In Saudi Arabia, you would be physically
maimed for this sort of malfeasance!
You don't get squat
from me, you two-bit Nazi!
That's it! That is it!
Coley, arrest this woman!
Ah!
Lady, the lieutenant wants a
Salisbury steak, medium rare, that's all.
You think you can get him a Salisbury
steak, medium rare? Keep the change.
Let's get a little fresh air. Judas
Priest! Women's lib run amok!
I assume, after going
through the literature,
you're aware of the
scope of our operation?
Mm-hmm. Two 18-hole
golf courses, tennis club,
80-slip marina,
condominiums, hotel,
private beach facilities
and two restaurants.
I'll tell you something...
I decided, I don't
get the job, I'll retire
down there anyway.
I must say, Detective LaRue, these
are most impressive credentials.
Two Medals of Valor, I see.
It's one of the more
questionable fringe benefits...
of stopping a bullet
in the line of duty.
The department's answer
to workmen's compensation.
If you don't mind my asking,
is there any particular reason...
you'd like to leave
your present position?
Excuse me,
but you're asking me why,
after 12 years in one of the worst
urban wastelands in this country,
I'd risk a substantial raise in
salary to work in the Bahamas?
Your point is well made.
Oh, I'm afraid our
time is about up.
How'd it go? It's in the
bag, my man. In the bag.
She thinks I'm the greatest
thing since air-conditioning.
Neal Washington?
Do you have any
suggestions? Uh, I...
Hey, why don't you just shoot him up with
some Nembutal and drag the dude down, huh?
Shoot him up? This is purebred,
grade-A kosher beef, you junkie!
Hey, Bates!
Brady downstairs tells us
you got a little problem up here.
No, we got no problem. We're just lovin'
spendin' the day with this cow inside.
Well, why don't you just
drag it down the stairs?
Cows don't go downstairs.
Got no down genes.
Bull!
Come on.
I said, come on.
Come on, man. You better
listen to what I'm telling you, boy.
You listen... Whoa!
I've had it, man! You go get
down there now! Get downstairs!
Hey, look, seein' how the guy's
gonna be hamburger anyway,
why don't you just butcher him up
here and then backpack him on out?
For God's sake, this is
an $1,800 kosher animal!
That is really
cold, Bobby! I got it!
What?
If this animal doesn't want
to go down, we'll take him up.
Up? Up! On the roof.
I'll radio in for a copter, we'll
put a body harness around him...
and just lower him
down to the street.
A helicopter. That's it.
Yo!
What'll it be, gentlemen?
Two fudge bombs.
Two fudge bombs.
Two fudge bombs.
Two fudge bombs. All right.
Could we, you know,
pay you tomorrow?
My uncle say he's gonna
give me five dollars tomorrow.
Go on! Get outta here!
Get 'em up, slick!
Your wallet too.
I got no wallet. Just the
change. Just don't shoot.
Freeze it! Police!
You do anything, she
buys it! She buys it!
Son?
I'm a police officer too.
There's a lot of people around.
A lot of people could get hurt.
So, just don't shoot.
Just don't shoot now.
Nobody wants to shoot.
Let's talk about this.
How old are you, son?
Son? You 16?
If you're 16, you can still get
youthful offender treatment for this,
but that's just for the robbery.
More happens, you're
runnin' the risk of escalating
this sucker way past
anybody can help you.
So, how old are you? Fifteen.
Okay.
Now,
you gonna let me
help you on this?
You gonna let me be your lawyer?
I'm tellin' you.
Now, you lay that gun down
now and leave the kid go.
Kid didn't do anything.
You do that,
and we'll get you
the best deal on Y.O.
What do you say, son?
Otherwise, there could
be a lot of people dead,
and you're gonna
be one of 'em, son.
Just lay it.
Come here, doll.
Spread 'em!
All right!
All right. All right.
Okay, who wants a
free ice cream, huh?
The panel will now announce its
verdict in the matter of Louis Hogan.
This Board of Rights,
with Captain
MacPherson dissenting,
finds as follows as to the charges of
official misconduct against Captain Hogan:
As to the first count, guilty.
As to the second count, guilty.
As to the third count, guilty.
As to the fourth count, guilty.
As to the fifth count, guilty.
As to the sixth count, guilty.
This hearing is recessed
until Monday morning at 9:30,
at which time a hearing
of penalty will commence.
Back with our pregame
show after this live report.
- This is Cynthia Cox.
- Hey, look who's on TV!
With a story that gives new meaning to that
old police catch phrase "domestic beef."
It's Renko! Hey, it's
Renko on the news flash.
Driving southbound
on Central and...
Well, Mr. Stephens? Why don't
you just tell us, what happened?
Well, uh, I was
driving like that, see?
And all of a sudden, right
out of the sky... Damn!
Officer Renko of Hill Street
station, maybe you could fill us in.
Am I on?
Oh! Well, uh, the subject was
your basic Hereford-type cow.
And he was up on
the roof over there.
And we were attempting to lift
him off with a police helicopter.
And everything was goin'
pretty good until, all of a sudden,
the copter just started
to kind of buck and sway,
and then the cow
started to mooin'.
And then, after that, the
harness just kinda snapped...
like some telephone
wire or somethin' like that.
The cow just started to fall, and it
was just mooin' when he hit the hood...
of Mr. Stephens's
Buick over there,
which veered away from the intersection in
the direction of the Hard Rock Cafe there,
spun around three times.
And I believe there's a great deal
of damage been done to that vehicle.
And for that we apologize. The department
does apologize for that action on our part.
Thank you, Cynthia. That's it
from here, Doug. Now, back to you.
That's a lot of barbecue.
You know, Renko handles
himself pretty well on camera.
In the business, we
call that "presence."
Oh, yeah, sure. Sure. I
understand. Thank you.
Yeah. Thanks.
I don't believe it. I
didn't get it. What?
I didn't get the job.
Hey, I'm real sorry, babe,
but I gotta tell you, man,
I wasn't so hot about
the idea to begin with.
What was she lookin'
for, Melvin Purvis?
I had every qualification.
She should've been grate...
She should've been grateful that I
took time out to apply for the damn job!
Washington, for you!
Geez.
Yeah?
Good work out there, Henry. Mmm.
You know, Frank,
all day long kids would come
up to me... kids Josh's age.
They'd ask to go a quarter light.
They'd go two or three on a cone.
I mean... You know,
you just wish you could...
It'd be nice if they
could afford ice cream.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, thanks.
Hey. Hey, hey. Come on.
We're a couple of street
cops, huh? What do we know?
She offered me the job, J.D.
You got deputy? Hey, congratulations.
Come on, man. I mean it.
No sour grapes from this end.
She offered me head of
security. Hey, head of se...
My job?
She said I fit
their job profile.
Hey, hey. What's
the difference, lover?
I'll just bring you in as my deputy.
They say no, I won't take the job.
No. No. No way! Not me.
Can you see me as a deputy?
I am a detective on a first-rate
metropolitan police force, pal.
I'm top dollar. Hey,
wait a minute, brother!
The job was good enough
for you to give to me,
so how come it ain't
good enough for you, huh?
It's not that way at
all, Neal. I mean, it's...
It wouldn't be right for
me. Yeah! Gotcha, bro!
Hey! Hey, you wait a minute now.
Who was it, just a minute ago,
said he wasn't so hot on the idea?
Now, all of a sudden,
you're bent outta shape...
'cause I don't think second
banana's worth leavin' home for either?
That's your damn problem, J.D.!
You don't think about a lot of things!
Rough day on the
stakeout, huh, Mick?
No, Lieutenant, it
was a piece of cake.
The radiator on that stinkin'
milk wagon blew up on me,
and I spent the whole afternoon
bangin' the engine block.
You ever have an oil pan
bust on top of you, Lieutenant?
What?
Hi, Ma. What's wrong?
No, nothing's wrong.
Something's wrong.
I'm fine, Ma. You're not fine.
I'm fine, Ma! All right!
I can't talk to you
right now, Ma.
I'm in the middle of booking
a major murder suspect.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
What dinner?
Tonight?
Well, of course I
remember what day it is, Ma!
It's...
It's your birthday.
You forgot, didn't you?
Don't be silly, Ma. How
could I forget your birthday?
Well, I love you the
same amount, Ma.
I'll see you tonight. I'm
gonna call you back later.
Okay. Love you. Bye.
Stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid.
Excuse me, Miss Davenport.
Could we... Would you mind?
Yes, of course.
Thank you very much.
I got a serious problem. Legal?
No. I forgot it's my
mother's birthday today.
I haven't gotten
her a present yet,
and I'm supposed
to be there at 6:30.
I'm sure she'll understand if
you give her a present tomorrow.
She won't understand, Miss
Davenport. You don't know my mother.
What did you have
in mind? Suicide.
I always get her jewelry.
It's like a tradition.
But look, all the jewelry
stores are closed now.
I thought maybe you could
tell me what I should get her.
How 'bout some
roses? No, she's allergic.
Candy. Oh! She'd kill me.
She's got a small
weight problem.
Do you think she'd like this?
Sure, she'd like it.
It's very gorgeous.
Take it. I'll replace it
and give you the receipt.
No, I can't do that. Why not?
I don't know. I
just can't do that.
Detective, it'll be just
like buying it yourself.
You'll reimburse me for
the cost of the replacement.
Really, it's fine.
Oh!
Oh, I don't know what to say.
Don't... Don't say anything.
Miss Davenport,
you're as far from a
dirtbag as they come.
Thank you.
Hello, counselor.
Hot enough for y...
What's wrong?
Nothing. I'm sure I'm fine.
Frank?
Do you, uh...
Do you think these clothes will
be all right for the roast tonight?
Sure. Because I won't have
time to go home and change.
I'm going to go and wash
my hands for a little while.
Frank!
You really did it to me!
You hung me out in there!
You gonna terminate me
now? You might as well.
That three-month mandatory suspension's
the same thing as terminating me!
Either way, you've destroyed
my career. Now, isn't that the truth?
Lou... You know it's
the truth! I'm finished!
Lou, I can't talk to you
about this now. I simply can't!
So I hustled into an alley, grabbed a
hunk of two-by-four out of a Dumpster.
Then I waited for him
by the mouth of the alley.
So, I laid that two-by-four
across his... J.D.!
What? Did you see who
that was with the chief?
John Gennaro. Yeah?
Hey, what's a movie star
doin' up here in Slimeville?
Frank, I want you to
meet John Gennaro.
John, Frank Furillo, the best
damned precinct captain I've got.
How are you?
Captain, I appreciate your lettin'
me come and hang out with your guys.
- Hang out?
- Street Dogs, Frank. John's new film.
Or is "vehicle" the word?
Vehicles are movies the
stars make. I'm part of a team.
John's team starts principal photography
here on the Hill in a few months, Frank.
We've promised whatever logistical
and technical support he might need,
but, uh, right now John wants to
spend some time learning the ropes.
Right, but no special treatment.
I just wanna take it all in.
I thought we could send
John on some drive alongs,
maybe put him with plainclothes,
do a stakeout, whatever he wants.
Excuse me.
J.D.?
Detective LaRue, meet John G...
John Gennaro. Hey,
nice to meet you.
Uh, J.D., would you mind
showing John around the precinct?
He's going to be spending
a little time with us.
Introduce him to people, answer
any questions he might have.
Sure, sure, Captain. Come on,
John. You're gonna love this place.
Thank you, Captain.
You're not serious.
We have no choice, Frank.
This one's direct from the mayor.
Oh, great.
I'm supposed to babysit some movie
star who wants to play cops and robbers.
Frank, what can I say?
This is the first Hollywood production
this city has attracted in over a decade.
That company's gonna dump five
million dollars into this city's economy,
an economy, I might
add, which last year
avoided bankruptcy by
a purple you-know-what.
Cheer up, Frank! You'll be
doing liaison with Katy Bambridge.
What's a Katy Bambridge?
Our film board representative.
She's bright, she's
young. A real comer.
His Honor appointed
her last month.
She'll be in tomorrow to clear
up any questions you may have.
In the meantime,
I want you to make sure Gennaro
gets all the education he wants.
Oh, and, Frank,
let's make damn sure he doesn't
get his hair mussed. Capisce?
I wanna swear out a warrant!
Nice to see you again, Fay.
The nerve of that
disgusting filth!
You listen to me, Fay! You can't
just keep barging in here every time...
Well, excuse me, mister,
but I thought I had the same rights to
police protection as every other citizen!
All right. I'm listening.
What's the problem?
My problem is George
Bruckner! Your boss?
Ex-boss. I quit!
How could you just walk
away from such a good job?
Well, I figured I didn't
have much of a choice...
when he called me into his office
and stood up behind his desk,
naked from the waist down!
Did he touch you, or assault you, or
prevent you from leaving the office?
No! Then it's not
police business.
If you feel you've been
sexually harassed, file
a complaint with the
Labor Relations Board.
Well, thank you very
much for your support!
Fay, I've had it up
to here with you!
I have a precinct on
the verge of meltdown,
and you come blowing in
here with your two-bit problems.
Today, it's some flasher.
I'm working here, Fay.
I wouldn't tolerate these
disruptions if we were still married.
I'm sure as hell not gonna
tolerate them now that we're not!
I have noticed that she's here every
day, but then I suppose that's different!
Yes, it is.
She's here conducting
legitimate business,
and she does not prevent
me from conducting mine!
Fay. Listen to me.
I love you and I'm
concerned for your welfare,
but I'm not your husband
anymore and I'm not your father.
And I think it's time you
took control of your own life.
You're right. I know it!
But, Frank, I don't know how!
My whole life is a mess, Frank.
Do you think I enjoy
coming up here all the time?
Don't you think I know
what I must look like to you?
But I can't help it
because I'm scared, Frank.
I don't know how to start
putting it all back together.
I don't either. Maybe a shrink.
Where am I gonna
get the money for that?
Fay, if you really wanna turn things
around, I'm sure you'll find a way.
You can do it, Fay.
I know you can.
Okay?
Okay.
I'm gonna leave now.
Who knows when we'll
see each other again?
Oh, my purse.
See ya.
Bye, Fay.
As a medieval roaster
would've put it...
Uh, and I might add,
in medieval days,
getting roasted could
be a very serious matter...
If you take my thrust.
Or on a more
contemporary vein, uh,
Chief,
commemorating your 25th
anniversary with the department,
I can't help but recall
the memorable words...
of Lord Thomas Erskine...
regarding the
fields of Waterloo.
Lord Er...
Sorry.
Uh, Lord Tho...
Uh...
Just... Oh, Judas. You read it.
Well, uh, I'm sure whatever Lord
Thomas said, it was a real gut buster.
Now, next up, one of
your own rank and file,
a representative of the
Hill, your basic street cop.
Let's hear it for Joe Coffey!
You know...
Uh...
Uh...
A couple of years on
the Hill will do that to you.
It's okay, Joe.
Well, we're here
tonight to pay tribute to
the chief of our
Metropolitan Police Force,
and, uh, I guess I know
him as well as any of you.
Uh, what can I tell you
about old Spunky Daniels?
Rumor has it that, uh,
he's pretty tight with a dollar.
Well, I'm here to tell you
that is categorically untrue.
Why, just last month
he gave his lovely wife a
necklace that used to
belong to a millionaire...
Woolworth.
As a family man,
he is above reproach.
His lovely wife, Ann, can't
forget the first time they ever met,
but she's trying.
Um, I'm not gonna bore
you with any long speeches.
I'll leave that to our guest
of honor, Chief Daniels.
♪♪
That was great!
Thank you, Captain.
He could make a lot of big-name comedians
take a backseat, if he drove a cab.
Anyway, speaking
of the guest of honor...
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi.
I'm Lou Hogan, Captain,
Jefferson Heights.
I'm not exactly on the
agenda tonight, but...
I couldn't pass up
the opportunity...
to be part of all this.
Funny thing happened to
me on the way to the roast.
My best friends shafted
me in a Board of Rights.
I just want everybody
to know I understand.
I guess I just stayed
around too long.
Funny. You want jokes.
Jokes it'll be.
How many cops does it
take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Cops aren't
afraid of the dark.
Have you heard the one about
the priest and the mugger?
Here's the best one.
How many precinct captains
do you gotta sacrifice...
to clean up a dirty
department's rep?
One,
and you're lookin' at him.
Hell, you guys
already knew that one.
Mort Sanders, Preston
Heights. What do ya say, buddy?
Heard you had your house painted
last month, courtesy of the department.
Probably the same cops who drive
your dad to the track every Friday.
Hey! But you're a hero.
Bob Blaine,
fire-eater from Richmond Avenue.
Best-dressed vice
cops in town over there.
Condos at the Shore.
Frank Furillo, Hill Street.
Mr. Clean.
I suppose you don't know...
you got a detective
who puts the squeeze...
to 15-year-old prostitutes,
uniforms dealin' in hot goods.
Hey, get away from me!
I'm gonna have
my chance to talk.
I think you're all a
great bunch of people.
I do.
I wish you all the happiness
and success in the world.
But just let's remember
who made it all possible...
Lou Hogan!
How do you know he
was telling the truth?
He was right about Mort Sanders.
The department painted
his house last month.
A different kind of thing.
Lou Hogan was drunk, Frank.
Bitter, hurt and drunk.
Lou Hogan does not have the
imagination to say it was a 15-year-old...
If there weren't a 15-year-old.
He has a name.
You know, Captain
Clean, you can't be
responsible for every
teensy little thing...
that goes on in your precinct.
Oh, no? That seems to be the
territory I staked out for myself today.
I'll call him in the morning.
Will he talk to you?
I'll make him talk to me.
Ooh, that's cold!
You know, you were the
funniest flatfoot at the roast.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm. But am I as
good-looking as John Gennaro?
Who's John Gennaro? Oh,
good. I didn't know either.
Some movie star who's
gonna be filming up on the Hill.
We're getting older, pizza man.
We don't even know who
the movie stars are anymore.
No, not older. Better. Mmm.
Hello?
Mmm. For you.
What is it?
Y... Furillo.
Wait.
Yeah.
Thanks, Ray.
What?
Lou Hogan went home
and put a gun in his mouth.
He's dead.
which, for lack of a more suitable epithet,
we will merely refer to as the weather.
Extended forecasts,
people, prepared in
cooperation with the
National Weather Service:
High pressure system
maintaining for the southeastern tier.
Relative humidity,
98.9%. Wind, negligible.
Overnight low, 82 degrees.
Current at city
hall, 86 degrees.
Daytime high
expected, 101 degrees.
Loosely translated, my hearties,
those of you vacationing at
Shoreside Condominiums this week...
can look forward to at least three
more days of chart-breaking sunshine.
Those of you involved
in more civic pursuits...
can expect a heat-related
30% rise in felonious assault,
25% rise in 2-11's,
particularly liquor and
appliance store-wise,
a consequent 120%
increase in public intoxication...
and, most critically, people,
a domestic disturbance
jump of a whopping 200%.
Item 10. In light of the continuing
and deplorable armed robberies...
of local ice cream
vendors this past month,
Detectives Belker and
Goldblume will undertake
a second day of
undercover assignment...
as DeGaetano Ice Cream drivers.
Ice cream!
Nobody's gonna buy
any ice cream from Belker.
Notwithstanding, plainclothes
backup by Detectives Ruis and Munster.
Now, let us all keep
our various ears peeled...
to any radio
assistance requests.
Item 11. Come on,
people! Last item!
A little forbearance.
A divisional memo regarding
this evening's all-precinct...
Forgive the
expression... Roast...
commemorating Chief Daniels'
25th anniversary in the department...
To be held at 7:00 p.m.
in the air-conditioned
Tahitian room of
the Kubiak Lodge...
and featuring on
stage, I might add,
a good half dozen of
law enforcement's...
most acerbic and
rapier-witted roast raconteurs...
Not the least of which being
our own Captain Francis X. Furillo,
along with Lieutenants
Calletano and Hunter.
Though tickets have been
moving at an extremely brisk pace,
be assured a good 80% of
the best tables are yet available.
A final cautionary note, people.
Let's learn a lesson from
Officer William Ludwig,
who, as many of you
know, took four inches of
barbecue fork in the
right lung last night...
while answering a
domestic call on East Utica.
To paraphrase the
venerable writer of Marlowe,
it's the kind of heat that
makes every gin-mill wisecrack...
a homicide stat.
It's the kind of heat...
that makes even the
meekest housewife...
feel the edge of the bread knife
as she eyes her husband's neck.
You see why I didn't
get married, huh?
So, while all those about
us are losing their cool,
let's endeavor, shall
we, to keep ours.
All right. That's
it. Let's roll.
And let's be careful out there.
You know, you look great when
you sweat. Thank you very much.
7:30 in the morning,
and I'm perspiring already.
Tell me something I haven't already
smelled. It ain't because of work.
It's because I
couldn't... Captain.
Overheated garbage truck in
the Delaware Avenue underpass.
Thirty-four minutes, Leo.
Thirty-four minutes to go two blocks!
Neal, I'm not talkin'
about some graveyard
shift rent-a-cop gig in
Cleveland, you know.
I'm talkin' executive
security management of
the third largest resort
hotel in the Bahamas.
Man, look! Beaches,
Neal. Swimming pools.
More first-rate tropical booty
than you can shake your snorkel at.
Look, babe, I know you went through a lot
of trouble lining up this interview for us,
but I guess I'm just kind of
attached to this town, you know?
Oh! Hey, me too! Hey,
don't get me wrong.
Hell, I love junkies gettin'
sick on my shoes twice a week.
I get off on transvestites, dried blood,
people lunging at me with barbecue forks.
Oh, yeah. This town?
Regular joy machine.
I can't take it no
more! I can't take it!
I can't take it! I can't take
it! I can't take it anymore!
I can't take it! I can't take
it! The Bahamas, Neal.
Dispatch. We have a 9-11.
Armed robbery in progress.
See surplus store, corner
People's Drive, 124th Street.
"And when the chief came home
and saw the car in the living room,
"he asked his wife,
"'How did you get the
car in the living room?'
"And she said, 'It
was easy, Fletcher.
I drove it through
the kitchen.'"
Now, you tell me
that's not funny!
Humor as a second
language, Frank.
I've been trying to make our
old amigo here understand...
that it is probably the most semantically
demanding genre of the English language.
Tito Puente, by
way of the Catskills.
I suppose you can
do better, Howard.
Oh, well, listen, I
spent over three hours
last night tryin' to
come up with one-liners.
I couldn't come up with
enough to fill one index card.
Oh, courage, old sport.
You're among friends.
How's this for openers?
Okay. "A lot of people
have accused our
chief of being somewhat
tight with a dollar.
"This is patently untrue.
Why, just last week
he gave his wife a
necklace that once
belonged to Woolworth's."
Uh... Yeah, well, and
speaking of choke holds...
That once belonged
to a millionaire.
Excuse me, Joe? It needs
the extra beat, Captain.
He gave his wife a necklace that once
belonged to a millionaire... Woolworth.
I like that.
Good. Hey, Joe, you have
any more of these? Yeah.
My cousin Vinnie used to do stand-up
openers in Jersey for Vic Damone.
Vic Damone?
Try this one on for
size. Talk about cheap.
Chief Daniels keeps $10 bills
folded up in his pocket so long,
Hamilton gets ingrown whiskers.
That's terrific!
He tears the December page off the
calendar at Christmastime to fool his kids.
He takes their glasses off when
they're not looking at anything.
Not so fast, Joseph,
please! I don't get that one.
Well, he takes their
glasses off... Captain! Sorry.
You're due at the Board of
Rights hearing in 20 minutes.
Oh! Oh, thanks, Leo.
Gentlemen, excuse me.
Joe, can I have
a minute, please?
Uh, listen, you could really
bail us out tonight, you know,
if you could work out a
five-minute routine for the roast.
I don't know, Captain. I've
never really... Tickets are on me.
Appreciate it. Yo, Shecky!
We got a domestic situation
down on Lynwood Avenue.
Oh, terrific. Hot weather
domestic, night of my big debut.
I'm probably gonna end up gettin'
shot in some two-bit tenement.
Better there than on stage,
huh? Ooh, what's that?
Oh! It's a joke!
It's a little joke!
Open up! This is the police!
Do you have a key for the door?
That nasty old fool
installed his own dead bolt!
No key. It sounds like
somebody's gonna die in there.
You better break it in. All right.
Give me some room here. Ma'am.
Come on! What's he gonna do?
Step back!
Please, give me some
room! Oh, just get it...
Oh, my God!
Lordy, Lordy! Have you
ever seen such a sight?
Joe! Joe, be careful, now. She
might be all deranged from the heat.
All right, big guy.
Why don't you just
move back over here?
We gotta get her outta
here. Come on. Hold her.
Everybody back up. Come
on. Back up! Back up! Come on.
Give us some air so we can get him
outta here, huh? Come on, come on.
You know, lady, there's zoning
laws against this sort of thing.
Don't tell me, man! Tell him!
Okay, freeze, pal, right there!
Don't shoot, mama! Don't shoot!
Hold it!
Get the hands up on the
wall. On the wall. Spread 'em!
You believe this stuff, Joe?
Oh! A regular traveling
slaughterhouse!
Hey, there's a brand on here from Schiffman
Brothers Meats. This is a hot cow.
I never saw that
animal before in my life!
Look, you read him his
rights. I'm gonna bring
this animal down to
the unit and get a wagon.
Yeah, right. You have
the right to remain silent.
What are you laughin'
at? You're under arrest, pal!
That's right, and you're
up five flights of stairs.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- There's a lot of things
you can get a cow to do.
You can get a cow to
drink beer and sit on a brick.
You can get a cow to chase
dogs with a bag over his head,
even go up five
flight of stairs.
But there's one thing in this world you
ain't never, ever gonna get a cow to do.
And what is that?
Go down five flights of stairs.
Ain't in their nature.
Got no down genes!
This Board of Rights in
the matter of Louis Hogan,
charged with six counts
of official misconduct,
is once again in session.
Captains MacPherson of
Midtown, Furillo of Hill Street...
and Fuchs of Special
Narcotics presiding.
Captain Hogan, just
a few more questions.
Are you continuing to maintain,
as you testified yesterday,
that for almost a year
you had no knowledge of
officers of your Jefferson
Heights Precinct...
using room 313 of the
Downtowner Lodge to "coop,"
i.e., to sleep, play poker and engage
in sexual liaisons during working hours?
Correct.
Nor knowledge that
certain vice officers were
receiving sexual
favors from prostitutes?
Correct.
Nor knowledge of drug disappearances
from the precinct evidence bin,
nor police brutality complaints
finding their way into the circular file?
Correct. Not until
you people in Internal
Affairs did your job and
started uncovering it.
Our job? What about
your job, Captain?
If I characterize the Jefferson Heights
Precinct during the last 11 months...
as a precinct gone wild, a
cowboy precinct, an open sewer,
could you honestly dispute me?
Couldn't you smell it? Were you
without a nose as well as blind?
I don't need any snot-nosed remarks
about my sensory apparatus, Lieutenant!
I've earned four Medals of
Merit in 21 years on this force,
three citations for bravery...
Lou, uh, please.
If I could refer back to
a specific incident here,
the record shows that on June 6,
you received rumors
that certain officers...
were "cooping" at the
Downtowner Lodge.
What did you then do?
I turned it all over to one of my
sergeants. Sergeant Williams, I believe.
And were the officers involved
referred to you for disciplinary action?
No.
Were they transferred? No.
Were they referred to
Internal Affairs or demoted?
No.
Well, then, Lou,
at some later date,
did you get back to Sgt. Williams to
find out the disposition of the situation?
No. Frank... Lou.
Then what made you think that
the situation had been taken care of?
Look, come on,
Frank! You're a captain!
How can you run a precinct
without trusting the guys under you?
They let me down.
Is that my fault?
I didn't handpick 'em.
Maybe they're dirty. I'm not!
From what you've said
here, I can only conclude...
that you turned your
back on the whole situation.
Is that a question,
Captain? If it is, I would...
I was never dirty!
I've been an honest
cop for 21 years, Frank.
Frank, we've been around
this tree a half a dozen times!
All you're accusing him
of is being a bad manager.
All right. So he's
too easygoing. Okay.
But give him a decent
bunch of guys in a
soft spot like Farmingdale,
and he'd do fine.
You know he would! He didn't get
Farmingdale, Jerry, he got the Heights.
So? Luck of the draw.
Hey! No one's claiming the man's
a General MacArthur here, hmm?
Let me tell you
something, Frank.
If I were in Lou Hogan's
chair, I'd be lookin'
over to my peers for
the benefit of the doubt!
I'm giving him the
benefit of the doubt.
The benefit of the doubt says if he
misses one or two, okay, but this record...
Eleven street cops, seven detectives,
one lieutenant and two sergeants...
have all been disciplined.
Jerry, you heard the testimony.
With all that cooping business, he
never once checked back with his sergeant.
Bottom line, he didn't know! He
should've known! It was his job to know!
It's not enough to hang a guy!
I'm not out to hang Lou!
He and I go back years.
But if we find him innocent, we validate
everything he's done or failed to do.
Gentlemen, can we vote, please?
No... No. Just one more minute.
We're all captains here. We
know how hard it is to be a captain.
If we say that Lou
Hogan's not responsible
for all that mess over
at Jefferson Heights,
whether he knew or not,
we diminish the authority
of every one of us.
Lou Hogan would win,
sort of, but you'd lose, Jerry,
and I'd lose, and
so would Roger.
I'd lose? You speak for yourself.
I'm not the Blue Angel over here.
Oh, come on. Let's
vote. Hey, let's vote!
If you reject responsibility, you'll
lose authority. It's as simple as that.
The whole department's
waiting for this decision.
Are captains ultimately
responsible or aren't they?
Are we worth a damn or not?
Come on! It's 107 degrees
in here. Let's get it over with.
No, wait a minute.
No. Come on, Jerry!
Maybe we should talk
about this a little bit longer.
You think we could send
out for some more iced tea?
Iced tea!
The job is in the bag, Neal. I'm
gonna charm that interviewer's socks off.
What's her name? Fowler.
Yeah, Fowler. Well, I'm gonna
charm Ms. Fowler's socks off.
I've never been good in interviews,
man. Look at the bright side, huh?
She gives me the job,
and then as director of
resort security, I appoint
you my right-hand man.
I' m not sure it's the right move
for me right now, babe, anyway.
Right move! Neal, my man.
You are a 36-year-old
ex-jock with one bad knee,
a third-rate set of wheels
and a dead-end career outlook.
You tell me. Thanks
for the pep talk, boss!
The arrogance. 102 degrees!
The heat is rippling off the
pavement. I'm moving my truck.
I see an express bus behind
me. I pull over. I wave him by.
The driver waits until
he's right next to me,
then he floors it and gives me a
lethal dose of carbon monoxide.
I had to eat two almond crunch
bars to get the taste out of my mouth.
You're a very
sensitive man, Henry.
I'm goin' out there with a sign that
says "rob me." I gotta get off the street.
Toilet back up this
morning, Belker?
No wonder you people
never had a homeland.
Just the heat, sport.
Frays the ol' dendrons.
The entire
metropolis is on edge.
Well, you look pretty
collected, Lieutenant.
Zen and the art of interior
maintenance, Michael.
It's a little Oriental number I picked up
in the Mekong during the Tet snafu of '69.
Those bloody geeks had us cut
off from our "S" routes for 28 days.
Draw a little circle in
your cerebral cortex.
You got it?
Then you concentrate
all of your pain...
in that slowly
diminishing circumference.
Diminish, diminish,
diminish, dissolve.
It's all in the mind, guy.
- Waitress!
- Yeah, honey?
I distinctly ordered this
Salisbury steak medium rare.
I certainly don't call
this medium rare.
Honey, you don't call
anything medium rare.
Just look at this
incinerated gruel!
It's patently well done!
Uh-uh. Well done is black!
That's, uh, pinkish-gray.
Keenly interested as I am in the
opinion of coffee shop help, madam,
I must, nevertheless, insist...
that you exchange
this brûlée grotesque...
for one medium rare.
In addition to which, you will
henceforth address me as "Lieutenant."
Forget it, honey.
Take it back, you
impertinent scullery maid!
- Take it back, I say!
- Don't you bark at me, buster!
I've been serving you the same slop
five days a week for four years running,
and the most you ever
left me was a quarter!
Perhaps if you had
executed your job
properly, you would be
compensated properly.
Do you believe this guy? A
quarter tip for a five-buck lunch.
In Saudi Arabia, you would be physically
maimed for this sort of malfeasance!
You don't get squat
from me, you two-bit Nazi!
That's it! That is it!
Coley, arrest this woman!
Ah!
Lady, the lieutenant wants a
Salisbury steak, medium rare, that's all.
You think you can get him a Salisbury
steak, medium rare? Keep the change.
Let's get a little fresh air. Judas
Priest! Women's lib run amok!
I assume, after going
through the literature,
you're aware of the
scope of our operation?
Mm-hmm. Two 18-hole
golf courses, tennis club,
80-slip marina,
condominiums, hotel,
private beach facilities
and two restaurants.
I'll tell you something...
I decided, I don't
get the job, I'll retire
down there anyway.
I must say, Detective LaRue, these
are most impressive credentials.
Two Medals of Valor, I see.
It's one of the more
questionable fringe benefits...
of stopping a bullet
in the line of duty.
The department's answer
to workmen's compensation.
If you don't mind my asking,
is there any particular reason...
you'd like to leave
your present position?
Excuse me,
but you're asking me why,
after 12 years in one of the worst
urban wastelands in this country,
I'd risk a substantial raise in
salary to work in the Bahamas?
Your point is well made.
Oh, I'm afraid our
time is about up.
How'd it go? It's in the
bag, my man. In the bag.
She thinks I'm the greatest
thing since air-conditioning.
Neal Washington?
Do you have any
suggestions? Uh, I...
Hey, why don't you just shoot him up with
some Nembutal and drag the dude down, huh?
Shoot him up? This is purebred,
grade-A kosher beef, you junkie!
Hey, Bates!
Brady downstairs tells us
you got a little problem up here.
No, we got no problem. We're just lovin'
spendin' the day with this cow inside.
Well, why don't you just
drag it down the stairs?
Cows don't go downstairs.
Got no down genes.
Bull!
Come on.
I said, come on.
Come on, man. You better
listen to what I'm telling you, boy.
You listen... Whoa!
I've had it, man! You go get
down there now! Get downstairs!
Hey, look, seein' how the guy's
gonna be hamburger anyway,
why don't you just butcher him up
here and then backpack him on out?
For God's sake, this is
an $1,800 kosher animal!
That is really
cold, Bobby! I got it!
What?
If this animal doesn't want
to go down, we'll take him up.
Up? Up! On the roof.
I'll radio in for a copter, we'll
put a body harness around him...
and just lower him
down to the street.
A helicopter. That's it.
Yo!
What'll it be, gentlemen?
Two fudge bombs.
Two fudge bombs.
Two fudge bombs.
Two fudge bombs. All right.
Could we, you know,
pay you tomorrow?
My uncle say he's gonna
give me five dollars tomorrow.
Go on! Get outta here!
Get 'em up, slick!
Your wallet too.
I got no wallet. Just the
change. Just don't shoot.
Freeze it! Police!
You do anything, she
buys it! She buys it!
Son?
I'm a police officer too.
There's a lot of people around.
A lot of people could get hurt.
So, just don't shoot.
Just don't shoot now.
Nobody wants to shoot.
Let's talk about this.
How old are you, son?
Son? You 16?
If you're 16, you can still get
youthful offender treatment for this,
but that's just for the robbery.
More happens, you're
runnin' the risk of escalating
this sucker way past
anybody can help you.
So, how old are you? Fifteen.
Okay.
Now,
you gonna let me
help you on this?
You gonna let me be your lawyer?
I'm tellin' you.
Now, you lay that gun down
now and leave the kid go.
Kid didn't do anything.
You do that,
and we'll get you
the best deal on Y.O.
What do you say, son?
Otherwise, there could
be a lot of people dead,
and you're gonna
be one of 'em, son.
Just lay it.
Come here, doll.
Spread 'em!
All right!
All right. All right.
Okay, who wants a
free ice cream, huh?
The panel will now announce its
verdict in the matter of Louis Hogan.
This Board of Rights,
with Captain
MacPherson dissenting,
finds as follows as to the charges of
official misconduct against Captain Hogan:
As to the first count, guilty.
As to the second count, guilty.
As to the third count, guilty.
As to the fourth count, guilty.
As to the fifth count, guilty.
As to the sixth count, guilty.
This hearing is recessed
until Monday morning at 9:30,
at which time a hearing
of penalty will commence.
Back with our pregame
show after this live report.
- This is Cynthia Cox.
- Hey, look who's on TV!
With a story that gives new meaning to that
old police catch phrase "domestic beef."
It's Renko! Hey, it's
Renko on the news flash.
Driving southbound
on Central and...
Well, Mr. Stephens? Why don't
you just tell us, what happened?
Well, uh, I was
driving like that, see?
And all of a sudden, right
out of the sky... Damn!
Officer Renko of Hill Street
station, maybe you could fill us in.
Am I on?
Oh! Well, uh, the subject was
your basic Hereford-type cow.
And he was up on
the roof over there.
And we were attempting to lift
him off with a police helicopter.
And everything was goin'
pretty good until, all of a sudden,
the copter just started
to kind of buck and sway,
and then the cow
started to mooin'.
And then, after that, the
harness just kinda snapped...
like some telephone
wire or somethin' like that.
The cow just started to fall, and it
was just mooin' when he hit the hood...
of Mr. Stephens's
Buick over there,
which veered away from the intersection in
the direction of the Hard Rock Cafe there,
spun around three times.
And I believe there's a great deal
of damage been done to that vehicle.
And for that we apologize. The department
does apologize for that action on our part.
Thank you, Cynthia. That's it
from here, Doug. Now, back to you.
That's a lot of barbecue.
You know, Renko handles
himself pretty well on camera.
In the business, we
call that "presence."
Oh, yeah, sure. Sure. I
understand. Thank you.
Yeah. Thanks.
I don't believe it. I
didn't get it. What?
I didn't get the job.
Hey, I'm real sorry, babe,
but I gotta tell you, man,
I wasn't so hot about
the idea to begin with.
What was she lookin'
for, Melvin Purvis?
I had every qualification.
She should've been grate...
She should've been grateful that I
took time out to apply for the damn job!
Washington, for you!
Geez.
Yeah?
Good work out there, Henry. Mmm.
You know, Frank,
all day long kids would come
up to me... kids Josh's age.
They'd ask to go a quarter light.
They'd go two or three on a cone.
I mean... You know,
you just wish you could...
It'd be nice if they
could afford ice cream.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, thanks.
Hey. Hey, hey. Come on.
We're a couple of street
cops, huh? What do we know?
She offered me the job, J.D.
You got deputy? Hey, congratulations.
Come on, man. I mean it.
No sour grapes from this end.
She offered me head of
security. Hey, head of se...
My job?
She said I fit
their job profile.
Hey, hey. What's
the difference, lover?
I'll just bring you in as my deputy.
They say no, I won't take the job.
No. No. No way! Not me.
Can you see me as a deputy?
I am a detective on a first-rate
metropolitan police force, pal.
I'm top dollar. Hey,
wait a minute, brother!
The job was good enough
for you to give to me,
so how come it ain't
good enough for you, huh?
It's not that way at
all, Neal. I mean, it's...
It wouldn't be right for
me. Yeah! Gotcha, bro!
Hey! Hey, you wait a minute now.
Who was it, just a minute ago,
said he wasn't so hot on the idea?
Now, all of a sudden,
you're bent outta shape...
'cause I don't think second
banana's worth leavin' home for either?
That's your damn problem, J.D.!
You don't think about a lot of things!
Rough day on the
stakeout, huh, Mick?
No, Lieutenant, it
was a piece of cake.
The radiator on that stinkin'
milk wagon blew up on me,
and I spent the whole afternoon
bangin' the engine block.
You ever have an oil pan
bust on top of you, Lieutenant?
What?
Hi, Ma. What's wrong?
No, nothing's wrong.
Something's wrong.
I'm fine, Ma. You're not fine.
I'm fine, Ma! All right!
I can't talk to you
right now, Ma.
I'm in the middle of booking
a major murder suspect.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
What dinner?
Tonight?
Well, of course I
remember what day it is, Ma!
It's...
It's your birthday.
You forgot, didn't you?
Don't be silly, Ma. How
could I forget your birthday?
Well, I love you the
same amount, Ma.
I'll see you tonight. I'm
gonna call you back later.
Okay. Love you. Bye.
Stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid.
Excuse me, Miss Davenport.
Could we... Would you mind?
Yes, of course.
Thank you very much.
I got a serious problem. Legal?
No. I forgot it's my
mother's birthday today.
I haven't gotten
her a present yet,
and I'm supposed
to be there at 6:30.
I'm sure she'll understand if
you give her a present tomorrow.
She won't understand, Miss
Davenport. You don't know my mother.
What did you have
in mind? Suicide.
I always get her jewelry.
It's like a tradition.
But look, all the jewelry
stores are closed now.
I thought maybe you could
tell me what I should get her.
How 'bout some
roses? No, she's allergic.
Candy. Oh! She'd kill me.
She's got a small
weight problem.
Do you think she'd like this?
Sure, she'd like it.
It's very gorgeous.
Take it. I'll replace it
and give you the receipt.
No, I can't do that. Why not?
I don't know. I
just can't do that.
Detective, it'll be just
like buying it yourself.
You'll reimburse me for
the cost of the replacement.
Really, it's fine.
Oh!
Oh, I don't know what to say.
Don't... Don't say anything.
Miss Davenport,
you're as far from a
dirtbag as they come.
Thank you.
Hello, counselor.
Hot enough for y...
What's wrong?
Nothing. I'm sure I'm fine.
Frank?
Do you, uh...
Do you think these clothes will
be all right for the roast tonight?
Sure. Because I won't have
time to go home and change.
I'm going to go and wash
my hands for a little while.
Frank!
You really did it to me!
You hung me out in there!
You gonna terminate me
now? You might as well.
That three-month mandatory suspension's
the same thing as terminating me!
Either way, you've destroyed
my career. Now, isn't that the truth?
Lou... You know it's
the truth! I'm finished!
Lou, I can't talk to you
about this now. I simply can't!
So I hustled into an alley, grabbed a
hunk of two-by-four out of a Dumpster.
Then I waited for him
by the mouth of the alley.
So, I laid that two-by-four
across his... J.D.!
What? Did you see who
that was with the chief?
John Gennaro. Yeah?
Hey, what's a movie star
doin' up here in Slimeville?
Frank, I want you to
meet John Gennaro.
John, Frank Furillo, the best
damned precinct captain I've got.
How are you?
Captain, I appreciate your lettin'
me come and hang out with your guys.
- Hang out?
- Street Dogs, Frank. John's new film.
Or is "vehicle" the word?
Vehicles are movies the
stars make. I'm part of a team.
John's team starts principal photography
here on the Hill in a few months, Frank.
We've promised whatever logistical
and technical support he might need,
but, uh, right now John wants to
spend some time learning the ropes.
Right, but no special treatment.
I just wanna take it all in.
I thought we could send
John on some drive alongs,
maybe put him with plainclothes,
do a stakeout, whatever he wants.
Excuse me.
J.D.?
Detective LaRue, meet John G...
John Gennaro. Hey,
nice to meet you.
Uh, J.D., would you mind
showing John around the precinct?
He's going to be spending
a little time with us.
Introduce him to people, answer
any questions he might have.
Sure, sure, Captain. Come on,
John. You're gonna love this place.
Thank you, Captain.
You're not serious.
We have no choice, Frank.
This one's direct from the mayor.
Oh, great.
I'm supposed to babysit some movie
star who wants to play cops and robbers.
Frank, what can I say?
This is the first Hollywood production
this city has attracted in over a decade.
That company's gonna dump five
million dollars into this city's economy,
an economy, I might
add, which last year
avoided bankruptcy by
a purple you-know-what.
Cheer up, Frank! You'll be
doing liaison with Katy Bambridge.
What's a Katy Bambridge?
Our film board representative.
She's bright, she's
young. A real comer.
His Honor appointed
her last month.
She'll be in tomorrow to clear
up any questions you may have.
In the meantime,
I want you to make sure Gennaro
gets all the education he wants.
Oh, and, Frank,
let's make damn sure he doesn't
get his hair mussed. Capisce?
I wanna swear out a warrant!
Nice to see you again, Fay.
The nerve of that
disgusting filth!
You listen to me, Fay! You can't
just keep barging in here every time...
Well, excuse me, mister,
but I thought I had the same rights to
police protection as every other citizen!
All right. I'm listening.
What's the problem?
My problem is George
Bruckner! Your boss?
Ex-boss. I quit!
How could you just walk
away from such a good job?
Well, I figured I didn't
have much of a choice...
when he called me into his office
and stood up behind his desk,
naked from the waist down!
Did he touch you, or assault you, or
prevent you from leaving the office?
No! Then it's not
police business.
If you feel you've been
sexually harassed, file
a complaint with the
Labor Relations Board.
Well, thank you very
much for your support!
Fay, I've had it up
to here with you!
I have a precinct on
the verge of meltdown,
and you come blowing in
here with your two-bit problems.
Today, it's some flasher.
I'm working here, Fay.
I wouldn't tolerate these
disruptions if we were still married.
I'm sure as hell not gonna
tolerate them now that we're not!
I have noticed that she's here every
day, but then I suppose that's different!
Yes, it is.
She's here conducting
legitimate business,
and she does not prevent
me from conducting mine!
Fay. Listen to me.
I love you and I'm
concerned for your welfare,
but I'm not your husband
anymore and I'm not your father.
And I think it's time you
took control of your own life.
You're right. I know it!
But, Frank, I don't know how!
My whole life is a mess, Frank.
Do you think I enjoy
coming up here all the time?
Don't you think I know
what I must look like to you?
But I can't help it
because I'm scared, Frank.
I don't know how to start
putting it all back together.
I don't either. Maybe a shrink.
Where am I gonna
get the money for that?
Fay, if you really wanna turn things
around, I'm sure you'll find a way.
You can do it, Fay.
I know you can.
Okay?
Okay.
I'm gonna leave now.
Who knows when we'll
see each other again?
Oh, my purse.
See ya.
Bye, Fay.
As a medieval roaster
would've put it...
Uh, and I might add,
in medieval days,
getting roasted could
be a very serious matter...
If you take my thrust.
Or on a more
contemporary vein, uh,
Chief,
commemorating your 25th
anniversary with the department,
I can't help but recall
the memorable words...
of Lord Thomas Erskine...
regarding the
fields of Waterloo.
Lord Er...
Sorry.
Uh, Lord Tho...
Uh...
Just... Oh, Judas. You read it.
Well, uh, I'm sure whatever Lord
Thomas said, it was a real gut buster.
Now, next up, one of
your own rank and file,
a representative of the
Hill, your basic street cop.
Let's hear it for Joe Coffey!
You know...
Uh...
Uh...
A couple of years on
the Hill will do that to you.
It's okay, Joe.
Well, we're here
tonight to pay tribute to
the chief of our
Metropolitan Police Force,
and, uh, I guess I know
him as well as any of you.
Uh, what can I tell you
about old Spunky Daniels?
Rumor has it that, uh,
he's pretty tight with a dollar.
Well, I'm here to tell you
that is categorically untrue.
Why, just last month
he gave his lovely wife a
necklace that used to
belong to a millionaire...
Woolworth.
As a family man,
he is above reproach.
His lovely wife, Ann, can't
forget the first time they ever met,
but she's trying.
Um, I'm not gonna bore
you with any long speeches.
I'll leave that to our guest
of honor, Chief Daniels.
♪♪
That was great!
Thank you, Captain.
He could make a lot of big-name comedians
take a backseat, if he drove a cab.
Anyway, speaking
of the guest of honor...
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi.
I'm Lou Hogan, Captain,
Jefferson Heights.
I'm not exactly on the
agenda tonight, but...
I couldn't pass up
the opportunity...
to be part of all this.
Funny thing happened to
me on the way to the roast.
My best friends shafted
me in a Board of Rights.
I just want everybody
to know I understand.
I guess I just stayed
around too long.
Funny. You want jokes.
Jokes it'll be.
How many cops does it
take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Cops aren't
afraid of the dark.
Have you heard the one about
the priest and the mugger?
Here's the best one.
How many precinct captains
do you gotta sacrifice...
to clean up a dirty
department's rep?
One,
and you're lookin' at him.
Hell, you guys
already knew that one.
Mort Sanders, Preston
Heights. What do ya say, buddy?
Heard you had your house painted
last month, courtesy of the department.
Probably the same cops who drive
your dad to the track every Friday.
Hey! But you're a hero.
Bob Blaine,
fire-eater from Richmond Avenue.
Best-dressed vice
cops in town over there.
Condos at the Shore.
Frank Furillo, Hill Street.
Mr. Clean.
I suppose you don't know...
you got a detective
who puts the squeeze...
to 15-year-old prostitutes,
uniforms dealin' in hot goods.
Hey, get away from me!
I'm gonna have
my chance to talk.
I think you're all a
great bunch of people.
I do.
I wish you all the happiness
and success in the world.
But just let's remember
who made it all possible...
Lou Hogan!
How do you know he
was telling the truth?
He was right about Mort Sanders.
The department painted
his house last month.
A different kind of thing.
Lou Hogan was drunk, Frank.
Bitter, hurt and drunk.
Lou Hogan does not have the
imagination to say it was a 15-year-old...
If there weren't a 15-year-old.
He has a name.
You know, Captain
Clean, you can't be
responsible for every
teensy little thing...
that goes on in your precinct.
Oh, no? That seems to be the
territory I staked out for myself today.
I'll call him in the morning.
Will he talk to you?
I'll make him talk to me.
Ooh, that's cold!
You know, you were the
funniest flatfoot at the roast.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm. But am I as
good-looking as John Gennaro?
Who's John Gennaro? Oh,
good. I didn't know either.
Some movie star who's
gonna be filming up on the Hill.
We're getting older, pizza man.
We don't even know who
the movie stars are anymore.
No, not older. Better. Mmm.
Hello?
Mmm. For you.
What is it?
Y... Furillo.
Wait.
Yeah.
Thanks, Ray.
What?
Lou Hogan went home
and put a gun in his mouth.
He's dead.