Hill Street Blues (1981–1987): Season 3, Episode 19 - Eugene's Comedy Empire Strikes Back - full transcript

YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!

PREVIOUSLY ON HILL STREET BLUES.

I SWEAR, CAPTAIN, I
NEVER TOUCHED THE GUY.

I GOT A WITNESS RIGHT IN
THAT CELL. HE WAS RIGHT THERE.

- I'M PREGNANT, FRANK.
- PAUL GROGAN.

MAN, YOU'RE A SCREAM.

YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHTA
BE DOING THIS FOR A LIVING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'LL REMEMBER

THE JOINT CHIEFS OF
STAFF OR SOMETHING?

THE OFFICER GOES
INTO THE CELL...

AND A COP WHACKS HIM.
AND THEN HE CHOKES HIM.



I HAVE A SPECIAL CREAM
THAT'S MADE FROM

THE SECRETIONS OF QUEEN BEES.

SECRETIONS, HUH?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, CAPTAIN?

IT'S YOUR FATHER.
HE PASSED AWAY.

THIS IS 500 BIG ONES IN
DEVELOPMENTAL CAPITAL.

MAN, PEOPLE'VE BEEN
COMING UP TO ME ALL DAY

TRYING TO GET A
PIECE OF THE ACTION.

YOU BULLIED ME INTO
TURNING DOWN THIS JOB.

AND THAT I RESENT
YOU FOR IT FOREVER.

I HAVE TO BE A VIRGIN
FOR THE MAN I MARRY.

I CAN RELATE TO THAT.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE CAN'T

MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY.



I WANNA MAKE A LIFE WITH YOU.

I WANT US TO BE MARRIED.

AND NOW, TONIGHT,
ON HILL STREET BLUES.

THANK YOU... THANK YOU.

AND I WANT THIS BABY.

YOU'RE SERIOUS
ABOUT THIS, AREN'T YOU?

I'M A FATHER OF A
16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

NAMED KRISTEN MURPHY, SCUZZ-BAG.

AND YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE
ONE DEAD CHILD MOLESTER.

I URGE YOU NOT TO

PERJUR YOURSELF, MR. CROCKETT.

GET OUT OF MY FACE, OR
I'LL KICK YOUR TEETH IN.

YOU PASSING THE POLYGRAPH
HAS GOTTA TELL 'EM SOMETHING.

THEY NEED A SCAPEGOAT FOR WHAT
HAPPENED DOWN THERE, AND I'M IT.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD
VENEREAL DISEASE?

- DO YOU HAVE IT NOW?
- NO.

- MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME?
- ZIRELLI.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
POLICE OFFICER.

- LET'S DO IT!
- GET OUT OF HERE!

GET OUT OF THE
WAY! HE'S GOT A GUN!

FREEZE!

ITEM EIGHT. COME ON PEOPLE,
WE'RE ALMOST HALFWAY THERE.

IN RESPONSE TO THE
CONTINUED ASSAULTS,

PURSE-SNATCHINGS AND
GENERALIZED RAMPAGING

BY A GROUP OF
DISENFRANCHISED YOUTH

ON NUMBER 14 LINE OF OUR
INNER CITY CITY BUS SYSTEM.

BETTER KNOWN AS THE
GATES AVENUE GAUNTLET

OR MORE COLLOQUIALLY,
THE NAIROBI JOYRIDE.

WE SHALL COMMENCE THIS
A.M. OPERATION BUS STOP.

SAID OPERATION TO
PLACE BEHIND THE WHEEL

OF METRO TRANSIT VEHICLE 147-A,

OUR VERY OWN LUCILLE BATES.

STILL ACTIVELY
LICENSED CLASS-3 STATE...

FROM A PRIOR AND
FORTUITOUS PILOTING STINT

AT PIER 67.

PLAIN-CLOTHES PASSENGER BACKUP

TO BE DISCRETELY SUPPLIED

BY OFFICER HILL AND RENKO.

THAT'S 147-A, PEOPLE.
EAST UTICA TO THE RIVER.

SO LET'S KEEP OUR RADIOS PEELED

FOR ADDITIONAL BACKUP, SHALL WE?

ITEM NINE. UM... HEY, HEY,

SCHMELTZER, DO YOU MIND?

ITEM NINE. ON A SOMEWHAT
MORE PAROCHIAL NOTE,

REFERENCING THE
TRANSFER PER REQUEST

TO WASHINGTON HEIGHTS
OF OFFICER ROBIN TATAGLIA.

SAID TRANSFER DULY APPROVED.

EFFECTIVE AS OF A.M. TOMORROW.

THOUGH HER SOJOURN
BE REGRETTABLY BRIEF,

SUFFICE IT TO SAY,
SHE LEAVES THIS HILL

A GENTLE DOMAIN
FOR HER PRESENCE,

A MORE MELANCHOLY
ONE FOR HER DEPARTURE.

NOW WE'RE JUST 28 BLOCKS

AND AN INNER
PRECINCT PENSION AWAY,

SO LET'S NOT BE A
STRANGER, HUH, ROBIN?

ITEM TEN.

REGARDING THE 1:00
PM COMMUNITY MEETING

BEING HELD TODAY AT THE
HOLY CHRIST BAPTIST CHURCH.

THEIR CITIZENS
GRIEVANCES, RESULTING FROM

THE UNFORTUNATE IN-CUSTODY DEATH

IN CELL FIVE LAST TUESDAY

OF ONE LYNN TATUM.

IN ADDITION TO LOCAL
RELIGIOUS AND CIVIC LEADERS,

SAID MEETING IS EXPECTED TO BE
DEPARTMENTALLY REPRESENTED

BY CHIEF DANIELS,
CAPTAIN FURILLO,

AND LIEUTENANTS
GOLDBLUME AND DIBBLE

ALONG WITH COUNCILMAN
MANGIATTI OF THE 17TH DISTRICT.

I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU
WHAT THE HIGH TEMPERATURE

OF THE CITY IS EXPECTED
TO BE RECORDED TODAY.

IN ANTICIPATION OF WHICH
THE FOLLOWING OFFICERS

ARE HEREBY ASSIGNED
TO PERIMETER DUTY.

PETERSEN, JOYCE, TEPAZ, DeCARLO,

MILLITELLO, HURLEY.

AS A TENDENTIAL
CAUTIONARY, PEOPLE,

GIVEN THE SOMEWHAT
STRONG BACKLASH ON THIS ONE,

LET'S BE ESPECIALLY CIRCUMSPECT

IN OUR DEALINGS
WITH THE CITIZENRY

THESE NEXT FEW DAYS, SHALL WE?

PARTICULARLY WITH REGARDS

TO THE APPLICATION

OF PHYSICAL FORCE.

LAST ITEM. I'M SURE MOST OF YOU

ARE AWARE BY NOW
THAT DETECTIVE BELKER

LOST HIS FATHER YESTERDAY.

NOW, THOSE OF YOU WISHING
TO PAY YOUR RESPECTS

MAY DO SO AT
HARMON'S FUNERAL HOME

ON WEST HURON.

9:00 TO 12:00 TODAY.

AT WHICH FUNCTION,
THE DEPARTMENT

SHALL BE REPRESENTED
BY LT. HOWARD HUNTER.

THOSE OF YOU INCLINED TO
CHIP IN FOR A PRECINCT WREATH

MAY DO SO CARE OF
LEO AT THE FRONT DESK.

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S
IT. LET'S ROLL.

AND HEY-HEY-HEY-HEY!

LET'S BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.

BUGS ON YOUR FACE.

BUGS ALL ON YOUR FACE.

YOU CAN JUST LIGHTEN UP, PALLY.

WHATEVER HAPPENED BETWEEN
ME AND KRISTEN OUT THERE

IS MY BUSINESS.

HEY, MICK, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

I DON'T KNOW. I WOKE UP ABOUT
TWO O'CLOCK THIS MORNING.

I COULDN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP.

MY MOM IS SLEEPING
AT MY SISTER'S.

I'M GONNA GO OVER
THERE IN A LITTLE WHILE.

BRING HER SOME BREAKFAST.

JUST THOUGHT I'D CATCH
UP ON SOME PAPERWORK.

IT'S TOO COLD OUT TO WALK.

MICK, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
ALL RIGHT ABOUT MY TRANSFER?

YEAH, I'M OKAY.

I'D BETTER BE GOING. I'LL SEE
YOU AT YOUR MOM'S AT FOUR, OKAY?

YEAH.

OKAY.

WE HAVE A 9-11.

ARMED ROBBERY IN PROGRESS.

SEE SURPLUS STORE.

CORNER PEOPLE'S DRIVE.

124th STREET.

NICE MOVE, MORON!

♪♪

35 CENTS, AND I GET

A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE ALREADY.

DID YOU... DID YOU HEAR

THE MOUTH ON THAT WOMAN?

NASTY. SHE...

HERE'S A PERFECTLY
GOOD TRANSFER.

SHE WOULDN'T TAKE IT. SEE?

PERFECTLY GOOD.

MA'AM, THIS TRANSFER
EXPIRED SIX MONTHS AGO.

OH, IS THAT SO,
MR. BUS COMMISSIONER?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, PROFESSOR KNOW-IT-ALL.

OH, P-U.

TALK ABOUT SOMETHING EXPIRING.

OH, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

MA'AM, THAT WASN'T ME.

HEY, LOOK, IT WAS THE
GUY RIGHT BEHIND ME.

OH.

THE BUS FUMES AREN'T
BAD ENOUGH, MR. STINKO.

YOU GOTTA PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN.

IN A BARN WITH LIVESTOCK, YOU
WERE BROUGHT UP, I SUPPOSE.

MA'AM, IF YOU DON'T LIKE
THE AMBIENCE BACK HERE,

I SUGGEST YOU VAMOOSE

TO ANOTHER SECTION OF THE BUS.

ANOTHER SECTION OF THE BUS?

ANOTHER SECTION OF
THE STATE, MORE LIKE IT.

MOVE IT, BUB.

GO AWAY!

AND YOU, WITH THE BIG
MOUTH AND NO RESPECT.

HEY, SID VICIOUS,

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
TO TURN THAT THING OFF.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, STRETCH.

THE RADIO'S ON.

YOU HEARD ME. AND
WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,

PUT OUT THAT CIGARETTE.

WHAT'RE YOU, MY MOTHER?

DO I LOOK LIKE A TEST TUBE?

I SAID TURN IT DOWN.

CAN YOU READ THE SIGN?
OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN'T,

BECAUSE THEY DON'T
TEACH 'EM TO READ ON MARS.

SO LISTEN TO THIS,
NO MUSIC, NO SMOKING.

NO FOOD OR DRINK, NO
TALKING TO THE DRIVER,

AND NO SPITTING, SWEETHEART.

SO FAR, YOU'RE BATTING .800.

OKAY, THAT'S FUNNY.

MAKE THAT FIVE FOR
FIVE, SWEET MEAT.

NO, REALLY, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

COME HERE. GET OUT!

FRANK, I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

FAY?

I'M GONNA HAVE THE BABY.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE
GIVEN ENOUGH THOUGHT

TO HOW THIS IS GONNA
AFFECT YOU, FINANCIALLY?

EMOTIONALLY?

SOCIALLY?

FRANK, I HAVE THOUGHT
OF PRACTICALLY

NOTHING ELSE FOR
THE LAST THREE DAYS.

WHAT ABOUT GROGAN? IS
HE STILL TAKING A HARD LINE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS
SO. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE
DIAPER MONEY FROM THAT WORM NOW.

AND AS FAR AS THOSE SOCIAL
SERVICES ARE CONCERNED,

WELL, I'VE RUN THAT GAUNTLET,

AND YOU WANNA KNOW
SOMETHING, FRANK?

I DON'T NEED THEM.

I... WOKE UP THIS MORNING

WITH...

THE MOST WARM, BEAUTIFUL MEMORY

OF GIVING BIRTH TO FRANK JR.

AND SUDDENLY IT
WAS ALL CLEAR TO ME.

I'M HEALTHY.

I HAVE RESOURCES.

AND I WANT THIS BABY.

YOU'RE SERIOUS
ABOUT THIS, AREN'T YOU?

I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE SERIOUS

ABOUT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE.

THEN I'M WITH YOU.

I FEEL STRONGER

AND... AND MORE
DIRECTED ABOUT MYSELF

THAN I HAVE IN YEARS.

I EVEN HAVE THE MAKINGS
FOR A WONDERFUL ARTICLE

THAT I'M GOING TO MEET WITH
METRO-GAZETTE ON THIS MORNING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? UH,

"DIVORCED, PREGNANT, AND ALONE.

ONE WOMAN'S ODYSSEY
THROUGH THE BUREAUCRATIC MAZE."

HAS A RING TO IT.

NEVER SAY RING TO
AN UNMARRIED MOTHER.

OH, GOD, PARTICULARLY ONE

WHO'S LATE FOR A NINE
O'CLOCK APPOINTMENT.

THANKS, FRANK.

IS YOUR FIRST NAME JOSEPH?

YES.

DID YOU ENTER LYNN
TATUM'S HOLDING CELL

ON THE 14th OF THIS MONTH?

NO.

PRIOR TO THIS MONTH, DID YOU USE

MORE FORCE THAN WAS NECESSARY

IN THE COURSE OF AN ARREST?

YES.

ANY COP WHO SAYS "NO"
TO THAT IS FULL OF IT...

JUST ANSWER YES OR NO.

ARE YOU CURRENTLY AN OFFICER
OF THE HILL STREET PRECINCT?

YES.

DID YOU CHOKE LYNN
TATUM AT ANY TIME

THE MAN WAS IN CUSTODY?

NO.

I MEAN, OUT ON THE STREET, YES.

BUT NOT WHILE HE WAS IN CUSTODY.

DID YOU CHOKE LYNN
TATUM AT ANY TIME

AFTER HIS ARRIVAL IN
THE PRECINCT HOUSE?

NO.

FRANK.

EVERYONE IS CANCELING
FROM THE TOWN MEETING.

IF YOU WANT TO RESCHEDULE,

I'D BETTER LET THE
REVEREND KNOW QUICKLY.

WHO'S PULLING OUT?

THE MAYOR. CHIEF DANIELS.

SCHEDULING CONFLICTS.

I GET THE FEELING
THIS IS CHRONIC.

WELL, LET'S GO AHEAD
AND TAKE OUR MEDICINE.

DO YOU WANT ME TO COME WITH YOU?

NO, I NEED YOU HERE, RAY.

AND YET HENRY GOLDBLUME
IS GOING WITH YOU.

RAY, PART OF HENRY'S
JOB IS PUBLIC RELATIONS.

PART OF YOUR JOB IS TO
BE HERE WHEN I NEED YOU.

YOU DOUBT MY ABILITY
FOR LEADERSHIP, FRANK,

BUT WHEN DO YOU
ALLOW ME TO LEAD?

LISTEN TO ME, RAY.

AFTER OUR TALK THE OTHER DAY,

I PULLED YOUR EVALUATION FORMS.

NOW, THEY COULD BE
STRONGER, PROBABLY.

BUT I THINK YOU'LL HAVE
TO AGREE THAT, OVERALL,

THEY'RE PRETTY POSITIVE.

I HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE
THAT LT. CALLETANO'S

LEADERSHIP ABILITIES WILL
CONTINUE TO DEVELOP OVER TIME.

AND THAT'S AN ACCURATE
EXPRESSION OF MY OPINION.

NOW, THAT'S ONLY ONE
OF NINE CATEGORIES,

BUT OVERALL, IS THE
EVALUATION POSITIVE?

YES.

AND STILL, THERE'S NO
GUARANTEE OF YOUR CAPTAINCY.

I MEAN, WHETHER YOU
GET IT OR NOT OR WHETHER

I'M FAIR TO YOU ALL THE TIME,

YOU STILL HAVE A JOB TO DO HERE.

- HAVE I EVER NOT DONE IT?
- NO.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD REASON
TO DOUBT MY LOYALTY?

- NO, NEVER.
- I'LL DO MY JOB, FRANK.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY.

FAIR ENOUGH.

AND AGAIN, SOMEDAY,

I AM GOING TO BE CAPTAIN.

I DON'T DOUBT THAT, RAY.

MS. DAVENPORT.

HI.

FRANK. HAVE YOU EVER
HAD VENEREAL DISEASE?

DO YOU HAVE IT NOW?

N... NO.

MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME.

ZIRELLI. ONE R, TWO L'S.

UH...

DATE OF YOUR FINAL DIVORCE.

DATE YOUR DIVORCE
WAS FINAL, I MEANT.

JANUARY 16TH, 1979.

WHAT IS THAT?

A MARRIAGE LICENSE, FURILLO.

CLERK'S OFFICE

WAIVED THE THREE-DAY WAIT.

THEY'RE GONNA TRUST
US ON THE WASSERMANS.

CARE TO PUT YOUR MONEY
WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS?

WE'RE GATHERED HERE IN
THE PRESENCE OF THIS WITNESS

FOR THE PURPOSE OF UNITING
THIS COUPLE IN MATRIMONY.

THIS CONTRACT IS MOST SOLEMN.

NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.

BUT THOUGHTFULLY.

DEEPLY.

AND WITH THE FULL UNDERSTANDING

OF THE RESPONSIBILITY
OF THE COMMITMENT

YOU ARE ABOUT TO MAKE.

DO YOU, FRANCIS FURILLO,

TAKE THIS WOMAN TO BE
YOUR LAWFULLY-WEDDED WIFE?

I DO.

DO YOU, JOYCE DAVENPORT,

TAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR
LAWFULLY-WEDDED HUSBAND?

I DO.

DO YOU EACH PROMISE TO
LOVE AND COMFORT ONE ANOTHER

IN ADVERSITY, AS
WELL AS IN PROSPERITY,

IN SICKNESS, AS
WELL AS IN HEALTH,

AND FORSAKING ALL OTHERS

REMAIN FAITHFUL TO EACH OTHER?

- WE WILL.
- WE DO.

BY THE POWER INVESTED
IN ME BY THIS STATE,

I PRONOUNCE YOU
HUSBAND AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE,
SHOULD YOU FEEL SO INCLINED.

YOU KNOW WHY
THEY CALL 'EM PUNKS?

BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE PUNKS.

IF I WENT TO THE STUDIO,
TAKE BLUE HAIR LIKE THAT...

I THINK YOU WOULD LOOK
GOOD WITH BLUE HAIR.

HEY, JOE. NICE TO SEE YOU

OUT OF THE OLD
SALT MINES, BUDDY.

IT'S NICE TO BE OUT.

HEY, HOW'D LUCE MAKE
OUT THIS MORNING?

SHE DID REAL GOOD.
THAT GIRL COULD'VE BEEN

A TANK DRIVER IN 'NAM,
THE WAY SHE MOVES

THAT CATTLE CAR UP
AND DOWN THE STREET.

SHE TOOK THIS HERE...
THIS PUNK, THIS...

HEY, RALPH KRAMDEN,
HOW'RE YOU DOING?

ONE OF THESE DAYS, NORTON, HUH?

- UGH.
- AND THEY TELL ME

YOU HAVE A FUTURE
IN TRANSPORTATION.

YEAH, I GOT A REAL FUTURE.

IT'S ABOUT AS PROMISING
AS A SHIN-SPLINT.

YOU KNOW, SO FAR THIS MORNING,

I GOT TWO JUNKIES LOSE
THEIR LUNCH IN THE BACK SEAT.

I GOT THREE CABBIES
SHOOTING ME THE BIRD.

I GOT THIS JOHNNY ROTTEN CLONE

WHO SPITS UP GRAPE
SODA ON MY SHOES.

AND I GOT A 'LUDE FREAK
WHO GETS HIS HAND STUCK

IN THE REAR EXIT.

SO YOU GET THE RESULTS?

WHAT, THE LIE DETECTOR TEST?

NO, YOUR PAP
SMEAR, JOE. COME ON.

I GOT STRAIGHT-A'S.
PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS.

SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

YEAH, IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU PASSING THE POLYGRAPH
HAS GOTTA TELL 'EM SOMETHING.

HEY, IT'S INADMISSIBLE IN COURT.

IT ISN'T EVEN GONNA
GET TO COURT.

YOU STILL DON'T
GET IT, DO YOU, LUCE?

THEY NEED A SCAPEGOAT FOR
WHAT HAPPENED DOWN THERE,

AND I'M IT.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOE?
YOU'RE GETTING PARANOID.

I'M NOT PARANOID.
I'M JUST FACING FACTS.

I'M HAVING THE CHOW MEIN.

I CAN ONLY REPEAT

THAT WE UNDERSTAND
YOUR FRUSTRATION,

AND WE SHARE YOUR CONCERN.

CAPTAIN.

MAY I POINT OUT THE ABSENCE

OF A FEW PROMINENT INVITEES.

LIKE THE MAYOR AND
THE CHIEF OF POLICE.

YES, WHERE ARE THEY?

IS THAT THE KIND OF CONCERN
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

NOBODY'S GONNA DENY THAT THIS IS

A POLITICAL HOT
POTATO, REVEREND.

WE'RE ALSO NOT ABOUT TO DENY
THAT THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES

WHEN PEOPLE IN POLICE CUSTODY

HAVE DIED AT POLICE HANDS.

IT'S HAPPENED.

IT'S HAPPENED TO BLACK PEOPLE.

AND WE CAN
UNDERSTAND YOU THINKING

THAT IT MAY HAVE
HAPPENED TO LYNN TATUM.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

WE HAVE NO CHOICE

BUT TO CONDUCT THE INVESTIGATION

ENTIRELY AS THE
EVIDENCE LEADS US.

I WAS ON THAT STREET!

I SAW THAT COP CHOKING THAT BOY!

HE HATED THAT BOY!

CAPTAIN.

IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS,

THERE HAS BEEN 14 CUSTODY DEATHS

IN THE POLICE
STATIONS OF THIS CITY.

13 OF THE PEOPLE
WHO DIED WERE BLACK.

THE OTHER HISPANIC.

NOW, THERE'S A MESSAGE
IN THOSE FIGURES,

AND WE READ IT LOUD AND CLEAR.

THE MESSAGE IS
THAT STATISTICALLY

89% OF THE POPULATION

OF THE HILL IS
BLACK AND HISPANIC.

THAT MEANS THAT AN
OVERWHELMING PERCENTAGE

OF THE PEOPLE ARRESTED THERE

ARE GOING TO BE
BLACK OR HISPANIC.

LISTEN, I DON'T CARE
ANYTHING ABOUT SISTISTICS!

MY SON IS DEAD!

- YES.
- AND THERE'S NO REASON FOR IT.

NOW, I HAD A GOOD SON.

HE DIDN'T GO AROUND
MAKING TROUBLE.

LOOK. AN INVESTIGATION
IS BEING CONDUCTED

INTO THE DEATH OF LYNN TATUM.

IF THAT INVESTIGATION
POINTS TO A POLICE OFFICER,

THAT OFFICER WILL BE
CHARGED AND BROUGHT TO TRIAL.

CAPTAIN.

HOORAY FOR YOU.

I CAN ONLY PROMISE YOU

THAT EVERY EFFORT WILL BE MADE

TO GET TO THE BOTTOM

OF THIS PRISONER'S DEATH.

YOU'RE GONNA BE
REMEMBERED AS THAT BANKRUPT

WATERMELON-HEADED CLUB
OWNER OUT ON HIGHWAY NINE

THAT BLEW A CHANCE TO
BOOK VIC HITLER'S COMIC DEBUT

FOR NOTHING!

YOU THINK YOU GOT IT
ROUGH? FELLA WALKS UP TO ME,

SAYS, "YOU SEE A
COP AROUND HERE?"

I SAY NO, HE SAYS,
"OKAY, STICK 'EM UP."

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT
THE OVERLY FAMILIAR MIDGET?

WALKS INTO THIS BAR?
KISSED EVERYONE IN THE JOINT.

SWEETHEART, HOW ARE YOU?

OH, I AM PUMPED. I AM PUMPED.

I STAYED UP HALF
THE NIGHT, YOU KNOW,

WORKING UP NEW
MATERIAL IN MY HOTEL ROOM.

SO. HOW'RE WE DOING ON BOOKINGS?

- OH, GREAT. JUST GREAT.
- GOOD. GOOD.

I... I GOTTA TELL YOU, THOUGH.

I'VE BEEN RUNNING
INTO A LOT OF STATIC

ON ACCOUNT OF THE NAME THING.

- OH, COME ON.
- LOOK. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

BEFORE YOU PUT THE IDEA
OUT OF YOUR MIND COMPLETELY,

JUST DO ME A FAVOR.

JUST CONSIDER THESE
ALTERNATIVES THAT I COOKED UP.

VIC ROMA. VIC
DAKOTA. THAT'S CUTE.

VIC ANTHONY. VIC VEGAS?

UGH.

SWEETHEART, I'M ABOUT TO
THROW MY LUNCH OVER A FENCE,

AND I AIN'T EVEN
HAD BREAKFAST YET.

COME ON, VIC.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

- IT'S ONLY A NAME.
- YEAH. ONLY A NAME

BEEN IN MY FAMILY
FOR OVER 400 YEARS.

THAT'S A GOOD 320 LONGER

THAN THAT DERANGED
HOUSE-PAINTER ADOLF,

IF THE TRUTH BE KNOWN,
CAME INTO THE WORLD

THE SON OF AN
AUSTRIAN PENCIL-PUSHER

BY THE NAME OF SCHICKLGRUBER.

- NO KIDDING.
- YEAH.

I DON'T EVEN WANNA TELL YOU
WHAT MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME

ON HIS DEATHBED 30 YEARS AGO.

HE SAID, "VIC,

"YOU'RE GONNA GO THROUGH
A LOT OF PAIN IN THIS LIFE

ON ACCOUNT OF IT."

PROMISE ME, SON.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL
NEVER FORSAKE THE...

FAMILY NAME.

I'M SORRY, JOHN, BUT...

WORK WITH THE CARDS I WAS DEALT.

VIC HITLER IT STAYS.

THE HELL WITH HIS
POLYGRAPH, FRANK.

I'VE GOT HALF THE POPULATION

OF YOUR PRECINCT
SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER.

THAT'S NO BASIS FOR
CONVENING A GRAND JURY.

LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING
WE'RE COMING DOWN

WITH AN INDICTMENT
ON YOUR CLIENT,

BUT WE'RE CERTAINLY JUSTIFIED
HAVING THIS BIKER TESTIFY.

YOU REALLY WANNA GREASE
THE WHEELS OF JUSTICE,

YOU TAKE A CLOSER LOOK
AT YOUR STAR WITNESS.

CROCKETT HAD MOTIVE, ACCESS,

AND A RECORD OF VIOLENT
CRIMES TWO INCHES THICK.

THERE ISN'T A SHRED OF
EVIDENCE AGAINST CROCKETT,

AND YOU KNOW IT, FRANK.

WHAT THERE IS, SINCE
11 O'CLOCK THIS MORNING,

IS A FORENSICS REPORT SHOWING

MICROFIBERS FROM COFFEY'S
SHIRT ON LYNN TATUM'S NECK.

EVERYBODY KNOWS COFFEY USED
A CHOKE-HOLD MAKING THE ARREST.

NO FIBERS FROM CROCKETT
ANYWHERE ON TATUM'S PERSON.

AND CROCKETT WAS
WEARING A SHIRT...

WHOSE SLEEVES WERE
PROBABLY ROLLED UP.

YOU... YOU CARE TO JOIN IN
THIS DISCUSSION, COUNSELOR?

WHAT DISCUSSION?
MAN'S MIND IS MADE UP.

SO ARE WE FINISHED HERE?

OH YEAH. YEAH. BEFORE WE BEGAN.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.

ALL RIGHT.

WILL YOU BE AT THE
GRAND JURY HEARING?

IF MY OFFICER HAS TO BE.

I GOTTA GET OFF THIS BUS.

WHAT'RE YOU, CRAZY?

I'M SORRY, LUCE, MY BLADDER
SOUNDED A TEN-MINUTE WARNING

ABOUT FIVE BLOCKS AGO,

AND I GOT TO GET OFF.

IT'S GONNA LOOK A
LITTLE CONSPICUOUS

- IF I HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOU.
- WELL, IT'S GONNA LOOK

A LOT MORE CONSPICUOUS
IF I DON'T GET OFF THIS BUS,

IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

OKAY. OKAY.

YOU'D BETTER BE QUICK.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, FOR
HAVING BODILY FUNCTIONS.

YO! MOVE BACK.
EVERYBODY JUST BE COOL.

AND GIVE UP THE GOODIES.
IF YOU THINK ABOUT MOVING,

I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD
OUTSIDE THIS BUS,

AND YOU KNOW THAT. HAND
OVER YOUR PURSE, MAMA.

- HURRY UP!
- COME ON, QUICK!

GIVE ME THE MONEY. COME ON.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
POLICE OFFICER.

HEY! GET OUT.

GET OUT OF THE
WAY! HE'S GOT A GUN!

FREEZE!

IF YOU WANNA SHACK UP IN
SOME VAN WITH A 16-YEAR-OLD,

THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS, BABE.

BUT DON'T CALL ME INTO THE
TRIAL AS A CHARACTER WITNESS.

OH, MAN.

OH, LEO, FOR GOD'S
SAKE. NOT HERE.

BETTER IN HERE THAN
ALL OVER THE FRONT DESK.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. KRISTEN IS

A VERY MATURE 16-YEAR-OLD.

AND HEY, HEY, I'M A YOUNG 35.

HUH, YEAH. 35 GOING ON

10 TO 20 UPSTATE.

THANKS FOR THE
ADVICE, YOU DRIED-UP

REFRIED BAPTIST PRUDE.

YOU JOHN D. LARUE?

YEAH, WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

JUST A GUY WHO'S GONNA
BREAK BOTH YOUR LEGS

AND FLUSH YOU DOWN THE TOILET.

HEY, IF IT'S ABOUT
MINUSCO, YOU TELL HIM

HE'LL HAVE HIS BREAD BY TUESDAY.

UH-UH. OH. SHEILA.

YEAH, WELL, THE KID AIN'T
MINE, I SWEAR TO GOD.

- UH-UH.
- OKAY, WELL THEN,
WHY DON'T YOU

JUST CUT THIS GHOST OF
CHRISTMAS PAST ROUTINE?

TELL ME WHO THE HELL ARE YOU.

I'M A FATHER OF A 16-YEAR-OLD

JEWEL OF A DAUGHTER NAMED
KRISTEN MURPHY, SCUZZ-BAG.

AND YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE ONE DEAD

CHILD MOLESTER.

I SWEAR TO GOD, MR. MURPHY.

HEY, IT WAS A FIELD TRIP.

I MEAN... I MEAN, WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT CRIMINOLOGY, YOU KNOW?

BASIC SURVEILLANCE?

I NEVER LAID A HAND ON HER.

I LEFT HER IN THE VAN.
I DIDN'T EVEN GO BACK.

IF SHE SAYS I TOUCHED
HER, SHE'S LYING.

ARE YOU CALLING MY BABY LIAR?

OF COURSE NOT. IT'S
JUST... OH MY GOD.

DON'T TELL ME THAT'S A GUN.

SAY YOUR PRAYERS, SCUZZ-BAG.

PLEASE, MAN. PLEASE?

I'LL NEVER TOUCH A GIRL UNDER 18

AS LONG AS I LIVE.

OKAY, 25.

30.35.

GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD AND SHOOT.

YOU GOTTA SHOOT
THE JUNKIE FIRST.

JACK HAGGERTY, ROMAN.

ALL THE WAY FROM MIDTOWN.

VICE.

KRISTEN. OH, HI.

HI. I WAITED FOR YOU IN THE VAN

FOR AN HOUR LAST NIGHT.

YEAH. I KNOW. I KNOW.

LOOK, UH, I TRIED TO
CALL YOU AT SCHOOL.

CAN WE TALK HERE FOR A MINUTE?

SURE.

OKAY. CAN I GET YOU A CHAIR?

IT'S OKAY. I'M FINE.

I, UH...

I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT
OF SOUL-SEARCHING.

ABOUT US, I MEAN.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS IS

VERY, VERY HARD FOR ME TO SAY.

I MEAN, I LIKE YOU A LOT.

MORE THAN THAT, I RESPECT YOU.

WELL, YOU'RE
PROBABLY THE GREATEST

16-YEAR-OLD I'VE EVER KNOWN.

BUT I DON'T THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU AND ME. IT JUST WON'T WORK.

YOU NEED SOMEBODY YOUR OWN AGE.

NOW LOOK. IF YOU EVER

GET IN A REAL JAM, AN
EMERGENCY OR SOMETHING.

AND IF YOU'RE EVER LONELY,
IF YOU'RE EVER LONELY,

YOU CAN ALWAYS CALL ME.

BUT US AS A STEADY THING.

I THINK WE'D BETTER CALL IT OFF.

OKAY.

BYE.

YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S HIM
SPEAKING. WHO IS THIS?

TONY WHO?

T... TONY FROM EUGENE'S.

TONY, HEY! TONY BABY,
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

REALLY?

HEY, THAT'S TOO BAD.

UH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE GUY?

APPENDICITIS.

MM.

WELL, S... WELL,
SURE WE CAN MAKE IT.

YOU BET. 7:30. SEE
YOU THERE. BYE.

HA-HEY!

LEO, LEO, HAVE YOU SEEN VIC?

LAST I HEARD, HE WAS
DOWN IN THE LOCKER ROOM,

TRYING TO COP
SOME Z'S. ANY NEWS?

JUST KEEP YOUR DANCE CARD
CLEAR FOR TONIGHT, HONEY.

BOBBY.

CAPTAIN.

HOW'D IT GO?

WE GOT TWO OF 'EM. THE
OTHER TWO GOT AWAY.

ONE OF THE KIDS WHO
ESCAPED TOOK A SHOT AT ME.

AND I HAD HIM RIGHT IN
MY SIGHTS, AND THEN...

I COULDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER.

WHAT WAS THE CROWD SITUATION?

THERE WERE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND.

I'D SAY YOU SHOWED
GOOD JUDGMENT.

MAYBE.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,
CAPTAIN, PART OF WHY I DIDN'T

PULL THAT TRIGGER WAS BECAUSE
I DIDN'T WANNA GET HUNG UP

- LIKE JOE COFFEY.
- I UNDERSTAND.

IT MAKES ME ANGRY

TO HAVE THOUGHTS LIKE THAT
RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND

WHEN I'M OUT ON THE STREETS.

BOBBY, THE HILL'S BEEN
A POWDER KEG LATELY.

AND YOUR DECIDING NOT TO
BRING DOWN A PERPETRATOR

IN A SITUATION WHERE A
MISTAKE MIGHT BUY A RIOT

STRIKES ME AS EXERCISING
SENSIBLE RESTRAINT.

THAT KIND OF RESTRAINT,
CAPTAIN, COULD COST LIVES TOO.

IT'S A DELICATE BALANCE.

BUT, GIVEN THE
EXISTING ATMOSPHERE,

I'D SAY YOU MADE
THE RIGHT CHOICE.

UH, BOBBY.

I GOT MARRIED THIS AFTERNOON.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

CONGRATULATIONS, CAPTAIN.

- THANKS.
- MY BEST TO THE BRIDE.

I'LL TELL HER.

IS IT... IS IT SECRET?

NO.

EUGENE'S COMEDY EMPIRE.

YOU GOT IT VIC. DID YOUR
BUDDY JOHN COME THROUGH?

YOU KNOW THE TRADITION
THAT PLACE HAS?

ALL RIGHT, SO THEY SERVED
A COUPLE OF MINORS ONCE.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE. I'M
GOING BACK 15, 20 YEARS.

EUGENE'S IS ONE OF
THE CLASSIC TOILETS.

HEY, LOOK, BEGGARS
CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

YOU'RE STILL NOT GETTING IT.

I MEAN, SOME OF THE
TOP GUYS STARTED THERE.

YOU KNOW, SHECKY,
DON. I THINK THAT'S EVEN

WHERE LENNY BRUCE
O.D.ed. WHY DIDN'T YOU

WAKE ME UP SOONER?
I GOT A MILLION THINGS

I GOTTA DO. I MEAN,
MY WHOLE TIME CLOCK

- IS GONNA BE OFF.
- HEY, HEY. AS LONG AS

THE GAG-METER'S RUNNING.

THAT'S LIKE RIDING A BIKE.

YEAH, A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND
HERE ARE GONNA BE SORRY

THEY MISSED THE BOAT.
GOOD THING LEO HAD SOME...

HEY, GOOD NEWS, FRANK.

METRO GAZETTE IS VERY
ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT MY ARTICLE.

THEY WANNA SEE A
ROUGH DRAFT BY FRIDAY.

OH, GREAT, FAY.

HEY, LISTEN, I'M MISSING
ONE OF MY FOLDERS.

I THINK I MAY HAVE
LEFT IT IN YOUR OFFICE.

CONGRATULATIONS, CAPTAIN.

- THANKS, LEO.
- WONDERFUL NEWS.

- CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT?
- COME ON.

- WHAT?
- WE HAVE TO TALK, FAY.

SO WHAT'S THE BIG MYSTERY?

UH, FAY, LISTEN, UH...

I WAS GONNA TELL YOU THIS

UNDER BETTER CIRCUMSTANCES.

UM... I MEAN, I WAS GONNA
COME BY AFTER WORK

AND, UH...

WHAT?

I GOT MARRIED THIS AFTERNOON.

MARRIED?

YUP.

REALLY, FRANK? MARRIED?

YES.

OH BOY.

SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

OH BOY.

YOU OKAY?

UH, JOYCE DAVENPORT?

AH!

WHAT A STUPID THING TO ASK.

OF COURSE IT'S JOYCE.

IT'S JUST THAT, WELL,

I'M JUST SO SURPRISED, FRANK.

IT'S, UH,

I'M HAPPY FOR YOU. REALLY, I AM.

I'M... I KNOW THAT

YOU'RE GONNA BE VERY HAPPY,

AND THAT... THAT JOYCE IS.

THANK YOU.

OF COURSE, YOUR TIMING'S
REALLY DAMN LOUSY.

- I HAVE TO SAY THAT.
- HOW DO YOU MEAN?

WELL...

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S
JUST THAT I'M PREGNANT.

AND THEN... AND THEN I'M JUST

REALLY TRYING TO
GET IT ALL TOGETHER.

AND I'M FINALLY SEEING THE
LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL,

AND THEN... YOU TURN
IT INTO ANOTHER TRAIN.

FRANK, HOW COULD
YOU DO THIS TO ME?

IS THIS WHAT YOU MEANT
WHEN YOU SAID THAT

NO MATTER WHAT I DECIDED,
YOU'D BE THERE FOR ME?

I MEAN... YOU CALL THIS HELP?

OH, COME ON, FAY. WE
BOTH HAVE LIVES TO LIVE.

LET ME LIVE MINE.

I'M SORRY, FRANK.
REALLY, I'M SORRY. I...

I'M OKAY. REALLY.

I'M STILL GONNA BE THERE
FOR YOU AND FRANK JR.

AND ANY NEW STARTERS.

I REALLY AM HAPPY
FOR YOU, FRANK.

I KNOW YOU WANTED THIS.

I'M ALL RIGHT. I'M OKAY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.

AND... AND, UM,

PLEASE GIVE MY BEST WISHES

TO MRS...

JOYCE.

OH.

YOU WANNA HEAR THE
STUPIDEST THING, FRANK?

HMM?

UP TO TWO MINUTES AGO...

I MEAN, WITH EVERYTHING

THAT'S HAPPENED BETWEEN US,

UP TO TWO MINUTES AGO, UH...

I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE'D
GET BACK TOGETHER.

MISS TASTY-FREEZE.

FIVE MINUTES.

OH, IT DOESN'T HAVE
TO HAPPEN THAT FAST.

I'M HERE TO PREPARE YOU FOR
YOUR GRAND JURY TESTIMONY.

OUTSTANDING.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE
QUESTIONED ABOUT EVENTS

LEADING TO THE
DEATH OF LYNN TATUM.

YOU'LL BE GIVING
TESTIMONY UNDER OATH.

YOU'RE EXPECTED TO
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT NOT
TO INCRIMINATE YOURSELF.

I CAN'T COME INTO
THE HEARING ROOM.

BUT IF YOU'RE
CONFUSED BY A QUESTION,

OR YOU WANNA TALK TO
ME FOR ANY OTHER REASON,

THE JUDGE WILL GRANT A RECESS,

AND WE CAN CONFER IN THIS
ROOM. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I DON'T THINK WE'LL BE
DOING TOO MUCH CONFERRING.

THAT'S YOUR PREROGATIVE,
MR. CROCKETT.

COPS WANT THAT GUINEA,

I'M GONNA GIVE HIM TO 'EM.

THEY WANT THE
TRUTH, MR. CROCKETT.

LISTEN, LADY, YOU PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN ON MY CASE

SINCE I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD.

YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO HAND SOME OF IT BACK,

YOU BET I'M GOING TO.

I'M GONNA JIVE, I'M GONNA LIE.

I'M GONNA TEACH THAT
GUINEA COP JUST WHAT IT MEANS

MR. CROCKETT.
YOU'VE JUST TOLD ME

YOU INTEND TO LIE IN
A COURT PROCEEDING.

THIS WOULD BE A CRIME,
AND I URGE AS YOUR ATTORNEY

AND AN OFFICER OF
THE COURT NOT TO DO IT.

OH, WELL, SURE. IF YOU URGE ME.

IF YOU DON'T RECONSIDER,

I'LL HAVE TO WITHDRAW
AS YOUR COUNSEL.

YOU MUST NOT STAY ON
TOO MANY CASES, HUH?

I COOLED THAT NIGGER.

YOU BETCHA I'M GONNA LIE.

I URGE YOU NOT TO

PERJUR YOURSELF, MR. CROCKETT.

YOU SAID THAT.

WILL YOU RECONSIDER?

GET OUT OF MY FACE.

OR I'LL KICK YOUR TEETH IN.

YOU'LL HAVE TO DELAY
CROCKETT'S TESTIMONY.

- I CAN'T REPRESENT HIM.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I CAN'T REPRESENT. GET
HIM ANOTHER LAWYER.

NOW LOOK, I KNOW THE
GUY'S NO DAY AT THE BEACH...

LOOK, IT'S NOT A
PERSONALITY CONFLICT.

WOULD YOU MIND
TELLING ME WHAT IT IS?

I CAN'T REPRESENT. I'LL
INFORM JUDGE MICHAELS.

HEY, JOYCE. TELL
ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

IS HE LYING ABOUT SEEING
COFFEY MURDERED, THIS GUY?

I CAN'T TELL YOU MORE.

YOU KNOW THAT PRIVILEGE APPLIES.

HEY COUNSELOR, COME...
WHAT ARE YOU PULLING?

SOME KIND OF PHONY DELAY?

LOOK. JUST REPRESENT
HIM ANOTHER HOUR.

I'VE GOT PRESSURE ON ME, JOYCE.

YOU'LL RESIGN RIGHT AFTER
HE TESTIFIES, ALL RIGHT?

NO.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

UH, IF I'M NOT CROSS-EYED

MS. DAVENPORT HAS JUST PRESERVED

THE LAWYER-CLIENT
PRIVILEGE WHILE INFORMING

THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY
THAT MY CLIENT IS INNOCENT?

I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.

- HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO?
- COME ON, ALVAREZ.

IF IT WAS ANYTHING BUT PERJURY,

SHE COULD'VE STUCK
AROUND ANOTHER HOUR.

CROCKETT WAS GONNA GO
IN THERE, COMMIT A CRIME.

- SHE WALKED AWAY.
- LET'S QUIT DANCING, ALVAREZ.

ALL RIGHT.

IN CONSCIENCE, THE
INFERENCE I DRAW IS

THAT CROCKETT'S LYING.

NO GRAND JURY FOR NOW.

OKAY.

AM I OKAY?

WELL, BETTER THAN YOU
WERE FIVE MINUTES AGO.

LOOKS LIKE WE LICKED 'EM
ON THE CRIMINAL CHARGES.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT HIM? HE'S THE
ONE WHO SHOULD BE CHARGED.

OKAY, LOOK, WE GOT
A GOOD CASE, OKAY?

I'M GONNA HUSTLE DOWN
TO MICHAELS' COURT.

SEE IF I CAN PICK UP
ANYTHING ELSE, HUH?

HEY, THANKS A LOT, SAM.

YEAH, SURE.

GO SLOW.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

I'M OKAY.

I'M MAD.

I'D SAY IT'S A HURDLE OVERCOME.

NO, IT'S MORE LIKE I JUST
STARTED OUT ON A MARATHON.

I MEAN, ISN'T THAT WHAT SHE DID?

THEY CAN'T USE THAT, RIGHT?

HURDLE AND THE D.A. KNOW
THAT CROCKETT WAS GONNA LIE.

THAT'S PRIVILEGED COMMUNICATION.

BUT PEOPLE ARE STILL
GONNA THINK THAT I DID IT.

SOME WILL, SURE.

AND I COULD STILL GET SUED.

JOE, LOOK. I'VE ALWAYS
THOUGHT OF YOU

AS A SURVIVOR. IF YOU'RE
GONNA SURVIVE THIS,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DO IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

YOU START CHEWING ON
ALL THE POSSIBILITIES...

NO, I'M GONNA
SURVIVE. I'LL SURVIVE.

I'M GONNA GO HOME TONIGHT
AND FIGURE OUT MY FUTURE.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
CONSIDERING LEAVING THE FORCE.

I'M NOT GONNA RESIGN.

I JUST KNOW I'M A
GOOD COP, CAPTAIN.

IT'S JUST SO DAMN UNFAIR.

♪ TALKING IT OVER ♪

♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

♪ WORKING TOGETHER ♪

♪ DAY TO DAY ♪

♪ TOGETHER ♪

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, SCHNITZ.

EVERYONE WHO CAN DO YOU

ABSOLUTELY NO
GOOD. AND THAT NAME.

MYRNA, WILL YOU GIVE
THE GUY A CHANCE?

I TELL YA, HE'S A
MILLION LAUGHS.

ALL I HAD TO HEAR WAS
WHO'S MANAGING HIM.

THE BLIND LEADING
THE UNMENTIONABLE.

WE GOT STRICT FINANCIAL
OVERSIGHT, MRS. SCHNITZ.

OUTSIDE ACCOUNTING.

I'LL GIVE YOU
OUTSIDE ACCOUNTING.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS, LEO.

I HOPE THIS IS WORTH
A LIFE WITHOUT SEX.

HEY, LEO. MYRNA.

SHOWTIME.

- SO HOW'S OUR BOY?
- THANK YOU.

OH, MONEY IN THE BANK.
HE'S FEELING GREAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ISN'T SHE SOMETHING ELSE?

COME ON, LET'S GIVE HER
A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

FOR YOUR LAUGHING
AND LISTENING PLEASURE.

EUGENE'S PROUDLY PRESENTS
THE COMEDY STYLINGS

OF VIC HITLER JR.
LET'S BRING HIM ON.

HEY, VIC! HEY, VIC!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH

FOR THAT MOVING INTRODUCTION.

REMIND ME TO USE YOU
NEXT TIME I APPLY FOR A LOAN,

- ALL RIGHT?
- THAT SAID, GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. HERE WE ARE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WHAT IS THIS, A
CONVENTION OF MONKS

OR IS SOMEONE JUST, E.F. HUTTON?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
WE'RE GOING HERE.

EXCUSE ME, DO YOU ANYTHING
ABOUT REAL ESTATE AT ALL?

ANYTHING? LITTLE BIT.
TELL ME, IS THIS A LOT?

I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

WELL, GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

SUBMITTED FOR
YOUR CONSIDERATION.

AGING ENTERTAINER.

ON A ONE-WAY TICKET.

TO COMEDY HELL.

ANYWAY, IT'S AN
HONOR TO PLAY HERE,

TO BE WORKING
HERE AT... WHERE AM I?

- EUGENE'S!
- THANK YOU, EUGENE'S.

RIGHT. IT'S EUGENE'S, ISN'T IT?

WELL, MAYBE NOT AN
HONOR, BUT AT LEAST

IT GETS ME OUT OF THE
HOUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN, NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE
AN ABSOLUTELY LOVELY WIFE.

WHY, JUST LAST WEEK, SHE GOT
A MUDPACK AT THE BEAUTY SHOP.

LOOKED TERRIFIC FOR THREE DAYS.

THEN THE MUD CAME OFF.
WENT BACK THE NEXT DAY,

SPENT OVER $500.

AND THAT WAS JUST
FOR THE ESTIMATE.

SERIOUSLY, I TOLD
HER THIS MORNING,

I SAID, "SASQUATCH"...

NO, COME ON. COME ON. SERIOUSLY.

OH, PAYDAY, MY HOUSE? IT'S
LIKE THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

MY WIFE SAYS, "MAY I HAVE
THE ENVELOPE PLEASE?"

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR
TEN YEARS. I'M STILL IN LOVE

WITH THE SAME WONDERFUL WOMAN.

AND IF MY WIFE EVER FINDS
OUT, SHE'S GONNA KILL ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT IS THE... THE
SLEEPING ROUTINE HERE?

PURE IMPROVISATIONAL GENIUS.

OH, YES SIR. DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

I, UH, JUST CAME BACK
FROM A PLEASURE TRIP.

I TOOK MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
TO THE AIRPORT.

LAST WEEK I TOLD HER, I SAID
"MY HOUSE IS YOUR HOUSE."

TWO DAYS LATER, SHE SOLD IT.

AHH, BOY.

LAST WEEK, MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

WHAT A CHARACTER
HE IS, I'LL TELL YOU.

LAST WEEK, UH, I ASKED HIM

WHAT HE WAS DOING
WEARING MY TRENCHCOAT.

HE SAYS, "WELL, YOU
WOULDN'T WANT ME TO GET

YOUR NEW SUIT WET, WOULD YOU?"

THAT SLEEPING ROUTINE'S
RATHER AMUSING.

I DON'T GET IT.

YEAH.

I THINK HE'S CARRYING
IT TOO FAR THOUGH.

VIC?

VIC! COME ON, VIC.

- VIC.
- BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS.

- I... MY BROTHER...
- SAVE IT, VIC.

DID I GO OUT?

YOU WENT OUT.

IS THERE, UH, SOMETHING

YOU WANNA TELL ME, VIC?

LOOKS LIKE YOU
ALREADY FOUND OUT.

WHAT THE HELL'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?

NARCOLEPSY.

BUT I SWEAR TO YOU, J.D.
I THOUGHT I HAD IT LICKED.

COOK. SHORT ORDER,
FOUR YEARS IN ST. LOUIS.

THEY HAD THIS CLINIC, AND, UH...

THEY WERE GIVING ME TREATMENTS.

THEY SAID I WAS CURED.

40% CHANCE.

VIC HITLER.

THE NARCOLEPTIC COMIC.

WAS I OUT LONG?

LONG ENOUGH.

J.D., IS THERE ANY WAY I
CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL GUYS?

VIC HITLER.

THE NARCOLEPTIC COMIC.

WHAT WENT ON?

TWO PERPETRATORS
HELD UP A LIQUOR STORE

ONE BLOCK EAST
OF HERE, ON UTICA.

HOLDER CALLED IT IN.

OFFICER HARDY AND
WELSH RESPONDED.

CHASED 'EM TO THIS WAREHOUSE,
WHERE A SHOOTOUT OCCURRED.

HARDY'S IN I.C.U.

ONE OF THE
PERPETRATORS IS KILLED.

AND THE OTHER?

HE WAS APPREHENDED
BY YOUR DAY GUY, BELKER.

HE WAS DRIVING NEARBY,
AND HE CALLED IT IN.

WHAT ABOUT THE
PERPETRATORS? BLACK? WHITE?

WHITE.

WHERE'S BELKER?

I... I WAS JUST DRIVING AROUND.

I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO. SO I...

I JUST CAME OVER. I DON'T KNOW.

YOU OKAY?

I'M FINE.

MOTHER?

SHE'S OKAY. DOCTOR
GAVE HER A SEDATIVE.

CAPTAIN, I HEARD YOU
GOT MARRIED TODAY.

I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.

SORRY YOU HAD TO
COME OUT TONIGHT.

THAT'S OKAY. YOU HAVE
SOMEPLACE TO GO...

MICK, WHERE'S ROBIN?

HOW'D YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

PRECINCT'S A HARD
PLACE TO KEEP A SECRET.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

I DON'T KNOW, CAPTAIN.

I'VE BEEN WITH PEOPLE ALL DAY.

I JUST WANTED TO
GET OUT BY MYSELF

FOR A WHILE.

DO YOU WANNA TALK?

I'M OKAY.

YOU SHOULD'VE
KNOWN MY DAD, CAPTAIN.

LAST FEW MONTHS, HE
WASN'T REALLY HIMSELF,

BUT HE USED TO
BE SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU THINK I CAN BITE?

ONCE WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD,

I SAW MY DAD GET
INTO A FIGHT WITH A GUY

THAT WAS ABOUT THE
SIZE OF A MACK TRUCK.

AND MY DAD WAS A
LITTLE GUY, JUST LIKE ME.

HE TOOK A BITE ON
THIS HAIRBALL'S ARM,

AND HE HELD ON FOR LIFE.

AND THIS BIG GUY IS SHAKING
HIS ARM UP AND DOWN,

UP AND DOWN, AND MY DAD IS GOING

RIGHT UP AND DOWN WITH HIM.

HE WAS ONE TOUGH LITTLE GUY,

MY OLD MAN.

I'M GONNA MISS HIM A LOT.

UH.

CAN I BUY YOU A CUP OF COFFEE?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
SHOULD DO? YOU SHOULD

GO HOME TO YOUR MISSUS.

I'LL SEE YOU AT WORK
TOMORROW MORNING.

YOU SURE?

THINK WE'RE GOING TO
LOSE THE ROMANCE, FURILLO?

MM-MM.

I DON'T THINK SO.

I DON'T KNOW.

WE'VE GOT ALL THIS
DISGUSTING RESPECTABILITY.

TRUST ME, JOYCE.

DOING ALL RIGHT SO FAR.

WE'RE GOING TO DO THINGS, FRANK.

AMEN.

NO.

- LET'S TRAVEL, HMM?
- HMM?

EUROPE? JAPAN?

LET'S REDECORATE MY APARTMENT.

- LET'S LIVE WITHIN OUR MEANS.
- WE WILL.

I'M GOING TO LOVE
BEING MARRIED TO YOU.

MRS. FURILLO?

SUPPOSE I COULD HAVE A KISS?

THE NAME'S DAVENPORT, PIZZA MAN.

REALLY?

REALLY.

I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.