High Maintenance (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Selfie - full transcript


[phone vibrating]

[vibrating continues]


- [sighs]
- [voice mail]: Hi. You've reached Anja,

and you're probably
my mom, dad or grandma,

so just feel free to leave a message
and I'll get back to you when I can.

Thanks. [beep]

Woman [over phone]: Anja, I wish
you'd change your outgoing message.

It's not very professional.

How do you know it's
me, Dad, or Noni calling?

- Anyway, I sent this in an e-mail,
- [Anja coughs]

that the woman you should
call is Barbara Horne.

- H-O-R-N-E.
- _

She's been at the top of God
knows how many publications

and she's the real
deal, honey. All right?

I told her about your NYU column.

She's expecting your
call, so call her please.

Do not e-mail. But like I said,

just see if you can take her to
lunch, pick her brain, whatever.

She's kind of a pain in the ass,
but, you know, she's very major.

Uh, anyway, there you go.
You're welcome. Um, what else?

Uh, not much happening over here.

Dad and I walked down to the
lake with Rosie this morning.

- She had a tough time.
- _

I think we're gonna have to put her
down soon so of course, Daddy's a wreck.

But if you want to see her,

- you should come visit.
- Ow, ow, ow,

Anyway, call us and call Barbara!

♪ Damn that valley ♪

♪ Damn that valley ♪

♪ Damn that valley ♪

♪ Where is my man? ♪

♪ Damn that valley ♪

♪ Damn that valley ♪

♪ Soldier boy ♪

- [line ringing]
- ♪ Oh, it's over, it's really over ♪

- ♪ Carry me, I can't go it alone ♪
- _

♪ Soldier stares in the valley below ♪

♪ That's the valley that
took my man from me ♪

[voice mail] Hello,
this is Barbara Horne.

I'm not available to take your call,
but if you leave a detailed message,

I'll be sure to get back to
you at my earliest convenience.

Have a great day. [beep]

[voice mail]: Hi, Barbara, This is
Anja Jacobs, Judy and Ron's daughter.

I'd love to, uh, set something...

Fuck! [beep]

Automated voice: To save your
message, press the pound key.

To listen to your message, press one.

- To rerecord your message, press three.
- _

Please record your message
after the tone. [beep]

Weird time in the season to shop.

[voice mail]: Hi there.
Uh, this is Anja Jacobs,

- Ron and Judy's daughter.
- Thank you!

I think you're expecting my
call. Uh... [chuckles] hi.

Uh, I'd love to set up a
time to take you out to lunch

and, like, pick your brain about
the business and all of that.

Oh, my mom also gave me your e-mail,

so I can send you my
contact info there as well.

Uh... oh, as well as, uh,
relevant links to me and my work.

- Sorry.
- I have these like, Kardashian recaps

I've been doing sort of
just like, for fun. Um...

All right, so thank you and I
hope to meet you soon. Peace!

♪ Took my man from me ♪

[murmuring voices]

[soothing instrumental music playing]



[patrons chattering]


Carrie Bradshaw [on computer]:
As I contemplated the fact

that my relationship had
gone to pot, literally,

I realized no high or low

would make this day any day other

than the day I got broken
up with by a post-it.

[police siren chirps]

♪ ♪

[police radio chatter]

[overlapping chatter]

Now let's keep the
sidewalk clear. Come on.

Ma'am, I need you to step back.

[phone chirps]

Hey, what's up?

Anja: Thanks for agreeing to do this.

Yeah, it's not a big deal.

I mean, as long as I'm
anonymous, I don't really care.

Yeah, no, of course.

Of course. You will be
completely anonymous.

Um... uh...

do you mind if I take a
picture of your weed though?

I guess I'd rather you didn't.

It's just I have all
these, you know, labels

and I don't want any identifying things
on the Internet, you know what I mean?

- Uh, yeah. Okay, that's...
- Sorry.

That's fine. Do you want some cold brew?

Uh, no. I actually had two today,

- so I'm good.
- Oh, wow.

This is, like, my sixth cup today.

Um, okay. Ready?

Okay, yeah.

- Okay.
- Cool.

- That's a lot of coffee.
- Gotta find the pages.

One second.

- Shit.
- Yeah.

- There we go.
- There you go.

- Um, all right. Ready?
- Yeah.

This is a safe space.

So... you're a pot dealer.

What's that like?

Uh, I just kind of bike
around and, uh, people call me

and... and then I bring
them weed pretty much.

It's kind of all there is to it.

And, uh, where do you get your weed?

Uh... I'm not gonna
answer that one. Sorry.

- Pass.
- Okay.

- Cool.
- Mm-hmm.

It's totally cool. Um...

Have you ever been arrested?

No, luckily not. Knock on wood.

- Yeah.
- Right?

Yeah. Um...

Do you feel like maybe
that's because you're white?

Uh, maybe.

- Oh, shit.
- Um... I... I mean, yeah, I guess

- it has something to do with it.
- Yeah, maybe.

But, you know, it's also
maybe 'cause I'm small potatoes

- and, uh...
- Yeah.

I just deal a little weed
and sometimes mushrooms,

- so I'm not really...
- Oh. Okay.

So mushrooms as well?

Yeah, I'm not really on their radar.

Okay. Yeah.

What about your, um, client list?

Are they mostly white as well, like you?

Well, uh, yeah, most of
them are white actually.

Now that I think about it. I haven't
really thought about it before.

There's... There's some...

No, there's more than a
few non-white customers.

Why do you think that most
of your clients are white?

Hey, so what's with all
the racial questions?

Well, it's just that a...

a disproportionate amount of people
in prison for marijuana offenses are...

are non-white, and I thought you
might have something to say about that.

I mean, that's cool. I understand.
It's important, but, uh...

just, uh, off the record,

when I sat down to do this,

you said you wanted me to
tell you some fun stories

- about dealing weed, and not, uh...
- Mm-hmm.

race politics.

- Yeah, I know, I know.
- So like, just a heads up, you know?

I'm sor... It's just that, um...

I feel like there's a bigger point
that we... you know, like, it's just...

I'm trying to focus on, like,
the, um, intersectionality

of, like, race and pot
in a post-prohibition era.

And we will get to the anecdotes. Um...

I just felt like I would
be remiss as an interviewer

if I didn't cover this very
important part of the subject.

Like blacks in Iowa are 8.3%
more likely to get arrested

for... for possession and dealing
than... than bla... than whites.

And, and I just... I felt like
it was important to highlight

how race might affect your
experience of your job.

- It is important.
- Yeah.

- [phone rings]
- I'm sorry. Um, uh...

Do you... Would you actually just...

- uh, excuse me for a second?
- [ringing continues]

- Okay.
- Sorry, I just...

I gotta, uh, take this. It's for work
Um, it's just gonna be one second.

I'll be right back.


- Whoa, dude.
- Hi, Barbara!

Thanks for calling me back!

Oh, my gosh,

it's like, so nice that
you called back at all!

I mean, my mom's been
talking about you for a while,

and, uh, to be honest, I didn't even
really know who you were, who you are.

But then I Googled you and I was like,

- "Wow...
- Okay, here we go.

"this woman is like fucking legit!"

Right. So I was hoping
to find the time to like,

- buy you coffee and pick your brain.
- The Guy: Oh, fuck you.

- Oh, no.
- Okay, um...

In that case, can I,

um, can I call you tomorrow again?

I'm actually in the middle of...

[conversation continues indistinctly]

No, that's okay. Thank you.

Good night. Oh, and thanks again!

I'm sorry. Um, where... where were we?

Um, uh, is everything okay?

I'm gonna need you to
erase that Instagram.

- Right.
- Please.


Reporter: Hungary and Croatia
continue to turn away migrants.

Many are finding their way north through
Europe's central eastern corridor,

while countries like Serbia and Bulgaria

are struggling to keep
their borders sealed.

- The European Union continues...
- Is it ready?

Thank you, Ida.

[TV continues indistinctly]

- Good morning, babe.
- [groans]

- What time is it?
- It's around 9:00.

Ida made you those
breakfast perogies you love.

I love Ida.

Yeah. Ida loves you.

No, no, no. Ugh.

- My mouth tastes like a cat shit in it.
- Oh, no, I love that. Come here.

- [chuckles]
- Mm...

- Sick.
- Mm.

Mm, it's so good, in fact.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- Morning.
- Good morning.


- Don't go to work.
- Oh, I know.

I don't want to, but I...
want to marry you right now.

- No, not yet.
- Wanna get married right now?

- Not yet.
- I gotta wait? Okay, I'll wait.

I gotta go. Mm. Love you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, Nihal, are we still going to
Marta for the black truffle pizza?

Hell yeah! Brenda made us
a rezzie for eight. Love ya!

Love you.

Reporter: Now, using a
dating app to find romance

may have become the norm for
finding love in the modern age,

but this next fall comedy might have
you think twice before swiping right.

It's called "Homeless Helga"

and it stars "Orange Is the New
Black's" Kimiko Glenn as Helga,

who's, you guessed it, homeless.

Mm, ain't nobody got time for this.

Can we get the lobster mac and cheese,

lamb face tacos, and a bottle of Dom?

Reporter: Now, on the surface,
Helga looks anything but homeless.

She's adorable and put together,

but she secretly scams
guys she meets online

into buying her meals
and letting her crash.

So I met this girl on "What's Up,
Cupid." I think I'm falling in love.

Her victims are totally oblivious

as Helga blinds them
with her adorable charm.

Almost done, baby.

Yay. Let's order tacos, dum-dum.

- Okay. I'll pay.
- [gasps]

It's working out well for her, but some
people are on to Helga and her tricks.

I play Matt's weed dealer,
and he tells Matt in the pilot

that Helga is actually homeless.

She's called Homeless Helga, bro.

- Uh-uh.
- I would definitely say

that Brooklyn is a character
in this show without a doubt.

Matt: You can stay as long as you want.

Helga: Maybe I should just move in.

- [Helga giggles]
- Reporter: Be sure to tune in

for this hilarious hipster comedy.


Reporter: That really
does make me think twice

- about online dating.
- What the fuck?

[theme music playing]


Oh, my God!

Mark! I thought that was you.

- Hello.
- How's it going, buddy?

It's been so long!

I'm sorry, but do we know each other?

- Uh...
- Oh.

Well, I'm glad you and
your Hollywood friends

finally realized I was gonna
sue your fucking face off

for getting rich off of
my fucking life story!

Yeah, I... I'm sorry, but
I... I don't know who you are.

Oh, okay. Listen, shithead,

pretending that I didn't endure
two weeks of your stupid jokes

and your stupid fucking shitty
railroad apartment, isn't gonna happen.

Look, I can't say that I know
what you're talking about, Miss.

You see, I recently came into
a bit of monetary success,

and, well, now all sorts of people
are crawling out of the woodwork

and it kind of sounds like
you're looking for a payday too.

Does that sound right or...


- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Okay, look...

- I don't need your money!
- But I will say that

if you and I were to spend a whole
week in my apartment together, alone,

ordering take-out and
only going out at night

to drink in dark places by ourselves,

then I'm sure there'd be no
one there to back up your story.

- Oh.
- Which never happened.

Oh, well... Oh, you fucking idiot!

Watch out! Watch out 'cause my
fucking lawyer's serving your ass!

Kimiko Glenn's not even
Korean, you fucking racist!

- Ilana: A literal monster.
- Lincoln: I didn't know

- you had it in there.
- [phone rings]

And I'm in that mouth
on a regular basis.

Well, I heard it on a dog phone,

so I don't tell that
many people, to be honest.

What's up?

Heidi: Sup? What you doing?

Yeah, I'm just chilling. Rewatching some
of my epic "Broad City" performances.

Oh. Interesting.

Yeah, hey, quick question:

do you remember that guy,
um, who used to sell us weed

back when I was living with
you? Do you have his number?

♪ ♪

Resetting. Resetting.

Still rolling. Reset please.
Resetting. Still rolling.

Man [over radio]: Okay, that's a reset.

Resetting. We are resetting. Copy that.

Man [over radio]: Okay, guys, those
last couple of cars are passing through,

- so when they do, let's lock it up.
- Cool. Lock it up. Lockin' it up.

We don't have to do anything!

Ready. Here we go. Rolling.

Okay. Rolling. Copy that.

Action. Copy that. Have a good take.

Aaron, don't tell us
to have a good take.

Awesome. Sorry about that. Copy that.

Don't say "copy" to everything.

Oh, I... I... I...

Actually, uh, I can't let you
come through here right now

'cause we're rolling, you know?


Okay, I'm going in that
building right there though.

It's behind camera.

- Can I...
- Yeah, let me...

- Do you mind if I check on that?
- Yeah.


Hey, um, this is Aaron.

I actually have a bicyclist that needs
to get to a building behind the camera.

Is it okay if I let him through?

Man [over radio]: No, we're rolling.

No, no one's in, so copy that.
I was thinking the same thing.

Actually I have to ask
you to wait till we cut.

If that's okay?

- That guy just walked by.
- Yeah. Sir?

- You can't get 'em every time.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but I think actually
my job is to do that.

You got me.

Yeah. [chuckles]

And I'm never letting you go. [chuckles]

No, I'll let you go when they just say

they've stopped rolling,
and then I'll let you go.


[car alarm chirps]

Ooh! [stammers]

Yup. Okay.

Oh, actually, sir...

Man [on radio]: That's
a cut. That's a cut.

Oh, that's a cut. Copy that.
Back to one. Good stuff.

- All right, well, thanks, Aaron.
- Awesome, man.

- You're doing great, man.
- I'm really not.

- Hey, man.
- What's up, man?

- How's it going?
- How are you doing, man?

Doing all right, doing all right.

- They're shooting "Girls" outside.
- I know, man.

I tried to get a cameo, but, you
know, per my Comedy Central deal,

I can only do a couple
guest spots per year.

Ah, well. You remember Heidi.

- Yeah. Hi.
- Sup?

- How are you doin'?
- Mm, good.

So what do you guys
want today? I got, uh...

- I'm carrying pens now.
- Oh, nice.

And I got some edibles and, uh, of
course I have just plain ol' flowers.

- Heidi: Oh, cool.
- Cool case, man.

Thank you. You know, the cops,
they can't ask you to unlock it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, that's cool.
- Yeah. There you go.

- Boom.
- Oh, my God.

- Yeah.
- Beautiful.

Okay, so these are
sativas, these are indicas.

These are 25, 50, 75, 15, 15.

Hey, so remember that guy
Mark that you used to sell to?

Um, I kind of need you to
testify that you saw us together.


I just need you to whatever.

Just say that you saw us
once in front of lawyers.

You want me to testify in
court that I'm a weed dealer

and that I saw you
scamming one of my clients?

Not in court, no.

It's a taped deposition, so
you just show up and say, "Hey."

And if they ask you about your weed,

my lawyer says you just
plead the Fifth or whatever.

- Okay. That's... that's...
- It's just like, yeah.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- I'm not gonna do it.
- [laughs]

I'm calling out the Fifth
Amendment for my rights, I guess.

- Yeah. You invited me.
- Dude!

That fucking dingle-butt
stole my intellectual property

and is making a shit-ton
of money off of me, okay?

- That's not cool. Come on.
- It's like "The Social Network."

He's Mark Zuckerberg and
she's the Winklevoss twins.

I think you mean that...

- she's Mark Zuckerberg...
- She's Mark Zucker...

No, she's the Winklevoss twins.

- She's the... I don't know...
- You're right. Yeah.

- Okay, okay, okay, hey, hey.
- The Guy: I think it works.

I am homeless.

This settlement could change my life.

Yeah, but you're, like,
homeless by choice though, right?

Which is your business
and, I don't know,

I don't want to be on record as
a weed dealer so I can help, a...

Vagabond vagina peddler?

Oh, damn. I didn't...

That's not nice.

- Yeah, I wasn't gonna say that, man.
- Sex gypsy?

- Oh. Well...
- Or like a...

- I didn't say sex gypsy.
- Excuse me.

- I just heard somebody else say it.
- Are you finished

with your slut shaming?

- We're not slut shaming.
- Huh?

- I wouldn't say...
- Uh, I don't know...

Felt like it! Whenever you're finished

shaming me for my sexuality...

- It's just sensitive times.
- I have something to show you.

I play the role of Guy.

- Uh, he is...
- Oh, Brett Gelman.

Matt's weed dealer. And in the pilot,
he tells Matt that Helga is homeless,

and they kind of join
forces to expose her.

No, what do you mean
she's homeless, dude?

- Sin casa, bro.
- And I love the role.

- He's kind of that comic relief. And...
- Oh, fuck.

- the straight man in the show.
- What the fuck?

You know, he gets to be the
guy who goes [imitates fart]

but also the guy who goes,
"Hey, that stinks!" You know?

- [man laughing]
- Yeah! How about Vietnamese?

[laughter continues]

So happy you're amused.

- It's very well-written.
- Thank you.

Yeah, because it's my life, actually.

Listen, Ms. Park, are you
able to offer physical proof

that you ever spent
time with Mr. Greene?

Yes. We have printouts of
all of our correspondences

on OkCupid, and I think you will see

that Mark and I have
had several exchanges

since we, uh... before we met up.

We also have a printout of my inbox
if you'd like to take a look at that...

- Ms. Park?
- as well. Yes?

Ms. Park, do you have
proof that you actually,

physically, spent time together?

My client was, well, let's
just say he was rather active

in the online dating community at
the time you say you were lovers.

He was corresponding with a
number of women three years ago.


You mean private stuff,
like he only has one ball?

Stuff like that?

Like personal, private information?

No, I don't know Heidi Park, nor am
I acquainted with her drug dealer.

There are a number of
details in your screenplay

that would tell us
otherwise, Mr. Greene.

It's incredible how many people
think my work is about them.

It's been very surprising, but
I think that just, you know,

speaks to the
universality of my writing.

I am surprised.

The specificity of the details
of your "Homeless Helga" series,

the Germanic first name
that starts with an H,

the family-owned yogurt business,
these details, sir, are...

fabricated from your own imagination?


They were.

♪ ♪

The Guy: Yeah, um...

We, uh...

I did, uh, join him in his apartment

a couple of times this year
and the year before. Yes.

Lawyer: And how would you characterize
your relationship with Mr. Greene?

Would you say you were friends?

I... wouldn't say we were close,

but I would say we hung
out a couple of times, yeah.

Well, what were you doing when you
would go to Mr. Greene's residence?

You don't have to answer that.

I don't have to answer that.

Can you offer any proof that
you have had any connection

with Mr. Greene outside of this room?

Oh, yeah.

Right here.

Do you have a photo of
the two of you together?

- Hold on, hold on. Hold on.
- Okay.

[phone rings]


So that's me, right?

And my name comes up on
there. It should be, like...

- something to do with...
- Yeah.

Camera should get that too, right?

The Guy: Yeah, so there you go.

What you looking at?

- Wedding pics.
- Aww.

- Look how cute I am.
- I'm cute.

- Oh, you are cute. Mm.
- Look, I'm cute again here.

- Look! You're not looking.
- You look beautiful.

You gonna take the Jitney
out this morning or no?

- Or you wanna come with me after work?
- Mm, no, I'll meet you there.

- I have a little thingy.
- Yeah? Mm.

- Mwah.
- Okay.

All right, I gotta go.

- Okay, bye.
- I love you. I love you.

Both: Mm...

- Mwah.
- You're stupid.

[laughs] Yes, I am.

- Bye.
- Bye.


♪ ♪

- Look what we did.
- No.

No kitties. Well then
let's try this again.

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

You hold it, press it.

There you go.

And now do auto set. Boop.

[gasps] Look at that.

Look. I got it open.

I know. Look what you did.

- Oh, no.
- And I got this.

You sure did. Hey,
can you back up please?

- Thank you.
- I can't believe that I got it.

- You did.
- How did it do that?

I don't know.

It could be one of the kitties.

Did you open it?

No, I didn't because I'm not in there.

- You're not in the phone?
- Yup.

♪ ♪

♪ Girl, somebody's watchin' ♪

♪ When you're walkin' down the street ♪

♪ When you move your butt ♪

♪ And then it skips to the beat ♪

♪ I got feeling in mind ♪

♪ Like New York time ♪

♪ And you move your butt ♪

♪ And then my Benz break down ♪

♪ I wanna save ya, persuade ya ♪

♪ To do the 99 ♪

♪ Like ice, your butt
is like dice now, damn ♪

♪ It's the way you feel ♪

♪ When your body kneel ♪

♪ So now you choose me ♪

♪ It's the whisper that I miss ♪

♪ When you do it like this ♪

♪ Like ice, your butt
is like dice now, damn ♪