High Maintenance (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Tick - full transcript

(baby babbling)

Yeah, man. That's the
East Coast... ticks.

Well, yeah, but we almost didn't go
to Montauk, which is what kills me

because it's like, last minute,
our friends decide to elope,

and we went to her parents' summerhouse

just to be supportive and,
like, go with the flow,

even though there's so much to do and

we're obviously not
even remotely unpacked.

And besides, we left LA to
avoid dying in a drought,

not so some tick could murder my baby.

Don't blame the tick, babe. It's
the Lyme disease inside the tick



that'll kill our daughter.

Oh, you know what, save
that for her eulogy.

Like a ticking time bomb.

Quinn: That is in poor taste.

- Jim, great job in the kitchen, man.
- Really, this isn't funny.

I liked it.

What are you doing right now?

Yeah, let me know how that
pen works out, man.

Hey, can I offer you guys

a complimentary housewarming edible?

Oh, that's very kind.

- Oh, that's... We're fine, babe.
- (baby babbling)

- Oh.
- Okay.

I actually have a colleague
who wanted your number.



Can I just give it to
her or do you need...

Yeah, sure. Just, um, just text
me her name number and address,

and then when she texts me,

just make sure she
doesn't say anything about weed.

Make sure she just
says she wants to hang out.

- Got it. Cool.
- Okay?

That is the cutest baby I've ever seen.

Oh, thanks, so much.

You are so beautiful.

Congratulations. And the new house.

Can I take any of these empty
boxes down or anything?

Well, actually, would you
mind taking that trash?

- I can smell Jane's diaper.
- No, babe.

- You don't need to do that.
- Oh, I don't even mind.

- He's helpful.
- I'm very helpful.

Yeah, okay. Thank you, bike safe.

Yeah, thank you. I'll
take the recyclables too.

Sweet. Thanks, man.

Bye-bye, you guys.

I cannot believe you seriously just asked
the weed guy to take out the trash.

He wouldn't ask if he didn't want to.

It's an empty gesture, I think.

(speaks indistinctly)

(woman chuckles)

♪ ♪

(slurping)

(slurps)

(radio playing indistinctly)

♪ ♪

(theremin warbling classical melody)

We see photos of you with David
Bowie's wife, the African model.

You look so beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

That was kind of surreal.

Yeah, I mean, this whole
year has been surreal.

Liang has been getting us into
some pretty fancy rooms these days.

Oh, Wei, I was meaning to ask you...

Do you have any photos of you
and Liang back in the '80s

when he was playing in the subways?

'Cause my friend is making a
documentary on musical prodigies

- and Liang is in it.
- (gasps) You get so famous now!

I find you some photos and send

- them to you next week.
- Okay.

Give me your address. I don't
have your new one since you moved.

- Excuse me. May we please have...
- I'll give you Liang's manager's e-mail

- and he'll coordinate the photos.
- ...a glass of Sancerre and the check.

Well, have you given some thought
about coming to Berlin?

Uh, I think we stay
home. His back hurts a lot.

He cannot sit
through the six-hour flight.

The seats are first-class. They recline.

Yeah, they're
actually really comfortable.

I mean, I slept all the way here.

Sorry. I told you, it's
going to be fine.

Solange's dad has like a
million frequent flyer miles.

All right? Cost is not
going to be an issue.

I know Liang said no gifts, but...

I couldn't help myself.

(ringtones playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Man: You cannot delete the Internet.

I think you probably just
deleted the shortcut.

Just the shortcut. Yeah,
that part right there.

Okay, guys, hey, listen.

Great session today,

but before we go, I just want
to say a couple of things.

I still notice that some of
you are licking your finger

before you swipe the phone.

You don't need to do
that with this technology.

And I'm talking to you, Joon. Okay?

- (laughing)
- Um, so, uh, that's the other thing.

And then, like, let's try some of the
things this week that we learned today.

Let's try FaceTiming with
our grandchildren.

Hey, let's use voice-to-text.

Um, and now I'm
gonna answer the questions

that you guys text to me
before we finish up class.

"IRL" means "in real life."

And just remember, Mary, you
don't need to sign your name.

Your contact information comes
right up on the screen.

Although "sincerely" is kind of nice.

It's kind of nice to
get a sincerely from you.

Man (on TV): The Republican pushback
has been completely disorganized.

Come on, let's hope that
the Obama administration...

Woman (on TV): You mean to
tell me the DNA was planted...

(TV continuing indistinctly)

(alarm buzzing)

Man: Hey, Jim!

Whoa!

(electronic music thumping)

♪ ♪

(lively chattering)

Uh, hi.

Oh, Cookie!

Hey, everybody, this
is my daughter, Quinn.

Quinn, this is everybody. Hey!

- All: Hi!
- Hey.

- Woman: Quinn!
- Hey, mama!

Quinn: You're who I
should be talking to.

My dad says that you run a preschool?

That's my 20-month-old
over there, Jane.

Oh, I met her. She's so smiley.

Yeah, she is.

It's actually a
preschool for grown-ups.

- Oh...
- You should totally check it out.

Isn't that just so fleek?

Oh, Dad, I'm not sure you're quite
getting the usage on that yet.

Ha-cha-cha, give me a
break. Come on, don't you love it?

She's got all these
Wall-Streeters coming in,

doing finger painting and taking naps.

I think it's fabulous.

Yeah. Only Costco's finest, I see.

This is Professor Cupcake.
He's one of our instructors.

- Hi, Cupcake.
- Hi, Juicebox.

Jim: I call her Cookie!

Oh, sounds like a lot of carbs.

Nasim was basically, like, an
orphan before me, you know?

I mean, don't you
sometimes feel like it's narcissistic

to be like, "Oh, my genes, DNA...

I have to give birth." You know? I...

Oh, I think she's hungry.

Oh, I'm still lactating.

- My younger one is four and...
- No, no.

- That's fine, thank you.
- Are you sure?

Dean: Yes, thank you.

Woman: Okay. I think I'm leaking...

Oh, you know what, it's not...

Oh, yeah, come on. I'd rather do that.

It's more direct.

I mean, Jesus Christ! Only in Brooklyn

can you smoke pot all
day with your friends

and call it a preschool for adults.

Oh, I don't think there's any
pot involved in the preschool.

I think that's about offering adults

a chance to escape from
their responsibilities in the city.

As far as I can tell, these people spend
every day they're not at Burning Man

decompressing from or getting
ready for Burning Man.

I don't know, day raves are
really trending right now,

so they might know something we don't.

Oh, really, are day raves on fleek?

- Oh, I know, it's terrible.
- Ha-cha-cha.

I know. Stop. I know, he's the worst.

- Ha-cha-cha.
- Stop.

In fact, he actually
called something

"off fleek" last night.
Did you hear that?

He just wants to be
one of the cool kids.

Well, and since he started
smoking bowls at 11:00 a.m.,

he's forgetting things.

Like the fact that he said he
would take Jane on Monday.

Why can't you take her?

Well, I was hoping to go climbing.

Remember, I don't have class
'cause of the holiday.

Oh, well, I'm sorry
my super generous dad

who does all this stuff for
us can't be there on Monday

and you have to spend
time with your own kid.

No, come on. You know that's not what
I'm saying. I'm basically just repeating

back things that you
say all the time.

- Nah, I say it a little differently.
- I'm not attacking his character.

He's just really saving our asses right
now, so I think we can let him have this.

The... Oh, yeah.

I might go with him next time.

- To the... a day rave?
- Yeah.

Cool.

As long as you can watch Jane.

- Yup.
- Great.

I'm so glad you came.

We're gonna have a fabulous time.

No one's gonna make me
dance with them, right?

- I can just dance by myself?
- No, no, no.

You just do you, Cookie.
Everything's gonna be great.

Oh, wow, Gaby Hoffmann.

- Who?
- Right there, Gaby Hoffmann.

- You know who she is.
- Wait, that's Gaby?

Hey, I know her! Gaby!

(dance music playing)

Inhale, lift your arms up!

Exhale, and let's om.

All: Om...

Exhale. Round cat.

Inhale. Cow.

Draw your navel up,

and back to dog.

And breathe.

Sit bones up and back, and stretch.

Open muladhara chakra and
stretch your coochie.

♪ Heat ♪

♪ You see the road I wanna follow ♪

♪ It takes a turn, it's hard to follow ♪

♪ I want your touch, I want your body ♪

♪ I feel the heat ♪

♪ I feel the heat ♪

♪ Heat ♪

♪ I feel the heat ♪

DJ: What's up? What's
up? Good morning, yeah!

(door opens)

- Hi!
- Hi.

I didn't realize you
were gonna be here so early.

Yeah, I was at that morning dance thing.

Did you get my text about the juice?

Yeah, yeah. I responded, yes.

- I got the green and the beet.
- Oh, right, right, right, sorry.

It's just I'm in... I'm
in a weird headspace.

It was weird? It was no good?

No, you know what, it was fine.

It was just, um...
It just wasn't for me.

There was a lot of touching and hugging

and body glitter, just
too early in the morning.

But I'm over 30, so what do I know?

Yeah, it's weird. I can't
do anything in the morning.

Like, I can't even read a book.

Like, anything...

I'm sorry to cut you off, Jess.

I just... I was hoping for
a moment of quiet.

- Oh, yeah, totally.
- Great.

Sorry.

(phone ringing)

(chair scraping)

Sorry.

(computer chimes)

- It's my birthday...
- Where are we on the settee?

What's a settee?

It's the couch thing
I asked you to order.

Oh. Uh...

Yeah, I will f... I will
find... I'll find that...

- I'll send you the link again.
- Oh, okay, yeah.

- Happy birthday.
- Okay, thank you.

♪ ♪

Hey, you okay, man?

Hey.

You okay?

Um, that... That's our chair!

What?

That's our chair, the one
he's sitting on, it's ours.

We're just waiting for him to wake up,

- but that's our chair.
- Do you know him?

We saw it first, sorry.

But you don't know him?

No.

- We've been here. Sorry.
- I see.

- It's all yours.
- Both: Thank you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

It's a beautiful
piece. Everyone wants it.

- ♪ The chair is mine ♪
- (phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

Hey.

Jim, hey.

Can you call me back the normal way?

Jim: What's that, bud? What'd you say?

This is, uh, video.

Yeah, it's FaceTime.

I'll call you back.

Nobody wants to do the FaceTime.

(phone ringing)

Okay.

Here we go. How can I help you?

Jim: Hey. I'm babysitting Jane tonight.

You got to come to the parlor floor.

Okay, cool. So, uh, I'll put you last

and then I can get those playlists
from you. Sound good?

Ha-cha-cha!

Yeah, ha-cha-cha, see you, man.

Feel better.

How long can a person sleep for?

It was fun and I mean, interesting

from like, a sociological perspective.

And I'm totally glad I went...

Yeah, I think they're
all camping out in our yard.

Yes, and our backyard
is full of day ravers.

You will know them by
their trail of glitter.

I just... There's no way those girls

aren't skeeved out by him.

Well, maybe they're not. I once fucked
a guy that was 26 years older than me.

- What?!
- Wow.

When was this?

It was way before our time.

Don't make it about you.

I used to go to Costco when I was a kid.

You really can't beat the savings.

I mean, they've been selling
a hot dog and a fountain soda

for $1.50 since the '80s. Come on!

That's right. Those
hot dogs are fucking good.

And they'll let you return anything.

Anything. No questions asked.

I returned an inflatable pool island

that Quinn used for an entire summer,

they still gave me my money back.

- Bullshit.
- Cash.

- Cash?
- No receipt.

- They're fabulous.
- That is incredible.

I just can't give up Costco, man.

I feel so fucking calm in that place.

(laughs)

Wait. How old is he?

- 67.
- He's 67.

He's 67?

- Yeah.
- I can't even get out of the house.

I mean, I've been trying to see...

I've been trying to take
her to see "Hamilton" forever.

Oh, it is so good.

We totally get it though.

We got key lime pie in
Red Hook the other day,

- and it was like scaling Mount Everest.
- I love that place.

I haven't been there in so long.

- Just getting out of the house.
- And I didn't eat anything.

But you know... honey, we
should just go for strolls.

- Just go for a walk.
- Oh, right.

Are you fucking kidding me?

It'd take two hours to get out the door.

- Okay.
- Oh, no, no, I'll get it.

I'll get her.

Okay.

Okay.

(sighs)

So, I saw on Instagram, Jane is walking.

- Yeah.
- She is.

What are you guys doing
with her stroller?

So, what you retired and
then you moved to New York?

I don't hear about that very often.

I mean, I used to be
a fucking asshole, so...

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I was working my ass
off for my entire kids' childhood.

It was like, they were
born and I went to work

where I slept and
woke up 30 years later.

Just working?

Yeah, I just... selling
the company, man.

- Yeah.
- And the idea behind this place,

is to expose the grandkids

to a little
culture, a little diversity...

- Okay.
- ...so they're not so scared growing up

like Quinn and her brother were.

You know, so fucking uptight.

Yeah, her husband's
kind of uptight, too.

Oh, God. Did they call
you about that tick thing?

- No.
- Oh, baby.

They said they were gonna call you.

Well, here's a perfect example.

They got all bent out of
shape after you came last time

because apparently you
threw away a bottle

they were saving a tick in.

Yes, the tick that
bit the baby in Montauk.

What?

I know people drafted into Vietnam

who reacted more calmly than
those two about that tick.

That's... terrible.

I took their tick, man.

(laughing)

I've just been watching
those two run around like assholes

for the past week
talking ticks and Lyme disease,

and I'm just thinking this
shit is fucking Cray.

Yeah. That is Cray.

- (phone buzzing)
- Wait a minute.

News from the front.

They'll be home in
about 15 minutes or so.

So, it seems like we
can safely smoke that thing.

All right. That sounds good.

I can put the kettle on and, um...

You want something? Tea, beer?

Beer would be good.

I'll get some of Dean's craft
beer, some good shit.

No, I don't want to
drink his craft beer.

Oh, I bought it, it's fine.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Her fingernails were so dirty.

- Did you really not notice that?
- Did I notice that

- her fingernails were dirty?
No, I did not see that. - Yes.

Oh, my gosh, they were filthy.

I can't believe you didn't notice that.

Well, she's busy. She
works in production.

She has like, 15-hour days.

That is a ridiculous excuse.

- Also, she's a lesbian.
- Yeah.

So you'd think that would
be, like, extra important to her.

- Or to Joan.
- Yeah...

And like, I ate her food.

It's not like I think
she's a filthy person.

I just would not want to
be her sex partner with...

Do you smell that? Is something burning?

- Oh, my God, Dad!
- Oh!

Dad! Dad!

Do you see the monitor? Dad!

- Oh, what the...
- Shit!

Dad, you put the fucking electric
kettle on the stove!

It was burning!

- My God! - Are you seriously
holding a joint right now?

Wow. My God, I'm sorry you guys.

Thank goodness you came
home when you did, right? Shit.

Yeah, otherwise you would've
burned down the whole house.

Well, it's an honest mistake.

I'm used to my stovetop
kettle in there, the same shape.

Was it a mistake or are you stoned?

Cookie, I'm sorry.

But I've gotta say,

I think the stimulating conversation's
what made me forget about the kettle,

not the grass.

I just took two hits right now. Ask him.

Yeah, I saw him. He only took two hits.

And I heard that I took your tick,

and I feel terrible.

Totally. I hope that you guys...

Have a good night.

Sorry about this. I'm really sorry.

It's cool, man. I'm
sure it was an accident.

Dad, do we have to be the
only adults in the house?

Are you gonna be our other
child that we have to worry about?

Wait a second. Wait a second. Like Dean
said to The Guy, it was an accident.

Yeah, well, the weed guy's not
helping us raise our child, you are.

And I know you don't have a lot
of experience raising children,

but it's more than just showing
up and buying things.

You have to actually be
present and sober, okay?

Not act like some
unemployed 20-year-old raver.

What the fuck, Quinn?

Don't put me on blast like that.

(snickers)

Stop making fun of me!

I'm a person. I'm not just Dad.

I'm a person too, and I have feelings.

Yeah, well, now the house
is filled with toxic fumes.

Well, then you can all sleep down
here if you like. I don't care.

Sorry. We've had a few too many tonight.

Quinn: I'm not drunk!

(phone dings)

(phone dings)

(chuckles)

Could you turn down the brightness?

(chuckles)

Bye, Felicia.

(chuckles)

Wait, I thought your
daughter's name was Quinn?

You don't know "Bye, Felicia"?

No. Who's Felicia?

I don't actually know who she is,

but it's on fleek.

Get ready.

Don't do that.

I'm coming in.

- They're right upstair... Don't do that.
- I'm coming in.

Get ready. I'm coming in.

You didn't trust me to
get 'em up in time.

- Yes, I... Oh!
- Oh...

- Whoa.
- That was good.

- What if I can't get pregnant again?
- What?