High Maintenance (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Grandpa - full transcript

Shot from the perspective of Gatsby, a dog, who falls in love with his dog walker, The Guy's friend Beth.

♪ ♪

Man: I'm throwing away the bones!

Woman: Oh, Howard, I
was gonna make stock!

Howard: You always say you're
gonna make stock and you never do!

Woman: I've made stock!

Howard: Hey, Gatsby, I see you!

(Gatsby whining)

You're gonna get it now.
You are in for it, mister.

Come on. Come on.

Chase, he's at it again.

Chase: Gatsby! God bless it!

(sighs) Get down!

Howard, I am so sorry.

Get out of here, get!

Howard: Aren't you feeding this guy?

Chase: Yeah, you know, he's
been acting up lately.

You know, after everything with Tracy.

I think he can tell something's

Howard: Yeah, looks
like you're almost packed.

When are you out of here?

Chase: End of next week.

Howard: Wow, that's soon.

Chase: Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.

I asked them just to move
it along as fast as they could.

Howard: Probably a good
time for a fresh start, huh?

Chase: Yeah, I've always
wanted to live in New York City.

♪ ♪

Damn it, Gatsby!



All right. Oh, hey, hey. Relax.

Come on, Gats, just do your
business, all right?

I got to get going, let's go.

- (barks)
- Oh, don't worry, he's...

- He's real friendly.
- Yeah. Let's go, Maise.


Man: Hey, man, your
fucking dog took our ball!

And he's shitting over there.

Chase: I'm sor... He's
got a lot of energy.

Come here, come here!

Gats! Gats!

- (yelps)
- Oh!

Come on, baby. Hey, baby...

You better control your
dog, motherfucker!

Man, I am so sorry about your dog.

♪ ♪


Chase: Hey, Gats!

How did you get into the biz?

Woman (Australian accent):
Well, I was in a church...

An ayahuasca church in Brazil,

and halfway through the
ceremony I looked down

and I was like, "Whoa, I'm
really close to the ground,

and I also have paws."

And then I was like, "Shit, I'm a dog."

And when I got back to
the city I thought,

"I have to work with dogs,

and I am a dog."

Chase: Uh, well, yeah.

I've never been to church in Brazil.

Um, but it sounds really
spiritual, so...

Listen, I hate to run, but I am late.

Uh, if he pushes you around on the walk,

just give him a
smack on the behind, okay?

You know what? I think we're
gonna have a great time.

Uh, bye.

- (door closes)
- (mockingly) Bye.

Hey, hey! Stop.

That's right. You stop right there.



Now keep staying.

All right, Gatsby, you come here.

Good boy.

Hi. Hi.

Here's what I want you to know about me.

I have the best motherfucking treats.

You want one?



Get in there.

Here you go.

This is gonna work out beautifully.

Let's make some walkies.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't
waste your pees on that.

You wait till you see where we're going.

Hey. Come on.

Come on, Musso. Musso. Come on.

Come on. Watch it, bud.

All righty!

Look there.

We've got a new friend.

Look who it is, this is Gatsby.

Gatsby, this is Musso and Frank.

Yeah, their butts smell really nice.

Get on in there. All right.

Let's go.

Yes, please.

Move it out. Move it out. Move it out.

Off we go. Off we go.

Come on. Off we go.

Nice and easy. Come on, now.

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

Oh, this is so glorious.

Nice walking.

Off we go. Off we go. Off we go.

Aah! How you feeling?

We're about to run up on
some prime squirrel territory.

You just take it nice
and easy. Super chill.

Oh, hold up. I want some liquids.

Hold up. Hold up.

♪ ♪

♪ In the park of lovers ♪

♪ She walks like no other ♪

♪ When I stop ♪

♪ She picks up after me ♪

♪ In the cold weather ♪

♪ She puts on a sweater ♪

♪ Longing that ♪

♪ Till next Monday comes ♪

♪ ♪

Come on, friends. Off we go.

Off we go. Off we go.

Mama's got to get some cigarettes
before she goes to her other job.

The soul-crushing one.

I think that Musso is sometimes
jealous of Frank

'cause Frank is so outgoing, right?

But introverts are introverts,
and you just got to own it.

Sit. Oh, what a good boy!

You want a treat? I'll give you a treat.

There you go, you beautiful thing.

Yes, delicious.

Yeah, you'd do anything for
a snack, wouldn't you?

You're such a good boy.

So we had a really
good first day together.

Great poops today, huh?

You're amazing.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You are better than most people, really.

All right. I'll see
you tomorrow, Gatsby.

Chase: Gats!

(TV sportscast playing indistinctly)

Hey, Gats, come here, buddy!

Hey, man, you want some chicken?

Suit yourself, dummy.

- (woman murmurs)
- (keys jingle)

(door opens)

Look who it is!


Oh, I missed you.

I missed you, you beautiful thing.

Oh. Oh, honey.

Oh, you're a peester, meester.

Aw, that's okay. We can clean that up.

No need to be ashamed.

I know she's my mom,

and like, she wants a
return on the investment

for raising me, but a
15-hour time difference

makes conversation really
difficult, you know,

- 'cause you're in these...
- Beth?

- ...different transitional periods
of the day. - Is your name Beth?

- Hey. I don't know if
you remember me. - Hi.

Um, I'm Ian's sister, Phaedra.

- Oh!
- We had Thanksgiving three years ago.

- Yes, yes. Hi!
- Yes. Yeah.

Good to see you.

- Oh, yeah.
- (barks)

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Oh!

You don't do that!

Sit down. Sit down, baby.



I just wanted to say thank
you so much for speaking up,

but if I need your
help, I'll let you know.


Who's a stud?

You are, you big boy.

All right, you have fun tonight.

Be good.

See you Monday, bud.

♪ ♪

Chase: All right. All right, yeah.

Let's do this. You wanna go for a walk?

All right, man.

What a week, Gats.

- ♪ In my loner hour ♪
- (TV playing indistinctly)

♪ I turn to my twin bed ♪

♪ For power ♪

(TV continuing)

- (whining)
- ♪ And like a swimming pool ♪

Now you wanna go on a walk?

You're a wack-a-doodle.

Come on.

♪ It gets me wet and cool ♪

Hey, I thought we were going for a walk?

What's going on with you? Come on.

Come on, man, it's cold
outside. Just do it.


All right, All right, All right, come on.

Chase: No kidding.

Oh, that's a really
good retirement gift.

Ah, jeeze, I wish I
could have been there.

Oh, yeah. Everything's good.

You know, the new place is nice.

It's newly remodeled.

I... just to be honest with you,

I don't have time to
do anything but work.

Sure, yeah.

Um, I... I miss you, Tracy.

♪ So in my stoner hour ♪

♪ Oh, how I float ♪

♪ Just wondering about her ♪



(TV playing indistinctly)

(crying continuing)


(Gatsby whines)

(Chase sobbing)




(keys jangle)

♪ ♪

(door opens, closes)

♪ Colder than the coast ♪

♪ And I... ♪

Beth: Yoo-hoo!

♪ To tend to the rows ♪

♪ I close the windows and doors ♪

Beth: What are these bubbles?

What is that, dude?

♪ You shape me like clay ♪

♪ I tumble right to you ♪



Come on, guys.

Holy shit.

This is pretty... pretty
fucking cool, guys.

Just wait.

Did he see the part where he gets...


Just wait.

Who's that?


Oh, shit...



No, no, no...

That's horrible, man.

Totally insane, right?

Really horrible. Why would anyone
want to see that, man?

We see it as having an application
towards empathy training for prisoners,

you know, to help them
relate to their victims.

Yeah, well, it's pretty intense.

Just wait. We're doing a
simulation of what it would be like

in that Chilean mine accident from 2010.

- Epic.
- Yeah.

All right. Well, I won't ask if
you guys are making a porno.

Oh, we already made the porno.

I'm in it.

All right, well...

you guys are following your
passion. That's good.

Thanks, man. We like to call ourselves

"the Inventors of the New Self."



I'm gonna go.

Have fun tonight.

Yo. Don't tell anyone
what's going on down here.

Hey, Beth. Hold on. I won't.

See you.

Hey, girl.

Beth: Hey, dude, how you doing?

Yeah, man, I just took
a look at the future.

It's pretty fucking terrifying.

If you are feeling sad about the future,

I can make you feel happy
about the present

because I just met the
most amazing bubble man,

and he told me about
this crazy bubble show

that is going down in
Astoria Park at 4:30...

- Astoria?
- ...and I think...

Yes, Astoria.

What, you find the Pulaski
Bridge a little too strenuous?

I think you can handle it.

- The Guy: No, it's not that, really.
- Listen.

Why don't you just jump on your bike,

come to Queens, we'll smoke,

and then we'll watch the
show together, huh?

Don't pretend you don't love Queens.

The Guy: Eh, it's not
my preferred borough.

Very boring to shit on Queens.

♪ ♪

(knock on the door)

Who's here?

Who's here? Who is it?

Let's check.

Okay, sit. Sit.

And stay. Good boy.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Welcome to Queens!

You could be Dorothy Michaels
from "Tootsie" with those glasses.

Huh. I was going for sexy grandma,
but I'll take what I can get.

Tootsie is like, the
best Dustin Hoffman film, man.

Like, that's a compliment.

- Hmm. Yeah... Oh.
- (barks)

- Oh, whoa.
- Hey...

He's just saying
hello. He's super friendly.

Aren't you? This is Gatsby.

Hey, Gatsby. Sorry about that.

What about the other doggies, they good?

Oh, the doggies were so good.

But you know what was
better than the doggies?

- The bubble man.
- Bubble man.

All right. But before we do bubs,

where do you want to do this?

In there.

- You sure?
- Oh, yeah.

All right. Sounds good.

In case you didn't notice,
it smells like shit in here.

I did notice.

It's like, do your dishes,
man. Just do 'em.

Or at least put them in the fridge
until you're ready to do them.

I mean, that's what I do.

- Yeah, that's also an option.
- Mm-hmm.

So you got me on the clock for bubs.

It better be good, man.

Oh, shit. That's a lot of expectation.

I don't want to build him up too much.

It's kind of more of a conceptual thing.

It's like, here's this guy,

and he's just invented this job

where he just goes out makes bubbles,

makes people happy.

That's pretty cool, I guess.

And so I was thinking,

maybe I should learn to do some bubs?

Yeah, bartender,

uh, mushrooms,


- bubs.
- Yes, please.

Oh, my... You got a, uh...

- Oh, shit.
- (barking)

- Oh, damn, man.
- Dude. Oh!

- Hold this, hold this.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't
know what's got into you.

(in Australian accent) That
dingo better not eat no baby.

That's not even funny.
That's, like, a real thing.

I didn't see the
movie. I just know the quote.

It's people's lives. It's not a movie.

Okay, I'm gonna put
this maniac in the bedroom.

Do you want me to crack
these beers now or at the park?

You do what feels right, stud.


(can pops)

(door closes)

Oh, I knew it!

Judas Priest!

Are you kidding me!

What, are you throwing
a party while I'm gone?

- I...
- (cans clatter)

I'm sure I don't need to tell you this,

but what you did was
just totally unprofessional.


I feel like I... I used
some really bad judgment.

Chase: Yeah.

If you change your mind, ever,

you have a beautiful dog,

- and I...
- Yeah, thanks.

Really, I just... I
think we're good here.

I'm sorry I let you down.

All right. I'll, uh... I'll let them
know that you've turned in the keys.

(Gatsby whines)

I hate to do this,
Gats, but you forced my hand.

I don't have any other choice.

Hey, I'll be back soon, dude.

Hey, buddy.

Wanna go for a walk? Huh?

Come on, let's go.

No? All right. Suit yourself, man.

Come on, Gats. Let's go outside.

Come on.


You're coming outside.
Let's go. Come on.

Hey, you got to take
a leak sometime, man.

Come on. You're not
leaking in the house.

Let's go.

What's going on with you, man?

You can take the boy out of Indiana,

- but it's tough to get there.
- (woman laughs)

Oh, he's...

But, uh, yeah. Then, you know,

the premium's low, and it's
got vision, dental, medical...

- That sounds good.
- ...everything, you know.

♪ ♪


Gatsby, come back!


♪ ♪

Ah, yeah. Good looking out, Gramps.

Oh, jackpot.

Chubby buddy, yeah.




Hey, thought I'd cut out the middle man.

- There you go.
- All right.

Thanks, man.

Who's this guy? Hey.

Oh, this is Grandpa.

- Hey, Grandpa.
- I named him after my Grandpa.

He looks like a grandpa.

There was a shit on the
seat and I couldn't go.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I still really, really need to pee.

Okay, okay. Let's find you a bathroom.

Have a fun day, guys.

- Enjoy.
- Yeah, thanks.

See ya, Grandpa.

Why didn't you just... squat? Hover?

I can't hover over the
shit. I would get shit on me.

My legs are very small

and I would've got shit on my thighs.

Another person's shit on my thighs.

Hey, Gramps!

Hey, Gramps, where you going?



♪ Dream, baby, dream ♪

♪ Dream, baby, dream ♪

♪ Dream, baby, dream ♪

♪ Dream, baby, dream ♪

♪ Forever ♪