High Maintenance (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Museebat - full transcript

Girl: Here is it.

- Oh! That is disgusting!
- That is some ratchet shit.

- Oh, my God.
- That looks like a gnarled root.

You have to rethink premed

if you can't handle
looking at an erect penis!

- Erect? What kind of doctor are
you trying to be? - Let me see.

Oh, that is so gross. Why? Why
would anybody wanna look at that?

No! That's what he sent her
after she broke up with him.

- She broke up with him?
- That's aggro.

- She broke up with him?
- Yeah.

She was gonna get weed for me from him.

Oh, that is not gonna happen anymore.

- How do you even study stoned?
- I don't know. I'm a genius?

- Oh, she's a genius.
- That's what we were missing.

It doesn't mess anything
up, so just let me...

- You do you, girl.
- You live your life.

I need to pick up my
cousin from her youth group thing,

- so I gotta go.
- I gotta go too. I'll walk with you.

- Okay, sounds good. Bye, girl.
- All: Bye!

Why does Chantal have that picture?

I was wondering the same thing.
She's keeping that dick pic.


- It's okay, I guess.
- You don't know anything.

Go pick whatever you want, okay?

- And get me a drink, yeah?
- Yeah!

You can choose.

Um, can I have a pack of
those guys over there?

- Can I see your ID?
- Yeah.

You need to be 21 to buy cigarettes.

Really? Oh, well, I'm from Texas.

You only have to be 18 there, so...

Can you make an exception for
me just this once, please?

- You don't look that tall.
- I am that tall.

- But you don't look that!
- The half is very important.

I am five-three and a half.

Well, well, you may be five-three, but...

- No, I don't think so.
- Baba!





I have a lot of work, though.
My biology professor hates us.


- You can handle it.
- How were your classes?

Same as always. It looks
like my students hate me.

- I got a 98 on my Mandarin.
- Very good. Very good.


Eesha: I'm sorry. I got busy earlier,

and then I had to pick up
Nasim from the masjid, so I'm sorry.

Yeah, we're walking up the
stairs with him right now.


Faruq khaloo says hi.

There's this fish lab I need
a little bit of help on.

I'll help you with the fish lab.

- Sorry.
- What's that smell, baba?

That smell? _ Okay?

Every time you get that
smell, you walk the other way.

Well, I smell it in the
hallway all the time.

So good, now you know...



Just pass it over.

- Beta, you can remove the head
thing. We're home. - I like it, though.




We talked, like,
God, twice already today.

She really needs something
better to do with her time.


It's a matter of adjustment.

I'm sure we'll be the same
when Nasim goes to college.

Maybe I can go to Texas A&M
and live with Khaloo and Khala?

Oh, they'd actually love that.
You'd be their dream daughter, Nasim.




Oh, so does that mean you're gonna
actually let her live in the dorms?

This is all a little
bit too far off, huh?

- Let's just enjoy the tacos. - Can we
have pasanday gosht? Like naanni's?


Eesha : Nasim.

Nasim, are you awake?


I was with friends who smoke,
kahloojee. It wasn't me.

Can we just please
agree that I'm not stupid?

Don't worry, I'm not going
to tell your mother.





But don't bring that filthy
shit around my kids or in my house.

Man : Dealing with
Heidi. How was the club?

- I did "Hot in Here."
- You didn't!

- Woman: I did.
- Man: Talent show style?

It's not over yet.


Good night, gundai.


He's so ridiculous.

Are you going to be up for a while?

I'm probably gonna be
up for a couple more hours.

Can you turn off the
lights before you go to bed?

- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.






- Okay. - Are you sure you
don't want to come with us?

They're offering
them at the student union,

so I'm gonna get 'em there
'cause I have a lot of work to do.



- Or else you're gonna burn out.
- I will.

But first can you help
me with this please?

Yeah, of course.

Don't forget you said you'd
make pasanday gosht tonight!

Okay, Nasim. I'll see.
Let me put my shoes on.

Okay. Mohammed! Zishan!


Fight Zone. You guys want some help?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure. Yeah, no problem.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Oh, here we go.

- - Wow. I really
thought I was much stronger...

than I actually
am. Watch out, boys.

Ah! There you go.

- Thank you.
- No problem. Have a good one.

I started defrosting some lamb. Can
you take it out of the refrigerator,

- and we can put it in the rice?
- Okay.

- Hey, what's up?
- Woman: Come in. He's here.

The Guy: Thank you.

Oh, my God.



Hey, um, can I buy some?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

Um, I mean, I live right
there. I can smell it.


Did I see you downstairs
with your mom just now?

- Yeah, that's my aunt.
- Okay.

Um, sorry. No, I can't.

Come on, dude! What's
the deal? I have money.

- I don't sell to kids, man.
- I'm not a kid. I'm in college.

- Well, get weed at college then.
- I can't.

It's complicated. I lost my connect.

I get it, but I have this
system where people give me

a referral of other people, and
that's how you get weed from me.

So I'm sorry, I can't help you today.

- I can't go bending the rules.
- Okay.

Maybe ask your neighbors?

Eesha! What are you doing?

- My mom's home. She's looking
for you. - What time is it?

- 4:30.
- Shit!


Kunza: It would have tasted
better if there was lamb in it.


Yes, but we also have a niece who
can't follow simple directions.

Khala, I'm sorry. I forgot.

You okay, beta? You look a little tired.

Yeah, I'm okay. I've just had
a long week. I'll be fine.

- Maybe you shouldn't go to Rabia's
tonight. - No, seriously. I'm fine.

Oh man.




Your ami is trying to
get in touch with you.

I'm sorry, I left my phone.

You left something on the roof.


Man: So the ultrasound
showed no signs of cancer,

but you did test positive for chlamydia,

so that's likely what's
causing your discomfort.

Now, on the plus side, chlamydia
is very treatable.

I'm gonna write you a
prescription for doxycycline.

You're going to need to
refrain from sex for at least one week

until both you and your
partner are treated, all right?


God! Nobody's answering their
phone or their emails this week.

- I'm still waiting for a
response from guess who? - Hmm?

- Miwa.
- Ugh, Miwa.

Well, you know, maybe she
took off for the long weekend

and got into a robbery at
the convenience store.

911? This is Miwa. I'm at the Wawa.

How do you know about Wawa?

The Wawa? There's a Wawa near where, uh,

Becky's parents have their lake house.

- Okay. Okay. Yes.
- Wawa.

I've been working on
that Miwa-Wawa gag for ages.

Didn't think that would get a laugh.

A bit of niche, regional humor.
Are you not entertained?

I am very entertained by you.

Oh, if you guys don't have
any plans this weekend,

you should come by
Leo's birthday party Saturday.

- Oh! That'd be great.
- Yeah? Uh, no pressure.

- Yeah. Is it a late one? Should
we get us a sitter? - Oh, yeah.

- Definitely get a sitter. - Um, well,
let me check in with the boss.

See if she's made any
plans that I don't know about.

It's a Moroccan theme. So, if you want,
you can dress in that, you know, style.

Oh, hello! You could have opened
with that. I'm all over that.

A-ha, speak of the devil.

Hi, honey.

Hey, are you with, uh, Colon right now?

- It's Colin.
- Leo: Well, there's only one L.

Okay. Yeah, you're good at spelling.

Can you ask him if the weed
guy that we all use also has E?

Yeah. Oh, hey. Um, he wants to know,

do you if the, uh, weed guy sells E?

I... hmm... I
think he's just a weed guy.

Oh, he thinks he's just a weed guy.

Oh, no, man. I haven't
sold E since college,

but, uh, I sell mushrooms. They're fun.

I'm doing them tomorrow
for my birthday actually.

Uh, I don't think we're
really a 'shrooms crowd.

Oh, did you hear
that? It's his birthday too.

- A couple of Scorpios.
- Oh, really?

- What year? Whoa.
- Uh, '84.

Holy shit! You're a baby.

- Oh, no. I don't think so.
- This is really quite the beard.

- Can I grab it?
- Uh...

Uh, well, yeah. Go for it.

It feels like pubic hair.

Y... yeah, I guess it does. Thanks.

- Is that weird?
- No, it's not weird.

I was actually thinking, yeah, that
is what my pubic hair feels like, so...

Was that weird? I just ate a
pot cookie about an hour ago,

so I think it's kicking in,
if I can be honest.

My... Weed nuts. Thoughts?

Um, you know, I actually
don't do a lot of cooking,

but the main rule with
edibles is just don't eat too much.

Hey, if you get off work early
tomorrow and you don't have any plans,

you should come by and
celebrate your birthday with us.

Oh, that's very nice.
Thank you. Yeah, maybe...

Yeah. Bring your wife.

Oh, yeah. Um, yeah.

Maybe I will. I work
till, like, 11:30 usually, so...

That's okay. We go late.


Well, then have a good
time. Maybe I'll see you.

- Don't eat too many nuts.
- Got it.

Happy birthday. Later,
guys! Thanks for the invite.

Same to you.

What the fuck, Gi? Why did you do that?

- What? - He doesn't want to
hang with us on his birthday.

- Oh, you don't know that. - Well, you
have to think about everybody else.

They don't know him.
He... We don't know him.

Nobody knows Colin and
Becky. They're coming.

What? Why the fuck...

- ...did you invite them to
my birthday? - Oh, God, Leo.

Leo, Colin is actually my friend.

I know that, and I am cool with that,

but I just think you should ask me...

What the fuck is your problem?

Gigi: Jesus Christ. Then change.

I mean, don't dress up. Dress
up. Wear normal clothes.

Who the fuck cares, Leo?

I'm not going to be some
contrary asshole in street wear

- just because it's my birthday.
- Street wear?

You think you're not an asshole
when it's not your birthday?

- Nice double negative.
- Yeah, nice shitty attitude.

Don't you do this! This
is so fucked right now!

Fuck it. I... Goddamn
it. I'm gonna cancel.

I'm gonna email everybody,
and I'm gonna tell them

it's over, that we're sick.
I wouldn't be wrong, would I?

Yeah. Oh, now you want to
tell people we've got the clap?

The clap is gonorrhea.
Get your shit straight.

Well, I'm glad I spent
$150 on this fucking cake then,

in addition to everything
else you see laid

- before you.
- I didn't ask you to do anything.

Would it kill you to
notice my throw pillows?

Excuse me for living
halfway to a hundred.

- Oh, okay.
- You know what?

Who... Fifteen minutes early to a party?

Who fucking does this? I hate this.

- Hello? - Colin:
Hey! It's Colin and Becky!

- Sorry we're a bit early.
- Oh, that's okay! Come on up!

I'm changing into pants!

Man: No, I'm telling you,

if you had told me ten years ago

that a one bedroom shithole
in Greenpoint

would go for two million
dollars, I would have, you know,

I would have bought a
couple of one bedroom shitholes

- in Greenpoint, you know?
- You were smart to buy

- what you did when you did.
- Can we stop talking about real estate?

- It is seriously so boring.
- I know no one wants to talk about it,

- but he's on the spectrum, right?
- Nobody wants to say anything.

- Okay, right. - But why don't
they just get him tested?

They're afraid of the results.

I'm just worried about my daughter.

Wish she'd stop wetting the fucking bed.

She's in the fifth fucking grade.

- Oh, that's a beautiful tunic.
- It's a jalaba.

- Oh!
- I got it in Morocco last winter.

I'm dying to go to Morocco, but
every time we get a break,

- we have to go visit Colin's family.
- It's great.

- Mm.
- They have amazing textiles.

- Yeah, I know.
- I went nuts buying fabric.

Why don't you get Rachel
Comey to send you over there?

Oh, well, I wish she would, but I think

it's more likely she's
gonna send me to LA.

- We're opening a store.
- Oh, no, no, no. That's not fun.

Well, I kind of like LA. I've
lived here my whole life,

- so at some point...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not taking my Colin way
from me. We just got financing!

Well, uh... I was just telling
her about LA. Just a nascent idea.

It's not. Can I, um, top anyone off?

- I'm good.
- I love this.

- Oh, this? Thank you.
- God.

- You know where I got this?
- Where?

You know where we were scouting
the other day, off Atlantic?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, I went back there.

- You didn't go back.
- Mm-hm. It was awesome.

And, uh, then I made the gross mistake

of going downstairs and
having that Yemenite food

- that you said looked dodgy.
- No, you didn't.

- I had food poisoning for what,
like, two days? - Two days, yeah.

Fuck! I hoped you stiffed
them on the tip.

In Boulder, we go out to the movies,

and then afterwards, we go
out to, like, a pot club.

You just fill a pint
glass with weed smoke,

- and you do it like a beer.
- What?

- Amazing.
- That's un-fucking-believable.

- Colin: Totally.
- Gigi: Thank God. At least that.

I am gonna stiff
you on that tip.

Do not want to present that one...

- Who's that, honey?
- Gigi: I think that's the belly dancer.

You got a dancer? You're too much, Gigi.

You should see the cake! That
photo! Oh, my God, it's hysterical.

- How do you come up with
this stuff? - She's a producer.

That's what she... Holy shit.

You sure it's not the weed guy
taking us up on your invitation?

Wait, you guys invited him?
Oh, I think he's so sexy.

Please tell me I'm not the
only one who thinks that?

He totally looks like
a young John Malkovich.

- Like, like, the, the...
"The Killing Fields." - Yes!


Get down. I missed my calling.

There he is. Great party,
man. Thanks for having us.

- Having a good time?
- Yeah, great. Thank you.

Although I am pretty fucking baked.

I've been eating these
almonds all day long.

Back they go.

Is it sexual?

- Sorry, what?
- The women's clothes.

- Does it get you off sexually?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, it's... it's more
of how I express myself.

I've been like this
since I can remember.


Do you happen to have chlamydia?

Sorry, what?

Oh, I'm not trying to
start shit with you.

It'd just be really
helpful to know if you've had

- unprotected sex with Gigi.
- What? N... no!

- Did you happen to
have protected sex? - No!

- You're sure?
- Yes! Sorry.

Um, where is this coming from?

Never mind.

Cheers. Cheers.

Hey, can you take a quick break?

- No!
- What?

- Man: Boo!
- Woman: Leo!

Hey. Hold on a second.
Guys. Hold on, everybody.

I just... I just... We
need to talk for a quick second.


So it seems that some us

in this room have been
a little sloppy lately.

Man: Oh, yeah! I'm the one!

- Sloppy! Sloppy!
- Leo: Guys, please.

This is really shitty, um...

I'm just gonna say it.

Uh, I just tested
positive for chlamydia,

and we are not proud of it.

And it was killing us to
keep it from you guys.

- Um, okay, uh...
- Woman: What?

We've been fucking around
with other people for a while now.

And we just think you
should all get tested,

and, you know, suffice it to say,
we probably shouldn't play tonight.

What? This is... This is fucked up!

Man: It doesn't make any sense!

Why wouldn't you get tested earlier?

It's not like you guys!

I think it was those two
backpackers, you know,

the Brazilian backpackers,
they were, they seemed...

Are you trying to trick
me into a threesome?

- No!
- I would've mentioned that!

How many backpackers did you...

- Backpackers are dirty.
- They're dirty, dirty, dirty.

And you tell everyone at the party
that maybe they have chlamydia?

- Is that like the party gift?
- You can't just leave!

Yes, I can! Put Grandma on the phone.

Honey, why won't you go
to sleep? I'm at work.

Sorry, excuse me. Do you
mind if I just get my coat?

There's still other stuff
we can do, right?

We can still do some heavy petting.

We can do juj... Oh!
Look! Got my new tassels!

Deb, we didn't haul our asses
to Brooklyn for some dry humping

and some fucking stale pita chips.

- Fuck you guys.
- Deb: Mike!

Were you just
planning on not telling us?

Honestly, you know, I thought
if we all already had it

that we could play, you
know, and then we could tomorrow

start taking antibiotics
and get better together.

- Wow. - Get better together?
Are you fucking serious, Leo?

Hey, that is so irresponsible. And
that's not how it works, you idiot.

Oh, come on. Relax. You know, listen.

There is some logic to
what he's saying. I mean...

- What are you talking about?
- I wouldn't get carried away,

but there is some sense to it.

Okay. You know what? Maybe we're
just the first to realize it.

But how... how do you all know
that we didn't get it from you guys?

- Oh, I can tell you why.
You know why? - No, no.

Because Deb and I, we follow the rules.

- Rule followers. Rule followers.
- Right?

We follow the fucking rules!

All right, if we're fucking
being honest here.

When... before Steve and I split up,

and we said we were going to put
his mother in a home in Madison,

we actually went to Vieques and
we played with another group.

- Renee!
- Wow.

- I knew it! You were too tan!
- You were too tan for winter!

I know! I fucking just had to say it.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! You knew?
- I had to tell someone.

I pride myself on being a
very discrete person. Okay?

If... if a friend asks
me to keep a secret,

- I have to honor that!
- Wait, that is fucked up!

- You see this?
- How is that fucked up?

- Come on! - Look, we were
trying to save our marriage

and, you know, we used protection,

for the most part, we were pretty drunk.

I feel like, you know, I'm
feeling really shitty about it.

It just proves that no one is perfect.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Who the fuck are you all? Huh?

- Oh, it's chlamydia.
- I don't even know you anymore.

- You take a Z-Pak, you're fine.
- I feel... I feel so betrayed.

- It's like a fucking opera.
- No! I'm sorry, Deb. It's true.

I bought you a cock ring for
your birthday, motherfucker.

- Happy birthday. - Hey, look. Maybe
this is just a wake-up call,

and we just need to set
new boundaries, okay?

Is that why you invited
Victor/Victoria to our party?

- Woman: Whoa.
- Don't call him that!

- Deb: It's not nice!
- He's wearing a dress.

No one's actually fucking out there.

No, but it sounds like they're about to.

- Colin? Becky?
- Can I get your Wi-Fi?

Sorry. We'll just be one sec.

Woman: I thought people liked tapping.

Tapping would be great. Slapping is a

- little excessive.
- It's a little harsh, right?

- You know, it's just a sensitive
body part. - I don't do that!

You do do it. You do.

There's our tight-ass fucking neighbor

right on fucking schedule.

Guys, please keep your voices down.

I thought we were going to a fucking
party, not an asshat convention.

- I need to talk to your husband!
- It's not a good time.

- We're entertaining right now.
- No, no!

Listen! The music is not even on!

Not about the music! You people
bring drugs into the building!

- What? What are you talking
about? - I show you now.

Here. This. This.

Sorry, thanks for the great party.

Sitter emergency. Sorry. Hi.

This is pot! This isn't drugs.