High Fidelity (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Fun Rob - full transcript
[sighs]
‐ Ever have one of those days
you wish never even started?
♪ funky soul music playing ♪
[doorbell tinkles]
[Cherise yawns]
‐ Don't start
‐ Ladies and gentlemen, she has arrived.
‐ You know what, Rob?
You're already enough of an asshole
without all the sarcasm.
I personally advise against it.
‐ Well, I would advise
not showing up three hours late
and then talkin' smack to your employer.
‐ Ooh, talkin' smack, Robyn?
I bet you feel extra black today.
‐ [exhales deeply]
This bitch.
‐ Hey, you created this monster.
Now we're all just dealing
with it together.
‐ Yo, Cherise.
‐ Yes, madam.
‐ If you're late
one more time, you're fired.
‐ What?
[sighs]
‐ Ready to close up?
‐ Yeah.
She still mad?
‐ Are you still mad?
‐ I was never mad.
I'm fuckin' fine, dude.
‐ Yeah. Okay.
Um... so, Blake and I are gonna go
to DeSalle's later.
See Demon Dolphin.
There's tickets left if you wanna come?
‐ No. I'm good, thank you.
‐ Okay. Well, you wanna go
for a drink before?
‐ Uh, no. Not really.
‐ Yo, you know what I miss?
Fun Rob.
Fun Rob went to shows.
Fun Rob went out for drinks.
Fun Rob was fun.
This Rob, this new Rob,
the fucking worst.
‐ Do you wanna come
to the show, Fun Cherise?
‐ Ah, nah, I got plans, but I could
definitely get a drink with you, though.
‐ Come on, Rob, just one drink.
‐ You can't just go out for one drink?
‐ Fine.
Fun Rob.
♪
♪ El Freaky Colectivo's La Pongo playing ♪
MAN: Just call me
when you get there, all right?
WOMAN: I'll be all right.
‐ I'm fuckin' fun.
I've just been thinking about life,
you know what I mean?
And it's just‐‐
[sighs]
It's so fuckin' intense, man.
It's like, at what point
do you stop looking forward
and start looking backwards?
‐ You motherfucker!
‐ Shit.
‐ Oh, fuck, I forgot.
‐ Don't.
SIMON: No, it's‐‐ fuck, it's today.
‐ Here's my thing.
At what point did young Elvis
become old Elvis?
You know what I'm saying?
‐ It's Rob's fuckin' birthday!
‐ Oh, shit. Wait a‐‐
‐ Okay, so maybe my birthday has
a teeny‐tiny little bit to do with it.
‐ You was going to not tell us and have us
sittin' here looking like assholes?
What was the plan?
‐ No.
I am under no social obligation
to make a big deal out
of my stupid fuckin' birthday, okay?
‐ Yeah, but we are.
‐ Come on, man. If you'd have told me
ahead of time,
I could maybe cancel my shit.
‐ You guys, chill.
I'm good. I have plans.
‐ What are your plans?
SIMON: Do tell.
‐ I'm gonna buy
an expensive‐ish bottle of champagne
and then I'm gonna order
a shit ton of Indian food.
And then I'm finally gonna start watching
The Sopranos.
‐ And yet again, we're still talking
about The Sopranos.
Like, just watch the shit!
‐ I'm just‐‐
‐ Okay, okay, okay,
here's to The Notorious R‐O‐B.
And to your date with Tony Soprano.
‐ Yes.
‐ L'Chaim.
[slams glass]
♪ theme song to The Sopranos playing ♪
[message notification ringing]
‐ Shit.
‐ Happy birthday to my bootiful baby girl!
‐ Hi, Mom.
‐ Everyone, say happy birthday to Rob.
‐ Jesus, Mom, I'm in the tub.
ALL:
Happy birthday, Rob.
‐ Hi, everyone.
‐ So, what are your big plans?
‐ I'm having a very
age‐appropriate night in.
‐ I want you to go out and have fun.
‐ This is fun.
That's why I'm choosing to do it.
‐ Have you heard from,
have you heard from your brother?
‐ Yeah, I just heard him and Nikki were
going on something called a "baby moon."
‐ Yes!
Is that not adorable?
‐ I hung up on him.
‐ Robyn.
‐ What?
‐ Hey, hey, I have an idea.
ROB: Hmm.
‐ Why don't you get on Metro‐North
and just come to our party?
‐ Definitely not.
‐ Okay, okay.
So you're just gonna stay in?
‐ Yes. I'm gonna stay in.
I'm gonna eat just Indian food.
I'm gonna watch The Sopranos.
‐ Hey, happy birthday, Rob.
‐ Hi, Uncle Marty.
‐ Yes, Sopranos. Uh... where are you?
I don't see you.
What's that? A toilet?
‐ Yep, it's a toilet.
‐ So, The Sopranos, huh?
How about when Big Pussy turns rat
and Tony fuckin' whacks him?
‐ Yeah, I haven't gotten there yet.
I'm on the first episode.
‐ You don't watch The Sopranos?
ROB: I'm, I'm starting‐‐
‐ All right, look, look,
Mom, Mom says for you to go out
and have some fun.
‐ All right. Sounds good. Fun!
‐ Love you, Rob. Happy birthday.
‐ All right, love you, too!
‐ All right, get out of the house,
get out of the tub,
get out of the house, smoke a little pot,
have a little sex‐‐
‐ Mom!
‐ I love you so much.
I wish you were here.
ROB: All right.
‐ Bye, sweetie.
ROB:
Okay, love you, too.
‐ Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
‐ Happy birthday.
[splashing]
‐ Great.
I would obviously never tell her this,
but there might be
an ever‐so‐slight possibility
that my mother is right.
Okay.
Simon's on a date.
Cherise is... somewhere.
Pretty sure Clyde hates me.
So...
who wants to party?
Yo! What up, homie!
It's Rob.
Ro‐‐ Robyn.
Brooks.
Hey, Tim, what's up? It's Rob.
From camp.
What up, Brian?
♪ I don't wanna, I don't wanna,
I don't wanna, oi ♪
So yeah, um, it's my birthday and‐‐
It's my birthday‐‐
So it's my birthday,
and I'm thinkin' we go out to‐‐
Yeah, tonight.
As in, tonight.
Yeah, as in, as in now.
Uh, no, this is not a booty call.
It's 9:30.
Cool, when'd you, uh,
when'd you get married?
Although I might be calling you later
because it's my birthday,
and I might get crazy!
Oh, shit!
Portland, huh?
Oh, uh, ketamine?
Oh, shit, were you sleeping?
Mushrooms?
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I'd be down to,
I'd be down to buy some mushrooms.
[line ringing]
Don't pick up, don't pick up‐‐
GIRL: Hello.
‐ Hey, Tanya.
TANYA: Is that you, Robyn?
‐ It's Rob.
‐ Shut up!
‐ Yeah, I know, I know.
It's really me.
‐ [screaming] Oh, my God! Robyn!
How are you doing?
‐ I know. Yeah.
Well, it's my birthday.
‐ Shut up.
‐ And I was just wondering
if you wanted to‐‐
‐ Let's go out.
Are you here? Let's go out.
‐ Uh, cool.
‐ We'll go to my bar!
‐ Where is that again?
So, you know when you get a bag of chips,
those bits at the bottom
that you eat as a last resort
when all the good chips are gone?
‐ Happy birthday, biotch!
‐ Welcome to the bottom of the chip bag.
‐ I'm so happy you called.
I missed you so much.
‐ Tanya was my first roommate in the city.
We met on Craigslist, so... you get it.
‐ Okay, Birthday Girl
does not wait in line.
‐ Oh.
‐ Just 'cause mama had a baby
does not mean
she can't still bring the VIP partay.
‐ Wait, you had a baby?
Hey, I have another friend who's coming.
Do you, do you think
he'll be able to get in?
‐ Oh, my God, totes.
Have him say Tanya at the door.
‐ Cool.
‐ Thank you.
‐ So you come here a lot?
‐ It's my spot.
Well, not recently.
I haven't left the house in months.
‐ Oh!
‐ We're gonna fucking rage tonight, babe!
‐ Yeah.
Fun Rob!
‐ So tell me everything.
Who are you seeing, ignoring, fucking?
Seriously, how have you been?
‐ How have I been?
My life's a fuckin' disast‐‐
Good!
Really, really, really good.
How are you?
‐ Yeah.
Yeah, my life's really glamorous.
I breast feed, I breast pump,
I breast feed, I breast pump, I breast‐‐
‐ I'm gonna just stop and talk
about Tanya's tits for a second.
When I knew Tanya before,
she‐‐ they weren't like that.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool.
‐ Hey, real talk.
‐ Yeah.
‐ How do I look?
‐ You look amazing.
‐ For real?
‐ Yeah. Your tits are like‐‐
‐ Enormous.
‐ I know, they're enormous.
Tig ol' bitties.
‐ I had to lay flat on the bed
while my husband zipped me up.
Being a woman is bullshit.
‐ Totally.
‐ Oh, my God.
‐ What?
What? What?
What's happening?
What's going on?
‐ It's this guy. We hooked up
like a million years ago,
and he was totally obsessed with me.
‐ Oh, shit.
‐ Awful.
‐ God, he looks so crusty.
‐ He's there now?
‐ Don't turn around.
Don't turn around!
‐ I'm gonna turn around just a little bit.
I'll be chill. I'll be chill.
[clears throat]
MAN: Hey, Rob.
‐ Oh shit, Squid?
‐ You know that guy?
‐ Yeah, he's my friend.
He came to meet us here.
‐ Seriously?
‐ Yeah.
Squid used to be in this amazing,
shitty punk band back in the day.
He tried to hit on me at a show.
I was like, nah.
We've been buds ever since.
You guys hooked up?
‐ Yeah.
Way back.
SQUID: Birthday girl!
‐ Hey, buddy, how you doing?
‐ I'm okay. I'm okay.
‐ Hello.
‐ Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Squid.
‐ Tanya.
‐ Tanya.
You look familiar.
Tanya.
So, another trip around the sun, huh?
‐ Yup, yup, you know?
It's a, it's a wild ride, my dude.
‐ Okay, I'm gonna go check on the table!
‐ Hey, was it me or was I gettin'
like a vibe from your friend?
‐ There's a vibe, for sure‐‐
[cell phone buzzing]
Oh, one second.
‐ Am I crazy or I feel like‐‐
‐ No, there's a vibe.
There's totally a vibe.
‐ Hey, good vibe?
‐ A vibe. Uh, just one second.
‐ Okay.
‐ Hey, what's up?
CLYDE [on phone]:
Hey!
I was actually, I'm just calling
'cause I, I wanted to see,
um, if you want to‐‐
like, meet up and get a drink or just
uh, talk 'cause I felt, uh, bad,
about how I left the other night‐‐
‐ [shouts] What?
‐ [shouts] I felt, I felt bad
about how we left it the other night.
‐ Oh, yeah. Me, too. Me, too.
‐ Uh, are you, are you busy?
‐ Uh, no, I'm just,
I'm grabbing some birthday drinks
with some friends, so‐‐
‐ Oh, shit, um‐‐
Yeah, hey, happy birthday. That's great.
‐ Thank you.
‐ Are you having fun?
‐ Tons. Yeah.
CLYDE:
Yeah, cool. That's‐‐ Yeah, that's sick.
Uh, I‐‐ Sorry. What am I doing?
It's your birthday. Go, go have fun.
I, I'll catch you later.
‐ No, no, no, no, no,
let's, let's grab a drink.
Let's hang out. I'm not gonna stay here
very long, so‐‐
‐ Yeah, cool. All right, yeah.
‐ Okay, cool.
CLYDE: Um, I'm in your hood.
‐ What?
‐ I feel like an idiot yelling.
I'm, uh, I'm in your hood.
I'm gonna be at the gym
for, like, another hour so‐‐
‐ Okay, cool. I'll text you
when I leave here.
Stay in the hood.
‐ Yeah, great. Okay.
‐ All right, cool.
CLYDE: Later.
Dude.
The fuck? Dude. Bye.
‐ All right. Bye.
‐ Hey, guys! How we doing?
BOTH: Great!
WAITRESS: Here you go, guys.
‐ Birthday shots!
‐ Oh, birthday shots!
‐ Hey, none for me. None for me.
‐ No, you have to.
‐ Come on. Birthday shots. They're fun.
SQUID: I'm three years sober.
No, I'm actually
three years sober next month.
‐ That's great.
‐ That's awesome, man.
Good for you. Seriously.
‐ It is great. Thank you.
You know, now I can remember
where I was every night
or who I was with.
You know, when I was drinking,
I made a lot of bad decisions.
TANYA/ROB: What?
‐ I made a lot of bad decisions
when I was drinking.
TANYA: Cheers!
‐ Here's to good old friends.
And a little for the homies.
‐ Aah! Oh, my God, you guys.
Wait. This is my baby Asher
who has fallen asleep with her mouth open
right under her daddy's
hairy‐assed nipple!
Doesn't it totally look like
she's breast‐feeding?
‐ Totally.
‐ Oh, my God, that is hilarious.
‐ All right, here is a PSA
for everyone that has kids.
No one cares.
Squid! What's up, man?
How you livin'? How you doin'?
‐ Well, you know, thank you
for asking that, actually.
For a long time, it wasn't good at all.
It wasn't good.
‐ I'm sorry to hear that.
‐ Have you ever heard of this program
called Alcoholics Anonymous?
‐ Yeah.
‐ I'm in that program now.
‐ You guys, this is a video
of my baby Asher
and her first day in the snow.
‐ Babies! Babies!
‐ Aw, man, it's super‐‐
‐ Cute!
This is the best part.
‐ Oh, yeah.
‐ Can you see what she's doing?
She's shitting her pants.
‐ Babies shittin' in the snow!
TANYA:
She shits all the time.
Seriously, it's the worst.
♪ Happy birthday ♪
‐ Oh, god, you guys.
Aw, all right.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[laughter]
♪ Happy birthday, dear Jessica ♪
‐ Happy birthday, Jessica.
You're the winner.
‐ Best birthday ever.
WOMAN:
Best birthday ever!
[women cheering]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
‐ You don't have to do that. It's fine.
‐ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
‐ You don't have to do that.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Rob ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
‐ Whoo!
‐ Thirty!
‐ You're 30!
‐ Thirty!
Fuckin' Fun Rob's fuckin' 30.
‐ This is your 30th birthday?
‐ Yes.
‐ With just us?
‐ Yeah.
‐ There should be more people here!
‐ No, yeah, I, I get it. I get it too.
I get it.
‐ Later, Tanya.
‐ 'Sup, Squid.
‐ See ya.
MAN: Happy birthday.
‐ Yup.
[loud music, party chatter]
CHERISE: Here you go. Thank you.
MAN: Thank you.
♪ Frank Ocean's Nikes playing ♪
♪
♪ These bitches want Nikes ♪
♪ They looking for a check ♪
♪ Tell 'em it ain't likely ♪
♪ Said she need a ring like Carmelo ♪
[cell phone ringing]
‐ Hello.
MAC [on phone]: Oh, hey.
‐ Hi.
MAC: I thought I was gonna get
your voicemail.
‐ Oh, I can, uh, hang up if you want.
You can call back.
‐ [Mac chuckles]
I just, uh,
just wanted to say happy birthday.
‐ Thank you.
MAC: Where are you?
‐ Uh... just on my way home.
MAC: Oh, really?
I thought you'd be at a gig or something.
‐ Ah, man, I'm, uh,
too old for that shit now.
MAC: Mm‐hmm.
Do you, uh... do you wanna hang out
at the Allied for a bit?
‐ What, is Lily out of town or something?
MAC: Actually, yeah, she is.
‐ Oh‐‐
MAC: No, nothing weird, I just‐‐
Just‐‐
Let me buy you a birthday drink.
‐ Okay.
MAC: Yeah?
‐ Yeah.
MAC: Okay. Cool.
I'll be there in half an hour.
‐ Okay. See you soon.
‐ Hi.
‐ How's it going?
‐ It's good.
What, uh... what you got there?
‐ Pepperoni, crushed reds.
I got you.
Shall we?
‐ We shall.
Mmm!
MAC: Mm‐mm‐mm.
I've been waiting for this moment
since I've been back.
‐ Oh, yeah?
‐ Mm‐hmm?
New York pizza, man.
Mwah. The best.
‐ Yeah.
Yeah.
What is this, Juliana's?
‐ What, you think
I'm gonna buy Grimaldi's?
‐ Out of respect
for the birthday girl, yes.
Come on, man.
‐ You're lucky you got anything at all.
You know what this moment's missing?
‐ Hmm?
♪ The Roots You Got Me
playing on speakers ♪
♪ If you were worried 'bout where ♪
♪ I been or who I saw or ♪
ROB: Hmm.
MAC: Mm‐hmm.
♪ What club I went to with my homies ♪
♪ Baby, don't worry,
you know that you got me ♪
♪ If you were worried 'bout where ♪
♪ I been or who I saw or ♪
♪ What club I went to with my homies ♪
♪ Baby, don't worry,
you know that you got me ♪
♪ Somebody told me that
this planet was small ♪
♪ We used to live in the same building ♪
♪ On the same floor and never met before ♪
♪ Until I'm overseas on tour ♪
‐ So...
how's the wedding planning?
‐ It's a lot.
Lily's like‐‐ Well, you met her.
She goes with the flow
like she's getting paid for it.
‐ [Rob chuckles]
Yep. She is a cheerful little stone
in a roaring river.
For sure.
‐ But still, you know,
there's all this... stuff.
There's all this stuff that everybody
wants to be just perfect and‐‐
‐ Jesus.
‐ Yeah.
‐ And...
how does that make you feel?
[Rob giggles]
‐ Uhh‐‐
Truth?
‐ Truth.
‐ A little nervy,
if I'm honest.
‐ That's... that's normal, right?
To get cold feet?
‐ I didn't.
Not with you.
Um‐‐
You know, I think
what's really freaking me out is,
what if I fuck it up again?
What if I drive her away and
misread her feelings
and then bail out again
when it gets too hard?
Ahh!
♪ I can trust you? ♪
♪ Is you crazy? You my king for real ♪
♪ But sometimes relationships get ill ♪
♪ No doubt ♪
♪ If you were worried 'bout where ♪
♪ I been or who I saw or ♪
‐ It wasn't your fault, Mac.
I slept with someone else
while we were together.
‐ What?
When?
When?
‐ The night we got engaged.
‐ Ohh!
Jesus fuckin' Christ, Rob.
‐ Um‐‐
‐ Jesus fuckin' Christ.
‐ Fuck. Fuck.
Mac, can we just talk for‐‐
MAC: Rob, please.
Just leave me alone, all right.
[door opens]
Please.
[door closes]
‐ Mac.
Mac, wait. Just stop!
‐ What?
‐ Just stop for a second.
‐ What?
‐ Look, it was
a one‐time thing, all right?
‐ A one‐time thing!
‐ I was freaking out.
‐ Rob, you fucked someone else
the night we got engaged.
You fuckin' slept with someone else.
Do you know how crazy that is?
‐ I know that it's fucked up. I was‐‐
‐ Have you lost your mind?
‐ I was fucked up.
‐ Do you know how fuckin' selfish
you've gotta be
to do that the night
we fuckin' got engaged, Rob.
You slept with someone else.
‐ I wasn't ready.
I wasn't fucking ready!
‐ You're telling me this now.
You're telling me this now.
Rob, I'm getting fucking married
in about two weeks!
‐ Yeah, I know
you're getting fucking married!
‐ Rob,
you are one of the most
selfish fucking people
I have ever met,
I swear to fucking God, I‐‐
That whole time.
That whole fuckin' time you just left me
spinning out on my own
like I was fuckin' going crazy.
I thought you'd fallen
out of love with me, Rob.
I thought you'd fallen
out of love with me.
I didn't know what the fuck had happened.
That whole time.
I was, I was trying to think about
what the fuck I'd done wrong.
‐ You didn't do anything wrong‐‐
‐ Yes, I know I didn't fuckin' do
anything wrong.
You did. You fucked someone else.
No me, all right?
[Rob crying]
It was you‐‐
You know, Rob, I‐‐
I can't right now. I, I'm‐‐
I can't right now.
[bag clatters]
[sobbing]
[indiscernible chatter]
‐ All right, hear me out.
Did I cheat on Mac?
Yes.
Did I crawl into bed with him afterwards?
Yes.
Did I get engaged
thinking it would erase everything?
[sighs]
Yes.
I pushed him away and pushed him away
and pushed him away,
until he had no choice but to go away.
I'm a fuckin' asshole.
‐ Oh! Fun Rob!
Hey!
‐ Hi, buddy.
‐ Hi... this is Blake.
‐ Hi, Blake.
I'm Rob. I'm Fun Rob.
‐ Oh, my God, am I finally meeting
the infamous Rob?
You drinking alone?
‐ Oh, no. I had a, I just had
a friend here, but they left.
But we had a really good time.
‐ Do you mind if I buy you
a birthday drink?
‐ Yes, you can, Blakey.
Can I call you Blakey?
‐ Yes, you can call me Blakey.
‐ Oh, he's so cute.
‐ Yeah. Are you okay?
‐ Yeah, I'm good.
Hey, question.
Did you know that Cherise is working
as a coat check girl in the city?
‐ You mean, the hotel thing?
‐ Yes!
‐ Yeah, she's been doing that
for a few weeks.
‐ Oh.
I didn't know.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Thank you.
BLAKE: Mm‐ hmm.
‐ To...
‐ Birthday!
‐ ...fun Rob, dirty 30.
‐ To fun Rob, dirty 30.
Infamous Rob.
‐ Best birthday ever!
[sighs]
Mac used to look at this photo
and tell me I looked like a sweet kid.
I'm sorry, sweet kid.
You didn't know what was coming.
You didn't know that I was gonna
turn you into this.
[sighs]
Oh, come on.
[sighs]
Sick.
[cell phone chimes]
CLYDE [on voicemail]:
Hey, it's, uh, Clyde.
I texted you a little while ago,
but I didn't hear back.
So... I guess I'm gonna head out.
But it's, um... your birthday for a while,
so happy birthday, Rob.
‐ Great.
Hey, thanks for answering.
Um, look, I'm sorry, I know
it's... late and stuff, but, um,
I locked myself out,
and I was just wondering
if you still had a set of my keys.
Okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
♪ Silk Rhodes' Pains playing ♪
♪
Ugh!
♪
[woman coughs]
♪
Ugh!
♪
♪
[keys jingling]
Hey.
Can't believe you still have my key.
‐ It's lucky for you.
‐ Lucky for me.
♪
♪
♪ Now that it's over ♪
♪ I can finally see ♪
♪ That all things must change and remain ♪
♪ Like I know you do ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ People come and go ♪
♪ There is something you should know ♪
♪ Please don't explain ♪
♪ It's the same refrain ♪
♪ Yes, it might be strange ♪
♪ Love can get changed ♪
‐ Ever have one of those days
you wish never even started?
♪ funky soul music playing ♪
[doorbell tinkles]
[Cherise yawns]
‐ Don't start
‐ Ladies and gentlemen, she has arrived.
‐ You know what, Rob?
You're already enough of an asshole
without all the sarcasm.
I personally advise against it.
‐ Well, I would advise
not showing up three hours late
and then talkin' smack to your employer.
‐ Ooh, talkin' smack, Robyn?
I bet you feel extra black today.
‐ [exhales deeply]
This bitch.
‐ Hey, you created this monster.
Now we're all just dealing
with it together.
‐ Yo, Cherise.
‐ Yes, madam.
‐ If you're late
one more time, you're fired.
‐ What?
[sighs]
‐ Ready to close up?
‐ Yeah.
She still mad?
‐ Are you still mad?
‐ I was never mad.
I'm fuckin' fine, dude.
‐ Yeah. Okay.
Um... so, Blake and I are gonna go
to DeSalle's later.
See Demon Dolphin.
There's tickets left if you wanna come?
‐ No. I'm good, thank you.
‐ Okay. Well, you wanna go
for a drink before?
‐ Uh, no. Not really.
‐ Yo, you know what I miss?
Fun Rob.
Fun Rob went to shows.
Fun Rob went out for drinks.
Fun Rob was fun.
This Rob, this new Rob,
the fucking worst.
‐ Do you wanna come
to the show, Fun Cherise?
‐ Ah, nah, I got plans, but I could
definitely get a drink with you, though.
‐ Come on, Rob, just one drink.
‐ You can't just go out for one drink?
‐ Fine.
Fun Rob.
♪
♪ El Freaky Colectivo's La Pongo playing ♪
MAN: Just call me
when you get there, all right?
WOMAN: I'll be all right.
‐ I'm fuckin' fun.
I've just been thinking about life,
you know what I mean?
And it's just‐‐
[sighs]
It's so fuckin' intense, man.
It's like, at what point
do you stop looking forward
and start looking backwards?
‐ You motherfucker!
‐ Shit.
‐ Oh, fuck, I forgot.
‐ Don't.
SIMON: No, it's‐‐ fuck, it's today.
‐ Here's my thing.
At what point did young Elvis
become old Elvis?
You know what I'm saying?
‐ It's Rob's fuckin' birthday!
‐ Oh, shit. Wait a‐‐
‐ Okay, so maybe my birthday has
a teeny‐tiny little bit to do with it.
‐ You was going to not tell us and have us
sittin' here looking like assholes?
What was the plan?
‐ No.
I am under no social obligation
to make a big deal out
of my stupid fuckin' birthday, okay?
‐ Yeah, but we are.
‐ Come on, man. If you'd have told me
ahead of time,
I could maybe cancel my shit.
‐ You guys, chill.
I'm good. I have plans.
‐ What are your plans?
SIMON: Do tell.
‐ I'm gonna buy
an expensive‐ish bottle of champagne
and then I'm gonna order
a shit ton of Indian food.
And then I'm finally gonna start watching
The Sopranos.
‐ And yet again, we're still talking
about The Sopranos.
Like, just watch the shit!
‐ I'm just‐‐
‐ Okay, okay, okay,
here's to The Notorious R‐O‐B.
And to your date with Tony Soprano.
‐ Yes.
‐ L'Chaim.
[slams glass]
♪ theme song to The Sopranos playing ♪
[message notification ringing]
‐ Shit.
‐ Happy birthday to my bootiful baby girl!
‐ Hi, Mom.
‐ Everyone, say happy birthday to Rob.
‐ Jesus, Mom, I'm in the tub.
ALL:
Happy birthday, Rob.
‐ Hi, everyone.
‐ So, what are your big plans?
‐ I'm having a very
age‐appropriate night in.
‐ I want you to go out and have fun.
‐ This is fun.
That's why I'm choosing to do it.
‐ Have you heard from,
have you heard from your brother?
‐ Yeah, I just heard him and Nikki were
going on something called a "baby moon."
‐ Yes!
Is that not adorable?
‐ I hung up on him.
‐ Robyn.
‐ What?
‐ Hey, hey, I have an idea.
ROB: Hmm.
‐ Why don't you get on Metro‐North
and just come to our party?
‐ Definitely not.
‐ Okay, okay.
So you're just gonna stay in?
‐ Yes. I'm gonna stay in.
I'm gonna eat just Indian food.
I'm gonna watch The Sopranos.
‐ Hey, happy birthday, Rob.
‐ Hi, Uncle Marty.
‐ Yes, Sopranos. Uh... where are you?
I don't see you.
What's that? A toilet?
‐ Yep, it's a toilet.
‐ So, The Sopranos, huh?
How about when Big Pussy turns rat
and Tony fuckin' whacks him?
‐ Yeah, I haven't gotten there yet.
I'm on the first episode.
‐ You don't watch The Sopranos?
ROB: I'm, I'm starting‐‐
‐ All right, look, look,
Mom, Mom says for you to go out
and have some fun.
‐ All right. Sounds good. Fun!
‐ Love you, Rob. Happy birthday.
‐ All right, love you, too!
‐ All right, get out of the house,
get out of the tub,
get out of the house, smoke a little pot,
have a little sex‐‐
‐ Mom!
‐ I love you so much.
I wish you were here.
ROB: All right.
‐ Bye, sweetie.
ROB:
Okay, love you, too.
‐ Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
‐ Happy birthday.
[splashing]
‐ Great.
I would obviously never tell her this,
but there might be
an ever‐so‐slight possibility
that my mother is right.
Okay.
Simon's on a date.
Cherise is... somewhere.
Pretty sure Clyde hates me.
So...
who wants to party?
Yo! What up, homie!
It's Rob.
Ro‐‐ Robyn.
Brooks.
Hey, Tim, what's up? It's Rob.
From camp.
What up, Brian?
♪ I don't wanna, I don't wanna,
I don't wanna, oi ♪
So yeah, um, it's my birthday and‐‐
It's my birthday‐‐
So it's my birthday,
and I'm thinkin' we go out to‐‐
Yeah, tonight.
As in, tonight.
Yeah, as in, as in now.
Uh, no, this is not a booty call.
It's 9:30.
Cool, when'd you, uh,
when'd you get married?
Although I might be calling you later
because it's my birthday,
and I might get crazy!
Oh, shit!
Portland, huh?
Oh, uh, ketamine?
Oh, shit, were you sleeping?
Mushrooms?
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I'd be down to,
I'd be down to buy some mushrooms.
[line ringing]
Don't pick up, don't pick up‐‐
GIRL: Hello.
‐ Hey, Tanya.
TANYA: Is that you, Robyn?
‐ It's Rob.
‐ Shut up!
‐ Yeah, I know, I know.
It's really me.
‐ [screaming] Oh, my God! Robyn!
How are you doing?
‐ I know. Yeah.
Well, it's my birthday.
‐ Shut up.
‐ And I was just wondering
if you wanted to‐‐
‐ Let's go out.
Are you here? Let's go out.
‐ Uh, cool.
‐ We'll go to my bar!
‐ Where is that again?
So, you know when you get a bag of chips,
those bits at the bottom
that you eat as a last resort
when all the good chips are gone?
‐ Happy birthday, biotch!
‐ Welcome to the bottom of the chip bag.
‐ I'm so happy you called.
I missed you so much.
‐ Tanya was my first roommate in the city.
We met on Craigslist, so... you get it.
‐ Okay, Birthday Girl
does not wait in line.
‐ Oh.
‐ Just 'cause mama had a baby
does not mean
she can't still bring the VIP partay.
‐ Wait, you had a baby?
Hey, I have another friend who's coming.
Do you, do you think
he'll be able to get in?
‐ Oh, my God, totes.
Have him say Tanya at the door.
‐ Cool.
‐ Thank you.
‐ So you come here a lot?
‐ It's my spot.
Well, not recently.
I haven't left the house in months.
‐ Oh!
‐ We're gonna fucking rage tonight, babe!
‐ Yeah.
Fun Rob!
‐ So tell me everything.
Who are you seeing, ignoring, fucking?
Seriously, how have you been?
‐ How have I been?
My life's a fuckin' disast‐‐
Good!
Really, really, really good.
How are you?
‐ Yeah.
Yeah, my life's really glamorous.
I breast feed, I breast pump,
I breast feed, I breast pump, I breast‐‐
‐ I'm gonna just stop and talk
about Tanya's tits for a second.
When I knew Tanya before,
she‐‐ they weren't like that.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool.
‐ Hey, real talk.
‐ Yeah.
‐ How do I look?
‐ You look amazing.
‐ For real?
‐ Yeah. Your tits are like‐‐
‐ Enormous.
‐ I know, they're enormous.
Tig ol' bitties.
‐ I had to lay flat on the bed
while my husband zipped me up.
Being a woman is bullshit.
‐ Totally.
‐ Oh, my God.
‐ What?
What? What?
What's happening?
What's going on?
‐ It's this guy. We hooked up
like a million years ago,
and he was totally obsessed with me.
‐ Oh, shit.
‐ Awful.
‐ God, he looks so crusty.
‐ He's there now?
‐ Don't turn around.
Don't turn around!
‐ I'm gonna turn around just a little bit.
I'll be chill. I'll be chill.
[clears throat]
MAN: Hey, Rob.
‐ Oh shit, Squid?
‐ You know that guy?
‐ Yeah, he's my friend.
He came to meet us here.
‐ Seriously?
‐ Yeah.
Squid used to be in this amazing,
shitty punk band back in the day.
He tried to hit on me at a show.
I was like, nah.
We've been buds ever since.
You guys hooked up?
‐ Yeah.
Way back.
SQUID: Birthday girl!
‐ Hey, buddy, how you doing?
‐ I'm okay. I'm okay.
‐ Hello.
‐ Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Squid.
‐ Tanya.
‐ Tanya.
You look familiar.
Tanya.
So, another trip around the sun, huh?
‐ Yup, yup, you know?
It's a, it's a wild ride, my dude.
‐ Okay, I'm gonna go check on the table!
‐ Hey, was it me or was I gettin'
like a vibe from your friend?
‐ There's a vibe, for sure‐‐
[cell phone buzzing]
Oh, one second.
‐ Am I crazy or I feel like‐‐
‐ No, there's a vibe.
There's totally a vibe.
‐ Hey, good vibe?
‐ A vibe. Uh, just one second.
‐ Okay.
‐ Hey, what's up?
CLYDE [on phone]:
Hey!
I was actually, I'm just calling
'cause I, I wanted to see,
um, if you want to‐‐
like, meet up and get a drink or just
uh, talk 'cause I felt, uh, bad,
about how I left the other night‐‐
‐ [shouts] What?
‐ [shouts] I felt, I felt bad
about how we left it the other night.
‐ Oh, yeah. Me, too. Me, too.
‐ Uh, are you, are you busy?
‐ Uh, no, I'm just,
I'm grabbing some birthday drinks
with some friends, so‐‐
‐ Oh, shit, um‐‐
Yeah, hey, happy birthday. That's great.
‐ Thank you.
‐ Are you having fun?
‐ Tons. Yeah.
CLYDE:
Yeah, cool. That's‐‐ Yeah, that's sick.
Uh, I‐‐ Sorry. What am I doing?
It's your birthday. Go, go have fun.
I, I'll catch you later.
‐ No, no, no, no, no,
let's, let's grab a drink.
Let's hang out. I'm not gonna stay here
very long, so‐‐
‐ Yeah, cool. All right, yeah.
‐ Okay, cool.
CLYDE: Um, I'm in your hood.
‐ What?
‐ I feel like an idiot yelling.
I'm, uh, I'm in your hood.
I'm gonna be at the gym
for, like, another hour so‐‐
‐ Okay, cool. I'll text you
when I leave here.
Stay in the hood.
‐ Yeah, great. Okay.
‐ All right, cool.
CLYDE: Later.
Dude.
The fuck? Dude. Bye.
‐ All right. Bye.
‐ Hey, guys! How we doing?
BOTH: Great!
WAITRESS: Here you go, guys.
‐ Birthday shots!
‐ Oh, birthday shots!
‐ Hey, none for me. None for me.
‐ No, you have to.
‐ Come on. Birthday shots. They're fun.
SQUID: I'm three years sober.
No, I'm actually
three years sober next month.
‐ That's great.
‐ That's awesome, man.
Good for you. Seriously.
‐ It is great. Thank you.
You know, now I can remember
where I was every night
or who I was with.
You know, when I was drinking,
I made a lot of bad decisions.
TANYA/ROB: What?
‐ I made a lot of bad decisions
when I was drinking.
TANYA: Cheers!
‐ Here's to good old friends.
And a little for the homies.
‐ Aah! Oh, my God, you guys.
Wait. This is my baby Asher
who has fallen asleep with her mouth open
right under her daddy's
hairy‐assed nipple!
Doesn't it totally look like
she's breast‐feeding?
‐ Totally.
‐ Oh, my God, that is hilarious.
‐ All right, here is a PSA
for everyone that has kids.
No one cares.
Squid! What's up, man?
How you livin'? How you doin'?
‐ Well, you know, thank you
for asking that, actually.
For a long time, it wasn't good at all.
It wasn't good.
‐ I'm sorry to hear that.
‐ Have you ever heard of this program
called Alcoholics Anonymous?
‐ Yeah.
‐ I'm in that program now.
‐ You guys, this is a video
of my baby Asher
and her first day in the snow.
‐ Babies! Babies!
‐ Aw, man, it's super‐‐
‐ Cute!
This is the best part.
‐ Oh, yeah.
‐ Can you see what she's doing?
She's shitting her pants.
‐ Babies shittin' in the snow!
TANYA:
She shits all the time.
Seriously, it's the worst.
♪ Happy birthday ♪
‐ Oh, god, you guys.
Aw, all right.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[laughter]
♪ Happy birthday, dear Jessica ♪
‐ Happy birthday, Jessica.
You're the winner.
‐ Best birthday ever.
WOMAN:
Best birthday ever!
[women cheering]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
‐ You don't have to do that. It's fine.
‐ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
‐ You don't have to do that.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Rob ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
‐ Whoo!
‐ Thirty!
‐ You're 30!
‐ Thirty!
Fuckin' Fun Rob's fuckin' 30.
‐ This is your 30th birthday?
‐ Yes.
‐ With just us?
‐ Yeah.
‐ There should be more people here!
‐ No, yeah, I, I get it. I get it too.
I get it.
‐ Later, Tanya.
‐ 'Sup, Squid.
‐ See ya.
MAN: Happy birthday.
‐ Yup.
[loud music, party chatter]
CHERISE: Here you go. Thank you.
MAN: Thank you.
♪ Frank Ocean's Nikes playing ♪
♪
♪ These bitches want Nikes ♪
♪ They looking for a check ♪
♪ Tell 'em it ain't likely ♪
♪ Said she need a ring like Carmelo ♪
[cell phone ringing]
‐ Hello.
MAC [on phone]: Oh, hey.
‐ Hi.
MAC: I thought I was gonna get
your voicemail.
‐ Oh, I can, uh, hang up if you want.
You can call back.
‐ [Mac chuckles]
I just, uh,
just wanted to say happy birthday.
‐ Thank you.
MAC: Where are you?
‐ Uh... just on my way home.
MAC: Oh, really?
I thought you'd be at a gig or something.
‐ Ah, man, I'm, uh,
too old for that shit now.
MAC: Mm‐hmm.
Do you, uh... do you wanna hang out
at the Allied for a bit?
‐ What, is Lily out of town or something?
MAC: Actually, yeah, she is.
‐ Oh‐‐
MAC: No, nothing weird, I just‐‐
Just‐‐
Let me buy you a birthday drink.
‐ Okay.
MAC: Yeah?
‐ Yeah.
MAC: Okay. Cool.
I'll be there in half an hour.
‐ Okay. See you soon.
‐ Hi.
‐ How's it going?
‐ It's good.
What, uh... what you got there?
‐ Pepperoni, crushed reds.
I got you.
Shall we?
‐ We shall.
Mmm!
MAC: Mm‐mm‐mm.
I've been waiting for this moment
since I've been back.
‐ Oh, yeah?
‐ Mm‐hmm?
New York pizza, man.
Mwah. The best.
‐ Yeah.
Yeah.
What is this, Juliana's?
‐ What, you think
I'm gonna buy Grimaldi's?
‐ Out of respect
for the birthday girl, yes.
Come on, man.
‐ You're lucky you got anything at all.
You know what this moment's missing?
‐ Hmm?
♪ The Roots You Got Me
playing on speakers ♪
♪ If you were worried 'bout where ♪
♪ I been or who I saw or ♪
ROB: Hmm.
MAC: Mm‐hmm.
♪ What club I went to with my homies ♪
♪ Baby, don't worry,
you know that you got me ♪
♪ If you were worried 'bout where ♪
♪ I been or who I saw or ♪
♪ What club I went to with my homies ♪
♪ Baby, don't worry,
you know that you got me ♪
♪ Somebody told me that
this planet was small ♪
♪ We used to live in the same building ♪
♪ On the same floor and never met before ♪
♪ Until I'm overseas on tour ♪
‐ So...
how's the wedding planning?
‐ It's a lot.
Lily's like‐‐ Well, you met her.
She goes with the flow
like she's getting paid for it.
‐ [Rob chuckles]
Yep. She is a cheerful little stone
in a roaring river.
For sure.
‐ But still, you know,
there's all this... stuff.
There's all this stuff that everybody
wants to be just perfect and‐‐
‐ Jesus.
‐ Yeah.
‐ And...
how does that make you feel?
[Rob giggles]
‐ Uhh‐‐
Truth?
‐ Truth.
‐ A little nervy,
if I'm honest.
‐ That's... that's normal, right?
To get cold feet?
‐ I didn't.
Not with you.
Um‐‐
You know, I think
what's really freaking me out is,
what if I fuck it up again?
What if I drive her away and
misread her feelings
and then bail out again
when it gets too hard?
Ahh!
♪ I can trust you? ♪
♪ Is you crazy? You my king for real ♪
♪ But sometimes relationships get ill ♪
♪ No doubt ♪
♪ If you were worried 'bout where ♪
♪ I been or who I saw or ♪
‐ It wasn't your fault, Mac.
I slept with someone else
while we were together.
‐ What?
When?
When?
‐ The night we got engaged.
‐ Ohh!
Jesus fuckin' Christ, Rob.
‐ Um‐‐
‐ Jesus fuckin' Christ.
‐ Fuck. Fuck.
Mac, can we just talk for‐‐
MAC: Rob, please.
Just leave me alone, all right.
[door opens]
Please.
[door closes]
‐ Mac.
Mac, wait. Just stop!
‐ What?
‐ Just stop for a second.
‐ What?
‐ Look, it was
a one‐time thing, all right?
‐ A one‐time thing!
‐ I was freaking out.
‐ Rob, you fucked someone else
the night we got engaged.
You fuckin' slept with someone else.
Do you know how crazy that is?
‐ I know that it's fucked up. I was‐‐
‐ Have you lost your mind?
‐ I was fucked up.
‐ Do you know how fuckin' selfish
you've gotta be
to do that the night
we fuckin' got engaged, Rob.
You slept with someone else.
‐ I wasn't ready.
I wasn't fucking ready!
‐ You're telling me this now.
You're telling me this now.
Rob, I'm getting fucking married
in about two weeks!
‐ Yeah, I know
you're getting fucking married!
‐ Rob,
you are one of the most
selfish fucking people
I have ever met,
I swear to fucking God, I‐‐
That whole time.
That whole fuckin' time you just left me
spinning out on my own
like I was fuckin' going crazy.
I thought you'd fallen
out of love with me, Rob.
I thought you'd fallen
out of love with me.
I didn't know what the fuck had happened.
That whole time.
I was, I was trying to think about
what the fuck I'd done wrong.
‐ You didn't do anything wrong‐‐
‐ Yes, I know I didn't fuckin' do
anything wrong.
You did. You fucked someone else.
No me, all right?
[Rob crying]
It was you‐‐
You know, Rob, I‐‐
I can't right now. I, I'm‐‐
I can't right now.
[bag clatters]
[sobbing]
[indiscernible chatter]
‐ All right, hear me out.
Did I cheat on Mac?
Yes.
Did I crawl into bed with him afterwards?
Yes.
Did I get engaged
thinking it would erase everything?
[sighs]
Yes.
I pushed him away and pushed him away
and pushed him away,
until he had no choice but to go away.
I'm a fuckin' asshole.
‐ Oh! Fun Rob!
Hey!
‐ Hi, buddy.
‐ Hi... this is Blake.
‐ Hi, Blake.
I'm Rob. I'm Fun Rob.
‐ Oh, my God, am I finally meeting
the infamous Rob?
You drinking alone?
‐ Oh, no. I had a, I just had
a friend here, but they left.
But we had a really good time.
‐ Do you mind if I buy you
a birthday drink?
‐ Yes, you can, Blakey.
Can I call you Blakey?
‐ Yes, you can call me Blakey.
‐ Oh, he's so cute.
‐ Yeah. Are you okay?
‐ Yeah, I'm good.
Hey, question.
Did you know that Cherise is working
as a coat check girl in the city?
‐ You mean, the hotel thing?
‐ Yes!
‐ Yeah, she's been doing that
for a few weeks.
‐ Oh.
I didn't know.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Thank you.
BLAKE: Mm‐ hmm.
‐ To...
‐ Birthday!
‐ ...fun Rob, dirty 30.
‐ To fun Rob, dirty 30.
Infamous Rob.
‐ Best birthday ever!
[sighs]
Mac used to look at this photo
and tell me I looked like a sweet kid.
I'm sorry, sweet kid.
You didn't know what was coming.
You didn't know that I was gonna
turn you into this.
[sighs]
Oh, come on.
[sighs]
Sick.
[cell phone chimes]
CLYDE [on voicemail]:
Hey, it's, uh, Clyde.
I texted you a little while ago,
but I didn't hear back.
So... I guess I'm gonna head out.
But it's, um... your birthday for a while,
so happy birthday, Rob.
‐ Great.
Hey, thanks for answering.
Um, look, I'm sorry, I know
it's... late and stuff, but, um,
I locked myself out,
and I was just wondering
if you still had a set of my keys.
Okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
♪ Silk Rhodes' Pains playing ♪
♪
Ugh!
♪
[woman coughs]
♪
Ugh!
♪
♪
[keys jingling]
Hey.
Can't believe you still have my key.
‐ It's lucky for you.
‐ Lucky for me.
♪
♪
♪ Now that it's over ♪
♪ I can finally see ♪
♪ That all things must change and remain ♪
♪ Like I know you do ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ People come and go ♪
♪ There is something you should know ♪
♪ Please don't explain ♪
♪ It's the same refrain ♪
♪ Yes, it might be strange ♪
♪ Love can get changed ♪