High Fidelity (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Good Luck and Goodbye - full transcript
[door opens in distance]
[car alarm beeping]
[distant horns honking]
[groans]
‐ One down, four to go.
♪
If you need answers,
you need to go to the source.
And I need to know:
why am I doomed to be left?
Why am I doomed to be... rejected?
So, I'm gonna ask them.
All of them.
Next ex on the big ex list is Kat Mon‐‐
♪ folksy guitar playing in cafe ♪
Simon.
What are you doing in there?
What?
I'll come in. I'll come in.
Excuse me. Sorry.
What's up, dude?
‐ Nothing's up.
I'm just... just getting
a coffee beverage.
‐ I'm sorry, have...
have you been body‐snatched?
‐ I just thought I would try it out.
‐ But we hate this place.
‐ Yeah, I don't know. They have oat milk.
‐ This is Mumford & Sons?
‐ Yeah. It's probably.
‐ Okay. So, um, check it out.
I talked to Kevin Bannister's mom
last night‐‐
‐ Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Kevin‐who's‐mom?
‐ Bannister.
My first boyfriend?
‐ Oh‐‐ Okay.
‐ Number One on my "Top Five
All‐Time Heartbreak" list?
Left me for Hannah Shepherd?
I've told you this.
‐ You Top Five‐d your
All‐Time Heartbreaks?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Should we maybe wait till
after I have coffee
to go wherever this is going?
‐ Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
Do your thing. Do your thing.
I've already had three.
‐ $9.40.
‐ He married her.
Hannah Shephard is now Hannah Bannister.
Isn't that incredible?
‐ It's incredible.
‐ I mean, this whole time
I thought he rejected me.
But no. It was fate.
‐ Well, there you have it.
‐ I feel fucking liberated, man.
Which is why I'm reaching out
to everyone else on the list.
‐ Everyone else?
‐ Yeah.
There are more lessons
to be learned here, dude.
‐ I mean, like "that it was just fate
and none of it was your fault"?
‐ Can you take this seriously, please?
‐ I, I'm doing my best.
‐ Okay, so my plan was
to go chronologically,
but since you're here, Simon,
I'm hoping you can help me understand:
why I'm doomed to be left?
Why I'm doomed to be... rejected?
‐ You're asking me?
Hold on. Do you think I rejected you?
Rob, have you forgotten
that I'm homosexual?
‐ Yeah, but did you know that
when we got together, though?
‐ Wait a minute, I'm one of
your Top Five Heartbreaks?
‐ That's why you always closed your eyes
when we had sex?
‐ What can I get for you two?
‐ I'll have the, uh,
currant‐forward Ethiopian, please.
with a splash of oat milk.
‐ I'm good.
‐ It's $8.50.
‐ Okay. Okay. Besides the fact
that I have a vagina,
are there other things about me,
any traits you think
that could have factored
into us not staying together?
‐ Rob.
‐ Yeah.
‐ I still make you mix tapes, all right.
I say I like your outfit
even when I don't, at all.
I even let you pop pimples on my back,
whenever you want.
‐ I'm sorry, what's your point?
‐ My point is, Rob,
this is how we acted and I treated you
when we were in a relationship,
and this is what I continue to do now.
We're still together.
Okay? I never left.
You get it?
‐ Yes.
Yes. I get it. Thank you.
It's great.
‐ Hey.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Take me off your goddamn list.
Please.
‐ Done.
‐ Got a currant‐forward Ethiopian.
‐ Thanks.
‐ Thank you.
ROB:
That's fucking great!
All right. Two down, three to go.
‐ So you're really gonna talk
to all of them?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Every single one of them. Even‐‐
‐ Yes. Every single one.
‐ Okay, dude? I have to say it:
I think this is crazy.
‐ Uh... no. $8.50 for a coffee is crazy.
This is fuckin' genius.
♪ Aura's Yesterday's Love playing ♪
♪
♪
♪ I've been trying so hard ♪
♪ To make ya see ♪
♪ The love in me, baby ♪
[humming]
ROB: Open the window.
‐ Ooh.
[doorbell tinkles]
SIMON: What is she‐‐
‐ You're here early.
‐ Yeah, well, you know, somebody got
to pick up the slack around here,
you feel me?
Oh, and, uh, we got that order in,
Bee Tee Dubs. I handled it.
‐ You handled the order.
CHERISE: Yep.
‐ Oh my god.
[muttering]
CHERISE: I am on my shit today.
[humming]
‐ Is she taking out the trash?
ROB: [laughing]
She's taking out the trash.
‐ Where, uh‐‐
‐ It's the one on the‐‐
‐ You're taking out the trash?
‐ One on the right.
‐ Yeah.
ROB: Just go out
of that door and go to the right‐‐
CHERISE: Your right or my right?
‐ Uh, both of our rights.
‐ It's the side where it's‐‐
We're on the same right.
‐ The big black square one?
ROB: Yes.
SIMON: That one.
‐ Oh!
‐ What's going on?
‐ Uh, pssh... it must be full moon.
♪ Betty Davis'
They Say I'm different playing ♪
‐ Okay, now,
Kat Monroe.
I'm not totally sure
I'm ready for this, but‐‐
[exhales forcefully, then clears throat]
[line ringing]
♪ They say I’m different
'cause I’m a piece of sugar cane ♪
[line disconnects]
OPERATOR: The number you dialed
is not in service.
[slams receiver]
‐ Changed her number.
That's okay.
Important people do that.
I should resign myself to the idea
that Kat might be hard to track down.
She's a myth, she's a legend,
she's...
on goddamn Instagram!
♪ Every mornin'
I'd have to slop the hogs ♪
♪ And they'd be gettin' off humpin'
to John Lee Hooker ♪
♪
♪
♪ They say I'm different ♪
‐ Hey.
‐ 'Sup.
‐ You guys have a bathroom?
‐ Nah. Customers only.
‐ You can't make an exception?
‐ Nah, I can't. 'Cause, you know,
if I let, if I let you go,
I gotta let everybody else go
to the bathroom.
And I can't do that. So‐‐
‐ But I'm the only one here‐‐
‐ But, dude, can you just go
to the coffee shop, please.
They got one there.
‐ I can see the bathroom right there.
CHERISE:
Motherfucker, just walk straight,
go up the steps, make a left,
walk two blocks, turn left,
and you found it.
‐ Okay.
‐ [mockingly] Okay, bye‐bye.
Don't forget to vote.
[door slams]
ROB: Hey, Cherise.
‐ Yeah, Rob?
‐ What does it mean when someone has
a blue check mark next to their name?
‐ What are you talking about,
a blue check‐‐
‐ That. What is that?
‐ Oh, damn, you stalking Kat Monroe?
What's wrong with you?
‐ I'm not stalking her.
Wait, how do you know Kat?
‐ Uh, 'cause I own my own cellular device.
Oh, shit.
Is she in your Top Five
All‐Time Boo‐Hoo list?
‐ Simon!
‐ She's very intuitive.
‐ No, listen. For real, for real,
no judgment.
I'm here for you. You know what I mean?
If you want to take a vision quest
and go into your past
and sort some shit out,
that's dope.
Matter of fact,
you want some DMT?
‐ What does it mean, Cherise?
‐ Now, listen to me,
because I know a guy‐‐
‐ Cherise, what does
the fucking check mark mean?
‐ It means she's verified, dude.
She is internet royalty.
‐ She's been anointed
a public figure by the Instagods.
‐ Yup. I heard
she helped The Carters
pick out their art collection.
You sure you really dated her?
‐ Yeah.
‐ And you slid into her DMs?
‐ I guess.
‐ Oooh! She left it on seen.
‐ Wait. You can see she saw it?
[snickers]
‐ She is an evil petty bitch,
and I fuckin' love her!
[Cherise laughing]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
WOMAN:
All right, you brilliant idiots.
I am thrilled to bring out
the last comic of the night.
Give it up for Justin Kitt.
ROB: Justin, on the other hand,
was very easy to get a hold of.
He still has the same
Microsoft Paint website.
And he still does Thursday nights at
the same shitty West Village comedy club.
‐ All right. Some of you
gave me the look‐‐
ROB:
If this all sounds terribly unsexy,
I guess it's because... it is.
Or he is. Or was.
I think.
There's actually a lot about
this relationship I don't really remember.
Huh.
‐ See, I acknowledge my male privilege,
so you know I'm woke.
And I acknowledge
my aforementioned acknowledgement,
so you know I'm self‐aware.
I got this.
[clears throat]
Hey, you.
Dating apps. Who's swiping? Anybody?
Rob Brooks.
I thought that was you.
‐ In the flesh.
‐ Still drinking whiskey neat
like a tough guy?
‐ Still drinking vodka soda
like a little bitch?
‐ You got that?
[Rob clears throat]
So... what brings you in?
‐ Um... all right.
Bear with me here, okay?
‐ Okay.
‐ I'm kinda doing this‐‐
[cell phone buzzing]
‐ Oh shit, hang on one sec.
‐ Oh yeah. Sure.
‐ Hey.
No, I told you I'm doing
a late set tonight.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Oh, shit. I'm really sorry.
Put him on the phone.
Hey, Spider‐Man.
Listen, Daddy's gonna be home
a little bit late tonight, okay?
Spider‐Man?
Hel‐‐ Hey.
No, he didn't say anything.
Yes, Sheila. I did the Spider‐‐ Hello?
[sighs heavily]
‐ You have a kid?
‐ I got a kid
and a baby mama.
And... I don't think either of them
like me too much.
‐ Oh. Shit.
I'm sorry.
‐ It's all right.
It's just a bit of a rough patch.
She thinks I drink too much.
‐ Do you?
‐ Of course.
Anyway.
Sheila doesn't respect me,
she certainly doesn't love me,
I got no idea how to talk to the kid.
I mean, I go home‐‐
‐ I don't think I have the heart to launch
into the whole "why did you
reject me" thing.
This dude is... sad.
‐ Anyway, it's really good
to see you, Rob.
‐ Yeah, you too.
‐ I know I was a real jerk and a mess
when we were together.
‐ Oh‐‐
‐ No, but listen,
honestly, afterwards, I just,
pff, I got a whole lot worse.
I mean, I'm not trying to make it sound
like things haven't been okay
since you broke up with me.
It's not like that,
but... they haven't been great‐‐
‐ Oh, my God, he's right.
JUSTIN: You know how it goes‐‐
‐ I broke up with him. I rejected him!
God, this is great!
Why didn't I do this years ago?
Sorry to hear that, man.
♪ A Tribe Called Quest's
Electric Relaxation playing ♪
♪ Told you in the jam
that we can get down ♪
♪ Now let's knock the boots
like the group H‐Town ♪
♪ You got BBD all on your bedroom wall ♪
♪ But I'm above the rim
and this is how I ball ♪
♪ A gritty little something
on the New York street ♪
♪ This is how I represent
over this here beat ♪
♪ Talking 'bout you ♪
♪ Yo, I took you out ♪
♪ But sex was on my mind
for the whole damn route ♪
‐ You know, I'm not totally sure
that the placement is the problem.
‐ And I'm not totally sure
skinny jeans is your look,
but you don't see me all up
in your goddamn ass, do you?
‐ I'm just trying to help.
‐ All right, go ahead, what is it?
‐ I just think that there's,
that there's not much to latch onto.
‐ The fuck are you talkin' about?
‐ Everybody thinks that they're a bad‐ass.
Everyone thinks they're unapologetic
and a visionary. Everybody thinks that.
‐ Yeah, but I actually am though.
‐ Sure. Right. I get that.
But just, just, just be like,
just a little bit more specific,
that's all.
CHERISE: A little bit?
SIMON: That's it!
Just, like, show people where
you're coming from, who you are.
‐ I am... a badass.
‐ Understandable.
‐ You gotta show 'em
where you're coming from.
Right? Like, badass is like a big thing,
but you need someone
to see something like,
I'm into "Ooh!" and they're like,
"Oh, that. I wanna be a part of that."
[exhales heavily]
That's it.
Then you can put this shit wherever.
And then people will come.
‐ People will come?
They will.
‐ If you build it.
‐ They will come?
Ha, ha, ha! Yes.
‐ I'm sorry, can I, can I move these
out of the way for you?
‐ Oh, yeah, please. Thank you.
Get that out the way.
Drrr‐oo!
Du‐du!
[telephone ringing]
‐ Championship.
WOMAN: Hi, is this Rob?
Speaking.
‐ Hi, it's Kat.
‐ Um... hey‐‐ hey!
Ho‐‐ how are you?
‐ Sorry I didn't call sooner. I was
at this awful silent retreat in Bali,
no internet service,
the most temperamental monks.
Just plain awful.
Anyway,
how've you been
the last nine million years?
What's the damage? Tell me everything.
‐ This is seriously how she talks.
I mean, what is this, a John Hughes movie?
Um, yeah, I'm, I'm good. I'm good.
‐ Aw. That's really great, Rob.
Makes me so happy to hear
that you're doing so well.
‐ Didn't say I was doing so well, but‐‐
‐ Isn't it funny to think
that we used to spend hours
just dreaming about
the lives that we would lead
10 years down the line
and now here we are living them?
It's so... I don't know‐‐
‐ Remarkable.
KAT: Remarkable.
‐ Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is.
KAT:
So, are you in or you out, Rob?
‐ I'm sorry, am I, am I what?
‐ Well... I received a spate
of these "ex calls" recently.
It's probably the downside of being
vaguely whatever on the internet.
And everyone just seems
to be going through
these "what‐does‐it‐all‐mean?" trips.
Remember Caitlin?
I went out with her after you?
‐ Ka‐‐
Um, vaguely.
‐ Yeah, yeah.
So, she called me up recently,
and she was trying to rehash the past.
And was I up for it? No, I wasn't.
But I am open to being pals, Rob.
So if you're around
for a time, I'd love to,
I'd love to see you and catch up.
‐ Oh, well, uh...
[chuckles]
I'm not trying to rehash anything.
I, uh, I hate rehashing.
Rehashing sucks.
‐ Yeah. You should stop by mine tonight.
If you're in.
So... are you?
‐ Tonight. I might be‐‐
[inhales sharply]
Let me just check my, um,
calendar real fast.
Let me just check my‐‐
Uh... yeah, you know, I have something,
but I can, I can move it.
So, yeah, I'm in.
KAT: Cool.
I don't like this.
Take it.
♪
‐ Ha‐ha. That is exactly right.
‐ New York is full of people
who make you feel not enough.
There's always someone more successful
or richer or prettier than you.
Kat made me feel not enough.
[cash register dings]
She also made me feel special.
Until she left me.
After which I felt...
especially not enough.
‐ You wearing lipstick?
‐ No.
‐ That's lipstick.
‐ Shut up.
It wouldn't be till Mac
that a person made me feel
both special and enough.
And if you find that person
in this fuckin' city,
you're crazy if you let them go.
Ugh.
[street traffic]
Turns out I'm crazy.
♪ electronic music playing faintly ♪
[clears throat]
♪ electronic music grows louder ♪
‐ Rob.
‐ Hey, Kat.
How are you?
Mmm!
KAT: Oh!
‐ Are you still smoking?
‐ Yeah, a little.
WOMAN: Kat!
You need to tag me in the pictures.
KAT: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
‐ Oh, shit. Am I, am I crashing?
‐ What? No, no. Not at all.
I told you it'd be a time.
‐ A time, right.
That's a lot of people.
Wow, this‐‐ Oh!
Hmm. Got a... got a little‐‐
Can I?
‐ Yeah.
I... got a little lipstick on.
This is cool? This is‐‐
You got some swings.
‐ Yeah.
Just throw your shit everywhere‐‐
‐ Oh, yeah, cool.
Oh, I, um, I bought a little‐‐
‐ Oh, my God! Dude!
Oh, my God!
Do you remember the time
when we just drank the cheapest beer,
and nobody gave a shit?
‐ Yeah.
‐ So young and free.
‐ Yeah, I thought
it would be funny to bring it.
‐ Yup.
You know, I got the cutest jacket today.
And I think, I think you might be
the only person here
who could just pull it off.
Trust me, just try it on.
‐ I think, I'm fine. It's‐‐
‐ Trust me.
‐ Might be a little hot for this, no?
‐ Mm, no. It's breathable.
God!
Okay.
You're fucking remarkable.
Oh, my God.
Hi, baby!
Pretty good, right?
‐ Yeah, this is.
Oh, hey. Um, I'll be right back.
Mingle.
‐ Oh‐‐ Okay.
[party chatter]
‐ Hey, can you help me
with a photo real quick, over there?
‐ Oh, I'm, I'm not really good at that.
Maybe you wanna ask someone‐‐
‐ No, no, no, you don't have to be good.
Like, you just come here.
Like, make it look
very fucked up and vibey, okay?
Just‐‐
‐ Oh, okay. All right.
All right.
‐ Wait. Turn the flash on, please.
‐ Oh, sorry. Okay.
‐ Is it on?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Okay. Good.
ROB: Hot.
‐ Does it look real?
‐ Uh, yeah, looks, looks real.
‐ Does it look fucked up and vibey?
‐ Um‐‐
‐ Wait, can you see the can?
‐ Yeah, the can's in the photo.
‐ Cool.
‐ Looks pretty fucked up.
‐ Oh, sick. Thank you very much.
‐ Yep.
‐ [Kat clears throat]
‐ [bell tinkling]
‐ Dinner time! Come on.
That's when I told her, no,
you can't come to my birthday party.
'Cause Beyoncé might be there
and you fucking bit her.
[laughter]
‐ Kat tells me you own a record store?
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ That's so dope.
I've always been shy
about my musical preferences
for, like, fear of judgment.
‐ Most of it comes down
to just blind conviction.
‐ Exactly.
Like, do men feel the need
to justify everything?
No.
They just... take up space, exist.
‐ Right.
‐ It's so bad‐ass for you
to not only occupy
but freaking own...
such a historically masculine space.
‐ Yeah, I guess it is kind of bad‐ass.
I should hate these people.
And I think I do,
but just... give me a second.
‐ So how do you know Kat?
‐ Um... we used to date.
But now I guess we're pals.
Yeah. How about you?
‐ Well, to be honest,
we've actually never met IRL.
But I've followed her for months.
‐ Right.
‐ Actually, this is the first time
meeting anyone here.
‐ What?
‐ Don't get me wrong,
I'm usually averse to doing these
Instagram Influencer meet‐ups.
But we're getting paid so much
to hawk this Soju shit.
Korean money runs deep.
Take a selfie.
♪ hip‐hop music playing ♪
♪
[indiscernible conversations]
‐ Yeah. I hate these people.
They're awful.
And the most awful of the awful?
Fucking Kat Monroe.
KAT:
Nobody in this world is making‐‐
ROB: She doesn't listen to anyone,
she says terrible stupid things
that mean absolutely nothing,
and she totally gets away with it,
because no one here cares what you say
as long as your selfies are lit right.
[shutters clicking]
‐ Oh, my God. Yes!
Yes, I will see you soon. Call me, okay?
WOMAN: Thank you.
KAT: Say hi to Alberto.
WOMAN: Bye.
KAT: Bye.
[door closes]
[sighs heavily]
Oh, fuck.
[exhales forcefully]
Hi, Rob.
‐ Hey, Kat.
‐ What?
‐ That was quite the production.
‐ Oh, my God, I know.
I mean, it's, it's all a bit ridiculous,
but, you know,
it's opening doors...
and the sponsorship pays.
Plus these Soju dudes
were just... so eager.
I just felt bad for them, you know?
You were great, by the way.
‐ Yeah, so, Kat,
why'd you leave me for Caitlin?
‐ Oh, my God. Fuck!
I fuckin' knew it!
I fuckin' knew, motherfucker.
I knew that you were going through one
of those "what‐does‐it‐all‐mean?" things!
I fuckin' knew it, I'm telling you.
Shit!
‐ I am.
I am. Very much so.
It's okay, I can take it.
Look.
I mean, of course
I thought that you were charming
and thoughtful.
And I just, I adored the way
that you just got consumed
by all of the things that you loved.
But I just felt that I was...
dragging you a bit?
And Caitlin was less hard work?
Like, a little bit sunnier.
Sparkier.
Like, a little bit more...
sure of herself?
‐ Okay. All right.
Thank you, that's really helpful.
‐ And you just always seemed
like, how do I put this,
in search of yourself?
Like, looking for constant purpose
and validation?
‐ Is that it?
‐ You could also be a bit obsessive,
like, um, a little
too in touch with your feelings.
‐ Okay.
‐ I hope it's not hurtful.
You seem like you're doing great now,
if it's, you know... any consolation.
Oh, fuck. We gotta go.
I need to be out by 10 or I'm screwed.
‐ What do you mean?
‐ Oh, my God. You thought
that I live here?
Fuck, you're funny.
Honey, this is an events rental. Come on.
Let's go. Chop‐chop.
‐ Oh, shit.
Da‐da‐da‐da‐da!
Read it to me!
Okay. "Front woman looking for a band.
"Once in a generation
soul samurai front woman
"(Aretha‐meets‐Ann Wilson‐
meets‐Wilson Pickett‐
"meets‐Cree Summer‐meets‐Prince,
but taller and not such a weirdo)"
‐Weirdo.
‐ seeks galactic cowboy supergroup."
‐ Read my motherfuckin' influences.
‐ "Influences must include:
"Stevie Wonder '66‐'77 only...
‐ Stevie Wonder!
James Brown, Live at the Apollo 1963
(mostly side A)."
♪ Mostly side A ♪
‐ "King Crimson, but not so prog.
Dungen but more Nordic.
"Cream, but only Ginger and Jack.
"The tambourine
on While My Guitar Gently Weeps.
"The tambourine on Edwin Starr's War.
"Think Brian Eno producing
Beyoncé fronting Soul Coughing
"but with Daniel Ash on guitar.
See Cherise in store for more info."
That's definitely more specific.
[laughter]
SIMON: You look like
a high fashion Ninja Turtle.
‐ No, it doesn't!
Yo, I could have told you
that lady is the motherfuckin' worst.
Bro, she livestreams
her workouts every morning.
It's the ultimate hate‐watch.
‐ You know she told me I was obsessive
and too in touch with my feelings.
‐ Those are not the words I would use‐‐
‐ What? No. Not at all. Fuck her.
‐ Yeah.
CHERISE: That is crazy.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Yeah, she said
some really fuckin' hurtful shit.
I am... yeah, I'm done with this...
this whole thing. I'm done.
‐ Thank you. Thank you.
‐ You know, it's weird and stupid.
‐ I'm glad you finally realized that.
‐ Although‐‐
‐ Fuck me!
‐ Why should I care what a person
like that thinks about me, anyway?
‐ Exactly.
‐ You should not.
‐ She sucks.
‐ She sucks.
‐ I should want... to be rejected
by someone like that.
‐ How the fuck did you get
from that to this?
‐ What kind of mentality is that? No.
ROB: Yes.
Yes. Yes!
CHERISE: Are you serious?
‐ Oh, my God. Freedom!
The lessons. The lessons.
This idea is so fuckin' baller.
‐ You're gonna end up
with your ex's ballers on your face,
if you keep up
with this list shit, all right?
Now, you gonna sit here and lie to me
and tell me you ain't fucked
none of them exes?
‐ No. This is about the truth, Cherise.
SIMON: Exactly.
Which is why you need to quit
while you're ahead.
‐ What do you mean?
‐ Just stop.
Quit before you get to the one
that broke your heart.
‐ Mac is next.
SIMON:
Yeah. Just don't do it.
‐ Nope. I'm doing it.
‐ Okay. Sure.
[slams glass on table]
‐ Four down. One to go.
[grunts]
‐ Yo, what is the probability
that she gonna fuck Mac.
‐ Fifty‐fifty.
♪
♪ Beastie Boys' I Don't Know playing ♪
♪
♪ What's pleasing to ♪
♪ The eye ♪
♪ In the delusion of my sight ♪
♪ Is not what I find ♪
♪ When I reach into the light ♪
♪ I have lost my mind ♪
[chuckles]
"What are you doing, Rob?
Why are you here?"
Yeah, fuck that.
[clears throat]
MAC: Hey.
‐ Hey!
‐ Rob.
‐ Surprise!
‐ What's up?
‐ Nothin'.
Oh, what's up? Why am I out here?
Um, yeah, I was, uh, I was just over
at the bar with Simon and Cherise,
and we were talking
and I was gonna walk home
and then I remembered
that you live near here now,
so I thought, um, maybe I would stop‐‐
‐ Rob.
ROB: Yeah?
‐ Do you want to come up for a sec?
‐ Yeah. That'd be great.
‐ You want a drink?
‐ Uh, yeah.
‐ I think I've got some
of that tea you like.
‐ Maybe something stronger.
‐ Yeah.
Definitely.
‐ Yeah.
[clears throat]
Oh, hey, Marco.
What's up, little dude?
‐ [meows]
‐ [Rob chuckles]
You got your own.
‐ Yeah, you trained me well.
Computer speakers
will never sound the same.
‐ Need to work on your
record collection though.
That is pitiful, my friend.
‐ I know.
‐ Nice digs, dude.
Very nice.
Thank you.
‐ You still rocking the jacket.
‐ Yep, yep, I am.
I, I tried switching it up recently but
'twas not the groove.
‐ No. Don't do that. That's your look.
‐ Hey, I'm really sorry about
the late night playlist thing.
That was, um,
not my finest hour.
‐ Yeah, it was a weird move.
‐ I just said that.
Yes, I'm sorry.
That's what I'm trying to say.
‐ It's cool.
I'm sorry, I know I should have replied‐‐
‐ No, no, no, it's totally fine.
‐ It's dope though.
I've been listening.
‐ Oh, yeah?
‐ Yeah.
‐ In order?
‐ Do you think I'm a crazy person?
I learned my lesson many moons ago, Rob:
thou shalt not shuffle
the lady's playlists.
‐ I'm just saying
it's like that for a reason.
There's a story there, man.
‐ Oh, I get it.
It's good to see you, Rob.
‐ Yeah, you too.
‐ I'm sorry we never really talked
after everything went down, you know.
‐ Yeah. Me too.
The whole "moving across the Atlantic"
thing didn't really give me
a "let's talk about it" vibe.
So‐‐
‐ Yeah, well.
You know, I tried to talk to you, Rob,
I tried over and over, but you
don't listen, you never listened.
‐ Oh, I, I never listened?
I nev‐‐ I nev‐‐ Okay. All right.
Interesting.
And, um,
[clears throat]
Lily, she's a, she's a good listener?
‐ Oh, Jesus Christ!
‐ What? No, no, I just wanna know.
She understands you? She nods
at all the right times and stuff?
‐ What do you want, Rob?
‐ I‐‐
I want you to‐‐
I want you to tell me that
it's not serious between you two.
I want you to tell me
that you haven't proposed... yet.
And I want that to be the truth.
‐ Uh‐‐
I can't do that, Rob.
‐ Okay. Okay.
[door slams shut]
[breathing heavily]
Why couldn't I just... ask him?
I asked all the others.
I mean, that's what I went there
to do, right?
And I fucking choked.
Instead, I ask him if he's engaged?
And he's engaged.
Jesus!
♪ David Bowie's It Ain't Easy playing ♪
♪
♪ When you climb
to the top of the mountain ♪
♪ Look out over the sea ♪
What am I trying to figure out?
That I'm doomed to die alone,
and it's my fault?
Or it's not, and it's fate?
Either way, I'm alone.
Either way, there's no Mac.
Either way‐‐
♪ ...strange things circulating round ♪
♪ All the people have got their problems ♪
♪ That ain't nothing new ♪
It's happening.
It's happening.
Well, thanks for tuning in, folks.
Next week on the Sad Lady show,
we're gonna team up
and fight the loneliness together
with cats and cigarettes
and reruns of Murder, She Wrote.
This was a terrible idea.
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy to get to heaven ♪
♪ When you're going down ♪
♪ Well, all the people
have got their problems ♪
♪ That ain't nothing new ♪
♪ But with the help of the good Lord ♪
♪ We can all pull on through ♪
♪ We can all pull on through ♪
♪ Get there in the end ♪
♪ Sometimes it'll take you right up ♪
♪ And sometimes down again ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy to get to heaven ♪
♪ When you're going down ♪
[car alarm beeping]
[distant horns honking]
[groans]
‐ One down, four to go.
♪
If you need answers,
you need to go to the source.
And I need to know:
why am I doomed to be left?
Why am I doomed to be... rejected?
So, I'm gonna ask them.
All of them.
Next ex on the big ex list is Kat Mon‐‐
♪ folksy guitar playing in cafe ♪
Simon.
What are you doing in there?
What?
I'll come in. I'll come in.
Excuse me. Sorry.
What's up, dude?
‐ Nothing's up.
I'm just... just getting
a coffee beverage.
‐ I'm sorry, have...
have you been body‐snatched?
‐ I just thought I would try it out.
‐ But we hate this place.
‐ Yeah, I don't know. They have oat milk.
‐ This is Mumford & Sons?
‐ Yeah. It's probably.
‐ Okay. So, um, check it out.
I talked to Kevin Bannister's mom
last night‐‐
‐ Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Kevin‐who's‐mom?
‐ Bannister.
My first boyfriend?
‐ Oh‐‐ Okay.
‐ Number One on my "Top Five
All‐Time Heartbreak" list?
Left me for Hannah Shepherd?
I've told you this.
‐ You Top Five‐d your
All‐Time Heartbreaks?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Should we maybe wait till
after I have coffee
to go wherever this is going?
‐ Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
Do your thing. Do your thing.
I've already had three.
‐ $9.40.
‐ He married her.
Hannah Shephard is now Hannah Bannister.
Isn't that incredible?
‐ It's incredible.
‐ I mean, this whole time
I thought he rejected me.
But no. It was fate.
‐ Well, there you have it.
‐ I feel fucking liberated, man.
Which is why I'm reaching out
to everyone else on the list.
‐ Everyone else?
‐ Yeah.
There are more lessons
to be learned here, dude.
‐ I mean, like "that it was just fate
and none of it was your fault"?
‐ Can you take this seriously, please?
‐ I, I'm doing my best.
‐ Okay, so my plan was
to go chronologically,
but since you're here, Simon,
I'm hoping you can help me understand:
why I'm doomed to be left?
Why I'm doomed to be... rejected?
‐ You're asking me?
Hold on. Do you think I rejected you?
Rob, have you forgotten
that I'm homosexual?
‐ Yeah, but did you know that
when we got together, though?
‐ Wait a minute, I'm one of
your Top Five Heartbreaks?
‐ That's why you always closed your eyes
when we had sex?
‐ What can I get for you two?
‐ I'll have the, uh,
currant‐forward Ethiopian, please.
with a splash of oat milk.
‐ I'm good.
‐ It's $8.50.
‐ Okay. Okay. Besides the fact
that I have a vagina,
are there other things about me,
any traits you think
that could have factored
into us not staying together?
‐ Rob.
‐ Yeah.
‐ I still make you mix tapes, all right.
I say I like your outfit
even when I don't, at all.
I even let you pop pimples on my back,
whenever you want.
‐ I'm sorry, what's your point?
‐ My point is, Rob,
this is how we acted and I treated you
when we were in a relationship,
and this is what I continue to do now.
We're still together.
Okay? I never left.
You get it?
‐ Yes.
Yes. I get it. Thank you.
It's great.
‐ Hey.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Take me off your goddamn list.
Please.
‐ Done.
‐ Got a currant‐forward Ethiopian.
‐ Thanks.
‐ Thank you.
ROB:
That's fucking great!
All right. Two down, three to go.
‐ So you're really gonna talk
to all of them?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Every single one of them. Even‐‐
‐ Yes. Every single one.
‐ Okay, dude? I have to say it:
I think this is crazy.
‐ Uh... no. $8.50 for a coffee is crazy.
This is fuckin' genius.
♪ Aura's Yesterday's Love playing ♪
♪
♪
♪ I've been trying so hard ♪
♪ To make ya see ♪
♪ The love in me, baby ♪
[humming]
ROB: Open the window.
‐ Ooh.
[doorbell tinkles]
SIMON: What is she‐‐
‐ You're here early.
‐ Yeah, well, you know, somebody got
to pick up the slack around here,
you feel me?
Oh, and, uh, we got that order in,
Bee Tee Dubs. I handled it.
‐ You handled the order.
CHERISE: Yep.
‐ Oh my god.
[muttering]
CHERISE: I am on my shit today.
[humming]
‐ Is she taking out the trash?
ROB: [laughing]
She's taking out the trash.
‐ Where, uh‐‐
‐ It's the one on the‐‐
‐ You're taking out the trash?
‐ One on the right.
‐ Yeah.
ROB: Just go out
of that door and go to the right‐‐
CHERISE: Your right or my right?
‐ Uh, both of our rights.
‐ It's the side where it's‐‐
We're on the same right.
‐ The big black square one?
ROB: Yes.
SIMON: That one.
‐ Oh!
‐ What's going on?
‐ Uh, pssh... it must be full moon.
♪ Betty Davis'
They Say I'm different playing ♪
‐ Okay, now,
Kat Monroe.
I'm not totally sure
I'm ready for this, but‐‐
[exhales forcefully, then clears throat]
[line ringing]
♪ They say I’m different
'cause I’m a piece of sugar cane ♪
[line disconnects]
OPERATOR: The number you dialed
is not in service.
[slams receiver]
‐ Changed her number.
That's okay.
Important people do that.
I should resign myself to the idea
that Kat might be hard to track down.
She's a myth, she's a legend,
she's...
on goddamn Instagram!
♪ Every mornin'
I'd have to slop the hogs ♪
♪ And they'd be gettin' off humpin'
to John Lee Hooker ♪
♪
♪
♪ They say I'm different ♪
‐ Hey.
‐ 'Sup.
‐ You guys have a bathroom?
‐ Nah. Customers only.
‐ You can't make an exception?
‐ Nah, I can't. 'Cause, you know,
if I let, if I let you go,
I gotta let everybody else go
to the bathroom.
And I can't do that. So‐‐
‐ But I'm the only one here‐‐
‐ But, dude, can you just go
to the coffee shop, please.
They got one there.
‐ I can see the bathroom right there.
CHERISE:
Motherfucker, just walk straight,
go up the steps, make a left,
walk two blocks, turn left,
and you found it.
‐ Okay.
‐ [mockingly] Okay, bye‐bye.
Don't forget to vote.
[door slams]
ROB: Hey, Cherise.
‐ Yeah, Rob?
‐ What does it mean when someone has
a blue check mark next to their name?
‐ What are you talking about,
a blue check‐‐
‐ That. What is that?
‐ Oh, damn, you stalking Kat Monroe?
What's wrong with you?
‐ I'm not stalking her.
Wait, how do you know Kat?
‐ Uh, 'cause I own my own cellular device.
Oh, shit.
Is she in your Top Five
All‐Time Boo‐Hoo list?
‐ Simon!
‐ She's very intuitive.
‐ No, listen. For real, for real,
no judgment.
I'm here for you. You know what I mean?
If you want to take a vision quest
and go into your past
and sort some shit out,
that's dope.
Matter of fact,
you want some DMT?
‐ What does it mean, Cherise?
‐ Now, listen to me,
because I know a guy‐‐
‐ Cherise, what does
the fucking check mark mean?
‐ It means she's verified, dude.
She is internet royalty.
‐ She's been anointed
a public figure by the Instagods.
‐ Yup. I heard
she helped The Carters
pick out their art collection.
You sure you really dated her?
‐ Yeah.
‐ And you slid into her DMs?
‐ I guess.
‐ Oooh! She left it on seen.
‐ Wait. You can see she saw it?
[snickers]
‐ She is an evil petty bitch,
and I fuckin' love her!
[Cherise laughing]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
WOMAN:
All right, you brilliant idiots.
I am thrilled to bring out
the last comic of the night.
Give it up for Justin Kitt.
ROB: Justin, on the other hand,
was very easy to get a hold of.
He still has the same
Microsoft Paint website.
And he still does Thursday nights at
the same shitty West Village comedy club.
‐ All right. Some of you
gave me the look‐‐
ROB:
If this all sounds terribly unsexy,
I guess it's because... it is.
Or he is. Or was.
I think.
There's actually a lot about
this relationship I don't really remember.
Huh.
‐ See, I acknowledge my male privilege,
so you know I'm woke.
And I acknowledge
my aforementioned acknowledgement,
so you know I'm self‐aware.
I got this.
[clears throat]
Hey, you.
Dating apps. Who's swiping? Anybody?
Rob Brooks.
I thought that was you.
‐ In the flesh.
‐ Still drinking whiskey neat
like a tough guy?
‐ Still drinking vodka soda
like a little bitch?
‐ You got that?
[Rob clears throat]
So... what brings you in?
‐ Um... all right.
Bear with me here, okay?
‐ Okay.
‐ I'm kinda doing this‐‐
[cell phone buzzing]
‐ Oh shit, hang on one sec.
‐ Oh yeah. Sure.
‐ Hey.
No, I told you I'm doing
a late set tonight.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Oh, shit. I'm really sorry.
Put him on the phone.
Hey, Spider‐Man.
Listen, Daddy's gonna be home
a little bit late tonight, okay?
Spider‐Man?
Hel‐‐ Hey.
No, he didn't say anything.
Yes, Sheila. I did the Spider‐‐ Hello?
[sighs heavily]
‐ You have a kid?
‐ I got a kid
and a baby mama.
And... I don't think either of them
like me too much.
‐ Oh. Shit.
I'm sorry.
‐ It's all right.
It's just a bit of a rough patch.
She thinks I drink too much.
‐ Do you?
‐ Of course.
Anyway.
Sheila doesn't respect me,
she certainly doesn't love me,
I got no idea how to talk to the kid.
I mean, I go home‐‐
‐ I don't think I have the heart to launch
into the whole "why did you
reject me" thing.
This dude is... sad.
‐ Anyway, it's really good
to see you, Rob.
‐ Yeah, you too.
‐ I know I was a real jerk and a mess
when we were together.
‐ Oh‐‐
‐ No, but listen,
honestly, afterwards, I just,
pff, I got a whole lot worse.
I mean, I'm not trying to make it sound
like things haven't been okay
since you broke up with me.
It's not like that,
but... they haven't been great‐‐
‐ Oh, my God, he's right.
JUSTIN: You know how it goes‐‐
‐ I broke up with him. I rejected him!
God, this is great!
Why didn't I do this years ago?
Sorry to hear that, man.
♪ A Tribe Called Quest's
Electric Relaxation playing ♪
♪ Told you in the jam
that we can get down ♪
♪ Now let's knock the boots
like the group H‐Town ♪
♪ You got BBD all on your bedroom wall ♪
♪ But I'm above the rim
and this is how I ball ♪
♪ A gritty little something
on the New York street ♪
♪ This is how I represent
over this here beat ♪
♪ Talking 'bout you ♪
♪ Yo, I took you out ♪
♪ But sex was on my mind
for the whole damn route ♪
‐ You know, I'm not totally sure
that the placement is the problem.
‐ And I'm not totally sure
skinny jeans is your look,
but you don't see me all up
in your goddamn ass, do you?
‐ I'm just trying to help.
‐ All right, go ahead, what is it?
‐ I just think that there's,
that there's not much to latch onto.
‐ The fuck are you talkin' about?
‐ Everybody thinks that they're a bad‐ass.
Everyone thinks they're unapologetic
and a visionary. Everybody thinks that.
‐ Yeah, but I actually am though.
‐ Sure. Right. I get that.
But just, just, just be like,
just a little bit more specific,
that's all.
CHERISE: A little bit?
SIMON: That's it!
Just, like, show people where
you're coming from, who you are.
‐ I am... a badass.
‐ Understandable.
‐ You gotta show 'em
where you're coming from.
Right? Like, badass is like a big thing,
but you need someone
to see something like,
I'm into "Ooh!" and they're like,
"Oh, that. I wanna be a part of that."
[exhales heavily]
That's it.
Then you can put this shit wherever.
And then people will come.
‐ People will come?
They will.
‐ If you build it.
‐ They will come?
Ha, ha, ha! Yes.
‐ I'm sorry, can I, can I move these
out of the way for you?
‐ Oh, yeah, please. Thank you.
Get that out the way.
Drrr‐oo!
Du‐du!
[telephone ringing]
‐ Championship.
WOMAN: Hi, is this Rob?
Speaking.
‐ Hi, it's Kat.
‐ Um... hey‐‐ hey!
Ho‐‐ how are you?
‐ Sorry I didn't call sooner. I was
at this awful silent retreat in Bali,
no internet service,
the most temperamental monks.
Just plain awful.
Anyway,
how've you been
the last nine million years?
What's the damage? Tell me everything.
‐ This is seriously how she talks.
I mean, what is this, a John Hughes movie?
Um, yeah, I'm, I'm good. I'm good.
‐ Aw. That's really great, Rob.
Makes me so happy to hear
that you're doing so well.
‐ Didn't say I was doing so well, but‐‐
‐ Isn't it funny to think
that we used to spend hours
just dreaming about
the lives that we would lead
10 years down the line
and now here we are living them?
It's so... I don't know‐‐
‐ Remarkable.
KAT: Remarkable.
‐ Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is.
KAT:
So, are you in or you out, Rob?
‐ I'm sorry, am I, am I what?
‐ Well... I received a spate
of these "ex calls" recently.
It's probably the downside of being
vaguely whatever on the internet.
And everyone just seems
to be going through
these "what‐does‐it‐all‐mean?" trips.
Remember Caitlin?
I went out with her after you?
‐ Ka‐‐
Um, vaguely.
‐ Yeah, yeah.
So, she called me up recently,
and she was trying to rehash the past.
And was I up for it? No, I wasn't.
But I am open to being pals, Rob.
So if you're around
for a time, I'd love to,
I'd love to see you and catch up.
‐ Oh, well, uh...
[chuckles]
I'm not trying to rehash anything.
I, uh, I hate rehashing.
Rehashing sucks.
‐ Yeah. You should stop by mine tonight.
If you're in.
So... are you?
‐ Tonight. I might be‐‐
[inhales sharply]
Let me just check my, um,
calendar real fast.
Let me just check my‐‐
Uh... yeah, you know, I have something,
but I can, I can move it.
So, yeah, I'm in.
KAT: Cool.
I don't like this.
Take it.
♪
‐ Ha‐ha. That is exactly right.
‐ New York is full of people
who make you feel not enough.
There's always someone more successful
or richer or prettier than you.
Kat made me feel not enough.
[cash register dings]
She also made me feel special.
Until she left me.
After which I felt...
especially not enough.
‐ You wearing lipstick?
‐ No.
‐ That's lipstick.
‐ Shut up.
It wouldn't be till Mac
that a person made me feel
both special and enough.
And if you find that person
in this fuckin' city,
you're crazy if you let them go.
Ugh.
[street traffic]
Turns out I'm crazy.
♪ electronic music playing faintly ♪
[clears throat]
♪ electronic music grows louder ♪
‐ Rob.
‐ Hey, Kat.
How are you?
Mmm!
KAT: Oh!
‐ Are you still smoking?
‐ Yeah, a little.
WOMAN: Kat!
You need to tag me in the pictures.
KAT: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
‐ Oh, shit. Am I, am I crashing?
‐ What? No, no. Not at all.
I told you it'd be a time.
‐ A time, right.
That's a lot of people.
Wow, this‐‐ Oh!
Hmm. Got a... got a little‐‐
Can I?
‐ Yeah.
I... got a little lipstick on.
This is cool? This is‐‐
You got some swings.
‐ Yeah.
Just throw your shit everywhere‐‐
‐ Oh, yeah, cool.
Oh, I, um, I bought a little‐‐
‐ Oh, my God! Dude!
Oh, my God!
Do you remember the time
when we just drank the cheapest beer,
and nobody gave a shit?
‐ Yeah.
‐ So young and free.
‐ Yeah, I thought
it would be funny to bring it.
‐ Yup.
You know, I got the cutest jacket today.
And I think, I think you might be
the only person here
who could just pull it off.
Trust me, just try it on.
‐ I think, I'm fine. It's‐‐
‐ Trust me.
‐ Might be a little hot for this, no?
‐ Mm, no. It's breathable.
God!
Okay.
You're fucking remarkable.
Oh, my God.
Hi, baby!
Pretty good, right?
‐ Yeah, this is.
Oh, hey. Um, I'll be right back.
Mingle.
‐ Oh‐‐ Okay.
[party chatter]
‐ Hey, can you help me
with a photo real quick, over there?
‐ Oh, I'm, I'm not really good at that.
Maybe you wanna ask someone‐‐
‐ No, no, no, you don't have to be good.
Like, you just come here.
Like, make it look
very fucked up and vibey, okay?
Just‐‐
‐ Oh, okay. All right.
All right.
‐ Wait. Turn the flash on, please.
‐ Oh, sorry. Okay.
‐ Is it on?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Okay. Good.
ROB: Hot.
‐ Does it look real?
‐ Uh, yeah, looks, looks real.
‐ Does it look fucked up and vibey?
‐ Um‐‐
‐ Wait, can you see the can?
‐ Yeah, the can's in the photo.
‐ Cool.
‐ Looks pretty fucked up.
‐ Oh, sick. Thank you very much.
‐ Yep.
‐ [Kat clears throat]
‐ [bell tinkling]
‐ Dinner time! Come on.
That's when I told her, no,
you can't come to my birthday party.
'Cause Beyoncé might be there
and you fucking bit her.
[laughter]
‐ Kat tells me you own a record store?
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ That's so dope.
I've always been shy
about my musical preferences
for, like, fear of judgment.
‐ Most of it comes down
to just blind conviction.
‐ Exactly.
Like, do men feel the need
to justify everything?
No.
They just... take up space, exist.
‐ Right.
‐ It's so bad‐ass for you
to not only occupy
but freaking own...
such a historically masculine space.
‐ Yeah, I guess it is kind of bad‐ass.
I should hate these people.
And I think I do,
but just... give me a second.
‐ So how do you know Kat?
‐ Um... we used to date.
But now I guess we're pals.
Yeah. How about you?
‐ Well, to be honest,
we've actually never met IRL.
But I've followed her for months.
‐ Right.
‐ Actually, this is the first time
meeting anyone here.
‐ What?
‐ Don't get me wrong,
I'm usually averse to doing these
Instagram Influencer meet‐ups.
But we're getting paid so much
to hawk this Soju shit.
Korean money runs deep.
Take a selfie.
♪ hip‐hop music playing ♪
♪
[indiscernible conversations]
‐ Yeah. I hate these people.
They're awful.
And the most awful of the awful?
Fucking Kat Monroe.
KAT:
Nobody in this world is making‐‐
ROB: She doesn't listen to anyone,
she says terrible stupid things
that mean absolutely nothing,
and she totally gets away with it,
because no one here cares what you say
as long as your selfies are lit right.
[shutters clicking]
‐ Oh, my God. Yes!
Yes, I will see you soon. Call me, okay?
WOMAN: Thank you.
KAT: Say hi to Alberto.
WOMAN: Bye.
KAT: Bye.
[door closes]
[sighs heavily]
Oh, fuck.
[exhales forcefully]
Hi, Rob.
‐ Hey, Kat.
‐ What?
‐ That was quite the production.
‐ Oh, my God, I know.
I mean, it's, it's all a bit ridiculous,
but, you know,
it's opening doors...
and the sponsorship pays.
Plus these Soju dudes
were just... so eager.
I just felt bad for them, you know?
You were great, by the way.
‐ Yeah, so, Kat,
why'd you leave me for Caitlin?
‐ Oh, my God. Fuck!
I fuckin' knew it!
I fuckin' knew, motherfucker.
I knew that you were going through one
of those "what‐does‐it‐all‐mean?" things!
I fuckin' knew it, I'm telling you.
Shit!
‐ I am.
I am. Very much so.
It's okay, I can take it.
Look.
I mean, of course
I thought that you were charming
and thoughtful.
And I just, I adored the way
that you just got consumed
by all of the things that you loved.
But I just felt that I was...
dragging you a bit?
And Caitlin was less hard work?
Like, a little bit sunnier.
Sparkier.
Like, a little bit more...
sure of herself?
‐ Okay. All right.
Thank you, that's really helpful.
‐ And you just always seemed
like, how do I put this,
in search of yourself?
Like, looking for constant purpose
and validation?
‐ Is that it?
‐ You could also be a bit obsessive,
like, um, a little
too in touch with your feelings.
‐ Okay.
‐ I hope it's not hurtful.
You seem like you're doing great now,
if it's, you know... any consolation.
Oh, fuck. We gotta go.
I need to be out by 10 or I'm screwed.
‐ What do you mean?
‐ Oh, my God. You thought
that I live here?
Fuck, you're funny.
Honey, this is an events rental. Come on.
Let's go. Chop‐chop.
‐ Oh, shit.
Da‐da‐da‐da‐da!
Read it to me!
Okay. "Front woman looking for a band.
"Once in a generation
soul samurai front woman
"(Aretha‐meets‐Ann Wilson‐
meets‐Wilson Pickett‐
"meets‐Cree Summer‐meets‐Prince,
but taller and not such a weirdo)"
‐Weirdo.
‐ seeks galactic cowboy supergroup."
‐ Read my motherfuckin' influences.
‐ "Influences must include:
"Stevie Wonder '66‐'77 only...
‐ Stevie Wonder!
James Brown, Live at the Apollo 1963
(mostly side A)."
♪ Mostly side A ♪
‐ "King Crimson, but not so prog.
Dungen but more Nordic.
"Cream, but only Ginger and Jack.
"The tambourine
on While My Guitar Gently Weeps.
"The tambourine on Edwin Starr's War.
"Think Brian Eno producing
Beyoncé fronting Soul Coughing
"but with Daniel Ash on guitar.
See Cherise in store for more info."
That's definitely more specific.
[laughter]
SIMON: You look like
a high fashion Ninja Turtle.
‐ No, it doesn't!
Yo, I could have told you
that lady is the motherfuckin' worst.
Bro, she livestreams
her workouts every morning.
It's the ultimate hate‐watch.
‐ You know she told me I was obsessive
and too in touch with my feelings.
‐ Those are not the words I would use‐‐
‐ What? No. Not at all. Fuck her.
‐ Yeah.
CHERISE: That is crazy.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Yeah, she said
some really fuckin' hurtful shit.
I am... yeah, I'm done with this...
this whole thing. I'm done.
‐ Thank you. Thank you.
‐ You know, it's weird and stupid.
‐ I'm glad you finally realized that.
‐ Although‐‐
‐ Fuck me!
‐ Why should I care what a person
like that thinks about me, anyway?
‐ Exactly.
‐ You should not.
‐ She sucks.
‐ She sucks.
‐ I should want... to be rejected
by someone like that.
‐ How the fuck did you get
from that to this?
‐ What kind of mentality is that? No.
ROB: Yes.
Yes. Yes!
CHERISE: Are you serious?
‐ Oh, my God. Freedom!
The lessons. The lessons.
This idea is so fuckin' baller.
‐ You're gonna end up
with your ex's ballers on your face,
if you keep up
with this list shit, all right?
Now, you gonna sit here and lie to me
and tell me you ain't fucked
none of them exes?
‐ No. This is about the truth, Cherise.
SIMON: Exactly.
Which is why you need to quit
while you're ahead.
‐ What do you mean?
‐ Just stop.
Quit before you get to the one
that broke your heart.
‐ Mac is next.
SIMON:
Yeah. Just don't do it.
‐ Nope. I'm doing it.
‐ Okay. Sure.
[slams glass on table]
‐ Four down. One to go.
[grunts]
‐ Yo, what is the probability
that she gonna fuck Mac.
‐ Fifty‐fifty.
♪
♪ Beastie Boys' I Don't Know playing ♪
♪
♪ What's pleasing to ♪
♪ The eye ♪
♪ In the delusion of my sight ♪
♪ Is not what I find ♪
♪ When I reach into the light ♪
♪ I have lost my mind ♪
[chuckles]
"What are you doing, Rob?
Why are you here?"
Yeah, fuck that.
[clears throat]
MAC: Hey.
‐ Hey!
‐ Rob.
‐ Surprise!
‐ What's up?
‐ Nothin'.
Oh, what's up? Why am I out here?
Um, yeah, I was, uh, I was just over
at the bar with Simon and Cherise,
and we were talking
and I was gonna walk home
and then I remembered
that you live near here now,
so I thought, um, maybe I would stop‐‐
‐ Rob.
ROB: Yeah?
‐ Do you want to come up for a sec?
‐ Yeah. That'd be great.
‐ You want a drink?
‐ Uh, yeah.
‐ I think I've got some
of that tea you like.
‐ Maybe something stronger.
‐ Yeah.
Definitely.
‐ Yeah.
[clears throat]
Oh, hey, Marco.
What's up, little dude?
‐ [meows]
‐ [Rob chuckles]
You got your own.
‐ Yeah, you trained me well.
Computer speakers
will never sound the same.
‐ Need to work on your
record collection though.
That is pitiful, my friend.
‐ I know.
‐ Nice digs, dude.
Very nice.
Thank you.
‐ You still rocking the jacket.
‐ Yep, yep, I am.
I, I tried switching it up recently but
'twas not the groove.
‐ No. Don't do that. That's your look.
‐ Hey, I'm really sorry about
the late night playlist thing.
That was, um,
not my finest hour.
‐ Yeah, it was a weird move.
‐ I just said that.
Yes, I'm sorry.
That's what I'm trying to say.
‐ It's cool.
I'm sorry, I know I should have replied‐‐
‐ No, no, no, it's totally fine.
‐ It's dope though.
I've been listening.
‐ Oh, yeah?
‐ Yeah.
‐ In order?
‐ Do you think I'm a crazy person?
I learned my lesson many moons ago, Rob:
thou shalt not shuffle
the lady's playlists.
‐ I'm just saying
it's like that for a reason.
There's a story there, man.
‐ Oh, I get it.
It's good to see you, Rob.
‐ Yeah, you too.
‐ I'm sorry we never really talked
after everything went down, you know.
‐ Yeah. Me too.
The whole "moving across the Atlantic"
thing didn't really give me
a "let's talk about it" vibe.
So‐‐
‐ Yeah, well.
You know, I tried to talk to you, Rob,
I tried over and over, but you
don't listen, you never listened.
‐ Oh, I, I never listened?
I nev‐‐ I nev‐‐ Okay. All right.
Interesting.
And, um,
[clears throat]
Lily, she's a, she's a good listener?
‐ Oh, Jesus Christ!
‐ What? No, no, I just wanna know.
She understands you? She nods
at all the right times and stuff?
‐ What do you want, Rob?
‐ I‐‐
I want you to‐‐
I want you to tell me that
it's not serious between you two.
I want you to tell me
that you haven't proposed... yet.
And I want that to be the truth.
‐ Uh‐‐
I can't do that, Rob.
‐ Okay. Okay.
[door slams shut]
[breathing heavily]
Why couldn't I just... ask him?
I asked all the others.
I mean, that's what I went there
to do, right?
And I fucking choked.
Instead, I ask him if he's engaged?
And he's engaged.
Jesus!
♪ David Bowie's It Ain't Easy playing ♪
♪
♪ When you climb
to the top of the mountain ♪
♪ Look out over the sea ♪
What am I trying to figure out?
That I'm doomed to die alone,
and it's my fault?
Or it's not, and it's fate?
Either way, I'm alone.
Either way, there's no Mac.
Either way‐‐
♪ ...strange things circulating round ♪
♪ All the people have got their problems ♪
♪ That ain't nothing new ♪
It's happening.
It's happening.
Well, thanks for tuning in, folks.
Next week on the Sad Lady show,
we're gonna team up
and fight the loneliness together
with cats and cigarettes
and reruns of Murder, She Wrote.
This was a terrible idea.
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy to get to heaven ♪
♪ When you're going down ♪
♪ Well, all the people
have got their problems ♪
♪ That ain't nothing new ♪
♪ But with the help of the good Lord ♪
♪ We can all pull on through ♪
♪ We can all pull on through ♪
♪ Get there in the end ♪
♪ Sometimes it'll take you right up ♪
♪ And sometimes down again ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy to get to heaven ♪
♪ When you're going down ♪