Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): Season 3, Episode 17 - Crabby Author/Rich Kid - full transcript

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.



Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

ARNOLD: "As we left
the little house by the dairy,

"we knew we'd always remember
what we learned
that magic summer.

"You can find
magic everywhere,

"if you just
look hard enough."

The end.

(SIGHING ADORINGLY)

Wonderful, Arnold.

And that was
The Little House By The Dairy

written by...

My favorite writer,
Agatha Caulfield.

Well, now that you've all
picked your favorite writers,

and read their work
to the class,



it's time for you to start
on your reports.

(ALL GROANING)

Come on,
just three pages.

Who is your favorite writer?

What is his or her life like?

And, what makes
him or her special?

Due a week from Monday.

Arnold, it's easy.

Just copy your report
out of the encyclopedia.

No, Gerald, I wanna
do something really special.

Find out
about Agatha Caulfield,

what makes her tick.
I bet she's a really
amazing person.

I'm gonna go to the library,
right now and read everything
I can find about her.

I'm telling you, man,
they've got all that stuff

capsulized
in the encyclopedia.

Capote, Carlyle, um...
Nothing on Caulfield, sorry.

She hasn't sent us
a book in years.

Could you check again?
It's "Caulfield."

C-A-U... Okay,
thanks anyway.

Maybe you should pick
another author.

No, Gerald. I'm doing
my report on Agatha Caulfield.

I'm going to find out
about her,

even if it kills me.

The manager said
she hasn't written a book
in 10 years.

Nobody knows
where she lives, Gerald,

or even if she's still alive.

(ARNOLD SIGHS WEARILY)

It'd take some kind of miracle
for me to find out anything

about Agatha Caulfield.

Arr. Ye been looking for
Hanky Aggie Caulfield,
the writer?

It just might be I know
the whereabouts of her abode.

You mean, you know
where she lives?

Aye, that too.

Where? I've been trying
to find her for almost a week.

I'll tell ye,
but first ye have to hop
up and down on one leg,

and croon Danny Boy
in a high falsetto.

Just kidding, arr.

Aggie Caulfield lives yonder,
on Elk Island.

Could you take me there?

Aye, for five gold doubloons.

I don't have
any gold doubloons.

Then, do ye have
the ruby parrot?

No.
Do you have 50 cents?

I think so.

Deal, arr.

Arnold,
you're one bold kid.

Aggie lives all
by her lonesome.

Never has visitors.

ARNOLD: So, she's
a very private person.

Arr.

Holy crackers!
What?

What do you want?

Are you Agatha Caulfield?

That's right, rat breath.
Now, get off my property.

Um, Ms. Caulfield,
my name is Arnold,

and I have to do a report
on my favorite writer.

And that's you.
I really love all your books.

And if I could just have
a few words with you,

it would really mean
a lot to me. Please?

All right.
I'll give you a few words.

Beat it! Scram! Vamoose!

Stay away from my house
and stay away from me!

Like to hear
a sea shanty?

No.
Arr.

♪ Oh, you beautiful doll

♪ You great, big,
beautiful doll

♪ I don't know the words
And I don't care

♪ Because I'm losing my hair ♪

Come on, Arnold,
sing with me.

No, Grandpa,
I don't feel like it.

Oh, come on now,
what's wrong, short man?

Well, I have to do a report
on my favorite author...

Ooh, I see your problem.

Oh! This is a tough one.

No, that's not
the problem, Grandpa.

You mean it gets worse?

When I went to see her
to get the information
for my report,

it turned out she wasn't
anything like her stories.

She was rude and nasty.

I just don't get it.

Why do people
have to be so mean?

That's a good question.

Reminds me
of an old man I used to know
when I was a kid.

Is this gonna be
a long story, Grandpa?

Yes, but it's full of wisdom
and hilarious anecdotes,
so don't interrupt.

Now, we called this old man
Mr. Hocktooey.

Because, every time
one of us kids
walked by his house,

this mean, old man
would spit at us!

Hock-tooey!

That's how he got his name,
Mr. Hocktooey.

We added the "Mr."
out of respect.

Not that he ever hit us,
being too old to spit too far,

but still it was plenty mean
of him to keep trying.

I wanted to know why.

So, one day I march
right up to his porch,

stared him
straight in the eye

and said, "Why do you always
spit at us, Mr. Hocktooey?"

What'd he say?
Nothing.

He just veered back
and hocked up

a big loogie
right in my face.

He must have been
waiting years for some kid,

dumb enough
to get that close.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, boy.

I don't get it, Grandpa.
What's the point?

The point is
some folks are just mean.

and the only way
you can find out why

is to get real close
to him.

But when you do,
they just spit on you.

And nobody wants
spit on them.

It's yucky, and mushy,
and just ooky.

Kind of makes you think,
don't it?

♪ Oh, you beautiful doll

♪ You great, big,
beautiful doll ♪

I told you,
get off my property!

Scram! Get lost!

I'm not on your property.

And I'm not going anywhere
until you answer
a few questions.

What part of "Get lost"

are you having
trouble understanding,
you little runt?

Why can't you just
talk to me
for a few minutes?

Don't you like kids?

I don't like anybody
or anything,

especially kids,
and especially kids like you.

I haven't done
anything to you,

except like your books
and try to talk to you
so I can do my school report.

You can stay out there
as long as you want,
rat breath.

But, I'm not talking to you
or anybody else.

Stay out there all winter
for all I care!

Maybe I will.

(RINGING)

Arr.
ARNOLD: Arr.

(BELL DINGING)

(WIND BLOWING)

You're not gonna give up,
are you, rat breath?

Huh?

You've been here
every doggone blasted day,

stubborn as a mule,
leaning on my fence post.

Don't think
I haven't seen you.

What in the blue blazes
is it gonna take
to get rid of you?

Answer a few questions,
so I can do my school report?

If I answer your questions,

will you stop moping
around my fence

and leave me alone?

Yes.

Well, what are you
waiting for?

Ask your stupid questions
so you can get out of here.

When did you
first start writing?

1946.

Is your writing based
on personal experience?

Oh, sure.
I spend all my magic days

in a happy little house
by a drippy doodle dairy.

And it's full of angels
and magic genies,

and fairy dust!

Holy crackers!
What a stupid question!

Writers make things up!

It's all a lot of doo-doo.

Well, why did you write
your books then?

Because I felt like lying
to little children,

making up stupid stories
so they go around
believing in miracles,

until they get
old and tired

and realize it's all
a bunch of hooey!

That's not true.

You must have believed
in these stories you wrote.

I can tell.
The way that you said...

Believe me, rat breath,

all those stories I wrote
were nothing but lies!

Made-up nonsense.

Idealistic hoo-ha.
Claptrap.

Now, get out!

Okay. I'll go.

But, I'm not gonna write
about some other writer.

What?
I said I was gonna write

my report
about Agatha Caulfield.

And I'm going to do it.

You mean, I'm still
your favorite writer?

After I yelled at you
and treated you like a dog?

That's right.
What are you, crazy? Why?

Because
you wrote these books.

Because when I read them
they made me happy.

And because even though
you say you don't believe

in all the stuff
that you wrote
in your books,

I know that deep down
you really do believe it.

You couldn't have written
these stories if you didn't.

Maybe you don't believe
in yourself anymore.

If that's really true,

I'm sorry.

But I still believe in you,

and you're still
my favorite author.

(DOOR CLOSES)

"My favorite author,
Agatha Caulfield,

"wrote some of the most
popular children's books
of the last 50 years.

"Unfortunately, Ms. Caulfield
hasn't written a new book
in 10 years.

"She lives alone
in a rundown house
on Elk Island.

"She's not very friendly
and she can be mean
to strangers.

"Even though
her books were all about
hope and bright futures,

"somewhere along the line,
Ms. Caulfield lost confidence
in her own future,

"and became a bitter,
angry person.

"She quit writing
because she stopped
believing in herself,

"but she's still
my favorite author."

Man, Arnold,
what a report!

"My favorite author
is a nasty old bat."

(LAUGHS)

Unbelievable!

Yeah, I just wish things
had turned out different.

That's life, Arnold.

You can't always
make things come out
the way you them want to.

ARNOLD: (SIGHS WEARILY)
Yeah, I guess.

(GASPS)

"The Weird-Headed Boy
And The Mean Old Witch."

"Once upon a time,
there was a boy
with a weird-shaped head,

who believed in magic.

"The little boy
had heard about
a kindly old magician,

"who lived on an island
all by herself.

"But when he found
the kindly old magician,

"the boy discovered
she wasn't kindly at all,

"and she no longer
believed in magic.

"She had become
a mean and nasty old witch.

"The boy was sad,
but he still believed

"that the old witch
wasn't really as bad
as she seemed.

"So, the boy
went back every day,

"and waited outside
the witch's house.

"And the world-weary boatman
looked empathetically at his
young and eager charge,

"and growled in a low
barnacle-encrusted voice,

"'Arr.'"

(SNIFFLES)
Deliver me lumber,

the old bat can
still spin a yarn. Arr.

ARNOLD: "But the old witch
would always remember

"the young visitor
and what she learned from him.

"Even if you're afraid
to go looking for magic,

"magic still may come
looking for you.

"The end."

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

AGATHA: Holy crackers!

Wow, Stinky,
pretty amazing sneakers.

More than sneakers, Arnold,
brand-new...

I saved up my allowance
for 15 months

to pay for half of these.

Too bad you couldn't afford
the deluxe version,
with the chaser light.

Shoot, Gerald, I'd have
to be a dang millionaire
to buy them.

(HONKING)

Who is that?

Judging by his shoes,
I'd say
he's a dang millionaire.

Okay, Lorenzo,
it's the first time
you've been to a public school

but there's nothing
to be nervous about.

Are you sure
you'll be okay?

Sure, Mom,
I'll be okay.

(HAROLD LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

I'll be available
on your phone

and you've got
Dr. Herbert's number, too,
and don't forget,

Peter will be here
to pick you up at 3:25.

You'll have to hurry,

but you'll make it
to your first after-school
appointment.

I've got my schedule
right here, Mom.

Look at me!
I'm all muddy
and I smell!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Well, bye, Mom.

Now, class,
please give a warm welcome

to our new student,
Lorenzo,

who comes to us
from Peavine Academy.

BOTH: Peavine?

Yes, and I'm sure that
you'll all make him feel
right at home.

Now, we were discussing
the moment in 1876,

when Alexander Graham Bell...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.

Uh, Lorenzo, we don't allow
phones in this classroom.

But it's a call,
I have to take it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay. Well, Lorenzo,
you're new to this class,

so I'll allow it this once,
but please be brief.

Uh-huh, Mom,
I have to wrap it up here.

Okay, viola lesson at 5:00.

So, move it up from 5:15?

All right, bye, Mom.

(BEEPS) Sorry.

BOTH: Viola lessons?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, viola boy,

what you working on?
Are you running
some kind of business?

Well, sort of.

I use this to check
my stock sometimes.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hi, Dr. Herbert.

I wonder if I could have
a few minutes alone
with Dr. Herbert?

It's my scheduled time
with our family therapist.

Why don't you call him
after recess?

No. See, after recess
we have two hours of class.

And the rest of the day
looks pretty bad.

See, then when I get out of
my junior investment club,

it's viola lessons till 6:00.

Then, my nutritionist
will arrive to fix dinner.

Willikers!

Then I read a book.
Then 15 minutes
of flash cards,

a half hour of TV at 8:00.
Then bed.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Now, that's one busy boy.

Busy? He's a freak.

I mean,
look at that schedule.

When do you
have any fun?

I tried to schedule
some fun last month,

but I had to cancel it.

Lorenzo,
don't you ever just,
you know, goof off?

"Goof off"?
SID: Do nothing?

Hang out?
Shoot the breeze?

Be a kid?

"Be a kid"?
I've never really been asked
that question before.

Criminy! He's hopeless.

Okay, time to stop gawking
at gadget boy.

Let's play kickball now.

(ALL AGREEING)

Dr. Herbert? Dr. Herbert?
(DIALTONE HUMS)

Wanna play kickball
with us, Lorenzo?

Oh, no, no.

During recess, I always
review my ancient Greek
flash cards.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

Hello? Mom?
Are you there?

Okay. Well, call me back
as soon as you can.

Peter is three minutes late
picking me up,

and I'm afraid
I'm going to be late
for my junior investment club.

Now, he's three
and a half minutes late.

I'll call you back
in two minutes.

Lorenzo, how's it going?

Fine. (STAMMERING)
I'm fine.

It's okay that my ride
is three minutes late,

and my investment club
will have already started.

That makes me late
for my viola and... And...

Oh, my whole schedule
will be messed up now!

Wait, slow down, Lorenzo,
you sound like
you're 30 years old.

Oh, thank you.
No.

You see,
that wasn't a compliment.

What I'm saying is
you're acting like
you're 30 years old,

but you're not.
You're nine.
You're a kid.

Arnold, I don't know
what you're talking about.

All I know is
my schedule is...

Your schedule
is driving you crazy.

Look at yourself,
you've got a beeper
in one hand,

a cell phone in the other,
and you look at your watch
every five seconds.

You're a mess.

I guess, I am
a little stressed out.

Your problem is
you don't know
how to be a kid.

I don't?
Look, Lorenzo,

what you need to do
is put away your phones
and beepers and all that stuff

and just hang out with us
for one afternoon.

One whole afternoon
of spontaneous,
unorganized fun.

Hmm, spontaneous,
unorganized fun?

That sounds intriguing,

if we properly schedule
and organize it.

Lorenzo, it's just
not like that.

I'm talking no schedule.
Just unplanned fun.

Well...
(CAR HONKS)

What have you got to lose?

(SIGHING) Okay.
I'll try.

Tomorrow, after school,
I'll come and, uh...

What is it you keep saying?
"Hang out" with you guys.

Oh, no, Arnold.

You didn't possibly offer
to help Lorenzo, did you?

I told him to skip
all his appointments

and hang out with us
after school.

(ALL GROANING)

That plan
really bites, Arnold.

We can take away
all his hi-tech stuff

and show him
how to have fun.

And for the first time
in his life,

he'll understand
what it's like to be a kid.

ARNOLD: Your schedule
is driving you crazy.

Look at yourself,
you've got a beeper
in one hand,

a cell phone in the other,
and you look at your watch
every five seconds.

You're a mess.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

(CAR HONKS)

So, are you ready, Lorenzo?

Oh, yeah, right. You know,
I've been thinking,

and I'm not sure this whole
kid afternoon thing

is such a great idea.

Lorenzo, you promised me
you were going to do this.

Yeah. (STAMMERING) But...
You can do it.

Give me the beeper,
give me the cell phone.

What's that thing?
Give it to me too.

Peter, I won't be going
to my next few appointments.

I'll leave this with you.

Okay, Lorenzo,
we've got a lot
of work to do.

(KIDS CHATTERING)

Throw! Throw!

He's got flash cards
in ancient Greek,

but he's never played
a single game of baseball?

There's something kind of...

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

...about a kid
who's never played baseball.

A guy in a chef's hat.

A Mr. Fudgy.

A Scottish terrier.

LORENZO:
Rising cumulonimbus
formations?

Hot dang, I got one.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

ALL: Run!

Mmm, artificial colorings
and flavorings?

Why do you eat this?

Uh, 'cause it's good.

What I like to do
is smear some
around my mouth,

and then lick it off later
after I finish the rest.

Yeah, I like to eat them
in one bite.

(YELLS)

Brain freeze!
I hate this!

(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, it hurts, Mommy!

I don't get it,
what's so funny?

How're you doing, Lorenzo?
It's no use.

I'll never learn
how to be a kid.

Come on, Lorenzo,
you're just getting started.

Don't give up hope.

Come on, you bunch
of wussy babies!

(LAUGHS)

Hey, bubba, watch this!

(ALL LAUGHING)

You guys don't want me
to actually walk across
this pipe, do you?

Go ahead,
you can do it.

What if I fall?

It's only mud, Lorenzo.

You can do it.

Arnold,
this is pointless.

It's not only dangerous,
all we're going to accomplish
is to get muddy and smelly.

Where is the fun in that?

Whoa...

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL MUTTERING)

Whoa, look at me.

I'm all muddy and...

(SNIFFS)

I smell!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

How does it feel, Lorenzo?

I'm a kid!

I'm a kid!
LORENZO'S MOM: Lorenzo!

Where have you been?
Did they hurt you?
Are you okay?

Yeah, Mom, I'm fine.
I'm fine.

What are you talking about?
You're covered in mud!

You've missed
all your appointments...

But it was great!

I threw rocks
in the dumpster.

I played baseball.

I looked at the clouds.

I ate food
with no nutritional value.

Mom, for the first time ever,
I felt like a real kid.

This is terrible.
I'm gonna call Dr. Herbert.

Mom, calm down.

Don't do this to me
in front of my friends.

Your friends?

I like these kids.
I like this school.

I wanna stay at P.S. 118.

(SIGHS) Okay, Lorenzo.

I sense your passion
about this,

and we'll discuss it
at our family production
meeting on Monday.

Okay.

Time to go, Lorenzo.

Thanks, Arnold.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Right.

See you tomorrow, Arnold.

I might be running
a little late.

Take the highway, Peter.
We're behind schedule.

Well, Arnold,
Lorenzo is back
on schedule.

One small step
at a time, Gerald.

Whatever you say, Arnold.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

HELGA: Let's go spit
in the river.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)