Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): Season 2, Episode 6 - Ransom/Ms. Perfect - full transcript

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.



Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING ON TV)

♪ Wally loves you

♪ All you little girls
and boys

♪ Wally loves you

♪ And he loves it
when you buy his toys

♪ He loves to see
your happy faces

♪ So buy his sheets
and pillowcases

♪ Buy his ribbons
for your hair

♪ And buy
his fuzzy underwear

♪ Buy a Wally salad spinner

♪ Eat a Wally TV dinner

♪ Tell your dad
to tell your mom



♪ To buy a Wally CD-ROM

(SINGING ALONG)

♪ Wally loves you

♪ All you little girls
and boys

♪ Wally loves you

♪ And he loves it
when you buy his toys ♪

Bye-bye, kids.
See ya tomorrow.

Bye, Wally.
See you tomorrow.

This show just keeps getting
better and better.

WALLY: This week Carlos Fagan
asks, "Is there life
on other planets?

"If so, do they keep kosher?"

Anyone wanna play with me?

Not now, Timberly,
we're busy.

(DICE CLICKING)

All right, my guess.

Colonel Dijon

did it in the breakfast nook
with his bare hands.

Nope. Good try, though.

Gerald, can I play?

You're not old enough.
Are you winning?

Well, no.
Whose winning then?

No one's winning,
the game doesn't
work like that.

Is Arnold winning?
No. No one's winning.

Is Sid winning?
No!

No one is winning.

Is it a tie?

(CREAKING)
Yes, Timberly.
It's a tie.

If it's a tie,
then why are
you so mad?

Oh, I'm not mad.

You seem mad to me.
(SHOUTING)
I'm not mad.

I think you're mad
because you're losing.

(SCREAMING)
I'm not mad
and I'm not losing.

Now, go away
and let us
play our game.

Why can't I play?

It's a detective game.

And you wouldn't
understand it.

(WHIMPERS)
Now, go away.

Fine, Gerald,
I hope you lose.

(SIGHS WEARILY)
Man, little sisters.

(DICE CLICKING)

Professor Ron Humbolt
did it in the tool shed
with the dental floss.

TIMBERLY: Help! Help!
Come quick!

Timberly,
what's wrong?

He's gone.

What?
What's gone?

Wally. I left him
right on the window.

(ENGINE REVS)

You're sure
you left him there?

I'm positive.
And now he's gone.

(SOBBING)
He's been kidnapped.

That's the stupidest
thing I ever heard.

Who would kidnap
a stuffed alligator?

Some kind of
criminal did it.

It'll be okay,
Timberly.

You guys gotta
help me find him.

Timberly, he's not
kidnapped.

I'm sure you just
misplaced him.

You're mean.
(SOBBING)

I'm telling you, man,
you're lucky.

Little sisters
are a real pain.

Aren't you being
a little hard on her?

No way.

Every day it's,
"Gerald, can I play?

"Gerald, when's my turn?

"Gerald, can I come along?"

Man!

Look, look!

It's true.
They really took
my Wally.

(READING)

Oh, come on!

And, look,
there's a photo.

GERALD: This could've
been taken weeks ago.

No, look at
the newspaper
in the photo.

June 17th,
it was taken today.

See? He was kidnapped.

Wow. I guess
you're right.

Will you help me
find him?

Please, Gerald.
Please.

Ah, Tim, we were
gonna go play baseball.

Gerald, come here
for a sec.

Listen, I don't know
what's going on
with this doll.

But it looks like
this is really important
to your sister.

But, Arnold,
I mean she's...
Look at her.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Oh, all right.
I guess so.

So, how we going
to find him?

Well, whoever did this,
we know two things
about him.

What's that?

One:
He means business.

And two:
He flunked spelling.

Let's get to work.

(LEAVES RUSTLING)

What are
we looking for, Arnold?

Anything at all.

Anything that might
give us a lead.

Hey, I found
something.

Ah, Timberly,
that's just
a piece of trash.

No, Gerald,
don't you get it?

A candy wrapper.

It all forms a pattern.

First the ransom note.
Now this.

Exactly.

This could only
be the work
of one person.

BOTH: Chocolate Boy.

Who's Chocolate Boy?

Here's the deal.

You chase him
down the alley,
I'll cut off his escape.

What do I get to do?

Timberly, you're
the most important
one of all.

If Wally turns up,
you have to identify him.

(WHINES) I hope
he's still alive.

Come on,
let's do it.

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

GERALD: Not so fast,
Chocolate Boy.

We gotta
talk to you.

I didn't do it,
I swear.

Know anything
about an alligator
named Wally?

Blue, fuzzy,
about a foot long.

I don't know nothing.

He knows, Arnold.
He's just not talking.

Maybe a Malto Melt ball
might change your mind.

(SLURPS)

Uh-uh-uh,
not so fast.

Word is you left
a Caramel Crunchy wrapper

in some bushes
on Prince Street.

Yeah, I was there.
So what?

I don't know
nothing about
no blue alligator.

What time
were you there?

I don't remember.

(CHOMPS)

About 4:00 yesterday.
Jolly Olly Man was
just clearing out.

You see
anyone else around?

I don't know. My memory
is getting kinda fuzzy.

(CHOMPS)

Oh, yeah,
now I remember.
That fat kid.

You know, always wears
a baseball cap, tiny shirt,

belly button sticking out,
he was there.

BOTH: Harold.

GERALD:
Come on, man.
Let's get on it.

All right. Keep your face
clean, Chocolate Boy.

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(BICYCLE BELL DINGING)

Being a detective,
sure is a lot of fun.

(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)

(RESTAURANT BELL RINGS)

All right,
let's be careful
when he's eating.

What gives?

What's in the bag,
Slim?

None of your business.

Open it, Gerald.

You oughta be
ashamed of yourself,
Harold.

Taking a toy from
an innocent little kid.

What do you mean?
That's mine.

Yours? Aren't you a bit
too old to be carrying
around a furry doll?

Hey, look. I got
a sensitive side,
all right?

What do you say,
Timberly?

It's not mine.
On mine, the stuffing's
coming out of the tail.

And, plus, this one
looks like the eye
was bitten off.

I was hungry.

Okay, he checks out.

Not so fast, Slim.

What were you doing
on Prince Street
yesterday about 4:00?

The Jolly Olly Man
came through.

I heard the music.
I bought a Creamsicle.

You're gonna sue me
for that?

Anyone else there?

Curly was there.
Threw a temper tantrum

because he didn't have
enough change to get
his licorice sticks.

Very interesting.

Can I go now?
You guys are bugging me.

All right,
hit the road, Slim.

Oh, fellas,
one more thing...

You call me Slim
one more time,

and I'll knock
your teeth out.

You can't get away
with this.

He did it.
I know he did it.

We got the goods
on you, Curly.

So, you might as well
just confess.

I ain't confessing
to nothing.

Where were you about 4:00
yesterday afternoon?

None of your business.

He's our man, Arnold.

He's just the kind of
creep that would take
a stuffed animal

from an innocent
little girl.
Yeah.

What are you
talking about?

4:00 yesterday.
The Jolly Olly Man rolls by,

you're out of change,
you can't get
your licorice sticks,

you're desperate.

But then you see
the Wally doll in the
window and you grab it.

Figure you'll get rid of it
fast for a quick payoff.

But then,
you started thinking,

this is a first-class doll,
tight-woven fur,
double-stitched at the tail.

The way you see it,
if you play your cards right,

you can make
some big candy.

Real big candy.

Ha! What a couple
of saps.

You got it all wrong.

Yeah, I like licorice,
so what?

Kidnapping's not my game.
Too messy.

Then where were you,
handsome?

Okay, okay. I'll tell you.

But, you gotta keep it
under your hat, see.

We'll see about that.

I don't think
you're in a position
to bargain.

I was at a ballet lesson.

4:00.
Madame Bovary's
School for Boys.

Ballet lesson?
Oh, come on.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Plie.

Jete. See, I ain't joking.

(CHUCKLES)
Hey, he's pretty good.

All right,
his story checks out.

Sorry we haven't
found Wally yet.

Gerald, I gotta
tell you something.

What's that?

Promise you won't get mad?

Sure, Tim.

I had a lot of fun
being a detective
with you and Arnold.

You did?
Yeah.

Thanks for taking me along.

Huh, no problem.
I just hope we find Wally.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

GERALD: Well,
tomorrow is the day.

I really thought,
we had our man today.

Uh, we'll just
have to pay up.

Pay up? (SCOFFS)
Are you kidding!

Where am I gonna
get that kinda candy?

There's always Big Gino.

(SCOFFS) No way.

I do that and I'll be
paying interest

at 20 jelly beans a day
for the rest of my life.

Well, we're gonna
need to do something.

If the kidnapper
doesn't get his candy,

who knows
what could happen.

(BIRD CAWING)

Can you see from there?

Perfect. Now, come on,
it's almost 3:00.

All right, what do
we do now?
We wait.

GERALD: See anyone coming?

No, but, there's
a Canadian grackle on one
of the branches up there.

Is this a stake out
or a meeting
of the Audubon Society?

Hey, Gerald, look.

Come on, let's go.

Stop right there.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Back off,
I've got a magic wand.

Timberly?

Presto... You're buzz frog.

Timberly, give me
that wand.

No, get away!
Be gone!

I can't believe it.
You're the kidnapper?

Frog, frog, frog.
(WAND BUZZING)

Don't do that.

You made us go through
all this worrying,
running around,

staying up late
and you took it yourself?

How could you do
something like this?

(WAILS)
I don't know.

Oh, no.
Don't start crying now.

(TIMBERLY SOBS)
Gerald.

It's okay.

I'm sorry. I just
wanted to play detective
with you guys.

Well, I guess you got
what you wanted.

Tell you what,
next time we play
a game like that,

you can be on my team.

Really?
Sure.

Sorry I lied.
I understand.

Now, let's get
your bike and go home.

Hey, there's no candy
in here.

You were gonna trick me.

(CHUCKLES)
Didn't think
about that, huh?

I can't believe you.
(GERALD LAUGHS)

You're mean!

GERALD: I know you're not
talking to me.

TIMBERLY:
Big brothers
are a real pain.

GERALD: I can't stand
little sisters.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Class, who invented
the cotton gin?

Mr. Eli Whitney
in 1793.

He also invented the idea
of interchangeable parts
for machines,

which led to our modern
conception of mass production.

SIMMONS: Very good, Phoebe.

You always seem to be
the first to answer.

And for that, I want
you to know
that you are very...

special.
(YAWNING)

Same old thing,
day after day.

History, math,
English and science.

D'oy! When's something new
gonna happen around here?

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

People, people.
People.

I have an announcement
to make.

We have a new student
joining our class.

Her name is Lila.

And she has just
moved into town
from the country.

I'm sure you'll all
make her feel welcome.

Hello. I'm very glad
to meet you

and, um, to be
in your class.

Oh, man,
talk about green.

RHONDA: Look at her,
sitting all by herself.

She has no idea
what to do
or how to act.

Or do anything.

Well, I guess we're just
gonna have to take her
under our wing

and teach her the ropes.

What's your deal?

Well, we just moved here
from Pleasantville.

That's a farm community.

It's my first time in the city
and I don't know anyone...

Yeah, yeah.
Okay, look,
you're new,

so let me explain
a few things to you.

You've got
a lot to learn, Lila.

We run things
around here.

Me, Rhonda, Phoebe
and all the other girls.

We all got our own
territory cut out for us.

If you want to fit in,
better learn the ropes.

Well, I sure do
want to fit in.

Gosh, I just want to
so much...

Whoa! Hold the phone,
sister, sure you wanna fit in,

but nobody fits in
just like that.

Fitting in takes time.
It takes finesse.

(GASPS) It takes figuring out
the who, whats, whys,
whens and where fors.

You gotta crawl
before you walk

and you gotta walk
before you run.
Follow me, Lulu?

Lila.
Whatever.

Well, gee, I'm sure
willing to learn.

That's a start,
but only a start.

The start of
a long, hard road.

Look, Lila, the girls
and I wanna help you,

but you gotta understand
it's gonna take time

for you to get the hang
of this place.

Uh-huh.

And a lot longer
to make any real
good friends.

Two years.
One if you're lucky.

Hi, Lila, wanna play
kickball with us?

Sure.

Poor kid.

And this is where I keep
my highlighters.

Don't worry,
you'll get organized...
eventually.

Just be patient.

Who can tell me
the inventor
of the telegraph?

Samuel Morse in 1840.

SIMMONS:
Very good, Lila.

Huh? (STUTTERS)
But...but I knew that.

Wait till the sixth-grade
girls see my new outfit.

I just know
they'll be impressed.

Oh, what
a beautiful ensemble.

Oh, thank you, I...

It emphasizes the girl
not the dress.

Thanks.

I actually
made it myself.

(RHONDA GASPS)

I can't believe it.

Don't eat that
or that.

And, whatever you do,
stay away from
the mystery meat.

I'm sure it's delicious.

Well, thank you...

Lila.
LUNCH LADY: Lila.

Finally,
a little appreciation
around here.

Listen, you don't
want to get too chummy
with the lunch ladies,

they'll turn on you.

You can take
an extra dessert

anytime you want,
honey.

HELGA: Look at her.

She's here two days
and it's like she runs
the place.

Who does she think
she is anyway?

HELGA: Little Ms. Perfect.

And then she said,
"Whatever you do,
don't smell that cow."

(ALL LAUGHING)

She sure is nice.

And a real
snappy dresser.

I think
I'm in love.

Don't worry,
we'll fix her wagon.

By the time
we get through
with her,

she won't be
Little Ms. Perfect
no more.

Okay...

RHONDA: This'll be great.

Sixteen pounds
of kiwi jell-o.

She wants
extra dessert,

she's gonna get
extra dessert.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Shh.
Here she comes.

(GASPS)

(CREAKING)

SIMMONS: Oh, Lila,

we've given you
a new locker assignment
closer to your class.

It's just
down the hall.

Thank you,
Mr. Simmons.

They reassigned
her locker?

If she's got
a new locker,

then who's got
her old locker?

(LOUD FOOTSTEPS)

(LOCK CREAKING)
HELGA: No, wait.

It was a joke. A gag.
A whacky little prank.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(POUNDING)

(GIRLS LAUGH EVILLY)

RHONDA: Yeah,
it's time to get her.

HELGA:
Little Ms. Lila's lunch.

A bologna sandwich,
farm-fresh milk
and a shiny McIntosh apple.

Rhonda?

Rubber lunch meat.

Phoebe?
Lukewarm pickle juice.

My research shows
that Lila absolutely abhors
the taste of pickles.

(LAUGHS CUNNINGLY)

And the piece de resistance.

The old wax fruit trick.

I've got a bologna sandwich,
milk and a McIntosh apple.

What do you have?
A cucumber sandwich,

vegetable crudites
and a mango-guava spritzer.

Would you like to trade?
Sure.

I'll get us some napkins.

No! Don't eat that!

Why not?

Because it's, uh...
It's...

rubber bologna
and pickle juice
and wax fruit. (SIGHS)

Did you do this?

Me?

No. Uh, why would
I do that to you?

I mean, you're
so big and powerful

and, uh, I'm so...
small and dainty.

In the broom closet,
right?

(POUNDING)

Okay, no more amateur hour.

This time, we're really
gonna get Little Ms. Lila.
And I mean good.

ALL: Yeah.

Phoebe,
you're position one.

Rhonda,
position two.

Hi, Lila, I saved a seat
especially for you.

Thanks, Helga.
Hey, what are
friends for.

Here you go, Lila.

Why thank you,
ever so much.

(LAUGHS SLYLY)
Yeah, you're welcome.

(BEEPS)

The eagle has landed.

Check.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Oh, man,
we got her good.

(ALL CONTINUE LAUGHING)

You know, Lila,
this meat substitute tastes
almost like the real thing.

Doesn't it?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, you sure
are quiet tonight.

Something wrong?

(SIGHING GRIMLY)
No, Daddy, I'm okay.

She was completely
covered.

Total humiliation.

A perfectly
executed plan.

SIMMONS: Okay, class,

before we start,
I have a note
from Lila's father.

She won't be in school today
for personal reasons.

Probably still trying
to get the meat sauce
out of her hair.

Could I have a volunteer

to take Lila's
homework assignment
to her after school?

I'll do it, Mr. Simmons.

SIMMONS: All right, Helga,
that's very nice of you.

Man, what a dump.

I assumed Ms. Perfect
would live in a more
luxurious domicile.

Uh...
We'll wait outside
for you, Helga.

(POLICE SIREN BLARES)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

That's very kind of you
to bring Lila's
homework assignments.

Would you
like to come in?

Well, maybe
just for a minute.

(LILA SOBBING)

LILA'S DAD:
Lila, there's someone
here to see you.

...and she's all
broken up about it,

crying her eyes out.

She still smelled
like cream spinach.

(LAUGHS) Isn't it great?

(LILA SOBBING)

(LILA SNIFFLING)

I never wanna go
back to school again.

All I ever wanted to do
is fit in and make friends.

I just wanted them
to like me.

Oh, don't worry,
honey.

Hey, any minute now,
my new job's gonna
come through

and then...
(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.
(INDISTINCT VOICE ON PHONE)

Yes, Mr. Mitchell, I...

What's that?

I didn't get the job.

Well...

Thanks anyway.

Goodbye.

Don't worry
about dinner, Daddy.

We've still got
one can of beans
left in the fridge.

No, we don't.
(SIGHING IN DESPAIR)

I ate 'em for lunch.

(SOBS)

There, there, Daddy.

(SOBS)

What are we?
Animals?

How could
we treat her like that?

How could we be
so mean?

The poor kid, lying in there
scared and miserable.

(SCREAMING)
And it's all
our fault.

PHOEBE: Helga...

She wasn't so bad.
She was just trying
to be nice.

And she just
wanted to fit in.

Helga.
...and we tormented her.

PHOEBE: Helga...
(SOBS BITTERLY)

Helga!

Sorry, but you were
getting hysterical.

(SNIFFLES)
Thanks, Phoebe.

Listen, we gotta do
something.

We've gotta
make it up to Lila.

(ALL MURMURING)

So, um,
what we came to say is...

Sorry, Lila.

We didn't
mean to hurt you.

Well, actually, we did.

But, afterwards,
we felt really
bad about it.

ALL: Yeah, we're sorry.

Our actions were petty

and most likely motivated
by deep-seated insecurities
within ourselves.

So, if you can find it
in your heart
to forgive us,

maybe we could
start over
and be friends.

What do you say?

That's all I ever wanted
in the first place.

I forgive you.

Come on, girls,
group hug.

ALL: Aww...
(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.
(INDISTINCT VOICE ON PHONE)

Yes, Mr. Mitchell.

You changed your mind?

I got the job.

That's...great.

Lila, I got the job.

That's great, Daddy.

...and then she said,
"Whatever you do,
don't sell that goat."

(ALL LAUGHING)

HELGA: Well, everything's
back to normal.

She's Little Ms. Perfect
again.

She's funny and smart
and pretty and popular.

And you know
what the worst part is?

I like her.

ALL: Yeah, me, too.

(MUSIC PLAYING)