Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): Season 1, Episode 5 - 6th Grade Girls/The Baseball - full transcript
Arnold's about to find out...because tonight, he just might get a kiss from a sixth-grade girl.
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(CAPTIVATING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
You think they're
looking at us?
It's us, man. They're
looking right at us.
They must be at least
in the sixth grade.
I'm telling you,
Arnold.
They're checking us out.
How do you know?
Maybe they just think
we're goofs, or something.
Arnold, I know.
And believe me,
the last thing
they think we are
are goofs.
Look at those goofs.
I know.
They're kind
of cute, though,
in a goofy sort of way.
At least
they're not jerks
like Tommy and Burt.
Get off me,
you moron!
Don't call me a moron!
Moron!
(SPLASHES)
Some boyfriends.
Where do they get off,
busting the radar
to look such and whatnot?
No duh.
I bet we could
make 'em come over.
The goofs?
You think?
You're bad, Maria, I swear.
See, I told you,
they want us
to come over there.
Are you sure?
Come on, Arnold.
Older women!
What do we got to lose?
Now act casual.
Hey, ladies.
How're you doin'?
Hey, how's
you doin'?
So, you live
around here?
Yeah, we
live around here.
You live around here?
ARNOLD: Yeah.
Yeah, we live
around here.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So what grade
are you in?
Uh, we're in the...
The sixth grade.
You guys are kind of short
to be in the sixth grade,
you know?
Yeah, well...
You know how it is.
We never ate
our vegetables.
Yeah, yeah,
that's right.
No cauliflower for us.
It stunted our growth.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, Maria!
Come over here!
Hey, vato,
why don't you
come over here?
Come over here!
Come over here!
Oh, forget you!
Forget you!
(SPLASHES)
Hey, Maria,
conference.
What do you think
they're saying?
I don't know,
sixth-grade girl stuff.
Just stay cool.
Me?
You stay cool.
Do you guys want
to go to a dance
Saturday night?
Huh?
Well, sure,
we can do that.
Right, Arnold?
Yeah, we could do that.
Pick us up at 6:30.
That's my address,
and por favor,
don't be late.
Okay.
Bye.
(THUMPS)
Thank you!
ARNOLD: Thank you?
(CHUCKLING)
This really ought
to cheese 'em off.
Yeah, they'll be
watchin' us hanging out
with those cute little chicos
and it'll make 'em locos.
BURT: Maria!
Come over here!
Maria!
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Hey, happenin' dude.
I got us some
funky threads.
Huh?
I found this
in my attic.
This is my dad's
Jayden trunk.
It's got
everything we need.
See?
Nehru jacket,
platform shoes,
puka shells,
cologne eau de oeuf,
and this.
Cool Moves
fo' Happenin' Dudes?
Arnold, these are
sophisticated ladies.
If we act
like we usually do,
they'll know
we're squares.
With this book, we'll
be the coolest kids
at the dance.
And listen, if you want
to be a happenin' dude,
you need to
learn the lingo.
For instance, when you
introduce yourself
to a young lady,
try this line.
"Hey, mama, you are
one out-of-sight
freaky chick."
Let me see that.
The happenin' dude
is always cool
and knows
the right thing to say.
Uh, I don't know, Gerald.
Maybe we should
call this off.
Call it off?
Are you kidding?
Listen, Arnold.
All our lives we've
been looked down on.
'Cause we
were too little
or too young
or too immature.
But tonight, we've got
our chance to be big shots.
We've got a chance
to wow a six-grade girl.
That's a chance
that only comes along
once in a lifetime.
And I say we take it.
Who knows?
We might
even get a kiss.
GERALD: So what do you say?
You with me, man?
You're right, Gerald.
By the end of the night,
I'm gonna get a kiss
from a sixth-grade girl.
Now you're talking.
Let me see that book.
Far-out dance steps
for swingin' hipsters.
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
MAN: Yeah?
Uh, is Maria here?
You're pretty short
for sixth graders.
Well, we didn't
eat our vegetables.
It stunted
our growth.
No cauliflower for us.
(CHUCKLING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Sir?
MAN: Nuts.
GERALD: No, thanks.
That's okay.
I'll pass.
Oh, man.
Maria,
come over here!
(ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
So, you guys ready?
I didn't know
we're gonna take a cab.
What does the book say?
Transportation.
GERALD: Buses,
trains, rickshaws... Cabs!
A happenin' dude always
pays his foxy lady's cab fare.
(GROANS)
Aw, man.
How much
money you got?
(TIRES SCREECH)
Community center.
$6.90.
(RHYTHMIC INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
Dig the vibe, man.
Act cool.
Huh?
Page 18.
Come on, vato.
Let's cruise.
I'm cool.
Yo, Gerald.
Let's go.
I'm hip to that,
pretty mama.
Out of sight.
Hey, Tommy, look.
There's Connie and Maria.
Hey. Who
they with?
Looks like a couple
of shrimpy guys.
What goes on here?
Hey, Maria,
who's the shrimp?
Buzz off, Tommy.
I'm with my date, you know?
But, Maria!
What goes on?
I need some punch.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, do you
guys dance?
Dance?
Match, babe.
Me and Gerald are hip
to the groove, foxy mama.
Dynomite!
Remember our moves, man.
I'm cool.
(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)
(LAUGHING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hit me again,
Melvin.
CONNIE: So,
where did you guys
learn to dance, anyway?
Well, you know,
happenin' dudes like us,
we just pick up
the groove you dig.
Yes, we're cool,
cheeky mama.
You guys crack me up.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yo, Connie,
don't look now.
But those stupidos
are checking us out.
I bet they're
really cheesed off.
Boy, I'm really
cheesed off.
Who do they think
they are, anyway?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I think we're doing
pretty good. Don't you?
Yeah. They have no idea
we're only fourth-graders.
This is shapin' up to be
the greatest night
of our lives, Arnold.
Yeah. All we
gotta do is stay cool.
MARIA: Escucha me, listen.
Connie and me gotta
go visit the powder room.
But we'll be right back.
Don't dance with
anyone else, okay?
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
Hit me again, Melvin.
I think perhaps
you've had enough.
I'll tell you when
I've had enough!
Hit me!
Arnold, this
is going great.
And I can't
believe it.
Gerald, tonight,
I'm gonna
get that kiss.
Get that what?
So, you two punks think
you can steal our girls, huh?
Maybe it's time
we teach you
a lesson.
Hey, we didn't
do anything!
Yeah, we just came
to dig the vibes
and to hang out.
Hang out with
our girlfriends,
you mean.
Yeah, maybe
we should
hang youse out.
ALL: (CHANTING) Fight!
(CROWD CHANTING)
Look, you're dudes,
we're dudes.
Can't we just
work something out?
Sure. We can
work something out.
How about we work
your arm out of its socket?
Yeah, and we beat 'em
over the head with it.
MARIA: Hey, you guys!
What goes on here?
(CROWD GASPING)
Nothing.
It don't look
like nothing.
We were
just talking.
Tommy, you
let him go now!
Yeah, you too, Burt.
I just wanna say,
I'm disgusted
with the two of you.
We're sorry, Maria.
Yeah,
we're sorry,
Connie.
We're just jealous.
That's all.
It's true.
Whatever, just...
You get out of here.
Go wait for us
at the bus stop.
(CROWD CLAMORING)
No-good
big-shot boyfriends.
And what are
you geeks looking at?
The show's over.
(CHATTERING)
Yo, I'm sorry we led
you guys on, you know?
'Cause you're
real cute, and all.
Except, I don't know why,
but we still
got this thing
for Tommy and Burt.
Yeah. A thing.
I don't know why, either.
So, you were just
playing with us?
You didn't
really like us?
It's not that
we don't like you.
Yeah, yeah,
we like you.
I mean,
you're pretty cool
for fourth-graders.
It's just, you're
fourth-graders,
you know?
(SOLEMN INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. Hey, come on.
Before you know it,
you'll be grown up.
And all the girls
will be looking at you.
CONNIE: Yeah.
And if you stay
as sweet as you are now,
who knows? Maybe Maria and me
will be looking at you, too.
Really?
It could happen.
Yeah.
So, thanks for
taking us to the dance.
Yeah.
TOMMY: Maria,
come over here.
Tommy, you
come over here.
See you later,
chicky baby.
(YELLING)
Just come over here!
Why are you
always doing that?
TOMMY: Doing what?
MARIA: That thing
you always do.
TOMMY: I ain't doing nothing.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRACKLING)
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHOOSHES)
(GRUNTS)
Strike one,
head boy.
Sheesh, what
a wussy swing.
HELGA: Okay, move in.
This guy can't hit.
Just you and me, Arnold.
Your old stick
against my brand-new
triple-stitched imitation
major league baseball.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(GRUNTS)
Strike two!
Come on, Arnold.
Paste it, man!
Ooh, Arnold.
Who do you
think you are?
Mickey Kaline,
or something?
Yeah, that's right.
I'm Mickey Kaline.
(GRUNTS)
(THUMPS)
(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
ALL: Wow!
ALL: Wow!
My ball. My ball!
(CRYING)
My brand-new ball!
Man, Arnold.
That was great!
I just pretended
I was Mickey Kaline
and "bam,"
I hit it.
There's one thing
I don't get.
Who's Mickey Kaline?
Who's Mickey Kaline?
You gotta be kidding!
Uh... no?
(SIGHS WEARILY)
Now you've
done it, man.
(WHIRRING)
This is
Mickey Kaline.
He's my favorite player
of all time.
Five hundred and thirty
three home runs,
lifetime batting
average of 299...
One point below 300.
Mickey married
his high-school
sweetheart Shirley,
wears a size 13 shoe
and goes by
the nickname "Chet."
Mickey Kaline is
the greatest baseball player
who ever lived.
MAN: Kaline's a bum!
Huh?
What's going on?
Kaline's striking out again.
What else is new?
COMMENTATOR:
I'll tell you what.
It's a sad thing to see, Jay.
This once-great slugger
is now just a mere shadow
of his former self.
Boy, I hate to see
Kaline go out like this.
What's he
talking about?
Haven't you heard?
Mickey Kaline's retiring.
(GASPS)
What?
No way!
Tomorrow
is his last game
and the day after that,
the team starts to win.
COMMENTATOR:
Strike three and the big man
goes down swinging.
The world may never see
another Mickey Kaline.
You hear that,
Gerald?
Tomorrow's Mickey
Kaline's last game.
We gotta go.
But how? We don't
have any money.
I'll get the money, Gerald.
Somehow, some way.
You'll see.
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Hey, what's
eating you, short man?
Mickey Kaline is retiring.
That old fat guy?
I thought
he was dead.
No, Grandpa.
He's still alive.
But, tomorrow
is his last game,
and I don't have
enough money to go.
Say, what about
the money you got
from that
dog-washing business?
Yeah.
I forgot about that.
Man, I hope there's
still something left.
I've got enough!
Thanks, Grandpa.
You think of everything!
(CHUCKLING)
All it takes
to make a kid happy
is an extra five bucks.
Hey, wait a minute!
I had
a fifty in here!
Arnold, come back!
So how much
have you got?
Enough for a couple
of cheap bleacher seats.
I had more, but Grandpa
took back his $50 bill.
Hey, as long as I get
a nice, big jumbo frank,
maybe some peanuts...
No, Gerald.
All we've got
is enough for the tickets.
And maybe
one hot dog.
One hot dog?
That really bites, man.
MAN: Yo, unless you
want some
a little cheaper.
Two tickets,
half price. Eh?
ARNOLD: Let's see. Section Q.
Section Q.
Excuse me, sir.
Can you tell us
where our seats are?
(CHUCKLING)
COMMENTATOR:
Another solid base hit,
and the score is
all knotted up.
How lucky this crowd
must feel to be witnessing
such an amazing game!
ARNOLD:
Can you see anything?
GERALD: Yeah, one of
those little dots
is running past one
of those other little dots.
(GROWLING)
(THUDDING)
It can't get
any worse than this, Gerald.
Did some plaster
just fall on my head?
Come on, Arnold.
Crack a smile.
You're right, Gerald.
Maybe I can't see Mickey,
but I'm here, and I'm
gonna make the best of it.
Peanuts!
That's it.
I am out of here.
Where're you
going, Arnold?
Down there,
to the lower level.
Arnold, wait!
Arnold, if they
catch us down here,
they'll
throw us out.
I don't care.
I came here
to see Mickey Kaline.
And I'm gonna
take my chances.
Hey, you kids
sittin' in this level?
Come back here,
you lousy kid.
Run, Arnold, run!
Run, Arnold!
Hey, watch the hair.
(WHIRRING)
(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)
(PANTING)
There he is.
Get him!
COMMENTATOR:
Next up,
number three.
Mickey Kaline!
Well, folks, this is
in all likelihood
Mickey Kaline's
last at bat.
This is indeed
an historic moment.
Kill the umpire!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRACK OF THE BAT)
(INDISTINCT COMMENTARY)
(ALL CHEERING)
COMMENTATOR: And the ball
is caught by a little boy with
a football-shaped head.
Hey, that's Arnold.
Arnold caught
the ball!
COMMENTATOR: Look
at that weird little kid run.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, attaboy, Arnold.
That's my grandson.
You got a piece of
history there, Arnold.
It's like the Declaration
of Independence,
or something.
I'll give you
$400 for it.
No thanks, Mr. Green.
I'll never let this baby
out of my sight.
Now, now,
leave him alone.
Let the boy bask
in his glory in peace.
Hey, look,
it's Kaline.
Mickey, your last at
bat in the major leagues
and you hit a home run.
How do you feel?
Well, uh,
to tell you the truth...
Uh, Fritz, I got
real mixed feelings.
I feel great about
hitting the home run, but...
Well, baseball
has been my whole life and...
I'm gonna
miss it a lot.
A whole lot.
(CRYING)
Oh, sorry about that.
It's okay, Mick.
We're back
with the out-of-
town scores...
(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)
Just a minute...
$400.
And all the rump roast
you can eat, Arnold.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
You okay, Arnold?
Yeah, but I guess
I'm kinda mixed up.
Why?
You got to go
to your favorite
player's last game,
you caught a home run
on national television.
What's the problem?
I don't know.
It's just, Mickey's
given me so much.
I wish there was
some way I could
give him something back.
Well, maybe you can.
What do you mean,
Grandpa?
I think you know
what I mean.
If you need me,
I'll have
the Packard runnin'.
(CHUCKLING)
(ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
Mr. Kaline.
Hey, kid.
Lookin' for an autograph?
Well, not exactly.
Here. It's
the home run ball
you hit this afternoon.
I thought you
might want it.
You know, kid,
since I was 7 years old,
the only thing I ever
wanted to do
was play baseball.
I loved every minute of it.
From the first time
I played catch with my Dad
to the home run
I hit this afternoon.
And well...
Thanks, kid.
No, thank you,
Mr. Kaline.
Well, I better
get home.
My grandpa's
waiting for me
out in the car.
Hey, kid.
You ever hear of the time
I faced Bob Gibson
in the World Series
with two down
and no men on?
No.
Well, it was
a hot day
in October,
and Gibson was throwing
like a man on fire,
which is pretty much
the way he always threw.
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(CAPTIVATING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
You think they're
looking at us?
It's us, man. They're
looking right at us.
They must be at least
in the sixth grade.
I'm telling you,
Arnold.
They're checking us out.
How do you know?
Maybe they just think
we're goofs, or something.
Arnold, I know.
And believe me,
the last thing
they think we are
are goofs.
Look at those goofs.
I know.
They're kind
of cute, though,
in a goofy sort of way.
At least
they're not jerks
like Tommy and Burt.
Get off me,
you moron!
Don't call me a moron!
Moron!
(SPLASHES)
Some boyfriends.
Where do they get off,
busting the radar
to look such and whatnot?
No duh.
I bet we could
make 'em come over.
The goofs?
You think?
You're bad, Maria, I swear.
See, I told you,
they want us
to come over there.
Are you sure?
Come on, Arnold.
Older women!
What do we got to lose?
Now act casual.
Hey, ladies.
How're you doin'?
Hey, how's
you doin'?
So, you live
around here?
Yeah, we
live around here.
You live around here?
ARNOLD: Yeah.
Yeah, we live
around here.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So what grade
are you in?
Uh, we're in the...
The sixth grade.
You guys are kind of short
to be in the sixth grade,
you know?
Yeah, well...
You know how it is.
We never ate
our vegetables.
Yeah, yeah,
that's right.
No cauliflower for us.
It stunted our growth.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, Maria!
Come over here!
Hey, vato,
why don't you
come over here?
Come over here!
Come over here!
Oh, forget you!
Forget you!
(SPLASHES)
Hey, Maria,
conference.
What do you think
they're saying?
I don't know,
sixth-grade girl stuff.
Just stay cool.
Me?
You stay cool.
Do you guys want
to go to a dance
Saturday night?
Huh?
Well, sure,
we can do that.
Right, Arnold?
Yeah, we could do that.
Pick us up at 6:30.
That's my address,
and por favor,
don't be late.
Okay.
Bye.
(THUMPS)
Thank you!
ARNOLD: Thank you?
(CHUCKLING)
This really ought
to cheese 'em off.
Yeah, they'll be
watchin' us hanging out
with those cute little chicos
and it'll make 'em locos.
BURT: Maria!
Come over here!
Maria!
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Hey, happenin' dude.
I got us some
funky threads.
Huh?
I found this
in my attic.
This is my dad's
Jayden trunk.
It's got
everything we need.
See?
Nehru jacket,
platform shoes,
puka shells,
cologne eau de oeuf,
and this.
Cool Moves
fo' Happenin' Dudes?
Arnold, these are
sophisticated ladies.
If we act
like we usually do,
they'll know
we're squares.
With this book, we'll
be the coolest kids
at the dance.
And listen, if you want
to be a happenin' dude,
you need to
learn the lingo.
For instance, when you
introduce yourself
to a young lady,
try this line.
"Hey, mama, you are
one out-of-sight
freaky chick."
Let me see that.
The happenin' dude
is always cool
and knows
the right thing to say.
Uh, I don't know, Gerald.
Maybe we should
call this off.
Call it off?
Are you kidding?
Listen, Arnold.
All our lives we've
been looked down on.
'Cause we
were too little
or too young
or too immature.
But tonight, we've got
our chance to be big shots.
We've got a chance
to wow a six-grade girl.
That's a chance
that only comes along
once in a lifetime.
And I say we take it.
Who knows?
We might
even get a kiss.
GERALD: So what do you say?
You with me, man?
You're right, Gerald.
By the end of the night,
I'm gonna get a kiss
from a sixth-grade girl.
Now you're talking.
Let me see that book.
Far-out dance steps
for swingin' hipsters.
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
MAN: Yeah?
Uh, is Maria here?
You're pretty short
for sixth graders.
Well, we didn't
eat our vegetables.
It stunted
our growth.
No cauliflower for us.
(CHUCKLING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Sir?
MAN: Nuts.
GERALD: No, thanks.
That's okay.
I'll pass.
Oh, man.
Maria,
come over here!
(ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
So, you guys ready?
I didn't know
we're gonna take a cab.
What does the book say?
Transportation.
GERALD: Buses,
trains, rickshaws... Cabs!
A happenin' dude always
pays his foxy lady's cab fare.
(GROANS)
Aw, man.
How much
money you got?
(TIRES SCREECH)
Community center.
$6.90.
(RHYTHMIC INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
Dig the vibe, man.
Act cool.
Huh?
Page 18.
Come on, vato.
Let's cruise.
I'm cool.
Yo, Gerald.
Let's go.
I'm hip to that,
pretty mama.
Out of sight.
Hey, Tommy, look.
There's Connie and Maria.
Hey. Who
they with?
Looks like a couple
of shrimpy guys.
What goes on here?
Hey, Maria,
who's the shrimp?
Buzz off, Tommy.
I'm with my date, you know?
But, Maria!
What goes on?
I need some punch.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, do you
guys dance?
Dance?
Match, babe.
Me and Gerald are hip
to the groove, foxy mama.
Dynomite!
Remember our moves, man.
I'm cool.
(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)
(LAUGHING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Hit me again,
Melvin.
CONNIE: So,
where did you guys
learn to dance, anyway?
Well, you know,
happenin' dudes like us,
we just pick up
the groove you dig.
Yes, we're cool,
cheeky mama.
You guys crack me up.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yo, Connie,
don't look now.
But those stupidos
are checking us out.
I bet they're
really cheesed off.
Boy, I'm really
cheesed off.
Who do they think
they are, anyway?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I think we're doing
pretty good. Don't you?
Yeah. They have no idea
we're only fourth-graders.
This is shapin' up to be
the greatest night
of our lives, Arnold.
Yeah. All we
gotta do is stay cool.
MARIA: Escucha me, listen.
Connie and me gotta
go visit the powder room.
But we'll be right back.
Don't dance with
anyone else, okay?
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
Hit me again, Melvin.
I think perhaps
you've had enough.
I'll tell you when
I've had enough!
Hit me!
Arnold, this
is going great.
And I can't
believe it.
Gerald, tonight,
I'm gonna
get that kiss.
Get that what?
So, you two punks think
you can steal our girls, huh?
Maybe it's time
we teach you
a lesson.
Hey, we didn't
do anything!
Yeah, we just came
to dig the vibes
and to hang out.
Hang out with
our girlfriends,
you mean.
Yeah, maybe
we should
hang youse out.
ALL: (CHANTING) Fight!
(CROWD CHANTING)
Look, you're dudes,
we're dudes.
Can't we just
work something out?
Sure. We can
work something out.
How about we work
your arm out of its socket?
Yeah, and we beat 'em
over the head with it.
MARIA: Hey, you guys!
What goes on here?
(CROWD GASPING)
Nothing.
It don't look
like nothing.
We were
just talking.
Tommy, you
let him go now!
Yeah, you too, Burt.
I just wanna say,
I'm disgusted
with the two of you.
We're sorry, Maria.
Yeah,
we're sorry,
Connie.
We're just jealous.
That's all.
It's true.
Whatever, just...
You get out of here.
Go wait for us
at the bus stop.
(CROWD CLAMORING)
No-good
big-shot boyfriends.
And what are
you geeks looking at?
The show's over.
(CHATTERING)
Yo, I'm sorry we led
you guys on, you know?
'Cause you're
real cute, and all.
Except, I don't know why,
but we still
got this thing
for Tommy and Burt.
Yeah. A thing.
I don't know why, either.
So, you were just
playing with us?
You didn't
really like us?
It's not that
we don't like you.
Yeah, yeah,
we like you.
I mean,
you're pretty cool
for fourth-graders.
It's just, you're
fourth-graders,
you know?
(SOLEMN INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. Hey, come on.
Before you know it,
you'll be grown up.
And all the girls
will be looking at you.
CONNIE: Yeah.
And if you stay
as sweet as you are now,
who knows? Maybe Maria and me
will be looking at you, too.
Really?
It could happen.
Yeah.
So, thanks for
taking us to the dance.
Yeah.
TOMMY: Maria,
come over here.
Tommy, you
come over here.
See you later,
chicky baby.
(YELLING)
Just come over here!
Why are you
always doing that?
TOMMY: Doing what?
MARIA: That thing
you always do.
TOMMY: I ain't doing nothing.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRACKLING)
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHOOSHES)
(GRUNTS)
Strike one,
head boy.
Sheesh, what
a wussy swing.
HELGA: Okay, move in.
This guy can't hit.
Just you and me, Arnold.
Your old stick
against my brand-new
triple-stitched imitation
major league baseball.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(GRUNTS)
Strike two!
Come on, Arnold.
Paste it, man!
Ooh, Arnold.
Who do you
think you are?
Mickey Kaline,
or something?
Yeah, that's right.
I'm Mickey Kaline.
(GRUNTS)
(THUMPS)
(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
ALL: Wow!
ALL: Wow!
My ball. My ball!
(CRYING)
My brand-new ball!
Man, Arnold.
That was great!
I just pretended
I was Mickey Kaline
and "bam,"
I hit it.
There's one thing
I don't get.
Who's Mickey Kaline?
Who's Mickey Kaline?
You gotta be kidding!
Uh... no?
(SIGHS WEARILY)
Now you've
done it, man.
(WHIRRING)
This is
Mickey Kaline.
He's my favorite player
of all time.
Five hundred and thirty
three home runs,
lifetime batting
average of 299...
One point below 300.
Mickey married
his high-school
sweetheart Shirley,
wears a size 13 shoe
and goes by
the nickname "Chet."
Mickey Kaline is
the greatest baseball player
who ever lived.
MAN: Kaline's a bum!
Huh?
What's going on?
Kaline's striking out again.
What else is new?
COMMENTATOR:
I'll tell you what.
It's a sad thing to see, Jay.
This once-great slugger
is now just a mere shadow
of his former self.
Boy, I hate to see
Kaline go out like this.
What's he
talking about?
Haven't you heard?
Mickey Kaline's retiring.
(GASPS)
What?
No way!
Tomorrow
is his last game
and the day after that,
the team starts to win.
COMMENTATOR:
Strike three and the big man
goes down swinging.
The world may never see
another Mickey Kaline.
You hear that,
Gerald?
Tomorrow's Mickey
Kaline's last game.
We gotta go.
But how? We don't
have any money.
I'll get the money, Gerald.
Somehow, some way.
You'll see.
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Hey, what's
eating you, short man?
Mickey Kaline is retiring.
That old fat guy?
I thought
he was dead.
No, Grandpa.
He's still alive.
But, tomorrow
is his last game,
and I don't have
enough money to go.
Say, what about
the money you got
from that
dog-washing business?
Yeah.
I forgot about that.
Man, I hope there's
still something left.
I've got enough!
Thanks, Grandpa.
You think of everything!
(CHUCKLING)
All it takes
to make a kid happy
is an extra five bucks.
Hey, wait a minute!
I had
a fifty in here!
Arnold, come back!
So how much
have you got?
Enough for a couple
of cheap bleacher seats.
I had more, but Grandpa
took back his $50 bill.
Hey, as long as I get
a nice, big jumbo frank,
maybe some peanuts...
No, Gerald.
All we've got
is enough for the tickets.
And maybe
one hot dog.
One hot dog?
That really bites, man.
MAN: Yo, unless you
want some
a little cheaper.
Two tickets,
half price. Eh?
ARNOLD: Let's see. Section Q.
Section Q.
Excuse me, sir.
Can you tell us
where our seats are?
(CHUCKLING)
COMMENTATOR:
Another solid base hit,
and the score is
all knotted up.
How lucky this crowd
must feel to be witnessing
such an amazing game!
ARNOLD:
Can you see anything?
GERALD: Yeah, one of
those little dots
is running past one
of those other little dots.
(GROWLING)
(THUDDING)
It can't get
any worse than this, Gerald.
Did some plaster
just fall on my head?
Come on, Arnold.
Crack a smile.
You're right, Gerald.
Maybe I can't see Mickey,
but I'm here, and I'm
gonna make the best of it.
Peanuts!
That's it.
I am out of here.
Where're you
going, Arnold?
Down there,
to the lower level.
Arnold, wait!
Arnold, if they
catch us down here,
they'll
throw us out.
I don't care.
I came here
to see Mickey Kaline.
And I'm gonna
take my chances.
Hey, you kids
sittin' in this level?
Come back here,
you lousy kid.
Run, Arnold, run!
Run, Arnold!
Hey, watch the hair.
(WHIRRING)
(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)
(PANTING)
There he is.
Get him!
COMMENTATOR:
Next up,
number three.
Mickey Kaline!
Well, folks, this is
in all likelihood
Mickey Kaline's
last at bat.
This is indeed
an historic moment.
Kill the umpire!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRACK OF THE BAT)
(INDISTINCT COMMENTARY)
(ALL CHEERING)
COMMENTATOR: And the ball
is caught by a little boy with
a football-shaped head.
Hey, that's Arnold.
Arnold caught
the ball!
COMMENTATOR: Look
at that weird little kid run.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, attaboy, Arnold.
That's my grandson.
You got a piece of
history there, Arnold.
It's like the Declaration
of Independence,
or something.
I'll give you
$400 for it.
No thanks, Mr. Green.
I'll never let this baby
out of my sight.
Now, now,
leave him alone.
Let the boy bask
in his glory in peace.
Hey, look,
it's Kaline.
Mickey, your last at
bat in the major leagues
and you hit a home run.
How do you feel?
Well, uh,
to tell you the truth...
Uh, Fritz, I got
real mixed feelings.
I feel great about
hitting the home run, but...
Well, baseball
has been my whole life and...
I'm gonna
miss it a lot.
A whole lot.
(CRYING)
Oh, sorry about that.
It's okay, Mick.
We're back
with the out-of-
town scores...
(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)
Just a minute...
$400.
And all the rump roast
you can eat, Arnold.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
You okay, Arnold?
Yeah, but I guess
I'm kinda mixed up.
Why?
You got to go
to your favorite
player's last game,
you caught a home run
on national television.
What's the problem?
I don't know.
It's just, Mickey's
given me so much.
I wish there was
some way I could
give him something back.
Well, maybe you can.
What do you mean,
Grandpa?
I think you know
what I mean.
If you need me,
I'll have
the Packard runnin'.
(CHUCKLING)
(ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
Mr. Kaline.
Hey, kid.
Lookin' for an autograph?
Well, not exactly.
Here. It's
the home run ball
you hit this afternoon.
I thought you
might want it.
You know, kid,
since I was 7 years old,
the only thing I ever
wanted to do
was play baseball.
I loved every minute of it.
From the first time
I played catch with my Dad
to the home run
I hit this afternoon.
And well...
Thanks, kid.
No, thank you,
Mr. Kaline.
Well, I better
get home.
My grandpa's
waiting for me
out in the car.
Hey, kid.
You ever hear of the time
I faced Bob Gibson
in the World Series
with two down
and no men on?
No.
Well, it was
a hot day
in October,
and Gibson was throwing
like a man on fire,
which is pretty much
the way he always threw.
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(MUSIC PLAYING)