Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): Season 1, Episode 1 - Downtown as Fruits/Eugene's Bike - full transcript

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold!

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.



Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(GROWLS)

HELGA: Cut! Cut!

Hey, Arnold!

Huh?

Get off the stage!

(ALL LAUGHING)
(GRUNTS)

This isn't
your scene!

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Amateur.

Okay, let's pick it up
from the dance
of the vegetables.

Five, six, seven, eight.



(BELL RINGING)

(CHATTERING)

Not so fast.

Come on, Helga.
We know our lines.

Know your lines?

Of course,
you know your lines.

But I don't want
to just hear your lines.

I want to hear
what's in your souls!

Do vegetables
have souls?

That audience expects
food with feelings.

And that's what
we're gonna give 'em.

Iggy, what's
your motivation?

I don't know.
I'm a utensil.

Stinky, what's
in your character's gut?

I thought so.
You guys all bite.

Okay, here's the deal.

I want every kid here
a half an hour early

so we can do
another run-through.

If anybody is late,

they're gonna
have to answer
to old Betsy.

I'm Monkeyman!

(DOG BARKING)

(CATS MEOWING)

Fruits.
We had to be fruits.

Why couldn't we
have been in the bread group?

Or beverages?

I could have been
a cream soda.

ARNOLD: Yeah,
well, we're fruits.

And let's hurry,
or we'll miss the bus.

Slow down!

This strawberry
really chafes.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Man, this is
so humiliating.

This is nothing.

In a few hours,
the entire student body

will be laughing at us.

(BELL DINGING)

I can't believe
we have to do this.

For Helga.

I know,
it's not fair.

But there's nothing
we can do about it.

Nothing.

Unless...

ARNOLD: Unless what?

Let's just say,

we forgot
to pull that cord,

and we didn't
get off at this stop?

Or the next stop?

Or the next!

Hey. By the time
we get back home,

the play
would be over.

No. We couldn't do that.
It would ruin the play.

Well, was it right
for Helga to make fun
of you during rehearsal?

Well... Oh, Gerald,
we gotta stop.
We can't ruin the play.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Well, maybe
one more stop
would be okay.

(CHATTERING)

(TICKING)

HELGA: People, people!

Now, remember,
a play has a life
of its own.

It's got to breathe.

Every food group
must build upon the group
that came before it.

First, the legumes.

"Legumes"? I thought
we were beans.

You are, genius!

Then the meats.
Lusty and powerful.

Then the fruits,
they're...

Hey! Where
are the fruits?

They're not here, Helga.
They never showed up.

What?

(YELLING) Arnold!

Did you hear
something just now?

Nope.

Hey, how far does
this bus go anyway?

What difference
does it make?

When it gets
to the end of the line,

we'll just
ride it back again.

The journey is
the destination, man.

What's that mean?

I'm not sure.

I heard it
in a hippie movie.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey, what's going on?

GERALD: Oh, man.
This is the end of the line.

You and your
hippie movies.

Does this mean...

Yeah. We're stuck.

Downtown.

As fruits.

Now, what?

I know. We'll call
my mom and dad.

They'll come
pick us up.

Good idea.

Great.
Just great!

Well, at least let's get
rid of these costumes.

Uh, I can't.

Why not?

I didn't wear
anything underneath.

You didn't wear
anything underneath?

Well, polyester
makes me sweat.

Okay, so you have
to stay a strawberry.

Arnold,
this is serious.

We're stuck downtown,
I'm a strawberry

and we don't
have any money!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

MAN: Here, you go.

What's this?

MAN: You know
what it is. Just take it.

Wow. People downtown
sure are friendly.

Let's go.

He's two minutes late.

You were right, Arnold.

Those shoes really
pull your look together.

You hungry?

Hey, thanks, man.

Ain't no problem,
fella.

Does souvlaki cover
the four food groups?

Who cares?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I'm a steak
A juicy steak

♪ Full of fat and protein

♪ I'm a ham
You know I am

♪ And if you keep kosher

♪ I'm not in your routine ♪

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

HELGA: Psst.

Stretch. Stretch!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

I can't believe
this is happening.

Do you know how hard
I prepared for my role?

I ate nothing
but dairy products
for two weeks!

If I ever get my hands
on that Arnold, I'll...

I'll...

Soothe his fevered brow,

oh, my poor
lost sweetheart,

how I love you.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

And yet I hate you.

And yet I love you.

And yet I hate you!

And yet I love you.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SIREN WAILING)

(CROWD CLAPPING)

(CHEERING)

Hey, waiter.
Sodas for everyone.

All right!

Rack 'em again, fat man.

What do you mean
you gave it
to the wrong banana?

Um...

What does this
other banana look like?

You know, kind of
small, kind of yellow,

banana shoes.

Just like those.

MAN: Hey!

Hey, you two!

(EXCLAIMS)

MAN: Who enters the realm
of the great Zamboni?

I'm Arnold.
This is Gerald.

Wait, wait!

You're... You're Arnold!

And Gerald.

Good guess.

Ha! Zamboni Jones
does not guess.

He knows.

You have come to me
with a problem.

Yeah. We came
downtown and at first,
everything was great.

But now it's
all gone wrong.

There is a disturbance
in your karmic energy field.

(HUMMING)

Is there someone you have
harmed in the past?

Hmm? Someone
you have wronged.

Hmm...

My play!

My play!

My beautiful play!

Nope. Can't think of a soul.

Gerald, you've
got to be kidding.

Think of Helga
and her play,

and all the kids
back at school
that we're letting down.

What's your point?

ARNOLD: Come on.
We've got a karmic
energy field to fix.

Bye, Mr. Jones. Thanks.

Hey! Where is my $3.50?

I should
have foreseen this.

(WHISTLES)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CATS MEOWING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

Wow.

People downtown
sure are friendly.

(CRYING)
I'm ruined.
Ruined!

My future
as a playwright
is over.

(SNIFFLES)

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ladies and gentlemen.

There will be
a small change
in the fourth act.

We won't
be having it.

It seems that some
of our food groups

are not as dedicated
as the rest of us.

But the show
must go on.

♪ It's fruits
It's fruits

♪ That really
makes us toots

♪ It's fruits

♪ It's fruits

♪ That give us all a hoot

♪ It's not like
other food groups
aren't important

♪ In fact you need us all

♪ To make your fingernails
And eyes and organs

♪ It's fruits
It's fruits

♪ You've got
To have your fruits

♪ That's what the folks
With scurvy say

♪ 'Cause it's fruits
Us fruits

♪ That really makes us sing

Wait till I get my hands
on you, Arnold,
you beautiful creature.

♪ This is the end
Of our play ♪

(EXCLAIMS)

(HELGA SIGHS)

(GROWLING)

GERALD: Hey, Arnold!

(ROARS)

(GROWLS)

(SNARLS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold!

(CARS HONKING)

What are you
looking at?

Hello! Is anybody
in there, man?

Come on,
we gotta cross now

or else we're gonna
be late for school.

ARNOLD: Okay,
I'm right behind you.

Hey, Arnold.
Hey, Gerald.

Want to see
my albino worm
collection?

I call this one "Pinky."

Uh, no thanks, Billy.

Okay. But you don't
know what you're missing.

Look, you guys.
I got a new scab!

If you squint real hard,
it's look like Texas.

That's nice, Sheena.

The crusty part
is the Alamo.

GERALD: That's disgusting!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Uh... Nougats?

None for me.

I had a big breakfast.

Well, folks,
I think we've reached

the end
of our dork parade.

Hey, look,
here comes Eugene.

(HONKING)

GERALD: I stand corrected.

Am I seeing things?

No, that's Eugene
all right.

And he's riding
a really cool bike.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(KIDS CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

What'd you do,
rob a bike store?

(ALL LAUGHING)

No, it's Flag Day
and my family
exchanges gifts.

All my life I've wanted
a bike like this.

Look at it!
Look at it, you guys.

Shiny red frame
with little specs of
metallic stuff in the paint,

lots of gears
so I don't have
to pump hard

when I'm going
up a hill.

Big thick tires
so I can run over glass.

It's the one thing
I've wanted more
than anything else.

More than
incredible wealth.

More than world peace!

It's my dream bike,
you guys.

My dream bike.
And I finally got it.

There's just one thing
it needs to make it perfect.

ALL: Ooh!

(CLICKING)

(HONKING)

I guess every dork
has his day.

(BELL RINGING)

Yeah.

I'll be there
in a second, Gerald.

(HORN HONKING)

(CRASHES)

(WHIMPERING)

My bike.

I'm really sorry,
Eugene.

I don't know
what to say.

My bike!

I think it's history,
Eugene.

My bike!

It was an accident,
Eugene.

I'm really, really sorry.

(SCREAMING)

(CAR ALARMS BLARING)

No, no, no! Please!

No! Not my bike.

(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)
No! No, please!

Not my bike.

Man, I feel terrible
about this, Gerald.

Look, Arnold.
It wasn't your fault.

Stuff like this always
happens to the geeky kids.

And of all the kids
in the school,

Eugene's got to
be the geekiest.

You could say that again.

Hey, where's Pinky?
Pinky?

Anybody
seen my Pinky?

(SQUELCHING)

Ew.

(BELL RINGING)

(CRASHES)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

EUGENE: Wow, Arnold.
It's beautiful.

ARNOLD: Thanks.

It is kind
of nice, isn't it?

"Nice"? Heck,
it's better than ever.

(HONKING)

You didn't have
to do this, Arnold.

Yeah, but I wanted to.

Wow, Arnold,
you're a pal.

I'm gonna take it
for a ride right now.

Hey, wait!
Don't forget this.

Have a good ride,
Eugene.

Oh, hey, Abner,
what you got there?

Brake cable?

The brake cable!

Eugene!

Whee!

I'm a bird!
I'm a plane!

I'm...

...about to be hurt
very badly.

(CRASHES)

(METAL CLATTERING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hey, Eugene.

Oh. Hi, Arnold.
Thanks for coming.

Listen, Eugene.
I'm really sorry.

What do you mean, Arnold?

You didn't
do anything.

It's just something
that happened, that's all.

Well, I brought you
some candy
to make it up to you.

Aww, that's nice
of you, Arnold,

but really,
you didn't have to.

Here. Let me
help you with that.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, no!
I'm sorry.

Here. Let me take that.

(SCREAMING)

Man, I'm sorry.
(EUGENE EXCLAIMING IN AGONY)

I'll just...
No! No.

Arnold, please,
you don't have to.

Please just
sit down there.
Right over there.

Good.

Look, Eugene.

Somehow, I'm gonna
make it all up to you.

I don't know how yet,
but I'm gonna do it.

You'll see.

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

What a guy.

WOMAN ON PA:
Dr. Kravitz, you have
a visitor in the main...

Here it is, 336.

Tonsillectomy.
Let's do it.

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

BOY: He's a dork.

HELGA: He's a real dork.

GERALD: Yeah,
stuff like this always
happens to the geeky kids.

(SQUEAKING)

(CLOTH TEARING)

GERALD: Arnold, come quick!

Harold just ripped
his pants wide open.

(CRASHES)

Hey, Arnold.
Shake hands
with Mr. Crab.

(EUGENE SCREAMING)

(MUFFLED YELLING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Every dork
deserves his day.

And I'm gonna
give that dork his day.

(SOFTLY)
Oh, hi, there, Arnold.

Hey, Eugene.
What happened
to your voice?

I don't know.
There was
some kind of mix-up.

They took my tonsils
out by mistake.

That's terrible.

No, not really.

You don't need 'em, anyway.

I kind of wish they would
have left my spleen, though.

Listen, Eugene.
I just want you to know
I'm sorry for everything.

The teeter-totter,
the crab, the paste...

Huh?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

But I figured out
a way to pay you back.

I'm gonna take you out
for one full day

where nothing bad
happens at all.

One entire day
of just you and me

having nonstop
full-on action-packed fun.

Gee, Arnold.
That sounds neat.

Great.

I'll be here
to pick you up

the first thing
tomorrow morning.

And don't forget
to wear your fun clothes.

That Arnold.

He just keeps
giving and giving.

(GASPS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(THUMPS)

(CHOKING)

(COUGHING)

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(SPLASHES)

(VOMITING)

Sorry, Eugene.

I guess we shouldn't
have taken that ferry ride.

(VOMITING)

Oh, that's okay.

You couldn't have known
I get motion sickness.

Oh, Eugene.
I'm really sorry.

All I wanted to do was
pay you back for all
the trouble I've caused you.

Everything just
seems to go wrong.

I guess this wasn't
such a good day
after all.

Are you kidding me, Arnold?

I ate hot dogs
in the park.

I almost caught
a home-run ball
hit by Spuds McGee.

I watched the sun
set on the river...

And I even got
to swim in the river.

By accident, sorta.

I had a great time.

You know, nobody has ever
done anything like this
for me before.

I don't know
how I'll ever be able
to thank you enough.

This has been one
of the best days
I've ever had.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

See you later,
Arnold.

Uh, excuse me.

Mr. Driver, sir?

You think you can open...

Hey, Eugene.

Ah, I'll give it
to you tomorrow.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)