He's with Me (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Toking in the Boys Room - full transcript
Val visits Martin to vent her frustration about Eddie, with a little herbal assistance. Ted's client Lyle Pressman wants to be included on a casting session for his big campaign. Benny makes an uninvited entrance.
He can't back out now!
The shoot is in three days.
Are you gonna tell the asshole?
I don't care if he's the
president of the company,
he's still an asshole.
No, I don't need to
meet him in person,
I can tell he's an
asshole over the phone.
Trust me, I know assholes.
That was not funny.
No...
I'll see you in a
couple of hours.
It's still not funny,
and I'm hanging up now.
Hi.
I think I'd like to be...
Eddie has been
acting so strange lately,
and before you can
reply and say,
"How do you know?" or,
"You mean he's acting
like a normal person?"
I just wanna tell you:
I'm not in the mood.
He's been acting really,
really weird.
Last week,
he went out and he started
hitting golf balls in the rain.
And then he started
writing stuff down
in this little black notebook.
Is our marriage so
dull at one year out
that he wants to
do all these things?
And he is so distant.
I mean,
he has not even asked me once
about any of my yoga stuff.
Not one freaking time.
And it is going so well, my god,
I'm moving into doing
the prenatal yoga,
and all my students are asking
me for one-on-one classes.
And I'm even considering
becoming a doula.
I really wasn't gonna try it,
but then Daniel convinced
me that I should.
Daniel?
Yeah, Daniel.
He lives upstairs,
above the studio.
He comes down and we chat
while I'm prepping for
my classes and stuff.
He is really, really sweet.
Is he?
And how long have we
been talking to Daniel?
I don't know,
a few weeks, maybe.
God, he is so cute!
Is he?
Relax!
He's a kid.
He's a teenager!
His foster parents
live above the studio,
and I help him with
his homework sometimes.
He's failing all of his classes.
His foster parents suck.
I mean, they're only
doing it for the money.
They don't even care about him.
That sucks.
Is he a nice kid?
Yes!
He is, the best.
And you know what?
He's way more
attentive than Eddie is.
I mean, seriously,
what the hell is he
writing in the damn book?
Om.
Om.
Do you do this
in front of Eddie?
Listen, hon.
Why don't you just sit
him down and ask him?
You're a communicator.
Why don't you just say
what you said to me,
only without the Om
and see what he says?
Because I'm scared, Marty.
Because I'm afraid
of what he might say.
No, I'm just gonna
dance around the issue.
I mean, eventually,
I think he'll just
weird himself out enough that
he's just gonna 'fess up.
It's what married people do.
That was a smile!
It came from the laptop,
why did the laptop
just make you smile?
Well...
I've been emailing someone
who I met... somewhere.
Alright, why is it so
freaking hard for
men to communicate?
Who is the someone
that you met somewhere?
You have to promise
not to be excited.
Okay, swear I won't be.
I started online dating.
Okay, I know, it's shocking.
Shocking?
I mean, have I entered
a parallel universe?
No, you're stoned.
My god, I must be.
What does this mean?
You said that you would
never ever ever ever do...
You said that you would date
Benny before you ever did that.
Well that was before Benny
actually wanted to date me.
God, he is so cute!
Is he still stalking you?
Yes, and it's not cute,
it's scary.
Well who is this guy?
This new guy on the computer
that's making you smile?
It's nothing yet.
I don't know.
We've only emailed a few times.
Well, what does he look like?
I don't know, yet, it's...
I haven't seen him.
No picture?
I know.
And I wasn't even really
comfortable with like, you know,
thumbs-upping him
or winking or poking him
or whatever other
ridiculous verb they offer
to entice somebody,
but he wrote to me,
and I thought he was
kinda interesting.
Has he seen you?
Yeah, I had a picture
up for about a day
before I like freaked
out and took it down.
My god, Marty!
Do not freak out,
you are so handsome!
What picture did you put up?
The one from our
trip to the dude ranch,
when I'm on the horse.
The hell'd you put
that picture up?
That's from, like, 15 years ago.
Well I thought it would make
me look rugged and outdoorsy.
Yeah, but it's
it's supposed to look like you.
I mean, like, doing things
that you would normally do.
In places you would
normally do them.
Were you in a costume?
You know, forget about it,
put up a picture
of you discovering Mars
or I don't know, harpooning
something in the outback.
Hey, I'm just trying
to get used to it!
It's hard to whore
yourself out online.
Well, okay, where does
he live, what does he do?
I don't know and I don't know.
This is why I didn't
want to tell you.
We've only exchanged
like three emails,
we're hardly dating.
I just like the way he writes.
I like that he can write.
And he uses these
old-fashioned phrases,
like, "and what have you"
and, "once in a blue moon."
I don't know, I think he
even made me laugh once.
This is so incredible!
Martin Adams has
re-entered the dating pool!
You're embracing life again,
and you have reaffirmed my
faith in the human race.
My god, I feel so much better!
Zip your pants, I
don't even know his name.
You're playing hard to get.
Sorry I'm a little late.
He's not here yet?
No.
Is this normal, that the
president of the company
would want to be in
on a casting session?
Only when they have little
faith in the campaign.
Or in the person
behind the campaign.
I'm not really cut out for
this kinda pressure, Teddy.
I'm basically just a writer.
Have you done
any writing lately?
Actually yeah.
Sketched out a play
that seems promising,
but it's missing something.
This is where my money's
coming from right now.
It's gonna be okay.
Really?
God, I hope so.
I'm just trying to
get over that instinct
to get all nervous
and have to throw up.
Well you're doing really well.
Thanks.
We have a great concept,
it's funny and accessible
and it makes exterminating
seem less disgusting.
That's where I'm always aiming.
Because that's
the way I like it,
and when things
are the way I like it,
then we'll all be happy.
I have Lyle Pressman.
Good to see you, Mr. Pressman.
I'm sorry we lost the original
actor at the last minute.
I hope we're not keeping you
from something important.
Well,
as this company's my livelihood,
and I have over 150 employees,
this meeting is at the
top of my important list.
Of course, Mr. Pressman.
Lyle.
Right, Lyle.
This is Martin Adams.
He's gonna be
directing the spot.
Yes, I heard.
Pleasure, Mr. Pressman.
Pleasure's a noble goal,
Mr. Adams.
We should all
aspire to pleasure.
In the workplace, in the
home, in the theater.
You were the theater critic
for The Voice, weren't you?
Yes, until just recently.
But I find myself enjoying
this kind of work now.
Yes, sometimes we find ourselves
in other worlds than
those we assumed.
Now, shall we get
to the task at hand?
So, who are my best candidates?
Well,
we have three possibilities.
All of them are experienced,
they look great on camera,
and they made us laugh.
I hope my campaign does more
than make people laugh,
Mr. Adams.
We are, in fact,
in the business of
making environments
sanitary and safe.
While I enjoy a good laugh,
I think the main point
is to let our customers know
that we care about them.
Of course, of course.
And we went the extra mile
to hit all those bases
in the concept and the
tagline, Mr... Lyle.
When we sat down
for you to sign off.
Right, I did.
So, let's...
Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Adams.
There's a Benny
Costa here to see you.
♫ Hello, working men!
Shit!
I'm sorry.
I just thought you two would
be in here, alone together.
Working.
I didn't realize you
were in some sort of...
Your secretary didn't mention...
Executive assistant.
I, You're all wearing suits,
and I'm totally barging in.
Yes, you are, Benny.
It's okay, Benny,
what's happening?
I just wanted to drop off
the menu for your parents'
dinner for next week
that I am cooking,
thank you very much.
And at Marty's house, no less.
I would have emailed it to you,
but the computer at the
restaurant is on the fritz,
and I spilled salsa
all over mine at home,
and I'm in the neighborhood
because I see a fortune teller
right around the corner.
Only when I have
like a big audition,
I wanna peek into the...
Okay, just leave the menu
and I'll have a look at it
and if there's anything
we need changing,
I'll just give you a call?
Alright, great, thank you.
And I'm so sorry again,
I'm always doing this.
Benny, this is Mr. Pressman.
Mr. Pressman, hi!
My third rib!
I am so sorry.
It's just that I know
these guys so well,
and I didn't think I'd
be bothering them.
I mean, I always bother them,
but not any more
than anyone else.
So I just barge in,
without thinking.
But they are the greatest.
Whatever I ruined
by barging in just now,
just know that they are great.
Martin is a great director.
He directed my one-man show,
and did a fabulous job!
I was even more
watchable than usual.
You're an actor, Mr...?
Costa. Benny Costa.
I got the Benny part.
Actor, singer,
cabaret performer,
renaissance man,
jack of all trades.
Do you have any
on-camera experience?
You mean, like, public
on-camera experience?
I don't even want to
know what that means.
A little.
I was an extra in
my sister's music video.
It was at this grunge
bar in the East Village,
and I had like three nose rings.
Mr. Costa, could you
maybe give us a few moments
and wait outside?
Um, yes!
Of course, I mean, sure.
Yes, I mean, my fortune
teller's open 'til six, so.
Guess she can't tell you a
damn thing about your life
when the sun goes down.
Benny, just give us a minute.
Yes!
Right outside.
Sorry.
What about him?
What about him?
He's perfect.
Yeah, he's annoying,
but in 30 seconds,
he won't annoy too much.
And if those spasms
aren't physical comedy,
I don't know what the hell is.
You've already
directed him before,
so you'll know how
to get what you need.
I say he's our pest.
With all due respect, Lyle,
Benny has absolutely
no experience.
He's a virtual nobody with
a small modicum of talent.
Sometimes, Mr. Adams.
Martin.
Martin.
It's not the years of
experience that dictate
whether a person's right
for an opportunity.
I think sometimes people
are judged too harshly,
instead of encouraged.
We have lots of other options.
Mr. Adams,
is my company not called
Pressman Exterminators?
Yes, it is, sir.
And do I not have final
approval in my commercials?
Yes, you do, sir.
Then kindly inform Mr. Costa
that he's been cast
in this commercial.
Happy to.
I'm not sure
whether you're aware,
but you're staring at me.
Am I?
It's just interesting to finally
put a face with the name.
I used to read
your column every week.
Perhaps I'm close-minded.
Perhaps.
But I wouldn't
think a businessman
would be interested
in what I wrote about.
I wasn't always a businessman.
Years ago, I was an actor.
You?
Would I have seen
you in anything?
You did.
You saw me, and you
eviscerated me in your column.
I think the exact line was,
"If pressed to say
anything positive
"about Lyle Pressman's
performance,
"I would note that he managed
to remember all of his lines,
"even if he didn't know
what any of them meant."
I suppose you didn't
find that amusing.
You suppose correctly.
Mr. Pressman, what can I say?
I am so honored,
grateful, and honored.
This must be what people feel
like when they win an award.
This must be what
people feel like
when they hit the jackpot!
This must be what
people feel like...
I understand, Mr. Costa.
I'm very happy for you.
But if you don't deliver
in my commercial,
that very happy
feeling won't last.
Don't disappoint me.
Never, I wouldn't.
Alright, I think that's it.
I will email you, Benny,
with more details, and..
Keep next Friday clear.
Anything you say!
Thanks, Ted.
Impressed with me, yet?
Benny, if anyone could represent
pests around the world,
it's certainly you.
He's in love.
Now we have to see
him twice next week.
I forgot the menus.
Go ahead, we're done here.
Thanks, Lyle.
I'll see you next week.
You good with this?
I'm good.
So were you any good?
Excuse me?
At acting.
Were you any good?
I think I may have
had some promise.
But ultimately, no.
I don't think I was good,
really.
Then I read what you wrote.
That was my last straw.
I hung it up for good.
After that, I made my father
the happiest person in the world
and became CEO of Pressman.
So perhaps I did you a favor.
You just say whatever you want
for the most part, don't you?
For the most part.
Sometimes I want
to say even more.
Why don't I buy you a drink,
and you can tell me everything?
The shoot is in three days.
Are you gonna tell the asshole?
I don't care if he's the
president of the company,
he's still an asshole.
No, I don't need to
meet him in person,
I can tell he's an
asshole over the phone.
Trust me, I know assholes.
That was not funny.
No...
I'll see you in a
couple of hours.
It's still not funny,
and I'm hanging up now.
Hi.
I think I'd like to be...
Eddie has been
acting so strange lately,
and before you can
reply and say,
"How do you know?" or,
"You mean he's acting
like a normal person?"
I just wanna tell you:
I'm not in the mood.
He's been acting really,
really weird.
Last week,
he went out and he started
hitting golf balls in the rain.
And then he started
writing stuff down
in this little black notebook.
Is our marriage so
dull at one year out
that he wants to
do all these things?
And he is so distant.
I mean,
he has not even asked me once
about any of my yoga stuff.
Not one freaking time.
And it is going so well, my god,
I'm moving into doing
the prenatal yoga,
and all my students are asking
me for one-on-one classes.
And I'm even considering
becoming a doula.
I really wasn't gonna try it,
but then Daniel convinced
me that I should.
Daniel?
Yeah, Daniel.
He lives upstairs,
above the studio.
He comes down and we chat
while I'm prepping for
my classes and stuff.
He is really, really sweet.
Is he?
And how long have we
been talking to Daniel?
I don't know,
a few weeks, maybe.
God, he is so cute!
Is he?
Relax!
He's a kid.
He's a teenager!
His foster parents
live above the studio,
and I help him with
his homework sometimes.
He's failing all of his classes.
His foster parents suck.
I mean, they're only
doing it for the money.
They don't even care about him.
That sucks.
Is he a nice kid?
Yes!
He is, the best.
And you know what?
He's way more
attentive than Eddie is.
I mean, seriously,
what the hell is he
writing in the damn book?
Om.
Om.
Do you do this
in front of Eddie?
Listen, hon.
Why don't you just sit
him down and ask him?
You're a communicator.
Why don't you just say
what you said to me,
only without the Om
and see what he says?
Because I'm scared, Marty.
Because I'm afraid
of what he might say.
No, I'm just gonna
dance around the issue.
I mean, eventually,
I think he'll just
weird himself out enough that
he's just gonna 'fess up.
It's what married people do.
That was a smile!
It came from the laptop,
why did the laptop
just make you smile?
Well...
I've been emailing someone
who I met... somewhere.
Alright, why is it so
freaking hard for
men to communicate?
Who is the someone
that you met somewhere?
You have to promise
not to be excited.
Okay, swear I won't be.
I started online dating.
Okay, I know, it's shocking.
Shocking?
I mean, have I entered
a parallel universe?
No, you're stoned.
My god, I must be.
What does this mean?
You said that you would
never ever ever ever do...
You said that you would date
Benny before you ever did that.
Well that was before Benny
actually wanted to date me.
God, he is so cute!
Is he still stalking you?
Yes, and it's not cute,
it's scary.
Well who is this guy?
This new guy on the computer
that's making you smile?
It's nothing yet.
I don't know.
We've only emailed a few times.
Well, what does he look like?
I don't know, yet, it's...
I haven't seen him.
No picture?
I know.
And I wasn't even really
comfortable with like, you know,
thumbs-upping him
or winking or poking him
or whatever other
ridiculous verb they offer
to entice somebody,
but he wrote to me,
and I thought he was
kinda interesting.
Has he seen you?
Yeah, I had a picture
up for about a day
before I like freaked
out and took it down.
My god, Marty!
Do not freak out,
you are so handsome!
What picture did you put up?
The one from our
trip to the dude ranch,
when I'm on the horse.
The hell'd you put
that picture up?
That's from, like, 15 years ago.
Well I thought it would make
me look rugged and outdoorsy.
Yeah, but it's
it's supposed to look like you.
I mean, like, doing things
that you would normally do.
In places you would
normally do them.
Were you in a costume?
You know, forget about it,
put up a picture
of you discovering Mars
or I don't know, harpooning
something in the outback.
Hey, I'm just trying
to get used to it!
It's hard to whore
yourself out online.
Well, okay, where does
he live, what does he do?
I don't know and I don't know.
This is why I didn't
want to tell you.
We've only exchanged
like three emails,
we're hardly dating.
I just like the way he writes.
I like that he can write.
And he uses these
old-fashioned phrases,
like, "and what have you"
and, "once in a blue moon."
I don't know, I think he
even made me laugh once.
This is so incredible!
Martin Adams has
re-entered the dating pool!
You're embracing life again,
and you have reaffirmed my
faith in the human race.
My god, I feel so much better!
Zip your pants, I
don't even know his name.
You're playing hard to get.
Sorry I'm a little late.
He's not here yet?
No.
Is this normal, that the
president of the company
would want to be in
on a casting session?
Only when they have little
faith in the campaign.
Or in the person
behind the campaign.
I'm not really cut out for
this kinda pressure, Teddy.
I'm basically just a writer.
Have you done
any writing lately?
Actually yeah.
Sketched out a play
that seems promising,
but it's missing something.
This is where my money's
coming from right now.
It's gonna be okay.
Really?
God, I hope so.
I'm just trying to
get over that instinct
to get all nervous
and have to throw up.
Well you're doing really well.
Thanks.
We have a great concept,
it's funny and accessible
and it makes exterminating
seem less disgusting.
That's where I'm always aiming.
Because that's
the way I like it,
and when things
are the way I like it,
then we'll all be happy.
I have Lyle Pressman.
Good to see you, Mr. Pressman.
I'm sorry we lost the original
actor at the last minute.
I hope we're not keeping you
from something important.
Well,
as this company's my livelihood,
and I have over 150 employees,
this meeting is at the
top of my important list.
Of course, Mr. Pressman.
Lyle.
Right, Lyle.
This is Martin Adams.
He's gonna be
directing the spot.
Yes, I heard.
Pleasure, Mr. Pressman.
Pleasure's a noble goal,
Mr. Adams.
We should all
aspire to pleasure.
In the workplace, in the
home, in the theater.
You were the theater critic
for The Voice, weren't you?
Yes, until just recently.
But I find myself enjoying
this kind of work now.
Yes, sometimes we find ourselves
in other worlds than
those we assumed.
Now, shall we get
to the task at hand?
So, who are my best candidates?
Well,
we have three possibilities.
All of them are experienced,
they look great on camera,
and they made us laugh.
I hope my campaign does more
than make people laugh,
Mr. Adams.
We are, in fact,
in the business of
making environments
sanitary and safe.
While I enjoy a good laugh,
I think the main point
is to let our customers know
that we care about them.
Of course, of course.
And we went the extra mile
to hit all those bases
in the concept and the
tagline, Mr... Lyle.
When we sat down
for you to sign off.
Right, I did.
So, let's...
Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Adams.
There's a Benny
Costa here to see you.
♫ Hello, working men!
Shit!
I'm sorry.
I just thought you two would
be in here, alone together.
Working.
I didn't realize you
were in some sort of...
Your secretary didn't mention...
Executive assistant.
I, You're all wearing suits,
and I'm totally barging in.
Yes, you are, Benny.
It's okay, Benny,
what's happening?
I just wanted to drop off
the menu for your parents'
dinner for next week
that I am cooking,
thank you very much.
And at Marty's house, no less.
I would have emailed it to you,
but the computer at the
restaurant is on the fritz,
and I spilled salsa
all over mine at home,
and I'm in the neighborhood
because I see a fortune teller
right around the corner.
Only when I have
like a big audition,
I wanna peek into the...
Okay, just leave the menu
and I'll have a look at it
and if there's anything
we need changing,
I'll just give you a call?
Alright, great, thank you.
And I'm so sorry again,
I'm always doing this.
Benny, this is Mr. Pressman.
Mr. Pressman, hi!
My third rib!
I am so sorry.
It's just that I know
these guys so well,
and I didn't think I'd
be bothering them.
I mean, I always bother them,
but not any more
than anyone else.
So I just barge in,
without thinking.
But they are the greatest.
Whatever I ruined
by barging in just now,
just know that they are great.
Martin is a great director.
He directed my one-man show,
and did a fabulous job!
I was even more
watchable than usual.
You're an actor, Mr...?
Costa. Benny Costa.
I got the Benny part.
Actor, singer,
cabaret performer,
renaissance man,
jack of all trades.
Do you have any
on-camera experience?
You mean, like, public
on-camera experience?
I don't even want to
know what that means.
A little.
I was an extra in
my sister's music video.
It was at this grunge
bar in the East Village,
and I had like three nose rings.
Mr. Costa, could you
maybe give us a few moments
and wait outside?
Um, yes!
Of course, I mean, sure.
Yes, I mean, my fortune
teller's open 'til six, so.
Guess she can't tell you a
damn thing about your life
when the sun goes down.
Benny, just give us a minute.
Yes!
Right outside.
Sorry.
What about him?
What about him?
He's perfect.
Yeah, he's annoying,
but in 30 seconds,
he won't annoy too much.
And if those spasms
aren't physical comedy,
I don't know what the hell is.
You've already
directed him before,
so you'll know how
to get what you need.
I say he's our pest.
With all due respect, Lyle,
Benny has absolutely
no experience.
He's a virtual nobody with
a small modicum of talent.
Sometimes, Mr. Adams.
Martin.
Martin.
It's not the years of
experience that dictate
whether a person's right
for an opportunity.
I think sometimes people
are judged too harshly,
instead of encouraged.
We have lots of other options.
Mr. Adams,
is my company not called
Pressman Exterminators?
Yes, it is, sir.
And do I not have final
approval in my commercials?
Yes, you do, sir.
Then kindly inform Mr. Costa
that he's been cast
in this commercial.
Happy to.
I'm not sure
whether you're aware,
but you're staring at me.
Am I?
It's just interesting to finally
put a face with the name.
I used to read
your column every week.
Perhaps I'm close-minded.
Perhaps.
But I wouldn't
think a businessman
would be interested
in what I wrote about.
I wasn't always a businessman.
Years ago, I was an actor.
You?
Would I have seen
you in anything?
You did.
You saw me, and you
eviscerated me in your column.
I think the exact line was,
"If pressed to say
anything positive
"about Lyle Pressman's
performance,
"I would note that he managed
to remember all of his lines,
"even if he didn't know
what any of them meant."
I suppose you didn't
find that amusing.
You suppose correctly.
Mr. Pressman, what can I say?
I am so honored,
grateful, and honored.
This must be what people feel
like when they win an award.
This must be what
people feel like
when they hit the jackpot!
This must be what
people feel like...
I understand, Mr. Costa.
I'm very happy for you.
But if you don't deliver
in my commercial,
that very happy
feeling won't last.
Don't disappoint me.
Never, I wouldn't.
Alright, I think that's it.
I will email you, Benny,
with more details, and..
Keep next Friday clear.
Anything you say!
Thanks, Ted.
Impressed with me, yet?
Benny, if anyone could represent
pests around the world,
it's certainly you.
He's in love.
Now we have to see
him twice next week.
I forgot the menus.
Go ahead, we're done here.
Thanks, Lyle.
I'll see you next week.
You good with this?
I'm good.
So were you any good?
Excuse me?
At acting.
Were you any good?
I think I may have
had some promise.
But ultimately, no.
I don't think I was good,
really.
Then I read what you wrote.
That was my last straw.
I hung it up for good.
After that, I made my father
the happiest person in the world
and became CEO of Pressman.
So perhaps I did you a favor.
You just say whatever you want
for the most part, don't you?
For the most part.
Sometimes I want
to say even more.
Why don't I buy you a drink,
and you can tell me everything?