He's with Me (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Real Babies - full transcript

Are you always this short?

No, you
are just always above me.

In your mind, anyway.

Haha, that's funny.

You can be funny.

But no funny business.

Do you have keys?

Shit. God, Marty.

How drunk are you?!

Drunk
enough to let you take me home.

This is cosy, isn't it?



Really cosy.

Why don't you, stay down
there, stay right there,

while I open the door, okay?

Okay, okay.

Hello.

- Watch your step...
- Shit...

You know what?

You're not so bad
looking for a hobo.

As usual,
your flattery needs work.

Now, I think you should
get off of me, don't you?

I dunno.

You're not so bad
looking for a hobo.

I get that a lot.

Do you know, that I am
unemployed and single,



and that Ted has
a new girlfriend?

You do know you're not
Ted's old girlfriend, right?

Yes, but...

It was nice, having
somebody to do things with.

Oooh, Marty, what're you doing?

Wha...

Marty?

Martin?

Great work on the
post control proposal.

Thanks, Mr. Weston, I was
afraid it was dead on arrival.

We're giving you the account.

It's a big one.

Takes a real man, you
sure you're up for it?

Absolutely, I, yeah.

Thank you, Mr. Weston.

Don't thank me,
just, do a good job.

I will, I will do a great job.

You're doing well here.

I like your,
Midwestern-nice-guy approach.

Snows the clients.

Keep it up.

Thank you for putting
so much trust in me.

I won't let you down.

There it is.

That "aw, shucks" crap.

Brilliant.

But save it for the clients.

Around here you can
be a regular guy.

- And get to work, apps.
- Yeah.

Thank you, Mr. Weston.

Nngh.

Oof.

Ooooh, I always wondered what

you would look
like in the morning!

I will never think
about it again!

Benny.

The hell are you doing here?

My God, I feel like death.

Saving your life.

Someone had a little
too much to drink.

God, please,

tell me it was all
a terrible dream.

It was all a terrible dream.

Except for the
getting fired part.

Thank you.

Anything else from
that dream you remember?

The girl.

You mean, Ted's girlfriend?

She's not his girlfriend yet.

That name, Chicken?

Henny.

A terrible, terrible name.

Do you have a
right side of the bed?

Actually,
I was sleeping on the floor.

That's where you landed.

You were too
heavy for me to lift,

so I just left you, um.

Let you sleep there.

You brought me home
and stayed the night?

I slept here on the couch.

Which is unbelievably
comfortable.

These pillows are so like,
fluffy.

I'm glad, Benny.

I'm good now,
though, you can go.

What are you gonna do now,
Marty?

I mean,
have you thought about it?

What about doing a blog?

You could do a blog.

I can't even think
about it right now, Benny.

Even my fingernails hurt.

I think, maybe a novel.

Or a play.

You've always wanted to write.

You could go on unemployment
and be a tortured writer!

Wow, that is so romantic.

It's like a movie.

Are we at the part
where you leave yet.

Okay, okay!

I'm going, but um.

I, are you sure?

There's nothing
else you remember?

About last night?

Okay.

Take a hot shower,
and eat something.

Things won't look so bad.

By the way, um, you've had
a wriggle at your teeth?

All night.

So you should try to
recover more things.

About you.

Hey, Benny.

What are you doing here?

I'm nursemaid.

Not my favorite role,
but necessary.

He's still brooding.

Thanks for the heads up!

Good morning!

Loud morning, shhhhh...

Sorry.

Just wanted to see how you
were doing after last night.

Haven't seen you that
bummed since college.

It's more fun in college.

No jobs, just boring classes

that were supposed
to prepare us for life

but waste of money.

Things will get better.

You could come work at the shop.

Just while you're
figuring things out.

You want some coffee?

Sure.

I don't know.

God, I don't know
if I should have any.

I didn't mean to stump you
with such a difficult question.

Hey, um, Marty?

There's um,

been some developments!

What?

Yeah, you've put on a few
pounds, but you look good!

You're having a
breast reduction.

No, Marty!

I'm having a baby!

Okay, take two.

Marty, I'm having a baby!

A real baby?

Well, yes,
I'm gonna have it tested,

but I'm assuming
it's gonna be real.

W-well that's great, hon!

I know, right?!

Val's pregnant.

That's huge!

Congratulations!

Yeah. Thanks, man. Thanks.

So why am I freaking out?

I mean, I know it could be
new dad nerves or whatever,

but I...

I think it's more than that.

No. Nonono.

This sounds totally natural.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I mean, it could be because
she surprised me, right?

That's a huge surprise to
spring on somebody like that.

Totally.

I mean, it
could be because we've

only been married a few months,
right?

- Yeah, it could be that.
- Yeah.

I mean, it's, all of it's new.

It could be either
of those things.

Yeah, yeah.

No, it's not that,
that's the thing!

I think it's something more.

I don't think I'm ready, Ted.

Baby's not coming tomorrow,
Eddie,

you're gonna have time to
wrap your head around it

and adjust.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good point.

I mean, 'cause a man is supposed
to have a family, right?

That's what men do, right?

I, I don't know about that.

I mean, my boss thinks
I'm Stuart Smalley.

What?

Why?

You know, I'm very caring

and compassionate
with the client.

He says that's why I
booked a huge account.

That's great!

Right?

Why do I feel like you feel?

Fuck.

Being a man's...

It's hard.

No, no no no.

This is silly, this is silly.

I just booked the biggest
account of my career,

you're gonna be a dad, we
should be out celebrating.

We should be doin' it up.

Yeah, man,
you are totally right.

We should be
livin' it up right now.

We should be so...

I mean, these are
milestone days for us, right?

- Yeah. This is...
- Promotion, family.

Great.

It's gonna be alright.

It's gonna be alright.