He's with Me (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Ball Busting - full transcript

Hi, Earl.

What kind of problem?

Yeah, I wrote that.

Well, she did look like
she had a club foot.

How am I supposed to know that?

It's not like
they put it in her bio.

Lawsuit?

Shit, Earl, what does that mean?

I'll have something in for you

by day end, Mr. Weston.

Miss Hernandez!



Can I see you for a minute,
please?

Yes, Mr. Adams?

Yeah, I was just having
a bit of a hard time

getting this
presentation in order.

It might benefit from
an extra pair of eyes.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

That was very efficient.

Managing projects
is my specialty.

That's why the temp agency
submitted me for this job.

I didn't know we got
you from a temp agency.

I mean, not "got you"
like a dog from a pound,

because obviously you're not
a dog, you're very attractive.

But not in a
sexually-harrassy kind of way,

more like an asexual
benign kind of way.



Which, I'm not asexual.

I am heterosexual, in
case you were wondering.

But, why would
you be wondering that...

Look,
I didn't mean to offend you.

I'm not a harmful person, okay?

I wouldn't kill ants,
or flies...

Cockroaches I'd kill.

I hadn't seen these things
before I moved to the city,

and I scream like a
girl when I see them.

Then I throw a shoe at
them. Shoes work best.

Boots, generally.

Big, masculine, manly boots

with dirt on them.

The kind that I'd wear
on like a hunting trip

with my best pal, Eddie...

I don't kill anything.

I just hang out,
keep him company.

Eddie doesn't kill anything
either, pretty much.

Except for a perfectly
good afternoon.

Wow, that wasn't funny.

I thought it was funny.

Are you feeling okay, baby?

My God.

Thank you. I'm fine, baby.

I was just grazed.

Luckily the other
guy had terrible aim.

And I got him before he
could do any more damage.

So everything
is totally alright.

What can I get for you?

Nothing.

Do you want some water?

A drink?

I have some Quaaludes from
a really long time ago.

Baby.

The doctor says I just
need to rest a little bit,

and everything will
be back to normal.

- Okay.
- Okay?

So...

You're still gonna be able to...

I mean,
we're still gonna be able to...

There's nothing wrong
with my dick, babe. Okay?

Wasn't even touched.

And for once, I'm glad of that.

Can I get another
dirty martini please?

Whatcha drinking about?

Benny.

You are like walking,
breathing salt

being poured into my bloody,
open wound.

Is it any wonder
why you're so well-liked?

What are you doing here, Benny?

This is my uncle's place.

I help him out once in
a while in the kitchen.

You cook?

You tell me.

I'm gonna make you something
to suck up that vodka.

Didn't go so well?

No. No, they shot down
every one of my ideas,

and they went
with one of Tyler's,

and that guy doesn't have an
original bone in his body.

Where is the dairy alternative?

Sorry it didn't go well,
Mr. Adams.

Call me Ted.

Okay.

You know,
if we didn't work together,

I would say that we
should go out for a drink.

Today's my last day.

Here.

What is it?

Your salvation. Now eat.

I have to say, Benny.

This is not the worst
thing I've ever eaten.

The cranky critic strikes again.

Well, these days are numbered.

In fact, these days are
in negative numbers.

Pink slipped, fired,
dumped, killed...

I got it, why?

Does it matter?

My life is over.

Enjoy the credits.

Are you choking?

Are you cry...

No, no, don't cry, Marty.

I know you're gonna get another
gig making fun of people.

Here, eat your dinner.

I'll be right back.

The fuck are you looking at?

Hello?

Hey, Valarie?

Yes, this is Valarie.

Hi, it's Benny.

I'm sorry, who?

Benny.

Benny?

Benny Costa?

Benny! Hi!

What?

Marty was fired?

No shit.

Is he okay?

Benny says that he's drowning
himself in dirty martinis.

Let's go.

I'm fine, really.

Are you sure?

Totally.

I just hate to think of
Marty all sad and vulnerable.

It's like watching
Mussolini cry.

Ted. They fired me.

Someone was gonna sue
them and they fired me.

What am I gonna do?

Okay, don't be afraid.

There's always
gonna be plenty of

terrible theater for you, Mart.

Benny,
how long as he been like this?

He was like that when
I got here an hour ago.

Who's this?

This is Miss Hernandez.

She works with me down...

She used to work with
me down at the office.

This is my friend, Martin.

I'm so sorry, Martin.

Maybe it's not as
bad as it seems?

And where are you from?

Sunnybrook Farm?

Are you on a date?

Not exactly.

I got the shaft at work today,
too.

We just thought we'd
drown our sorrows.

Did you get fired?

No.

So you're fine, and
I still get more attention.

Sit down.

It's not gonna work.

Sweetheart, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about,

you should be proud of yourself.

Eddie, what happened?

- He was shot.
- At.

I was shot at. I'm fine.

- They grazed his...
- Thigh.

My thigh.

I bet.

= Hey. I was just grazed.

You should see that
other guy though.

I'm the lucky one.

Well, this has really
been a banner day

for us working men, hasn't it?

You got shafted. You got
grazed. And I got canned.

Let's drink to that. To
working men everywhere.

We haven't met your friend, Ted.

I'm Jenny Hernandez.

- Jenny.
- Jenny Hernandez.

Like a beautiful song.

Well. How
many drinks have you had?

And who are you,
the liquor police?

I think that's his fourth.

Dude, you're gonna hate
yourself in the morning.

But nobody else will. No more.

- Erudite opinions wrapped in...
- No, no, no.

Something else will come along,
buddy.

Like Miss Hernandez here?

- I can go if you...
- No. No.

Martin is just upset.

You'd leave me in a
second wouldn't you?

First Valarie gets married,

and now you'd find happiness
with your latest secretary,

and I'm left with Benny.

I'm left with Benny.

Benny cooked for me.

Benny appreciates my
hard work and dedication.

Benny read my column every
day, didn't you, Benny?

- Well, almost...
- Every day.

Martin.

You're making a little bit
of a spectacle of yourself.

It is not the end of the world,

let's put it in some
perspective here.

What do you know
about perspective?

I know that
Eddie was a hero today.

He stopped a dangerous man
from hurting innocent people,

and he got shot in the balls.

I was grazed.

- I'm sorry, did I say balls?
- I'm sorry.

Eddie, that is awesome.

Thanks, buddy.

The balls part sucks.

Yeah, I was just grazed.

I gotta take this, excuse me.

Hello?

Mr. Kissle?

Yeah, tomorrow morning,
nine a.m.

Okay, I'll see you then.

What was that?

They found out Tyler's
campaign was plagiarized,

and they wanna take
another look at mine.

- Great.
- Cool.

That's so amazing, Ted.

Yeah, that's so amazing, Ted.

You both avoided having your
balls served to you today.

I, however, was not as lucky.

Marty...

No, it's okay.

I'm just gonna head home now,

'cause you all have
so much to celebrate.

You're being a
bit dramatic, aren't you?

If I were able to
determine dramatics,

then I would not
have been canned.

Benny?

Here's some
money for your uncle.

I'll see that he gets home okay.

Jenny.

♫ I'm riding on a carousel

♫ I'm moving
but I just can't tell

♫ Where I've gone,
or where I'm going

♫ And now
everything is flying by

♫ And I'm to busy getting high

♫ And coming down

♫ I've been wearing out my soul

♫ And I've been
feeling like I'm old

♫ And I've been going
down the same old road

♫ I always tend to go

♫ And these walls
are coming down

♫ While I look for solid ground

♫ Its been a long time coming

♫ But I think I'm
finally coming around