He's with Me (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Dude - full transcript

Hey there.

Hey.

Menu, bill, bill.

You know I should go paperless.

When you see an actual paper
with an amount that you owe

it makes it kinda worse.

I guess.

I'm Ted, by the way.

Forklore.

Glen.

Good to meet you, Glen.



That's right, you
have a roommate, right?

No, no I live alone.

Okay.

I just see you with another
guy so I wasn't sure if you...

Tallish,
dark, great head of hair?

Yeah.

No, it's just a friend of mine.

Well nice meeting you man.

Good to meet you, Glen.

Hey, Dad.

I'm just on my way
to meet Martin.

Yeah, the gay guy
I was telling you about.

Nope.

100% gay.



The stuff that people do,
you know?

We eat out,
we go to the theater.

We go shopping.

Yeah, we do straight stuff too.

We went to a Yankee game.

No, he's a fan.

Ha-ha-ha,
no he didn't bring a fan.

No, I'm not turning gay dad,
he's just a good friend.

What?

When?

We're all having
dinner tomorrow night.

Yeah, okay.

I'd love to see you.

No, okay.

I will call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Bye dad.

Crap.

Yay, hey we're having one
more guest for dinner tonight.

We are?

Who?

My dad.

Your dad's in town?

Why didn't you say so?

No reason.

Totally psyched he's coming.

Then why do you sound like
you're about to take the SATs?

You're funny.

Just don't want you to feel
uncomfortable, or anything.

Well don't worry about it,
Teddy.

Dad's love me.

I'm great with dads.

No, not daddys.

That's something different.

Boy, I would hate to be
that onion right now.

Look,
I just don't know if my dad's

ever spent an evening
with a gay guy before.

I'm thinking it's a
safe bet he hasn't.

Whoa, Nelly.

What you call me?

What's with the drinkfest?

Ted's making me all nervous

'cause his dad's
coming to dinner.

I feel like a big rainbow
with glitter all over it.

That would make a hot dress.

Hey yo, Ted.

If it gets awkward,
just make out with Val.

I'll totally understand.

It's him.

Okay, why don't we all
just calm down and relax,

and let's try to
enjoy ourselves.

And maybe let's try to
stay a little sober.

Define a little.

Hey,
don't let him see that painting

over your bed, Martin.

It's completely impressionistic.

Note to Martin?

It's a huge dick.

What painting?

It looks like a
tree spewing colors.

It looks like a
dick spewing sperm.

Can we close the
door just in case?

Val, you open the door.

He sees a woman first, I think
that would bode well for us.

I love that painting.

I can get it.

He knows me.

No, no, no.

Val will open the door.

That's a ridiculous idea.

It is my apartment,
I will answer the door.

And I agree with Val.

Let's all calm down and
stop being ridiculous.

You must be Bruce.

Yes, Adams.

I'm Martin Adams.

Ted didn't mention
that you had the same name,

or we had the same name.

Well I guess we're
more alike than we think.

Hey, good to see you, Bruce.

Eddie!

Look at you!

Wow.

Just like when you were a kid.

Almost exactly.

Nothing.

He's making a joke.

Good to see you dad.

Good to see you.

Martin's a very funny guy.

Bruce, meet my wife Valerie.

Hi, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Bruce.

We all love your Ted.

He is a real sweetheart.

A real sweetheart?

Bruce, may I take your coat?

And my I call you Bruce?

Yeah, and do I call
you Martin or Marty?

Either's fine.

I'm easy.

Alright then.

Dad, do you want some wine?

I don't know.

I've got an early
meeting in the morning.

What is it you do?

I'm in sales,
computer equipment.

That sounds necessary.

Yeah,
I think I will have that wine.

You have quite an
art collection, Martin.

Do you like art, Bruce?

Not much.

So, how did you and Ted
become friends?

We met in a men's room.

At Eddie's wedding!

I was helping to
wipe stuff off him.

Champagne off his tuxedo.

I was wiping
champagne off his tuxedo.

Someone spilled champagne on
his tuxedo, that's how we met.

I bet the rental
company had a fit about that.

Actually I own my own tuxedo.

I go to a lot of formal parties.

Fancy.

Well I don't think
of it as fancy.

I guess it could be fancy.

Who is that?

I'm not sure.

That could be Benny.

He has some swatches for me.

In order to save money
for our new apartment,

I'm making Eddie some clothes.

What's a swatch?

It's a piece of fabric.

I guess Benny's aunt
owns a fabric company

he pedals on the side,
or something.

On the side of what,
unemployment?

Hello, people!

Those stairs are a bitch!

But this ass is gonna
look fabulous this summer!

Benny!

I just bought one of
those thong bathing suits.

It's gonna look amazeballs.

Excuse me.

Where's the bathroom?

Right through that door?

Not that door, dad!

So I gathered.

Theodore, can I have a
word with you please?

Ted,
I have got some serious concerns

about your new friends.

I mean I know when you
move into a new city,

I know that there are a
lot of new people to meet,

to become friends with, and
you're on the subway with them,

and you're sharing
the same sidewalks,

but what is going on here?

Dinner.

With friends.

Eddie is friends with
Martin and that Benny?

Well Eddie and Martin
don't always get along, no.

Yeah, why do you think that is?

Well 'cause they're
different guys, okay?

Martin and I are more
alike than they are.

Really?

And how are you guys alike?

Dad, okay gay men and
straight men can be friends.

You know this right?

Take a look at that.

Yeah, it's well, provcative.

It's pornographic.

It's abstract, dad.

What is abstract
about a giant...

I can't even say it.

Maybe that's your problem,
not mine.

Excuse me?

Explain yourself.

I don't have to explain
myself to anybody.

You didn't have friends
like this back home.

Yeah,
and I couldn't talk this closely

with my friends back home.

These were guys that
thought that we were close

if we called each other dude.

We're modern men, we should
be able to talk about

more than boobs and sports.

And I can do that with Martin.

You know, if I'm nervous
about living in a big city,

I could talk about that,
or if I miss Julie,

or if I think I'm not
cutting the mustard at work,

I can talk about that with
Martin, and he listens.

What about Eddie?

Eddie's great, okay?

But he doesn't listen!

Martin does.

I can just be
honest with the guy

and I don't have to worry
about coming off like a wuss.

Okay?

And I like that.

It makes me feel like a
man, like more of a man.

And anybody who
has a problem with that

has to take it up with me.

I'm pushing 40, dad.

I'm trying to come
into my own as a man.

Not as a midwestern man,
or a New York City man,

or a gay man, or a straight man.

As Ted.

Theodore Bruce Adams.

Capiche?

Yeah.

So, are you hungry?

Yeah.

Now let's go get some grub.

Yes.

Yeah.

This is your color
sweetheart, right here.

Very nice.

So glad,
'cause I was really worried.

Let's try the purple one.

Same material, very silky.

This would be so hot
with like a black suit

and purple lapel.

Purple lapel.

Everything alright, man?

Yeah, I think so.

Purple definitely is
not your color, Eddie.

Just trying to get it right,
Bruce.

That's hot.

That's like Guido farmer.

He can rock that.

You could rock Guido farmer.

Look at this.

Hey Glen.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Do you have any gay friends?

What? Me?

What? No.

Do you have any
close guy friends?

Yeah.

I mean like, you know,
if you're having problems

with your girlfriend
or your wife.

Who do you talk to?

What do you mean, like therapy?

No.

Like friends.

Yeah, I don't know dude.

Heh.

Alright.

Thanks, Glen.

Yeah, for what?

You just proved a point, dude.

That's a nice shirt, by the way.

Yeah.

Hey, Martin.

No, I'm just on my way out.

No, I'll see you soon.

Okay.