He's with Me (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - High Rise High Noon - full transcript

Uuhhh, wow.

Wow!

My god!

Benny, can we afford this place?

Not by a long shot.

But it's good to see
things beyond your range

for comparison shopping.

I gotta pee.

Wow, this place is beautiful.

Martin would love this place.

Where is he anyway?



Teddy just texted, he
said he'll here soon.

He and Marty are brunching.

Why do you say it like that?

Like what?

Like brunching.

I didn't say it any way.

That's Ted, I'll get it.

How do you know that that's Ted?

He's become a soft knocker.

What?

A soft knocker. He
used to knock like a man,

now, just scribbles,
scrabbles at the door.

Valerie...

Hey Ted, wow, you look handsome.



Thank you beautiful.

What the fuck is up with
this two kiss bullshit?

Everybody I met in the
last few weeks in the theatre

they all kiss on both cheeks.

We've been going to lots
of opening night parties.

You know what,
they're actually fun.

Been hitting a lot of
theatre lately, Ted?

I've seen more theatre
in the last few weeks

than I have in my entire life.

You used to be a hard knocker.

What?

Nothing.

Anyway, this place has
really beautiful light.

You know what would
look good over there?

Like a chaise lounge or a plant?

So now you're an
interior decorator?

Just thinking out loud.

I think a chaise lounge
would look good there.

Well, well, well, if it
isn't Batman and Robin.

Hey Benny

Hey, you're looking sharp Ted.

Thanks.

And Martin,
you look very dashing today.

Is there a bathroom
in this place?

Yeah, down the hall to the left.

The locks a little weird
so knock if you get stuck

which would be hilarious!

So what are we drinking?

Cheap beer is
downstairs apparently.

How great is this?

Okay, guys, I want a little
advice about something.

I want to get Martin
something nice for taking me

to all these parties.

What do you think of a tie?

What's he going
to do with a tie?

Some guys like to wear
them with colored shirts

around their necks Eddie.

Well then that's a good
idea because I would love

to see Martin with
something around his neck.

Try this!

I heard him talking
about it before.

Here smell.

Jesus, what is that shit?

It's called "Essence."

Essence of what?

Butt?

I like it.

So I'll get him the cologne?

No, terrible idea.

I can barely stand to
see Martin, I don't need

to smell him.

I kind of like how it
smells, it's masculine, musky.

You think that smells masculine?

Boy, Martin's really
done a number on you.

I gotta go wash this
shit out of my nose.

What's up with Eddie?

He just likes to argue
with Martin, it's their thing.

I can make Eddie
and Martin get along.

That lock is a little funky,

I thought I was
trapped in there.

Take you back
to your closet days?

What's that smell?

It's Essence, we like
it, Eddyie's not so sure.

I'm sure,
smells like the men's room

at the Monster
during Pride week.

Spend a lot of time in
gay bars during Pride week

do you Eddie?

You know what?

You couldn't pay me to
spray that shit on me.

As a matter of fact, I'd
prefer you spray shit on me.

We can arrange that.

Too late.

Okay, all right, go.

I'm here to make sure
you two become friends.

And neither of you is
getting out that door

so I suggest
you start getting along.

We get along fine, you freak.

He just thinks he's better
than me cause he's gay.

Being gay is nothing
to do with it, Eddie.

I'd be better than you if
I were maimed, lobotomized

and up to my neck in sand.

What the hell makes you
think you're so much better

than me?

Just cause you wear
your little man outfits

and write for the paper,
all you do

is repel the the masses
with your poison pen

and your poison personality.

Well your all so sweet
natured and good to everybody

when am I more than
just punch line to you?

So you can't take a joke now?

Cause all you ever
do is mock people.

I can attest to that.

Shut up Benny.

See, gay or straight,
you're the jerk.

Okay, okay, good, good, we're
putting' it all out there,

great?

Okay now, Martin, what do you
think about what Eddie said?

Martin?

Marty?

You beat him.

It's awfully quiet in there.

You don't think they'd
hurt Benny, do you?

Odds are good.

At least their bonding.

This is good, made him mute.

Well, I for one,
think it's a great thing

you have done for humanity.

Ouwww,
maybe you should apologize?

Apologize?

Apologize for what?

I just said he can be a jerk.

So can you.

Yeah, I can be a jerk.

Uhuh!

Jesus Christ!

So, you admit it?

Admit what?

That you're a jerk.

I didn't admit that.

I said I can be a jerk,
there's a difference.

Okay, okay, let's try this.

Theatre game, I'm gonna
ask you what you dislike

about the other person.

Okay, Martin, what is it about
Eddie that irritates you?

Well, I guess I would say,
that he doesn't appreciate

the finer things in life and
he mocks me out because I do.

What do you mean, like you're
books and artwork and shit?

Yeah, like my books and
artwork and that shit.

Okay, okay, now Eddie,

what about Martin bothers you?

He thinks that
I don't have any idea

what he's talking about,
like I'm some sort of

untrained dog or something.

Well, you know what, I do know
what you're talking about.

I do.

I just don't always let
on that I know because...

Because...

Because I have a
reputation to protect,

you know...

It's one thing to know
things, it's another thing

to let people know
you know things.

What things?

What are you talking about?

I know all the musicals
from the 50's and 60's.

What?

What?

Not, hey,
a god damn word to anyone.

You, you like musicals?

My parents, okay,
they liked musicals.

"Oklahoma", "My Fair Lady",
I know em' all

and if you say one god
damn word to anybody,

I will get all "Westside"
story on your ass,

and cut you up.

What's your problem?

You don't like musicals?

No, I actually hate musicals.

Yeah, it's true.

Have you read
his column this week?

Wait, I can quote it.

"The musical adaptation
of "Terms of Endearment"

currently running on
Broadway, would be much better

if we all covered our ears
and joined the cast in

crying during act two.

See, there's your
poison pen again Marty.

It's my job Eddie.

You don't have ta
always be reviewing me.

Well you don't
always have to treat me

like I'm a fairy princess.

I'm gay, I'm not a woman.

This house is clean.

My god, I was so worried.

Okay, see you guys
sorted out your thing.

Well, we have an understanding.

A silent understanding.

I'm so proud
of the two of you.-

- There you go guys.

And now...

Right.

Right.

Marty, we sort of pimped
you out for your own sake.

Yeah, you're gonna review
Benny's latest cabaret.

It's called "Strange
and Surprising."

That's what it would
be if I showed up.

Come on Marty, I do have talent.

Let's get these
two guys a drink.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Look how in sync they are.

It's like "The
Sound of Music."