He's with Me (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Sexy Things - full transcript

Martin and Ted bond at a gallery exhibit. Val and Eddie have a disagreement over vaginas and Benny lends some helpful insight.

What are we doing here again?

Well, Benny invited us.

I thought it would be nice
if we actually showed up.

Looks like it's good we did,

it's pretty sparse.

If you're nice to him
then he keeps coming back.

Sh.

If we see Benny, you're
gonna be nice to him.

You're always so mean to him.

I am never mean to anybody,

I just treat people the way
that they should be treated.



You know they say
there's a fine line between

love and hate.

Meaning what.

That I have sexy
feelings for Benny.

What, no.

Just that he's not
that bad of a guy.

I mean at the play on the
weekend he had some pretty

interesting things to say.

Believe me, I have less
than feeling for Benny.

I can just be a bitch sometimes.

What is the name
of this exhibit?

Um.

Sexy things.

Classy title.



Hello boys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Have you seen the
picture of the scrotum?

What the hell is this place.

Teddy are you getting kinky now

you've been hanging
out with Marty.

What does that mean.

Gay guys are more...

This should be good.

Gay guys are more open
with their sexuality.

Heterosexual guys
keep that to themselves.

There's a picture
of boobs over there.

Where.

Well, well, well.

Look who showed up.

Come to see the dirty
pictures, did you boys?

Thanks for the invite, Benny.

Marty, it's good to see you.

Is it Benny,
that wasn't my intention.

Charming as ever.

So far this place is a bust.

Literally.

I thought the breast exhibition
was highly unimpressive.

I prefer your boobs
any day sweet thing.

You are such a poet.

This, on the other hand, is a...

Giant.

Vagina.

Wow.

That is a good looking vagina.

I mean it's big,

but it's...

Pretty.

What is so pretty about it.

What.

Would you prefer that mine
were humongous like this thing.

What are you talking about.

Yuck.

Please, did it sound
so yuck a second ago.

Valerie,
I am just appreciating art.

Please.

You made a beeline for the
boobs and now you are drooling

over this ginormous va-jay-jay.

Listen, they are not
just here to satisfy

you masculine,
primal urges, buddy.

You know.

They are not
just for recreation.

They are for procreation, too.

Geez.

Hey,
you ever have sex with a woman?

Why do you want to know that.

I don't know, I was
just wondering I guess.

Sort of on a bet.

A bet that you won
or a bet that you lost.

Well somebody won
and somebody lost.

I'm not exactly sure who.

It was alright.

What about you?

I have had sex with women, yes.

I assumed that, Ted.

I mean,
what was your first time like.

Um, high school sweetheart.

Prom night.

Hotel room, candy, flowers.

Champagne?

We were underage.

Hey there, Eddie.

Hi Benny.

What do you think
of the exhibit.

It's pretty graphic,

but I like it.

What's the matter,
you seem blue.

Female trouble.

How would you know that.

You're staring at a huge vagina.

I at least had this
stigma for me in school,

goodie goodie Ted shoes.

Darn kids.

Did they call you any
nicknames in high school.

Yes but I wouldn't
repeat any of them.

Damn kids.

Damn kids.

I think that's the first
time I've heard you swear.

Note to Valerie,

I know that vaginas
are for making babies.

Not technically, but I
know what you're going for.

Why are you whispering
the word vagina.

I always thought it wasn't
nice to say it out loud.

Why not, they're splattered
all over the walls.

Bad choice of words.

Let me give you a little advice.

You see,
what she's thinking, Eddie,

is that after a months worth
of post martial relations,

you've got this golden
chalice of pleasure

right at your finger tips.

God, I wish I hadn't said that.

No, that's good.

In a nutshell,

I wish I hadn't
said that either.

She wants to know that you
think of her and her parts

as there for more than just,
ya know...

I'm speechless.

Is that even possible.

This is why I don't date women.

Okay it's one of the very minor
reasons I don't date women.

We were talking
about the vagina.

And I said it looked pretty.

You did?

Yeah.

You think it's pretty.

Yeah.

Biological sort of way, I do.

And Valerie didn't agree.

No, she thinks I'm a pig.

And then she went on
and on about how vaginas

aren't just for recreation.

She wouldn't have
to tell me twice.

Who is this mysterious
woman you had sex with?

A girl in college
a long time ago.

God we were both aching
to lose our virginities.

Some of the guys
bet I couldn't do it.

Your virginities?

Was it Val?

No, but Val knew her.

Her name was Alicia.

What was it like.

That.

She called me asking
about apartments.

I think she's thinking
about a family.

You've talked about it, right?

Yeah, but not...

Ya know, today.

Someday.

Well, maybe you should
start thinking about

making a family.

I mean she obviously is.

The big vagina is a sign.

It is?

There's a vagina sign?

You seem like you'd
be good with kids.

Really?

Yeah.

You think so?

Yeah.

Yeah right.

I thought someone
stuck their gum there.

That's...

Great composition.

It's shiny.

Like it's wet.

Mhm.

Thank God.

You were gone such a long time

which is disconcerting
seeing as we're

at the Sodom
and Gomorrah art show.

I was chatting with Benny.

He said I may be
missing some signs.

What signs.

The vagina, ya know, a sign.

A sign.

What is the vagina a sign for.

You know,
the vagina symbolizes family.

What are you talking about.

Babies.

Benny said that you
might not like the fact

that I'm drooling over a
vagina because it might

seem that I have you
as a sexual play thing

that I can have whenever I want.

When in fact you may
be thinking about us

starting a family.

How does Benny
know these things.

Well he said you were
looking for an apartment,

so am I close?

I don't know, Eddie.

I mean I see us
having kids someday.

But we just got married.

And.

I guess I got a
little upset back there

because I...

I don't know.

Maybe my clock
is ticking louder.

I mean, I really still
think of myself as a girl.

I mean, not a girl, but
certainly not old enough

to be somebody's mother.

You know, I still think
about us getting out

of the city.

Backpacking for a little while.

See the country.

Sleep under a tent.

Where it's cold
and there's no TV.

Okay,
I don't really think about that.

I mean, having a family now.

I don't know.

Wow.

Kids.

It's kinda confusing, Val.

Yeah.

Why don't we go and check
out that penis exhibition

that, you know,
might clarify some things.

You think there's
gonna be a giant penis

like a giant vagina.

Baby.

In this town there are bound
to be some big dicks around.

Wow that vagina
sculpture was really...

You've always been
a bit of a ladies man.

I don't think
Alicia would agree.

Hoping you can
come to our next exhibit.

Why thank you.

Thanks.

Hey, weren't you gay
like five minutes ago.

Maybe I'm jumping the fence.

So, what did you all
think of sexy things.

Very eye opening.

Thank you, Benny.

Every opportunity
that Benny cost us.

Smile Marty.

Hey, Marty, don't
forget to catch my calibre.

It's coming up.

I didn't say one
mean word to him.