He's with Me (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Mandate - full transcript

Welcome to Fact or Fiction.

I'm your host Rob Baker.

Now today's show.

Do these jeans make me look fat?

Did you seriously just
ask me that question?

I have matronly hips, Eddie.

I have to be careful
when I choose my jeans.

Just jeans, Ted.

I know they're just jeans.

I want to know if
they're big butt jeans.

Dude, who cares about your butt?



You're going to a baseball game.

So note to Ted,

men don't care what
their butts look like

at a baseball game.

Or titty bar.

Or the gun club.

I've never had so much trouble
figuring out what to wear.

What the hell is the big deal?

It's a baseball game.

I know, usually I wouldn't care.

It's just I don't want to
look too put together or too.

Gay.

You're trying to look
less gay 'cause you're

going to the game with Ted.



Is this 'cause you're
going out with Marty?

Are you dressing up for
your first man date?

It's not a man date.

I just don't want to look wrong.

What if you look too right?

What do you mean by that?

What if he likes what he sees?

Does he get into straight guys?

Not without a few Jamesons
and a tube of Astroglide.

I just don't want him
to think that all gay men

are so concerned
with how they look.

This is a bad idea.

It's a bad idea, it's a
bad idea, it's a bad idea.

No it's not.

It's just two guys, one
is gay, one is straight.

No big thing,
going to a baseball game.

We'll get our tickets,
we'll find our seats,

we'll get a beer.

It'll be fun, it'll be fun.

It'll be fun.

Some popcorn, a hot dog.

You know,
but not at the same time.

I'm going to get
some Cracker Jacks.

Going to be fun.

It's a baseball game.

What is the matter with you?

Dude, Martin doesn't
fall for anyone, okay?

Or vice versa.

He's an acquired taste like,

pig ass.

Exactly.

Exactly.

You should totally come with us.

My idea of a threesome does
not include Martin Adams.

How's this?

Perfect, you look straight.

You look gay.

What's up?

This is the knob that
used to flush our toilet.

Finally came off?

Yes and there's a
huge crack in the wall

up by the stairs.

Sweetie, I think we need to
find a new place to live.

But I got this place
when I joined the force.

Feel like I became a man
in this, this apartment.

Well, now
it's becoming a hazard.

Let's just have Benny show
us some new apartments.

Glad we left the game.

I honestly had no idea that
those seats were going to be so.

Heavenly?

Yeah, the company box was taken,

and those were the only seats

I could score at
the last minute.

Score.

Anyway, I didn't know they
were going to be so high.

For a second I thought
I saw my aunt Joan.

We she at the game?

No, she died two years ago.

Well, she'll always
live on in our hearts.

Can I buy you a
drink to make up for it?

I will accept that offer.

So, what's your poison?

Wine coolers?

Wine coolers?

Do they even still
make wine coolers?

I just figured because you're.

Gay equals wine coolers?

You really think gay
guys drink wine coolers.

So you don't drink wine coolers.

Well I can't speak for
every gay person in the word,

but I would venture
to say none of us

really drink wine coolers

unless there's
nothing else around.

Including paint thinner.

They're so sweet though.

I get a little awkward sometimes
and I say stupid stuff.

Wish I was more assertive
and suave like you.

You really think I'm some
kind of barracuda, don't you?

Like I eat small
children for breakfast.

Some of them deserve it.

I get nervous.

I was nervous before
meeting you today.

You were nervous?

I'm intimidating?

Hey, I watch plays in
the dark and then I go home

and write about
them on my computer.

I don't really socialize a lot.

What a loser.

I'll say.

Nah, me neither.

Hey how about this.

Why don't we go to my
place to have a drink?

That way I can get
exactly what I want,

exactly the way I like it.

You're talking about drinks,
right?

No Ted, I was talking
about my nefarious plot

to coax you into homo-dome.

How about a sports bar?

Then we can watch the
fascinating game up close on TV.

Sports bar is
my second language.

Thai food.

Hey Marty!

And Ted.

You boys on a date?

Whatcha doin' Benny?

My cousin's art show.

Please come if you can.

Bet ya' say that a lot,
dontcha Marty?

You okay, honey?

Yeah I saw that crack.

Maybe we should
think about moving.

It's just I remember the day
that I moved in here, you know?

I was finally on my own.

Making my own money.

My own decisions.

This place is where
I became a man.

Babe, it's not the
apartment that made you a man.

We're going to
find a great place,

with all of the knobs intact.

Say knobs again.

Okay so, having never been gay.

What, that sounds funny.

Like you've never been
to Europe or something.

I've never been to Europe.

Well mainland Europe anyway.

So what is it like?

Europe?

No, what's it like being gay,

besides the persecution,

and the media stereotypes?

Probably just like what
it's like to be straight.

Except with guys.

A hit!

That could be good.

- Get under it.
- Come on, come on.

- Get under it, get under it.
- Come on, come on.

Get under it, get under it!

- Damn!
- You dropped it?

Third time today.

Grabbed more balls in gym class.

So,
what's it like to be straight?

Good question.

What do you mean?

Well, I had trouble, you
know, growing into my sexuality.

Did you have trouble with girls?

All the time.

- To this day.
- Really?

I think the trouble stopped
when I was pushing 40.

Why, you're a good-looking guy,

you shouldn't have a
problem getting dates.

You think I'm good-looking?

That's very cool.

Why is that cool?

You know I just figured
gay guys would know

what a good-looking
guy looks like.

So, thank you.

Sure.

Go!

My, that is good for the win!

Yes!

Just into the Yankee bullpen

down the right field
line to give the Yankees

a five nothing lead.

Still straight?

Yeah, as an arrow.

You?

Oddly I feel straighter somehow.

That's too bad, I was just
getting used to your gayness.