He's with Me (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Take Me Out - full transcript

Come in, Val.

Hey.

And Eddie.

Hello.

And Ted.

Mmhmm.

We've become quite the
threesome, haven't we?

We sure have.

We sure have.

Seems like we've
seen Ted every night

since we got married.



It's been every night?

It sure has.

It sure has.

I brought wedding pictures.

I'm returning your bowtie.

I'm empty handed.

Sorry.

Here you go.

Thanks.

That's a nice catch.

I wish the Yankees
were catching as well.

The boys are going
to catch a movie,

I thought we could
catch some G time.

What's this G time you speak of?



She's a girl and I'm a gay.

G time.

What are you seeing?

You wouldn't like it.

It's gonna be really violent
and have lots of blood,

and I know you hate Sting.

No, just you.

So you like baseball?

You sound surprised.

No, I'm not surprised.

I love baseball.

I'm a Yankees fan too.

You ever go to the games?

I haven't been
since they fired Torre.

I'd love to go this season,
though,

now that Girardi's getting
them back on track.

My gosh, we are barely
holding on to our lead.

Did you see that play
with Tex against the O's?

Man, that ump must
have been from Baltimore.

Seriously.

Go, go, go, go.

Come on, come on.

Yes.

Ted?

Didn't you say you could
get tickets or something?

Yeah, my company always
has all these tickets.

I think they're box
seats or something.

You know, maybe you guys
could catch a game then?

Totally.

That'd be great.

Do you think that
you could get a few?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll try.

Nice, we could go together, Val.

No.

No that's out of the question,
I can't go this season.

I'm so busy in the
boutique these days.

What about your nights?

Yours truly will
be taking those up.

I'm sorry.

Every night?

Every single one.

That's marriage, baby.

You know,
I'm reading this book that says,

you know the book?

This is a good book.

Yes you should see this book.

It says that you should
bond for at least a year

after you get married.

Like, polar bears do this.

We gotta be close.

That seems like
something you should do

before you get married.

You would think that,
wouldn't you?

Yeah, yeah.

But you're wrong.

It's so advanced.

It's very radical.

Way out there.

You have Eddie reading
a book about marriage?

So..

Don't tell anybody.

I can get you the tickets.

Great.

Sweet.

Tickets.

Great, thank you.

No problem.

What you working on over here?

Smells like my
momma's sauce, Marty.

Yeah I was feeling saucy.

My God.

Teddy has the sweetest sauce.

I make a good sauce.

I make a good sauce.

Any secrets?

I like my sauce
a little sweet, so

I put more sugar in than usual.

Maybe the two of you could
cook together some time.

I have a wok I would
totally want to wok with.

This guy, isn't he a hoot?

A laugh a minute.

That's great.

We gotta go.

The body count starts
after the opening credits.

So, um.

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay, thanks, Martin.

Grab his cam,
I will be down in one sec.

Yeah, yeah.

What?

You know for a
race that's supposed to

be all sensitive and shit..

Wait a minute,
we are not a race.

I'm not supposed
to be sensitive.

Dude wanted to
take you to a ballgame.

Who, Ted?

I never thought he'd
want to go with me.

You guys like,
travel in packs, don't you?

No wonder you don't
know any straight guys.

I know plenty of straight guys.

No you don't.

Listen.

Take him to a ballgame.

I'm not asking you to take
him to the shelter and

adopt a kitten,
for Christ's sake,

just take him to a ballgame.

And don't make him gay.

Aww.

Did she do that on purpose?

I don't know.

I don't really know
why she came.

God I look so happy.

Why not, you were drunk.

Okay.

Now see, people are gonna
remember that dress.

Remember it?

They would dip it in bronze
if it were necessary.

Does that come off?

No, that's always, she
always makes that face.

Geez, Eddie can look like
such a lummox sometimes.

You going out tonight?

With who?

Everybody's married.

You're married.

And I'm still here, you know.

At home.

With my sauce
and my imagination.

You know what, Marty?

You need to open your mind.

I did.

I mean, I still cannot believe
that I am married to Eddie.

That makes two of us.

It was just lucky for me
that I bumped into him at

that Bruce
Springsteen concert and

he spilled his drink
all over me.

It's like a harlequin romance.

And at first,
I wasn't even interested.

I mean, I thought to myself,
what will I

have in common with a cop?

But Eddie's very surprising.

He's really a very
modern man and I

never would have guessed
it, so what I'm saying is

sometimes there's more there.

See?

Here's one of Ted.

You should be friends with Ted.

I'm tired of this.

Why is everyone trying to set
me up with a straight man?

I am fine.

Really.

No you're not.

Your family lives upstate,
you work from home alone

and you haven't been in a
relationship in like, um, ever.

Take it from the girl in
the gold wedding dress.

Besides, this whole threesome
act is getting really

really old, so think
of it as a favor to me.

Okay?

Okay, please?

Okay, okay.

I guess we can go to a game.

He said he could get box seats.

Yes, you could.

What if we have absolutely
nothing to say to each other?

Then it will just be like
one of your many first dates.

See?

Here's one
of you and Ted together.

Boy do you guys
look uncomfortable.

You know what?

I think that's a good sign.

Well just when
you think the city's big.

Right?

I thought I left that small
town charm when I moved here.

How are you, Martin?

Good, how are you?

Good.

Just washed my hands,
by the way, so.

Good to know.

What are you doing here?

Coming back from lunch.

I work around here.

I was, um,
I was gonna call you, actually.

Really?

Why?

Well you mentioned
those Yankee tickets and

I thought maybe
you could get a couple.

Yeah,
I could probably get a few.

What do you need them for?

Well,
actually I was thinking that

maybe you and I could
go together.

It's weird.

It sounds like I'm asking
you on a date or something.

No, not at all.

I mean, I just,
I mean I've never been

asked out by a guy before.

Well I know that you
date women I just thought

maybe we would
have fun or something.

Yeah, yeah, we totally could.

I love baseball.

I like baseball too.

The Yanks are playing
the Chi Sox on the weekend.

Okay I think I'm free.

Awesome.

Good.

Do I have to buy you anything,
like souvenirs or drinks?

I've never been out with
a gay guy before, so.

Well in that case,
I am here to inform you.

Okay.

You do have to buy me drinks.

You have to see that
I make it home safely,

and I usually get 1000 dollars.

Alright, 250.

I'll take it.

But you have to listen to me
go on and on about my ex and

you gotta keep your
grubby hands to yourself.

You're not gonna
lay a hand on me.

Does punching count?

No.

No violence.

I know how the gays enjoy
the gladiator movies.

Rippling biceps and all of that.

But I will have none of it.

Alright.

Okay, lunch is over.

I gotta roll out.

Okay.

Hey, what does it mean if
I'm looking forward to this?

It means you have good taste.

You know, we could start
calling each other by

our last names if it'll make
you feel more comfortable,

like regular guys.

Okay.

Adams.

Adams.

I don't do that very often.

That's, that hurts.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Saturday.

See ya.