He's with Me (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Stalling - full transcript

Martin meets Ted for the first time in the bathroom at Val and Eddie's wedding, while Benny watches unamused. Val tries to convince Martin to step outside his comfort zone; and Eddie gets an ear full from Ted after a few rounds of whiskey.

♫ But it will never be the same

♫ I see your face,
I hear your name

♫ And though my weary
heart still longs for you

♫ It longs for you in vain

♫ Tell me...

Excuse me.

I didn't mean you, sir.

Please.

Thanks.

Sounded pretty good by the way.

Thank you.



The stall is out of order.

Crap.

I have a little problem
with public men's rooms.

I just feel a little vulnerable.

Probably comes
from when my brother

used to scare me in the
bathroom when we were younger.

He'd wait 'til I came in
and turned on the light,

and closed the door
and dropped my pants,

and then he'd jump from
behind the shower curtain

and I'd fall down with my
pants around my ankles.

You know that happens
enough to a person

and it kinda makes you
want a little protection

from the outside world when
you're doing your business

if you know what I'm saying.



And one last squirt.

Done.

I don't really know
why I told you that.

Anyway,
you probably hear boring stories

like that all the time.

Not a very good storyteller.

My ex used to tell me that.

Benny, get this champagne
off my $1200 dollar tuxedo.

Sure, Marty.

Some oaf at the
bar freaks out because

Eddie's a married man now
and he's joined the ranks

of all those other poor slobs.

Blah, blah, blah, the
same crap you've heard

a million times, but he
thinks it's fascinating

coming from him.

I know the feeling.

So he grabs a
bottle of champagne,

shakes it up, pops the cork,

and sprays everyone in its path,

including my tuxedo.

I get so tired of grow
men who think

that weddings are
elaborate frat parties.

You're one of them, aren't you?

Now you're gonna
beat me up in the alley

after the reception.

Making you wait would be rude.

I could punch you out
right here and now.

The stall's out of order.

Yeah, actually we met before.

You're Martin, right?

You can tell that
I'm Martin by watching me pee,

I'll take your word for
it we've met before.

Yeah, it was Valerie's
apartment a few years ago.

I was in from Michigan.

I'm sorry, I don't remember you.

It's okay, I had just moved here

so I've been telling
people that I've actually

met them before.

Did we converse?

Yeah,
you told me you were a writer,

I told you I was from Michigan.

That's when you checked out.

You should have told him
your shower curtain story.

Eddie and I,
we grew up together.

And when did this growth occur,

because I think Eddie is rounding
ninth grade maturity wise?

Anyway, I guess you won't
be seeing a lot of Eddie

now that he's married,
which kinda sucks

'cause I don't know a
lot of people in town,

and of course
I work in advertising,

and at the end of the day,
I really want

to hang out with
more advertising guys.

I would relax.

You can spend as much time
with Eddie as you like

because I don't
intend to let Valerie

become one of those
insular, self-inclusive,

whipped women whose lives
revolve around their husband.

You're dangerous, aren't you?

What'd you say
your name was again?

Ted Adams.

I'm Martin Adams.

We're both Adams.

Weird.

You did wash your hands,
didn't you?

I'm not a caveman, Martin.

Good one.

So how do you guys
know each other?

Two years ago
he gave my cabaret act

one of his notoriously
scathing reviews,

so I stalked him.

I basically sent him death
threats for like six months

and we've been
friendly ever since.

Or are you stalking me now,
Marty?

Wait,
notoriously scathing reviews?

Yeah, Martin here is the
infamous, cranky critic

from the Village Voice.

Marty is doing his job as a
quintessential bitter homo.

Shut up, Benny.

Wait a minute,
I have a question.

Are you bitter
because you're gay?

I'm curious.

I'm not curious,
at least not in that way.

I mean,
you know what I mean, right?

I know about the
whole spectrum thing,

we all fall on it.

They're probably
cutting the cake,

so you know
my blood sugar's low.

Nice to meet you again.

Great hand drying.

You're welcome.

You really have a way
with people, don't you?

Stick it, Benny.

Where have you been?

You look funny.

You look like an Emmy
Award and I look funny?

Martin, gold is my color,
and this is

the best-selling thing
in my boutique right now,

so not only is it the
perfect wedding dress for me,

but it's also very
good publicity.

Weirdest thing just happened.

I met this guy in
the bathroom...

Marty, at my wedding!

No, no, not like that.

You know that friend of Eddie's,
Ted.

Adams?

Exactly.

So we're talking,
it was going well,

and then he found out I
was gay, and he bolted.

Well what the hell did
you do to him, Marty?

Nothing, I was just being
my normal, pleasant self

and he ran off like a bunny.

Say rabbit, it's butchered.

It was weird.

Well, maybe Ted has some
gay skeletons in his closet.

Well, whatever, are you
having a good first wedding?

Martin, please do not start.

You know I love Eddie.

I know he can be a pain in
the ass with his "Note to's"

and I know he doesn't really
always know what to say to you.

He hates me.

And you hate him.

You have a thing
with straight guys,

even in college.

I have no thing
with straight guys.

I just don't hang out with any.

You don't hang out with anybody.

So unless you want to die alone

and end up a gay skeleton,
I suggest you

find a way to get
along with Eddie.

I'd rather die alone.

I cannot dance with
your stepmom anymore.

She is too crazy.

Sweetie, that's just because

she's a better
dancer than you are.

Marty,
you should go dance with her.

Not if you paid me.

Your stepmother's crazy.

We agree on something.

It's a miracle.

Not so.

Eddie, we agree on many things.

For instance,
which one of us do you think

is the better dresser?

You I guess.

See?

If you like the mannequin
with a stick up the ass look.

Look, see, Ted's
dancing with step-crazy.

He's a good dancer, God.

What,
do you have the hots for Ted?

No, I have no hots.

Especially not for Ted.

I've met him twice
and he's straight.

Not as straight as you,
but few are.

Note to Marty, I
would say I'm more macho.

Marnie Feldman's
making a move on Ted.

I'll be right back.

God, I guess I should go talk

to my Uncle Luigi, too.

I haven't really talked to
him since I accidentally

set him on fire.

You gonna be okay here
alone for a little bit?

Me?

Okay alone?

Okay, well then don't
look so gloomy then?

It's my first wedding.

And Michigan is for losers.

Losers!

I think this is great.

Two people find each
other and commit.

That is beautiful thing.

So happy for you.

It is so awesome
that you moved here.

Wow.

Smooth.

Cheers, big ears.

Between you and me,
was it a mistake

to break up with
Julie and move here?

Dude,
you did what you had to do.

You don't think it was rooted in

my deep fear of commitment?

Yeah, probably.

You know,
after a year you know a person,

and Julie was so distant
and uncommunititative,

you know?

Maybe.

Yeah, you know.

Champagne.

Hey, Martin.

I just wanted to apologize
for being strange

in the bathroom with you.

Wait, no,
we didn't do anything strange

in the bathroom together.

We were both going to
use the stall together.

Strike two.

We just prefer to do
it in a closed space.

I could see how that
could be misconstrued.

We do that, what you're
thinking of, other places.

For example,
I like to do that with girls

and Martin likes to do
it with boys I guess.

Right?

Most of them were of age.

And we were just
talking and shaking hands,

and I washed my hands, and
it was no harm, no foul.

I'm just gonna...

Go away, man.

Glad you's found me, Martin.

You need to hear something
from my word hole.

I don't have a problem
with gay people.

You need to know that.

So I just wanted
to hear me say that.

Okay, well good to know.

It's just that
sometimes straight guys

find out I'm gay and
they think I'm gonna like

make a move or something.

No, not this guy.

Reflex action.

What the hell are they doing?

I think they're
becoming friends.

See, you thought
I was gonna touch you,

or kiss you, or something.

I thought you were
trying to go past me.

Is this a good thing?

Yes.

It's a great thing.

Marty needs a social life.

Do it again!

And if Martin and Ted
become friends,

then I don't have
to feel so guilty,

and then you and I can be...

Enjoying married life.

Yeah,
that's what I was gonna say.

Yeah, right.

See, this is somebody
that is comfortable

with their masculinity.

We could stand here for an hour

and I would still be straight.

Someone got a stopwatch?

That would be awesome.

One Mississippi,

two Mississippi,

three Mississippi.