Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 39 - Hercules and the Big Lie - full transcript

♪ Who put the
glad in gladiator ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theatre ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ What a guy ♪

♪ Ask his friends ♪



♪ Honey they won't lie ♪

♪ Oh Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ A zero zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit
till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪



♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

Creamed hummus,
hummus tots, and...

Hummus Brown Betty. Next.

Pardon me. Sorry. Excuse me.

Ahhh!

That wasn't very... nice!

Oh, real smart, Andromeda.

Your first day and you dump
hummus on some guy's chiton.

Andromeda? Wow,
that's a great name.

I-I-I'm Hercules.

Please t-t-take this seat.

What about you?

Oh, I'll just stand
here staring...

I mean, uh... you know, eating.

He's coming! He is coming!

Icarus, this is Andromeda.

Hi, I'm new...
Like first-day new.

Uh, yeah. Usually, I would
be there for you, but not today.

Herc, buddy, I have got
big news... the biggest!

It doesn't get any
huger than this!

Myklos is coming!

Myklos!

Defender of the
meek, righter of wrongs,

punisher of naughtiness.

He gets very, uh, excited.

Myklos! He's gonna
be at the Agora tonight!

One show only!

I heard of the Agora,

but I don't even
know where it is.

Oh, I could go with you.

Yes, that's what I was
hoping you'd say, buddy!

- Wait, I was talking to...
- You and me!

Up close and personal
with the mighty Myklos.

Oh, the greatest hero
the world has ever known!

I see his tenuous grip on
reality has loosened entirely.

Cassandra... Andromeda.

Hi. I'm new.

Enjoy it. This
place gets old fast.

Greetings, my
little butter squash.

It might interest you to know

that my main man Herc

will be joining me at
the Myklos extravaganza.

Yes! Finally the lump has
found somebody other than me

to drag to that
stupid convention

for that stupid Myklos!

- I'm lost.
- Me too.

Him three.

What's this all about?

It's about respect.
It's about loyalty.

It's about finding just the
right piece of merchandise

that says "Myklos rules."

Myklos is a
comic-scroll character?

Correction... the
comic-scroll character.

Oh, Goat Boy, did you hear the
forecast for the Myklos convention?

100% chance of raving fan boys.

Shut up! Laugh
if you will, Adonis.

I am proud to be
a fan of Myklos!

I am honored to buy...

I gotta run to class.

It was nice meeting
you, Hercules.

Oh, see you around, I-I-I hope.

I don't wanna go to a
comic-scroll convention.

Ah, it all becomes clear.

You're afraid that if you go,

you'll be laughed at by Fluffy.

That's not her name.

No, it's her species.

Hey, Icarus...

honesty, bravery, and fair play.

I hear convention
tickets are moving faster

than Myklos' evil
twin, Emishu XXIV.

Wanna get one?

I need two tickets, for I
shall be accompanied by

the finest friend ever to
walk Zeus' great earth...

A man they call Hercules.

Right? Right, buddy?

Heh heh.

Maybe it won't be
so embarrassing.

Honesty, bravery, and fair play!

I'm doomed.

Just tell him you forgot
you already made plans.

But I-I promised I'd go!

Besides, I-I haven't
made any plans.

So lie.

I can't lie. It's wrong.

Just a little one.

It won't hurt anything.

Sorry. Heroes don't lie.

All right, come on,
boys, report time.

You've been on new-disease
duty for a month already!

What do you got to show for it?

I got a rash you
would not believe!

Oh, my goodness, is that so?

Well, step up
and I'll scratch it!

Uh, uh, I'll... I'll
stick to the ointment.

Enough chatting,
all right? Enough fun.

Let's seize the disease,
you know what I'm saying?

For those trendsetters who absolutely
must have the latest in sickness,

we proudly present
the Spring collection.

My, isn't she fetching?

You can be, too, if you
catch a case of... the fruzz.

A delightful malady
replete with hacking cough

and a stench that is
strangely attractive to gophers.

Ahhh! Back off, rodents!

- Uh-huh.
- Who likes bubbles?

We like bubbles.

And that's why...

- Wahhhh-hah!
- I get... the picture!

I ask for deadly diseases,
what do I get? Fashion victims.

My legendary patience
is wearing thin, boyos.

Please, boss, we saved
the best disease for last.

One last chance.

Bottom-line it for me. Come on.

Well, it starts with
fever and boils.

And that's the fun part.

Within a week, victims will
be looking for a new home!

Underground!

It's called... Catastrophia!

Catastrophia, huh?

He came up with the name.

I wanted to call it
"Hade-verticulitis."

I like it. I like it.
It's got a little zip.

It's nice. Saddle up, boys.

I want this Catastrophia spread

like hummus on
a fresh-baked pita.

And where shall we put the cure?

Cure?

Yeah, um, you
remember Zeus' rule...

Every sickness must have a cure.

What is the point...

of having a disease...
if there's a cure?

He didn't say the cure
had to be easy to get.

Ah, interesting. So we dump
the cure in Nowheresville,

the letter of the law is obeyed,

an epidemic rages,
and everybody's happy!

Well, me... I'm happy.

Everybody else is
wracked with pain.

Nice.

Now, remember... the
disease you spread all over!

The cure you put where Apollo
don't shine, literally. Capisce?

On the case, boss.

Ahh!

Ohh!

Awful! Terrible! Embarrassing!

If that had been a real giant,

you'd be wearing your
eyeballs for earrings.

Oh, sorry, Phil. I can't stop worrying
about this comic-scroll convention.

How can I tell my best friend
that I don't wanna be seen at it?

Look, Kid, You can't let every
problem get in the way of your training.

There are too many.
Look at the news scroll.

"Catastrophia
epidemic strikes Athens."

Sounds nasty. There's
nothing you can do about it.

Just like there's nothing you
can do about that convention.

I could... lie.

What? One word,
kid... Forgetaboutit!

Why? Because heroes
aren't supposed to lie?

Because they stink at it. Trust
me, kid. Honesty is the best policy.

And it's hero rule number 189.

Hey, Phil! How come you're
not at the Athens Amphitheater

for the big nymph rodeo?

Yeeee-haaaah!

I didn't hear anything
about a nymph rodeo.

I made it up.

You lied?

See how easy it is?
You can do it, too...

after a lesson at Cassandra's
school for shading the truth.

We'll start easy. Say
your name is Androcles.

But... Practice makes perfect.

Now, then... hi, big
fella. What's your name?

Androcles.

But my friends call me Herc,
'cause that's my real name...

not Androcles.

This is gonna take work.

Where did you get the money?

I work at Speedy Pita.

So where's your uniform?

I'm in the
plain-clothes division.

Not bad, mister.

What did you say your name was?

Androcles, but my friends call me
Herc, 'cause that's my real name.

I can't do it. I
can't... I can't lie!

I'll go to the convention
and Andromeda will see me,

and she'll laugh all the way
into somebody else's arms.

Don't worry. I bet she'll
like you just for being you.

Really? You mean it?

Yeah. And my name is Androcles.

Nobody's ever gonna
find that cure out here!

If they do, they're sure
not gonna get away with it.

Let's go spread some
more disease! Ha!

I love my work.

Ohhh!

Whoa!

Oww! Ow.

Yes, these are my
people, baby! Yes!

Help the victims of the
Catastrophia epidemic!

Well, if it isn't the
"Geeklos" convention.

Belittling the commoner
simply never gets old...

and I rue the day that it does.

Andromeda!

We've pretty much
seen it all. Let's go home.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen... Mostly gentlemen...

The moment you've all
been waiting for is at hand.

This is it.

Fresh from single-handed
defeat of the evil Senator Warthole,

the one, the only
Myklos the Magnificent!

Myklos, you rock!

Honesty, bravery,
and fair play in Athens!

I feel a swoon comin' on. Oh.

And now, for our raffle.

Which lucky Mykloid will get
to have his picture engraved

with Myklos himself?

Ooh! Herc, here's your ticket!

No, thanks, you
keep it. I-I don't want it.

And the winner
is... numeral XVII!

Ohhhh!

Ohhhhhh!

You won! You won!

There he is.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Ha ha ha ha. Look at him.

Oh, come on, get up there!

Heroes never lie!
Heroes never lie!

No-o-o-o!

I can't go up there. I-I'm sick.

Oh, go on.

No, really, I-I have, uh...

Catastrophia. Gotta go!

What's with you?

I'm no hero, Phil.

I told a lie.

Whoa!

I lied!!

You told Icarus you
have Catastrophia?!

Yes, I-I lied. I lied
to my best friend.

I-I' scum. I'm... I'm
lower than scum.

I'm the sludge at the
bottom of the River Styx.

Stop me at any time.

Kid, you messed up.
Now do the heroic thing.

Tell him the truth.

You're right, Phil. Of
course, it won't be easy.

I'll just think about the
best way to explain it,

- and some day...
- Now.

I'll go tell him now.

Man, I'm getting tired of spreading
this Catastrophia stuff around!

So, why not let these
young food-service workers

do the job for us?

Excellent idea, Mr. Panic.

Good day, fine sir.

We've been sent by corporate

to hand out a new
ingredient for the...

Secret sauce.

Yeah, and, uh, to
get a wacky meal!

Don't forget my toy.

It comes with a toy? Oh, goodie!

Hey, Nero... where's the fire?

Oh, my darling, my summer bloom.

Brace yourself, I
have horrible news.

Hercules has
Catastrophia! A-hoo!

He caught it so suddenly
at the Myklos convention

right when he was
about to go onstage

with the defender of
the oppressed himself!

Good for him.

Yeah, g... what?

Oh, my thorny rose,

how can you be so callous?

Herc is our friend.

And that's why I'm going to
bring comfort food to his sickbed.

Yes, to lighten his burden,

to ease the pain
of his suffering.

Icarus, I see you in
the Land of Briarius,

the hundred-handed giant,

grabbing a red-berry bush,
the cure for Catastrophia.

There's a cure?!

And I find it?! Oh, yes!

Call me Icarus,
defender of the sickarus!

So, where can I find
this Briarius guy, anyway?

Fly past Mount Parnassus,

and hang a left into the
dark, Foreboding Valley.

Icarus, this could be dangerous.

Briarius has giant
hands... A hundred of them!

Ah! Oh, my dear,

you are sweeter than a fig
smoothie with half the grit,

but my best friend is
hurtin' and that's for certain!

Neyyyyy!

- We gotta stop him.
- Wait! Look!

I see Icarus in the
Land of Briarius

being crushed by a giant hand.

Oh, no... a double
vision! I've gotta find Herc!

♪ Swing low sweet chariot ♪

Ay-yi-yi. What if they gave
an afterlife and nobody came?

Welcome! Grab a nametag
and I'll show you to your sulfur pit.

Ay, you two.

Great news, your crustiness!

Nice. Good. First let me
ask you this, however...

Where is everybody?!!

Diseases take
time. But get this...

Hercules has Catastrophia!

- Go on!
- No lie!

And I got a Myklos pop 'n' drop.

No, wait, I can make it work.

No, you have to wind it
counterclockwise, like this.

Hello!

No!

So...

we'll be seeing Zeus
Junior real soon, right?

Nothing's gonna come along
and suddenly, oh, I don't know,

make him, uh, better.

Right? Right?

Well, we overheard a vision

that someone was
gonna find a cure.

What?!!

But he'll be
crushed by Briarius,

the hundred-handed giant.

Look, you little fish heads,

you make sure that cure
never gets to "Jerkules,"

or I've got some nametags
with your names on them!

- Owww!
- Owww!

Almost forgot my...

Yah! I'll just get it next time!

- Cassandra.
- Hercules.

I lied to Icarus. I know.

I have to set him straight.

Good luck. He ran off to
get the cure for Catastrophia

from the land of Briarius.

The hundred-handed giant?!

Yep. I had a vision
that he'll be crushed.

Oh, this is all my fault!

Well, it's your fault,
too, if you think about it.

Thank you, Mr. Honesty.

I've got to save him!

Pass Mount Parnassus,
left at the Foreboding Valley.

Right.

Okay, don't mind little
old me, Mr. Scary Giant.

Red-berry bush.

Come on, red berries!

Oh, there it is!

Time to pluck and run!

One, two, three...

Come on, Pegasus, faster!

- Hey!
- Ahhhhhhh!

Yo, little dude,

you're trespassing on
the home court of Briarius.

- That's me!
- Oh.

So... how come they call
you the hundred-handed giant?

Okay! Okay!

Does that answer your question?

Ha ha ho ho ho.

Yes. Enough said.

Hey, what's the deal here?

How come you're
berry-picking in my backyard?

Oh, Briarius... you
who are good and kind

and really,
really, really big...

The berries will cure
a terrible disease

that my best friend has.

So you think you could
just waltz in and take them?

Think again, brother! In my
house, you got to win to take!

Okay. Sure. Fair enough.

Uh... how would I do that?

Absolutely never ever happen.

Heathens are too weak
to give me a good game.

Oh, is that right,
Mr. Handyman?!

Well, you wouldn't
be saying that

if my friend Hercules were here

and not lying prone
in his bed of pain.

I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's
another thing about humans.

Always got some kind of excuse.

Oh!

Ah-ah-ah-eehh! Ooh!

All righty, now.

Time to show me what you got.

Stop right there, giant!

Herc, buddy!

You came all this way to
help me, and in your condition!

You get right back
into bed, mister!

Icarus, we have to talk.

I-I feel terrible.

Well, of course. You're sick.

No, no, I'm fine.

Confused, disoriented...

The fever is
making you delirious.

All right, already.
Enough talking.

You wanna run with
me? Lace 'em up!

Let them go, Briarius.

The lives of innocent people
depend on getting that cure.

Here's the deal...

You get the bush,
you can keep it,

and I'll let your
friends go, too.

And if I can't?

Hey, you wanna play,
you gotta pay. Let's do it.

Not bad! You've
been working out.

But what about rules?

That's it! Move it,
buddy! Shake and bake!

Kid came to play,

but can he raise his
game to the next level?

Ahhhhhhh!

Ha ha ha!

Nice hang time.

It would appear Jerkules
is barely hanging on.

Perhaps we could
be of some assistance.

Knock it off! Come on!

Hey! I play hard,
but I play fair.

Yaaaaaahhhhhh!

Oh, and it's unbelievable!

Did you see that drive?! He got
out of his sickbed to be here today!

That's it, baby, go!

Hmm. Playing through
the pain. Gotta respect that.

Yes! Go, Herc! Yeah, baby!

He will not be denied!

Ahhhhhhh!

Let it go, Briarius!

Game's not over until I say so.

That's not fair.

Who's to say what's fair?

Well, I can tell you what
Myklos says about fair play!

Icarus, I don't think this
is the time to bring that up!

You talkin' about Myklos,
defender of the meek?

Absolutely! Righter of wrongs,

Honesty, bravery, and fair play!

Whoa! You're a Mykloid?!

Myklos taught me all I know.
I've got every back issue,

starting with his appearance
in Action League of Macedonia.

Myklos rules!

Myklos rocks! You
know, it just so happens

that Herc and I were at
the Myklos convention

when he came down
with Catastrophia.

Icarus, that's what I've
been trying to tell you.

I lied about having
Catastrophia.

- No!
- I just didn't want Andromeda

to see me at the
Myklos convention

and think I was a geek.

Well... so you're not sick?

You weren't playing hurt?

You want me to
pound him for you?

No, Herc is my bestest bud.

Besides, he came clean,
there's nobody braver,

and he always plays fair.

Ha! All the makings
of a Mykloid.

You got game. The bush is yours.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, Icarus,

if there's anything I can
do to make it up to you...

Well, uh, now that
you mention it...

Whoa, I still can't
believe that you gave up

your winning raffle ticket!

Hey, it's only fair that the
honor goes to a true Mykloid.

Hurry up, will ya?

I'll never forget this
moment, Myklos.

I'm touched. Just don't hurt me.

Hi. I heard how you got
the cure for Catastrophia.

Maybe we can go out sometime.

Yeah, sure, of course. Anytime.

Cute hat.

Yeah.

Myklos! Myklos! Myklos! Myklos!

- Myklos rules!
- Myklos rocks!

Myklos rocks!