Helluva Boss (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Spring Broken - full transcript

I love this song!

Holy shit!

Oh you suck for life do ya?

Listen up you unoriginal pink cum dump!

You have three goddamn seconds
to get your tits out of my parking spot!

Oh shit.

Verosika...

Blitzo...

I should've known you'd be
here. I could smell fish for miles.

Which is odd because I
believe the nearest ocean is-

Three rings down!



And I sholud have known you'd be
here when I heard the amber alerts.

Oh yeah? I'm surprised they
let your fat ass outta rehab-

I can see you're still a drunken whore.

Clutching onto the Beelzejuice
bottle like it's the last cock in hell.

They let me out because I'm still famous-

And rehab is for sad, loser washups.

So, your sister says "Hi".

Why are you parking here?

This is the only parking
spot my company has!

So take your tampon racecar somewhere else!

Actually, prick. It has my name on it.

I'm doing a bit of
freelance for one of the-

Infinitely more successful
companies in the building.

No way...
And they wanted to have
me come in this week to lead their team-



During spring break.

A week! No, no you are not
parking here for a fuckin' week!

Awwww, are you mad Blitzo?

You gonna run off, leaving someone
else to pay for the hotel room-

Steal their car, and-

Run three rings to wrap and-
Run three rings to wrap and-

Max my credit cards on
shitty horesriding lessons?

Max out your credit card
on shitty horesriding lessons.

Goddamnit whore you will not let that go!

Choke on a sandpaper cock.

Hold on! You'd better move that
pussy wagon right now or im gonna-

You'll what?

Or I'll, uh

I-I'll call H.R.

(Spontaneous group laughter)

Anyway, meet my new hellhound, Vortex.

Unlike you, he actually does his job well.

Ta, ta. Fuckstain.

Ugh, I wasted so much time
with a bag of holes like that...

You know Verosika Mayday?

Huh?

Oh yeah, her yeah we dated.

Was it before, or after
she became a pop star?

You dated a pop star?

Okay, why are you all acting
like that's such a shock?

Hello? It's Verosika Mayday?

It's you?

I just... Is she blind?

Suffering some form of brain damage?

Okay look, you are all making this into a
way bigger deal than it needs to be-

I don't pry into your
stupid personal lives.

You do that all the time sir!
You totally do that.
You kinda do, do that.

What was sex with her like?

What? It's a pop star!

You'd want to know what sex
with Michael Crawford was like.

Touché

Okay look, lets just drop it.

Millie, just find a
temporary spot for that truck.

Okay. Loonie, Moxxie,
lets go handle this shit.

Do you think they saw me?
Fuck I did my makeup shitty today.

Aww you look perfect Loonie... Like always.

Shut up da-

Ugh, Blitz.

Uh- Oh...

Woah...

Hi big man, where's your
bitch-bag of an employer?

She's in her office.

There wasn't room on the second
floor so they rented one here on this one.

Cheaper- Oh come on!

Hmm, sorry man.

Oh no you don't bitch...

Sir! How about you let me
go in and try to reason with her.

I don't really listen to what's
classified as "Pop Genre Music"

So her status to me is-

-rivative of
Moxxie, shut the fuck up.

Alrighty then.

Hello Ms. Verosica was it?

I work for I.M.P. and it is
actually rather important for us to-

Retain the singular parking
space we were assigned because-

Awwww, look at the little
one. He's got a wittle bowtie.

Please don't condescend me ma'am... I-

Wanna kiss here little guy?

A kind offer, but... I'm married.

Hey, why don't you send a little message
from me back to your limp. Dick. Boss.

Don't touch that!

Moxxie! Don't let her
access any of your holes!

I-I gotta go lie down... Now.

Oh this wont stand!

Alright (Beeps) that's it!

If you're gonna be shitty to my employees
then I challenge you to a fuckin'...

Challenge.

Fuck I said that twice.

Mmmm, is this imp boy
starting a demon duel?

I think he is. What's
the game then, Blitzo?

Every year you S.T.D. spreaders
go up topside for easy pickins'-

While spring break is a
prime time for crime of all kinds.

So, I bet you succu-bitches-

Can't fuck as many people as
we can off, by the end of the day.

(All Laugh)

Oh, you're serious.

Game on... Bitch.

Alright shut your assholes here's
how we're gonna do this shit.

First: We find a fuck-ton of clients.

We portal up-

We have our fun murder time as per usual-

We pile all the bodies
into a big fuckin' canoe-

We push said canoe into some water-

We light it on fire to
attract the sharks and eagles and shit-

Maybe even a goose too, fuck it.

They come and eat the
bodies. We win the bet.

We rub it in that sloppy
bitches', drunken whore ass face.

Do you have any questions?

Uh, yeah. Why was that nonsense?

That wasn't a question.

That wasn't a plan.

I'm sorry but that was a flawless
presentation of what we should do Moxx-

It's not my fault you got a
smooth little brain upstairs.

A what now?
I'm calling you slow Moxxie.

God, why don't you learn to take
criticism you talentless baby-dicked troll.

Well why don't you take an art class.

Why don't you see how expensive they are?

Hey, is there a way I can
come with you guys this time?

Absolutely not. I forbid it, not
gonna happen sorry sweetie-

Spring break is no place for
young, vulnerable goth girls!

You know the kind of FREAKS
up there who'd drool all over you.

Well, I can blend in with humans
easy enough. Just lemme tag along.

Wait. Say that again?

I can blend in?

Do you have a human disguise?

Yeah, don't you?

You three have been screwing
around on Earth this whole fucking time?

WITHOUT HUMAN DISGUISES!?

Okay new plan

Loonie can help lure the humans
to us, and we'll take care of the rest.

Mmkay, how about that?

Flawless logic.

I think you're missing
the biggest issue sir-

Isn't it crucial to have a client who
demands enough kills to win this bet?

We aren't just going up to massacre.

I got that covered Moxx.

Now, we wait.

Sir, there is no way we are going to
get enough clients by the end of the day-

With one, poorly spelled,
bad grammar, flier.

Now who's first?

Now remember: we can't be seen, alright
and loose shots will likely cause a panic-

So Loona can help with leading
targets to a better spot to off 'em.

You got the list Loonie?

Got it.

Woah, Loonie look at you,
you look downright awful-

I am so proud.

Now fetch!

That's nine kills in the bag, I'd like to
see that whale-y snatch orgasm that many-

Alright spring breakers!

Y'all ready to get fucked up and
make some bitchin bad choices!

Oh yeah!

Verosika!

This is your final boarding call.

All aboard.

♪ Pack your bags ♪

♪ Sun's out ♪

♪ Take a va-cay babe ♪

♪ Take it straight to bone-town ♪

♪ V-time, free time, baby relax ♪

♪ Self care, no hair, brazilian wax ♪

♪ Hornt up succu-bus to the beach ♪

♪ Catch some rays while catching some D ♪

God damnit, that bitch
started her goadish mating call.

Now she's gonna win all these sex
maniacs. We gotta pick this up guys.

Is he on the list Loonie?

Yeah, I-I think so.

Good!

Oh, woah! What are you? A leprechaun?

Yeah. Pretty cool huh?

But you sure as shit
aint gonna tell nobody.

Alright next one Loonie
c'mon. Loonie? Wait where-

Wha- what wait where's my baby!

Look!

♪ Pack your bags ♪

♪ Sun's out ♪

♪ Take a va-cay babe ♪

♪ Take it straight to Bonetown ♪

Now who wants a piece of this?

Heeeeeey... Yoooooouuuu...

Oh hey!

You're the hound workin'
for my boss's freaky ex.

Yeah, sorry if that's weird...

It's cool, her beef aint mine.

I'm not paid enough to care.

Yeah, yeah...

I'm Loona.

Heh, heh... Okay.

I'm Vortex

Heh heh heh...

That's hot.

I mean like literally, you know. Cause
vortexes you know they... Give off heat.

Probably right?

Uh yeah.

Hah I guess.

But my friends call me Tex.

Oh yeah? I wish I had friends.

(Laughs and stammers)

I don't have friends.

Am I interrupting something?

Nah man, just having a conversation.

Conversation leads to H.P.V.

And, we've lost him.

Ah, it looks like it's up
to us to handle this list.

Hell yeah! Team M&M are gettin' shit done!

Makin' the monies!

Let's get the fuck out of here,
you're gonna get us all into shit!

I just wanted to see what was so important
that you'd be distracted from your job.

What? I can't have a break?

We have a parking spot on the line!

Hey dude why don't you chill out.

Why don't you stay out of it?

Kay this is our business... Literally.

Oh fuck Blitz, why can't you stay
out of my face for like five minutes?

Because I adopted you. And
that should mean something!

Oh what does it matter
you're not my real dad!

I was almost eighteen!

It still counts!

Well it shouldn't! I didn't need
you then asshole, I don't now.

Wooooo! Yeaaaaaaah!
Partaaaaaaay! Lets move it!

Eeh, oh my god it's a fucking opossum.

Oh crumbs!

Got it!

Woo! Shove that opossum in the keg!

Uh, Blitz... I'm...

Enjoy your break Loonie...

I'm gonna go kill something!

Uh...

Damn girl that was savage.

You okay?

Yeah I'm fine.

He'll get over it.

He always does.

I'm glad you can stick
up for yourself at least.

Mmm. Takes guts.

Thanks.

Moxxie!

Milllllllie! Hi!

Hey, hey when did you get four heads?

I wanna kiss 'em.

Ooooo. Fish.

He he he... Wheee!

I love that woman.

Oh she totally pegs you doesn't she?

Oh ho! Yeah! Way to show off Mills!

Is Moxx okay?

Oh yeah. He's fine.

This is funny.

I'm sooooooooooo drinky.

Okay this is too wholesome for my liking.

Blitzo.

Oh perfect that must be the whores!

That was handled rather...
Obvious. Dontcha think?

I don't think this belonged to any of us.

Would be a shame if
anyone found out you guys-

Were behind a giant monster
fish in the human world.

Heh heh heh heh heh, oh satan-

You'd all be so fucked!

Yeah well, you three nasty ass gremlins
will be in shit for not being in disguises.

A human called me a opossum.

I am NOT a opossum.

You know we could keep this
little b movie scene on the down low.

If you agree to let us
use the parking space...

Fine.

We fuckin' won! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Fuck yes!

In your face bitch!

Come on... Lets get outta here... Tex!

Well... Guess it's time to bounce.

But hey! If you're ever down to
party, I'll give you a ring sometime.

Really? I mean heh... Yeah. Yeah...

Yeah, my girlfriend throws
a ton of crazy hound parties!

Nice, can't wait for my first one.

Heh heh heh heh, lets
get you some friends, girl.

Come on Lootie tootie!

Lets go back and park our fat
fuckin' car in our fat fuckin' space!

Put your hands up you sick deviants!

Alright sluts. Get ready
to suck a lot of pig dick.

(Collective groan)