Hazbin Hotel (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
In a vain attempt to stop multiple governmental genocides due to overpopulation, Charlie, the princess of Hell, opens up the Happy Hotel to "rehabilitate sinners" with her partner and ...
♪ At the end of the rainbow,
there's happiness, ♪
♪ And to find it,
how often I've tried~ ♪
♪ But my life is a race,
just a wild goose chase, ♪
♪ And my dreams
have all been denied... ♪
♪ Why have I always been a failure? ♪
♪ What can the reason be? ♪
♪ I wonder if the world's to blame, ♪
♪ I wonder if it could be me?... ♪
♪ I'm always chasing rainbows, ♪
♪ Watching clouds, drifting by ♪
♪ My schemes are just like
all my dreams, ♪
♪ Ending in the sun... ♪
(firework explodes)
♪ Some fellows look and find the sunshine, ♪
♪ I always look and find the rain ♪
♪ Some fellows make
a winning sometimes, ♪
♪ I never even make
a gain, believe me... ♪
♪ I'm always chasing rainbows, ♪
♪ Waiting to find
a little bluebird ♪
♪ In vain~ ♪
(screaming)
- (Groans)... Huh?
Oh– I'm alive! I'm alive!
(tires screeching) *Not anymore!
Travis: Heh. Thanks fer
the fun time, hot stuff.
Angel Dust: Yeah, yeah, listen.
Keep this discreet, you hear me?
I can't let it get out
I'm offering my services to randos on the street.
It was a quick
cash grab, ya got it?
- Pfft...
whatever you say, slut!
(chuckles)
- (sarcastically) Ouch, ooh, such an insult!
Let me know when you come up with
something creative to call me,
ya sack of poorly packaged horse shit. (Angel Dust... you're my fav...)
Tell the misses I said hi... (kiss) schnookums~
- Sack of p...*Dog wines*
*grumbling* *Dog yipping as he drives off*
(car crashing)
- YOINK! >:)
- Hey! >:(
- Up yours, drag show!
*Crow caw as he is crushed*
- (gasps) Oh my God!
My drugs! :'(
Damn it! >:(
(lazers firing)
Sir Pentious: (laughing maniacally)
Those other cowardly sssinners dare not hinder my territorial takeover!
A wise decision - the power
of my machines are unmatched!
No other demon can
compare to the likesss of I!
- Gee, that was
pretty swell, boss.
- Yeah!
- You really showed
them what for!
I liked when you shot them
with your ray gun.
- I wish he'd shoot ME
with his ray gun... : (
- ...At this rate, I will seize control of the entire
west side of the Pentagram by day's end!
And nothing, not a single beast
in this inferno of suffering
will be able to take back this empire from my conssstrictive grasp!
Woo!
*cork pops off* (Cheers M8)
- Oh, BOY!
- Hell will be mine,
and everybody will know
the name of Sir Pe--
???: EDGELORD!
- Pardon?! Who said that?!
What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses??? >:(
Ssspeak up!
-That wasn't us, Mr. Boss-man.
(sizzling)
(glass shattering)
(trumpet faintly heard)
(explosion)
(hacking)
Cherri Bomb: You looking for
a fight, old man?
Why don't you get that
tinker toy BULLSHIT off my turf
Before I SMASH it?!
...More.
- Oh! You want to go, Missy?
Well, I'm happy to oblige!
(evil laughter)
Katie Killjoy: Good afternoon,
I'm Katie Killjoy.
Tom Trench: And I'm Tom Trench.
Chaos out of
Pentagram City today
as a turf war is raging
on the west side;
Between notable
kingpin, Sir Pentious,
and self-proclaimed spunky
powerhouse, Cherri Bomb.
- That's right, Tom.
After the recent extermination,
many areas are now up for grabs!
Demons all over Hell
are already duking it out
to gain new territory.
- Those two seem
to really be going at it, huh?
- Looks like they're fighting
tooth-and-nail for that hot spot.
Tom: And I'd sure like to nail
her hot spot! (pompous laugh)
- You are
a limp-dick jackass, Tom!
Or should I say... no dick?
- Ugh... Not again!
- Coming up next,
we have an exclusive interview
(Tom whining)
with the daughter of
Hell's own head honcho,
(Tom still whining)
who's here to discuss
her brand-new "passion project".
(Still whining)
All that and more,
after the BREAK!
...Suck it up, you little bi--
*cuts off-air*
Vaggie: Okay. You
remember what to say?
*takes deep breath*
Charlie: Yes! Let's do this!
- Just look at me,
and I'll mouth it to you.
- Come on,
Vaggie, I know what to say!
I just feel like we need
to- I don't know,
make things sound more
exciting? (gasp) Oooooh!
What if I si-
- Sing a song about it?
- You knew I was gonna say that...
- Because I know you.
But, please don't sing.
This is serious!
- Well, you know, I'm better
at expressing myself
and my goals through song!
- But life isn't a musical, hon.
- Fine, but I have these
other ideas of what to say.
The highlighted
bits are the best parts~!
- Uh... it's ALL highlighted.
Is this a drawing?
- Yes! That's the happy ending, see?
Everyone's smiling
and happy in Heaven.
- I don't think
it's that simple.
Just PLEASE follow the talking
points we went over.
And Do. Not. Sing.
- Okay, fine.
(fake British accent) I'll just have to resort
to my impeccable improv skills!
Hi! I'm Charlie.
- Katie Killjoy.
I'd say it's a pleasure to meet
you, but that would be a lie.
You can put that away...
I don't touch the gays.
I have standards!
- Yeah?
How's, uh... how's that
working out for ya?
- Look, my time is money
so I'll keep this short.
You're not here because
we wanted you here.
You're here because Jeffrey couldn't
make it for his cannibal cooking segment.
You might be some royal big shot,
but that doesn't mean shit to me.
I'm too rich and too influential
to give a flying fuck
About what some tux-wearing
demon "princess"
wants to advertise!
- But I--
- So don't get cute with me honey,
or I will fucking BURY you.
- And we're live!
- Welcome back!
So Charlotte,
- It's Charlie.
- Whatever. Tell us about this
new passion project you've been
insistently pestering
our news station about!
Charlie: Well... (clears throat)
As most of you know,
I was born here in Hell and,
growing up, I always
tried to see the good
in everything around me.
Hell is my home,
and you are my people.
We-- we just went through
another extermination.
We lost so many souls,
and it breaks my heart
to see my people being
slaughtered every year,
and no one is even given a chance!
I can't stand idly by
while the place I live is
subjected to such violence!
So, I've been thinking...
...isn't there a more humane way
to hinder overpopulation here in Hell?
Perhaps we can create an
alternative way to change souls through…
redemption?
Well, I think yes!
So that's what this project
aims to achieve.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm
opening the first of its kind,
a hotel that
rehabilitates sinners!
...You know,
'cause hotels are for people
passing through…temporarily...
- Whehehaha! Is this girl fer real?
She thinks-- you hear
what she thinks?
She th-- ha ha! Ohh, she's nuts.
- I figure it
would serve a purpose,
a place to work
towards redemption...
Yay...?
*eerie radio buzz*
Cameraman: (tsk) Stupid bitch.
- Look, every single one of you
has something good
deep down inside.
I- I know you do!
Maybe I'm not
getting through to you...
- Oh, no...
(snap)
*radio click*
♪ I have a dream,
I'm here to tell, ♪
♪ About a wonderful,
fantastic new hotel ♪
♪ Yes, it's one of a kind,
right here in Hell, ♪
♪ Catering to
a specific clientele~ ♪
- (harmonizing)
♪ Inside of every demon
is a rainbow, ♪
♪ Inside every sinner
is a shiny smile, ♪
♪ Inside of every creepy,
hatchet-wielding maniac ♪
♪ is a jolly, happy,
cupcake-loving child~ ♪
♪ We can turn around, ♪
♪ They'll be Heaven-bound, ♪
♪ With just a little time down ♪
♪ At the Happy Hotel~ ♪
♪ So all you junkies,
freaks, and weirdos, ♪
♪ Creepers, fuck-ups,
crooks, and zeros, ♪
♪ And the fallen superheroes, ♪
♪ Help is here! ♪
♪ All of you cretins,
sluts, and losers, ♪
♪ Sexual deviants and boozers, ♪
♪ And prescription drug abusers ♪
♪ Need not fear! ♪
♪ Forever again, ♪
♪ We'll cure your sin, ♪
♪ We'll make you well, ♪
♪ You'll feel so swell, ♪
♪ Right here in HELL ♪
♪ At the Happy Hotel~ ♪
♪ There'll be no more fire,
and no more screams, ♪
♪ Just puppy dog kisses
and cotton candy dreams, ♪
♪ And puffy-wuffy clouds~ ♪
♪ You're gonna be like, "Wow!" ♪
♪ Once you check in with meee-e-e~ ♪
♪ So all your cartoon
porn addictions, ♪
♪ Vegan rants,
psychic predictions, ♪
♪ Ancient Roman crucifixions ♪
♪ End right here! ♪
♪ All you monsters,
thieves, and crazies, ♪
♪ Cannibals and crying babies, ♪
♪ Frothing mouthers
full of rabies ♪
♪ Fill with cheer! ♪
♪ You'll be complete, ♪
♪ It'll be so neat, ♪
♪ Our service can't be beat, ♪
♪ You'll be on Easy Street-- Yes! ♪
♪ Life will be sweet ♪
♪ At the Happy Hotel~! ♪
(crescendo)
Yeah!
(heavy breathing)
(utter silence)
- Wow...
...that was shit!
(laughter)
- Booo.
Katie: What in the Nine Circles
makes you think
a single denizen of Hell
would give TWO SHITS about
becoming a better person?!
You have no proof that this
little experiment even works!
You want people to be
good, just... BECAUSE?
- Well, we have a patron already,
who believes in our cause, and
he's shown incredible progress!
- Oh? And who might THAT be?
- Oh, just someone
named... Angel Dust!
- The porn star?
- You fucking would, Tom.
In any case, that's not
even an accomplishment.
I'm sure you can get
that hooker to do anything
with enough
booger-sugar and lube!
- Oh, I beg to differ. He's been behaved, clean,
and out of trouble for two weeks now.
- Breaking news!
- We are receiving word
that a new player has
entered the ongoing turf war!
Let's go to the live feed.
- (laughter)
- Oh shit.
- "Oh shit" indeed!
It looks like the one
who just joined the battle
is none other than (gasp) porn actor Angel Dust! *Angel... why?!*
What a juicy coincidence!
You must feel really
stupid right now.
- (both) Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- ♪ Ratings~! ♪
- (gasp) DON'T LOOK AT THIS!
- Well, it sure looks like
your little project is dead on arrival.
Tell us, how does it feel
to be such a total failure?
(laughter)
- Yeah, well... how does it feel
that I got your pen, huh?!
B I T C H
(menacing chord)
Heh-heh... oops.
(monstrous roar)
Cherri Bomb: Hey! Thanks for the backup, Angie.
Angel Dust: Hahaha, you kiddin'?
This is the best action
I've seen in ages.
- Where you been anyway?
I thought you up
and died or some shit.
- Oh, I wish. I've been staying
at this crappy hotel on the other side of town.
Some broads are letting me
stay rent-free if I play nice.
(groans) Y'know, no fights,
no pranks, no "problematic
language"-- Her words, not mine.
These crazy bitches are no fun!
I've been clean fer two weeks!
- Holy shit.
- ...Well, sorta clean.
Just clean as you can get
while doing a shitload
of Bolivian marching powder!
Ooh! Harder, daddy~
(gasp) Son?!
(train horn)
(hisses furiously)
You whores have no class!
In war, the side remembered
is the side with the most ssstyle!
- Or the side that ain't dead!
- Speakin' of style,
is your hat, like,
alive or somethin'?
- Oh! Well, that's none of your
goddamn businesss! Now is it?
- Would that make your hat
the top and you the bottom?
- Ooooooh!
- I'm going to blow you to bitsss!!
- Hmm. Kinky.
- Oh, not like that! Pervert!
Not so cocky now, are we?
- Y'know, you really gotta watch
what comes outta your mouth.
I've been making these sex jokes
the whole-- TIME!
And it's obvious
you ain't catchin' on.
I mean, it's just SAD!
- So, think you're gonna get
in a lot of trouble for this?
- Eh, what's one little
brawl gonna cause?
*alarm blaring in background*
- WHY WONT ANYONE HELP ME?!
- Glad you haven't changed.
You know you're my
favorite guy to party with.
- You know it, sugar tits.
- You ready to finish this?
- Born ready, baby.
(collective screaming)
*crow cawing*
*car engine revving*
(car window winding up and down)
What?
- "What"? "What"?!
What were you doing?!
- (sigh) I owed my
girl buddy a solid!
Isn't that a
"redeeming quality"?
Helping friends with stuff?
- Not with turf wars that
result in territorial genocide!
- Eh... you win some, you lose
a few hundred.
(laughter)
It wasn't that bad anyway.
*knife thrown*
*growling*
- Oh, come on! I had to!
My credibility was on the line.
I mean, what kind of
reputation would I have
if people found out
I was trying to go clean?
It just throws out
my entire persona.
- Your credibility??
What about the hotel's?
Your little stunt made us
look like a fucking joke!
- No, no, no, babe.
Jokes are funny.
I made you look, uh...
sad.
And pathetic!
Like an orphan,
with no arms...
Or- or legs...
Uh… oh! With Progeria!
Great! Now I'm bummed
thinking about it!
This thing have any liquor?
- Can you please just TRY
to take this seriously?
- Fine, I'll try. Just don't get
your taco in a twist, baby.
- Was that you trying
to be sexist, or racist?
- Whatever pisses you off more.
Is there seriously
no liquor in here?
- I'm gonna kill him.
- Too late, toots.
Wait, would that make me double-dead?
Where exactly do I go,
to Double Hell?!
Hahahahahaha!
Sorry. You're stuck with me,
bitch. Get used to it.
- Arrgh! Comé mierda, malparido hijo de-
(Eat shit, bastard son of a-)
- Listen, who cares
if some jackoffs got hurt?
Most of them are ugly freaks.
Look around,
you got a buncha fukken
harlequin babies down here.
- You're one to talk.
- Hey! This body is flawless!
Everyone wants some of me,
and I got the creepy
fan letters to prove it.
Arrgh!
That was really uncool,
y'know, Angel.
- "Uncool"?!
After THAT train wreck,
there is no way ANYONE is gonna
want to stay at the hotel!
All thanks to you,
and your selfish bullshit!
- Does that mean I don't
have a free room anymore?
(tsk) Ah well, shucks. (snap)
- Hey, come on. We don't
know if things are over yet.
Try to relax, Vaggie.
I- It'll be okay!
(car engine running)
(Vaggie groans)
- It's probably
a good idea to get
some actual food in
this place. Y'know,
to feed all the wayward souls
you got in here.
(laughing)
(laughing dying down)
eh-
- Hey Mom!
Um.... I know I keep
calling, and, uh, you must be busy...
really… busy.
But, um,
the interview didn't go well, and…
I don't know if I'm
going to make a difference.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I could really use
some advice, Mom.
I... I think Dad
was right about me.
(cry-chuckle) Uff. Eh, anyway, I'll stop
talking before this gets long.
Love you. Bye.
(knock)
(rhythmic knocking)
Hell--
--lo!
Charlie: Hey Vaggie?
- What?
- The Radio Demon
is at the door...!
- What?!
- Uh, who?
- What should I do?
- Uh- well, don't let him in!
- May I speak now?
- You may...
- Alastor! Pleasure to be
meeting you, sweetheart.
Quite a pleasure!
Excuse my sudden visit,
but I saw your fiasco
on the picture show,
and I just couldn't resist. What a performance!
(audience cheering)
Why, I haven't been that entertained
since the stock market crash of 1929!
(haughty laughter)
...So many orphans.
Vaggie: Stop! Right! There!
Cabrón, hijo de perra! (Bastard, son of a bitch!)
I know your game, and I'm not
gonna let you hurt anyone here,
you pompous, cheesy,
talk-show shitlord!
- Dear, if I wanted
to hurt anyone here...
...I WOULD HAVE DONE SO ALREADY.
...I W͟OULD HAVȨ ҉D̢O͜N̶E SO ALR͝E҉ADY.
.͝.̀.I͘ ̴WO͟UL̢D ̴H͢A͜V͘E͝ ̕DON͠E ͝S͟O ALREA͞DY̴.
.͏..I̸ ͜W͡O͢͠U̴͜͝LD̷ ̡͢H̵̨A͠͡VE͘҉ ̶Ḑ͝O͢N͢E̡ S͟O̶ ̨A̢L̶̴RE̸A͠D̷̛Y̷.̸҉
.͞͝..I̸ ̴͘W̡O͡U̡L̨D̶ ̡͠H̸́A͟V̶E ̨͘D̴ON̡͜E̶̡ ̡́SO̷͠ ̨̕A͢L̷R̴Ȩ͢͠Ą͟͟D̶Y͠.̡͜
.҉͢.̷͡.҉̢͘I̶̢ ͏̴W̛͟͠Ò̴U͘L͟D̡ ̸̨Ḩ͠A̸V̴E͏ ̸̵DƠ̶N̵̷̡E̛ ̸̡͞S̴͝O̷҉ A̧L͜͢R͠E̷͜À̛D͘Y.̢̧͠
.̡͢͞.̴̶̢̀.́͝͝͠I͘̕͝ ҉͟W̷͘O͘U̡҉̵̛̀L̢̛҉͏̶D̸̨ ̸̨Ḩ̶A̶̢͢͡V̵́̕͞Ę͟͞͠ ̷̴̕͝͞D͠O̵͢͜͜Ń̴͢͢E̢͡ ͏̸̀̕͘ŞO̵͟ ̧A̷͝Ĺ̴̨̢ŔE͡͏̴A̷̡͜D҉̷͠Ỳ̸̛͡.̶̛̕͠͝
.҉̨.̵̷̢͜͢.́͝͝I̧̛͘ ̢͡͏͡Ẁ͏̛̕͞O҉̷͏́U̵̧͘͟͝L̷̴̕D͠͡ ҉̵̧H̷͢͡A̵̛͏̸V̧̛͘E͟͏̶ ̶͜͡҉͘D̸̡̨O̡̧͢N̨͘͢͡E҉̀ ̴́͞͝S̵͏O̡͝ ̵̶̵͘͡A̛͠͝Ĺ͞͞R͘҉̶̛͝E̶͜͞͠Ą̵́͜D̢́͢Ý̵̴͏.̴̵̷͘
.̨͏́͟.̵.͏͢҉̛҉I͟ ̴̢̡͘͠Ẃ͜͞͠O̵͡U҉̷̸L̀҉͟͠D̨́͘͝͠ ҉̶́͟͠H̷̴̛Á͡҉̡V̸̴̸̕͘Ȩ͟͝ ̵̨̕D́͝O̶̷̧͜͟N̷̵̨͡E͡҉ ́͏̴̴S̶̛̕O̸̶̕ ̴͝A͝͠L̵̶̛͡͏R̸̷͡E͘͘A̡̛͘͟D̀́͠Ý҉͏͠.̡͜
- ...No, I'm here because
I want to help!
- Say what now?
- Help! (laughing)
Hello? is this thing on?
Testing, testing.
Microphone: Well
I heard you loud and clear!
- Um, you want to help with...?
- This ridiculous thing
you're trying to do; this hotel!
I want to help you run it.
- But... why?
- Hahaha! Why does
anyone do anything?
Sheer, Absolute BOREDOM
I've lacked inspiration for decades.
My work became mundane,
lacking focus...
...AIMLESS! (crash)
I've come to crave a NEW form of entertainment!
Hahaha!
- Does getting into
a fist fight with a reporter
count as entertainment?
- Ha-ha-ha! It's the
purest kind, my dear.
REALITY! TRUE PASSION!
After all, the world is a stage,
and the stage is a world
of entertainment!
- ...So, does this mean
that you think it's POSSIBLE
to rehabilitate a demon?
- (laughter) Of course not!
That's wacky nonsense.
Redemption... oh,
the non-existent humanity!
Nononono... I don't
think there's anything left
that could save such
loathsome sinners.
The chance given was
the life they lived before,
the punishment is THIS!
There is no undoing
what is done.
- So then why do you want to help me
if you don't believe in my cause?
- Consider it an investment
in ongoing entertainment for myself!
I want to watch the scum
of the world struggle
to climb up the
hill of betterment,
only to repeatedly trip
and tumble down
into the fiery pit of failure...
- Rrrrrright...
- Yes, indeedy! I see big
things coming your way,
and who better
to help you than I?
- I-so uh what's the deal
with Smiles over there?
- Wait, you've never
heard of him before?
You've been here longer than me.
The Radio Demon?
One of the most powerful
beings Hell has ever seen?
- Eh, not big on politics.
- Ugh.
Decades ago, Alastor manifested
in Hell.
Seemingly overnight, he began to topple overlords who
had been dominant for centuries.
That kind of raw power had never been
harnessed by a mortal soul before!
Then, he broadcast his carnage
all throughout Hell,
just so everyone could
witness his ability!
Sinners started calling
him "The Radio Demon"...
...as lazy as that is.
Many have speculated what
unimaginable force enabled him
to rival our world's most
ancient and destructive evils.
But one thing's for sure.
He's an unpredictable
source of danger,
a wicked spirit of mystery,
and a violent monster of chaos,
the likes of which we can't
risk getting involved with,
unless we want to end up ERASED.
- Ya done?
He looks
like a strawberry pimp!
- Well, I don't trust him.
- To be fair, do you trust
any man? Any men?
Men?
- Charlie, listen to me...
You can't believe this creep.
He isn't just a happy face.
He's a deal maker. Pure evil!
He can't be redeemed! And is
most likely looking for a way
to destroy everything
we're trying to do.
- I... eh- we don't know that.
Look, I know he's bad
and I know he probably
doesn't wanna change.
But the whole point of this
is to give people a chance,
to have faith things will be better.
How can I turn
someone away? I can't.
It goes against
everything I'm trying to do.
Everything I believe in.
Just, trust me.
I can take care of myself.
- Charlie, whatever you do,
do not make a deal with him. (radio humming)
- Don't worry. I picked up
one thing from my dad:
"You don't
take shit from other demons!"
Okay... so, Al,
you're sketchy as fuck,
and you clearly see what
I'm trying to do here as a joke.
But I don't.
I think everyone
deserves a chance
to prove they can be better, so
I'm taking your offer to help.
On the condition
that there be no...
tricks or voodoo
strings attached.
- So it's a deal then?
(wind howling)
- Nope! No shaking.
No deals. I... hmm...
...As Princess of Hell,
and heir to the throne,
I-uh, hereby order that
you help with this hotel...
...for as long as you desire.
Sound fair?
- Hmm...
...fair enough.
- Cool beans...
(Alastor humming
"You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile")
- Smile, my dear!
You know you're never
fully dressed without one!
(humming continues)
So where is your hotel staff?
- Uh... well...
Ho-ho-ho, you're going
to need more than that.
And what can you do,
my effeminate fellow?
- I can suck ya dick.
- HA!
NO.
- Heh, your loss.
- Well this just won't do!
I suppose I can cash in a few
favors to liven things up.
(whimsical jingle)
(party horn squeaks)
This little darling is Niffty!
- Hi, I'm Niffty.
It's nice to meet you.
It's been a while since
I've made new friends...
Why are you all women?
Have any men here?!
I'm sorry if that's rude.
Oh man! This place is filthy!
It really needs a lady's touch,
which is weird because
you're all ladies, no offense.
Ohmigosh, this is awful!
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
(gasp)
NOPE.
???: Ha! Read 'em and weep, boys.
Ful--wooooooah
The hell?
What the fuck is this?
(furiously) YOU.
- Ah! Husker, my good friend,
glad you could make it!
Don't you "Husker" me,
you son of a bitch.
I was about to win
the whole damn POT!
- Good to see you too.
*Face palm*
- What the hell do you want
with me this time?
- My friend, I am doing
some charity works,
so I took it upon myself
to volunteer your services!
I hope that's okay.
- Are you shittin' me?
- Hmm. No, I don't think so.
(audience laughter)
- You thought it would be
some kinda big fuckin' riot
just to pull me outta nowhere?
You think I'm some
kind of fuckin' clown?!
- Maybe!
(audience laughter)
- I ain't doin' no fuckin' charity job.
- Well, I figured you would
be the perfect face
to man the front desk
of this fine establishment!
(audience applause)
With your charming smile
and welcoming energy,
this job was made for you!
Don't worry, my friend. I can
make this more welcoming...
...if you wish.
- What? You think you can buy me
with a wink and some cheap booze?!
Well, you can!
- Hey! hey! Hey-hey-hey!
No, no bar! No alcohol.
This is supposed to be place
that DISCOURAGES sin!
Not some kind of now-brothel... man cave--
- Shut up! SHUT! UP!
We are keeping this.
- Hey.
- Go fuck yourself.
- Only if you watch me~
- Oh my gosh!
Welcome to the Happy Hotel!
You are going to LOVE IT HERE!
- I lost the ability
to love years ago.
- So, what do you think?
- This is amazing!
(party horn)
- It's... okay.
- Hahaha!
This is going to be
very entertaining!
(radio starting up)
♪ You have a dream, ♪
♪ You wish to tell, ♪
♪ And it's just laughable, ♪
♪ But hey, kid, what the hell! ♪
♪ 'Cause you're one of a kind, ♪
♪ A charming demon belle! ♪
♪ Now, let's give these
burning fools a place to dwell! ♪
Take it, boys!
- Ha-ha!
- Boo!
♪ Inside of every demon
is a lost cause, ♪
♪ But we'll dress 'em
up for now with just a smile! ♪
- ♪ WITH A SMILE! ♪
- ♪ And we'll chlorinate this cesspool ♪
♪ with some
old redemption flair, ♪
♪ And show these simpletons
some proper class and style! ♪
- ♪ CLASS AND STYLE! ♪
- ♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Here below the ground, ♪
♪ I'm sure your plan is sound! ♪
♪ They'll spend a little time~ ♪
♪ Down at this Hazbin Ho- ♪
(crash)
Sir Pentious: Ha! Well, well, well.
Look who it is
harboring the striped freak!
We meet yet again, Alastor!
- Do I know you?
- OH, yes you do!
And this time, I have
the element of... surprise!
AH HA HA!
I'm so evil! NYE-HA-HA-HA!
Whoa... whoa... whoa... oh...
Whoooa!
(screaming, egg shells cracking)
(slam)
Argh! That hurt!
(tortured screaming)
(Egg Bois howling)
(explosion)
...Well, I'm starved!
Who wants some jambalaya?
My mother once showed me
a wonderful recipe for jambalaya!
In fact, it nearly
killed her! Ha-ha-ha!
You could say the kick
was right out of Hell!
Oh-hoho, I'm on a roll!
Yes sir, this is the start of some
real changes down here!
The game is set.
Now...
...STAY TUNED.
(low chuckling)
(Rocking Credits)
(ground burning)
(limbs rattling)
Now will you shoot me
with your ray gun?
there's happiness, ♪
♪ And to find it,
how often I've tried~ ♪
♪ But my life is a race,
just a wild goose chase, ♪
♪ And my dreams
have all been denied... ♪
♪ Why have I always been a failure? ♪
♪ What can the reason be? ♪
♪ I wonder if the world's to blame, ♪
♪ I wonder if it could be me?... ♪
♪ I'm always chasing rainbows, ♪
♪ Watching clouds, drifting by ♪
♪ My schemes are just like
all my dreams, ♪
♪ Ending in the sun... ♪
(firework explodes)
♪ Some fellows look and find the sunshine, ♪
♪ I always look and find the rain ♪
♪ Some fellows make
a winning sometimes, ♪
♪ I never even make
a gain, believe me... ♪
♪ I'm always chasing rainbows, ♪
♪ Waiting to find
a little bluebird ♪
♪ In vain~ ♪
(screaming)
- (Groans)... Huh?
Oh– I'm alive! I'm alive!
(tires screeching) *Not anymore!
Travis: Heh. Thanks fer
the fun time, hot stuff.
Angel Dust: Yeah, yeah, listen.
Keep this discreet, you hear me?
I can't let it get out
I'm offering my services to randos on the street.
It was a quick
cash grab, ya got it?
- Pfft...
whatever you say, slut!
(chuckles)
- (sarcastically) Ouch, ooh, such an insult!
Let me know when you come up with
something creative to call me,
ya sack of poorly packaged horse shit. (Angel Dust... you're my fav...)
Tell the misses I said hi... (kiss) schnookums~
- Sack of p...*Dog wines*
*grumbling* *Dog yipping as he drives off*
(car crashing)
- YOINK! >:)
- Hey! >:(
- Up yours, drag show!
*Crow caw as he is crushed*
- (gasps) Oh my God!
My drugs! :'(
Damn it! >:(
(lazers firing)
Sir Pentious: (laughing maniacally)
Those other cowardly sssinners dare not hinder my territorial takeover!
A wise decision - the power
of my machines are unmatched!
No other demon can
compare to the likesss of I!
- Gee, that was
pretty swell, boss.
- Yeah!
- You really showed
them what for!
I liked when you shot them
with your ray gun.
- I wish he'd shoot ME
with his ray gun... : (
- ...At this rate, I will seize control of the entire
west side of the Pentagram by day's end!
And nothing, not a single beast
in this inferno of suffering
will be able to take back this empire from my conssstrictive grasp!
Woo!
*cork pops off* (Cheers M8)
- Oh, BOY!
- Hell will be mine,
and everybody will know
the name of Sir Pe--
???: EDGELORD!
- Pardon?! Who said that?!
What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses??? >:(
Ssspeak up!
-That wasn't us, Mr. Boss-man.
(sizzling)
(glass shattering)
(trumpet faintly heard)
(explosion)
(hacking)
Cherri Bomb: You looking for
a fight, old man?
Why don't you get that
tinker toy BULLSHIT off my turf
Before I SMASH it?!
...More.
- Oh! You want to go, Missy?
Well, I'm happy to oblige!
(evil laughter)
Katie Killjoy: Good afternoon,
I'm Katie Killjoy.
Tom Trench: And I'm Tom Trench.
Chaos out of
Pentagram City today
as a turf war is raging
on the west side;
Between notable
kingpin, Sir Pentious,
and self-proclaimed spunky
powerhouse, Cherri Bomb.
- That's right, Tom.
After the recent extermination,
many areas are now up for grabs!
Demons all over Hell
are already duking it out
to gain new territory.
- Those two seem
to really be going at it, huh?
- Looks like they're fighting
tooth-and-nail for that hot spot.
Tom: And I'd sure like to nail
her hot spot! (pompous laugh)
- You are
a limp-dick jackass, Tom!
Or should I say... no dick?
- Ugh... Not again!
- Coming up next,
we have an exclusive interview
(Tom whining)
with the daughter of
Hell's own head honcho,
(Tom still whining)
who's here to discuss
her brand-new "passion project".
(Still whining)
All that and more,
after the BREAK!
...Suck it up, you little bi--
*cuts off-air*
Vaggie: Okay. You
remember what to say?
*takes deep breath*
Charlie: Yes! Let's do this!
- Just look at me,
and I'll mouth it to you.
- Come on,
Vaggie, I know what to say!
I just feel like we need
to- I don't know,
make things sound more
exciting? (gasp) Oooooh!
What if I si-
- Sing a song about it?
- You knew I was gonna say that...
- Because I know you.
But, please don't sing.
This is serious!
- Well, you know, I'm better
at expressing myself
and my goals through song!
- But life isn't a musical, hon.
- Fine, but I have these
other ideas of what to say.
The highlighted
bits are the best parts~!
- Uh... it's ALL highlighted.
Is this a drawing?
- Yes! That's the happy ending, see?
Everyone's smiling
and happy in Heaven.
- I don't think
it's that simple.
Just PLEASE follow the talking
points we went over.
And Do. Not. Sing.
- Okay, fine.
(fake British accent) I'll just have to resort
to my impeccable improv skills!
Hi! I'm Charlie.
- Katie Killjoy.
I'd say it's a pleasure to meet
you, but that would be a lie.
You can put that away...
I don't touch the gays.
I have standards!
- Yeah?
How's, uh... how's that
working out for ya?
- Look, my time is money
so I'll keep this short.
You're not here because
we wanted you here.
You're here because Jeffrey couldn't
make it for his cannibal cooking segment.
You might be some royal big shot,
but that doesn't mean shit to me.
I'm too rich and too influential
to give a flying fuck
About what some tux-wearing
demon "princess"
wants to advertise!
- But I--
- So don't get cute with me honey,
or I will fucking BURY you.
- And we're live!
- Welcome back!
So Charlotte,
- It's Charlie.
- Whatever. Tell us about this
new passion project you've been
insistently pestering
our news station about!
Charlie: Well... (clears throat)
As most of you know,
I was born here in Hell and,
growing up, I always
tried to see the good
in everything around me.
Hell is my home,
and you are my people.
We-- we just went through
another extermination.
We lost so many souls,
and it breaks my heart
to see my people being
slaughtered every year,
and no one is even given a chance!
I can't stand idly by
while the place I live is
subjected to such violence!
So, I've been thinking...
...isn't there a more humane way
to hinder overpopulation here in Hell?
Perhaps we can create an
alternative way to change souls through…
redemption?
Well, I think yes!
So that's what this project
aims to achieve.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm
opening the first of its kind,
a hotel that
rehabilitates sinners!
...You know,
'cause hotels are for people
passing through…temporarily...
- Whehehaha! Is this girl fer real?
She thinks-- you hear
what she thinks?
She th-- ha ha! Ohh, she's nuts.
- I figure it
would serve a purpose,
a place to work
towards redemption...
Yay...?
*eerie radio buzz*
Cameraman: (tsk) Stupid bitch.
- Look, every single one of you
has something good
deep down inside.
I- I know you do!
Maybe I'm not
getting through to you...
- Oh, no...
(snap)
*radio click*
♪ I have a dream,
I'm here to tell, ♪
♪ About a wonderful,
fantastic new hotel ♪
♪ Yes, it's one of a kind,
right here in Hell, ♪
♪ Catering to
a specific clientele~ ♪
- (harmonizing)
♪ Inside of every demon
is a rainbow, ♪
♪ Inside every sinner
is a shiny smile, ♪
♪ Inside of every creepy,
hatchet-wielding maniac ♪
♪ is a jolly, happy,
cupcake-loving child~ ♪
♪ We can turn around, ♪
♪ They'll be Heaven-bound, ♪
♪ With just a little time down ♪
♪ At the Happy Hotel~ ♪
♪ So all you junkies,
freaks, and weirdos, ♪
♪ Creepers, fuck-ups,
crooks, and zeros, ♪
♪ And the fallen superheroes, ♪
♪ Help is here! ♪
♪ All of you cretins,
sluts, and losers, ♪
♪ Sexual deviants and boozers, ♪
♪ And prescription drug abusers ♪
♪ Need not fear! ♪
♪ Forever again, ♪
♪ We'll cure your sin, ♪
♪ We'll make you well, ♪
♪ You'll feel so swell, ♪
♪ Right here in HELL ♪
♪ At the Happy Hotel~ ♪
♪ There'll be no more fire,
and no more screams, ♪
♪ Just puppy dog kisses
and cotton candy dreams, ♪
♪ And puffy-wuffy clouds~ ♪
♪ You're gonna be like, "Wow!" ♪
♪ Once you check in with meee-e-e~ ♪
♪ So all your cartoon
porn addictions, ♪
♪ Vegan rants,
psychic predictions, ♪
♪ Ancient Roman crucifixions ♪
♪ End right here! ♪
♪ All you monsters,
thieves, and crazies, ♪
♪ Cannibals and crying babies, ♪
♪ Frothing mouthers
full of rabies ♪
♪ Fill with cheer! ♪
♪ You'll be complete, ♪
♪ It'll be so neat, ♪
♪ Our service can't be beat, ♪
♪ You'll be on Easy Street-- Yes! ♪
♪ Life will be sweet ♪
♪ At the Happy Hotel~! ♪
(crescendo)
Yeah!
(heavy breathing)
(utter silence)
- Wow...
...that was shit!
(laughter)
- Booo.
Katie: What in the Nine Circles
makes you think
a single denizen of Hell
would give TWO SHITS about
becoming a better person?!
You have no proof that this
little experiment even works!
You want people to be
good, just... BECAUSE?
- Well, we have a patron already,
who believes in our cause, and
he's shown incredible progress!
- Oh? And who might THAT be?
- Oh, just someone
named... Angel Dust!
- The porn star?
- You fucking would, Tom.
In any case, that's not
even an accomplishment.
I'm sure you can get
that hooker to do anything
with enough
booger-sugar and lube!
- Oh, I beg to differ. He's been behaved, clean,
and out of trouble for two weeks now.
- Breaking news!
- We are receiving word
that a new player has
entered the ongoing turf war!
Let's go to the live feed.
- (laughter)
- Oh shit.
- "Oh shit" indeed!
It looks like the one
who just joined the battle
is none other than (gasp) porn actor Angel Dust! *Angel... why?!*
What a juicy coincidence!
You must feel really
stupid right now.
- (both) Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- ♪ Ratings~! ♪
- (gasp) DON'T LOOK AT THIS!
- Well, it sure looks like
your little project is dead on arrival.
Tell us, how does it feel
to be such a total failure?
(laughter)
- Yeah, well... how does it feel
that I got your pen, huh?!
B I T C H
(menacing chord)
Heh-heh... oops.
(monstrous roar)
Cherri Bomb: Hey! Thanks for the backup, Angie.
Angel Dust: Hahaha, you kiddin'?
This is the best action
I've seen in ages.
- Where you been anyway?
I thought you up
and died or some shit.
- Oh, I wish. I've been staying
at this crappy hotel on the other side of town.
Some broads are letting me
stay rent-free if I play nice.
(groans) Y'know, no fights,
no pranks, no "problematic
language"-- Her words, not mine.
These crazy bitches are no fun!
I've been clean fer two weeks!
- Holy shit.
- ...Well, sorta clean.
Just clean as you can get
while doing a shitload
of Bolivian marching powder!
Ooh! Harder, daddy~
(gasp) Son?!
(train horn)
(hisses furiously)
You whores have no class!
In war, the side remembered
is the side with the most ssstyle!
- Or the side that ain't dead!
- Speakin' of style,
is your hat, like,
alive or somethin'?
- Oh! Well, that's none of your
goddamn businesss! Now is it?
- Would that make your hat
the top and you the bottom?
- Ooooooh!
- I'm going to blow you to bitsss!!
- Hmm. Kinky.
- Oh, not like that! Pervert!
Not so cocky now, are we?
- Y'know, you really gotta watch
what comes outta your mouth.
I've been making these sex jokes
the whole-- TIME!
And it's obvious
you ain't catchin' on.
I mean, it's just SAD!
- So, think you're gonna get
in a lot of trouble for this?
- Eh, what's one little
brawl gonna cause?
*alarm blaring in background*
- WHY WONT ANYONE HELP ME?!
- Glad you haven't changed.
You know you're my
favorite guy to party with.
- You know it, sugar tits.
- You ready to finish this?
- Born ready, baby.
(collective screaming)
*crow cawing*
*car engine revving*
(car window winding up and down)
What?
- "What"? "What"?!
What were you doing?!
- (sigh) I owed my
girl buddy a solid!
Isn't that a
"redeeming quality"?
Helping friends with stuff?
- Not with turf wars that
result in territorial genocide!
- Eh... you win some, you lose
a few hundred.
(laughter)
It wasn't that bad anyway.
*knife thrown*
*growling*
- Oh, come on! I had to!
My credibility was on the line.
I mean, what kind of
reputation would I have
if people found out
I was trying to go clean?
It just throws out
my entire persona.
- Your credibility??
What about the hotel's?
Your little stunt made us
look like a fucking joke!
- No, no, no, babe.
Jokes are funny.
I made you look, uh...
sad.
And pathetic!
Like an orphan,
with no arms...
Or- or legs...
Uh… oh! With Progeria!
Great! Now I'm bummed
thinking about it!
This thing have any liquor?
- Can you please just TRY
to take this seriously?
- Fine, I'll try. Just don't get
your taco in a twist, baby.
- Was that you trying
to be sexist, or racist?
- Whatever pisses you off more.
Is there seriously
no liquor in here?
- I'm gonna kill him.
- Too late, toots.
Wait, would that make me double-dead?
Where exactly do I go,
to Double Hell?!
Hahahahahaha!
Sorry. You're stuck with me,
bitch. Get used to it.
- Arrgh! Comé mierda, malparido hijo de-
(Eat shit, bastard son of a-)
- Listen, who cares
if some jackoffs got hurt?
Most of them are ugly freaks.
Look around,
you got a buncha fukken
harlequin babies down here.
- You're one to talk.
- Hey! This body is flawless!
Everyone wants some of me,
and I got the creepy
fan letters to prove it.
Arrgh!
That was really uncool,
y'know, Angel.
- "Uncool"?!
After THAT train wreck,
there is no way ANYONE is gonna
want to stay at the hotel!
All thanks to you,
and your selfish bullshit!
- Does that mean I don't
have a free room anymore?
(tsk) Ah well, shucks. (snap)
- Hey, come on. We don't
know if things are over yet.
Try to relax, Vaggie.
I- It'll be okay!
(car engine running)
(Vaggie groans)
- It's probably
a good idea to get
some actual food in
this place. Y'know,
to feed all the wayward souls
you got in here.
(laughing)
(laughing dying down)
eh-
- Hey Mom!
Um.... I know I keep
calling, and, uh, you must be busy...
really… busy.
But, um,
the interview didn't go well, and…
I don't know if I'm
going to make a difference.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I could really use
some advice, Mom.
I... I think Dad
was right about me.
(cry-chuckle) Uff. Eh, anyway, I'll stop
talking before this gets long.
Love you. Bye.
(knock)
(rhythmic knocking)
Hell--
--lo!
Charlie: Hey Vaggie?
- What?
- The Radio Demon
is at the door...!
- What?!
- Uh, who?
- What should I do?
- Uh- well, don't let him in!
- May I speak now?
- You may...
- Alastor! Pleasure to be
meeting you, sweetheart.
Quite a pleasure!
Excuse my sudden visit,
but I saw your fiasco
on the picture show,
and I just couldn't resist. What a performance!
(audience cheering)
Why, I haven't been that entertained
since the stock market crash of 1929!
(haughty laughter)
...So many orphans.
Vaggie: Stop! Right! There!
Cabrón, hijo de perra! (Bastard, son of a bitch!)
I know your game, and I'm not
gonna let you hurt anyone here,
you pompous, cheesy,
talk-show shitlord!
- Dear, if I wanted
to hurt anyone here...
...I WOULD HAVE DONE SO ALREADY.
...I W͟OULD HAVȨ ҉D̢O͜N̶E SO ALR͝E҉ADY.
.͝.̀.I͘ ̴WO͟UL̢D ̴H͢A͜V͘E͝ ̕DON͠E ͝S͟O ALREA͞DY̴.
.͏..I̸ ͜W͡O͢͠U̴͜͝LD̷ ̡͢H̵̨A͠͡VE͘҉ ̶Ḑ͝O͢N͢E̡ S͟O̶ ̨A̢L̶̴RE̸A͠D̷̛Y̷.̸҉
.͞͝..I̸ ̴͘W̡O͡U̡L̨D̶ ̡͠H̸́A͟V̶E ̨͘D̴ON̡͜E̶̡ ̡́SO̷͠ ̨̕A͢L̷R̴Ȩ͢͠Ą͟͟D̶Y͠.̡͜
.҉͢.̷͡.҉̢͘I̶̢ ͏̴W̛͟͠Ò̴U͘L͟D̡ ̸̨Ḩ͠A̸V̴E͏ ̸̵DƠ̶N̵̷̡E̛ ̸̡͞S̴͝O̷҉ A̧L͜͢R͠E̷͜À̛D͘Y.̢̧͠
.̡͢͞.̴̶̢̀.́͝͝͠I͘̕͝ ҉͟W̷͘O͘U̡҉̵̛̀L̢̛҉͏̶D̸̨ ̸̨Ḩ̶A̶̢͢͡V̵́̕͞Ę͟͞͠ ̷̴̕͝͞D͠O̵͢͜͜Ń̴͢͢E̢͡ ͏̸̀̕͘ŞO̵͟ ̧A̷͝Ĺ̴̨̢ŔE͡͏̴A̷̡͜D҉̷͠Ỳ̸̛͡.̶̛̕͠͝
.҉̨.̵̷̢͜͢.́͝͝I̧̛͘ ̢͡͏͡Ẁ͏̛̕͞O҉̷͏́U̵̧͘͟͝L̷̴̕D͠͡ ҉̵̧H̷͢͡A̵̛͏̸V̧̛͘E͟͏̶ ̶͜͡҉͘D̸̡̨O̡̧͢N̨͘͢͡E҉̀ ̴́͞͝S̵͏O̡͝ ̵̶̵͘͡A̛͠͝Ĺ͞͞R͘҉̶̛͝E̶͜͞͠Ą̵́͜D̢́͢Ý̵̴͏.̴̵̷͘
.̨͏́͟.̵.͏͢҉̛҉I͟ ̴̢̡͘͠Ẃ͜͞͠O̵͡U҉̷̸L̀҉͟͠D̨́͘͝͠ ҉̶́͟͠H̷̴̛Á͡҉̡V̸̴̸̕͘Ȩ͟͝ ̵̨̕D́͝O̶̷̧͜͟N̷̵̨͡E͡҉ ́͏̴̴S̶̛̕O̸̶̕ ̴͝A͝͠L̵̶̛͡͏R̸̷͡E͘͘A̡̛͘͟D̀́͠Ý҉͏͠.̡͜
- ...No, I'm here because
I want to help!
- Say what now?
- Help! (laughing)
Hello? is this thing on?
Testing, testing.
Microphone: Well
I heard you loud and clear!
- Um, you want to help with...?
- This ridiculous thing
you're trying to do; this hotel!
I want to help you run it.
- But... why?
- Hahaha! Why does
anyone do anything?
Sheer, Absolute BOREDOM
I've lacked inspiration for decades.
My work became mundane,
lacking focus...
...AIMLESS! (crash)
I've come to crave a NEW form of entertainment!
Hahaha!
- Does getting into
a fist fight with a reporter
count as entertainment?
- Ha-ha-ha! It's the
purest kind, my dear.
REALITY! TRUE PASSION!
After all, the world is a stage,
and the stage is a world
of entertainment!
- ...So, does this mean
that you think it's POSSIBLE
to rehabilitate a demon?
- (laughter) Of course not!
That's wacky nonsense.
Redemption... oh,
the non-existent humanity!
Nononono... I don't
think there's anything left
that could save such
loathsome sinners.
The chance given was
the life they lived before,
the punishment is THIS!
There is no undoing
what is done.
- So then why do you want to help me
if you don't believe in my cause?
- Consider it an investment
in ongoing entertainment for myself!
I want to watch the scum
of the world struggle
to climb up the
hill of betterment,
only to repeatedly trip
and tumble down
into the fiery pit of failure...
- Rrrrrright...
- Yes, indeedy! I see big
things coming your way,
and who better
to help you than I?
- I-so uh what's the deal
with Smiles over there?
- Wait, you've never
heard of him before?
You've been here longer than me.
The Radio Demon?
One of the most powerful
beings Hell has ever seen?
- Eh, not big on politics.
- Ugh.
Decades ago, Alastor manifested
in Hell.
Seemingly overnight, he began to topple overlords who
had been dominant for centuries.
That kind of raw power had never been
harnessed by a mortal soul before!
Then, he broadcast his carnage
all throughout Hell,
just so everyone could
witness his ability!
Sinners started calling
him "The Radio Demon"...
...as lazy as that is.
Many have speculated what
unimaginable force enabled him
to rival our world's most
ancient and destructive evils.
But one thing's for sure.
He's an unpredictable
source of danger,
a wicked spirit of mystery,
and a violent monster of chaos,
the likes of which we can't
risk getting involved with,
unless we want to end up ERASED.
- Ya done?
He looks
like a strawberry pimp!
- Well, I don't trust him.
- To be fair, do you trust
any man? Any men?
Men?
- Charlie, listen to me...
You can't believe this creep.
He isn't just a happy face.
He's a deal maker. Pure evil!
He can't be redeemed! And is
most likely looking for a way
to destroy everything
we're trying to do.
- I... eh- we don't know that.
Look, I know he's bad
and I know he probably
doesn't wanna change.
But the whole point of this
is to give people a chance,
to have faith things will be better.
How can I turn
someone away? I can't.
It goes against
everything I'm trying to do.
Everything I believe in.
Just, trust me.
I can take care of myself.
- Charlie, whatever you do,
do not make a deal with him. (radio humming)
- Don't worry. I picked up
one thing from my dad:
"You don't
take shit from other demons!"
Okay... so, Al,
you're sketchy as fuck,
and you clearly see what
I'm trying to do here as a joke.
But I don't.
I think everyone
deserves a chance
to prove they can be better, so
I'm taking your offer to help.
On the condition
that there be no...
tricks or voodoo
strings attached.
- So it's a deal then?
(wind howling)
- Nope! No shaking.
No deals. I... hmm...
...As Princess of Hell,
and heir to the throne,
I-uh, hereby order that
you help with this hotel...
...for as long as you desire.
Sound fair?
- Hmm...
...fair enough.
- Cool beans...
(Alastor humming
"You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile")
- Smile, my dear!
You know you're never
fully dressed without one!
(humming continues)
So where is your hotel staff?
- Uh... well...
Ho-ho-ho, you're going
to need more than that.
And what can you do,
my effeminate fellow?
- I can suck ya dick.
- HA!
NO.
- Heh, your loss.
- Well this just won't do!
I suppose I can cash in a few
favors to liven things up.
(whimsical jingle)
(party horn squeaks)
This little darling is Niffty!
- Hi, I'm Niffty.
It's nice to meet you.
It's been a while since
I've made new friends...
Why are you all women?
Have any men here?!
I'm sorry if that's rude.
Oh man! This place is filthy!
It really needs a lady's touch,
which is weird because
you're all ladies, no offense.
Ohmigosh, this is awful!
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
(gasp)
NOPE.
???: Ha! Read 'em and weep, boys.
Ful--wooooooah
The hell?
What the fuck is this?
(furiously) YOU.
- Ah! Husker, my good friend,
glad you could make it!
Don't you "Husker" me,
you son of a bitch.
I was about to win
the whole damn POT!
- Good to see you too.
*Face palm*
- What the hell do you want
with me this time?
- My friend, I am doing
some charity works,
so I took it upon myself
to volunteer your services!
I hope that's okay.
- Are you shittin' me?
- Hmm. No, I don't think so.
(audience laughter)
- You thought it would be
some kinda big fuckin' riot
just to pull me outta nowhere?
You think I'm some
kind of fuckin' clown?!
- Maybe!
(audience laughter)
- I ain't doin' no fuckin' charity job.
- Well, I figured you would
be the perfect face
to man the front desk
of this fine establishment!
(audience applause)
With your charming smile
and welcoming energy,
this job was made for you!
Don't worry, my friend. I can
make this more welcoming...
...if you wish.
- What? You think you can buy me
with a wink and some cheap booze?!
Well, you can!
- Hey! hey! Hey-hey-hey!
No, no bar! No alcohol.
This is supposed to be place
that DISCOURAGES sin!
Not some kind of now-brothel... man cave--
- Shut up! SHUT! UP!
We are keeping this.
- Hey.
- Go fuck yourself.
- Only if you watch me~
- Oh my gosh!
Welcome to the Happy Hotel!
You are going to LOVE IT HERE!
- I lost the ability
to love years ago.
- So, what do you think?
- This is amazing!
(party horn)
- It's... okay.
- Hahaha!
This is going to be
very entertaining!
(radio starting up)
♪ You have a dream, ♪
♪ You wish to tell, ♪
♪ And it's just laughable, ♪
♪ But hey, kid, what the hell! ♪
♪ 'Cause you're one of a kind, ♪
♪ A charming demon belle! ♪
♪ Now, let's give these
burning fools a place to dwell! ♪
Take it, boys!
- Ha-ha!
- Boo!
♪ Inside of every demon
is a lost cause, ♪
♪ But we'll dress 'em
up for now with just a smile! ♪
- ♪ WITH A SMILE! ♪
- ♪ And we'll chlorinate this cesspool ♪
♪ with some
old redemption flair, ♪
♪ And show these simpletons
some proper class and style! ♪
- ♪ CLASS AND STYLE! ♪
- ♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Here below the ground, ♪
♪ I'm sure your plan is sound! ♪
♪ They'll spend a little time~ ♪
♪ Down at this Hazbin Ho- ♪
(crash)
Sir Pentious: Ha! Well, well, well.
Look who it is
harboring the striped freak!
We meet yet again, Alastor!
- Do I know you?
- OH, yes you do!
And this time, I have
the element of... surprise!
AH HA HA!
I'm so evil! NYE-HA-HA-HA!
Whoa... whoa... whoa... oh...
Whoooa!
(screaming, egg shells cracking)
(slam)
Argh! That hurt!
(tortured screaming)
(Egg Bois howling)
(explosion)
...Well, I'm starved!
Who wants some jambalaya?
My mother once showed me
a wonderful recipe for jambalaya!
In fact, it nearly
killed her! Ha-ha-ha!
You could say the kick
was right out of Hell!
Oh-hoho, I'm on a roll!
Yes sir, this is the start of some
real changes down here!
The game is set.
Now...
...STAY TUNED.
(low chuckling)
(Rocking Credits)
(ground burning)
(limbs rattling)
Now will you shoot me
with your ray gun?