Hawaii Five-O (1968–1980): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Joker's Wild, Man, Wild! - full transcript

McGarrett. Go ahead.

Steve, this is Dan.

I'm less than a
mile from the fort.

Do you want me to take it?

Proceed to fort, Danno.

I'll meet you. Repeat.

I'll meet you at the fort.

Over and out.

Got it. Over and out.

Major. Danno. What do we got?

Strange thing.



Somebody just set fire
to the Jeep and ran off.

Just like that?

Yes, sir. That's all.

We saw the Jeep burning,

some civilian's
hotfooting on the fence,

but by the time we
got here, he was gone.

Any description?

Didn't really get a
good look at him, sir.

Che Fong is on his
way from the lab.

Why? What reason?

The Army assumes you'll be
able to tell us that, Mr. McGarrett.

Well, I appreciate the
Army's confidence, major.

Doesn't make any sense.

Maybe it's not supposed to.



Stay on top of it, Danno.

I got a meeting with the
governor in 15 minutes.

Right.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir. Are
you in charge here?

Why? Have you got
a statement to make?

Oh, heavens, no.

I just drove by and
saw all the excitement.

I thought I'd get
a few pictures.

Much more interesting
scenery in Hawaii.

It's the far-out shots that
win the prizes, sergeant.

Mister will do.

Oh, excuse me.

I thought all policemen in
plain clothes were sergeants.

Hey, sergeant?

Scenery's where you find it.

I can't wait for
litigation to start.

According to the man...

I need you, bruddas.

How was your meeting
with the governor?

The end of a perfect day.

Anything new on the Army case?

Yeah. Jeep was burned
by a Molotov cocktail.

Che Fong found the remains
of the bottle with a set of prints.

We photofaxed a copy to
Washington. Still waiting.

Got something here
that may add to it,

report from the Honolulu
Police Department.

We're having an
epidemic of fun and games.

Yeah. "Police car stolen,
found parked in an empty garage.

Rare royal palm tree sawed
down sometime last night."

God, whatever happened
to the good old days

of overturned outhouses, huh?

It's a new day.
Anything for kicks.

Yeah, but what kind of kook
gets turned on cutting down

a 100-year-old tree?

Well, maybe the same kind
of kook who set fire to a Jeep.

Newspapers are
picking up on it too,

playing up the comedy angle.

Yeah. I know where
we'll be standing

when the custard
pie gets thrown.

Last bottle, coming up.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Not too much for Billy boy.

They can't hold their liquor.

Pretty big talk, haole,

for a man that can't
hold his own woman.

Oh, now, Billy, that's not fair.

Craig and I were
engaged back in Dallas.

I think. Oh, you know we were.

That's right. We were.

Till I tasted the
pleasures of the island.

Back off, Jo Louise.

Oh. I guess my trouble
is I love you both.

You're so different.

Like salt and pepper.

Day and night.

Craig hasn't lost... yet.

He hates to lose.

Don't you, Craig-y baby?

Especially to a blackie.

Now, Craig, that's not fair.

Billy's not black.

He's sort of a...

What are you, Billy? Brown?

Hawaiian, sweetness.

That's right. He's
Hawaiian sweetness.

We gonna play the
game or socialize

with the hired help?

What are you talking
about, "hired help"?

I've been working
for free so far.

Listen to me, boy.

Even if you won

and she was crazy
enough to marry you,

her father would cut her
off without any inheritance.

No, he wouldn't.

Because then his only
child would cut him off.

He'll do what he
always does, Craig.

He'll just, uh,
grumble a little bit

then he'll give in.

You wanna play the game or not?

All the way.

Okay, now, hide your eyes.

Hide your eyes.

Now, let's see.

The, um... The Army installation

puts Billy 20 points ahead.

Pick a card. Any card.

I'll try the nine.

Bingo.

A hundred and fifty.

Sink a boat? That's crazy.

Well, only if you think
the prize isn't worth it.

You can always
pass, Craig-y baby.

It'll only cost you 150 points.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Well, what's it gonna be?

A little action or not?

A little action.

You still dig the
guy, don't you?

Uh, ask me when the game's over.

Oh, here he comes.

Hey, wait here,
I need a picture.

And the police car was found
parked in the garage here.

No pattern, no special area.

What have you got?

Got another one.

Someone just opened
the bilge in a sailboat

at the Ala Wai Yacht Harbor.

Sunk it right at the dock.

Any witnesses?

Lots of them. Crowds.

Only after the boat got sunk.

Wise guy.

I better put it on the
board with the others.

Now, wait a minute, Danno.

Let's make sure it's him first.

Kono, get with Che Fong.

See if he can find
any prints on the boat

after it's raised.

Oh, boss.

It may not be important,

but a young man at
the dock said he saw

a woman taking pictures
of the boat while it sank.

A young, good-looking
haole chick.

I think it's less... Less nose.

Make her younger, more, uh...

More innocent looking.

Like this?

No, I think...

I think you can still
work on the nose.

It's too wide up here.

Yeah, that's it.

Now, the jaw...

The jaw didn't seem
to be as wide as this.

Can you fix that down here?

Uh, now...

Her hair should
be a little longer.

Looks like all
sweetness and light.

Alice in Wonderland.

Yeah, we're getting
there. That's it.

I think you've
got it. Let me see.

Yeah, that's about it.

Okay.

"Scenery is where you find it."

Danno, get a copy
to every H.P.D. officer,

bars, hotels, all
the swinging joints.

Thank you, Charlie. Aloha.

Bye.

Jenny?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the 'Iolani Palace.

Oh, my...

The only royal palace
on American soil.

Built by King Kalakaua in 1882,

this remnant of Hawaii's
glittering golden past

today houses
offices of governor,

attorney general

and state police unit Five-0.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

And suppose we move on to
another subject, Miss Mailer.

You've been seen lately
with several male companions.

We'd like to know who they are.

Male companions?

Let me see, um... Oh,
yes, now I remember.

It must have been
Steve and Paul.

Do they have last names?

McQueen and Newman.

Nice work.

My daddy always said,

"Go first class or stay home."

Miss Mailer, let's get
down to cases, shall we?

Oh, now I like that.

It's so hairy-chested.

We've had some unusual
crimes committed in Honolulu

since yesterday morning.

One of them involved
the destruction

of government property.

That's a federal offense.

Really?

Really.

The most recent was arson.

We think you're involved.

Oh, I can see the headlines now:

"Gangland Moll Defies
Police. Island in Terror."

Save it for your memoirs, honey.

My, what big teeth you have.

Okay, angel face.

Let's put it down on your level.

Now, I've got enough
circumstantial evidence

to cool you for
at least 24 hours.

Now, that just might
be enough time

to shake your boyfriends
out of the woodwork.

Once I've done that,

somebody's gonna
panic and point a finger.

Always happens that way.

And that's all I need

to keep a swinger like you

away from the action
for a long, long time.

Do I get a blindfold
and a last cigarette?

You ever hear of Halawa?

It's a candy, isn't it?

It ain't sweet.

It's the state prison.

Yeah, Jenny?

Mr. Harlan Davis, the attorney.

He'd like to see you, boss.

It's about Miss Mailer.

Well, he knows the way in.

You know your way in.

Oh, Harlan.

Steve. Come in.

Danny.

Miss Mailer.

Hello there, Harlan.

You come to head
'em off at the pass?

Well, your father expresses
his concern and affection

and wants me to assure you

that there's nothing
to worry about.

Oh, darn it. There never is.

Shall we, uh, dispense
with the small talk

and get right down
to the nitty-gritty?

Well, as you wish, Steve.

At the request of
Miss Mailer's father,

I've obtained a writ
of habeas corpus

for her immediate release.

Without even
knowing the charges?

As far as I'm able to
determine, there aren't any.

At least not any that
would stick in court.

An innocent bystander just
happens to be on the scene

when some prank is committed.

Steve, don't you fellows
have enough to keep you busy?

We're working on it,
Harlan. We're working on it.

I suppose you realize
that, uh, Miss Mailer's father

is Royce Ellington Mailer,

a very wealthy
and influential man,

and friend of numerous
important citizens,

both here and in Washington.

You left out his
birthday, his shoe size

and his personal fortune.

Yeah, so I did.

Well, Steve, would you
care to specify a legal charge

or may I take my client home?

So far, she's all yours,

but, uh, don't
count on it lasting.

Miss Mailer.

Thank you, sergeant.

Oh, listen, it's
been just, uh...

Well, now, what
did they used to say?

Peachy?

Yeah, peachy will do.

It's a living.

Well, we didn't have
anything solid to hold her on.

I got something solid, Danno.

I got a gut feeling

that daddy's little darling
isn't through having fun yet.

Kono? KONO: Yes, Steve?

Miss Mailer just
left with her attorney.

Dog her.

I wanna know where
she goes, what she does

and who's with her
when she does it.

Done.

Miss Mailer,

the posted speed limit on
this street is 35 miles per hour.

Now I know why daddy
hired you, Mr. Davis.

You can read.

Under the circumstances...

Under the circumstances,

I think you'd better hang on

while I lose
whoever's following us.

Please, Miss Mailer,
this is dangerous.

No.

Calling Central Dispatch.

Five-0 calling Central Dispatch.

Hey, tote that barge.

How's it feel to
walk in the front door

of a place like this, huh?

Like a hairless haole.

People think that the gods
gave you some special gift

with the women, don't they?

Your women seem to think so.

I'd like to see you cut it

without the pineapples
and palm trees.

Yeah, but when it gets
right down to the nitty-gritty,

I don't need all that jazz.

I don't need it,
because I'm a man.

The one who wins
the game is the man.

And I'm winning.

You lost.

You lost a long time ago, haole.

Oh, you're arguing again?

I'm not hungry.

Oh, baby, what's wrong?

What's wrong is I'm not hungry.

I'm always hungry.

Oh, come on, Craig.

Come and eat.

Honestly, can I help
it if I love both of you?

It's a terrible shame

there's gonna be
only one winner.

But then, I'm only one girl.

Well, come on,
Craig, I feel awful.

Eat something.

We gonna sit here all
day or play the game?

Careful, Craig.
You're getting uptight.

Just impatient.

Come on, superboy,
you're 130 points behind.

Easy enough to beat
with one big card.

The joker?

Pass. I just wanna cripple
the competition, not kill it.

Give me the king.

Oh, big jump to the king.

Are you sure you can handle it?

Up and over,
baby. Let's see what

your little bent head
has come up with.

I should have them processed
for you by this afternoon, miss.

What's the name please?

Parker.

Bonnie Parker.

Oh? What's the address?

Waikiki Ocean Hotel.

There you are, Miss
Parker. Anytime after 3.

Thank you.

Uh-oh.

Do you have a back door?

That man out there,

he just won't leave me alone.

Don't worry. You can go
straight through there to the alley.

Men like you make
a girl feel so safe.

Thank you.

Steve? Yeah.

Prints Che Fong got
off that sunken sailboat.

Checked them all out.

There's one we
can't account for.

What about a
match with that print

off the gasoline bomb?

Zero. Which means our
man is careful, I guess

or maybe there is
more than one of them.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, Jenny?

Kono on two.

Kono, what do you got?

Just spotted the
Mailer girl's car

parked on Wailani Street.

Did you see her?

No, she was in a camera shop.

She spotted me and
ducked out the back door.

The one in the shopping center?

Right.

Okay, stay there. I'm on my way.

Hold the fort, Danno.

How would you like to earn this?

Mighty kind of you, friend.

I said, earn it.

Of course, because it ain't...

It ain't that I'm against work.

Th... That's for sure.

It's... It's just that I got
this delicate back condition.

I guess, I'll have to
find somebody else

that wants to make five bucks.

Hm, hey... Wait a minute.

It ain't... It ain't
yard work, is it?

I-I'm not very
good at yard work.

No. It's not yard work at all.

What's your name?

Nobody down here got a name.

Okay, um...

Stumbles. Ha, ha.

Are you sure that work

ain't gonna be too
hard, now, will it?

Easy. It'll be over
before you know it.

I got some engine trouble.

Why don't you crawl in
there and get me some tools?

Engine trouble? Well, hey.

You sure this
thing's got an engine?

Wait a minute.

Hey, what was all that anyway?

Somebody's shooting at us?

They got the left front tire.

Oh, now, hey,
now, wait a minute.

What...? What kind of job do
you got in mind for me, anyway,

where I gotta ride in the
trunk and get shot at, huh?

I told you you'd get paid.
Now, if you don't want the job...

No, no, no.

No, no, no!

I said, I'd go along, now.

It's just that it was
awful hot in here.

Cramped too.

You got your bottle, now
bring a spare, will you?

More to life than
a bottle, you know.

Whatever you say.

You think because
I drink a little

that I don't have any
feelings or something?

Old man, I don't care
about your feelings any more

than you don't care about mine.

I care.

Maybe that's my
trouble, I care too much.

Anyway, I'm... I'm not that old.

You're not that old?

You look like you've been
dead for a hundred years.

Sure, you...

You're pretty young to
be talking that way about...

About death, hm?

That's right.

Pretty young.

But your gonna help
me out, Stumbles.

You gonna change a
lot of things in my life.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You don't have to.
Just drink your wine

and don't die for a while.

Good picture, Steve.

Yeah.

I'll send you one,
framed and autographed.

Why, I had no idea the police
were looking for Miss Parker.

She seemed so... So nice.

Yeah, she's a real sweetheart.

I'll need the negatives.

We'll want to make
our own blow-ups.

Of course. But what
about Miss Parker?

We'll see that she
gets some prints.

Thank you.

Lucrezia Borgia needs
wheels, so... Who?

The lady needs wheels.

She's not stupid enough to
come back for her own car.

Call Chin.

Ask him to check every
car rental agency in town.

If she rents one, she'll
have to identify herself

with a driver's license.

Break liners,

whole southwest territory,

Bender and Company.

Boy, people liked me.

They respected me too.

Past tense, old man.

You're a loser.

All you need is
a bottle of wine.

Cheap wine.

You still breathing?

Take this tire and
get back in the trunk.

That's right.

Chin Ho Kelly.

Has a Jo Louise Mailer
rented a car from you people?

Oh, that's Mailer. M-A-I-L-E-R.

She's 25. Blonde hair.

All right. If she does
come in, stall her.

Call Five-0 immediately. Thanks.

McGarrett.

I'm Jo Louise's daddy.

Stopped off on my way to Manila.

Harlan Davis picked
me up at the airport.

He tells me

that you've been giving
Jo Louise a bad time.

He does, huh?

He does.

And I don't like it.

Well, that worries
me, Mr. Mailer.

It truly does.

It should, McGarrett.
I'm a big man.

Yeah, so I've been told.

Now, uh, would
you like the truth?

Your truth?

Would you like
to hear the truth?

All right, now, you just tell
me what this is all about.

I don't know what
it's all about, not yet.

But what I do know is that
your daughter and her friends

are involved in some
kind of an insane game.

That's my Jo Louise.

She's a very
high-spirited little old girl.

Mischievous, you might say.

Yeah. Yeah, you might say.

Now, so far...

So far...

this is the toll.

And I have a feeling
the game is not over yet.

What all this come to
in American money?

Give me a number. Any number.

No chance, big daddy.

No chance.

Not this time and
not in this state.

Your daughter is
in serious trouble.

Now, you can help me help her

before she gets
in over her head.

It's up to you.

Fact of the matter is,

I've never been able to
do anything with Jo Louise,

except pick up the checks.

Okay. Now, I'm giving
you an opportunity.

You get your lawyer off my back

and you keep him off.

And don't try to pull
any strings if I tag her.

You understand that?

I don't know.

I've always stood behind her.

Well, now, I'm asking
you to stand aside,

before it's too late.

Just between you
and me, McGarrett?

Yeah.

Yeah, between you and me.

Yeah.

You know, I really hope
you have better luck

with Jo Louise than I've had.

Yeah, so do I.

Baby, what happened?

Everything.

Black Beauty tripped
and lost 300 points.

That's what you think, buddy.

Come on over here.

Oh, we're on
again, Craig-y baby.

Black Beauty's in the stretch.

Him? Him.

He's an old wino.

That's not kidnapping.

Well, it ain't
babysitting, dum-dum.

He's right.

As long as the body's warm...

Are you warm?

Come on.

This is how you win
your games, huh?

You can say that again, haole.

Okay, as long as we
both know how to play.

Now, boys, don't fight.

Remember what somebody said:

"All's fair in love and war."

Besides, I think he's cute.

Hey.

Hey, how do you like to
give me a big smile, grandpa?

On your way, Stumbles.

On your way.

Straight down the road.

Game getting too rough for you?

Are you kidding? I'm winning.

Get down the road.

Straight ahead, down
the road, Stumbles.

How am I doing for
points so far, buddy?

You're 270 ahead.

That tear you up?

Where are the cards?

Well, the king's gone.

Queen couldn't be
worth more than 250.

That's not enough.

Then how about the joker?

The joker?

First class or stay home.

You could back out.

No chance.

He's crazy, but not that crazy.

Don't be too sure.

You've got him
backed into a corner,

and there's only one way out.

No, no, not the old
man. Well, why not?

He was good enough for you.

Stumbles! Stumbles!

Wait a minute!

May I see your license?

I want the truth
this time, honey.

Oh, my, what pretty pictures.

But I prefer sunsets.

Did you ever see a
tropical sunset, sergeant?

You're hooked this
time, angel face.

That's what you call in my
business, hard evidence.

Pictures? Pictures you took.

I can hold you on at least
six assorted felony charges.

I wonder if you can?

Unless there's a law against
taking pictures in this state.

You and a couple of your
friends have been playing

some kind of a sick game.

I wanna know the rules.

I still haven't
the slightest idea

what you're talking about.

Maybe this will jog your memory.

I'll level with you, brother.

You got big pilikia.

Big trouble.

'A 'ole pilikia.

You think the wahine
is gonna help you?

I can help myself, brother.

Steal car, 50 points.

Saw down tree, 75 points.

Hundred and twenty-five
for burning a Jeep.

Hundred and
fifty, sinking a boat.

Kidnap, 300.

And the kill card,
joker, 500 points.

How far has the
game gone, honey?

Where's my attorney?

I don't have anything
to say until he gets here.

Steve.

Jackpot, Steve.

Billy Hona's prints match
the set on the bottle.

Oh, good.

Book him?

No, no. Not yet, Chin.

How fast can you get down
to Miss Mailer's rented car?

Well, faster than she can.

All right, I'll tell
you what you do.

I don't think your
boss likes me.

Hope it doesn't
keep you up nights.

No. It's just that...

Well, gosh, I hope it
isn't anything personal.

No chance.

You're free to go.

What?

Oh. Somebody bend the points

on your little old badge?

Can't win 'em all.

Listen, we've just got to stop
meeting like this, sergeant.

We've got the pictures,
cards. What's this all about?

This. Notched just
like the rest of them.

We've got one last
chance to stop it.

Hey, you're...
You're a nice fellow.

That... That would have
been a long walk home.

See, I... I got...

I got this real delicate
back condition.

It keeps me kind of
close to home, you know.

Where's home?

Hm? Oh, mostly the Sunset Hotel

whenever I can scrape
up the price of a bed.

They have a swimming pool?

Hm? Oh, no.

It ain't nothing
fancy like that there.

I bet you like to swim?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I just... I
just love to swim.

I just don't know
how, that's all.

Well, drink up, drink up.

Uh, wrong way.

Are you, uh, perchance
going to the beach house?

That's right.

Whatever for?

I asked you a question,
and I want an answer.

Wait and you'll find out.

You're not gonna try
to stop Craig, are you?

♪ If you do, you'll
forfeit the game ♪

You're way behind, wahine.
I've already checked out.

Well, what's the
matter with you?

Don't you think I'll keep
my part of the bargain

if you win?

There's nothing to win.

You can't fool me, beach boy.

I smell sweet.

And so does my daddy's money.

And they come together.

No muss, no fuss.

Is it that old wino? Is that it?

That's it. Craig
was right about you.

You don't have any
ambition, any guts!

You're a born pineapple picker!

All you can do
is sit in the sun!

You'll die sitting in the sun!

Diminishing, huh?

Yeah.

Must be left.

Billy.

Billy, listen to me please.

I don't want Craig to win.

I don't want Craig.

He'll smother me.

Dallas will smother me.

Billy, I want you.

And that old
wino isn't worth it.

He's half-dead already.

I'm alive, Billy, alive.

Billy...

Don't... Don't
treat me like this.

Don't... Don't do this to me.

Please. Please.

Please, Billy.

Please, Mr. Howard.

Please, Mr. Howard,
don't kill me.

Don't kill me!

Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Please shut up.

Oh, why would you shoot?
It's a felony to do this to me.

Please. What do you
wanna do this to me for?

Don't. Please don't.

No, no. On the
board. On the board.

On the board. Please,
get on the board.

No, please. Please don't.

Don't make it so hard
for me. Please. No. No.

No! I can't swim!

No!

I gotta win. I gotta win.

Please, don't.

Don't you do it, Craig-y baby.

No, no.

Please. Don't... Don't...
Don't make me do that.

The game's over.

Bet's off.

I wanna play it out all the way.

Drop the gun, Craig.

I drew the joker. I
haven't killed anyone yet.

Because you can't.
- No such word.

If you could, you would've.

Give me the gun, Craig.

You're wrong, Billy boy.

Maybe I can't kill
anyone I don't hate.

That doesn't include you.

Craig!

Keep out of this, Jo Louise.

No more grays.

This is the difference
between black and white.

Game is over, Craig.

Don't push me.

Game isn't over until I win.

You've already won.
Take her. She's yours.

Not till I say so!

Only one way to settle this.

No!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Oh, no, Billy.

Oh, Billy, no.

No. No.

You're under arrest.

I got a gun!

Don't make it any worse.

Jo Louise, get away from him.

It was a game, Billy.

Make it easy on yourself.

Throw that gun out.

Where's the other
one? Where'd he go?

To the car. Radio for help.

Jo Louise, get away from him!

Drop it. Drop it!

Is he really dead?

Yeah.

I can't believe it.

You'll believe it soon enough.

Danno, better get an
ambulance over here.

Let's go.

Look.

I know how your game worked.

What's the prize?

She was. Jo Louise.

And you drew the
joker, huh? A kill card?

I drew it, but it wasn't
supposed to be this way.

Oh? How was it supposed to be?

It was just a game,
a crazy game.

Should've stayed in Dallas.

Why is it you guys always
say, "I should have"?

It Was... It was a game.

Just a crazy game.