Have Gun - Will Travel (1957–1963): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Return of the Lady - full transcript

YOU WANT YOUR WOMAN BACK.

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S ONLY
ONE WAY YOU CAN GET HER.

FIGHT FOR HER.
JUST THE TWO OF US.

I'LL LEAVE THE CHOICE
OF WEAPONS TO YOU.

HEY BOY.

WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE?

DON'T TELL ME YOU
HAVEN'T READ THE TELEGRAM.

I READ. I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE.

OH?

BEING MARRIED THE 26TH.

PLEASE COME TO GIVE
AWAY THE BRIDE, B.G. RANCH.



ASK ANYONE IN TEXAS.

DIANA COULTER.

PLENTY BIG SHOCK, I BET YOU.

HAVEN'T YOU ANYTHING ELSE TO DO?

YOU KNOW, YOU JEALOUS
LIKE ANYTHING, HUH?

SUCH NICE ENGLISH LADY.

MAYBE SHE GET TIRED OF
WAITING AROUND FOR YOU.

SURE ENOUGH.

YOU GO TEXAS? TO
GIVE BRIDE AWAY?

WELL HEY BOY, ISN'T THAT
WHAT I USUALLY DO WITH BRIDES?

GIVE THEM AWAY.

NOW THEN...

THIS THE WAY TO B.G.'S PLACE?

NEVER HEARD OF HIM.



YOU BETTER GET YOURSELF
BETTER ORIENTED, MISTER.

YOU'RE ON HIS LAND.

YOU ASKING DIRECTIONS,
FELLA OR GIVING 'EM?

THAT DEPENDS ON WHICH
ONE OF US IS MORE LOST.

[LAUGHING]

YOU BETTER HEAD ALONG WITH US.

WE'RE SORTA HEADED
IN THAT DIRECTION.

YOU UH... WEDDING GUESTS?

YOU UM... YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M ANOTHER GUEST.

YOU WOULDN'T BY CHANCE
BE THE ONE THAT'S COME

TO GIVE THE BLUSHING
BRIDE IN HOLY MATRIMONY?

WELL, WELL.

AND WHO MAY I ASK ARE YOU?

I'M GENERAL GRAFTON.

MOST PEOPLE CALL ME B.G.

I'M THE GROOM.

MOUNT UP!

YOU LIKE IT?

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU
HAVE TO LIVE SOMEWHERE.

FINEST BUILDING IN ALL TEXAS.

I'LL ACCEPT NOTHING
BUT THE FINEST.

OH, I'M SURE YOUR
BRIDE APPRECIATES THAT.

HMMM?

THE FACT THAT YOU ARE
WILLING TO ACCEPT HER.

SAN FRANCISCO'S A LONG
WAY TO COME JUST TO...

STAND UP FOR THE BRIDE.

NOW YOU SEEM TO BE
REMARKABLY WELL-ACQUAINTED

WITH MISS COULTER'S
PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE.

YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED
THE GENTLEMAN'S REMARK.

SOME REMARKS THERE'S
ONLY ONE WAY TO ANSWER,

AND IT'S A WAY I TRY TO AVOID.

YOU CAN'T DENY IT'S
A LONG WAY TO COME

FOR A LITTLE THING LIKE THAT.

I DOUBT THAT THE BRIDE
FEELS IT'S A LITTLE THING.

YOU DON'T MIND
MY BEING PERSONAL,

SEEING AS HOW YOU SEEM
TO KNOW MY BETROTHED

BETTER THAN I DO MYSELF.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

YOUR BUSINESS.

THAT IS WHEN YOU'RE NOT
BUSY GIVING AWAY BRIDES.

THIS CARD MEAN WHAT IT IMPLIES?

I THINK SO.

YOU BE ON YOUR SUNDAY BEHAVIOR.

WE WANT THIS GENTLEMAN
TO FEEL LIKE HE'S ON VACATION.

WELCOME TO B.G.'S.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I
ALREADY FEEL WELCOME.

MARIA, SHOW THE MAN HIS ROOM.

HE DON'T LOOK MUCH LIKE
THE GIVING TYPE TO ME.

THINK MY OLD BRIDE'S
PLAYING ME FOR A FOOL?

I ALWAYS SAID SO, DIDN'T I?

YOU BEING HONEST WITH ME, BOY?

OR ARE YOU HANKERING
TO GET HER FOR YOURSELF?

COULD BE BOTH.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME
TAKE HER OFF YOUR HANDS?

I WONDER IF YOU COULD TELL
ME WHERE MISS COULTER IS?

SHE'S THE LADY WHO'S GOING
TO MARRY GENERAL GRAFTON.

[THUDDING]

[COCKING GUN]

ALL RIGHT, COME ON OUT OF THERE.

COME ON!

WELL...

ANNA.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'RE ANGRY WITH
ME, AREN'T YOU?

WHY SHOULD I BE? YOU
DON'T OWE ME ANYTHING.

IS THAT ALL I MEANT TO YOU?

LET'S KEEP IT IN THE
PRESENT TENSE, SHALL WE?

THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE
IS TO GIVE THE BRIDE AWAY.

HOW COLD AND VIRTUOUS
YOU MAKE THAT SOUND.

HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT
LEFT ALONE IN SAN FRANCISCO?

WHILE YOU WERE OFF
SLAYING DRAGONS,

AND LIBERATING
ENCHANTED CASTLES.

OR SAVING NEW
DAMSELS IN DISTRESS.

ALL FOR A SUITABLE
FEE, OF COURSE!

YOU ARE NOT TELLING
ME WHAT HAPPENED.

NO.

I'M NOT.

THERE WAS AN ADVERTISEMENT
IN THE SAN FRANCISCO PAPER.

FOR AN ENGLISH TUTOR.

IT WAS A MOST GENEROUS SALARY,

BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE MY
PUPIL WAS B.G. HIMSELF.

B.G.?

WHAT WAS HE GOING TO STUDY?

HE WANTED TO LEARN
TO BE A GENTLEMAN.

AN ARISTOCRAT.

NOW THAT'S RATHER A
LARGE ORDER, ISN'T IT?

AND YOU, LIKE PYGMALION,

FELL IN LOVE WITH YOUR SUBJECT.

OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!

WHY DO YOU THINK I
SENT YOU THAT TELEGRAM?

HOW ELSE COULD I
SUMMON YOUR HELP?

HELP?

YES, HELP.

B.G. IS A CHILDLIKE,
GENEROUS MAN.

BUT THERE'S ANOTHER SIDE TO HIM.

I HAVE NO INTENTION
OF MARRYING HIM.

DIANA...

ARE YOU BEING KEPT
HERE AGAINST YOUR WILL?

IT'S 30 MILES TO
THE NEAREST TOWN.

IT'S MORE THAN ANYONE'S LIFE'S
WORTH TO LEND ME A HORSE.

OH.

WHEN'S THE WEDDING?

NOON TOMORROW AT
THE CHURCH IN TOWN.

PALADIN...

IF YOU TURN YOUR BACK
ON ME NOW, I UNDERSTAND.

I HAVE NO RIGHT TO ASK
YOU TO RISK YOUR LIFE.

ARE YOU WILLING TO RISK YOURS?

WITH YOU? OH, YES.

WHERE CAN I MEET YOU LATER?

WOULDN'T IT BE SAFER NOT TO?

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN HERE
AND THE CHURCH TOMORROW,

YOU AND I HAVE TO GET AWAY.

I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT
THE ROAD TONIGHT,

THEN I'LL LET YOU KNOW
WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.

I'LL MEET YOU HERE AT MIDNIGHT.

DIANA NOT FEELING WELL?

DIANA?

MISS COULTER, THE BRIDE?

NO, SHE'S NOT FEELING WELL.

AND WE REFER TO
HER AS LADY COULTER.

I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR. I
DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE

SO TITLE-CONSCIOUS IN
THIS PART OF THE WORLD.

SHE'S A LADY.

A REAL ONE.

NOT LIKE THE TRASH YOU
PICK UP IN THESE PARTS.

AND YOU'LL SETTLE FOR
NOTHING BUT THE BEST.

PALADIN, I'M A KING
IN THESE PARTS.

SOMEDAY ALL OF THIS COUNTRY
WILL BELONG TO A SON OF MINE.

NOW I'VE SEEN THE
SONS OF OTHER RICH MEN.

FLABBY, SLACK-JAWED...

BLOODLESS JELLYFISH.

BECAUSE THEIR FATHERS USED
LESS SENSE IN THEIR OWN MATING,

THAN THEY WOULD IN
BREEDING A HERD OF STEER.

WELL, THE B.G. BRAND

IS GONNA BE THE FINEST
BREED IN THIS STATE.

WHETHER IN MY CATTLE,

OR MY SONS.

UH...

WHAT DOES MISS, UH...

LADY COULTER THINK ABOUT
YOUR FLATTERING INTENTIONS?

YOU SHOW ME THE WOMAN
WHO TURNS DOWN THE CHANCE

TO MARRY A REAL MAN.

TO SAY NOTHING OF ALL THIS.

THEN SHE DIDN'T SAY NO?

SHE DID NOT. DID SHE SAY YES?

MISTER, YOU ASK A LOT
OF PERSONAL QUESTIONS.

FOR A MAN WHO'S IN THIS HOUSE,

PURELY ON MY SUFFERANCE.

I BEG YOUR PARDON AGAIN, SIR.

I TRUST YOU'LL HAVE NO OBJECTION

TO MY HAVING A FEW
WORDS WITH LADY COULTER?

AFTER SUPPER THIS EVENING?

IF SHE WANTS TO TALK TO
YOU, SHE'LL SEND FOR YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU
WASN'T FEELING WELL.

WERE NOT FEELING WELL.

THE VERB ALWAYS
AGREES WITH THE SUBJECT.

GOOD EVENING, MR. PALADIN.

HOW VERY KIND OF YOU
TO COME ALL THIS WAY.

I'M AFRAID YOU'LL FIND
OUR POOR FESTIVITIES

RATHER UNINTERESTING.

POOR! AIN'T NOTHING POOR
ABOUT THE WAY B.G. TAKES A WIFE.

I BEG YOUR PARDON, DEAR.

HOW LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME, I HAVE TO GO AND REST.

A QUEEN AMONG WOMEN.

SHE JUST HAS TO BE
TAUGHT HER PLACE.

DIANA, YOU SURE YOU
UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO?

YES, I THINK SO.

NOW YOU MAKE A MISTAKE,

YOU MOVE TOO SOON OR TOO LATE,

YOU AND I WILL BOTH END UP
WITH BULLETS IN OUR BACKS.

PALADIN...

GO ON.

[MAN:] THAT'S TWICE TONIGHT.

SHE WAS WAITING FOR
HIM IN HIS ROOM AGAIN.

THEY WERE TOGETHER QUITE AWHILE.

I COULDN'T HEAR WHAT
THEY WERE SAYING.

I RECKON THEY WEREN'T
SAYING MUCH THOUGH.

I'M ONLY TELLING YOU
HOW IT SEEMED TO ME.

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET
HER SEND THAT TELEGRAM.

I THOUGHT HE WAS SOME
OLD FRIEND OF THE FAMILY,

THE WAY SHE DESCRIBED HIM.

I WOULDN'T SAY
THEY BEHAVED LIKE...

ENEMIES, EXACTLY.

SEW IT UP GOOD. IT'S A
LONG WAYS TO CHURCH.

YOU MEAN...

YOU STILL WANT TO MARRY HER?

YOU SEE THAT?

HONI-SOIT-QUI-MAL-Y-PENSE.

MY GREAT GRANDDADDY
WAS GIVEN THIS SWORD

BY THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON.

THE IRON DUKE. FOR
BRAVERY IN THE FIELD.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS?

"EVIL TO HIM WHO EVIL THINKS."

AND THEMS THE WORDS YOU LIVE BY.

I'M FOUNDING A DYNASTY HERE.

MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN
WILL KNOW THESE WORDS

BEFORE THEY'RE ABLE TO STAND UP.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE
TO MARRY A LADY.

NOW SHINE IT UP GOOD.

I'M GOING TO WEAR
IT TO THE CEREMONY.

AND TOMORROW MORNING,

I WANT THOSE MEN
IN THEIR SUNDAY BEST.

BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING
TO BE ESCORTING A LADY.

A LADY, DO YOU HEAR!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

NO LAST MINUTE REGRETS?

NO, NO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE.

YOU'RE GETTING A GOOD MAN.

NOT MANY WOMEN CAN SAY AS MUCH.

YOU WANT TO SIT HERE, B.G.?

NO. NO, THANK YOU.

TELL THE MEN TO MOUNT UP.

[SINGING]

[B.G. CONTINUES SINGING]

♪ OH MOTHER, MOTHER ♪

♪ MAKE MY BED ♪

♪ AND MAKE IT LONG AND NARROW ♪

♪ SWEET WILLIAM DIED ♪

[CONTINUES SINGING]

HOLD YOUR FIRE!

YOU MIGHT HIT THE GIRL.

WELL, IT'S A STALEMATE.

AS LONG AS I CAN KEEP
THEM PINNED DOWN.

THEY CAN'T GET UP
HERE, WE CAN'T GET DOWN.

IT'LL BE A LONG AFTERNOON
FOR B.G. AND FOR US.

I COULD SPIN HIM AROUND.

HAVE THEM RUSH HIM
FROM ALL SIDES AT ONCE.

THESE BOYS ARE
MY WEDDING GUESTS.

I INVITED THEM HERE TO REJOICE,

NOT TO GET THEIR
FOOL HEADS SHOT OFF.

THEY'RE GONNA START
THINKING SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU.

THEY'LL BE SAYING
B.G.'S GETTING OLD.

CAN'T MAKE A WOMAN
HAPPY ANYMORE.

I FEEL RATHER SORRY FOR B.G.

OH?

IT'S THE FIRST TIME ANYONE'S
MADE HIM LOOK FOOLISH.

MAN WHO NEEDS 20 GUNS TO
GET HIS BRIDE TO THE ALTAR,

I'D CALL THAT A LOT
WORSE THAN FOOLISH.

HE'S NOT A BAD MAN, REALLY.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT MONSTROUS

VANITY AND AMBITION.

"PRIDE GOETH BEFORE DESTRUCTION,

"AND A HAUGHTY
SPIRIT BEFORE A FALL."

AND THOSE ARE THE
QUALITIES I'M COUNTING ON

TO GET US OUT OF HERE.

ALIVE.

TELL THE BOYS TO KEEP
THEM PINNED DOWN.

DON'T LET THEM GET TOO COZY.

WELL, WE CAN ONLY HOPE B.G.
LIVES UP TO OUR EXPECTATIONS.

PALADIN, IF WE DO
GET OUT OF HERE,

WHAT THEN?

YOU ASKING FOR A
PREDICTION OR A PROMISE?

YOU WON'T CHANGE YOUR
WAYS FOR ANYONE, WILL YOU?

IF I COULD...

YOU'D BE ALL THE
REASON I'D EVER NEED.

WHAT NOW?

BOYS ARE GETTING A BIT RESTLESS.

ARE WE STAYING HERE ALL DAY?
ALL DAY TOMORROW, ALL NIGHT?

WE'LL STAY HERE
AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

SHE MUST BE SUFFERING
SOMETHING TERRIBLE.

DON'T HE CARE?

WHY SHOULD HE? IF YOU DON'T.

OH, I AIN'T BLAMING YOU.

I RECKON YOU SEEN BY
NOW THAT WOMAN AIN'T FITTIN'

TO BE THE WIFE OF
A... MAN LIKE YOU.

SHE'S A LADY!

OH, I ADMIT SHE'S...
SHE'S HURT ME DEEPLY.

BUT I FORGIVE HER.

IF I CAN JUST MAKE
HIM PAY FOR THIS.

WONDER WHAT THEY'RE SAYING
TO EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW.

YOU RECKON SHE'S KISSING HIM?

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

HERE'S B.G. COMING
UP THE HILL BY HIMSELF.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KILL HIM?

WHAT IF I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE?

WHAT IF I HAVE TO SHOOT
HIM OR LET YOU MARRY HIM?

ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DECIDE?

NO, IF I'M FORCED TO KILL A MAN,

I MAKE THE DECISION MYSELF.

B.G.!

YEAH?

TAKE ANOTHER STEP
AND I'LL STOP MISSING.

YOU WANT YOUR WOMAN BACK?

WHAT DO YOU THINK
I CAME UP HERE FOR?

YOU WILLING TO FIGHT ME FOR HER?

I WOULDN'T HAVE IT NO OTHER WAY.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT DOES SHE SAY ABOUT THAT?

SHE'LL GO WITH THE WINNER.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS.

HE'S WILLING TO
FIGHT FOR YOU ALONE.

TELL YOUR MEN
TO HOLD THEIR FIRE.

I'M COMING DOWN.

MEN.

PUT AWAY YOUR GUNS.

I'LL HANDLE THIS MYSELF.

NAME YOUR WEAPONS.

WHAT ABOUT SABERS?

THAT BE ALL RIGHT WITH YOU?

THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

WAIT HERE 'TIL ONE OF
US COMES BACK FOR YOU.

YOU THINK SHE'LL KEEP
HER END OF THE BARGAIN?

PETE...

GET ME THE SABER OFF HER HORSE.

[ANNA SCREAMING]

TAKE HER AND GET
OUT OF MY SIGHT.

MOUNT UP.

DIANA, WILL YOU DO ME ONE FAVOR?

BEFORE YOU ACCEPT
ANY MORE TUTORING JOBS,

NO MATTER HOW GENEROUS
THE FEE, CONSULT ME FIRST.

THAT SEEMS A FAIR REQUEST.

AND I ACCEPT ON ONE CONDITION.

THAT YOU MAKE
YOURSELF AVAILABLE,

FOR CONSULTATION.

♪ HAVE GUN, WILL TRAVEL
READS THE CARD OF A MAN ♪

♪ A KNIGHT WITHOUT
ARMOR IN A SAVAGE LAND ♪

♪ HIS FAST GUN FOR HIRE
HEEDS THE CALLING WIND ♪

♪ A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE
IS THE MAN CALLED ♪

♪ PALADIN ♪

♪ PALADIN, PALADIN
WHERE DO YOU ROAM? ♪