Have Gun - Will Travel (1957–1963): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Ballad of Oscar Wilde - full transcript

When the noted British humorist plans an appearance in San Francisco, Paladin must extricate Oscar Wilde from the unpleasant predicament of being held for ransom.

QUANTITY, MR. CARRINGTON,

IS NEVER A WORTHY
SUBSTITUTE FOR QUALITY.

WHETHER IT'S IN THE
CHOICE OF A BOOK,

A PLAY, A FRIEND OR A GUN.

THANK YOU.

YOU HAVE GOOD VACATION?

TOO GOOD, HEY BOY.
ALL PLAY AND NO WORK

MAKES PALADIN A POOR BOY.

WELL NOW, WHAT'S THIS?

MR. WILDE VERY FAMOUS?

HE'S A FAMOUS ENGLISHMAN,
CELEBRATED FOR HIS WISE



AND WITTY SAYINGS. EXCUSE ME.

LIKE WHAT?

HE ONCE SAID, "THERE ARE ONLY
TWO TRAGEDIES IN THIS WORLD.

"ONE IS NOT GETTING
WHAT ONE WANTS,

AND THE OTHER IS GETTING IT."

CONFUCIUS ALSO SAY THAT.

YOU HAVE TICKETS FOR
MR. WILDE'S LECTURE?

I'M AFRAID NOT. THANK YOU.

MAYBE I GET IT,
DOUBLE PRICE THOUGH.

THAT'S TEMPTING, HEY BOY.

BUT I THINK I'D BETTER
CONSIDER GETTING A JOB.

NOW THAT'S ALSO VERY TEMPTING.

"TRAIN BRIDGES WASHED
OUT. NOTED ENGLISH AUTHOR

TRANSFERS TO CHARTERED COACH."



SINCE BRIDGES ARE WASHED
OUT AFTER GOSPEL GULCH,

ACCORDING TO COLONEL
J. L. CARRINGTON,

PRESIDENT OF THE CIVIC
CULTURAL SOCIETY OF SAN DIEGO,

A SPECIAL COACH
HAS BEEN CHARTERED

TO BRING MR. OSCAR
WILDE TO THIS CITY.

THEY ARE TAKING EVERY PRECAUTION

TO SEE THAT HE
GETS HERE IN TIME.

HEY BOY.

MR. PALADIN.

BRING ME A PEN AND INK, PLEASE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

GOOD MORNING.

'MORNING.

MY NAME IS PALADIN. COL.
CARRINGTON SENT FOR ME.

YES, ABOUT THE MATTER
OF THE BODYGUARD.

PLEASE BE SEATED.
HE'LL BE FREE SOON.

THANK YOU.

SMOKE?

I ROLL MY OWN.

YOU, SIR?

NO, THANK YOU.

ARE YOU TWO GENTLEMEN

MEMBERS OF THE CIVIC
CULTURAL SOCIETY?

THE WHAT?

NO.

THEN YOU'RE HERE FOR
THE SAME REASON I AM.

DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU'RE HERE FOR.

OSCAR WILDE. OSCAR WHO?

THE ENGLISHMAN.

TELL THE FELLA WE'RE
HERE ON PERSONAL BUSINESS.

YEAH, PERSONAL
BUSINESS. SO I GATHER.

THANK YOU, MR. ROOK.

IF IT'S NOT IMPOSING ON YOU,

I'D LIKE YOU TO
WAIT A FEW MINUTES.

DON'T MIND AT ALL. MY FRIENDS
AND I WILL BE RIGHT HERE.

MR. PALADIN IS HERE, SIR.

COME IN. THANK YOU.

YOU ARE THE
MR. PALADIN WHO IS ARMED,

AND ENJOYS TRAVEL,
IS THAT RIGHT?

YES, SIR. CUP OF TEA?

NO, THANK YOU.

I'LL COME DIRECTLY TO THE POINT.

SIT DOWN. THANK YOU.

OSCAR WILDE IS AN
INTERNATIONAL FIGURE.

A GREAT CULTURAL INFLUENCE.

FOR THIS REASON, AND
BECAUSE WE HAVE A FORTUNE

INVESTED IN HIS FIRST
APPEARANCE IN CALIFORNIA,

WE CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE
ANYTHING HAPPEN TO HIM.

HE'S COMING THROUGH
SOME ROUGH COUNTRY.

IN ORDER TO PROTECT
THE CIVIC CULTURE

OF THIS GREAT STATE
AND BECAUSE AS YOU SAY,

YOU CAN'T AFFORD
TO TAKE ANY CHANCES,

I'M HERE TO
VOLUNTEER MY SERVICES

FOR A FEE OF $1,000.

THERE ARE THREE GUNS OUT THERE

I CAN HIRE FOR ONE
HALF YOUR PRICE.

OH?

COLONEL CARRINGTON...

IF YOU PLEASE, SIR.

GENTLEMEN, MAY I
PRESENT OSCAR WILDE?

GUARD HIM WELL.

AS YOU SEE, COLONEL
CARRINGTON...

QUANTITY IS NEVER A
WORTHY SUBSTITUTE

FOR QUALITY.

IF YOU'RE ONLY LOOKING
FOR THREE GUNS,

YOU CAN GET THREE FOR A LOT LESS

THAN THESE GENTLEMEN ARE ASKING.

YOU WANT SOMETHING
A LITTLE BETTER,

I OFFER TWO GUNS,

AND A THIRD WEAPON
EVEN MORE IMPORTANT.

WHERE I COME
FROM, MR. PALADIN...

THERE'S A WORD FOR A
CHEAP TRICK LIKE THAT.

SHOWBOATIN'.

I HAVE ANOTHER NAME FOR IT.

SALESMANSHIP.

COLONEL CARRINGTON,
I BELIEVE I'LL NEED

A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION
TO OSCAR WILDE.

I'LL DICTATE A LETTER
FOR MR. PALADIN.

THANK YOU FOR COMING, GENTLEMEN.

PERHAPS ANOTHER TIME.

MR. PALADIN. MR. PALADIN.

THERE WILL BE ANOTHER TIME.

MR. PALADIN.

I SUPPOSE I SHOULD
CONGRATULATE YOU.

THAT'S VERY GRACIOUS OF YOU.

BUT I WON'T.

BECAUSE I'M NOT LETTING
YOU STEAL THIS JOB.

SAW TWO MEN DUMP
SOMETHING OFF THE WHARF.

AND RIGHT AWAY, I GOT WORRIED.

AHHH! NASTY LUMP THERE.

DID THEY ROB YOU?

NOT COMPLETELY.

HERE, OLD MAN.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

MY DOGGONE HEAD.

FEELS LIKE IT HAD AN
ARGUMENT WITH A CROWBAR.

IS THIS THE STAGECOACH
THAT WAS CHARTERED

TO TAKE AN ENGLISHMAN
TO SAN DIEGO?

YEAH, YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

I CAN GUESS THE REST OF IT, TOO.

A MAN NAMED ROOK
SHOWED UP WITH CREDENTIALS

PROVING HE WAS YOUR ESCORT.

THAT WAS HIS NAME, THAT DIRTY...

WHERE'S YOUR PASSENGER NOW?

THEY KIDNAPPED HIM, I GUESS.

HOW?

TWO OF 'EM RODE OUT FROM
BEHIND THOSE BOULDERS

AND BLOCKED MY WAY.
I WENT FOR MY CARBINE,

AND THIS FELLA
ROOK CLOBBERED ME.

THAT'S ALL I CAN REMEMBER.

YOU'D BE WILLING TO HELP
ME FIND THE MEN WHO DID THIS?

I AIN'T LOOKING
FOR MORE TROUBLE.

TEN GOLD PIECES
CHANGE YOUR MIND?

MAYBE.

EXACTLY WHAT DO I DO FOR IT?

I WANT YOU TO STAND WATCH
WITH ME ALONG THIS ROAD.

YOU EXPECT TO SEE
'EM AGAIN? I THINK SO.

WHEN YOU KIDNAP SOMEONE,
THERE'S NO PROFIT IN IT

UNLESS YOU LET SOMEONE
ELSE KNOW WITH A RANSOM NOTE.

WAKE UP. HEY, COME ON.

WE'VE GOT COMPANY.

THIS IS THE FIFTH ONE.

YOU GONNA STOP EVERY
RIDER THAT COMES ALONG?

THIS ONE'S IN A BIG HURRY.

[PALADIN:] HEY, MISTER!

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.

IF I WANTED MONEY,
I'D HAVE SHOT YOU.

THEN WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHERE WERE YOU GOING?

SAN DIEGO. WHY?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
YOU CARRYING A LETTER?

NOW, LOOK...

GIVE IT TO ME!

YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURSELF
IN TROUBLE AND ME IN WORSE.

I'VE GOT A JOB TO DO.

SO HAVE I.

YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE UNLESS
YOU DON'T GIVE ME THE LETTER.

GIVE IT TO ME, OR I'LL TAKE IT.

"J.L. CARRINGTON,
CIVIC CULTURAL SOCIETY,

SAN DIEGO, CA."
WHERE'D YOU GET THIS?

A MAN GAVE IT TO
ME A HALF HOUR AGO.

ASKED IF I WANTED
$50. I SAID SURE.

HE HAD A LETTER THAT HAD TO
BE IN SAN DIEGO IN THE MORNING.

PAID ME HALF THEN,

AND HALF WHEN I COME
BACK WITH THE ANSWER.

RECOGNIZE HIM?

YEAH, NAME'S CARPENTER.
HANGS AROUND THE SALOON.

WHERE WERE YOU SUPPOSED
TO DELIVER THE ANSWER?

SAID I SHOULD WAIT IN THE
SALOON WHEN I GET BACK.

WHAT'S GOING ON
HERE? A KIDNAPPING.

YOU WERE CARRYING
THE RANSOM NOTE.

"DEAR COLONEL CARRINGTON,
SINCE MR. PALADIN

WAS UNABLE TO UNDERTAKE
THE PROTECTION OF OSCAR WILDE,

I ASSUME YOU'LL BE
PLEASED TO KNOW

I HAVE TAKEN OVER THE TASK.

I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU
OR AN ASSOCIATE BE ON HAND

AT A CLEARING A MILE
NORTH OF THE CITY

CALLED DEVIL'S ROCK
AT NOON, ON JUNE 7.

BRING $50,000 AND
I'LL BRING MR. WILDE.

SHOULD YOU BE SO RASH
AS TO INFORM THE SHERIFF,

I'LL BE FORCED TO TURN
MR. WILDE OVER TO YOU

IN PARTS, ONE PIECE AT A TIME."

SIGNED, "JIM ROOK."

MY COMPETITION
SOUNDS VERY LITERATE.

SOUNDS LIKE HE MEANS BUSINESS.

WHAT'LL HAPPEN TO ME IF
I DON'T BRING AN ANSWER?

YOU'LL HAVE AN ANSWER.

NOW, HOW DOES THIS SOUND?

"DEAR MR. ROOK,
YOU HAVE COMMITTED

"A DASTARDLY AND TRAITOROUS ACT,

"BUT I'M FORCED TO COMPLY.

"I'M SENDING AN ASSOCIATE
TO GOSPEL GULCH WITH $50,000.

"HE'LL BE AT THE APPOINTED
PLACE AT THE APPOINTED TIME.

"SEE THAT MR. OSCAR WILDE
IS THERE, SAFE AND SOUND.

"SINCERELY, J.L. CARRINGTON."

BUT THERE AIN'T NO
SOCIETY ASSOCIATE.

THERE WASN'T A MOMENT
AGO, BUT THERE IS NOW.

WHERE ARE YOU
GOING TO GET $50,000?

SAME PLACE I GOT THE
SOCIETY ASSOCIATE.

HERE'S THE REPLY YOU JUST
BROUGHT FROM SAN DIEGO.

TAKE IT TO THE SALOON AND
WAIT UNTIL THEY PICK IT UP.

SHOULD YOU GET THE NOTION
TO TELL YOUR EMPLOYERS

WHO REALLY WROTE THAT LETTER,

REMEMBER YOU'RE A
PARTY TO THIS KIDNAPPING,

AND SHOULD I SO INFORM
THE PEOPLE OF THIS TOWN,

THEY'LL PROBABLY
GIVE YOU A SHORT TRIAL

AT THE END OF A
ROPE. UNDERSTAND?

AS FOR YOU, I SUGGEST YOU
STAND BY YOUR STAGECOACH.

I EXPECT TO HAVE A MOST
LITERARY PASSENGER

FOR YOU MOMENTARILY.

ARE YOU FROM COLONEL CARRINGTON?

PALADIN?

YOU SEEM SURPRISED TO SEE ME.

THE LAST TIME YOU SAW ME

YOU WERE DROPPING
ME IN SAN DIEGO BAY.

CARRINGTON SEND YOU?

I'M STILL IN HIS EMPLOY.

TURN AROUND.

GET YOUR ARMS UP. HIGHER!

I REPRESENT THE CIVIC
CULTURAL SOCIETY,

NOT A FIREARMS MANUFACTURER.

YOU CAN DROP THEM. TURN AROUND.

WHERE'S THE MONEY?

WHERE'S OSCAR WILDE?

WE'RE KEEPING HIM
UNTIL WE SEE THE MONEY.

I'M KEEPING THE MONEY
UNTIL I SEE OSCAR WILDE.

HE'S ALL RIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO BE SURE.

WELL...

I'LL TAKE YOU TO HIM.

I'LL HAVE TO BLINDFOLD
YOU. TURN AROUND.

COME ON, GET DOWN.

IN THERE.

GO ON.

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

WELL, YOUR CONCERN
IS MOST TOUCHING.

I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN
FORMALLY INTRODUCED,

EXCEPT TO YOUR GUN BUTT.

THIS IS CHRIS ROOK,
JIM'S BROTHER.

I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

I'VE GOT BUSINESS
WITH YOUR BROTHER.

I HAD TO BRING HIM HERE.
HE HID THE MONEY OUT,

AND HE WOULDN'T GET IT
UNTIL HE SEES THE ENGLISHMAN.

HE WAS BLINDFOLDED,
HE DIDN'T SEE NOTHING.

WELL...

YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO WAIT AWHILE.

JIM'S GONE OUT
ON A LITTLE ERRAND.

WHERE'S THE MONEY?

IT'S IN A SAFE PLACE.

COLONEL CARRINGTON INSISTED
I TALK TO OSCAR WILDE ALONE,

TO MAKE CERTAIN HE HASN'T
BEEN HARMED BEFORE PAYING UP.

I COULDN'T FIGURE... SHUT UP!

ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO LET YOU
TALK TO THE ENGLISHMAN,

BUT YOU AIN'T GONNA
LEAVE UNTIL JIM GETS BACK.

I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT.

JUST DON'T TRY NOTHING FANCY.

ARE YOU FROM COLONEL CARRINGTON?

I AM. MY NAME IS PALADIN.

HOW DO YOU DO? HAVE
YOU PAID THE RANSOM?

IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.

I WANTED TO BE SURE
YOU HADN'T BEEN HARMED.

I'M TOO VALUABLE A PIECE
OF MERCHANDISE FOR THAT.

DAMAGED GOODS MUST BE
SOLD AT A DISCOUNT, YOU KNOW?

THE GALL OF THAT MAN ROOK.

DO YOU KNOW HE WANTED
TO ASK ONLY $10,000 FOR ME?

AND IN DOLLARS, NOT
EVEN POUND STERLING.

IMAGINE THE INSULT
IF THAT GOT OUT.

A MEASLY $10,000
FOR OSCAR WILDE.

SURELY, I INSISTED IT
BE RAISED TO $50,000.

WHAT IDIOCY ARE
YOU UP TO, PALADIN?

PAY THE RANSOM, AND
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S NOT QUITE THAT SIMPLE.

I WAS CHECKING
FOR A LOOSE BOARD.

I SAID I'D RANSOM YOU IN
A MANNER OF SPEAKING.

FRANKLY, I DO NOT HAVE $50,000.

HOWEVER, I WOULDN'T
MENTION IT TO MY CAPTORS

IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE.

OH, YOU MEAN THEY'D MURDER ME?

I'M SURE OF IT.

MURDER'S SUCH A MESSY BUSINESS.

ONE SHOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING

WHICH HE CANNOT
DISCUSS AFTER DINNER.

I HOPE THIS AFFAIR

HASN'T PREJUDICED YOU
AGAINST AMERICA, MR. WILDE.

AMERICA... DO YOU
KNOW I'M QUITE SURE

IT WAS DISCOVERED
BEFORE COLUMBUS?

BUT THEY KEPT IT HUSHED UP.

I'VE ALWAYS PREFERRED
OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS

BECAUSE MY OWN BORE ME.

SUDDENLY HOWEVER, I
FIND THAT MINE HAVE...

SNUFF? NO, THANK YOU.

A MOST VITAL IMPORTANCE.

RIGHT NOW, MY AFFAIR IS
TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

THIS HAS BEEN A
MOST EXCITING DRAMA.

AN ENGLISHMAN VISITS
AMERICA'S WILD FRONTIER.

THE CASTING OF OSCAR
WILDE IN THE LEADING ROLE,

IS A STROKE OF GENIUS
ON THE PART OF MR. ROOK.

HOWEVER, I HOPE YOU'LL
REWRITE THE THIRD ACT

TO MY SATISFACTION, MR. PALADIN.

I DO HAVE AN IDEA.

I SUGGEST ITS IMMEDIATE
ADOPTION AND IMPLEMENTATION.

YOU CAN BE A GREAT HELP
BY KEEPING TRACK OF ALL

THE SUPPORTING
ACTORS AT ALL TIMES.

THAT WILL BE SIMPLE.

MR. PALADIN...

I JUST LEARNED OF
YOUR RESURRECTION.

I KNEW YOU'D BE DELIGHTED.

CHRIS SAID THEY SENT THE MONEY.

YOU CAN SEE HE'S IN ONE
PIECE. WHERE'S THE MONEY?

IN MY HOTEL ROOM. GO GET IT.

I WAS BROUGHT HERE BLINDFOLDED.

HOW DO I GET THE
MONEY BACK TO YOU?

MATSON'LL GO WITH YOU. MATSON?

HE'S NOT AN INTERESTING
CONVERSATIONALIST.

AND ONLY ONE ESCORT?
MR. ROOK, I'M AFRAID

I HAVEN'T MADE MUCH
OF AN IMPRESSION ON YOU.

OH, WELL.

JUST A MINUTE.

ON SECOND THOUGHT,
MR. PALADIN...

A MAN OF YOUR SALES ABILITY
MIGHT REQUIRE MORE ATTENTION

THAN ONE MAN CAN GIVE.

CHRIS CAN RIDE WITH YOU, TOO.

I'D BE DELIGHTED.

MR. WILDE...

I ONCE READ SOMETHING OF YOURS.

YOU SHOULD THINK
ON IT WHILE I'M GONE.

IT WENT, "THE WORLD IS
DIVIDED INTO TWO CLASSES.

THOSE WHO BELIEVE
THE INCREDIBLE,

AND THOSE WHO
DO THE IMPROBABLE."

I'M AFRAID MR. ROOK
HAS FORCED ME

INTO MY PROPER
CATEGORY AFTER ALL.

"AND THOSE WHO
DO THE IMPROBABLE."

ALL RIGHT, LET'S HAVE THE MONEY.

I'LL GET IT FOR YOU. EXCUSE ME.

I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU TWO GENTLEMEN

HAVE EVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

HERE'S YOUR RANSOM.

ONE... TWO...

THREE.

NOW TOSS THE GUNS OVER HERE.

THANK YOU.

AND I'D LIKE A SAMPLE
OF YOUR HANDWRITING.

I DON'T WRITE.

OH?

YOU'D BE BETTER ANYWAY.

I CAN'T WRITE
NEITHER. [COCKING GUN]

DON'T FORCE ME TO WAKE THE
REST OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS HOTEL.

SIT DOWN.

WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED WRITING,

WE'LL HAVE YOUR
ILLITERATE FRIEND HERE

DELIVER THE LETTER
TO YOUR BROTHER JIM.

TAKE THIS DOWN. "DEAR MR. ROOK,

ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE
PROBABLY NOT READ...

THE OLD TESTAMENT,

I THINK IT APPROPRIATE...

A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E.

APPROPRIATE TO QUOTE IT TONIGHT.

"ONE MUST FIGHT

FIRE WITH FIRE.

"EXTRACT AN EYE FOR AN EYE.

A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH."

MR. WILDE, MR. ROOK.
GOOD MORNING.

THE FACT THAT IT IS
MORNING IS INDISPUTABLE.

AS TO WHETHER
IT'S GOOD OR NOT...

YOU TWO THINK
YOU'RE PRETTY CLEVER.

MR. ROOK...

BE GOOD ENOUGH TO ASK MR. WILDE

TO STEP OVER HERE.

AND I'LL BE VERY HAPPY
TO PAY HIS RANSOM.

ALL RIGHT, MR. WILDE.

SON, IF YOU'D JUST
KICK THAT HORSE...

A PERFECT THIRD ACT, PALADIN.

THANK YOU, MR. WILDE.

WHERE IS THE OTHER
SUPPORTING ACTOR,

THE ONE WHO CAME
BACK WITH THE LETTER?

SOMEWHERE IN THE
ROCKS, BEHIND YOU.

THANK YOU.

PLEASE.

MR. ROOK, WE HAVE SOME
UNFINISHED BUSINESS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU'RE A MENACE TO
SOCIETY AND TO MY LIVELIHOOD.

YOU'RE NO BUSINESS
MAN, MR. PALADIN.

YOU'RE A LUNATIC.

WE'RE GOING BACK
TO TOWN TOGETHER.

NOW, MR. ROOK...

I WILL SERVE AS
YOUR BODYGUARD...

TO THE MARSHAL.

AND I THINK THAT WILL CONCLUDE

OUR LITERARY
COMPETITION FOR TODAY.

WELL, MR. PALADIN...

IT LOOKS AS THOUGH OUR
ENEMIES ARE FINALLY VANQUISHED.

FINALLY AND FOR GOOD, MR. WILDE.

WE CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL IN
THE CHOICE OF OUR ENEMIES.

YOU KNOW... THAT
SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING

I MIGHT HAVE SAID MYSELF.

YOU WILL, MR. WILDE.

MR. PALADIN...

I LOOK EVERYWHERE FOR YOU.
COMPLIMENTS OF MR. WILDE.

FRONT ROW TO THE
LECTURE, TONIGHT.

THEY'RE ALL YOURS, HEY BOY.

I'VE SEEN ALL I EVER
WANT TO SEE OF HIM.

TONIGHT I'M GOING TO
TAKE SOME OF HIS ADVICE.

MR. OSCAR WILDE GIVE YOU ADVICE?

HE ONCE REMARKED,
"THE ONLY WAY TO GET RID

OF A TEMPTATION
IS TO YIELD TO IT."

AND TONIGHT I'M YIELDING.

OH, BOY.

♪ HAVE GUN, WILL TRAVEL
READS THE CARD OF A MAN ♪

♪ A KNIGHT WITHOUT
ARMOR IN A SAVAGE LAND ♪

♪ HIS FAST GUN FOR HIRE
HEEDS THE CALLING WIND ♪

♪ A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE IS
THE MAN CALLED PALADIN ♪

♪ PALADIN, PALADIN
WHERE DO YOU ROAM ♪