Have Gun - Will Travel (1957–1963): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Great Mojave Chase - full transcript

I've seen you lie, cheat,
steal and try murder.

You've tried
everything but begging.

Now get down on
your knees and beg.

Camels. Bah.

I suppose you think it's funny.

No, John, I think

the desert camel
corps was a good idea.

Well, maybe you never
had to ride a camel.

Yes, I did, as a matter
of fact, years ago.

It was a good idea and
it should have worked.

Trouble with you cavalry people



is that you tried to
use camels like horses.

Camel is a sand animal.

You should have
kept it on the desert.

Well, thank Christopher
it's all over with.

I sold the last one for
him in Elkhorn, Nevada.

And I need something to
get my mind off of camels

and this isn't doing it.

I'm beginning to see pink ones.

"For the third year, Mojave
business man Billy Joe Kane

"will bet that no rider can
elude the town's posse

"for 48 hours.

"The game is open to any rider
who will cover Mr. Kane's bet.

"By surrounding the
desert water hole,

"the posse has captured
every contestant so far



in less than 30 hours."

Are you listening?

I said I'm going to
bathe in eau de cologne,

Get rid of the smell.

Then I'm going to
find some excitement.

You said you sold the last
one in Elkhorn, Nevada?

Mm-hmm. To a prospector.

( laughing)

Now, what kind of a fool
would want to buy a camel?

( laughing)

( laughing): Well,
John, you never can tell.

Sometimes your best friend.

Huh?

I must have been crazy
bidding on that thing.

Well, if you're crazy enough

to turn me a profit,

I'll throw in that
seat for nothing.

That's a genuine Army copy

of one of them Araby saddles.

Also for free, I'm advising
you... you're crazy.

Billy Joe Kane didn't invent
this chase to lose money.

One canteen of
water you're allowed.

That ain't enough for yourself

much less your animal.

Ezekiel here carries
his own water.

A fat lot of good
that will do you.

Well, you're going to be
out on the Mojave, Mister,

where the sun is so bright,

you can see it with
your eyes shut...

so dry your tongue swells up,

and so hot it boils
water out of your body.

Well, every desert
has water holes.

Yeah, and Kane's posse
knows where they are.

You think they're going
to let you near the water?

With those big flat feet of his,

Ezekiel can outrun any
horse that ever lived.

I don't know, Mister.

You might want your money back.

Why?

First thing, you need a ladder

to get up into that saddle.

If you manage that,

you can whip him and
spur him and cuss him out.

You got a nice
view from up there,

but you ain't goin' noplace.

You don't mind if I try?

Yup.

Kush, kush.

All the way down. Kush, kush.

Kush. All the way down.

Kush, kush.

( camel braying) Quit that.

Good bye, old timer.

Good bye. Good luck.

( braying)

There. Now stay put.

( whinnying)

( braying) Kush, kush.

Kush, kush, kush, kush...

( braying)

( whinnying)

Kush... kush...

Say, Mister,

one of them horses that you
just run off belongs to Mr. Kane.

Well, I imagine this will
take care of rounding him up.

You might tell Mr. Kane
he's got a customer.

Oh. You going to ride
that thing in chase?

Mm-hmm.

( chuckles)

Well, all I can say is,
welcome to Mojave.

Thank you.

( muttering): What
do you want...?

Oh, yeah. Say, Mister

as long as you're
paying for damages...

You're welcome.

Oh, well, he don't
talk very much.

Uh, he don't have to.

He's a, he's an animal doctor.

I-I help him.

Yeah, but you know,

I-I-I never did see
one of these um, these,

uh... uh, one of them
contraptions before.

( chuckles)

Huh! Kind of...

Kind of got the...
got the head...

the long head of
a moose, ain't he?

Silly expression on his
face just like a jackass.

Bent legs like a goat.

Say, Mister. There's
just one question

I'd like to ask you.

Is he vicious?

No, he won't bite you.

Just one question.

How does a man breed
all of them together?

Well, it's not easy.

They really have to be in love.

Ah.

In various countries

I've been served sheep eyes,
roast dog and stewed lizard.

Compared to this,
they were a bargain.

Well, it ain't the food
that costs here, Mister.

It's the water.

Water I cooked
in, water you drank.

Water I got to wash up in.

All for a dollar a gallon.

The Mojave pays high for
the privilege of staying alive.

I can't afford to say
nothing against Mr. Kane.

Billy Joe Kane?

You afraid of him?

He won't shoot me, if
that's what you mean.

What happens if he
won't sell me water?

There's a town in New Mexico

that had a similar problem.

Businessmen read
that card carefully.

They didn't talk too much.

Then they came to see me.

I solved their problem.

Think about it.

Yes, sir. We got a
wire from your bank

establishing credit.

Step inside, sir.

At your service.

Thank you.

We've been expecting
you for several days.

Now, then, just what kind of an
investment do you have in mind?

The Mojave Chase.

Sir?

I'm the man with the camel.

Uh, as your
temporary banker, sir,

I don't recommend that
as a sound investment.

Are you suggesting

that the great Mojave
Chase is run dishonestly?

I am not, sir.

Mr. Kane is a
reputable businessman.

Mr. Elkins, I'm curious.

How does a man get hold
of a town's water supply?

Billy Joe Kane ran
across an old land sale law

that folks had forgotten.

First thing we knew,
he owned all our water.

Well, it's probably legal.

Mr. Elkins, is a
dollar a gallon moral?

And this chase, I suppose
he finds that as profitable.

It's folks like you
that make it profitable.

He knows you're a city man, sir.

He knows your beast

was found unsatisfactory
by the Army.

No offense meant, sir,

but, uh, you've been
talking too much.

Well, there's one other
possibility, Mr. Elkins.

Maybe Mr. Kane has
been listening too much.

May I have a draft, please?

Yes, sir.

I'll need $5,000 in cash.

( braying)

Say, if you had a few of
these things around, Mr. Kane,

you'd sell plenty of water.

Well, not that you're
not doing all right as it is.

Why, that thing smells
just as ugly as it looks.

Part jackass, part mule...

You're the jackass, old friend.

That's a camel.

Camel?

Oh, yeah. Now, let me
see, how did that go?

Three wise men appeared on
camels traveling to Bethlehem.

Well, I'll be spit on.

It makes me feel
holy just watering it.

How much does it take?

Oh, one, two, about
four gallons I guess.

Say, I better go
warn that fella.

An animal that
needs that much water

ain't fit to ride
out in the desert.

You keep your ugly face shut.

Stever. Pay him.

I can shut him up a lot easier.

That fist of yours will look
bigger with money in it.

You, old friend, you
spread the word for me,

I'll pay for information
about him or his animal.

Stay right here,
son. I'll be right back.

I talked to some
folks about your offer.

They like the deal but
they don't want no killing.

Neither do I.

How much?

$1,000 on delivery
of the water rights

to the open market.

You got a deal.

Mr. Paladin, Kane is my name.

My friends call me Billy Joe.

You took your time
looking me up, Mr. Kane.

You're from San
Francisco, I understand.

Now there's a lovely city.

Full of up-to-date
buildings and pretty women.

Did you come here to pass
the time of day or talk business?

Well, fine.

Direct and to the point.

You're the kind of man I like.

I can't say the same.

Stever.

All right, Mister.

If you came here to
make a bet, make it.

$5,000 and it's counted.

Well, looks like we got
off on the wrong foot.

No need for two sportsmen
to have an argument.

I'll just cover your bet.

What odds?

Odds, Mr. Paladin?

Well, after all...

I'll give you two to one.

Five to one or no bet.

I'd have to put up $25,000.

That's not good
business, Mister.

Elkins.

Four-to-one.

That's my best offer.

Elkins, I won't be
needing this money.

( men shouting)

MAN: Well, I wouldn't
ask you in here

if I didn't think...

Hey, doggone it, you
can't be that drunk.

You only had a quart of whiskey.

Say, Mr. Kane.

Mr. Kane, are you
still buying information?

KANE: Shut up.

Well, you better
read this book here

if I can...( grunts)

Maybe it's just
as well, Mr. Kane.

You've been buying
land pretty heavy.

Keep your advice
to yourself, Elkins.

I can't. The point is,

you haven't got $25,000 in cash.

Well, sounds like I've
been wasting my time

and my money
on a lot of big talk.

Say, Mr. Kane, you
better read this book.

Shut up. Riley, get
these two out of here.

Oh, no, this book...

Come on, outside.

Your a strange mixture, Kane.

So far you've gotten what
you want without violence,

without really breaking the law.

But you're being pushed now,

and I wonder what
that'll do to you.

When I want moralizing,
Mister, I'll hire me a preacher.

No, you won't.

There's no
immediate profit in it.

Elkins, just close my account.

Get me the money, Elkins.

I told you, Billy Joe,

you got maybe $10,000
in cash, that's all.

I got ten times that
in land, haven't I?

I'll give you collateral
for the other $15,000.

I'll sign over acreage.

Acreage, Mr. Kane?

I might accept a deed
to your water rights.

I can't advise that.

Ante, Mister, or leave the game.

Get the deed to the water.

And the $10,000.

And the cash.

Take Billy Joe Kane's
hand now, Mister.

You've got a firm deal.

I hope so.

"The transfer of water
rights is described below

"after fulfillment of
certain conditions,

id es... that is, a
wager by the party of..."

Got a pencil?

If pencil's agreeable to you...

Hold it, Mr. Kane.

I say, you give
me that book now.

You better take a
look at this book.

That old coot had
something after all.

Hey, now, Mr. Kane,

you said that you'd
pay for information.

That book is my
property. Now, listen...

( grunts)

Go on home, old timer.

Mr. Elkins, would you read this?

"The camel: oldest
domesticated animal.

"Water stored
chiefly in the hump,

enabling it to travel up to
three days without water."

No wonder it drank five gallons.

"Camels have been
known to travel 150 miles

in less than 11 hours."

Well, that's incredible.

Kane, I'm still
waiting for you to sign

like you say we've
got a firm deal.

Firm deal? Since when is
betting with a crook a firm deal?

Well, the law says that any
man who misrepresents himself

or his gaming equipment
for purposes of a bet

is guilty of a crime.

Now, that's a law I
happen to agree with.

Suppose you tell us who
misrepresented anything?

Suppose you tell us,

Mister... who was it

said the Army found
camels no good?

Who was parading how
much water his animal needed?

Who acted the
dude out of Frisco?

I merely presented
certain facts.

You drew the conclusions.

You draw a conclusion from this.

Billy Joe. My water
rights are at stake, Elkins.

It's legal to protect yourself
from a confidence man.

Now, I'm sayin'
he forfeited that bet

and he forfeited the money.

Now, Mr. Paladin, we'll
just see you out of this town.

I'll walk!

( shouts)

The Great Mojave
Chase, Mr. Kane...

It's on with one improvement.

I'm holding the stakes!

Give me a gun! Give me that!

Billy Joe, have you gone crazy?!

He's a liar, and he's a cheat!

You're the one
that's lying to yourself.

Get after him! He's only got
but one bullet in that Deringer.

He dropped the gun.

Hey, Mr. Paladin...
you forgot your water!

Water!

Hyah! Hyah!

Oh, shucks.

Poor fella forgot his water.

He won't last
long without water.

Well, that's life.

In his case, death.

Hyah! Hyah!

Come on. Come on.

( sighs)

( brays softly)

If I had some friend, that
looks like water. Come on.

Kush. Kush. Kush. ( squealing)

( panting)

( gunshot)

( gunshots)

Ooh.

Was crawlin'. Got back up again.

He won't last
long without water.

I give him 'bout an hour more.

( grunts softly)

Hey, Billy Joe! Hey,
wake up. The horses.

Oh!

( shouting)

( chuckles)

( from a distance):
Come on. Come on.

Come on, just over... next rise.

That's far enough, gentlemen.

All right, Paladin,
let's have the water.

My men need it bad.

We stacked our weapons.

Duncan says you're an
honest man, Billy Joe Kane.

Are you? So far,
I've seen you lie,

cheat, steal, and try murder.

You tried everything
but begging.

Now get down on
your knees, Billy Joe.

You don't know what
water means out here.

You gave me a
rough idea yesterday.

Now that I've been
walking for hours...

I could say I'm wrong.

I could say I'm sorry.

You wouldn't believe me.

Are you down on
your knees, Billy Joe?

Are you beggin'?!

I'm not begging!

I'm saying I lost the race.

I'm saying I forfeit the chase.

I'll sign the paper.

That means you're finished.

I worked land when
I first came here.

I'll work land again.

I'm coming up
to sign that paper.

You shoot, Paladin.

You shoot if you want to.

Guess you'll be wanting
your own gun back.

I'll get the deed.

( shouts)

Better hang onto that one, too.

Thanks.

Thank you.

An empty gun can tell
a man a lot of things.

Suppose you load this, keep it?

Here's the deed.

Do you mind delivering
that to Elkins at the bank?

Tell him the town
owns the water rights.

Our wager will more
than cover my fee.

And the town owns
the water, huh?

Maybe that's the way it
should've been done long ago.

My hand, Billy Joe Kane.

On the end of the
Great Mojave Chase,

you're a poor winner, but
you're an excellent loser.

I'll ride Ezekiel
back into town,

send horses out for you.

And I think the townspeople
might like a living monument

to the day they got
back their water rights.

Ezekiel... I'm giving you
to the town of Mojave.

( squeals)

Well, I'm terribly sorry
about it, old friend,

but my hotel has very
strict rules about pets.

Now, what can I do about that?