Have Gun - Will Travel (1957–1963): Season 1, Episode 20 - The Last Laugh - full transcript

During Paladin's stagecoach layover in a small Western town, a burr under a saddle causes a horse to buck off its new rider, a rancher's wife, injuring her severely. The attractive young woman had just gotten off the stagecoach with Paladin, so the real culprit takes advantage of her husband's jealousy to pin the blame on the stranger in black. Paladin flees, so the locals form a vigilante posse.

You've had your big moment.

You've been judge,
jury and executioner.

Now it's time for you to
take a look at the truth.

♪ ♪

MAN: Yah!

( whip cracks)

Yah!

You hurt my horse,
and I'll kill you!

( men laughing)

Hey, Judd, know what's
good for a tired horse?

Put a burr under its saddle.



Nothing like a burr

for spooking up
a half-dead horse.

Here, Mickey, show it to him.

Now, wait a minute, Ed,
you know how he gets.

Oh, let's have
some fun with him.

Come on, show him the burr.

Come here, Judd... Mickey's
got something for you.

Thank you.

Welcome home, honey!

Yeah!

Oh, well, I guess I should
visit my mother more often.

Don't you try it.

How is she? Oh, she's tedious.

She still can't understand



how her Eastern
daughter can stay married

to a Western rancher.

She'll never be able to
figure that one out, will she?

Hey.

What do you think
you're doing, mister?

Well, I was just trying to
organize this, uh, personal...

Yeah, well, this is
my wife's petticoat.

I recognized it.

It's Belgian lace
and very pretty.

I don't like your
sense of humor, mister.

Oh, Bill, please don't
lose your temper.

Judd, I was only
fooling, honest!

Judd, put me down!

( men laughing)

Put him down! Put him down!

I'm sorry, Mr. Borden,

but they was
making fun of Jenny.

It was Ed's idea, not mine.

You never know when
to quit, do you, Ed?

Someday, you're going to start
more trouble than you can handle.

Judd, go on back to the ranch.

These saddle bums
aren't worth your time.

Well, your husband
handled that very well.

He's the only one around
here who can control Judd.

I'm sorry, Ed, I-I
guess I just got scared.

Go on, beat it.

But... Go on!

Hey, Judd! Come here.

I want to talk to you.

Thank you.

Welcome.

( both laughing)

What the devil are
you laughing at?

Well, it is sort of
ridiculous, isn't it?

Did you hear 'em,
Judd, laughing at you?

Me? Who's laughing at me?

Gil Borden's laughing
at you. Look at them.

Him and his wife
and that other man.

They're laughing at you.

I'll be glad to help.

We'll manage without your help.

Don't take him so
seriously, honey.

You know, my husband isn't
always as hot-headed as this...

Just during his waking hours.

Come on, Nora, help
me pick this stuff up.

Bye.

Bye. Thanks.

Mr. Borden's my boss.

Now, don't you say
nothing against him.

He was once my boss, too.

Well, he fired you, 'cause
you're always starting trouble.

He fired me 'cause I wouldn't
let him push me around,

wouldn't let him laugh at
me and make me look bad

in front of the whole world.

You like being laughed at?

Well, I don't want to get fired.

Don't it get you sore, being
laughed at all the time?

Gil Borden, his wife, that
fancy-looking stranger...

Everybody makes fun of Big Judd.

Mr. Borden wouldn't
make fun of me.

Now, you stop that.

Even Mickey makes fun
of you, and you let him.

Not when he's going
to hurt my horse, I don't.

Look, why not give Mickey
a little of his own medicine?

What?

A burr. Here.

Slip it under Mickey's saddle.

Let him get laughed
at for a change.

That ain't Mickey's
horse, is it?

Sure it is. Take a look.

What's wrong, you
scared of Mickey, too?

Big Judd Calhoun scared of
a little tiny fellow like Mickey?

I ain't scared of
nobody, I told you.

Except little Mickey.

No, I ain't. I ain't scared
of nobody, you hear?

Show me.

Come on.

You know, Gil,
that-that stranger

was just trying to help us.

You know, I thought
he was rather charming.

Maybe that's why
I didn't like him.

Is this a new horse? Yup.

Let me ride him back.

I just got him from Lou
Spence. You wait for Hank.

He's bringing the surrey
from the livery stable.

The surrey? Look, I have
my new riding skirt to break in,

and besides, I've been acting like
a lady at my mother's for two weeks.

Are you going to make
me act like a lady, too?

Oh, all right, I'll
ride the surrey.

Oh...

I'll meet you at the livery
stable and follow you home.

Can I help? Oh, thank you.

Aren't you going
to miss the stage?

No, it's an hour layover.

That's Mr. Borden's horse, Ed.

Why'd you want to tell
me it was Mickey's horse?

Do you want him to know that
you put that burr under the saddle?

No... but Mrs. Borden's
going to get hurt.

You'll get all the blame
if you don't shut up.

Now, there, all set.

Thank you, and please
forgive my husband's temper.

Sometimes I think he'd
rather fight than eat.

Well, it's, uh, good for the
waistline and hard on the knuckles.

I hope we'll meet
again sometime.

Good-bye.

( whinneying)

( neighing)

PALADIN: All right! Halt!

Ho!

( gasping)

( neighing)

All right, whoa!

( shouts)

( crying)

( shouting)

Ed, what'll we do?

Don't say nothing,
understand? Nothing!

Well, what should I do, Ed?

T-Tell me what to do.

Sh-Should I run away?

I told you stay here.

The minute you run,
they'll know you did it.

Well, you told me to do it, Ed.

You think they'll believe that?

Look at 'em.

They'll track you down,

have you swinging
on the end of a rope.

Ed, the stranger...
He knows something.

I-I seen him lookin' at the
horse, and then he looked at us.

You stay here. I'll handle it.

That horse is dangerous, mister.

He's all right now.

You saw what he
did to Mrs. Borden.

Yes, I did.

Now, what causes a gentle
horse to turn wild all of a sudden?

Do you have any ideas?

( door opens)

Well, both her legs
are broken badly.

I don't understand it.
That horse is no killer.

I rode him around all
week before I bought him.

I wouldn't put Nora on a
horse she couldn't handle.

How did it happen?

Did anyone see?

Wasn't anyone there?

Perhaps this'll explain it.

I found it under the saddle.

A burr.

You mean someone played a joke?

A lousy, stinking joke?

All right, now, I know
someone here knows who did it.

Now, who was it?!

Now, tell me, who was it?

Just give me five
minutes with him.

I'll stake every cent
I got as a reward.

Now, who was it?!

Perhaps I can be some help.

Do you know who
crippled my wife?

I'll find out.

All right, you find out.

You're hired.

Wait a minute, Mr. Borden.

Judd and me were right here.

We saw the whole thing.
What are you talking about?

We know who put that
burr under the saddle.

All right, who was it?

Him.

Borden, use your head.

What reason would I
have to hurt your wife?

Look at him. He's a fast gun.

He likes hurting people.

You don't believe that, do you?

I don't disbelieve it.

He was right there at the horse,

fussing with the
saddle, fixing the cinch.

Ask anybody. That's right.

I saw him from
inside the saloon.

He was fooling
around with that cinch.

Better be the truth, Ed.

Think anybody's crazy
enough to lie to you?

Ask Judd. He was
there. Hey, Judd.

He-he did it.

I-I seen him,
Mr. Borden, honest.

Yeah, he even
went to the trouble

of dusting off the saddle.

How many times

have you seen anybody do that?

Yeah. How come he was the
only one who knew about that burr?

He was covering
himself, that's all.

I don't like to do
this to you people,

but I don't have any
choice. Now, go on home.

All of you, go on.

You know what Nora
means to me, Paladin?

I think so. No, you don't.

Nora doesn't even know,
but you're going to find out,

'cause I'm going
to hunt you down.

I'm going to get you,

and I'm going to return every
bit of pain you've given her.

Looks like I'll have to find
that man who hurt your wife

for your sake as
well as for my own.

Now, you two, toss those guns.

Throw 'em out there!

Now, you four, get down,
get down on you faces.

Get down!

Mister,

I'll blow you down.

Put your face down.

Stay down there.

Get your horses!

( hoofbeats approaching)

I'll see you later, honey.

Gil?

It's been a week.

Well, you've been riding
with the posse every day.

Well, Paladin is
still running loose.

Well, finding him's not
going to help me walk again.

Honey, there's a...

There's a marshal
in the territory.

Now, why don't
you let him do it?

( knock at door)

Grab a horse.

We just picked
up Paladin's trail.

Where is he? Look here.

Nobody else in town
smokes fancy cigars like this.

Found it by the riverbed.

All right. Gil, please stay.

Honey,

suppose I was in the wheelchair

instead of you.

And you knew the
man who put me there.

What would you
do to him? Tell me.

Oh.

Well, I'd make sure
he was the right man.

Who says he ain't

the right man?

Well, I don't know.

It's just that I don't
think he's capable.

Why not?

'Cause he played
up to you a little?

'Cause he made jokes
about your petticoats?

Always doing
exactly the right thing,

ain't you, Borden?

( calling to horses)

You ought to quit the posse, Ed.

Let him find Paladin himself.

No. I want to be there
when Borden finds him.

I want to see him do
something all wrong.

Kind of mistake
even he can't fix.

Come on.

( calling to horses)

Can I come in?

( door closes)

The horse I borrowed...
I've just returned it.

It's tied in the corral.

The cook is here, and...

and Judd, and all I
have to do is scream.

Do you know the
whole town's after you?

They want to kill you on sight.

Oh, they're a mob.

They're a terrible mob.

A mob's incapable
of reason or trust.

I'd like to believe
you're not part of it.

Tell me the truth, Mr. Paladin.

I have to know.

I had nothing to do
with your accident.

Nothing.

I have to believe you.

Your eyes give you away.

Why do you stay around here?

You could be miles away.

It's... It's so dangerous.

Your husband hired me to
find the person who did this,

and if he hadn't
hired me, I suspect

I'd be doing the
same thing anyway.

Well, that's ridiculous.

He's-He's out to kill you.

I-I'd like to do anything
I could to stop it, but...

You can.

If I could just talk
to the big man,

the one with the ancient horse.

Judd, Judd Calhoun.

If I could just talk to Judd
for about five minutes.

I think he knows who did it.

Well, he's down at the
bunkhouse right now.

But Mr. Paladin, he's a monster.

I mean, he can cripple
a man with a handshake.

Or a burr under the saddle.

MAN: Mrs. Borden?

Well, that's the cook.

Go out through the back room,
through Gil's room and out.

Keep him here for
about five minutes.

I'll be down at the
bunkhouse, talking to Judd.

Well, but they'll come
right back and find you.

( knock at door)

( whispering): I
want them to find me.

( knocking)

Mrs. Borden?

Come in, Hank.

Can't figure it
out, Mrs. Borden.

That horse is back.

The one that threw you.

Oh?

It's in the corral.

And, are-are you sure?

Yes, ma'am, I'm positive.

That Paladin fellow
took the horse with him,

and now that horse
is in the corral.

I better let Mr. Borden know.

Oh, no, Hank, please.

Ma'am, he'll want to know.

That fellow must be close
by if that horse is here.

Um...

Hank, please stay with me.

I've... I've been so lonely.

Won't take me long
to find Mr. Gil, ma'am.

Reckon he'd be mighty sore

to know Paladin
slipped by him again.

Hank, uh...

W-Would you get me a
pillow over there, please?

You know how that horse
got here, Mrs. Borden?

No, of-of course not, Hank.

Well...

I'll send Judd back
to keep you company.

Ma'am.

( door closing)

It's a good thing we
work here, Jenny.

Where we can
sit and rest a spell,

and nobody cares too much.

Mr. Borden treats you
well, doesn't he, Judd?

Want you to step inside the
barn with me for a moment.

What for?

Well, the daylight has become
rather bad for my health.

Come on.

I know you.

Your the fellow
they're looking for.

After you.

You're-You're that gunslinger.

They're looking for you.

Why?

Huh?

Why are they
looking for me, Judd?

'C-Cause you hurt Mrs. Borden.

You put that burr
under the saddle.

Did I?

Yeah, you did.

I put it there to
hurt Mrs. Borden?

No. All it was supposed...

Keep talking, Judd.

No.

Mrs. Borden wasn't supposed
to ride that horse, was she?

That burr was meant

for somebody else,
wasn't it, Judd?

Now you were there, you saw it.

Tell the truth!

I don't know. I think you do!

I-I don't know
what you're saying.

I want you to tell
me the truth, Judd.

You're getting me
all mixed up. I...

Was it you, Judd?

Was it you?

Did you put that burr
under that saddle?

No, I would never hurt
Mrs. Borden, never.

It wasn't meant for
Mrs. Borden, was it?

Meant to hurt
somebody else, wasn't it?

Answer me!

It was meant for
Gil Borden, wasn't it?

No.

It-It was for M-Mickey.

Ed said the horse
belonged to Mickey, and I...

What else did Ed say, Judd?

( hoofbeats approaching)

You hear that posse?

You're afraid of
them, aren't you Judd?

You afraid of that posse?

( men chatting in distance)

No.

Afraid to go out there
and tell those people

exactly what you know?

I ain't scared of nobody.

No?

Well, then, come
on, Judd, come on.

Come on.

( chatter and neighing)

Hats off, Paladin.

Now, hold it.

Judd got something
to tell you people.

Tell 'em, Judd. Tell 'em

who put the burr
under the saddle.

You heard him, Judd, go ahead.

It was him.

My party now, bud.

Isn't your wife
invited to this party?

She won't enjoy
it as much as I will.

Well, I think she'd like
to see you as a hero...

Judge, jury, and executioner,
all wrapped up in one.

Tie him up, Ed.

PALADIN: She'll be
real pleased with you.

Shooting an innocent
man, unarmed man

with his hands carefully tied.

She'd really be
impressed with you.

One more word
out of you, and I'll...

He's trying to rile
you up, Borden.

Go on, put him away.

Oh, let Mr. Borden
have his big moment.

He's trying to talk
you into a fight.

Yeah, and he ain't worth
it. You guys, shut up.

I was told you'd
rather fight than eat.

You looking for
a change of diet?

You talking awful big, Paladin.

I tell you, quit wasting time.

Put a hole through
him, and be done with it.

Maybe you better do that.

Here, you want to tie my hands?

Make it easier for you.

You might get hurt.

Judd might not like that.

You're making a mistake, Borden.

We'll see whose mistake it is.

Your own?

Take care of him, Judd.
Please, Mr. Borden.

He's hurting you. You
leave me alone, Judd.

Please, please, Mr. Borden.

There he is.

You hurt him again,
I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna tear you to pieces.

Let me alone,
Judd, let me alone.

What about it, Judd?

You gonna say who put that burr

under the saddle?

No. Come on, who is it?

Do you want me to hurt
him again? No, no, no.

Ah, Judd, watch that
stupid mouth of yours.

I did it, Mr. Borden.

I put that burr
under the saddle.

And I... Ed told me to.

I didn't mean to
hurt Mrs. Borden,

but Ed told me to.

( gunshot)

( groans)

All right.

Next one to try anything
gets the same thing.

I mean it.

Don't nobody even move.

( gunshots)

What can I do, Paladin?

What can I do to
make up for all this?

You want an easy answer,

don't you?

Come on.

( men talking)

( groans)

Gil!

Gil, what happened?

I got exactly what
was coming to me,

that's what happened.

Paladin's got $2,000
coming to him.

Oh.

Well, I...

I-I don't under...

I don't understand anything.

Your husband will explain.

I've got just time to
catch the next stage.

I want you to listen to me.

I have a friend
in San Francisco.

He's a surgeon.

One of the finest
in the country,

and I think he can help you.

( door closes) Oh.

Here you are, Paladin.

And that's not enough

for the all the misery
I've caused you.

Well, here's the one

that suffered the misery.

I want you to take this.

Mrs. Borden?

For your medical expenses.

I-I... really...

Don't worry about it.

I'll get it back.

How will you get it back?

That doctor I told you
about in San Francisco...

He's a first-rate doctor,

but he's a second-rate
poker player.

( laughs)