Have Gun - Will Travel (1957–1963): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Englishman - full transcript

Your guide would
cut your throat for $10.

If he didn't, you'd be
shot by desperadoes

or scalped by Indians.

This gun is your safe passage.

Well, Hey Boy, what's
the news of the world?

Robbery, murders?

Plenty, like
always, Mr. Paladin.

If only today something
different would...

MAN: I say, Porter!

Hang on to this for me will you?

My room isn't ready yet.



My trunks are being
sent up from the ship.

Oh, and porter, which
way is Freetown, Montana?

Well, perhaps I could
be of some assistance.

Montana is that way

and my name is Paladin.

Why, thank you, sir.

I'm James Brunswick.

Well, you must be
tired after your long trip.

Come, sit with me
and we'll discuss

the problems of the world.

Hey Boy!

Bring my companion
some wi... brandy.

Do you smoke, sir?

Thank you.



Therefore my older brother

naturally inherited
the family estate

and the title, the
Earl of Brunswick.

My father had invested
money in this ranch in Montona

and his share came to me.

That state is called Montana.

Oh...

thank you.

And now you've come
to take possession?

Yes, I only have a half-share.

The rest is owned
by a third cousin,

a Miss Felicia Carson.

Have you met her?

No. But it doesn't seem
quite right, you know?

I mean, a woman saddled with all

this responsibility while I
lounge about in England.

So here I am.

It'll be great sport, I expect.

Well, I should think she'd
be glad of a man's help.

I thought so, yes.

I shall take the first
train out in the morning

and pop in on
her in a day or so.

It'll be more like three weeks.

Is it that far?

Well, it's about as
far as from England

to Russia.

Well, that's fantastic.

The train will drop you off
200 miles from Fleetown

and it's a rough trip over
the mountains on horseback.

Well, I might do a
bit of hunting on route.

I shall hire a guide.

Who will cut your throat
for the content of your purse.

You can't make it alone.

You'll be shot by desperadoes,

lost in the mountains
or scalped by Indians.

Well, that's a bit
awkward, Paladin.

I mean, I can't just hang
about here in San Francisco.

May I make a suggestion?

Please.

I say, Paladin, not really?

( chuckles): Yes, really.

But the, uh, the gun...
is that necessary?

Not always necessary, but
sometimes indispensable.

Whoa!

'Morning, boys.

Hope you've got my
order made up, N.G.

There it is, sitting
fat and sassy

waiting for you, Miss Carson.

I think I'll have a
look at your cloth.

Load the supplies, Waddy.

Waddy? Yeah?

Why don't you sit

and have a cup of
coffee after that long ride?

Well, I-I don't mind if I do.

How's the dry spell
hitting the King's Arm?

Oh, not too bad.

Water's still holding
up pretty good.

( laughter)

N.G., you rigged that chair!

And you sat right down in it.

That's not too funny, N.G.

Matter of fact, none of
your jokes are too funny.

Oh, come off it, Miss Carson.

Ain't nobody hurt none

and Waddy, he'd
be laughing as hard

as anyone if it was pulled
on Joe or Dan, wouldn't he?

Load the supplies,
Waddy. Yes, ma'am.

Why don't you grow up?

Playing these fool little
boy jokes all the time.

You ain't got no
sense of humor, ma'am,

and that's a fact.

Neither do you if
the truth was said.

Ma'am, I think your
cousin just got here.

Crazy clothes.

Morning, this Fleetown?

That's the name.

Looking for someone
special around here?

Well, my friend is trying to
locate the King's Arms Ranch.

That's what I was afraid of.

I mean, what I figured.

Well, I reckon you're
my kinfolk, Jamie.

Cousin Felicia,
this is delightful.

I reckon.

Pleased to meet you.

Oh, um, my friend, Mr. Paladin.

Miss Carson, pleasure.

The same.

Well, let's not stand
around gawking.

Let's go inside and
have a cup of coffee.

Warm up the coffee, N.G.

I say those are real savages.

Chief Harry
Blackfoot. Little Horse,

and a few of the boys
up the road, that's all.

Joe, heat up the coffee.

James was disappointed not
to see any Indians on the trail.

Good thing, too.

The only braves
you run into up there

would be a war
party taking scalps.

Those fellas are a
lot more peaceable.

They ain't smeared war
paint in near ten years.

War paint? Scalps?

Hmm, sounds exciting.

Well, it makes good
reading, James,

but it's nothing
you'd want to see.

Oh, no, I suppose not.

Say,

are you the one who shot
that poor little bear cub?

The one who's hide
I seen on the horse?

I shot him, but
he's scarcely a cub.

N.G.: Why, Mister,
you ain't acquainted

with the Montana breed of bear.

Full growed, they're
as big as this store.

Really?

Now hold on, N.G.

You don't want to interrupt
your cousin, Miss Carson.

A man ought to
do his own talking.

BRUNSWICK: Say, I never
heard of any animal that large.

N.G.: I've only been on the kill

of a full-size Montana
bear only once,

on an expedition
with an army group

when we run across one.

It took a ten-pound shot from
a cannon to bring him down.

Extraordinary.

N.G.: The dang thing was,

when we peeled the hide off him,

you know what we
found under that bearskin?

No, what?

Bare skin!

( laughter)

I must say the joke's on me.

It sure is.

( laughter)

Oh!

N.G., I don't know
how you did that,

but since I know
they're strictly flesh,

I'll take a dozen.

That's a horse on you, N.G.

( imitating hen clucking)

( all laughing) I
say, that's humorous.

You think that's funny, do you?

Yes, don't you?

Not much.

Come on, James.

N.G. finally bit on one

and he don't like
the sour taste.

It's a real pleasure to make
your acquaintance, Paladin.

Uh, good day.

Follow me, Jamie.

Follow me.

So that dude can
appreciate a joke, huh?

Say, Harry...

can you round up
about a dozen braves

and get them to smear
on some war paint

and whoop it up?

What for?

It's just a little joke.

Friend of mine ain't never
seen any wild Indians.

Give him a show.

Big Crazy Clothes?

N.G.: Uh-huh.

You give each Indian
bottle of whiskey?

Well, that's kind of
an expensive joke.

All right, it's a deal.

Yes, sir, that dude is likely
to run right out his britches.

And here's the barn.

Well, that's the works, Jamie.

These buildings,
6,000 head of cattle,

12,000 acres of land.

BRUNSWICK: And you've
been looking after all this?

You're an amazing
woman, Felicia.

It had to be done.

Well, now that I'm here,

I intend to take that
burden off your shoulders.

And you shall sit back and
be the lady of the manor.

Thanks, Jamie, but for a while,

you just sort of take it easy

and don't bother yourself none.

Supper's ready in a half hour.

Well, James, this is quite
a spread you've got here.

Yes, I'm afraid she doesn't
take me very seriously, Paladin.

Well, that will change.

You're strange to her now.

To everyone.

You know, I was thinking
about it this morning,

about N.G. Smith
and his little joke.

I was being tested, wasn't I?

I'm afraid so.

See, there's a theory out here.

A man that can
be tricked is a fool.

And there are two kinds of
people they can't tolerate.

Cowards and fools.

In a tight situation,

the one would run
off and leave you,

and the other would
make fatal mistakes.

And I showed
myself to be a fool.

Well, let's just say that for
the moment, you've lost face.

You don't fit in.

How does one go
about fitting in, Paladin?

Well, James, I
suppose I could deliver

a long lecture on
physical differences,

the clothes you're wearing,

the hat, even your saddle.

Look at it... it's for riding.

Look at this one.

This is a cowboy's workbench.

Everything a cowboy needs
for a working day is right here.

Tie and post for roping,
high cantle to give a man

support and comfort during
that long, hard working day.

And here's a boot for a rifle.

Yes, I have got a lot to learn.

James, the truth
of the matter is,

that survival is very
difficult out here.

Everything, everybody,
has to contribute.

The way to fit in is
to find a particular...

( whooping)

( whooping and gunshots)

Shouldn't be hostiles down here.

Oh, no.

Of all the fool tricks,

screaming like a band
of medicine show squaws.

Let me see, Harry.

Big joke, N.G. say.

Everybody have fun.

It's a bad one. It's
high in the chest.

You do this?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

Let's get him in the house.

No!

We take care of our chief.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

We'll go into town
in the morning.

Maybe they'll listen
to reason then.

( horses clattering off)

N.G. and his stupid jokes.

We've had no Indian
trouble in years.

Why couldn't you wait

and find out what it was
about before you shot?

That wasn't fair of her.

Wasn't it, Paladin?

What was that you
said about a fool?

A fool who makes fatal mistakes?

( knocking)

All right, all right.
Hold your horses.

I'm coming!

What for you banging on my door

at this time of night for?

He shoot Harry.

Who shot Harry?

The crazy clothes.

Harry hurt bad.

What do you come to me
for? It was no fault of mine.

You say big joke.

Everybody laugh.

That idiot had no business
shooting back at you.

He should have
known it was a joke.

Look, boys, you got a
legitimate reason to be sore.

But I didn't pull the trigger,
so don't look at me that way.

Your fight is with the dude.

Boys, I couldn't be sorrier.

If I could make
it up in any way...

Not that it was
my fault, mind you.

Well, I promised you a
bottle of whiskey each

and you had some trouble, so...

here's a whole keg.

Go ahead, take it. It's on me.

Sure am sorry about
Harry, Little Horse.

Anything I can do,
just let me know.

Buckboard's all hitched
up outside, Miss Carson.

It's all ready.

Jamie will be right along.

Wasn't his fault, you know.

He reacted instinctively.

He was attacked.

Picked up a rifle
and defended himself.

He should have used his head

instead of a rifle.

Would you have liked it
better if he ran away and hid?

When are you figuring
to leave, Paladin?

Tomorrow.

Take him with you.

For his own good.

How long do you
think he'd last out here

before somebody
blows his head off?

He could learn with your help.

I'm running a
ranch, not a school.

Oh, Paladin, it isn't
as if I didn't like him.

Well, then don't take
this ranch away from him.

He needs it.

It'll give him some
purpose in life.

And you need him.

Good morning.
I'm sorry I'm late.

Good morning, James.

Now when we get to town, Jamie,

I just want you to
let me do the talking.

The Indians have probably
cooled down by now.

If Harry Blackfoot's all right.

N.G. started this.

It's up to him to stop it.

I want you to show
up and just stand there

like you've got nothing
to be ashamed of.

But you think I have
something to be ashamed of.

Paladin, I'd appreciate it

if you'd stay until this
matter's cleared up.

Then I'd like to return to
San Francisco with you.

I can make passage
back to England from there.

If that's what you want.

Yes, I think that will
be best for everybody.

Miss Carson, do you
really believe that?

Yes.

There, then that's all settled.

( whooping and yelling)

FELICIA: They're drunk.

The whole lot of them.

Harry don't look hurt
too bad, just mean.

We better get N.G.
before we try to talk to him.

James?

You can't stay here alone.

Come on with us.

Waddy, you take care of the rig.

Time to get out of here.

There you are, you troublemaker!

You get the
Indians all stewed up

the plain fool way you acted.

You mangy dog.

Why you!

I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

That's enough, N.G.

Now you're going outside with us

and tell Harry exactly why this

is all your fault.

What do you mean, my fault?

I don't have to
explain that to you.

They're in no mood
to listen to reason now.

Because you've got
them all drunk and fired up.

All right. It was a mistake.

But if I take the blame
now, they'll kill me.

If you don't, I'll kill you.

( gunshots)

Hold it.

You kill any one of them

and the word will reach
every lodge in this region.

There won't be an
Indian within 500 miles

not wearing war paint.

Send out Crazy Clothes!

Crazy Clothes!

You get out there
and tell them to stop it.

I can't stop them.

They want him!

( gunshots)

Send out Crazy Clothes!

Crazy Clothes!

War or no war, we ain't
going to stand for this.

Besides, we got kids at home.

That won't be necessary.

What do you think you're doing?

I don't have much choice, do I?

You can't go out there, Jamie.

You don't want someone
to get killed, do you?

Or start a war?

Call it off, Harry.

We could have killed
your braves before this,

but that would mean a war.

You kill this man

and the soldiers
will come anyway

and you don't want that!

( whooping)

Harry, it's even now.
You were hurt before.

This man has
been hurt in return.

It's enough!

Harry, call it off!

In a far distant land,

this is the uniform
of a brave man.

It is, Harry.

In that distant land,

only a brave and
honorable chief,

a man of strength like
you, can wear these clothes.

See how he behaves?
He doesn't flinch.

( yells)

( horse whinnies)

( horse whinnies)

Enough!

HARRY: He is brave,
the crazy clothes.

I feel I owe you an
apology, old man.

I'm really dreadfully sorry.

It was inexcusable.

You feeling better, Jamie?

I'm feeling fine.

Fortunately, N.G.
carried my size in stock.

Only brave and honorable
men may wear this uniform.

Great and wise leaders.

That's right.

Only me and this
one. No one else.

( laughs)

You're a coward and a fool, N.G.

I don't think you'll be
able to live that down

in this neighborhood anymore.

I ain't going anywhere, mister.

These folks will stick
with me. Ain't that so?

Wait a minute!

You can't listen to him!

Well, I expect we better
return to the ranch and pack.

You can't run off and
leave me now, Jamie.

That ranch needs a man.

Thank you for that, Felicia,

but I'm afraid I have so
little to contribute out here.

Except courage.

Without which,
there'd be nothing here.

You're traveling alone.

You know, I had
an idea I might be.

Supposing I mess
things up again,

spoil everything
you've worked so hard

to get out here?

Well, I don't know
how to say it, Jamie.

You tell him, Paladin.

Well, James, you've been tested.

You ring true.

There's no place in
the world you can't live

if you just follow
your natural instincts.

That's it, Jamie.

I'll stay.

Montana and you will
both be the better for it.

Bye.

Hey Boy.

Mr. Paladin! Hey Boy very happy

to see you so quick.

Thank you.

Anything new since
I've been gone?

Oh, no. Everything very quiet.

Very quiet now.

Good. That's exactly what I...

Hey Boy, sometimes
you baffle me.

Did you say nothing new?

Nothing, Mr. Paladin.

You tired? Me bring
you something?

Yeah. Champagne.