Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 5, Episode 22 - Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch - full transcript

( music playing )

Max: This is my
boss Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,
'cause when they met,

it was murder.

( music playing )



( barks )

- Hart Ranch.
- Mrs. Scott: Dwayne?

This is Mrs. Scott
in Los Angeles,

is Mr. Hart there please?

Dwayne: Oh, I'm afraid not,
they're on their way home.

Mrs. Scott: But they
aren't due back until Friday.

Dwayne: Mr. Hart took
quite a tumble off his horse.

And Mrs. Hart wants him
to see their doctor in L.A.

Mrs. Scott: Is he badly hurt?

Dwayne: Oh, just stiff I guess,
shook up, nothing broken.

Mrs. Scott: When did they leave?

Dwayne: A couple hours ago,
should be back around noon your time.

Mrs. Scott: Okay, I'll call
them at the house, thank you.

( clicks )



Max is definitely home.

Maybe we should've called first.

Maybe we should've.

Oh.

Are you all right?

I'll never ride
that horse again.

No, let's leave those
for Max, darling.

Come on, let me help
you in, you poor thing.

Please give me
a break, will you?

- Hello.
- Hello.

Come in, come in.
Here they are, Mr. Grade.

I expected you later.

What?

Keep quiet, turn around.

Turn around.

Not bad, you're a little
shorter than he is, little pudgier.

You look better in the flesh

than you do in your pictures.

You'll do, you'll pass.

Pass?

For Jonathan and Jennifer Hart.

And don't worry about knowing

all the private
details of their life,

we'll give you a
complete briefing.

We're holding their
houseman, Max.

He'll coach you,

or we'll blow his head off.

Come along, I'll
brief you in here.

Go on.

- What's this?
- We took care of 'em

after this Max got hold of one,

tried to call out.

We had to reason with him.

Is he hurt?

Don't worry, he can still talk.

Now here's some
updated facts on the Harts.

I want you to be letter-perfect

on their lives.

Well, you certainly have
done a lot of research.

Considering what we're after.

Now I want you to go
through that thoroughly.

Trammel, fetch our friend.

Right.

When are you going to fill us in

on the details of
our assignment?

I'll let you know what
you need to know

when you need to know it.

Take your hands off of me.

Who's that?

This is their butler, the
one interested in the phones.

What's his name?

Max.

Well, Mac, from now on,

you think of me as Jonathan Hart

and think of her as Jennifer.

And cooperate, be smart,

save your life, you got it?

I get it, I'm not gonna
tie in with his gorilla

and these phony
maids are packing rods.

How dangerous
is this going to be?

Well, don't be concerned,

I'm cautious to a fault,

that's why I want you
to be thoroughly briefed.

What do you know
about wine, for instance?

Wine?

Red, white, rose,
sparking, still.

They're almost
invariably liquid.

We know about that
kind of wine, yeah.

So that you won't be
hopelessly out of place

at your own formal
dinner tonight.

And you can tell them
how to dress the part?

I'll give them the clothes,

they'll have to
supply the style.

Right, try to rise
above your limitations.

Are we gonna have to convince
anyone who knows the Harts?

No, nobody at the dinner
tonight has ever met

Jonathan or Jennifer
Hart personally,

but you'll have
to look and sound

absolutely right.

Relax, we'll be so
convincing, you'll gasp.

Good, very good.

Just follow me.

Not bad.

Quite adequate.

All right, let's have
the grand tour.

Mr. Hart's clothes are here.

After you.

Mrs. Hart's clothes are here.

Good, you'd better
get into evening clothes.

Make sure they fit correctly.

If necessary, Edna will
make any alterations.

All right, we'll be down
when we get changed.

I'll be downstairs.

Well, they activated
our security alarm.

They've cut the telephone cord.

We can't call out.

And we can't get out.

They've got Max and we
can't do anything about it.

Oh, this is insane.

Who are the guests gonna be?

I'd advise you not
to let Mr. Grade

hear you ask questions ever.

Get the wine glasses.

Oh, darling, this all right?

Oh, yes.

Very good.

Damn near perfect
for both of you.

Thank you.

Yes we're lucky,

it seems to fit quite well.

Matthew: Very lucky.

As far as the guests
are concerned,

I'm working for you,
executive assistant,

the title covers a
multitude of sins.

First-name basis, you
can call me Matthew,

Matt.

Is that your real name?

No.

Wow, you look terrific.

Thank you.

I'm Melanie, I don't think I
even know your real name.

Why don't we keep it at
Jonathan and Jennifer?

That way we'll
stay in character.

Okay, I think Jonathan's classy.

She have some
kind of a lock on you?

We work as partners.

And we work day and night.

Melanie, that'll be all.

Yes, Mr. Grade.

You look wonderful.

Change into
something more casual,

I'll see you downstairs.

We have a problem to solve.

Hey, he likes me.

I have a way with dogs.

Matthew: His name is Freeway.

Come on, Roadway, come on.

Come here, boy.

Come on, Roadway, nice dog.

- Nice Roadway.
- Jennifer: Here, boy,

here, boy.

Jonathan: Roadway.

- Jennifer: Boy, come here.
- Jonathan: Come on.

- Jennifer: Come here, boy.
- Come on,

come on, come on.

Jennifer: No, no, no here, boy.

That's it, here, boy.

Nice dog.

You see? Told you he likes me.

( buzzer )

Is that the gate?

Yeah, it is.

Answer it.

Move your tail.

Hart residence.

This is Agent Martin Austin,

I'd like to see Mr. Hart.

Max: Agent?

What kind of agent?

United States Secret Service.

Probably a routine
security check,

but if it isn't...

Tell him to come in.

Come on up.

Martin: Thank you.

You're not going to risk

killing a federal
agent, are you?

Not if you convince
him you're the Harts.

Positions.

Dog, kitchen, door.

Over here.

Please come in, Mr. Austin.

Mr. Austin, sir.

Hello, I'm Jonathan Hart.

My wife, Jennifer.

- How do you do?
- Mrs. Hart.

Thank you, Trammel.

Something wrong?

Excuse me, but
according to our records,

your houseman's name is Max.

It is, yes.

Max is in the kitchen.

We always put on extra staff

when we're entertaining.

Of course, sorry, Mrs. Hart.

But our office was asked
to do a security check

when we learned that
you were having Senator

and Mrs. Barton
to dinner tonight

because there've been
threats ever since the senator

announced his
reelection campaign.

Well... This is my
executive assistant,

Matthew Grade.

You probably don't have
him on file, he's new with me.

I'm handling the
security for the dinner,

that's why Mr. Hart has
insisted on special precautions.

May I show you
the complete setup?

That'd be fine, Mr. Grade.

Melanie, watch him.

You were pretty good.

It's lucky you two
showed up early.

There are sensors at
every upstairs window.

And the alarm will register

even if there's any
attempt at entry.

Damn good.

Mr. and Mrs. Hart are
certainly very careful,

why so much security?

Because, Mr. Austin, this
is notably an insecure world.

And now for the bedroom.

That's both sound
and light activated.

Impressive.

I don't think I've seen
that design before.

Unh-unh.

The entire system is
under development,

we'd rather keep
it confidential.

If you'll come this way?

I'm a government agent.

So was Aaron Burr.

Now the guest room.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Grade.

That's all right, Melanie.

The staff has been with
Mr. Hart for some time.

But you're new.

Yes.

May I ask your
background, Mr. Grade?

Yes. My previous
experience was in England,

Scotland Yard criminal division.

Considerable
experience, I might add.

That's interesting.

And reassuring, I hope
you'll agree, Mr. Austin.

Now the food is prepared
here under supervision

and the rear door
is secure of course.

Questions?

I'm reassured.

Thank you.

The security system
is excellent, sir.

State of the art.

Every window is
covered, every door.

You can't get in or out

without keying an alarm.

We know.

Well, I'm more than satisfied.

Thank you, Mr. Hart.

I'll show you out.

Oh.

You're no butler.

You're a security man.

That's terrific.

Well, now I really feel
better about the whole thing.

Mr. Hart.

Mrs. Hart.

I'll show you out, sir.

You know, you sound perfect.

Are you JHI security or private?

That's classified.

Classified.

I'm sorry, sir, I guess
I'm a little nervous.

No matter, he bought it.

We're in the clear
now, all the way.

He's gone.

Wanted to know if I'd
had any FBI training.

It's almost one, we
must stay on schedule.

Now you two

concentrate on
your briefing notes.

I want you to be the Harts.

Preparations for the dinner,
we start in the kitchen.

Melanie, prior or
during the dinner...

The chauffeur, no problem.

What is it?

The Harts, the real fakes,

the ones that are
coming in to play us.

Grade said they'd
be here around 2:00.

That's about an hour from now.

I don't like it.

You asked me, I'm telling you.

Mr. and Mrs. H have
lunch out here every day

unless it's raining.

It ain't raining.

Hey, it might not be a bad idea.

Do they have a security patrol?

Yes, the Bel Air.

Well, if they were to come by
and see the Harts having lunch,

then they wouldn't check.

You're right.

We'll be setting up inside,

keep an eye on him.

Hey, I don't want no trouble.

Mr. and Mrs. H, what
are we gonna do?

Well, first we ought to find out

why Senator and
Mrs. Daniel Barton

were invited to dinner.

It's far too elaborate a
plan for a social event.

I get the feeling
that this Grade guy

isn't playing penny ante.

I've got the same feeling.

He has perfect manners,

he's loaded with charm,

but there's something
very dangerous underneath.

That's why he can't
find out that we're us.

You're right, Mr. H.

But these doubles are
coming in here any minute.

Well, all we can do
is wait for an opening,

as long as we're on the outside

and Grade and company
are on the inside,

we might have a chance.

But if they're gonna
be here at any minute,

we've got to do something fast.

I'm going to get something
out of the Jeep, you wait here.

If Grade comes
back, tell him I'm out

strolling in the garden,
staying in character.

What should I do?

Stay in character.

What character?

The senator over there,

his wife across from him.

Mr. Stratham?

Next to the Senator,
it'll reassure him.

Senator Barton's
imaginary security

is the only reason
he's agreed to come

without his own guard.

And with our $20 million.

Almost done.

- Good.
- ( beeps )

It's armed.

Be careful with these controls,

I don't want to be burned alive.

It's on safety.

What about the actors?

The actors?

Oh, Jonathan and Jennifer Hart.

Well, when we're done and
gone, there'll be a tragic fire.

When the real Harts
return, they'll find ashes

and a number of
anonymous corpses.

Any traces of us,
gone up in smoke.

Cover it up.

Max, the gate opener. Go
down and let the doubles in.

We'll wait for them
downstairs in the wine cellar.

Okay.

Watch the gate, darling.

Darling, it's already 2:00.

If they're late, we've
got to think of something,

- we can't just stall forever.
- We have to take

a chance on this, go ahead
and just watch the gate.

Jennifer: There's a car coming.

It's them.

Hold it right here, buddy.

Hi I'm Allen. I'm Janet.

I know who you both are.

Leave your car here, come on.

Will my car be okay here?

It'll be fine.

Look, I just had a tune up.

Nobody's gonna rip you
off in this neighborhood.

Steal an oil company or a small
country maybe, but not your heap.

Where's Mr. Grade?

Inside. So let's not
keep him waiting.

Come on, both of you.

They really do look like us.

Look at this.

Jonathan: Oh, you're
right. They do look like us.

Here they come.

Did you work it out?

- Hold it.
- What?

Mr. Grade is very fussy.

We shouldn't be too early.

It was a piece of cake.

I haven't worked on one of
those cookie tins in years.

Call that a safe?

It's always a delight to
have your expert evaluation.

But we have a schedule.

Both look terrific,
red's your color.

- Thank you.
- You too.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, what is this?

We're supposed to
be playing the owners,

not a cook or something.

You're gonna be
terrific, come on,

downstairs and to the right,

Mr. Grade is waiting for you.

Downstairs? Didn't
you hear what she said,

We're supposed to be the owners.

That's all right, go ahead.

Right this way, down here.

That's it.

Now step right in here.

This is the basement.

Now right through
there is the wine cellar.

Who are you?
We're supposed to...

You look like me.
Yes, I do, don't I?

It's entirely climate-controlled

and the air
circulates regularly.

They're waiting
for you right in here.

I don't understand.

Just step inside.

Melanie, bring in the actors.

Sure, I'm almost finished.

Hurry up, someone's
coming to get you.

Just relax and enjoy yourselves.

Why don't we go over the menu?

Okay, good.

What's going on?

I dropped a pan.

Well, I can see that.

Make a little less noise, eh?

( Max whistles )

Well, look at that.

Don't you two look rich.

Well, that is the
general idea, isn't it?

Come on inside, it's
time to earn your money.

Grade wants you.

We have a little task
for you to perform.

Here's what you say.

You don't have to be exact,

but make it as
close as possible.

This is Jonathan Hart's office.

Mr. Hart would like to
speak with Mr. Stratham.

Mr. Stratham?

Here's Mr. Hart.

This is Jonathan Hart.

Anthony: Mr. Hart,
this is truly an honor.

The House of Stratham is
proud to be of service to you.

Have you made a decision?

"Not yet. So I would
like you to bring

a selection of jewels
over to my home,

including the Queen
Catherine Emerald

and the Bagnol
Diamonds, of course."

I'm sure Mrs. Hart will
be delighted in either case.

Jonathan: "Well,
it's our anniversary

and I want to surprise her.

By the way, there'll
be complete security.

Senator and Mrs. Daniel Barton

will be coming over for dinner."

Yes, your office told me

and I hope you won't mind,

Mr. Hart, but I
checked with the FBI,

just a formality of course.

The name Jonathan Hart, well...

still, I felt I had to
take every precaution,

the jewels are worth
over $20 million.

"That's all right, Mr. Stratham,

nothing is too good
for my wife, nothing.

I look forward to
seeing you tonight."

Thank you sir, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Perfect, absolutely perfect.

Thanks.

Darling?

Yeah, here.

It's all set, when
Max gets a chance

he's gonna talk to the
senator's chauffeur.

Max... what did he do?

Nothing.

And to ensure that he
continues to do nothing,

we're stowing him in
there for the duration.

( car approaching )

It's Senator Barton.

- Let him in.
- Right.

I guess it's safe to say that
Max won't have a chance to talk

to the senator's chauffeur.

Keep on smiling.

Edna, Melanie.

Welcome to Hart House.

This way please.

Senator and Mrs. Barton, sir.

- Senator.
- My pleasure.

It sure is.

We've never met, but of course

I know a great deal
about you, Mr. Hart.

And all of it first-rate.

Well, thank you.

May I present my wife Jennifer?

How do you do, Senator?

Very well, how are you?

And I'm Angela Barton,

but everybody calls me Angie.

How do you do?

You sure have a lovely home.

Well, thank you.

And this is my
associate, Mr. Grade.

How do you do, sir?

Pleasure Senator, madam.

Can we offer you
something to drink?

That you could, sir.

- Bourbon.
- Now that sounds delicious.

Darling?

Yes, please.

Trammel.

Sir.

Senator, I'm glad
you could make it.

I know why you invited
me here tonight, Mr. Hart

or Jonathan if I may.

You know why?

Jonathan, you can't
fool an old campaigner.

I've just announced
my reelection campaign

and I think that
the time's right for...

Name stands for
the kind of people

- we should be talking to.
- No, thank you.

I mean... oh, no, thank you.

I mean, what with
Dan's plans and all...

Senator, I'd like
to talk with you.

About the funding.

Well, of course money
is the key element

in my campaign.

Now money is the mother's milk

of politics, Mr. Hart.

So you can see why I'm...

- Angie.
- Mm mm.

Angie.

I just knew you'd have
real, down-home bourbon.

I'd like to talk
with you privately.

Would you care
for a canapé, sir?

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You're talking
politics, gentlemen?

Politics, why no, sir.

No, we're discussing
statesmanship.

Angela: Honey bud, that
name just fits you to a "T,"

statesmanship.

Now, now, sweetie,
you just behave yourself.

( doorbell rings )

I couldn't get a
word in edgewise.

She can drink straight bourbon
and talk at the same time,

she doesn't even
come up for air.

You know, being a senator's wife

is a tremendous responsibility,

Oh, yes, I'm sure it is.

Well, you do just fine, Angie.

Oh.

How do you folks feel
about corporate contributions

to political efforts, Mr. Grade?

Oh, we're in favor.

Mr. Anthony Stratham.

- Good evening.
- Stratham,

the jeweler of the
House of Stratham?

All those simply
terrific diamonds?

Guilty on all three counts.

Mr. Stratham, I'm Jennifer Hart.

This is Senator Barton.

Hello.

And this is Angie Barton.

- Our Mr. Grade.
- How do you do?

And you know my
husband Jonathan.

Of course.

Good evening.

I remember you perfectly.

You do?

Have we met before?

Years ago, you
were a journalist,

you did a story on
the diamond trade.

Oh, Oh, yes, of course,

I remember very well.

But I must have
changed since then.

Oh, not that much.

Mr. Stratham, your
reputation for flattery

is equal to that of your jewels.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Hart,

the storage area is
ready for Mr. Stratham.

Yes, it is.

- Excuse me.
- Yes.

I'll be waiting here to
finish our chat, Jonathan.

Right, Senator.

- Mrs. Hart.
- Yes?

I've been meaning to ask you

ever since we arrived
earlier in the evening...

Anthony: Voila, the
Queen Catherine Emerald

or if Mrs. Hart would prefer,

the Bagnol Diamond.

My God.

They're certainly worth having.

Worth having?

Mr. Hart, these
are worth killing for.

Angela: Wonderful.

Lovely wine.

- I'm glad you like it.
- Oh, I always do.

Oh, it's all gone,

just when I was getting
to be real fond of it.

I'm sure we have another
bottle in the cellar, ma'am.

Why don't you have some port?

Angie, you just slow
down here, slow down.

- Trammel, - Yes, sir.

There's some port
right there on the side.

- Sir.
- Why, I'd love a glass of port.

What were you carrying when
you came in, Mr. Stratham?

Oh, magic, Mrs. Barton, magic.

It looked more like
a sample case to me.

Senator Barton: Angie.

Well, it's just that I
love nice things, dear.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Oh, I'll second that.

Oh, you clumsy girl.

- Hey, I don't have to take...
- Melanie.

I'm sure that it was
just an accident.

Oh, yes, of course,
it's just an accident.

But I will have to
change my clothes.

Will you excuse me please?

Accidents will happen.

Oh, excuse me, Senator,

is your chauffeur outside?

Yes, he is, why?

I thought he might like to
have a bite to eat in the kitchen.

Good idea.

Melanie can fetch him, sir.

I'll pulverize that Trammel.

Now you go down the back stairs,

wait five minutes and
then let Freeway go,

got it?

- Got it, Mrs. H.
- Good.

Unh-unh, why don't
we go somewhere

a little more private?

Well, lead the way.

How did you get
loose, you bad dog?

Oh, here we are, all changed.

I'm terribly sorry for
the inconvenience.

Good help is so difficult
to get these days.

Thank you.

How's the chauffeur?

He's on ice.

What?

I think the party's over.

( doorbell rings )

That is... were you
expecting somebody Senator?

Mr. Stratham?

- No.
- Well, naturally, sir,

I have to keep in constant
touch with Washington,

there may be developments
relating to my committee.

I remember one time...

Oh, where's Max?

Ma'am?

Is Mr. Hart in?

Would you wait here
a moment, ma'am?

We must've gone 200 miles

before somebody noticed
that they hadn't made

any preparations for meals.

Well...

There's a lady to see Mr. Hart.

Excuse me, I'll take
care of it, Trammel.

I think perhaps I
better go along.

I just want to
see if I can help.

Excuse me.

We'll be just fine.

Oh, Mr. Hart, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to intrude.

I'd heard that you'd
taken a fall at the ranch

and I called, but they
said you came home,

and I have been trying
the phones all day,

but they seem
to be out of order,

so I came over.

I do apologize, Mrs. Hart,

I certainly hope I haven't
interrupted anything.

So you work for Mr. Hart?

For the past eight years.

Then you know him well?

Well, that's why I
was so concerned.

You're Jonathan Hart

and you're Jennifer Hart.

Well, of course
they're the Harts.

Of course they are.

I'm immensely grateful to you.

Commendable loyalty.

Edna.

Get the jewels.

Tell them they need
to look after the others.

- Mr. Hart.
- It's all right, Kelly.

Just do what he says, they're
planning to take some jewels.

No, no, not planning, doing.

They're gone.

Impossible.

Nobody left except you.

Where are they?

I really need to know.

I'll tell you where they are.

Darling.

They're in our vault downstairs.

What vault? I've been
all over this place.

In the wine cellar,

it's rather hard to find.

Then you'll be
able to locate them.

Do I have much of a choice?

This way.

Keep an eye on her.

I admire you, both of you,

carrying off a deception
under such pressure,

remarkable.

Thanks.

Too bad you're
already a very rich man,

I could use two
intelligent associates.

But I suppose you're
hopelessly honest,

pity.

Yes it must be very
frustrating for you.

Until now, perhaps.

But now that I'm gonna
join the ranks of the rich,

I can appreciate the
delights of legitimacy.

I shall retire to a sea coast,

beneath the sun
in sinful luxury.

If you get away with it.

Oh, I shall. Open the door.

Oh, Trammel will manage that.

You know, you don't realize what
a terrible mistake you're making...

( gunshot )

What's going on here?

Hey!

Oh, the party's over?

( laughing )

The maid was right, Mr. Hart.

We did find a bomb under
the floor in your dining room,

it's been diffused.

Here it comes now.

Well, thanks very much.

Bye-bye, bomb.

Thank God.

Yes, well, I must say it's
been a memorable dinner party.

I only regret that
the invitation wasn't

a legitimate one.

Next time, it will be.

I look forward to that.

Good night.

- Good night.
- Good morning.

- Good morning.
- I'm going to bed,

Mr. and Mrs. H.

Come on, Freeway,
let's get some sleep.

What a night.

You can say that again.

- Look at you.
- What?

All you've been through
and you look gorgeous.

You're only saying that
because you love me.

I certainly do.

What about those emeralds?

Oh, now those are gorgeous.

They certainly would make
someone a nice present.

Unless someone bought
them for themselves.

Well, someone could
buy them for themselves,

but it'd be nice if someone
bought them for someone.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

Anyway, it's none of
our concern, come on.

Hey, gorgeous.

Oh!

Whoo-hoo!

( music playing )