Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 5, Episode 21 - Always, Elizabeth - full transcript

Max's penfriend, Elizabeth, comes for her first visit to the Hart residence. Unfortunately for Max, he embellished his station in life and claimed that he had the mansion and the money. As a favour to Max, the Harts decide to exchange roles and become Max's servants in his house. Things don't go well as Jennifer is not a good cook and Max starts to relish his new role. Things go further downhill when Elizabeth's nephew breaks in and steals some of the valuables. However, the nephew also owes money to a heavy and he is also interested in robbing the Harts.

( music playing )

Max: This is my
boss Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,
'cause when they met,

it was murder.

( music playing )



( barks )

Let's go.

Help.

( screaming )

How are you, Frankie?

Fine.

I told you I was gonna
have your money.

That was two weeks ago, Frank,

you're using up
a lot of interest.

Well, I need another week.

I'm onto a real good thing.

I'm trying to think of a
reason to believe you.

I swear, Tony, I'll
get your money back.

Just one more week.



Okay, Frankie,
but this is business

we have to get done.

Huh?

Wait a minute,
wait. ( groaning )

That's your collection
notice, Frank.

We go one week, or they're
gonna pour what's left of you

into a little rubber bag.

Man: Chateau Margot, '66.

Cleau de mouche, '76, Ah.

( speaks foreign language )

'78.

Oh, my.

You have a remarkable
family of wines here, Mr. Hart.

Well, that's why we wanted
the world's best protection

for our cellar, Cecil.

Cellar, Mr. Hart?

Oh, no, that will never do.

A monastery,

a nursery where your
precious children rest,

maturing, waiting
to come of age.

To get their corks popped.

Cecil: Now let me explain Grape
Guard's security system to you.

It is essentially a
very simple system

though may appear
somewhat complicated.

It's fabricated in America,

though it does use
Japanese components.

Nevertheless, it has
proven itself to be

remarkably reliable.

Now we've placed over three
dozen heat sensitive switches

like this one
throughout the room.

Oh, yes, we wouldn't want
the little ones to get too warm.

Well, it would be somewhat
disconcerting, Mrs. Hart,

not to mention costly
to discover oneself

to be the proud owners
of one of the world's

most expensive collection
of salad dressings.

Quite.

Now then, the heat
sensors are connected

to a central alarm
box over here.

And if by chance the room
becomes uninhabitable

for the wine, Grape
Guard's swap team

would be immediately alerted.

What is a swap team?

Ah.

Spirits Wines
Aperitif Protection.

And should we be unable
to reach you by telephone,

our concerned enologist
would be dispatched

to remedy the situation.

Is that light supposed to be

flashing on and
off like that, Cecil?

Just as a slight aside Mr. Hart,

I would rather prefer Cecil.

And yes, indeed, that
light should be lighted.

And for your sake, I hope it is,

for that is your
auxiliary power indicator.

Oh, you have your own generator.

Well, it is your
generator now, Mrs. Hart.

And please understand
that it's very important

that should your power fail,

your cooling system would fail

and then what would happen
to your precious children?

It will become very
important to you,

your backup generator
would automatically switch on

and our office
would be notified.

I'm trying to think what
more I should tell you.

- Darling?
- Oh, well

I don't think there's any
more we need to know.

Bottoms up.

Bottoms up indeed.

Jonathan: Now that
Cecil's gone... Cecil.

We can have some lunch.

Wonderful, I'm starving.

What have we got for lunch, Max?

Max, what's the matter?

Remember that ad I answered
last year looking for a pen pal?

Yes.

And you got one, what
was her name, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth Tisdale,
living happily in New York

and too afraid to
fly to grab a plane

to come out and see me.

Well, what's wrong?

I forgot about the train.

Mr. H, I got to get out of town,

maybe I could take
my vacation early.

What's the problem, Max?

She's gonna be very
unpleasantly surprised,

surprised that I
don't own this house,

that I don't own the Rolls Royce

and that you're not
serving me lunch.

I invented a few little
things to impress her.

- Listen...
- Don't say it, Mr. H,

I'm stupid enough as it is.

But Elizabeth has this
big house in New York,

an entire staff to service her,

I thought I'd be boring
unless I invented

a few little things
about myself.

Tell her I'm in the
hospital in quarantine.

Max, you can't run
away from things forever.

Quarantine won't
work, she'll wait.

Tell her I passed
away unexpectedly,

nothing serious, I was happy.

I just went to sleep quietly
one night and didn't wake up.

When is she due?

When is she due, Max?

In an hour.

Both: An hour?

Well, I made my noose, I
guess I'll have to hang in it.

Maybe not.

Last time I felt
like this, Mr. H,

I was explaining that
my losses at Santa Anita

were a business deduction.

Jonathan: You'll do fine, Max.

( doorbell rings )

Hello. I'm Elizabeth Tisdale.

Yes, please come in.

Elizabeth.

Max.

Max: Your picture
doesn't do you justice.

I was just about to say
the same thing to you.

- My luggage.
- Oh, sure, I'll get it.

I'll take care of that, sir.

Perhaps Ms. Tisdale would
like to have some refreshments

after her long journey,
I'll take care of her things.

Oh, thanks, Jonathan.

That's a good idea,

how about you and I
have a little cocktail?

How was your trip?

Confining.

Somehow train travel
isn't quite as romantic

as you'd like it to be.

Oh, I love your
place, it's so homey.

Yeah, I think of
all my properties,

I like this the best.

Oh, yes.

- Here, Elizabeth.
- Thank you.

Sir, is there anything you need?

I'm not sure,
Mrs. H... Jennifer.

Jennifer, this is Ms. Tisdale.

Elizabeth, Jennifer.

Nice to meet you.

Ma'am.

Dinner in an hour?

That'll be fine, Jennifer.

Very good, thank you.

Oh, you're very lucky,

good servants are almost
impossible to come by.

I let them know that
at least once a day.

How nice.

To you.

( clinking )

To us.

- How's it going?
- It seems to be going okay.

( buzzer )

Oh.

I win.

It's the dining room.

You rang, sir?

( buzzer )

You rang, sir?

I have to keep reminding
myself that this was our idea.

No, it was your idea.

Mine?

( buzzer )

Darling, can I help you?

Yes, you could type
up our references.

You rang, sir?

Finished, Elizabeth?

Yes, thank you.

You can clear, Jonathan.

Sir.

Oy.

How is the dessert coming?

Are they finished?

They must have been starving.

They hardly touched their
meat. Didn't they like the roast?

What? Oh, no, I'm sure
that they liked it very much,

it's just that I
may be have been

a little over generous
with the carving

and also the soup
was very filling.

It was consommé.

Well, maybe that new
butcher gave a us a bad cut,

you know, a cheaper
piece of meat.

No, no, no, no, I got the
same cut I always get,

Everything was identical.

I made it just the
way you like it.

Here, you have a taste of it.

You tell me what you think.

There you go, what do you think?

Just like always.

- Good.
- Aren't you a little...

overdressed tonight
with the... Oh...

I'll take it off.

Now, darling, you know,

I am a... I'm a secure

and reasonably capable
woman, am I not?

You're more than
capable, darling.

How's the dessert coming?

And you know my entire life's
happiness does not depend

on whether or not
you like my roast.

Of course not.

So you can be
perfectly honest with me.

You can tell me if there's
anything that isn't exactly

four-star about the meat,
you can be perfectly...

It's perfect, it's
perfect, honestly.

I mean, I look forward
to Max's night out

in the kitchen, really.

Oh, good.

Well, I'm just gonna put a
little more cream on top of this.

Is the coffee ready?

You know, if I was
going to say anything,

I would say that perhaps there
was a touch too much tarragon.

Oh?

Well, thank you.

What I mean is,

it's too much if
you're not expecting it.

If you were warned
ahead of time,

you might...

It's nothing, just the
dishwasher cycling.

My apologies, sir.

There'll be a slight delay
before the dessert is served.

That's fine, Jonathan.

Oh, Jonathan, tell Jennifer

she put too much
tarragon in the beef again.

Jonathan: Gee, darling,
it's been a long time

since we've been in Max's room.

I'm exhausted.

Me too.

How long is Elizabeth staying?

I don't know, but I
hope she goes soon.

- Good night.
- Good night.

( Freeway barking )

( growling )

( Freeway whimpers )

Frank: Don't worry. pooch,
you'll be fine in the morning.

( snoring )

Shh.

Frank, what are you doing here?

I just came by to see how
my favorite aunt was doing.

How are you, Auntie El?

I want to know how you found me.

You know you
really shouldn't leave

your personal mail lying around.

I mean, anyone could read it.

But not everyone would.

Look, I don't know
why you're here,

but we can't talk now.

Please, please leave.

So you really landed a big one?

That I suppose is...

explains why you're here.

Are you kidding?

Auntie El, look around.

I mean, this little
pen pal of yours,

he's loaded.

Get out of here.

Not until I get what I came for.

Yes, get me the police.

Go ahead.

But remember,

we both have something to hide.

Yes, I... I want to
report a break in.

I'm at...

I'm not kidding.

I need money.

You're in trouble again.

Nothing a small fortune in gold

and silver and
paintings wouldn't cure.

But you see, I'm more
honest than you are.

I'd rather steal a
fortune than marry one.

Get out of here, now.

Oh, I forgot my jacket.

Hold this.

Sometimes it's hard to
believe you and I are related.

Don't you come back here, Frank.

Good morning, Max.

Hi, how'd you sleep?

Like a baby.

Hey, I'm impressed.

Eggs Max, I make
'em all the time.

Really?

I would've thought your servants
would prepare breakfast for you.

Well, yeah, sure but
they had a very tough day,

I always let 'em sleep late.

You let your
servants sleep late?

Well, that's very generous.

Well, as I always
say, a happy domestic

is a productive domestic.

As long as it doesn't
get out of hand.

Oh, Max, we're alone.

Give me a cup of coffee
please, right in the vein.

Yeah, sure, Jennifer.

Oh, I'm so tired, did you
get the paper this morning?

Max.

Generosity is one thing,

but this is socialism.

Oh... miss... ma'am.

Did you sleep well?

I hope you realize
how lucky you are

to be employed
by a man like this.

Not many employers
would allow their servants

to just walk into a room
and order breakfast.

Oh, I didn't order, I hinted.

You've never tasted
Jennifer's coffee.

We have a deal, I
don't dust the furniture

and she doesn't
go near the coffee.

I don't go near it.

Oh, Jennifer, Elizabeth
and I will have breakfast

on the patio.

Very good, sir.

I'll be right with you.

Darling, you've spent
ten minutes on that side.

Last time I was making beds,

they came by and
bounced a quarter on them.

Here, try it, go ahead.

See what I mean?

Well, I don't think you
have to worry, darling.

Elizabeth wasn't in the Navy.

Darling,

did Max move the
Revere candlesticks?

No, last time I saw them
they were right over there.

Well, maybe Max moved them.

Why would he do that?

Well, this is the last of it.

Darling, you haven't seen
my emerald ring, have you?

I put it right up there
when I took it off last night.

It's not over here.

But it can't just
have disappeared,

I wouldn't have
misplaced a thing like that.

Well, maybe you
left it in Max's room.

No, I wouldn't have left
it in Max's room, darling.

I took it off and put it
right up there last night.

Well, why would you leave your
emerald ring out here in the first place,

- I don't understand that.
- Because I was washing dishes

last night and I took
it... why are we arguing?

All of a sudden things are disappearing
ever since Elizabeth got here.

Champagne.

( shouts )

Maybe I should've knocked.

Tony.

Tony... No, look, Frank.

Look, I don't like to mix
business with pleasure,

or I guess I should say
business with business.

I'll wait in the living room.

Hey, this is a private suite,
I could call hotel security.

Shh.

Why don't you go lock
yourself up in the bathroom?

It's okay, honey, it's okay.

Tony, Tony,

you should've told me
you were coming into town.

No I mean it, I
did try to call you,

- but then it was last minute.
- I know, I know.

You know, these things
happen, something came up.

And, Tony, what I
wanted to tell you was,

is I'm working on this really
big money deal out here.

- I'm gonna pay you back...
- Nice hotel, Frank.

What's this place going for,
$200, $300 a night, yeah?

No, what are you kidding?

I mean, you've come up a
long way since New York.

You're not careful, you're
gonna go down a few feet.

Tony, Tony please.

Now listen to me, I
mean, it's my aunt,

she's got this boyfriend,
he's some Bel Air millionaire.

I mean, you've got to
see this guy's house,

- it's worth a fortune.
- I'm not here to house hunt,
Frank.

No, Tony, listen to me.

There's all kinds of stuff
in there we can fence.

Overnight.

And my aunt, I mean
she's got this old guy

wrapped around
her little finger.

Does this old guy live alone?

No, two servants,
one male, one woman.

We go in, it's a two-hour job,

we clean it out and I'll pay
you back everything I owe you,

I swear to God.

What do you say?

I say that...

you just bought yourself
a couple of more days.

Thank you, Tony, thank you.

But you got to be
realistic about this, Frankie.

Because you can't
run away from me.

I wasn't planning to.

Or else you're gonna die trying.

Thank you, Max, I had
such a wonderful day.

I'm glad.

Oh, I don't know about you,

but with all the eating

and the shopping
and the excitement,

I'm really bushed.

I'm happy that you
had such a good time.

You know, Max, your letters
were always so warm and special.

But you're so much
more than that.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

What is it, Jonathan?

If there's nothing else...

There's nothing for
you two, good night.

That'll be all, thank you.

Sir, could we have a word
with you in the kitchen?

It won't take a moment.

I'll see you in the morning.

Good night.

Sorry, Max, but it can't wait.

I don't understand it, Mr. H.

Why would a woman like Elizabeth

swipe things she could buy?

People steal for a lot of
different reasons, Max.

Sometimes it's
just to get attention.

She's getting lots of attention.

Max, no one else
has been in the house.

I really think you're
going to have to ask her.

What can I say, Mr. H?

There are a lot of things
missing around the house

and we've been wondering,
maybe you swiped 'em?

You don't have to
put it that way, Max.

I know this is going to
be difficult, but really.

Okay, I'll do it, but
I'll handle it my way.

I think I can check things
out without her ever knowing.

We'll see you in the morning.

Sure, thanks.

By the way, I'm
taking Elizabeth out

to the harness
races tomorrow night.

I'd appreciate it if
one of you would see

that the car was
washed before then.

Now take it easy on that.

You've got a big
week ahead of you.

Tell me about this alarm.

It's already out.

It wasn't easy though.

This old man, he's got an
alarm system that's unbelievable.

I rigged the indicator
light to make it look like

it's still working.

What about the front gate?

No problem. I'll take care
of that from the inside,

by the time you get
there it'll already be done.

I'm impressed Frankie.

Just goes to show
what you can do

when you... your life
hangs in the balance.

Now...

I usually don't take
such exposed position

when collecting my debts

and what that means
is I don't like to get,

I don't want to
get traced to this.

No, no, no, wait a minute,

if it's my aunt
you're worried about,

she won't talk.

And the old man and the help,

they won't be no problem.

Well, I know that.

Because by the time anybody
finds out where they're buried,

they're not gonna be in any
condition to do any talking.

Well, hello again.

I hope I didn't disturb you.

Oh, no.

Look, Jennifer and
Jonathan are asleep.

We've got the place
all to ourselves.

Yes?

How about you
and I sneaking down

and getting some hot cocoa?

Oh, that would be nice.

Oh, I forgot
something in my room.

Would you please go
and put on the milk?

I'll be right down.

Oh, sure, but don't be too long.

Two shakes.

( barking )

Hello, Freeway.

I bet you'd like a treat.

You know what?

When Max and I
went shopping today,

we got something just for you.

I'll tell you what,
you wait here

and I'll go up and get it

and then we'll all have our own

little late night party, okay?

Be right back.

Max, how nice.

Let's just be careful
not to wake the servants.

Trust me, Mr. H, she's okay.

I had a good chance
to check things out,

if she'd taken anything
it would be in her room.

Well, I'm happy
about that, Max, but...

Good morning, ma'am.

Good morning.

I hope everybody
slept well. I know I did.

Am I interrupting something?

No, it's just a little
domestic problem.

Some things are
missing from the house.

Oh?

I know I should've
said something before,

but I was sure Frank
would listen to me.

I'm sorry, Max.

It's all my fault.

No, it's my fault, I
let things go too far.

Elizabeth, in all my letters...

( gunshots )

Hello, Auntie El.

I finally get to meet
some of your friends.

I know you're a
lot of things, Frank,

but I didn't think
you were stupid.

It's dead.

( gunshot )

Go ahead, if you throw that
right, you'd better make it good

'cause it'll be your last.

Go ahead.

You stop wasting my time, okay?

Now you got money
in here, where is it?

Well, you can
consider your options,

there's no alarm,
there're no phones,

the only thing that
still works is this.

Ow!

I only got 50 bucks.

Look, pop, don't be stupid,

tell him where the money is.

I'll handle this.

I know you got a
safe here, where is it?

Look at you, you guys
don't know where you are,

this is Los Angeles,
you use credit cards,

who needs cash?

I'll tell you where it is.

I'm listening.

First, we make a deal.

I'm tired of taking care
of a fat cat like that.

Now just a minute.

Caring after a man
who hides his money,

who could get us all killed.

We make a deal, we
split what we find, huh?

You let me and my wife go,

I don't care what
happens to them.

Untie them.

I'll put my aunt
and him upstairs.

You signed my death
warrant, Jonathan.

You're the man
with all the money,

maybe you could
buy yourself a new life.

Think it's in the wine cellar?

The old man's smart.

We'll take a look down here.

Look at this,

there must be a fortune
in wine down here.

The safe's...

probably behind one
of these wall racks.

What do you mean probably?

I thought you knew.

You don't think the
old man scrooge

would leave me a
blueprint, do you?

All I know is he would
come down here with his cash

and when he came back upstairs

he had a smug look on his face.

Got a match?

No.

It's back in here.

Well, then you'd better
start moving bottles.

I could use a hand.

Max, I'm sorry,
this is all my fault.

You can't blame
yourself, Elizabeth.

Yes, I can.

Max, I lied to you.

Elizabeth, listen.

No, please let me say this.

You know when I... when I
put my ad in that magazine?

I wanted to meet
someone just like you.

Only I thought I had to
be someone just like you.

I don't have any servants,

I don't have a townhouse
on Central Park West.

I'm only a cook,

I have a small savings account

and a rotten conscience.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Max.

You have every right to hate me.

I have no right
at all, Elizabeth.

I got to tell you
something, too.

When I read your ad, I
wanted to impress you,

so I stretched things a little.

I'm no millionaire,
I just work for one.

I'm only a cook, just like you.

Hey, that's neat.

So we both lied. ( laughing )

It's dead.

My God, we've got to hurry, man.

The wines are fragile.

Go, man, go!

Well, what do I know?

Maybe it's over there.

You've got about a second
to come up with a better story.

Cecil: Mr. Hart?

Oh, my God.

My children.

Oh, no, Oh, no.

No, no, not the... (
speaks foreign language )

Take the chablis.

Darling.

Mr. Hart, please, the children.

They've been bumped and jostled

and all this
confusion upset them.

We survived it, they will.

Oh, Mr. Hart, you
don't understand.

The wine never forgets.

Well, that did it for Cecil.

Cecil.

Champagne?

I don't mind if I do.

Cheers, darling.

To downstairs, upstairs.

Cheers.

At least the champagne
didn't go to waste.

Did you get Elizabeth
settled in her hotel?

Yeah, thanks, Mrs. H.

We might go to
the beach tomorrow,

is it okay if I
take the day off?

Sure, Max.

Well, it's nice to
see that you two

can take care of the
house on your own,

nearly as good as I can.

Come on, Freeway.

Three's a crowd.

I didn't know we
were that convincing.

No, I knew you'd look
cute in that maid's uniform.

Oh, do you think so?

Uh-huh.

With that little feather duster.

Well, you looked pretty
cute in your white gloves.

Smile when you say
that, ma'am, smile.

Hmm.

What is it?

Nothing, it was fine.

No bells?

No fireworks?

Oh, no, no, it was
perfect, really perfect.

Darling, honestly, you can
say anything you want to me,

I won't be offended, I mean...

Oh, I got it.

Too much tarragon.

( laughs )

( music playing )

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