Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 4, Episode 9 - One Hart Too Many - full transcript

Max: This is my
boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of
them, which ain't easy,

'cause when they
met, it was murder.

( theme music playing )

( dog barks )

It'll only be for four days,

but I'll miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

We have clearance, Mr. Hart.

Be right with you.

Did I say I'm going to miss you?

But you can say it again.

I'm going to miss you.

I admire you people, Mrs. H.


Some people have to
be together all the time.


- It's only
for four days, Max.
- I know.

He's got business in New York

and you got to start
your health farm story.

Fitness center, Max.

Grey Gables Fitness
Center for Women.

Should be fun.

It's the hottest new
health spot in town.

Yeah, I guess it will be fun.

Oh, by the way, Max,
when we get there,

don't forget I'm registered
as Jennifer Edwards.

- I gotcha.
- ( engine starts )

Man: Your mother's
maiden name, quickly.

My mother's maiden
name is "Worchester."

Man: "Wooster."

But it's spelled W-O-R-C-E-S...

And it is pronounced "Wooster."

It is right here in
your briefing sheet.

I'm sorry. I forgot.

You are not ready.

Go back and study everything.

I'll see you again tomorrow.

What are you so worried about?

I know this stuff well enough.


A mistake like
that on the outside

and the consequences
could be disastrous.

Get out of here.

We have killed
to make this work.

We can't afford
mistakes! Get out!

Max: This looks more like
a prison than a health spa.

Jennifer: Fitness center, Max.

Oh, hello.

My name is Jennifer
Edwards. I have a reservation.

We're expecting you. But
men are not allowed here.

- I'm just helping...
- Thank you for your help, sir.

- Bye.
- Come along,
Miss Edwards.

- Miss Edwards, Dr. Straker.
- How do you do, Doctor?

Ah, yes. Welcome, Miss Edwards.

Thank you.

Victoria, see to
her bags. Room 11.

I'll have it taken care
of immediately, Doctor.

Thank you.

I'm Harrison Straker,
Miss Edwards,

but we're quite informal here.

Most people call me Doc.

Most people call me Jennifer.

Well, Jennifer, I must
say I'm a bit suspicious

about your visit here.


I know our brochure claims that
even the most beautiful woman

can be made more beautiful,

but improving you may be
beyond even our capacity.

Oh, well, you're very kind.

But actually, I want to
get into top flight condition.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

Come, I'll show you around.

- ( music playing )
- In addition to a controlled
diet, we offer swimming,

water ballet, aerobic dance,

calisthenics, jogging.

Whatever turns you
on, builds you up,

or trims you down
as the case may be.

Instructor: Yes, it's
burning. If it's not, take it up.

Lock the elbows. Really feel it.

Over and back.

Work it up and up.

Two, press it up. Smile, breath!

Well, this sounds as
if it's going to be fun.

The harder you work,
the more fun it'll be.

There are no distractions here.

No phones except the emergency
phone in my office, of course.

No radios or television, no men.

Nothing to induce stress.


As you see, certain
areas are posted off-limits.

Please observe them.
They're there for your protection.

Now, your room is at the
end of this corridor on your left.

If you hurry, you can still
make your aerobic dance class.

- Hurry.
- Thank you, Doctor.

- ( music playing )
- Instructor: Inhale up.

Exhale out.

Again, swing it up.

Exhale. One more time.

Lift it up.

Exhale out.

Over to the right.

Two. Now the left.

Two, flat back.

Swing through.

Bring it up.

Two. Right again with the waist.

And the left.

Flat back.

Swing through and up.

Two. Right again.

Work that waist, and left.

Burn it! Flat back.

Swing through.

Bring it up.

Two, take it down.

Into the legs,
ladies. That's right.

Point those toes.

Now flex, point, flex, point.

Flex, over on the side.

Roll over up on the elbow.

That's right, working the legs.

Take it up, down, up, down.

Down. Isn't this wonderful?

Pick up those thighs, ladies.

You've got 'em, now lift 'em.

Lift them? They've
been asleep for years.

Oh, come on, Christine.

Stop those affairs
you've been having.

Long weekends with
fettuccini and cheese fondue.

- Move it!
- This is as much
as it moves.

Oh, all right.

Chow time. Bon appetit!

Some of you deserved your lunch.

( mocking ) "Some of
you deserved your lunch."

Easy for you to say.

I wonder if she reads lips.


- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

Now you'll see why we only
need 10 minutes for lunch.

- Oh.
- Hi, I'm Christine Garrett.

- Jennifer Edwards.
- Oh, nice meeting you.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

Both: Oh.

Let's see.

Five vitamin pills,
10 sunflower seeds,

a teaspoon of alfalfa sprouts,

and, uh... And
one piece of lint.

- Low-caloried, I'm sure.
- ( chuckles )

Well, not to worry.

I have the seven deadly
sins stashed in my room.

What's that?

Oh, you know,

marshmallows, corn chips.

Oh, yes, and Mrs. Bliggendorf's
nougat chunk cookies.

That must be quite a suitcase.

Oh, it's a steamer trunk.

But, Christine, why do
you bother to come here

if you don't do the exercises
and you cheat on the diet?

Oh, it's the story of my life.

Why did I marry Harry?

Harry was a creep.

Even if he did die and
leave me $2.5 million.


See, I start out with
very good intentions.

But after a while, it's back
to the nougat chunkies.

Be prepared, right?

But you could try
to do the exercises.

I'll bet I could be as good

as Miss Limber Limbs over there.


Oh! Oh!

Oh, charley horse,
charley horse!

What do I do?

- Now flex.
- Flex.

- And push.
- I am pushing.

Oh, could you help push?

- What's that, a burn?
- Oh, no.

It's my strawberry birthmark.

- ( groaning )
- Better?

Oh, that's better.

Oh, that's it.

Thanks a lot.

Come around after dinner tonight

and we'll have dinner.

You know what I mean?

I know what you mean,
but I'm not cheating.

Come around anyway.

I hate to eat alone.

Room 15, okay?

- Deal?
- Deal.

Here, help me up. Help me.

All right.

I'll never dance again.

- But I can always teach.
- Yeah.

Now, Jennifer, mangez, mangez.


Can I help you?

Oh, I just thought as
long as I was jogging,

I might take a look at the
surrounding countryside.

Uh-uh. Need a pass for that.

Oh. Well, where do I get a pass?

I'm not sure.

Never saw anyone with one.

Better check at the office.

Uh-huh, thank you.

( phone ringing )

That is off-limits,
Miss Edwards!

Oh, I know that.

But, you see,
Dr. Straker said that

there was only one telephone
in his office, and I just heard...

You heard the one in the office.

But that was over...

Sound travels strangely in
this quiet place, Miss Edwards.

Oh, I see.

Well... I'll just...

Jennifer, you'll have something?

No, no, thank you.

I really appreciate
you stopping by.

Make yourself comfortable.

Jennifer, live.

You're gonna fade away.

( door opens )

- What was that?
- I don't know.


have you ever wondered
what's in that building?

Beats me.

You know, the people
here are nice and polite,

but there are two things
they don't want you to do.

One is to leave the grounds,

two is to get interested
in what's in that building.

Come on, walk you to your room.

Victoria over phone: Edwards?

No, there's no one on
our staff by that name.

She's a guest.

Oh, Jennifer Edwards.

I'm sorry, guests
are not allowed

to receive phone calls
except in emergencies.

Well, I thought that...

Is this an emergency, sir?

Well, it all depends on what
you mean by an emergency.

Is it a matter of life or death?

I guess not.

Well, sorry I can't help you.

Thank you. Good night.

( whispering ) Christine,
tell me something.

What do you think
about this place?

Well, they try hard,

but they set a better
table at the zoo.

- Nice rooms, though.
- I mean, the security.

Don't you think the heavy
security is a little spooky?

Well, it could be worse.

Suppose they went
through our rooms

with a junk food detector.

- ( chuckles )
- Just down there.

We'll make the switch tonight.

How will you get rid of her?

My dear, I don't think
you want to know.

But believe me, tomorrow there'll
be only one Christine Garrett

and that one will be you.


- Good morning.
- Morning.

- May I join you?
- Oh, do.

Well, how are you doing?

Last night, I dreamed of
cheese blintzes and sour cream.

But other than that, I'm fine.

Did you ever wonder
just how they puff rice?

I think it's the air
that fills you up.

But at least you've got
something to fall back on.

Yeah, I know.

A few more days of this
rabbit food, I should lose it.

I mean, the seven deadly sins.

What about them?

Christine, all the
puffed rice in the world

won't hold up to
cookies and guacamole.

What are you talking about?

After this much torture,

what would I do with
cookies and guacamole?

Are you all right?

Sure. Why?

Well, I don't
know, but last night

you were awfully
anxious to indulge.

Well, when in Rome...

You know what I
mean. ( chuckles )

Well, I'll go warm up.

See you at the pool.

Let's go, ladies.
Pick up the pace.

3,500 calories
is a pound of fat.

Keep breathing! Exhale!

You love this, you know it.

That's why you're here.

That's right, keep smiling.

Keep going, keep...

That one! Jennifer Edwards.

- I think she's onto me.
- Makes me nervous.

What makes you think so?

She asks a lot of questions.

I'm not sure she
believes the answers.

All right.

Just go on as if
nothing is happening.

I'll check her out.

And speaking of checking
out, when do I get out of here?

Maybe sooner than you expected.

I certainly hope so.

What are you gonna do?

She must have left a call in
case of emergency number.

It'll be in my office.

I think I'd better look for it.

I know. I miss him, too.

Keep busy, find something
to take your mind off it.

( phone rings )

Hart residence.

Is Jennifer there, please?

No, I'm sorry.

Mrs. H. is at Grey Gables.

Can I tell her who's
calling, please?

Her real name is Jennifer Hart.

That means she's Jonathan
Hart's wife, the big industrialist.

I was just reading about them.

Wait a second. Oh, here it is.

"$500,000 was raised at the
benefit to save endangered wildlife."

Now get this.

"The prize was
awarded by Jennifer Hart,

the celebrated author and
journalist who is just delighted to..."

Let me see that.

Straker: This tells
me she's a reporter.

And a good one.

That makes her a danger to us.

Not necessarily, but
keep an eye on her.

( music playing )

Instructor: Once again,
one, two, three, four!

Get those pectoral
muscles in shape.

You know what I'm
talking about, ladies.

Out! Lift!

Two, three, four!

To the right. Work the waist!

Three, four, hold it out.

Press it there, feel the burn!

Good work, ladies!

Lift it! Two, three, four.

Again, one, two, three, four.

And the side to the right.

Press it out! Burn it!

Work it! Out!

Do you think Flipper
started this way?

Get with it, ladies!

You look like you're
rehearsing to play the Titanic.

They must feed her
raw meat in the mornings.

- ( chuckles )
- Take a 10-minute break.

- Oh!
- ( music stops )

Oh! Ooh!

Well, my boyfriend

is certainly going to
approve of this place.

What's to not approve?

You didn't need to lose any
weight when you came in here.

But when I go home, I'm
gonna be in bed for a week.

I'll be fit as a fiddle
with no one to fiddle with.

It's too bad Harry isn't around.

Well, I'm getting as
much exercise as you are.

What do you think?

- Oh, it looks great.
- Mm-hmm.

It's called Plum Crazy.


How's everything
going, Miss Edwards?

Oh, fine.

Full of surprises.

Did you want something?

Uh, no, no, nothing important.

Good, good.


( piano playing )

Call her, Jonathan.

I'd like it...

Leonard, would you
bring us a phone, please?

I want you to feel your very
best for that meeting tomorrow.

I'll be fine.

You'd be better.

The place that she's at says
that phone calls are stressful.

Guests are only
allowed emergency calls.

It's an emergency.

Look, Jonathan, I'm
a major stockholder,

and I'm telling you
it's an emergency.

And as far as the stress goes,

it'll reduce hers and yours.

That's it.

In a couple of minutes,
you'll both feel better.

Excuse me for a while.

- Thanks very much, Richard.
- ( ringing )

Grey Gables.
Dr. Straker speaking.

Jennifer Edwards,
please. It's an emergency.

I'm sorry.

Miss Edwards cannot
be reached at the moment.

Is there a problem, Doctor?

No, there's no problem, sir.

It's just that Miss
Edwards is not in her room.

Could you page her?

Please, I understand
that this is urgent.

I'll be glad to take a message

and see that she gets
it as soon as possible.

Ask her to call Mr. Jonathan.

She knows the number.

Yes, Mr. Jonathan,

I'll take care of
that immediately.

Obviously, Jonathan Hart.

A husband lonely
for his wife's voice?

Perhaps, but from here on in,

we need to know
what that wife learns

as soon as she learns it.

The sooner that one of these

is placed in her
room, the better.

Right now if she's
at the movies.

I'll do it first thing
in the morning.

- No...
- She won't learn
anything tonight.

( women laughing )

Are you going to be
here for the next hour?

At least.

We have two widows out there
living lives that we created for them

and slow in their payments.

Make sure they understand
just how risky that can be.

I have a nasty piece of
evidence to dispose of.

He didn't just make the
switch, he murdered Christine.

Jennifer, I want you
to get out of there.

I want you to leave
this to the police.

Jonathan, I can't!

I'm onto the
story of a lifetime.

Christine's inheritance
was over $2 million.

If he can get away with this,
well, then there's no end to...

Is something wrong?

Is something wrong?

Jennifer: Yes, it's wonderful.

The countess will love it.

And be sure she understands

that there are absolutely
no men allowed here.

What kind of countess
do you have in mind?


Tell the Countess Von
Hardigan that it's very important.

You know how upset she's
been since the count died.

I'll tell her about that.

She'll be there in the morning.

She will?

Oh, wonderful!

Well, thank you
very much, Archie.


Oh, Dr. Straker!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry for
having used your phone,

but Victoria was
on the other one

and I just had to get a
message through to the countess.

You know, of course, the
Countess Von Hardigan?

Oh, she's been so upset
since the count died,

even though he left her

one of the richest
women in the world.

This place would
be perfect for her.

How in heaven's
name did you know

there was a phone in here?

Oh, I heard it.

And I... I had to try and
get through to the countess

before she left the country.

I think she's going
to be here tomorrow.

Is that all right?

( chuckles )

Yes, it's perfectly
all right, Mrs. Hart.

You are Jennifer Edwards Hart,

the wife of a business
executive I have never met

but have always admired.

Maybe someday you'll
get a chance to meet him.

I hope so.

You're also a rather
well-known journalist.

I can only conclude

that you are planning
to do a story on my place

and that is why you
are here incognito.

Dr. Straker...

you are very perceptive.

Well, Mrs. Hart, if you'd have
let me in on your little secret,

I could have made
it easier for you.

Please feel free
to use the phone

in my office at any time.

And if you have questions
about Grey Gables,

don't hesitate to ask me.

On the other hand, if you prefer

to discover things in
your own way, go to it.

Oh, thank you so
much, Dr. Straker.

May I walk you to your room?

Oh, no, no. No.

No, that's not necessary.

That's very kind of you,
but I... I can find my way.

- Good night, Doctor.
- 'Night.

Jonathan: Max, your moustache.

I gotta have it, Mr. H.

These people have seen
me before, remember?

Jonathan: I know,
but it's moved.

Jennifer: Ah, here
she is, Dr. Straker.

Right on time.

Countess! Oh!

It's so good to see you again.

So good to see you, too.

This is Dr. Straker.

Miss Edwards has told
us all about you, Countess.

Welcome to Grey Gables.

I appreciate everything
you're doing for me so.

Countess, we have
a long waiting list.

We're a little
pressed for space.

But for a friend
of Miss Edwards...

if you wouldn't mind sharing a
room with her for a few days...

It would be my pleasure.

Yes, of course.

Good. Shall we go?

Oh, just this way.

Why, you look wonderful, dear!

Thank you.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah, take these.

Okay. Thanks.

Countess, I always
arrange to have a little chat

with each entering guest
before she begins the program.

But, unfortunately, I'm tied
up for the next hour or so.

Could we talk after
your exercise class?


Miss Edwards, would you help
the countess get ready for her class?

Of course.

Victoria will supply any
equipment you may need.

Thank you.

This way.

It's a lovely room.

( chuckles )

Well, what do you think?

I think you need a
little more padding.

Just a little bit.

Oh, boy, are you going
to be hot in this outfit

when we start
doing calisthenics.

Well, I really don't have
too much of a choice.

What do you think
of the legs? Okay?

I think your legs are beautiful.

A little hairy for a countess,

but I love them.

Jennifer's voice: And then
the next day, this Christine

didn't even remember
the seven deadly sins

and there was no
strawberry mark on her foot.

Jonathan: What about the
body in the cold storage room?

Jennifer: It had a
strawberry mark on the foot.

I'm sure it was Christine.

Jonathan: During the flight, I
made a couple of phone calls.

Harrison Straker...
Nine years ago,

he was top-rated
plastic surgeon.

Jennifer: Plastic surgeon?

Jonathan: Darling, I
think what they're doing

is bringing rich widows
in here, creating doubles,

and then sending them
out to take over the estates.

Then they kill the widows.

And that's what
happened to Christine.

We've got to get into
that cold storage room.

Come on.

Here, let's see.

Oh, gorgeous.

Come on, Countess, after you.

Thank you.

- ( music playing )
- And up!

Kick it out to the side!

Concentrate on
what you're doing!

Now please reach!

Work those legs!

Exhale, ladies!

I don't hear you breathing.

I know you must be.

That's right, take it back.

Chest is up.
Chest is up, ladies.

Five, six, now up.

Switch. Switch and twist.

Twist, twist!

That's right. Keep
your posture up!

Work those legs!

Kick it out in front.

Just a little, not too hard.

That's right, very nice.

Isn't this fun?

Follow me. I know
what I'm doing.

And up.


Countess Von Hardigan?

We'll have to postpone our
meeting until this evening.

Victoria and I
must go into town.

Oh, will you be gone long?

The whole afternoon, I'm afraid.

We're building a new wing

and we have to appear
before the zoning board.

So we'll have our chat
as soon as I get back.

Instructor: And up. Work, lift.

Burn it. That's why we're here!

I care.

That's right, up, up!

Energy, keep
breathing, lots more!

And elbows up, up!

Lift those elbows!

Lift, lift!

Let me see you work those arms!

Oh, no!

Up, up, up.

Keep going.

Up, up. Don't stop.

I want to hear you breathing.

( groaning )

All right, what's going on?

It's the countess's first day.

She's a little...
- Pooped?
- Pooped.

I'll just... I'll just
take her to her room.



There's one in every platoon.

Keep going!

Lift! Work those arms up!

Lift it up!

How'd you get in here before?

- Nail file.
- Have you got one?

We won't need it.

This way.

The strawberry mark
is on her right foot.

You don't have
to worry, darling.

It's only U.S. Choice.

- ( banging )
- Jonathan and Jennifer: Help!

- Help!
- Anybody out there?

It's no use. No one
will ever hear us.

- What's going on?
- We're in a crisis.

We'll have to
move this operation.

I'll have to get you started
earlier than expected.

- When?
- Tonight.

You're well briefed
on Mrs. Garrett.

You're going to have to
become Mrs. Garrett now.

And they're not
probating Mr. Garrett's will

for another couple of months.

Oh, don't worry.

Everything is going to be fine.

I think I could even
fool her own mother.

You'll have to. She's
become your mother.

How will I know
where to contact you?

Don't worry.

I'll know where you are
every second of every day.

All right. I'll get
started right away.

Get your things together.


Sweetheart, look.
Try not to talk.

Just save your energy.

But, darling, if I
never told you before,

you're everything I ever wanted.


There must be a
fire detector in here

that sets off the alarm.

But even if the alarm went
off, Straker could shut it off.

If he could.

It might go directly
to the fire department.

If the Harts are dead,
there's no reason to run.

They are not dead.
They are just dying.

- And we can't afford
to have them found here.
- So?

So after they freeze to death,
I will dispose of the bodies.

And by that time, we'll be
located somewhere else.

Here's hoping.

( fire alarm blaring )

Where is that?

- It's in the refrigerator.
- Damn!

See if you can shut it off.

Woman: What is it?
What's happening?

No, no, no. No problem.

We're testing the alarm system.

- Sorry.
- Oh.

Hey, hey! It's okay!

They're just testing
the alarm system!

Don't panic! It's all right.

Let's hope the fire
department responds quickly.

Let's hope there
is a fire department.

The cables are sealed.
I can't shut that off.

Then help me with these boxes.

( siren wailing )

Where's the fire?

There's no fire.
Must be a false alarm.

Let's check it out.

Move the truck!

Keep an eye on
them. Don't worry.

They'll be busy long
enough for us to get away.

Refrigeration. Let's go!

- ( alarm stops )
- Oh, thank you!

Is there a fire in there?

No, I've just been carrying
a torch for this lovely lady.

This man is trespassing!

We don't permit
men at Grey Gables!

- Ow!
- Cool it, Victoria!

( engine starts )

( truck horn honks )

Maybe you ought to turn
on the flashing red lights!

I've always wanted to
do that since I was a kid!

( siren wailing )

( truck horn honking )

( honking )

Well, Straker, you could
say this is a real drag.

- ( music playing )
- Woman's voice: Let's dance
to health.

Follow each
instruction step by step.

Feet together, arms out,

stretched in front, palms up.

Rotate the arms now.

- Good.
- Thanks.

- Lieutenant Gillis
- Oh?

He said they rounded up a
half a dozen of Straker's doubles.


Woman's voice:
Opposite direction.

Well, with all those estates,

Straker certainly had a
good thing going, didn't he?

I'll say.

Woman's voice: Arms down.

Halt, turn, step.

Upper body only, bend forward.

That's it, all the way.

Tuck your stomach in.

- Take a deep breath
and hold it.
- ( inhales )

- You know something?
- What?

I like you much better now
that you're not the countess.

Woman's voice: Keep
holding and pull that stomach in.

- No more countess, then.
- Can I count on it?

Woman's voice: Isn't this fun?

Now let's go for it.

You can count on it.

( Freeway barks )

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