Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 4, Episode 7 - Rich and Hartless - full transcript

Max's prize of one million dollars in a cereal slogan contest, puts he and the Harts at risk.

Max: This is my
boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H.

She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of
them, which ain't easy.

'Cause when they
met, it was murder.

( dog barks )

- Jennifer: Darling.
- Jonathan: Hmm?

What do you think
we serve sushi?

- Sushi?
- Yeah.

- I think a barbecue
would be better.
- ( typewriter clacking )

It's more American.

American or not,

I don't think you can serve an
international board of directors

hot dogs and hamburgers.

Well, why not? We
have been on a roll.

Very funny.

( chuckles ) Thanks.

Besides, they have hot
dogs and hamburgers

in Paris, Tokyo, and Caracas.

Well, maybe you're right.

Max will come up with something.

What's he up to?

It's another cereal contest.


( Jennifer clears throat )

How many cereals have
you tasted this week?

About 25.

Between the stamps
and the cereals,

I need fourth prize
just to get even.

What's this one?

Aero Wheats.

Never heard of them.

Actually, they're not too bad.

Each piece is shaped
like a famous aircraft.

The L-1011s are pretty tasty.

The only problem
is the landing gear

- gets stuck between
your teeth.
- Oh.

Tell me. What do
you think of this?

"They're crispy, they're crunchy

They're chewy, they're munchy.

Not only for breakfast,
they're even for lunch-y."

Both: Lunch-y?

Even Shakespeare took liberties.

( phone rings )

Hart residence. Yes?

( crunching )

Nah, you got the wrong number.

Max, are you expecting
someone important to call?

Today's the deadline for the
Corn Critter cereal contest.

They said they'd
call the winners.

But, Max, there must
be over a million people

entering that contest.

But there's only one
big winner, Mrs. H.

( intercom buzzes )

Yeah, who is it?

This is Mr. Parker. Is this Max?

Are you from the IRS?


Did Brandy the bookie send you?


- Then I'm Max.
- Wonderful.

Now, I'm, um, from the
Corn Critter cereal contest

and I'm happy to tell
you that you've just won

our first prize for $1 million.

- ( thump )
- Hello? Hello, Max?

( dog whimpers )

- Max?
- Max.

You all right, Max?

Okay, Max?

I'm okay, Mrs. H.

Well, here you go, Max.

This is your first installment.

This is for $10,000.

Yes, and you will
receive a check like that

every month for
the next 10 years.

Zowie, a million samolians.

Are you sure that
this isn't a mistake?

Corn Critters doesn't
make mistakes.


- a million smackers.
- ( chuckles )

Well, I'd love to stay
for the celebration,

but I've got a desk
full of papers waiting.

A million bucks. What can I say?

Don't say anything.

Just enjoy your new life.

Mrs. Hart, Mr. Hart,
I'll see myself out.


That's fantastic.

That's terrific, Max.

Yeah, I know what
you mean, but...

- What do you mean, "but"?
- What do you mean, "but"?

Now I can do whatever I want.


What are you gonna do first?

The dishes, I guess.

How did you fare, Mr. Parker?

They fell for it,
hook, line, and sinker.

You mean the man
actually believes

he's won a million dollars?

Margaret, he's my mark.

He believes what I
want him to believe.

You two make sure
you're at the pub at 2:00.

If Max is faithful to routine,

- he'll be there,
especially today.
- And you?

I'll stay out of your
way, but I'll be there.

I want to keep an eye
out on my investment.

Our investment.

Don't worry, Gordon.

That first $10,000 is
gonna get us 5 million.

You'll get your cut.

I'll see you at the pub.

Mr. Parker can be a bit
of an irritation, can't he?

Who's the girl?

She's Zsa Zsa's maid.

Not bad.

She used to work for Marlon.

So she gets around.

I'd like to bump into
her some Thursday

or every other Sunday.

( chuckles )

Hey, hey, Mr. Rockefeller.

Ha ha. Hey, it's
Maximillian, the millionaire.

Uh, sir Maximillian, you
need a gentlemen's gentlemen.

I'll show you my references
if you show me yours.

Wait a minute. How did
you guys know already?

What do you think?

Your boss told his boss.

His boss told my boss.

I get the idea.

Well, it looks like
you're buying, Maxi.

Yeah, come on, pal.

( chattering )

A drink for everybody on
me, and, for us, the usual.

I couldn't believe it.
The check was good.

Mr. H called the bank.

- Thanks, Harry.
- Hiya, Cookie.

Care for a little
something domestic?

Maybe next time.

- Okay.
- Forget it, Max.

They're all the
same in Pasadena.

Let's go by the fire.

So, Max, one of your cockamamie
contests finally paid off, huh?

Yeah. Which one was it?

Uh, Corn Critters.
It's a cereal.

I don't eat cereal
at all. I like toast.

How many have you
entered already, Max?

I've lost count.

What did you write that
was worth seven figures?

I don't remember.

I threw most of them away.

Oh, I remember one.

"There are lions and
tigers, bears and trouts,

a boxful of critters

that melt in your mout."


That rhyme with lout?

It's called poetic license.

Well, I understand
congratulations are in order.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Chumley, Gordon
Chumley, my wife Margaret.

We're in service
with Mrs. Strathmore.

Mrs. Strathmore,
the oil lady in Bel Air?

Oil, yes, but a lady?

I must say, Mr...
You can call me Max.

I must say, Max, for a man
who's just won a million,

you don't seem very happy.

I like my work.

You hardly hear that anymore.

Gordon: I know that
if I won that much,

I'd be out before you
could say "Jeeves."

I'd have my own servants.

Max: You don't
know Mr. and Mrs. H.

I ain't exactly a servant.

Ah, one of the family, yes.

But, you know, my dear Max,

blood is thicker
than silver polish.

And I'm afraid your Mr. and
Mrs. H know who's who.

Don't be so sure.

Well, if ever you do
decide to move on,

Margaret and I are looking
for a change of employment.

A day away from Mrs. Strathmore

is like a month in the country.

Enjoy your good fortune, Max.

They got a point, Maxi.

You got all this dough, and it
ain't like they are your family.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

( dog barks )

Max: Cool it, Freeway.

You don't want to
wake up Mr. and Mrs. H.

You were pretty cute
when you were little.

I wasn't so bad myself.

Those guys think I'm crazy.

They'd take off, go
out and see the world.

You got any bright ideas?

I didn't think so.

Hey, Max.

Hey, Mr. H, what
are you doing up?

What are you doing up?

Eating, drinking.

Mayonnaise, mustard,
onions, and salami?

Is it that bad?

I got a lot of things
on my mind, Mr. H.

Hey, we go back
a long time, Max.

Want to talk about it?

It's tough, Mr. H.

You know, you dream
of something a lot,

and suddenly it
has the bad manners

to drop right in your lap.

You thinking about leaving?

The boys at the
pub say I should.

- What do you think?
- I think I don't know
what I think.


you remember when I
started Hart Industries?

You told me if I was
gonna climb to the top,

I'd have to risk
landing on my assets.

You said to me that,

"You'd have to bet your hand

in order to win the pot."

You remember that?

I remember, but that was you.

This is a great
opportunity for you.

You have to bet your hand.

Mr. H, I guess I'm
around so much I...

I don't express
about you and Mrs. H.

I'll say it.

You and Mrs. H are the best
thing that ever happened to me.

You guys are family.
You take care of me.

We care for each other.

I know, but it's more than that.

You're... it's like my home.

Sure, there are a lot of
things I'd like to do, but...

leaving you?

We'd never forget our
feelings for you, Max.

Anyway, now isn't a good time.

You got that Hart
Industry party coming up,

and Thanksgiving's
just around the corner.

There's never going
to be a right time.

We can get someone
to take care of the party,

and we'll have
Thanksgiving together.

I love you, Max.

I'm glad we had this talk.

I... I feel much better.

Me, too, Max.

Get some sleep, huh?

Sure. Good night.

Jennifer: Uh, you worked
10 years for Mrs. Strathmore?

Margaret: Yes, madame.

10 long years, until last week.

- Ah.
- We tried calling her,

and they said that
she was in the desert.

- Regrettable.
- Yes. We can only hope

that the desert finds
her as sunny as we did.


Well, I suppose 10
years with Mrs. Strathmore

is a substantial recommendation.

Thank you, madame.

I think the most
important thing is, uh,

that you have Max's
vote of confidence.

- Uh, could you
start tomorrow?
- We can start today.

- Oh, well,
that won't be necessary...
- It will be our pleasure.

We'll collect our belongings
and return this evening.

Well, uh, I
suppose it's all right.

I hope the kitchen
will be adequate.

Gordon: Margaret
will make adjustments.


Will that be all, madame?

Oh, yes.



- We'll see you later then.
- Good day.

See you this afternoon.

I don't know whether we
hired them or they hired us.



We'll be in the
house this evening.

Good, I was getting tired

of sitting on their
mailbox every day,

stealing Max's contest entries.

It's unfortunate he'll
never see another 10,000.

I'll tell you what is fortunate,

is my European
office clueing us in

on the Hart's
little get together.

The top international executives

of Hart Industries
all in one place.

One of the advantages of
being in the security business.

Well, in a few days,
we'll have $5 million

and no more servants' quarters.

And no more Hart Industries.

And possibly no more Harts.

You're going to
love it here, Max.

Oh, I knew you'd love it.

It's perfect. It's modern,

it's clean, it's you, Max.

Take my word for it.

This is me?

Comfy, isn't it?

Reva, I was just looking for
a small furnished apartment.

Max, you have to learn to think
big. I mean, a man of your means...

I have been in the
real estate business for

15 years now. And let
me tell you something.

You don't see places like
this. Take my word for it.

( sighs )

Oh, here, let me... Let
me give you a hand.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Oh, Max, I envy you.

You've got your shot at a star,

travel, adventure, romance.

Max, is there someone
special in your life now,

someone with whom perhaps
you'd like to share this last hurrah?

Don't rush it.

- I hope I got a lot
of hurrahs left in me.
- Of course.

I tell you what, I think
I'll leave you alone now.

No, that's all right. I'd
rather have you here.

Oh, thank you, but I think
it would be a good idea

if you got comfortable
with the place.

And should you want to go
out, I've also arranged for a car.

A car? Look, I really...

Max, you have got to
learn to think big now, grand.

In time, you'll
learn to love it.

Take my word for it.

I guess I gotta
take your word for it.

What the hell is it?

Jennifer: Margaret, Gordon?

Chumley, please.

Oh, Chumley, Mr. Hart and I...

Excuse me, madame, but
luncheon isn't quite ready.

Oh, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

- Mr. Hart...
- Excuse me, madame.

Mrs. Chumley is
very sensitive about

the privacy of her kitchen.

Darling, ready go?

Uh, luncheon is almost ready.

We'll be serving on
the patio momentarily.

Well, Mrs. Hart and I are going
into town to do a little shopping.

I made a reservation with Pirett

at the La Scala Boutique.

They have a wonderful
chopped salad...

The Scala B... chopped salad?

But Mrs. Chumley's just laid
some cracked crab over ice.

The Batard-Montrachet
is chilled.

The patio table is set.

Well, since you put
it that way, I guess,

uh, we'll stay here for lunch.

Is that all right
with you, darling?

Since you put it that way.

Very good, madame.

Well, I guess we'll just

wait in the living room.

( dog barks )

Here you are,
you little grubber.

Max: What about Thanksgiving?

You mean you're busy all week?

No, no, no. That's all right.

It's okay. Sure.

Another time.

Slapsy, it's Maxi.

Say, what about taking in

the trotters tonight, huh?

Oh, well, that...
That's all right.

Sure, another time.

( phone rings )

- Hello?
- Listen, Mr. H,

if you and Mrs. H
are gonna be around,

I'd like to drop by and
pick up a few things.

Sure. Hold on a
second. Darling, it's Max.

He wants to know if he can come
by tonight and pick up a few things.

Ask him if he can
stay for dinner.

Max, can you stay for dinner?

Dinner, sure, Mr. H.

Uh, I guess I can
cancel my plans.

Well, if you've got
other plans, uh...

No, it's okay, Mr. H.
I... I'll be there.

Other plans.

Is something's
upsetting you, Gordon?

I hope you're not
having second thoughts.

Margaret, dear,

we are planning on holding
the entire board of directors

of Hart Industries as hostages.

It's a large undertaking
in only two days.

We simply don't have much time.

Correction, my dear.

It's the Harts who
don't have much time.


Begging your pardon, sir.

That's your dessert fork.

Very good, sir.

Enjoy your dinner.

Gee, this is swell.


Have you given any thought
to your future plans, Max?

I haven't had the time, Mr. H.

Reva has been doing
all my thinking for me.

What's she like, Max?

Oh, she's all right,
very nice, very helpful.

She also has a nice smile.

I mean, you know.

Chumleys sure set out a
swell dinner table, don't they?

She, uh, went to
cooking school in France.


It's, um, interesting.


( bell rings )

I really better get going.

I... it's getting pretty late.

Hey, Max, it's only about 9:00.

Yeah, I... I mean it's late
because I gotta meet someone.


Right, Reva.

Listen, Max, the next
time you come for dinner,

why don't you bring Reva?

We'd love to meet her.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Maybe we all
ought to get together

somewhere for dinner, out maybe.


Definitely, hmm.

Shall we?

Good night, Max.

Good night, Max.

See you soon?


No, I hate it in the back.

You get in the back. I'll drive.

Driver: Whatever you say, sir.

( car engine starts )

- Jennifer: Darling.
- Jonathan: Hmm?

Do you think Max misses
us as much as we miss him,

only he's just not
showing his feelings?

Could you do
that a little harder?

Oh, like that?

Mm. Uh, I know he misses us.

But he's got Reva,
his own place,

new friends.


Could you do it over
to the right a little bit?

Mm. There?


Maybe he was just trying to
get away from the Chumleys.

( chuckles )

Darling, I don't really
like the Chumleys.

No, neither do I.

But we'll keep them
through the party,

and then we'll let them go.


Well, there you go.

Oh, no. What's happening?

- You're reneging.
- Jennifer: Time's up.

No, no. No, no, no, no.

You owe me about eight minutes.

No, no.

I've been doing
this for half an hour.

It's your turn.

Oh, yeah?


Where does it itch?

Gordon: Sleep well,
Mr. and Mrs. Hart.


Now, I'm gonna need
to get inside the house

if I'm gonna tie the explosives
into the alarm system.

They'll be out shopping tomorrow
for the arrival of their guests.

- It won't take me very long.
- And when you're finished,

if the Harts, or any of
the others, try to escape

through anything connected
to the alarm system.

Let's just say it'll be the
last things on their minds.

Reva: Look, Max, you
could live on this for weeks.

Take my word for it.

I couldn't stand it for an hour.

I told you I get seasick.

Oh, you're so cute.

You just don't have
your sea legs yet.

One trip up the coast,
and you'll be a veteran.

Yeah, a veteran of foreign wars.

Look, Max, look at this one,
the Millionaire. It's perfect.

If you say, "Take
my word for it,"

I'm gonna crawl right
into my turtleneck.

What's wrong, Max?

Boats, cars, chauffeurs...

I would have been much happier

if I won the tenth prize,
the AM/FM clock radio.

But this is your
big chance, Max,

the chance to have
everything you ever wanted.

I had everything I
always wanted, a home,

I had Mr. and Mrs. H,

and I didn't have to
wear these clothes.

I'd lose money even on
a horse once in a while,

but I didn't have to worry
about negative cash flow.

Meat and potatoes, is that it?

What... what am I gonna
do with all this stuff?

It ain't my style.

I can't even sit down
in my own apartment

unless you're
around to help me up.

I do enjoy being around, Max.


Well, I... I hadn't
really planned.

I'll give my money to orphans,

and then I can go
back to my own family.

- Come on, I'll buy
you a hamburger.
- A hamburger?

A cheeseburger, the works,

uh, pickles, chili, whatever
you want. Come on.

You don't like boats, Max.

I have a friend at Van Nuys
airport who sells airplanes.

Reva, give me a break.

( ticking )

All right, this is the
heart of the system.

Now this remote activates it.

Once it's down, the house will
blow up if a door or window is opened.

Once it's up, you can
come and go as you please.

What about the timer?

No, button doesn't affect
it one way or the other.

But once the timer's set
and counts down to zero...

The house explodes.

Very good, Margaret.

All right. Party's tomorrow.

We'll meet the morning after
in Switzerland as planned.

That was our arrangement.

Yeah. Well, let's just make
sure we remember that.

After all, it was
my European office

that found out about the
Hart's get together here

and the fact that these
officers have the authority

to transfer Hart Industry
funds by telephone.



I'll check the outside
wiring, and then I'm off.

( sighs )

Sorry I barged in unannounced,
but the gate was open.

We're having a little problem
with the security system.

Mr. Hart requested it
should be to repaired.

I dropped by to pick up
a couple of my things.

I should have done it last
night, but, uh, I sort of forgot.

Yes. We're very busy today,

so if you just, uh, go
about your business.

- Right.
- We really are
very, very busy.

Why aren't you using the
regular alarm company?

I phoned them first.

They weren't available
at short notice.

You should have called Flick.

He would have
straightened you out.

I've used these people
before. They're very reliable.

- ( dog barks )
- Hiya, Freeway.

I sure missed you.

A... are you going
to be much longer?

Okay. I'm going.

I'm going, by the front door.

- ( dog barks ) - Freeway,
so long. See you later, pal.

( dog whimpers )

You know, Max is going
to be a bit of a problem.

He's getting frightfully nosy.

Yes. Max is a loose end.

Two loose ends,
including Mr. Parker.

So, Flick, nobody
even called you

to check out the
Hart security system?

Well, then I better check
out this Lok-Tek joint myself.

Hey, you're the guy... ( thuds )

- Jennifer: Margaret?
- Yes, madame.

- Has Gordon checked the bar?
- Everything's in order, madame.


- Uh, Margaret.
- Madame?

Do you think you
could call me something

other than ma... madame?

What have you in
mind, uh, madame?

Well, I don't know, something
like Mrs. H or Mrs. Hart,

something less formal.

Whatever you wish, Mrs. Hart.

Thank you.

( door closes )

Have you noticed

that she has a way of calling me

Mrs. Hart that sounds
exactly like madame?

( phone rings )


Max: Mr. H?

Uh, hiya, Max. How are you?

Listen, Mr. H.
Something came up.

I won't be able to make
it to your party tomorrow.

You're not coming?
Is something wrong?

It's just that Reva and I
have to go up the coast.

Max, uh, Mrs. H and I'd love
to have you come to the party.

Why don't you and
Reva come to dinner

and then go up the
coast afterwards?

Thanks, but I'm
sorry, Mr. H. Bye.

- He's not coming.
- Oh.

Now, what are we
going to do about you?

Man: Yes, I would
like to propose a toast

to a marvelous dinner
and a terrific hostess.

- Aw.
- The only thing better

would have been if
you had served sushi.


What an interesting idea.

I don't really need
an excuse to fill up

with this wonderful wine,

but another toast is in order

from all of us
south of the border.

To Jonathan Hart
Industries and the best damn

chairman of the
board on any continent.

- Thank you very much, Alice.
- Mmm.

Now would everybody like to
have coffee in the living room?

My dear, you're right.
If I don't get up now,

- I will never be
able to get up.
- ( laughter )

Jennifer, dinner was
absolutely magnifique.

Oh, thank you.

That dinner was
good, but I did miss

the asparagus with
Max's mystery sauce.

So did I.

Reva: Max.

Oh, uh, that'll be fine.
Just leave it over there.

Thank you.


( muffled groans )

Oh, my God, Max.

You should have finished
Max there and then.

There wasn't time.

I couldn't just leave the
body in his apartment.

I'll take care of him
after we finish here.


Now, let's deliver
the bomb surprise.

You should have seen Micheline
at the convention in Cannes.

She had a little too much
Dom Pérignon and I...

Nevertheless, I managed
to get the contract signed.

That you did.

I've always envied
your ability in that area.

Thank you.

She's one of the best
negotiators I ever known.

Thank you.

( rattling )

- Oh, coffee.
- Excuse me, sir.

- We have a little
surprise for you.
- Oh.

I'm afraid I must
ask you to sit down.

I beg your pardon.

- What is this all about?
- $5 million in your
London bank.

Sit down, Mr. Hart, Mrs. Hart.

I can't get through.

The phone must be off the hook.

- Max, what's going on?
- I don't know.

- I've gotta get to that house.
- But... but, Max.

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Your alarm system
has been connected

to a high-powered explosive.

If any of you tries
to leave the house

by any door or window,

well, I wouldn't recommend it.

Now you are a unique group.

The four of you together

have the authority to
transfer funds by telephone.

I want you to transfer
the money to this account.


We'll be out of your way just as
soon as the money is transferred.

Now, shall we begin?

How do I know you won't kill
us once the transfer is made?

You can be sure we will
kill you if you don't begin.

( brakes squeak )

It's Max.

He doesn't know
about the explosives.

The button!

Good evening, Max.

Get in there.

Mr. H., what the...

We've been having a little
problem with the help, Max.

I can see that.

Good of you to come, Max.

Save me the trouble
of going back for you.

Now, can we proceed?

Koji, please make the call.

What's going on?

They've got some explosives
tied in with the alarm system.

That's why we can't get out.

But I got in through the door.

He's got a remote that
can turn it on and off.

I've got the bank, Jonathan.

Go ahead, Koji.

Transfer $5 million to Zurich,

44655, first key, run
55122, Hart code.


- I feel terrible.
- You do?

Sit down.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh, please, it
won't hurt anything.

Just remember, Max,

one false move could
be a fatal mistake.

Andre: Second key,
order 88831, Hart print.


Third key, angel
44564, Hart send.

Fourth key, jackal 55988,

Hart transfer.

It's not done till
they signal back.

Now it's done.

And you can return to your seat.

Keep them here.

I should advise you to
remain where you are.

I'll reactivate the doors
just after we've gone.

But when we're far enough away,

I'll disengage the explosive

and you're free to come
and go as you wish.

( clicks )

( engine sputters )

We'll have to get the
keys to the Hart car.

They're coming back.

I need the keys of
your car, Mr. Hart.

Before you do that, uh, Chumley,

I suggest you look behind you.

That's very old,
sir, and rather tired.

Don't say I didn't warn you.


( grunting )


Max, how did you get out?

I took Freeway's way.

It isn't connected to the alarm.

There's a bomb.
It's... it's on a timer.

We gotta get out.

- What?
- Another bomb on a timer.

We must get outta here.

Get out!

Go on. Get out, everybody.

You're not gonna
blow up my house.

It's all I got.

Mr. and Mrs.
H, I'll let you out.

No. Go on, get out.

Not without you and Max.

Get out, darling. Go on.

Where is it? Come on. Show me.

Get up.

Come on. Show me.

It's in the fuse box.

Jonathan: Is that how
much time we got?

Gordon: Yes, they have
to be removed in order.

Well, start taking them out.

I don't know which one.

What do you mean, you
don't know which one?

It was Parker who
installed the thing...

- Where's Parker?
- He's dead.

Any bets?

Try the red one first.

What about the blue one?

I don't know, what
about the blue one?

Everything okay, Mrs. H?

The house is fine.

But I think we have to
put the Chumleys on ice.

Max: I'll take care of them.

You take care of your guests.

( gasps ) My guests.

What are we gonna
serve for dessert?

Max, uh, may we impose upon you?

I thought you'd never ask.

Hey, Max.

You know, it was pretty
lonely around here without you.

( laughs )

You know, Max, I've never
seen anyone so happy

to lose their
millionaire status.

Everything I've ever wanted
in the world is right here.

Thank you.

- Want some more wine?
- That sounds very nice.

You rang?

You two really
don't have to do this.

It's Thanksgiving.

Oh, no, a deal's a deal.

And this is our way
of giving thanks.

How was the turkey, sir?

Now that you asked, it
was slightly overcooked.


Don't worry about it.
Is there more wine?

- Yes, sir.
- Then join us.

- Thank you, sir.
- Jennifer: Overcooked?

Well, I thought the
turkey was perfect.

We came here to give thanks.

I'll give a toast.

- I'll give notice.
- To us.

To us.

To us.

( theme music playing )

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