Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 4, Episode 17 - As the Hart Turns - full transcript
Max: This is my
boss, Jonathan Hart,
a self-made millionaire.
He's quite a guy.
This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.
She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.
By the way, my name is Max.
I take care of both of
them, which ain't easy,
'cause when they
met, it was murder.
♪
Diane, wait up.
I'll walk with you.
Oh, sure, Dr. Scott.
What's this?
A smile on Diane
Sommerville's face?
I don't believe it.
What did you do?
- Win the Ivory sweepstakes?
- Better.
Little Timmy can walk again
and Mom and Dad
are back together,
and Dr. Thomas has
asked me to marry him.
Wonderful.
Sounds like all's
right with the world.
Finally, yeah.
I must be the happiest
girl at Doctor's Hospital.
I'm so glad. Good night.
Good night.
Oh, no! No, please!
Not when life holds
so much hope!
No!
- Max?
- Shh!
I'm sorry, I didn't
realize what time it was.
It's okay, the commercial's
on. What's up?
I was hoping lunch.
Come on and join us. Do
you know what's happened?
What?
Diane just got murdered.
Oh.
( tsks ) Too bad.
Just when life
held so much hope.
You got it.
Mrs. H., did you ever
try to write a soap opera?
Me? No.
A couple of us were hooked
on "Days of Our Lives"
when I was in college,
but I think I'm off the hook.
Shh! It's back on.
Woman: You had something to do
with Arthur's death, didn't you?
Man: That's an
interesting assumption.
It wasn't an assumption.
It was a question.
Did you kill him?
Of course not.
But how could you
even think such a thing?
You had a perfect motive.
He knew about
your time in prison.
He could have been
blackmailing you.
Doctor: Well, it's possible.
But even if it were true,
it doesn't mean I did it.
I'm not a monster.
Killers aren't all monsters.
You should know that.
You've killed before.
That was an accident!
Who did he murder?
See, Dr. Porter came
to town with amnesia.
He became a
doctor at the hospital.
His gardener, Arthur,
finds out that a guy
who fits Porter's description
served time in
prison for murder.
This was before
he married Monica.
He and Monica are married?
Not anymore.
She got disinherited.
No more money, no more marriage.
- Jonathan:
Hello, darling.
- Shh!
What's going on?
Monica just told Dr. Porter
she thinks he's a murderer.
That's not what I meant.
It's not bad enough
that I lose Max every day
from 2:30 to 3:00,
now you're gone.
Just until 3:00, darling.
Monica: Well, if you're
innocent, then who?!
What about Tom?
The police did find a vial
of poison in his lab coat.
Come on, Doc!
You don't think
he's stupid enough
to have left it
there by accident?
Sounds like a setup to me.
Sounds like a setup to me.
Oh, Dr. Scott, come in.
Dr. Scott: Thank, you,
Monica. Thank you.
( chuckles ) Well,
well, Dr. Scott.
Dr. Porter.
I had no idea you
still made house calls.
- Dr. Scott: Well, I was...
- ( telephone rings )
Monica: Would you be
an angel and get that?
I'm really not in the
mood for small talk.
Dr. Scott: Sure. Hello?
What?
No, no, you just hold on.
( hangs up )
What's the matter?
They just found
Diane Sommerville.
She was murdered
outside the hospital.
( dramatic organ music playing )
Announcer: Next on
"Doctor's Hospital"...
Anybody for a late lunch?
You know something, Max,
when I used to
watch soap operas,
people got married,
they got divorced,
they even became terminally ill,
but nobody got murdered.
Well, you gotta grab
that audience, Mrs. H.
Well, Max, if
"Doctor's Hospital"
is keeping you
away from the track,
then you've gotta be way
ahead of the game financially.
I got better things
to do with my dough
than blow it at the track.
Jennifer: What's that?
A little surprise
for you, Mrs. H,
for that charity luncheon
you're going to tomorrow.
At Mrs. Wentworth-Hays'?
I bought all these raffle
tickets in your name.
Max, you shouldn't
have done that.
That must've cost
a months' salary.
Mrs. H., if you
win, the prize is...
No, I'll keep it a surprise.
No sense in being
disappointed if you lose.
Oh, come on, give me a hint.
Well, it's something
that millions of women
from coast to coast would
give their eyeteeth for.
I'm already taken.
Oh, you're witty, Mr. H.
Thank you, Max.
Well, here's the lunch.
Jonathan! Jennifer! Yoo-hoo!
Mrs. Wentworth-Hays.
What's she doing here?
She never goes to
the parties she gives.
Uh, Max, would you entertain
her while we go get a drink?
Sure, thing, Mrs. H.
Mrs. Wentworth-Hays!
Nice to see you.
Max, so good to see you.
What happened to the Harts?
They're at the punch
bowl. They'll be right back.
Just as well.
Now that I've got
you, how do I get you?
Thank you, I'm very flattered,
but I'll never work for
anybody but the Harts.
With me, it wouldn't be work.
We'd call it play for pay.
( both chuckle )
There's Dr. Scott.
Jonathan: Dr. Scott?
I mean Ray Martin.
He plays Dr. Scott
on "Doctor's Hospital."
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
- I'm Jonathan Hart.
- Hello, Mr. Hart.
This is my wife Jennifer.
Oh, J... Mr. Hart.
Yes, of course.
I'm Ray Martin.
Yes, we know. We
watch your program.
Really? I'm flattered that you
watch the show. That's very nice.
I take it that you're a friend
of Mrs. Wentworth-Hays.
No. As a matter
of fact, we just met.
You see, my show donated a
prize to the winner of the raffle
and I got drafted
to pull the ticket.
Jennifer, Jonathan,
there you are.
Well, has he told you yet?
Told us what?
- Yeah, what?
- Ray...
- What?
- is Dr. Porter
the murderer?
I have a bet with
my hairdresser.
Mrs. Hays, they do not
show us the future story lines.
You're just gonna have to
continue to watch the show.
Hi, I'm Lee Blair,
KBHX Publicity.
How do you do? Jonathan Hart.
- My wife Jennifer.
- How are you? Hi.
We're just about
ready, Mrs. Hays.
Oh, yes. Excuse me, please.
Dr. Scott, I will
get it out of you
- one way or another.
- I believe you.
And the public just can't get
enough of "Doctor's Hospital."
I'm sorry to break
up this little party,
but Ray has to cut a ribbon at
a supermarket opening at 3:00.
Where does it say that?
Just before you do your
radio phone-in show at 4:00.
Lee, I'm sorry.
Um... I've done Shakespeare,
I've been on Broadway,
and I'm really getting a
little tired of being humiliated
by all of these
sideshow appearances.
We'll talk about it later, okay?
Why do you give me all
the dreary assignments?
Why don't you send
Damian to the supermarket?
- He'd love it.
- Look, I'll do what I can.
Now, come on,
Mr. Charm. It's raffle time.
Mr. Charm will go
pick the winning ticket.
Nice to have met you both.
Actors.
Attention, everyone!
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to
introduce Mr. Ray Martin
who plays Dr. Scott
on "Doctor's Hospital."
He will now draw the
number of some lucky lady
who will win a walk-on
part on "Doctor's Hospital."
( applause )
Max!
You're lamb of the
house of Hart, Mrs. H.
If you have your stubs
ready, the winning number is...
6-8-4!
- ( crowd groans )
- 6-8-4.
No... no... no.
( gasps )
- You got it.
- No!
Mrs. Hart's got the
winning number, 6-8-4!
Here.
Jonathan, please, help me.
Here.
That's not what I meant.
Congratulations.
Can we have a really
nice, big round of applause
for the newest member of
the cast of "Doctor's Hospital,"
Mrs. Jonathan Hart?
And I bought 10 tickets.
Some people have all the luck.
Let's get a shot.
Big smile, Mrs. Hart!
( camera clicks )
And now a big hand
for Mr. Ray Martin!
Well, thank you. Thank
you very much. Thank you.
See you tomorrow at the taping.
- Tomorrow?!
- At 10:00.
The director will walk
you through the scene.
We'll shoot the
episode at 11:00.
You're playing the part of a
beautiful, wealthy Beverly Hills hostess.
One more shot,
real pretty smile.
( camera clicks )
Now, there's a
rewrite due out at 6:00.
Can you meet me at Antonio's?
- It's across the street
from the studio.
- Uh... uh...
Wonderful. I'll see you then.
A beautiful hostess!
Typecasting.
- I'm speechless.
- Not for long.
You gotta learn your lines.
Wait'll I tell my
friends that I won you
a coast-to-coast speaking part.
I can always count on you, Max.
- That's right.
- ( humorless chuckle )
( chatter )
I can't account for the
popularity of soaps, Jennifer,
but it crosses all social
and economic lines.
There's a group of
Harvard professors
that have it in their contracts
that they can't be assigned
classes between 2:30 and 3:00
because they want to
watch "Doctor's Hospital."
( chuckles ) Isn't that amazing?
Ooh, it's time for the
Johnny Carson show.
I told you I've gotta get there.
Damian Drummond
is taping tonight.
Damian's our show's biggest star
and we can't let him down.
Now, your part,
page 49, scene 26... learn it.
The network is
picking up the check.
Good night.
- Thanks very much.
- Good night.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help but overhear.
You are doing a scene
from "Doctor's Hospital."
( chuckles )
Now, you've got to
tell me if Dr. Porter
is going to remarry Monica.
Go ahead, darling. Tell her.
Oh, yes! Oh, I knew it.
I knew you would know.
Oh, come on, tell me.
I don't know.
Nice people from Pasadena,
Harvard professors,
and, uh, Max.
Quite an assortment.
Mm.
Well, darling, if I'm
going to work tomorrow,
I must get some sleep.
My public demands it.
( thuds )
( door closes )
( Jennifer gasps )
Jonathan: It's Lee.
( police radio chatter )
Mr. Hart, you just
finished dinner with him?
Yes. When we came out, Lieutenant,
we didn't see anybody around.
Yeah, well, his keys
and wallet are still there.
I doubt that robbery
was the motive.
Sergeant, I want a
search of this entire area...
Garbage cans,
doorways, everywhere.
I want to find a murder weapon.
He was strangled,
so look for a rope,
a wire, something
like that, all right?
- You need us anymore?
- No, no, no.
Just tell me how
you knew Mr. Blair.
We were having
a meeting with him.
He's with KBHX Television.
My wife is doing a part on
"Doctor's Hospital" tomorrow.
Oh! "Doctor's Hospital," huh?
A few of us down at headquarters
have a little bet going...
Will Timmy turn out to be
Monica's illegitimate kid?
Got any ideas?
No.
- Good night, Lieutenant.
- Yeah, good night.
( car approaches )
Here they are, Freeway.
( Freeway barks )
Where have you been?
We expected you home hours ago.
- Freeway.
- We've been
with the police.
The police?
Yeah, a PR guy that
works on "Doctor's Hospital"
was murdered.
Gee, that's awful. I'm sorry.
Yeah.
His car was parked
in a dark alley.
- That's where they found him.
- Was it a mugging?
They didn't find anything.
I'll get you some coffee.
That's okay, I'd
rather have a drink.
- Wouldn't you, darling?
- Absolutely.
- Should I get it?
- We'll get it, thanks.
Thanks.
Oh, by the way, Mrs. H.,
do you mind if I give
you a list of questions?
Questions?
For the star of your
show, Damian Drummond.
I thought I'd mail
him, but as long
as you're on the show tomorrow,
I thought I might
give them to you.
Oh, sure, Max. I'll take it.
Thank you.
( groans )
- Tired?
- Yeah, a little.
I'd better look at that
part before tomorrow.
You want me to be the critic?
Oh. ( chuckles )
You really are getting a kick
out of me suffering, aren't you?
I get a kick out of
everything you do.
Aww. ( chuckles )
Thank you.
Forget about the part.
- Forget about the part?
- Mm-hmm.
Darling, if I don't
read the part,
I won't know what
my motivation is.
I know what your motivation is.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, what do you
think, Mrs. Hart?
I think it's wonderful.
Thank you, Frank.
What do you think, darling?
- Oh, you look great.
- ( chuckles )
Well, hello, you two. Jonathan.
You look wonderful, Mrs. Hart.
Welcome to "Doctor's Hospital."
Let the good doctor show you
around and how we operate.
I do a terrible
Groucho. I'm sorry.
I don't know if you're familiar
with three-camera operation,
but we have one, two,
and three cameras,
and they're fed onto the
floor through these monitors
so that the director
can set his shots.
This is the area... excuse us.
We'll just thread our
way through here.
Pardon me for a minute.
This is where you'll be
shooting your high-society bash
a little bit later on.
Richard's setting it up now.
Just follow me through.
I'll kind of give you
a tour of the building.
Real flowers. Not everything
is plastic in Hollywood, you see.
( all chuckle )
And right through this
door... Presto change-o.
- A hospital operating theater.
- Isn't this fabulous?
- It's the magic of Holly...
- Oh, no!
Has he spoiled
the magic for you?
- Uh, no...
- Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Hart,
meet Damian Drummond.
- Hello. How are you?
- How do you do?
Wonderful to have you with us.
Thank you very much.
Oh, uh, I have to
ask you a terrific favor.
Would you mind giving
me an autograph?
My pleasure.
"To Max."
"Max."
My public.
Oh, Mr. Hart, would you mind
if I'm the one to give
Jennifer the grand tour?
- Of course.
- Oh.
Right this way.
Excuse me, darling. Excuse me.
Seems to be quite
nice for the villain.
Oh, yes, he's the
man you love to hate.
Our nation has made
him our show's superstar,
the J.R. of daytime,
you might say.
- But you're the hero.
- Ha.
- Don't they root for you?
- No, no, Jonathan.
Heroes are a dime
a dozen, but villains,
now that's something else again.
No, if Damian doesn't like
the script, it gets rewritten,
and sometimes
rewritten and rewritten
until he does like it.
I guess it's my
New York training.
I was brought up on the
stage, and to wind up here
in Tinseltown with
a joker like that
who's been in the business
a fast 20 minutes taking over,
it just... ( shudders )
Well, I guess I really
shouldn't complain.
I mean, whatever
keeps the fans tuning in
keeps food on my table, too.
You seem to be
handling it realistically.
( sighs ) You have to in
this business, Jonathan.
Oh, I'm sorry I
sounded off like that.
I guess we're
all a little on edge
because of what happened to Lee.
The police told
us you found him.
Yes, we did, but I'm afraid
we couldn't offer much help.
That's a tragedy.
That's a real tragedy.
- Ray.
- Oh, Richard.
I'd like you to meet
Jonathan Hart.
This is Richard Bauer,
our producer and director.
- Mr. Hart, a pleasure.
- And over your left shoulder
is Mrs. Hart, your winner.
Jennifer, please.
- Jennifer, congratulations.
- Thank you very much.
Now there's nothing
to be nervous about.
We're all one happy family
here. You're gonna be terrific.
- Are you sure?
- You bet. Now come
right on the set.
- We're ready for rehearsal.
- Oh, boy.
Aw, you're gonna be wonderful.
I'll pick you up around 3:00.
And, uh, as they
say... Break a leg.
Thanks.
Come along.
Richard: Okay,
people, let's do it!
Blocking rehearsal
for the actors.
Quiet, everybody.
This is a rehearsal!
Let's have it quiet, please!
Anybody not involved
with this scene,
please step behind the cameras.
Ray, you want to
stay by the table.
Jennifer and Damian,
come here by the sofa.
We'll bring you some champagne.
And Monica... where's Monica?
Right here, right here.
Monica, sweetheart,
- we'll have you
inside of Ray...
- Excuse me.
- Telling a story.
- Mm-hmm.
Very funny.
At the end, you'll
excuse yourself.
Come back here
to meet Jennifer...
- Have you met Jennifer?
- No, no.
Oh, Jennifer Hart,
Monica Haines.
Hello.
And you'll finish
the scene over here.
Now the champagne
will come through here.
And then picked up
on Dick. Sweep past.
Number two camera will
pick it up, and off you go.
All right, are we ready to go?
- Let's do it.
- ( bell rings )
And atmosphere,
people. Keep it lively.
Remember, this is a
party. It's not a funeral.
All right, everybody,
from the top!
Let's have it quiet, please!
In five, four, three,
two, one, action!
( chatter and laughter )
Oh, dear. ( laughs )
So the man says, "Mother,
how could you
have eaten that bird?
It spoke seven languages."
And his mother says, "So
why didn't he say something?"
( laughter )
- That's good, that's good.
- Excuse me a moment.
That's brilliant.
My dear, where did
you get that dress?
- Cut it, cut it.
- Something wrong?
Monica, sweetheart,
let's try and cooperate.
It's supposed to be "My dear,
where did you get that dress?"
You like the dress.
So sorry.
Yes, let's take it from
the end of your joke.
She has a problem with other
attractive women on the set.
I'll speak to her.
- ( bell rings ) - Quiet,
everybody. From Monica's line.
In five, four, three,
two, one, action!
And the mother says, "So
why didn't he say something?"
( laughter )
Excuse me.
My dear, where did
you get that dress?
Oh, I'm glad you like it.
My seamstress made it for me.
Oh. Well, you must give
me the name of the shop.
And cut! Beautiful! Beautiful!
10-minute break, everyone,
and then we'll put one on tape.
All right, that's a
10-minute break.
Jennifer, that was
wonderful. You're lovely.
- Oh, my.
- You know,
you're very believable.
( chuckles ) I'll believe
that when I see it.
Tune in tomorrow at
2:30 and see for yourself.
Jennifer, Bill
Stegmeyer, the writer.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
I enjoy the show.
Well, thanks. I used to.
Ah. Wanna sit in the
makeup chair here?
Oh.
Uh, Bill has been a
little under siege lately.
He came up with a major
divorce for Ken and Sylvia,
and the network then said they
wanted them to have a baby.
Using a surrogate mother.
I can't wait to see what
they'll come up with next.
But Ken and Sylvia can't
get back together again.
- You see, Bill? Another fan.
- I'm amazed.
Well, Max... he lives with us.
Max watches the
program every day.
I just see it when
I'm walking...
It's okay, Mrs. Hart.
We all watch the show.
( chuckles ) You do?
But, you see, you've...
You've written Ken and
Sylvia so convincingly
that I don't see how they
could possibly reconcile.
It's called writing
yourself into a corner.
Unless... Unless what?
Unless, uh...
Sylvia breaks down.
She pours her heart out to Ken
and he sees, for the first time,
that they could
start all over again.
That's pretty good.
Why didn't we think of it?
We don't make the big bucks.
It's too bad you won't
be around to help me
write the next five episodes.
- Me? ( laughs )
- There won't be
five more episodes
- if we don't get cracking.
- He's a slave driver,
isn't he?
All right, everybody,
we're back!
Let's do it! Places!
All right, everybody, our
five's over! We're back!
Hello.
- Hi, darling.
- Are you celebrating?
Uh, negotiating.
- Negotiating?
- Mm.
You must have read
that one line pretty well.
She was terrific, Mr. Hart.
She's sensational.
I know that. ( chuckles )
Actually, we're trying
to convince your wife
to work with us on
the next few scripts.
A writer-actor?
Alan Alda better watch out.
Oh, come on.
She made us rethink the
whole Ken-Sylvia reconciliation.
And to top it off,
gave us a beautiful
way to solve it.
I told them I've only
written a couple of books
and some magazine articles,
but they're determined.
We certainly are. She
should work with us.
What better experience
could you want
to write an article about
"A Week on a Soap Opera,"
by Jennifer Hart?
Max would be devoted forever.
It might be fun.
We could use a fresh viewpoint.
You know, you're
going to need an agent.
Oh, I don't think so.
I could negotiate it for you.
Yes, I suppose you could.
Go easy, Mr. Hart.
This is daytime. We
don't have the big bucks.
I want you to know that this is
not gonna be an easy negotiation.
Uh, what do you have in mind?
Well, I think you
ought to write a check
for whatever you think is
fair to Jennifer's Wildlife Fund.
You're a hard
negotiator, Mr. Hart.
It's a deal.
Remember, whatever's fair.
Welcome to the family.
Thank you.
Bill: It's the only way to
take it. Jennifer's right.
If Ken and Sylvia are gonna come
to this enormous understanding,
we've got to end the
affair she's been having,
and the only way I
can see doing that
is to write Ray
Martin out of the show.
Haven't you got
other alternatives?
Ray's been a running
character for five years.
The network says his
fan mail is dropping,
and we need another
victim for our villain.
Damn it.
All right... why don't
you and Jennifer
put it on paper first?
I'll look at it,
then decide if
Ray stays or goes.
Bill: Sure, leave me to
work through the night.
Richard: At least
you're working.
Next week, you and
I have a place to go.
Ray may have a problem.
Look at this!
Max certainly outdid himself.
I thought we were supposed to
have salad and cold poached salmon.
Yes, we do seem to be
dressed wrong for the room.
Max!
At your service!
Dinner is served.
Royal crown of lamb,
vegetables jardinière,
and potatoes rissole.
Potatoes russole?
Rissole! Sautéed in oil.
Max, what is the occasion?
No occasion, Mrs. H.
Just the smile on your
face is reward enough.
What makes you happy,
Mrs. H., makes me happy.
I'm a man who derives pleasure
from the happiness of others.
Max, I've known you
too long. Get to the point.
The point... The
point is, Mrs. H.,
that you're writing
the next few episodes,
and I got the inside track.
On what?
Do you realize how much
money is wagered coast to coast
on who does what to
whom on soap operas?
Max!
You're not suggesting that I...
I'm not suggesting.
I'm pleading.
Just tell me who murdered
Diane on "Doctor's Hospital."
I'll put a few hundred
on it, and I'll clean up.
I can't do that, Max!
It's unethical.
That ain't unethical.
It's an inside tip.
I'm not tipping.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Here's your roast.
Whoa!
Ready for your 4:00
script conference?
Oh, yes. I'm just gonna make it.
Mrs. H., I'm kind of
sorry I nudged you
about the inside
dope in your show.
Oh, that's all right, Max.
I hope it didn't interfere
with your creative flow.
It didn't.
The flow flowed.
- ( buzzer buzzes )
- ( barks )
Yeah, who is it?
Hi, this is Ray Martin.
Is Mrs. Hart there?
I'm sorry, Mr. Martin,
she just left
to deliver her new
script for the show.
Oh, I see.
Uh, do you suppose
it would be all right
if I used your telephone?
For you? Of course, Mr. Martin.
- Come on up.
- ( buzzer buzzes )
Thanks a lot.
Freeway, this guy
coming up is a big TV star.
- So make a good impression.
- ( barks )
- Hi, I'm Ray Martin.
- I'm Max.
Hi, Max, I remember. We
met at the Hays party, yeah.
Wow, this is quite a place.
So, Max, I understand
Mrs. Hart's script
is just gonna save
our show for us.
I wish I could tell you.
Oh, come on, Max, you
mean you didn't even get
one little hint as to
what she had in mind?
I couldn't believe it.
You'd think she's
working for the CIA.
I guess loose lips sink scripts.
Ah, Max, didn't you
even get a peek?
Nah. I figure if it's that
important to Mrs. H.,
I'll do it her way.
I ain't even gonna
read the carbon copies.
You want to use the
phone? Come on in.
Oh, thanks.
You can use the
phone in the kitchen.
Uh, Max?
This is... this is kind of a personal
call, you know what I mean?
I was wondering, if
it's all right with you,
if there's a phone
out here somewhere.
Be my guest. There's
a phone on the desk.
Come on, Freeway,
he wants to be alone.
- ( barks ) - Thanks,
Max. You're a real pal.
Oh, hi, Jackie, this is Ray.
Uh, no, no, I'm not at
the station right now.
Um... no, I probably won't...
get back there until
later this afternoon.
Uh... yeah, I'll
keep you posted.
Right.
Uh, no, no, don't call me, Jack.
I'll... I'll get back to you.
( whining )
( door closes )
Hey, wait a minute, Freeway.
He's making a personal call.
- ( barks )
- If Lassie came to visit you,
would I be rude?
( car engine starts )
- ( car departs )
- ( Freeway barks )
Mr. Martin?
Freeway, where'd he go?
I have to say that Elizabeth
Taylor is our biggest fan.
She wrote the show and
says she tries never to miss it.
Isn't that amazing?
Damian, how did you
become Dr. Porter?
Well, there was no
Dr. Porter when I started.
I mean, I had a three-line
walk-on when I started.
- A party guest.
- Really?
Yeah, and then the great
American public wrote in
and they said,
"Who is that guy?"
So they created the role
of Dr. Porter just for me.
Now, you are
standing in the house...
that Damian Drummond built.
- Rags to riches.
- That's right.
I know there are some actors
on the show who are jealous
of my meteoric rise,
but that's show business.
Mmm, speaking of
show business, it's 4:00.
I'm supposed to
meet Bill in his office.
- I'll see you later.
- All right.
- At the rehearsal
tomorrow.
- Yes.
Oh, look at you.
Hi, Richard.
This is half-hour television.
Looks to me like you're trying
to put together
a six-part movie.
Have you seen Bill?
I was supposed to
meet him back here.
Bill keeps a schedule that
only a writer can understand.
- Oh?
- Fiction.
Funny, funny.
Look, it's getting late.
We're knocking off early.
Want to join us for a
drink across the street?
Oh, no, thanks. I'll
just wait here for Bill.
Dedication, commitment.
I like it. See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow. Let's see...
Now...
( knock on door )
All alone?
- Oh, hi, Ray.
- Hi.
If you want to catch
up with everybody,
they're across the
street having a drink.
Oh, they are? Oh, no, thanks.
Actually, I was just, uh...
just trying to
catch up with you.
Me?
You say you saw nobody
run away from the car, huh?
I just found his
body slumped over
in the front seat, Lieutenant.
That's an interesting idea.
Somehow I doubt that
he strangled himself,
dropped dead, and
then stashed the weapon.
I'm only the building
manager. I'm not Dick Tracy.
That's all I found in
the trunk, Lieutenant.
- What's this?
- Looks like a TV script.
"Doctor's Hospital."
Oh, yeah? My wife watches that.
She's been real curious trying
to find out who killed somebody.
Yeah, things on
"Doctor's Hospital"
making me real
curious these days, too.
Go ahead, finish
up here, will you?
Thanks for your
help, Mr. Donovan.
- Appreciate it.
- Sure, sure.
Yeah, this is Davern.
I want you to patch
me in to station KBHX.
So you've been
writing ever since, eh?
Yes, ever since.
Hmm. How's it coming?
Oh, well, this is, uh...
This is very different.
But it's challenging.
I'd like to to see it.
Oh, I don't think they
want all the actors to see it
because it's still rough.
Oh.
Well, I just thought
maybe I could get a jump
on the direction the story
line was going in, that's all.
Oh, well, I'm not so
sure that the story line
is going in this direction.
It's just that Bill
wanted me to work on it.
( chuckles ) I don't really think
you're gonna have to worry
about whether
Bill likes it or not.
Oh, well, he is my boss.
He's the head writer.
He was.
- I don't think...
- Sit down, Mrs. Hart!
Sit.
Well... well, well.
You do have an
inventive style, Mrs. Hart.
However, I think that
you've made one...
slight mistake.
You see, I don't
die in the last act.
You do.
Send him in.
- Lieutenant Davern.
- Thank you.
Hello, Lieutenant.
- Thanks very much, Janice.
- You're welcome, Mr. Hart.
Glad I caught you in, Mr. Hart.
- Can I get you a drink?
- No, no, thanks.
- I'm on duty.
- What's on your mind?
What I'd really like to
do is talk to Mrs. Hart,
you see, about that soap
opera walk-on she did.
- Mrs. Hart?
- Yeah.
Well, Mrs. Hart is
due here about 6:00
because we are going
out and having dinner.
Yes, I know. I
called your house.
That's what Max said.
Tell me, Mr. Hart, did
she ever talk to you
about the backstage
life at the show?
The backstage life of the show?
Yeah, you know,
the sort of thing like
did the star fight with
the makeup man?
Or did the producer
want to kill the writer?
Gossip, that sort
of stuff, you know.
That sounds like soap-opera
material, not like real life.
Oh, yeah, well, real life has
taken a beating these days
at "Doctor's Hospital."
We got people dying
like flies over there.
First you have the
PR man who's killed,
and now we have a second murder.
Writer, guy by the
name of Bill Stegmeyer.
Bill Stegmeyer.
So you see, I'd really
like to talk to Mrs. Hart.
She's at the studio right now.
I thought she already
did her walk-on.
She did, but they
asked her to come back
and write some material.
With, uh, Bill Stegmeyer.
Now, wait, the
only person working
with Bill Stegmeyer
now is the coroner.
You sure she's there?
Yeah, I'm positive she's there.
I just called the show.
There was no answer.
Ray: And they'd never
dream of killing off Damian!
Oh, no! He gets awards!
If he doesn't like the
scripts, they change it!
And Damian makes a
million dollars a year!
And Damian's on the
cover of every fan magazine!
"Damian, is he really a devil?"
"Damian tells the world
it's so difficult to be Damian!"
Damian came here a year
ago with a five-page scene.
What do they do?!
They build him up! They
make him a superstar!
I'm better than he is!
I play Dr. Scott,
nice Dr. Scott.
And I truly am the devil,
but no one knows that.
No one even suspects.
That is award-winning acting.
But, Ray, they're not even
sure they're gonna do this story.
They just asked
me to work on it.
And do you know...
it's a tragedy.
No one will ever
know that my entire life
has been one superb performance.
Dr. Scott's already gotten away
with two murders, you know.
And now no one will ever
know what's in your script!
( both shout )
( siren wailing )
( tires screech )
Hey, what's your
hurry? Slow down.
- Studio 10.
- That set's been closed for...
I'll find out myself. Open up.
All right, all right.
( siren wailing )
It's not gonna do
any good to hide!
There's nowhere
to go! ( grunts )
I wrote this scene, Jennifer!
And you're gonna
die just like Lee Blair
for degrading me!
And like Bill Stegmeyer
because he wrote me out!
There's nowhere to hide!
No! Oh! No.
This...
this will be the
kindest cut of all.
Jennifer?
On the set!
- No, Ray.
- Come any closer
and I'll kill her right now!
You don't have to do this.
Now I'll get the attention!
I'm the star of this show!
I'll have the spotlight.
( whispers ) Keep him talking.
May be harder than it looks.
There's no place
that you can go.
You're so wrong!
Up! I can go up!
This is the beginning
of a brilliant new career!
Dr. Scott, put down the scalpel.
Oh... oh, yes.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute,
you're not the director!
This is a closed set!
Only cast and crew
are allowed in here!
And this is your greatest
performance since Broadway.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the award for the best
actor in a continuing series...
goes to Ray Martin.
Did you hear that?
The award goes to Ray Martin.
Oh...
Don't you hear
the applause, Ray?
Did he say Ray Martin?
- That's me!
- Yes.
- They called me?
- Uh-huh.
Oh! They called me!
Oh... Oh, thank you!
Thank you so much.
I am so grateful for this award.
Oh, and there are so
many people to thank.
First, a wonderful
cast and crew.
And all of the little people
who make it possible!
But most important...
Most important of all...
I would like to thank
all of you fans out there
whose loyalty means more to me
than this or any award!
I love you.
Oh... thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Fade to black.
Jennifer: I can't believe it.
You make love to another
woman on our anniversary
and you expect me
to look the other way?!
Jonathan: Enough
about her already.
Let's talk about us.
There never will be an us.
You're... you're
not saying it's over?
It never began.
I love you.
And although Julian
may never walk again,
I owe him everything.
But, darling, without
you, I'll subsist.
Subsist?
Yes. Fade away,
die of heartbreak.
Well, then why didn't
you just say that?
Because that's not the
way Dr. Porters talks.
That's not the way anyone talks.
Have I ever told you you're
the most beautiful woman
I've ever met?
That's not in the script.
And even if you write
things like "subsist,"
I'll always love you.
You're changing my words!
Who needs the words?
( Freeway barking )
♪
boss, Jonathan Hart,
a self-made millionaire.
He's quite a guy.
This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.
She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.
By the way, my name is Max.
I take care of both of
them, which ain't easy,
'cause when they
met, it was murder.
♪
Diane, wait up.
I'll walk with you.
Oh, sure, Dr. Scott.
What's this?
A smile on Diane
Sommerville's face?
I don't believe it.
What did you do?
- Win the Ivory sweepstakes?
- Better.
Little Timmy can walk again
and Mom and Dad
are back together,
and Dr. Thomas has
asked me to marry him.
Wonderful.
Sounds like all's
right with the world.
Finally, yeah.
I must be the happiest
girl at Doctor's Hospital.
I'm so glad. Good night.
Good night.
Oh, no! No, please!
Not when life holds
so much hope!
No!
- Max?
- Shh!
I'm sorry, I didn't
realize what time it was.
It's okay, the commercial's
on. What's up?
I was hoping lunch.
Come on and join us. Do
you know what's happened?
What?
Diane just got murdered.
Oh.
( tsks ) Too bad.
Just when life
held so much hope.
You got it.
Mrs. H., did you ever
try to write a soap opera?
Me? No.
A couple of us were hooked
on "Days of Our Lives"
when I was in college,
but I think I'm off the hook.
Shh! It's back on.
Woman: You had something to do
with Arthur's death, didn't you?
Man: That's an
interesting assumption.
It wasn't an assumption.
It was a question.
Did you kill him?
Of course not.
But how could you
even think such a thing?
You had a perfect motive.
He knew about
your time in prison.
He could have been
blackmailing you.
Doctor: Well, it's possible.
But even if it were true,
it doesn't mean I did it.
I'm not a monster.
Killers aren't all monsters.
You should know that.
You've killed before.
That was an accident!
Who did he murder?
See, Dr. Porter came
to town with amnesia.
He became a
doctor at the hospital.
His gardener, Arthur,
finds out that a guy
who fits Porter's description
served time in
prison for murder.
This was before
he married Monica.
He and Monica are married?
Not anymore.
She got disinherited.
No more money, no more marriage.
- Jonathan:
Hello, darling.
- Shh!
What's going on?
Monica just told Dr. Porter
she thinks he's a murderer.
That's not what I meant.
It's not bad enough
that I lose Max every day
from 2:30 to 3:00,
now you're gone.
Just until 3:00, darling.
Monica: Well, if you're
innocent, then who?!
What about Tom?
The police did find a vial
of poison in his lab coat.
Come on, Doc!
You don't think
he's stupid enough
to have left it
there by accident?
Sounds like a setup to me.
Sounds like a setup to me.
Oh, Dr. Scott, come in.
Dr. Scott: Thank, you,
Monica. Thank you.
( chuckles ) Well,
well, Dr. Scott.
Dr. Porter.
I had no idea you
still made house calls.
- Dr. Scott: Well, I was...
- ( telephone rings )
Monica: Would you be
an angel and get that?
I'm really not in the
mood for small talk.
Dr. Scott: Sure. Hello?
What?
No, no, you just hold on.
( hangs up )
What's the matter?
They just found
Diane Sommerville.
She was murdered
outside the hospital.
( dramatic organ music playing )
Announcer: Next on
"Doctor's Hospital"...
Anybody for a late lunch?
You know something, Max,
when I used to
watch soap operas,
people got married,
they got divorced,
they even became terminally ill,
but nobody got murdered.
Well, you gotta grab
that audience, Mrs. H.
Well, Max, if
"Doctor's Hospital"
is keeping you
away from the track,
then you've gotta be way
ahead of the game financially.
I got better things
to do with my dough
than blow it at the track.
Jennifer: What's that?
A little surprise
for you, Mrs. H,
for that charity luncheon
you're going to tomorrow.
At Mrs. Wentworth-Hays'?
I bought all these raffle
tickets in your name.
Max, you shouldn't
have done that.
That must've cost
a months' salary.
Mrs. H., if you
win, the prize is...
No, I'll keep it a surprise.
No sense in being
disappointed if you lose.
Oh, come on, give me a hint.
Well, it's something
that millions of women
from coast to coast would
give their eyeteeth for.
I'm already taken.
Oh, you're witty, Mr. H.
Thank you, Max.
Well, here's the lunch.
Jonathan! Jennifer! Yoo-hoo!
Mrs. Wentworth-Hays.
What's she doing here?
She never goes to
the parties she gives.
Uh, Max, would you entertain
her while we go get a drink?
Sure, thing, Mrs. H.
Mrs. Wentworth-Hays!
Nice to see you.
Max, so good to see you.
What happened to the Harts?
They're at the punch
bowl. They'll be right back.
Just as well.
Now that I've got
you, how do I get you?
Thank you, I'm very flattered,
but I'll never work for
anybody but the Harts.
With me, it wouldn't be work.
We'd call it play for pay.
( both chuckle )
There's Dr. Scott.
Jonathan: Dr. Scott?
I mean Ray Martin.
He plays Dr. Scott
on "Doctor's Hospital."
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
- I'm Jonathan Hart.
- Hello, Mr. Hart.
This is my wife Jennifer.
Oh, J... Mr. Hart.
Yes, of course.
I'm Ray Martin.
Yes, we know. We
watch your program.
Really? I'm flattered that you
watch the show. That's very nice.
I take it that you're a friend
of Mrs. Wentworth-Hays.
No. As a matter
of fact, we just met.
You see, my show donated a
prize to the winner of the raffle
and I got drafted
to pull the ticket.
Jennifer, Jonathan,
there you are.
Well, has he told you yet?
Told us what?
- Yeah, what?
- Ray...
- What?
- is Dr. Porter
the murderer?
I have a bet with
my hairdresser.
Mrs. Hays, they do not
show us the future story lines.
You're just gonna have to
continue to watch the show.
Hi, I'm Lee Blair,
KBHX Publicity.
How do you do? Jonathan Hart.
- My wife Jennifer.
- How are you? Hi.
We're just about
ready, Mrs. Hays.
Oh, yes. Excuse me, please.
Dr. Scott, I will
get it out of you
- one way or another.
- I believe you.
And the public just can't get
enough of "Doctor's Hospital."
I'm sorry to break
up this little party,
but Ray has to cut a ribbon at
a supermarket opening at 3:00.
Where does it say that?
Just before you do your
radio phone-in show at 4:00.
Lee, I'm sorry.
Um... I've done Shakespeare,
I've been on Broadway,
and I'm really getting a
little tired of being humiliated
by all of these
sideshow appearances.
We'll talk about it later, okay?
Why do you give me all
the dreary assignments?
Why don't you send
Damian to the supermarket?
- He'd love it.
- Look, I'll do what I can.
Now, come on,
Mr. Charm. It's raffle time.
Mr. Charm will go
pick the winning ticket.
Nice to have met you both.
Actors.
Attention, everyone!
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to
introduce Mr. Ray Martin
who plays Dr. Scott
on "Doctor's Hospital."
He will now draw the
number of some lucky lady
who will win a walk-on
part on "Doctor's Hospital."
( applause )
Max!
You're lamb of the
house of Hart, Mrs. H.
If you have your stubs
ready, the winning number is...
6-8-4!
- ( crowd groans )
- 6-8-4.
No... no... no.
( gasps )
- You got it.
- No!
Mrs. Hart's got the
winning number, 6-8-4!
Here.
Jonathan, please, help me.
Here.
That's not what I meant.
Congratulations.
Can we have a really
nice, big round of applause
for the newest member of
the cast of "Doctor's Hospital,"
Mrs. Jonathan Hart?
And I bought 10 tickets.
Some people have all the luck.
Let's get a shot.
Big smile, Mrs. Hart!
( camera clicks )
And now a big hand
for Mr. Ray Martin!
Well, thank you. Thank
you very much. Thank you.
See you tomorrow at the taping.
- Tomorrow?!
- At 10:00.
The director will walk
you through the scene.
We'll shoot the
episode at 11:00.
You're playing the part of a
beautiful, wealthy Beverly Hills hostess.
One more shot,
real pretty smile.
( camera clicks )
Now, there's a
rewrite due out at 6:00.
Can you meet me at Antonio's?
- It's across the street
from the studio.
- Uh... uh...
Wonderful. I'll see you then.
A beautiful hostess!
Typecasting.
- I'm speechless.
- Not for long.
You gotta learn your lines.
Wait'll I tell my
friends that I won you
a coast-to-coast speaking part.
I can always count on you, Max.
- That's right.
- ( humorless chuckle )
( chatter )
I can't account for the
popularity of soaps, Jennifer,
but it crosses all social
and economic lines.
There's a group of
Harvard professors
that have it in their contracts
that they can't be assigned
classes between 2:30 and 3:00
because they want to
watch "Doctor's Hospital."
( chuckles ) Isn't that amazing?
Ooh, it's time for the
Johnny Carson show.
I told you I've gotta get there.
Damian Drummond
is taping tonight.
Damian's our show's biggest star
and we can't let him down.
Now, your part,
page 49, scene 26... learn it.
The network is
picking up the check.
Good night.
- Thanks very much.
- Good night.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help but overhear.
You are doing a scene
from "Doctor's Hospital."
( chuckles )
Now, you've got to
tell me if Dr. Porter
is going to remarry Monica.
Go ahead, darling. Tell her.
Oh, yes! Oh, I knew it.
I knew you would know.
Oh, come on, tell me.
I don't know.
Nice people from Pasadena,
Harvard professors,
and, uh, Max.
Quite an assortment.
Mm.
Well, darling, if I'm
going to work tomorrow,
I must get some sleep.
My public demands it.
( thuds )
( door closes )
( Jennifer gasps )
Jonathan: It's Lee.
( police radio chatter )
Mr. Hart, you just
finished dinner with him?
Yes. When we came out, Lieutenant,
we didn't see anybody around.
Yeah, well, his keys
and wallet are still there.
I doubt that robbery
was the motive.
Sergeant, I want a
search of this entire area...
Garbage cans,
doorways, everywhere.
I want to find a murder weapon.
He was strangled,
so look for a rope,
a wire, something
like that, all right?
- You need us anymore?
- No, no, no.
Just tell me how
you knew Mr. Blair.
We were having
a meeting with him.
He's with KBHX Television.
My wife is doing a part on
"Doctor's Hospital" tomorrow.
Oh! "Doctor's Hospital," huh?
A few of us down at headquarters
have a little bet going...
Will Timmy turn out to be
Monica's illegitimate kid?
Got any ideas?
No.
- Good night, Lieutenant.
- Yeah, good night.
( car approaches )
Here they are, Freeway.
( Freeway barks )
Where have you been?
We expected you home hours ago.
- Freeway.
- We've been
with the police.
The police?
Yeah, a PR guy that
works on "Doctor's Hospital"
was murdered.
Gee, that's awful. I'm sorry.
Yeah.
His car was parked
in a dark alley.
- That's where they found him.
- Was it a mugging?
They didn't find anything.
I'll get you some coffee.
That's okay, I'd
rather have a drink.
- Wouldn't you, darling?
- Absolutely.
- Should I get it?
- We'll get it, thanks.
Thanks.
Oh, by the way, Mrs. H.,
do you mind if I give
you a list of questions?
Questions?
For the star of your
show, Damian Drummond.
I thought I'd mail
him, but as long
as you're on the show tomorrow,
I thought I might
give them to you.
Oh, sure, Max. I'll take it.
Thank you.
( groans )
- Tired?
- Yeah, a little.
I'd better look at that
part before tomorrow.
You want me to be the critic?
Oh. ( chuckles )
You really are getting a kick
out of me suffering, aren't you?
I get a kick out of
everything you do.
Aww. ( chuckles )
Thank you.
Forget about the part.
- Forget about the part?
- Mm-hmm.
Darling, if I don't
read the part,
I won't know what
my motivation is.
I know what your motivation is.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, what do you
think, Mrs. Hart?
I think it's wonderful.
Thank you, Frank.
What do you think, darling?
- Oh, you look great.
- ( chuckles )
Well, hello, you two. Jonathan.
You look wonderful, Mrs. Hart.
Welcome to "Doctor's Hospital."
Let the good doctor show you
around and how we operate.
I do a terrible
Groucho. I'm sorry.
I don't know if you're familiar
with three-camera operation,
but we have one, two,
and three cameras,
and they're fed onto the
floor through these monitors
so that the director
can set his shots.
This is the area... excuse us.
We'll just thread our
way through here.
Pardon me for a minute.
This is where you'll be
shooting your high-society bash
a little bit later on.
Richard's setting it up now.
Just follow me through.
I'll kind of give you
a tour of the building.
Real flowers. Not everything
is plastic in Hollywood, you see.
( all chuckle )
And right through this
door... Presto change-o.
- A hospital operating theater.
- Isn't this fabulous?
- It's the magic of Holly...
- Oh, no!
Has he spoiled
the magic for you?
- Uh, no...
- Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Hart,
meet Damian Drummond.
- Hello. How are you?
- How do you do?
Wonderful to have you with us.
Thank you very much.
Oh, uh, I have to
ask you a terrific favor.
Would you mind giving
me an autograph?
My pleasure.
"To Max."
"Max."
My public.
Oh, Mr. Hart, would you mind
if I'm the one to give
Jennifer the grand tour?
- Of course.
- Oh.
Right this way.
Excuse me, darling. Excuse me.
Seems to be quite
nice for the villain.
Oh, yes, he's the
man you love to hate.
Our nation has made
him our show's superstar,
the J.R. of daytime,
you might say.
- But you're the hero.
- Ha.
- Don't they root for you?
- No, no, Jonathan.
Heroes are a dime
a dozen, but villains,
now that's something else again.
No, if Damian doesn't like
the script, it gets rewritten,
and sometimes
rewritten and rewritten
until he does like it.
I guess it's my
New York training.
I was brought up on the
stage, and to wind up here
in Tinseltown with
a joker like that
who's been in the business
a fast 20 minutes taking over,
it just... ( shudders )
Well, I guess I really
shouldn't complain.
I mean, whatever
keeps the fans tuning in
keeps food on my table, too.
You seem to be
handling it realistically.
( sighs ) You have to in
this business, Jonathan.
Oh, I'm sorry I
sounded off like that.
I guess we're
all a little on edge
because of what happened to Lee.
The police told
us you found him.
Yes, we did, but I'm afraid
we couldn't offer much help.
That's a tragedy.
That's a real tragedy.
- Ray.
- Oh, Richard.
I'd like you to meet
Jonathan Hart.
This is Richard Bauer,
our producer and director.
- Mr. Hart, a pleasure.
- And over your left shoulder
is Mrs. Hart, your winner.
Jennifer, please.
- Jennifer, congratulations.
- Thank you very much.
Now there's nothing
to be nervous about.
We're all one happy family
here. You're gonna be terrific.
- Are you sure?
- You bet. Now come
right on the set.
- We're ready for rehearsal.
- Oh, boy.
Aw, you're gonna be wonderful.
I'll pick you up around 3:00.
And, uh, as they
say... Break a leg.
Thanks.
Come along.
Richard: Okay,
people, let's do it!
Blocking rehearsal
for the actors.
Quiet, everybody.
This is a rehearsal!
Let's have it quiet, please!
Anybody not involved
with this scene,
please step behind the cameras.
Ray, you want to
stay by the table.
Jennifer and Damian,
come here by the sofa.
We'll bring you some champagne.
And Monica... where's Monica?
Right here, right here.
Monica, sweetheart,
- we'll have you
inside of Ray...
- Excuse me.
- Telling a story.
- Mm-hmm.
Very funny.
At the end, you'll
excuse yourself.
Come back here
to meet Jennifer...
- Have you met Jennifer?
- No, no.
Oh, Jennifer Hart,
Monica Haines.
Hello.
And you'll finish
the scene over here.
Now the champagne
will come through here.
And then picked up
on Dick. Sweep past.
Number two camera will
pick it up, and off you go.
All right, are we ready to go?
- Let's do it.
- ( bell rings )
And atmosphere,
people. Keep it lively.
Remember, this is a
party. It's not a funeral.
All right, everybody,
from the top!
Let's have it quiet, please!
In five, four, three,
two, one, action!
( chatter and laughter )
Oh, dear. ( laughs )
So the man says, "Mother,
how could you
have eaten that bird?
It spoke seven languages."
And his mother says, "So
why didn't he say something?"
( laughter )
- That's good, that's good.
- Excuse me a moment.
That's brilliant.
My dear, where did
you get that dress?
- Cut it, cut it.
- Something wrong?
Monica, sweetheart,
let's try and cooperate.
It's supposed to be "My dear,
where did you get that dress?"
You like the dress.
So sorry.
Yes, let's take it from
the end of your joke.
She has a problem with other
attractive women on the set.
I'll speak to her.
- ( bell rings ) - Quiet,
everybody. From Monica's line.
In five, four, three,
two, one, action!
And the mother says, "So
why didn't he say something?"
( laughter )
Excuse me.
My dear, where did
you get that dress?
Oh, I'm glad you like it.
My seamstress made it for me.
Oh. Well, you must give
me the name of the shop.
And cut! Beautiful! Beautiful!
10-minute break, everyone,
and then we'll put one on tape.
All right, that's a
10-minute break.
Jennifer, that was
wonderful. You're lovely.
- Oh, my.
- You know,
you're very believable.
( chuckles ) I'll believe
that when I see it.
Tune in tomorrow at
2:30 and see for yourself.
Jennifer, Bill
Stegmeyer, the writer.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
I enjoy the show.
Well, thanks. I used to.
Ah. Wanna sit in the
makeup chair here?
Oh.
Uh, Bill has been a
little under siege lately.
He came up with a major
divorce for Ken and Sylvia,
and the network then said they
wanted them to have a baby.
Using a surrogate mother.
I can't wait to see what
they'll come up with next.
But Ken and Sylvia can't
get back together again.
- You see, Bill? Another fan.
- I'm amazed.
Well, Max... he lives with us.
Max watches the
program every day.
I just see it when
I'm walking...
It's okay, Mrs. Hart.
We all watch the show.
( chuckles ) You do?
But, you see, you've...
You've written Ken and
Sylvia so convincingly
that I don't see how they
could possibly reconcile.
It's called writing
yourself into a corner.
Unless... Unless what?
Unless, uh...
Sylvia breaks down.
She pours her heart out to Ken
and he sees, for the first time,
that they could
start all over again.
That's pretty good.
Why didn't we think of it?
We don't make the big bucks.
It's too bad you won't
be around to help me
write the next five episodes.
- Me? ( laughs )
- There won't be
five more episodes
- if we don't get cracking.
- He's a slave driver,
isn't he?
All right, everybody,
we're back!
Let's do it! Places!
All right, everybody, our
five's over! We're back!
Hello.
- Hi, darling.
- Are you celebrating?
Uh, negotiating.
- Negotiating?
- Mm.
You must have read
that one line pretty well.
She was terrific, Mr. Hart.
She's sensational.
I know that. ( chuckles )
Actually, we're trying
to convince your wife
to work with us on
the next few scripts.
A writer-actor?
Alan Alda better watch out.
Oh, come on.
She made us rethink the
whole Ken-Sylvia reconciliation.
And to top it off,
gave us a beautiful
way to solve it.
I told them I've only
written a couple of books
and some magazine articles,
but they're determined.
We certainly are. She
should work with us.
What better experience
could you want
to write an article about
"A Week on a Soap Opera,"
by Jennifer Hart?
Max would be devoted forever.
It might be fun.
We could use a fresh viewpoint.
You know, you're
going to need an agent.
Oh, I don't think so.
I could negotiate it for you.
Yes, I suppose you could.
Go easy, Mr. Hart.
This is daytime. We
don't have the big bucks.
I want you to know that this is
not gonna be an easy negotiation.
Uh, what do you have in mind?
Well, I think you
ought to write a check
for whatever you think is
fair to Jennifer's Wildlife Fund.
You're a hard
negotiator, Mr. Hart.
It's a deal.
Remember, whatever's fair.
Welcome to the family.
Thank you.
Bill: It's the only way to
take it. Jennifer's right.
If Ken and Sylvia are gonna come
to this enormous understanding,
we've got to end the
affair she's been having,
and the only way I
can see doing that
is to write Ray
Martin out of the show.
Haven't you got
other alternatives?
Ray's been a running
character for five years.
The network says his
fan mail is dropping,
and we need another
victim for our villain.
Damn it.
All right... why don't
you and Jennifer
put it on paper first?
I'll look at it,
then decide if
Ray stays or goes.
Bill: Sure, leave me to
work through the night.
Richard: At least
you're working.
Next week, you and
I have a place to go.
Ray may have a problem.
Look at this!
Max certainly outdid himself.
I thought we were supposed to
have salad and cold poached salmon.
Yes, we do seem to be
dressed wrong for the room.
Max!
At your service!
Dinner is served.
Royal crown of lamb,
vegetables jardinière,
and potatoes rissole.
Potatoes russole?
Rissole! Sautéed in oil.
Max, what is the occasion?
No occasion, Mrs. H.
Just the smile on your
face is reward enough.
What makes you happy,
Mrs. H., makes me happy.
I'm a man who derives pleasure
from the happiness of others.
Max, I've known you
too long. Get to the point.
The point... The
point is, Mrs. H.,
that you're writing
the next few episodes,
and I got the inside track.
On what?
Do you realize how much
money is wagered coast to coast
on who does what to
whom on soap operas?
Max!
You're not suggesting that I...
I'm not suggesting.
I'm pleading.
Just tell me who murdered
Diane on "Doctor's Hospital."
I'll put a few hundred
on it, and I'll clean up.
I can't do that, Max!
It's unethical.
That ain't unethical.
It's an inside tip.
I'm not tipping.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Here's your roast.
Whoa!
Ready for your 4:00
script conference?
Oh, yes. I'm just gonna make it.
Mrs. H., I'm kind of
sorry I nudged you
about the inside
dope in your show.
Oh, that's all right, Max.
I hope it didn't interfere
with your creative flow.
It didn't.
The flow flowed.
- ( buzzer buzzes )
- ( barks )
Yeah, who is it?
Hi, this is Ray Martin.
Is Mrs. Hart there?
I'm sorry, Mr. Martin,
she just left
to deliver her new
script for the show.
Oh, I see.
Uh, do you suppose
it would be all right
if I used your telephone?
For you? Of course, Mr. Martin.
- Come on up.
- ( buzzer buzzes )
Thanks a lot.
Freeway, this guy
coming up is a big TV star.
- So make a good impression.
- ( barks )
- Hi, I'm Ray Martin.
- I'm Max.
Hi, Max, I remember. We
met at the Hays party, yeah.
Wow, this is quite a place.
So, Max, I understand
Mrs. Hart's script
is just gonna save
our show for us.
I wish I could tell you.
Oh, come on, Max, you
mean you didn't even get
one little hint as to
what she had in mind?
I couldn't believe it.
You'd think she's
working for the CIA.
I guess loose lips sink scripts.
Ah, Max, didn't you
even get a peek?
Nah. I figure if it's that
important to Mrs. H.,
I'll do it her way.
I ain't even gonna
read the carbon copies.
You want to use the
phone? Come on in.
Oh, thanks.
You can use the
phone in the kitchen.
Uh, Max?
This is... this is kind of a personal
call, you know what I mean?
I was wondering, if
it's all right with you,
if there's a phone
out here somewhere.
Be my guest. There's
a phone on the desk.
Come on, Freeway,
he wants to be alone.
- ( barks ) - Thanks,
Max. You're a real pal.
Oh, hi, Jackie, this is Ray.
Uh, no, no, I'm not at
the station right now.
Um... no, I probably won't...
get back there until
later this afternoon.
Uh... yeah, I'll
keep you posted.
Right.
Uh, no, no, don't call me, Jack.
I'll... I'll get back to you.
( whining )
( door closes )
Hey, wait a minute, Freeway.
He's making a personal call.
- ( barks )
- If Lassie came to visit you,
would I be rude?
( car engine starts )
- ( car departs )
- ( Freeway barks )
Mr. Martin?
Freeway, where'd he go?
I have to say that Elizabeth
Taylor is our biggest fan.
She wrote the show and
says she tries never to miss it.
Isn't that amazing?
Damian, how did you
become Dr. Porter?
Well, there was no
Dr. Porter when I started.
I mean, I had a three-line
walk-on when I started.
- A party guest.
- Really?
Yeah, and then the great
American public wrote in
and they said,
"Who is that guy?"
So they created the role
of Dr. Porter just for me.
Now, you are
standing in the house...
that Damian Drummond built.
- Rags to riches.
- That's right.
I know there are some actors
on the show who are jealous
of my meteoric rise,
but that's show business.
Mmm, speaking of
show business, it's 4:00.
I'm supposed to
meet Bill in his office.
- I'll see you later.
- All right.
- At the rehearsal
tomorrow.
- Yes.
Oh, look at you.
Hi, Richard.
This is half-hour television.
Looks to me like you're trying
to put together
a six-part movie.
Have you seen Bill?
I was supposed to
meet him back here.
Bill keeps a schedule that
only a writer can understand.
- Oh?
- Fiction.
Funny, funny.
Look, it's getting late.
We're knocking off early.
Want to join us for a
drink across the street?
Oh, no, thanks. I'll
just wait here for Bill.
Dedication, commitment.
I like it. See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow. Let's see...
Now...
( knock on door )
All alone?
- Oh, hi, Ray.
- Hi.
If you want to catch
up with everybody,
they're across the
street having a drink.
Oh, they are? Oh, no, thanks.
Actually, I was just, uh...
just trying to
catch up with you.
Me?
You say you saw nobody
run away from the car, huh?
I just found his
body slumped over
in the front seat, Lieutenant.
That's an interesting idea.
Somehow I doubt that
he strangled himself,
dropped dead, and
then stashed the weapon.
I'm only the building
manager. I'm not Dick Tracy.
That's all I found in
the trunk, Lieutenant.
- What's this?
- Looks like a TV script.
"Doctor's Hospital."
Oh, yeah? My wife watches that.
She's been real curious trying
to find out who killed somebody.
Yeah, things on
"Doctor's Hospital"
making me real
curious these days, too.
Go ahead, finish
up here, will you?
Thanks for your
help, Mr. Donovan.
- Appreciate it.
- Sure, sure.
Yeah, this is Davern.
I want you to patch
me in to station KBHX.
So you've been
writing ever since, eh?
Yes, ever since.
Hmm. How's it coming?
Oh, well, this is, uh...
This is very different.
But it's challenging.
I'd like to to see it.
Oh, I don't think they
want all the actors to see it
because it's still rough.
Oh.
Well, I just thought
maybe I could get a jump
on the direction the story
line was going in, that's all.
Oh, well, I'm not so
sure that the story line
is going in this direction.
It's just that Bill
wanted me to work on it.
( chuckles ) I don't really think
you're gonna have to worry
about whether
Bill likes it or not.
Oh, well, he is my boss.
He's the head writer.
He was.
- I don't think...
- Sit down, Mrs. Hart!
Sit.
Well... well, well.
You do have an
inventive style, Mrs. Hart.
However, I think that
you've made one...
slight mistake.
You see, I don't
die in the last act.
You do.
Send him in.
- Lieutenant Davern.
- Thank you.
Hello, Lieutenant.
- Thanks very much, Janice.
- You're welcome, Mr. Hart.
Glad I caught you in, Mr. Hart.
- Can I get you a drink?
- No, no, thanks.
- I'm on duty.
- What's on your mind?
What I'd really like to
do is talk to Mrs. Hart,
you see, about that soap
opera walk-on she did.
- Mrs. Hart?
- Yeah.
Well, Mrs. Hart is
due here about 6:00
because we are going
out and having dinner.
Yes, I know. I
called your house.
That's what Max said.
Tell me, Mr. Hart, did
she ever talk to you
about the backstage
life at the show?
The backstage life of the show?
Yeah, you know,
the sort of thing like
did the star fight with
the makeup man?
Or did the producer
want to kill the writer?
Gossip, that sort
of stuff, you know.
That sounds like soap-opera
material, not like real life.
Oh, yeah, well, real life has
taken a beating these days
at "Doctor's Hospital."
We got people dying
like flies over there.
First you have the
PR man who's killed,
and now we have a second murder.
Writer, guy by the
name of Bill Stegmeyer.
Bill Stegmeyer.
So you see, I'd really
like to talk to Mrs. Hart.
She's at the studio right now.
I thought she already
did her walk-on.
She did, but they
asked her to come back
and write some material.
With, uh, Bill Stegmeyer.
Now, wait, the
only person working
with Bill Stegmeyer
now is the coroner.
You sure she's there?
Yeah, I'm positive she's there.
I just called the show.
There was no answer.
Ray: And they'd never
dream of killing off Damian!
Oh, no! He gets awards!
If he doesn't like the
scripts, they change it!
And Damian makes a
million dollars a year!
And Damian's on the
cover of every fan magazine!
"Damian, is he really a devil?"
"Damian tells the world
it's so difficult to be Damian!"
Damian came here a year
ago with a five-page scene.
What do they do?!
They build him up! They
make him a superstar!
I'm better than he is!
I play Dr. Scott,
nice Dr. Scott.
And I truly am the devil,
but no one knows that.
No one even suspects.
That is award-winning acting.
But, Ray, they're not even
sure they're gonna do this story.
They just asked
me to work on it.
And do you know...
it's a tragedy.
No one will ever
know that my entire life
has been one superb performance.
Dr. Scott's already gotten away
with two murders, you know.
And now no one will ever
know what's in your script!
( both shout )
( siren wailing )
( tires screech )
Hey, what's your
hurry? Slow down.
- Studio 10.
- That set's been closed for...
I'll find out myself. Open up.
All right, all right.
( siren wailing )
It's not gonna do
any good to hide!
There's nowhere
to go! ( grunts )
I wrote this scene, Jennifer!
And you're gonna
die just like Lee Blair
for degrading me!
And like Bill Stegmeyer
because he wrote me out!
There's nowhere to hide!
No! Oh! No.
This...
this will be the
kindest cut of all.
Jennifer?
On the set!
- No, Ray.
- Come any closer
and I'll kill her right now!
You don't have to do this.
Now I'll get the attention!
I'm the star of this show!
I'll have the spotlight.
( whispers ) Keep him talking.
May be harder than it looks.
There's no place
that you can go.
You're so wrong!
Up! I can go up!
This is the beginning
of a brilliant new career!
Dr. Scott, put down the scalpel.
Oh... oh, yes.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute,
you're not the director!
This is a closed set!
Only cast and crew
are allowed in here!
And this is your greatest
performance since Broadway.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the award for the best
actor in a continuing series...
goes to Ray Martin.
Did you hear that?
The award goes to Ray Martin.
Oh...
Don't you hear
the applause, Ray?
Did he say Ray Martin?
- That's me!
- Yes.
- They called me?
- Uh-huh.
Oh! They called me!
Oh... Oh, thank you!
Thank you so much.
I am so grateful for this award.
Oh, and there are so
many people to thank.
First, a wonderful
cast and crew.
And all of the little people
who make it possible!
But most important...
Most important of all...
I would like to thank
all of you fans out there
whose loyalty means more to me
than this or any award!
I love you.
Oh... thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Fade to black.
Jennifer: I can't believe it.
You make love to another
woman on our anniversary
and you expect me
to look the other way?!
Jonathan: Enough
about her already.
Let's talk about us.
There never will be an us.
You're... you're
not saying it's over?
It never began.
I love you.
And although Julian
may never walk again,
I owe him everything.
But, darling, without
you, I'll subsist.
Subsist?
Yes. Fade away,
die of heartbreak.
Well, then why didn't
you just say that?
Because that's not the
way Dr. Porters talks.
That's not the way anyone talks.
Have I ever told you you're
the most beautiful woman
I've ever met?
That's not in the script.
And even if you write
things like "subsist,"
I'll always love you.
You're changing my words!
Who needs the words?
( Freeway barking )
♪