Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 3, Episode 5 - Murder Up Their Sleeve - full transcript

NARRATOR: This is
my boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of
them, which ain't easy,

'cause when they
met, it was murder.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

JONATHAN: Any more
questions, gentlemen?



Just, uh, one or two more,
if you don't mind, Mr. Hart.

No, go right ahead.

But the FBI would like to
thank you for all your help.

It's been my pleasure.

You know, you were lucky.

You got wise to Simon Brewster

before he took your
company for a ride.

Well, it wasn't too difficult.

What he was selling
seemed crooked.

MAN: It was.

His stock certificates
were made out of thin air.

He swindled people
out of millions.

They're always looking
for something for nothing.

That little fault
of human nature



is what every con man relies on.

Are you having any
luck in finding Brewster?

We're still looking. He
may be in South America.

You, uh, realize
that he threatened

to come back and
get you, Mr. Hart?

Well, I've been
threatened before.

It, um, goes with the territory.

Uh, my agency's looking too.

You're not with the FBI?

Oh, no, I'm with the
Internal Revenue Service.

Uh, by the way, uh,

there are a few deductions
you took last year

that I wanted to ask you about.

[CHUCKLES]

That's just a little IRS joke.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello. JENNIFER: Darling?

Oh, hi, darling. How are you?

How's it going?

Well, it's coming
along, but slowly.

Remind me never to accept

any last-minute magazine
assignments again.

Oh, darling,

we're not gonna be
able to make that benefit.

I've given Max the invitations.

He's delighted. He
loves magic shows.

Oh, well, that's great.

I'll be home in
a bit, all right?

Bye-bye. Okay. Bye-bye. Mwah.

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me, Mrs. H,

but is there anything
you want before I go?

I don't think so, Max.

Well, don't you look smashing?

I'd better.

It isn't every day
that I get a chance

to see Marcus The Magnificent.

He's supposed to be
one of the best magicians

since Houdini.

Marlene and I are looking
forward to this show.

Marlene?

I don't seem to
recall a Marlene.

I just met her. [HORN HONKING]

That must be her now.

She's picking you up?

She's a very modern lady.

And that's the way I like 'em.

Oh.

Have a nice time.

Thank you. Good night.

MAN: Good evening,
welcome to the Magic Palace.

MAGICIAN: Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

For my next little
swindle... Uh, miracle.

I would like to show you

a common ordinary
piece of window glass

and a solid iron nail.

Madam.

Ain't this something?

May I see your
invitation, sir, please?

Sure.

Here.

Thank you, Mr. Hart.

Mrs. Hart.

Hey, wait a minute. I ain't...

If they think we're the Harts,
maybe we'll get better service.

[FANFARE PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

ANNOUNCER: And
now, ladies and gentlemen,

Marcus The Magnificent
and his assistant, Vickie.

[DRUM ROLLING]

Oh, boy, this is gonna be great.

[MELLOW MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm Marcus The Magnificent.

Something you'll remember
the longest day you live.

Hup! [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE OOHS, APPLAUDS]

Ain't he fantastic?

For my next
illusion, I would like

to request the
help of a volunteer.

And for this, my
assistant Vickie

will escort a volunteer
from the audience.

Why don't you volunteer?

Listen, I learned one
thing in the service.

Never volunteer for nothing.

[SCOFFS]

Would you?

Who me? No, thanks.

Oh, sure, come on. Come on.

MARCUS: Step right
up, sir, don't be shy.

I think the gentleman
needs a little encouragement.

You seem rather uncomfortable.

Yeah, I am, a little.

May I light your cigar for you?

Oh, no. No, thanks.

Uh, perhaps you'd
rather be somewhere else.

I would.

MARCUS: Then I'll not keep you

a second longer than necessary.

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

[♪♪♪]

Would you step into
the booth, if you please.

Sit down, be comfortable.

Because you're about
to go on a wonderful trip.

Now wave goodbye.

Can you hear me in
there? Knock if you can.

Now...

Well, I'll be.

Obviously a man of wealth.

May we give a big
hand to a good sport,

wherever he may be.

[♪♪♪]

Who are you?

You're not Jonathan Hart.

True, true and true.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

This is the wrong man.

He had the Harts' invitation.

Who is he?

The Harts' chauffeur, Max.

I'll get rid of him.

No.

Not until he outlives
his usefulness.

Oh, excuse me, sir,
have you seen my date?

He was the man the
magician made disappear.

Personally, I
think he overdid it.

Oh, yes.

I believe he left
shortly afterwards,

via the stage door.

May I get your coat? [SIGHS]

Yes, thank you.

[SCOFFS]

Max, if I ever see
you, I will kill you.

[♪♪♪]

Any luck?

Zero. No one seems
to know where Max is.

You don't think anything
happened to him, do you?

Like an accident or
something? Well, let's hope not.

What's that?

This is Max's little black book.

Do you happen to remember

the name of Max's
date last night?

Marlene.

Marlene.

Do you think we ought to?

It's the only
thing I know to try.

There sure are a lot
of Marlenes in here.

JONATHAN: Thanks very much.

Anything?

That was Marlene the butcher.

That side of veal
that Max ordered is in.

And Marlene Simpson hasn't
seen Max since the wedding.

But she's getting a divorce
and wants him to call.

[CHUCKLES]

[BARKS]

Ah, don't worry,
boy. We'll find him.

Hello, is Marlene there?

Ah, Marlene, this
is Jonathan Hart.

Yes, uh, Max does work for me.

Max!

If you ever see that guy again,

you tell him that
I want to kill him.

You wouldn't believe
what he did to me.

We went to this wonderful place.

Creep walked right out on me

in the middle of our
date... We struck pay dirt.

Humiliated in all my life.

[♪♪♪]

JONATHAN: No wonder our
cars have been running so well.

Hey, buddy.

Buddy.

MARLENE: It's Ms. Buddy!

Just a second.

Give me a hand, will you, ace.

Marlene? Yeah.

I'm Jonathan Hart.

This is my wife Jennifer.

We're friends of Max's.

Well, let me tell you, no
friend of Max is a friend of mine.

Never been so
humiliated in all my life.

What happened?

The creep walked right out on me

in the middle of our date.

Doesn't sound like Max.

Well, maybe being
the star of a magic show

went to his head.

The star of a magic show? Yeah.

He got right up on the stage

and did a disappearing act,
with Marcus the magician.

What kind of a disappearing act?

Well, he got this box.

And then Marcus sort of
waved the wand a couple of times

and presto, you
know, just this cigar.

Then he did a
disappearing act on me.

He never came back?

Right out the
stage door, Johnny.

He didn't come home last night.

Well, maybe he found
some, uh, showgirl backstage.

Marlene,

we think that something
has happened to Max.

Now, can you think of anything
else that happened last night?

Gee, I don't know.

Oh...

when we arrived, they
called us Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

Oh, that's because I
gave him our invitation.

Gee, if he didn't split
on me for somebody else

and if he didn't
come home last night,

I wonder what happened to him.

I don't know, but
it wasn't magic.

Thanks a lot.

[♪♪♪]

[MAN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Sounds like he just
heard a good one.

Yeah, as long as
the joke is not on us.

MAN [OVER INTERCOM]:
Welcome to the Magic Palace.

Come in, please.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Look at this.

Play "Melancholy Baby."

[PIANO PLAYING
"MELANCHOLY BABY"]

That's wonderful.

A bit literal-minded, isn't it?

[PIANO STOPS]

JENNIFER: Maybe
someone can see us,

but I sure can't see them.

[♪♪♪]

Hello?

Hello?

Mr. and Mrs. Hart, I'm Marcus.

May I help you?

I hope so.

Uh, by the way, that was
quite a spectacular entrance.

[CHUCKLES]

Forgive the theatrics.
Force of habit.

Now, how may I help you?

A friend of ours
disappeared here last night.

His first name is Max.
He's about 6 feet tall.

Kind of a husky voice.

Oh, wearing a black tuxedo

and a red carnation
in his lapel?

That's right.

Yes, in fact, he did help
me in one of my illusions.

One I think that you would
be rather interested in.

Would you join me, please?

Your friend disappeared
in an enclosure,

well, not unlike this one.

Ah, but... But I digress.

Yes, you do.

All we wanted to know was
what time Max left here last night.

Hmm. Well, I'm
not exactly certain.

However, why don't I ask him?

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Now, if you would be so kind

as to count to three.

One... two... three.

[♪♪♪]

[GROWLING]

[♪♪♪]

[ROARING]

Interesting illusion.

The end's somewhat
different, however,

than when I performed
it with your friend.

[KITTEN MEOWS]

Are you out of your mind?

You were never in danger
at any time, Mr. Hart.

I wish someone would
have told that to the tiger.

Ah, he wouldn't bite
anyone unless provoked.

What happened to Max
after the trick was finished?

He was led backstage.

Then what happened?

Uh, then he, um...

He left by the stage
door over there.

JENNIFER: About
what time was that?

About 11:00.

Don't you think it's
strange that Max left

and didn't return to his table?

It did seem rather odd.

Excuse me. There's a
phone call for Mr. Hart.

It's the police.

Lieutenant Grey.

There's a telephone
by the bar, Mr. Hart.

Thanks.

Why...?

Why would the police be
calling here for Mr. Hart?

Oh, we told them we'd be here.

They're checking the hospitals

and accident reports for Max.

Oh, I see.

Well, if there's nothing more

that I can do for
you, Mrs. Hart,

I... I do have a
rather busy day.

I wish you luck in
finding your friend.

I certainly hope that
he reappears magically.

[♪♪♪]

Lieutenant Grey said
that they haven't found

anybody of Max's description.

[JENNIFER SIGHS]

Well, at least he
wasn't in an accident.

Darling, what did
you think of Marcus?

I didn't like him or
his old black magic.

Here's your lunch.

No, thanks, I ain't hungry.

What's going on here anyway?

I can't tell you.

Who do I have to talk
to, to get out of this joint?

Not me.

Look... mister,

I'm really sorry you're
caught up in this mess.

You ain't the only
one who's sorry.

Hey, I see you
found the prop box.

Learn any new tricks?

The only trick I want to learn

is how to fly this coop.

Here.

Try this one.

Four ropes, right?

Watch. Heh.

Ta-dum. It's magic.

Hey, that ain't bad. You're
a pretty good magician.

Thanks.

Having a trick rope helps.

Look, I don't like any of this.

I never would have gone
along with them if I had known.

MAX: How did you ever get
mixed up with these bums?

They're dangerous.

[♪♪♪]

VICKIE: For money.
A lot of money.

I just didn't know
how far they'd go.

Believe me, I don't
want you to get hurt.

But I will, you know that.

And that won't be the end of it.

Look, Vickie, take my advice.

Get out of it.

Take whatever rap
you got coming to you

and get out of it.

Capisce?

JONATHAN: Right, lieutenant.

I understand.

Well, anything you
could do to help us out,

we'd certainly appreciate it.

Thank you. Bye.

What did he say?

He said that even though
it's only been a day,

that he's gonna pull
a couple of strings

and send out a missing
person's report on Max.

Ah, thank goodness.

[PHONE RINGS]

Maybe it's the prodigal
son announcing his return?

Wouldn't that be great?

Hello?

Listen, I know where Max is.

I wanna help,

but they can't find
out I told you, okay?

Hello?

Hello, are you still there?

Who is this?

I can't talk here.
Can you meet me?

Of course. Where?

At, um, 11th and Santee.

A friend of mine
has a place there.

In, say, a half an hour?

Why Max?

Listen, it was you they wanted.

And if they get
you, they'll kill you.

Max is a really nice
man and I wanna help.

So meet me.

But no police, understand?

Anything you want.

In a half-hour.

[DIAL TONE HUMMING]

Sounds like a very nervous lady.

I know.

Let's go.

[♪♪♪]

JONATHAN: Presto. Acme
magic supply company.

Hello? Anyone here?

Well, they're not exactly
doing a land office business.

Maybe they ought to pull a
few customers out of a hat.

[♪♪♪]

[CLATTERING]

What was that?

I don't know, but
I'll check it out.

You wait here.

[CREAKING]

Jonathan!

Jonathan!

Jonathan!

Watch out.

Grab those balls. Put
'em... Put 'em in there.

[GRUNTS]

Get the other one.

[YELPS]

Well, that certainly put
him behind the eight ball.

Darling, come here.

Look.

Well, they're
very nice, darling,

but I don't think they
go with our decor.

No, no, there was a dead
body in the baby bear's chair.

Just a minute ago.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I hope we have more luck

with your friend, the professor,

than we did with
Lieutenant Grey.

Well, they couldn't
find the body, darling.

There wasn't any evidence.

Not much to go on.

Oh, there's Elliot.

Ah.

Elliot.

Well, Jonathan Hart.

What a surprise.

I don't believe you've ever
met my wife, uh, Jennifer.

A beautiful woman
needs no introduction.

Oh. My dear.

Oh, what?

[CHUCKLING] I'm sorry, my dear.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, look at that.

Once a magician, always
a magician, I'm afraid.

It is a bird, isn't it?

Bye-bye, birdie.

There.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Now, what could I do for you?

[BELL TOLLING]

Elliot, uh,

we need some information
on the Magic Palace.

Magic Palace.

Marcus The
Magnificent is the owner.

He makes a mint
of money I heard.

Have you ever heard of anything

illegal going on in there?

Other than overcharging
for drinks, no.

Uh, why do you ask?

Well, you remember
my friend Max?

Uh, yes.

He went into the Magic
Palace the other night,

participated in a trick and
hasn't been seen since.

Strange. What sort of a trick?

Well, he went into a box.

And then when the box
was opened, he was gone.

And a personal effect
was all that remained.

That's right. Let me guess.

Uh, a pair of glasses.

A cigar.

Cigar.

It's part of the
trick. I know it well.

That trick, cigar and all,

was stolen from
Merlin The Magnificent.

That's the kind of a
magician young Marcus is.

I sometimes think he must have
taken lessons from his brother.

His brother?

You must know
him. Simon Brewster.

Simon Brewster?

Wait a minute.

Wasn't he the man who
tried to involve Hart Industries

in a phony stock swindle?

That is the man.

Then he left the country
before they could grab him.

But I doubt that Marcus

has anything to do
with Brewster now.

I wonder.

Brewster wouldn't dare
come back into this country.

He has more suits pending
than a Hong Kong tailor.

Well, thanks very much, Elliot.

Uh, you've been very
helpful and I appreciate it.

It's my pleasure.

Uh, is there anything
else I can do?

This perhaps?

[CHUCKLING]

That's fabulous.

That's great.

I only wish

that I could conjure
up your friend.

I'm sorry we
disturbed your lunch.

Oh, that's quite
all right, Jonathan.

We magicians don't
eat much anyway.

[LAUGHS]

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye Thanks again.

It's just amazing.

Well, what do you think?

Everything keeps pointing
to the Magic Palace.

Yeah, I think we'll
go back there again.

Only this time, we'll make
a surprise appearance.

They've been closed
for an hour now.

I think we can try it. Let's go

[♪♪♪]

It's only a dummy.

Like the person who
left it hanging around.

Shut the door.

[DOOR OPENING]

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Hart?

Thank you.

[SCREAMS]

Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

You're not entirely unexpected.

We were in the neighborhood
and thought we'd drop in.

Max, you all right?

Don't worry about me, I'm okay.

If you're the daddy,
who's the mummy?

I'm sorry.

Let me introduce my brother,

Simon Brewster.

We've met before,
I'm sorry to say.

I've been eager to see
you again, Jonathan.

I never forgot you.

Never forgot how helpful
you were to the police.

They're still looking
for you, Simon.

Why'd you come back?

SIMON: Because I
have a new job lined up,

as head of Hart Industries.

The minute you show your face,

you'll be arrested.

[CHUCKLES]

That's true.

But I won't be arrested
if the face I show...

is yours.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

It's unbelievable.

Plastic surgery can
do wonders these days.

Except for those lines and
a little around the eyes...

he looks exactly like you.

Admittedly, one or two
people might suspect

that I'm not the
real Jonathan Hart.

But they, like other annoyances,

can be gotten rid of.

JONATHAN: It'll never work.

You don't sound like me.

Practice makes
perfect, Jonathan.

You'll trip yourself
up, sooner or later.

Hopefully, it will be later.

In the meantime,

I'll have control of your
wonderful corporate empire.

It shouldn't take more than
two or three days to arrange

the dumping of three or 400,000
shares of Hart Industry stock

in the market.

You seem to have
worked it all out.

I knew you'd appreciate a
good business mind at work.

I moved their car
into the garage.

Ah, good.

Wilkes,

get Mr. Hart's
wallet and his keys.

I'll be in need of those.

Then tie them up.

Goodbye, Jonathan, forever.

[♪♪♪]

MARCUS: Come on, let's go.

All right.

Put your hands behind your back.

Come on.

Okay.

[HUMMING]

♪ That old black magic ♪

♪ That you knew so well ♪

♪ That old black magic ♪

♪ Has me in the spell ♪

You're being awfully
cheery about this.

Wilkes made a little mistake.

He tied me up with a trick rope.

Max The Magnificent.

Are the clothes as good
a match as the face?

The illusion's perfect.

No illusion, my dear brother.

For all practical purposes,
I am Jonathan Hart.

Wilkes,

will you eliminate my
double and his playmates.

With pleasure.

Oh, thanks, Max.

Now, let's get the
hell out of here.

How? This place is
locked up tight as a drum.

[DOOR OPENS]

Shh. Come on.

You're hiding.

Good.

I love big game hunting.

Hi.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

Flowers?

How kind of you.

I must remember
to return the favor.

[GONG RINGS]

J. Arthur Rank presents.

How we gonna get out of here?

Quickly, I hope.

Let's try that door.

[GROWLS]

Easy, kitty.

Nice kitty, nice
kitty, nice kitty.

[SIGHS]

Maybe we better try the stairs.

Okay, darling.

JONATHAN: Max?

Max!

Are you all right?

MAX: I'm fine.

Try the lock, Max.

There might be a release.

MAX: I'm looking. I'm looking.

SIMON: He can look all he likes.

But it won't open.

I've seen to that.

Nice clothes, aren't they?

Now I'm your spitting image.

Clothes don't make a man.

[♪♪♪]

[GROWLING]

Well, this place
is full of surprises.

That's the fun of it.

Now you see it, now you don't.

[JONATHAN GROANS]

[SIMON YELLS]

[GROWLING]

Don't worry.

The police will be
here by dinner time.

[ROARING]

Is that you?

Of course it's me.

How can I be sure?

Any doubts?

I think I need a little
more convincing.

Well, after we let Max out,

I'll take you home and
give you proof positive.

Oh.

[GIGGLES]

[♪♪♪]

Cocktails for two.

Thanks, Max.

Oh, thanks. Darling.

Hey, you folks got a minute?

Sure.

I think I got this
trick down pat.

I thought you gave up magic.

I have, but this
is a special trick.

Come on.

Pick a card, any card.

Go ahead.

Ah.

MAX: Look at it.

Don't tell me what it is.

Now, put it back in the deck.

Shuffle the deck.

Notice my hands
do not touch a card.

Max The Magnificent.

All right. What next?

Cut them.

Here's your card.

King of hearts.

That's amazing.

That is great.

How did you do that?

Magicians never tell.

But it requires skill, technique
and years of practice.

[BUZZER BUZZES] Oops.

Dinner's ready.

That's absolutely fantastic.

Yeah, I wonder how he did it.

Well, you heard him:

"skill, technique and
years of practice."

And the right deck of cards.

What?

JONATHAN: You know,

Max really is magnificent.

Oh, yeah?

Wait till we taste the roast.

[♪♪♪]