Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 3, Episode 3 - Hartland Express - full transcript

Due to an airline strike the Harts have to travel from Chicago to Los Angeles. They unwittingly get caught up in a murder plot involving other passengers.

my boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of
them, which ain't easy,

'cause when they
met, it was murder.



♪ Chicago, Chicago ♪

♪ That toddlin' town ♪

♪ Chicago, Chicago ♪

♪ I'll show you around ♪

♪ I love it ♪

♪ Bet your bottom dollar ♪

♪ You'll lose the
blues In Chicago ♪

♪ Chicago ♪

♪ The folks who visit ♪

♪ All want to settle down ♪

♪ On State Street ♪

♪ That great street ♪

♪ I just want to stay ♪

♪ They do things ♪

♪ They don't do on Broadway ♪

♪ You'll have the time ♪

♪ The time of your life ♪

♪ Bring all your friends
Your kids and your wife ♪

♪ To Chicago ♪

♪ Chicago My hometown ♪


♪ You'll have the time ♪

♪ The time of your life ♪

♪ Bring all your friends
Your kids and your wife ♪

♪ To Chicago ♪

♪ Chicago My hometown ♪



Yes. Everything is in order.

They put the lady on the train.

All my people are in place.

You'll hear from me as
soon as we've killed her.

I've checked the passenger list.

The only last-minute travelers
are the Jonathan Harts.

The industrialist.


I'm sure they're on the
train because of the air strike.

I can't imagine a
tired businessman

and his wife posing any threat.

If they do, what's two
more dead bodies?

Uh-huh. Until California.




You know something?

I'm awfully glad the
air traffic controllers

decided to cancel
our flight home.

Know something? What?

Me too. You sure?

You know it's gonna be
two days, not two hours.

Ah. But what a two days, huh?


Guess you'll be glad to get
back to sunny California, sir.

Actually, I'll miss Chicago.

I like 70-mile-an-hour winds.

[CHUCKLES] You been here long?

A week. My boss had to be here

for his stockholders' meeting.

And that was just a draft.

Oh, this is gonna
be terrific. [SIGHS]

All alone in a
comfy compartment.

Soft music, good wine, racing
through the night... [LAUGHS]

the wheels going clickity-clack,

clickity-clack. MAN [ON
PA]: Pacific Coast Limited

is leaving in five minutes...
Did you see a hat fly by?

MAN: All aboard, please.



My hat.

Here you go.

Thank you.

You'd better watch
your chapeau, madam.

That's what hatpins are for.

Very pretty.

You don't have a spare, do you?

[ON PA]: All aboard.

All aboard for the
Pacific Coast Limited

to Los Angeles and
intermediate stops.

JONATHAN: Here we are, darling.


Oh, look.

The railroad sent us
flowers and champagne.

Aren't they thoughtful?

Yes, I am.


You old romantic.

And I thought
romance was ageless.



This is gonna be
a terrific two days.


Just the two of us all alone.

Peace and quiet.

No phone calls. Uh-uh.

No interruptions. Mm-mm.

MAN: We can just freshen
up, and then go down...

Down to the diner.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Uh... Miss Drake, I
believe that we are

in the wrong compartment.

Is this Compartment F?

Oh, no, no, no. This is E.

You must be next door.

Oh. Yes. E for error.



Something wrong?

That nurse. She
looked so familiar.

Have you ever seen her before?

Well, I don't think so.

I swear I've seen her
face somewhere before.

Maybe with Trapper John.

[♪♪] Oh.

Where were we?




Anything else you need, Mrs. H?

No thanks, Max. We
can handle it from here.

What do you think?

No offense, Max, but, uh...

Mrs. H and I have
other games in mind

besides pinochle and poker.

You misunderstand, Mr. H.

I've worked myself
into a little hand

of five-card stud back
in the crew's quarters.

JONATHAN: Oh? How little?

Plenty. See you
when we pull in to L.A.

Uh, wait a second, Max.

You wouldn't like a partner?

Mr. H, you know me.
You know the way I play.

With me it ain't a
gamble, it's an investment.

I'd love to have
you as a partner.


I will return this manyfold.

Good luck.



Not even Max can
disturb us. Uh-huh.

All we're left to is
our own devices.


Leave your devices out of this.




[SIGHS] I'm torn

between the lamb and the duck.

Uh, this is your trip,
Mother. Take your time.


Maybe the veal.

Mother knows best. Make it two.

Thank you, sir.

Uh. Hm.

WOMAN: It... It
seems to be full up.

You're welcome to join us.

Oh, well, that's
very kind of you.

Thank you.

My name is Jennifer Hart.

I'm Violet Cuthbert.
Oh. How do you do?

Jonathan Hart. Vernon Cuthbert.


WAITER: What can I get you?

Is the trout fresh?

WAITER: Yes, ma'am.

We're having the
veal. JENNIFER: Oh.

JONATHAN: We'll have
the trout. Thank you, sir.

The food looks excellent.

MAN: You're looking at a
producer with a cast and crew

waiting on a Hollywood set,

and the fastest way
I can get out there

is on this Toonerville Trolley.

How do I call the coast?

Well, you know, you
could hop off the train

and make your
call in Mirage, Iowa,

in about five minutes.

You're gold to me, sweetheart.

You know, I'm trying to
break into the business myself.

I do stand-up comedy.

Not so far.

But give me a call at the studio

when we get to the coast.

Merv Griffin and
I are like this:

We share the same masseuse.

WAITER: Thank you, Mr. Farkiss.

Uh, you'll be hearing from me.

I'm sure you'll
find it quite dry, sir.

Thank you very much.




Oh, forgive me. King
Farkiss, the producer.

I'm Jonathan Hart.
FARKISS: Mr. Hart.

This is my wife,
Jennifer. How do you do?

We're the Cuthberts.

Hi. Mr. Hart, Jennifer simply

makes love to the camera.

When we get to
the coast, please,

let me test her.


[CHUCKLES] Oh-ho-ho.

I don't act.

You don't have
to act. You just be.

Oh, no, no. I couldn't do that.

You're very kind. Thank you
very much, but no thank you.

Hey. If you change
your mind, just page me

around the pool at
the Beverly Hills Hotel.

You live at the
Beverly Hills Hotel?

No, but they'll
know where find me.

Jennifer... mwah, I love you.

Jonathan... I love
you for loving her.



Ten-minute stop in Mirage.

Excuse me. Got
to call the coast.


A toast.

Thank heavens for Mirage.

Thank heavens.





You don't understand.

My Malibu beach house
has a pool, you see.

A pool at the beach.

I got two kinds of water.

Good. Then soak your head twice.

I don't want you
to pay for my drink.

I don't want a screen test.

And I certainly don't
want to read the reviews

of your last picture
in your compartment.

Okay. Then let's just make love.

You think in this day and
age a woman is turned on

by your degrading
male-chauvinistic behavior?

Compartment H, about 9:00?

No way.

Ten o'clock?

Ten-thirty. Car 22,
Compartment G.

I'll show you my chain.


There's two over there.

JONATHAN: Hello again.

Oh, good evening.

Oh. We were just
about to have a cognac.

Won't you join us?

Well, uh... Why don't you?

Will do you good.
Heh. All right.

I'm Jonathan Hart.
How do you do?

This is my wife, Jennifer.

Nice to meet you
both. I'm Jim Casey.

This is Eva Drake.

Ah. Nice to meet you.

Are you from Los Angeles?

No, Chicago. But I'm supposed to

see a specialist in L.A.

Miss Drake is from Canada.

I am her first
case in the States.

Ah. Yes, sir?

Good evening, steward. Could
we have, uh, two cognacs? Um...

Yes, sir.


Three cognacs.

And, uh, just a little
more black coffee, please.

Right away, sir.

Thank you very much.

Would you three please
excuse me for a few minutes?

Miss Drake, why don't
you just sip your drink

and enjoy yourself.

I'll be right back.

Um, what part of Canada
are you from, Miss Drake?

Uh. Uh, Montreal.

Oh. Vous parlez
bien Français, alors?

No, uh... I don't speak French.



[SCOFFS] You, uh...



You're worried
about your patient?

No, no, I'm sure he's all right.

Would you like to have
me go look for him?

Oh, no. I'm sure he's fine.

JENNIFER: I'll look.

I want to go get
my jacket anyway.

I'll keep an eye out for him.




My wife said that she thought
she had seen you before.

Have you ever
been to Los Angeles?

No. I'm sure she's mistaken.


Uh... Uh-uh, will you excuse me?

I have to talk to my
husband about something.


What's wrong?

There's a body in
our compartment.




Excuse me. How long
is the stop in Topeka?

I gotta jump off
and call the coast.

Ten minutes. Thanks.



It's gone.

It's not here.

Well, darling, all
these compartments

are pretty much alike.

Maybe you were in
another compartment.

And I just happened
to find the jacket

to the suit you gave
me for Christmas?

He was here, believe me.

I do believe you,
darling, but...

eh, without a body,

how do you tell a nurse
that her patient is dead?

Well, we could tell
her he's missing.


Yes, sir?

The lady that was here?

She left.

The man in the wheelchair.
Did he come back?

No, ma'am, he didn't.

But I'm glad you did, sir.

There you are. Thanks.

Thank you, sir.


Well, thank you very much.

Sorry to have disturbed

WOMAN: Any time.

Jonathan... wouldn't you really

rather have the
conductor do this?

Yeah, I would. But I
don't think he'd believe

that we found a
body and then lost it.


I just thought of
something awful.


What if we really do find it?



Hello. Anything wrong?

No, no. Just, uh, checking.
Everything all right?

I-I beg your pardon?

VIOLET: What is it, Vernon?

Uh, nothing, Mother.



The steward was kind
enough to make up

a little, uh, care
package for me.


Uh, Mother doesn't drink.

It's just that trains
can be chilly.

Yes. VIOLET: Yes.

Trains can give you
such a chill. Heh-heh.

Thank you. Take it easy.

Good night. Mm-hm. Night.

Darling... has it
ever occurred to you

that whoever might hide
a body wouldn't admit it?

But maybe he'll panic
when we confront him.



What's that doing here?


JONATHAN: Maybe this is
where we should have started.

JENNIFER: I can't see a thing.

This ought to help.

What are we looking for?

Someplace big
enough to hide a... body.


I'm kind of glad
it was only a harp.

Somebody's coming.


Miss Drake. Oh, Mr. Hart.

I guess I went one car too far.

You wouldn't, by any chance,

be looking for Mr. Casey?

Oh, yes. As a
matter of fact, I was.

I know where I've
seen you before.

Well, in the bar car.

We just had a few drinks.

No, no, no. I've
seen your picture.

In the newspaper.

You're not a nurse, are you?


Now, why would I lie?

JONATHAN: Miss Drake,

my wife... has seen
your patient recently.



In our compartment... dead.


They killed him.

JONATHAN: "They" killed him?

Who are "they"?

It was in the
newspaper, wasn't it?

Uh, I-I don't want
to involve you.

You're that government witness,

Ann, u-uh... Ann Marie
Fabro. That's right.

And you're going to testify.

If they let me live
long enough to testify.

And If you want to live too,

I suggest that you
just stay clear of me.

It's a little late
to stay clear.

Who was Casey?

Mr. Casey was a policeman.

He was my protection
to Los Angeles

for the trial.

And now they've got
a... clear shot at me.

They've got to find you first.

You'll spend the night
in our compartment.

We'll find a way to get
you off this train tomorrow.

No. I can't let you do that.

These people will
stop at nothing.


Mr. Hart, you, uh...

You say a man was killed,

but you don't have a body.

Oh, no, we have a body...

And, uh, that nurse, Miss Drake,

is not a nurse.

She's a government witness

at the, uh, organized
crime hearings?

It was in the newspaper.

Her boyfriend is
an undercover cop.

They killed him.


Just supposing that
what you say is the truth...

what do you want me to do?

Call ahead to the next stop,

and have the police meet us.

The next stop is
Elbo, New Mexico.

Population 480.

The police department
consists of Orrin Paige.

Now, when we stop,
you're welcome to get off

and ask old Orrin if
he'll surround the train.

I see.

Where is this elusive
government witness?

We don't know.


You expect me to help you

get some woman off this train...

and you don't know where she is?

No. No.

Well... you folks just, uh...

enjoy the scenery.

Look there.

Buzzards are circling.

Probably just
longhorn carcasses.

Things out here in the desert

can get eaten
up... without a trace.


Be seeing you.



Why didn't you tell
him about Ann Marie?

A nurse isn't a nurse.

A patient is a cop.

What makes you think
that a conductor works

for the railroad?

Well, who does he work for then?

I don't know.

But whoever wants Ann Marie...

has enough money
to buy this railroad.

Come on.

Let's get back to her.

it? JONATHAN: It's us.

Ann Marie, here's the situation.

We don't know who they are.

We can't get to the police.

Not yet anyway.

So we'll just do as we planned.

You'll stay here with us.

All the way to the coast.

Uh, no.

Uh, no, that won't work.

They've seen us together.

I means nothing for them

to kill the both of
you just to get to me.

That's a very good point.

We didn't really
fool the conductor.

If he is one of them,

he's gotta suspect
we're hiding her.

Then we won't hide her here.

All the other
compartments are full.

There might be a place in
the... In the crew's quarters.

You trust the crew?


Wait a minute. [♪♪]

I've got it.



Sorry. The club car
was all out of pâté.

Will this do? Oh, yeah.

We'll get you out of
here as soon as we can.



JONATHAN: Get back in there.


He's got us pinned down.

Stay here and keep low.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna try to drop in on him.





Are you all right in there?

So far.

JONATHAN: Action, King.




Who hired you? [GRUNTING]

Who hired you?!




Our link to the mob's chain
of command just snapped.




Now, let's see.

What's the, uh...
name of the man

you say you just killed?

He called himself Farkiss.

It was self-defense.

His body must be
10 miles back by now.


Well, we're gonna make

a quick stop in
about 15 minutes.

I'll, um, be sure and
call the local police.

You wouldn't mind if I got
off with you, would you?

Just to make sure
you call the police.

You don't trust me?

It's just that that, uh,
self-styled producer

who tried to kill me,

he used to get off the
train all the time too

to make phone calls.

Only he wasn't
calling the studio.

I would just like to hear once,

someone on the other
end of the phone say,

"Hello, police." Mr. Hart.

I mean, you're the one
who's found a dead body,

a government witness in hiding.

Now... I've been
through every car...

and I found nothing.

Do you think this bump
on his head is imaginary?

Well... perhaps train travel

just doesn't agree with you.

Why don't you
check the bullet holes

in the baggage car?


You'll report the incident?

Oh, yes, Mr. Hart.


In triplicate.



How you doing? Fine.

The dining car
waiter keeps asking

if we're storing
up for the winter.


We told him we had a dog.

Yes. Except dogs
don't exactly eat,

um, ham and cheese?

Freeway does.

Only if he can't get a BLT.

Hey, I... I can't thank
the both of you...

Look, who is ever after you,

we're gonna make sure
that they're apprehended.

Yeah. And then what?

A trial and hopefully
a long jail sentence.

Jennifer, you have
got to be kidding.

With a little plea-bargaining

and time off for good behavior,

he will be out in the
street in a few short years,

ready to stalk me again.

Your testimony will
put him away for life.

Life? Those people
don't deserve to live.

Maybe I should get to them

before they get to me.

Ann Marie, you can't take
the law in your own hands.

The idea is for us to
protect you from them,

not them from you.

You, uh, better get back in
there now, Ann Marie, okay?




Ready, darling?

JENNIFER: In a minute.

What's that?


Either more than one killer

boarded this train in Chicago.

Or when King Farkiss
didn't keep calling in,

they decided to put
another assassin on

at one of the stops.


I don't think I'm
hungry anymore.

Neither am I.

But I think we ought to
check out the dining car

and see if there's
any new passengers.

One thing's for sure.

Our killer hasn't
lost his appetite.

WAITER: So this
drunk puts a dime

in a parking meter, see,

and he stand back and
says, "Gee. I weigh an hour."


I got a lot of 'em
just that good.

Will you level with me?


You're not a waiter.

You're right.

Then what are you
doing on this train?

The truth?

It would be
refreshing on this trip.

Well, this waiter business

gets me a free ride to L.A.

I'm breaking into
the comedy field.


Oh, yeah. When
I get to the coast,

I'm gonna knock
'em dead. Kill 'em.

I'll murder the people.

I got an arsenal that'll
lame 'em out cold.

May I have the check?


Check... mate.



Is this a... A pleasure
trip for both of you?

Uh, very much so.

My big brother's
getting married in L.A.

My Timmy. Although I guess

I can't call him that anymore.

I keep telling her,

no one 6'6" can be called Timmy.


You're a pretty
good size yourself.

Oh, my Vernon likes to eat.


Listen, don't be
shy. Ah... Ah...

I don't want it anyway.

Thank you.

Just a growing boy.




Darling. Shall we?

Oh. Do you two
really have to leave?

Oh, well, perhaps
we'll catch up with you

in the observation car.

Why, that would be
very nice, Mrs. Hart.

Bye-bye. Uh, Mr. Hart.

May I tell you something?

Your wife is a knockout.

So is your mother.

Well. I'll really look forward

to seeing them again, dear.

Oh, me too, Mother.
Me too. [CHUCKLES]




What's all the hush-hush?

I'll tell you what all
the hush-hush is.

For the last couple of days,
while you've been gambling,

a dead man in a
wheelchair turned out to be

protecting a government
witness from a hired killer

who tried to kill me.

And just as Jonathan
was about to find out

who the accomplices
were, he fell off the train.

JONATHAN: We've got the
witness hidden in a harp case.

A wheelchair,
government witness,

harp case... Ah.

Have you guys ever thought
of becoming mystery writers?

Ooh, you have been reading.

Agatha Christie.
Well, that explains it.

That's where you get
all your fictional ideas.

This is fact, not fiction.

Let me tell you something, Max.

We're due in L.A. tomorrow.

Now, if anything's gonna happen,

it's gonna happen soon.

So you be careful.



Ann Marie. We've got
some more food for you.

I guess we finally
found Mr. Casey.

But they finally
found Ann Marie.




Now do you believe
that Mr. Casey is dead?

You don't seem to
care much about that.

Look, 10 years ago,

nobody could have
taken old Casey.

Not with a gun or bare hands.



My name's Slattery. I'm FBI.

How do we know
you're Slattery, FBI?

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Uh... I guess you wanna know

what he was doing
in your compartment.

I can figure that out. We
were last-minute passengers.

He probably thought we
were two syndicate killers.

I think so.

I think a man by the
name of Farkiss killed him.

It's not possible. I
was watching Farkiss.

I made Farkiss when we boarded.

We've had a file
on him for years.

His target was the girl.

Then there's someone else.

JENNIFER: Why would that someone
put the body in our compartment?

I don't think he planned to.

I think he probably
heard you coming,

stayed in the
compartment with the body,

and then, uh, removed
it when you left.

I was in there with the killer?

Where is Ann Marie Fabro?

She was in the harp
case, safe and sound.

Honestly, we don't know.

I tell you, whoever killed Casey

is after Ann Marie.




All right. Look careful.
Look everywhere.

If you run into anything,

do not take action,
come and get me.

Now go.


You've spent the best
part of two days with her.

If she's still alive...

why would she take off?

We've been wondering
that ourselves.


She's gonna have that

when she testifies against
the people who killed her man.

Yes, but she may
not be satisfied

with the jail
sentences they'll get.

She may have become
as ruthless as they.

She's knows there's
another killer on the train...

and she wants him dead.

That's why she
left the harp case.


All right, look. I know
that you've been trying

to protect Ann Marie.

And they may also know, and
try to get to her through you.

You know how to handle
weapons, Mr. Hart?

Yes, I do.


Now, stay in your compartment.

This train is only about
two hours outside of L.A.

If the killer hasn't already
gotten to Ann Marie,

he hasn't got much time left.




L.A.P.D. Unit C, 5-Queen-1.

Please join FBI
command at rotunda area

at Union Station.

Report to Special Agent Raft.

This is Raft.

I want all coach exits
covered, both sides.

Four men on the roof
soon as the train stops.


I still think we ought to
be out there looking for her.

But, darling, we've
looked everywhere.

It's almost as if she
completely vanished.

We still don't even
know who the killer is.

I know who it is. You know?


It's that funny steward
in the dining car.

Funny? Come on, Max.

MAX: I'm telling you,
boss. I checked him out.

He signed on in Chicago,
never made the run before,

and didn't get into
the poker game.

So maybe he doesn't
like to play cards.

People who work on
trains gotta play cards.

It goes with the job.

They're excellent poker players.

I know what I'm
talking about, boss.

They cleaned me out.

Cleaned us out.

know, he may be right.

He certainly isn't a comedian.

You got a point there.

JENNIFER: I always
thought it was Vernon.


Vernon is with his mother.

I know it sounds
silly, but, you know...

his eyes were never puffy.

What do you mean, he
never had puffy eyes?

When he took his glasses off...

his eyes were never puffy.

Normally, when
someone wears glasses,

and they take their glasses off,

the eyes stay a little... [♪♪]

Max... get Slattery.

Have him meet me at
Cuthbert's compartment.

And, uh, tell him
to go easy, huh?

We're only guessing.

But, boss, that sweet
lady? That nice kid?

That nice kid. When
he shook hands with me,

he nearly broke my fingers.

Come on, let's go.


What are we gonna do?

We've got only 20
minutes to make the hit.

I don't have to tell you
what happens if we miss her.

You just found her.

So just stay still. [GASPS]

Ma'am, you're making
some kind of mistake, honest.

Oh, my God.

Please, put that thing away.

You gonna cry?

I'd like to see you cry.



I love it when you
do that, Vernon.

Mr. Hart, you should
have heeded my note.

Now look at the fix you're in.

Vernon... [GROANS]

you really know
how to hurt a guy.

[LAUGHS] That's a good one.

I like you, Mr. Hart.


Oh. Mother's right.

I can't let my personal likes

get in the way of business.

Very serious business.


All units in position.
She's coming in.

Mother, we'll be leaving
before the train stops.

Be a dear and check the aisle.







That's one way to hit the coast.



Morning, darling.

Good morning, darling.

You know what it
says here in the paper?


Ann Marie's testimony

is going to put an entire
syndicate out of business.

Great. Mm.

[YAWNS] She's a very brave girl.

She sure is. [SIGHS]

Darling... where are we headed?

I promised you a
nice, quiet train trip.

You're getting it. Oh, yeah?

Mm. Whether I want it or not.

Nothing but peace and quiet. Oh.

[♪♪] Quiet.

It's a little too quiet.

Well, the train has probably

stopped to take
on water. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Or to take
on some gangsters

who are gonna
shoot up the bar car.

How can you think of booze
at this time of the morning?

There's probably some
people in the next compartment

who are smuggling
diamonds out of the country.

There's nobody in
the next compartment.

Why don't you believe me?

Hm. And the porter's
on the lam from the CIA.

There is no porter.
I made sure of that.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hm.

I don't believe you.

You make it sound as if

this is some private car

that's been left on
a deserted siding.

Now you sound like
you're off your track.

I do? Uh-huh.