Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 2, Episode 9 - Murder Is a Drag - full transcript

Scalped stolen opera tickets land Jonathan in the middle of a plot to assassinate the DA who is fighting organized crime.


NARRATOR: This is my boss,
Jonathan Hart, a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,

'cause when they
met, it was murder.




JENNIFER: Jonathan.



Well, you're not dressed.
We'll be late for the opera.

It takes me five
minutes to get ready.

That's what you
said an hour ago.

Why is it that whenever
we go to the Dodger game,

we're there for
batting practice,

but to take me to the opera...

Believe me, you
won't miss a note.


Oh, you're so beautiful.

Now, don't you start.

What opera are we going to?

Well, they're doing the
entire Ring of the Nibelungen,

and tonight it's

In German?


How many hours?


Five hours of opera in German?


And you wanna know
why I wanna be late?

Get your trousers on.

That's the trouble. I
can't find my trousers.

Which one?

To the gray suit.

Not the gray pinstripe?

Yeah, I put it out on the bed,

and, uh, it's gone now.

Well, I sent them
to the cleaners.


Well, because it's Tuesday.

The cleaner comes every Tuesday.

Whenever you want
anything cleaned,

you always lay
it out on the bed,

and so I sent it
to the cleaners.

Well, then, um... I just
won't have anything

to wear to the opera.


We'll see.

Ah, this would do nicely.

Oh, not that old thing.

If I miss one note of

I better take this
one along too.

What for?

Well, with five hours of opera,

I'll need a change of clothes.



Something wrong?

I can't find the tickets.


I'm not kidding. I
can't find the tickets.

I put them in the inside pocket.

I'm sure of it.

Well, did you look
in your trousers?

No, I distinctly
remember putting them

on the inside pocket
when I laid out the suit

so I wouldn't forget them.

Oh, Jonathan.

The suit. The gray suit.

You put the tickets to the opera
in the pocket of the gray suit

you sent to the cleaners. Yes.

Curtain in five minutes.

Oh, my favorite opera.

Don't worry, darling. Come on.



Can't you think of something?

Well, we've still
got a few minutes.

Maybe someone has
some extra tickets to sell.

Let's take a look.

Excuse me. I wasn't
watching where I was going.

I'm very sorry. It
was my... That's okay.

I'm a little nervous
tonight. It's all right.

No harm done.

You okay? No harm
done! Thank you.

Light me a cigarette,
will you, honey?


Curtain in two minutes.

I'll make this up
to you, darling.

Oh, you gonna buy me the album?

Hey, look, look, look.

There's a man standing
there with two tickets.

Let's see if they're for sale.

Uh, excuse me.

Those tickets wouldn't by any
chance be for sale, would they?

Well, I don't know.

You know, my wife
had to stand in the rain

to get these tickets,

and she caught herself
a terrible cold doing that.

And then we had to, uh...

We had to cancel
the baby-sitter,

but we had to pay
the baby-sitter anyway.

They get a small
fortune these days.

That, uh, sounds reasonable.

Everything is going up.

What do you say... $50 a ticket?

Fifty dollars a ticket?

You paid $100 apiece

for the Muhammad Ali fight.

He fights in English.

This guy's trying to scalp me.

If he doesn't, I will.

Okay, $50 a ticket.
Here's... a hundred.

One hundred.

Thanks very much. Thank you.

Oh, I hope your
wife feels better.

Well, I am sure she will
sneeze all the way to the bank.

Curtain is now going up.

Please take your
seats immediately.

I know I had that wallet
when I paid the taxi.

We have got to
be in those seats.

There's a man over there.
Maybe he's the manager.

Marion, wait a minute.

We can't call
attention to ourselves.

You're right.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

That pip-squeak
that bumped into me,

he picked my pocket.

If I find him, I'll...

What is gonna happen if
we are not in those seats?

I don't know, but we're not
gonna wait around to find out.

Come on.



What act is it?

[WHISPERS] The third.


Do they serve a
complimentary breakfast?


I'm giving you the
first 100,000 now.

You get the second
hundred after the hit.

It's hard to believe this
turkey ever was a hit.


The hit.

The one you're supposed to make.


The rest of the instructions

are in the envelope
with the money.

What money? What
are you talking about?

Where'd you get
this? Who are you?

Just... Just follow
the orders, okay?

Why don't you follow
me out to the lobby,

and we can talk
about it out there.


You're not quitting.

The best part's coming up.

I'm not quitting,
I'm getting paid off.

There's more c-notes
in here than Wagner.




Officer, do I look like
a murderer to you?

I don't know. What's a
murderer supposed to look like?

I've told you over
and over again.

I'm Jonathan Hart.

Uh, do you read
the financial page?



Auto loans are up to
17 percent right now.

MAN: Jonathan.

Oh, Andy. Thank goodness.

They allowed me
one phone call, Andy.

Hm. Lieutenant
Kirkson, Homicide.

Well, it's always nice
to hear from you two.

How's Max and Freeway?

Everybody's fine but me.

They've accused him of murder.

So who'd you kill, Jonathan?


Sergeant, you can release
Mr. Hart in my personal custody.

I'll call your captain.

Yes, sir.

Uh, the keys?


What do you think, Jennifer?

Why not?

Otherwise, he won't be any
help whatsoever with the dishes.

So, what happened?

Well, we were just
sitting... I was sitting over...

Wait a minute, Jonathan,
you're the prime suspect.

You tell me.

I was sitting over there,

watching my favorite opera...

Your favorite opera?

It's my favorite opera.

You were sitting
over there, half asleep,

when the man next to
him gave him $100,000

and told him he'd give him
another $100,000 after the hit.


Go on.

Well, then I...

Well, then just as he was
about to go out to the lobby,

the man next to him
slumped over the chair

with a knife in his back,

leaving Jonathan with the
cash and the instructions.

That's all we know.

know a little bit more.

We got a tip that a
hit was being planned

on a very prominent figure.

Who's the target?

We don't know. It
could be political,

a celebrity, criminal,

The field's wide open.

Who tipped you off?

Somebody directly
connected with the scheme.

Well, then why don't you
ask him who the target is.



He's the guy with
a knife in his back.


KIRKSON: That's Harry Carney.

A very clever fellow.

What do you mean?

Well, they...

They must have found
out he was talking to us,

'cause they let him deliver
the money and the instructions,

and then they killed him.

And they gave me the envelope.

It doesn't look like
you need the money.

This whole evening
has been a disaster.

First, I sent the wrong
suit out to the cleaners,

with our opera tickets in
it, and they are sold-out.

So, what do I do?

I buy two more
tickets from a scalper,

and guess where I sit?

I sit in the hit man's seat.

Now, the murderer must
have seen the payoff,

and he thinks that
I'm the hired gun.

Well, you... You took
their hundred grand.

Jonathan, what probably
happened is they imported a top gun,

some guy you
wouldn't know on sight.

These guys keep their
identity under wraps pretty well.

This says that I'm supposed
to call this number on Friday

to get further instructions.

Why wait till Friday?

OPERATOR: I'm sorry.

The number you have reached
is not in service at this time.


That's great.

Look, Jonathan, I'm
sorry you got yourself

in the middle of this thing.

We have, uh, an
informant who's dead,

and we don't have one
solid lead to stand on.

Oh, yes, you do.

What do you mean?

They saw me make
the first contact.

They believe that I'm their man.


I am a hit man.


Mr. Six. You'll be
happy to know...

Hey, hey, hey.

Now, where the heck's
the 10 of diamonds, huh?


You'll be happy
to know, Mr. Six,

that the opera was a
great success last night.

How nice.

Our friend from out of
town got his down payment.

He'll, uh, call us on Friday.

That's nice.

By Saturday night,

our courageous district
attorney will be dead.

Without him, his
case against you

goes right down the drain.

No more subpoenas,
no more harassment.

You'll be moving narcotics
in and out of this town

just like before.

How's that sound, Mr. Six?

Sounds nice.




Oh, McGarity.

He's here?

I thought McGarity was
gonna call me on Friday.

What's he doing here now?

Beats me.

And how'd he locate me?

Nobody knows I'm behind this.

There's, uh, one
way to find out.

Yeah. Send him in.

Mr. Six?

Mr. Six, it's always
a pleasure to, uh...

meet the man who's paying me.

I'm McGarity. Just
got in from Chicago.

I never cared for the wind.

Took a few phone calls
back home to locate you.

I'm unlisted.

So I noticed.

You know, you have quite
an undesirable element

in this town.

Last night, my
wallet was lifted.

I didn't make it to the opera.


the opera was a big
success last night, eh, Benny?

The guy in the seat took the...

The payment just like clockwork.

What guy?


Who was in that seat, Benny?

A cop? I don't know.

Somebody trying
to double-cross me?

Nobody makes a fool outta me.

Nobody's going to.

I'm here to earn my
money, as agreed.

I paid a hundred
grand... already.

Not to me.

I've had less
trouble with the IRS.


You've come this
far, Mr. McGarity.

We have a deal, as agreed.


Your reputation
is well-deserved.

I also have a
reputation to uphold.

I'll tell you what.

For the same money,
I'll make the hit,

and I'll find out who took
my place at the opera.

I'll take care of him too.


I was supposed to
phone in on Friday.

I assume this phony
had the same instructions.

That's right. He's to
call Friday at noon.

Well, I'll be here
to take the call.

You know, a man in your line
shouldn't fail a second time.

That's not nice.


Alvin, that sounds

just about perfect.

Hold on one second.

Yes, Deanne.

Send him in.



JONATHAN: All right, Alvin. If
you'll go ahead and draw those up.

That'll be fine. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good afternoon, Jonathan.

That was quite a
merger you just pulled off.

How did you know?

Well, between the phone
company and the police department,

your line is pretty
well tapped into.

You're a very busy boy.

Mm-hm. Now it's your turn.

Here's the number.

We're all hooked
up to run a trace.

Look, Jonathan, I know
they're gonna wanna

keep your call real short.

So just keep 'em talking
as long as you possibly can.

Maybe I should make that call.

Jonathan always says I can
keep people on the phone for hours.

All we need is two minutes.



Welcome to Los Angeles.

Thank you very much.

Now, be available
for tomorrow night.

You've been invited
to a costume party,

and you've already accepted.

You'll be on the guest list.

It's 230 Morton Road.

Uh, let me get a piece
of paper and a pencil.

I'm not too familiar
with this area.

Just a second.


That's 230 Morton Road?

That's right.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot,
uh, you're from out of town.

Well, I'll give you directions.

That's right. Just
keep him talking.

It's in the Hancock
Park section.

An old mansion on the corner
of Morton and Ferdinand.

Be there at 9.

Morton and Ferdinand at 9:00.

You'll be contacted at the party

as to who the target is.

You'll be given a gun
that can't be traced.

How will I know my contact?

Well, we opera lovers
can always spot each other.

Isn't that right?



It's great. We'll have a
trace on him in a minute.

Did you get it?


The call came from 555-6903.

It came from a place
called Hart Industries.

Sounds like a big organization.

It could have come from any
one of the thousand extensions.

No, according to these
phone company records,

555-6903 is the number assigned

to a Mr. Jonathan Hart himself.

This Jonathan Hart is
a corporation president?

Hey, he's probably got a
lot of heavy connections.

I don't get it.
What's his angle?

We'll know tomorrow.

And our location is secure?

Of course.

With this phone equipment,
I can work wonders

Alexander Graham
Bell never dreamed of.


KIRKSON: It doesn't
make any sense.

You didn't use an area code,

and the phone company swears

that you were talking
to a nursery school

in Winnetka, Illinois.

Where'd you leave
the car, darling?

Oh, I parked on the street.
Someone was in your spot.

KIRKSON: It was me.

I'm sorry. I was in a hurry.

Let me drive you to your car.

Um, Andy, look.

You've been
chaperoning us all week.

We'll be fine.

No one could possibly
know who we are.

All right, let me
drive you to your car.



Goodbye, Mr. Hart.

Oh, my God!

Jonathan, be careful!

Oh, my God!


Jonathan, watch out!


Now they know who we are.

Yeah, but who are they?

BENNY: Hey, we
didn't expect to see you

until the farewell
party tonight, McGarity.

Had a little problem.

I wired what I
thought was Hart's car,

but a cop got in instead.

Killing a cop is a
little problem to you?

What was World War
II, a misunderstanding?


What about the Harts?

They got away.



I see this Mr. Hart
doesn't give up easily.

Okay, McGarity. I'm
running the show now.

Since this Hart is so
anxious to kill our DA,

why don't we just let him?

Let Hart kill the DA?

How you gonna do that?

The way I figure it,

Mr. Hart will kill the DA

just like I paid him to do it.

Picture this, McGarity:

There's the DA, lying dead,

surrounded by his
family and friends.

Then one angry
and indignant citizen

seizes the moment,

takes a stand for law and order,

and gets his revenge
by shooting the assassin,

Mr. Jonathan Hart.

And I'm that indignant citizen.




Max, how do you scramble
the eggs perfect every time?

My Aunt Sadie taught me.

She was a cook in
a woman's prison.

What's her recipe?

First, you steal
two eggs, then...

Thanks, Max.

You know, it says here
in Trading Commodities

that soybeans have
gone down 60 cents,

corn has gone down 20 cents,

and look at this:

pork bellies.

Darling, not while we're eating.

Oh, look, on the society page,

all about the party
we're attending tonight.

"A virtual who's
who of the business,

"sports, political and
entertainment worlds

"is expected to turn out tonight
for the gala costume bash

"being thrown by
Miss Claude Hopkins,

in honor of District
Attorney Burlington."

Wow, sounds like everyone
who is anyone will be there.

Yeah, and somebody who is
somebody is gonna be the target.

Do you know who
this Miss Hopkins is?

No, but I sure would like to.

And I'd like to get a
look at the guest list.

Maybe we should check
out the scene of the crime...

before it's committed.

Are you, uh, finished?




Mr. Hart, we need to
have a word with you.

Jonathan, they're
drawing their...

Sergeant Ewell.

Sergeant Tate. We're L.A.P.D.


We're a little edgy.

We understand. We
worked with your friend

Lieutenant Kirkson on this case.

Well, we came early

to take a look
around before tonight.

Where you go, we go.

Andy Kirkson's orders.

Well, in that
case, uh, shall we?

Here you are, Mr. Hart.

The guest list.

Oh, thank you very much.

Ah, 500 of the
district attorney's

most intimate friends.

No, I think he knows perhaps
a hundred of those people.

Some of them are my friends.

You know, the DA was
just named Man of the Year.

Some of my friends
and I are thinking of...

Of backing him for
a run at the Senate.


And the other guests?

Oh, well, I hired a
public relations firm

for the entire party.

Oh, say no more. I
can see that there's

baseball players on here,
movie stars, columnists.

Uh, Mrs. Hopkins...
Miss. Miss Hopkins.

Do you know of
anybody on this list

who's being threatened?


You know, anyone who
might have any enemies.

Enemies that might
want to kill them.

Oh, I see. Um...
Uh, like that man?

Oh, yes, yes. Edmund Hall.

He just pulled off quite
a stock market deal.

He managed to wipe
out his lifelong partner.




Anybody else? Oh.


Uh... Helen Ward.

Helen Ward.

Oh, isn't she the
one who just won

that... record-breaking
divorce settlement?

That's right, Mrs. Hart.

Her ex-husband would like
nothing better than to see her

buried six feet under. He
makes no bones about it.

Could you have your
secretary make up a list

of telephone numbers of the
people you think are in danger,

so we could alert them?

Yes, I'll do that, Mr. Hart.

EWELL: Oh, and
we'll be here tonight,

armed and undercover.

Thank you, Officers,
uh, Ewell and Tate.

We once entertained
at a policemen's ball

as Laurel and Hardy.


And our wives
saved the costumes.

[LAUGHING] I'll see your
names are left at the door.

Bye-bye. Thank you.


Miss Hopkins, would you
sign for the catering please?

Oh, certainly.

Thank you.

Quite all right.

Everything set up okay?

Oh, yes.


This set-up is as
nice as nice can be.


Mr. H, Mrs. H,
you're supposed to be

at that costume
party in a half-hour.

Well, shut my mouth.

me tell you somethin', shorty.

These are four-inch Justins.

They'll put a pretty big dent
in that little body of yours.

Now, where's that
sweetheart of mine?



Now, that's my girl.

Why, fiddle-de-dee,

I'd rather go to war
than be your girl.

Let me tell you
somethin', honey.

You're gonna be my girl,

if I have to lick
you to prove it.

[CHUCKLES] Wow, Mrs. H.

You did wonders with
those old kitchen curtains.

Why, thank you, Max.

Max, uh, will you please
bring the car around for us?

Mr. H, uh, let me get a
costume and go with ya.

No, that's out, Max.

Just, uh, get the car.

But it can be dangerous.

Max, the police will be there.

Besides, we've
already lost one friend,

we have no intention
of losing another.

I can grab a bedsheet
and go as Julius Caesar.

You know what happened to him?

I'll get the car.

Sweetheart, I love you.

I really do. You're
absolutely scrumptious.


O'HARA] Cap'n Butler.

Everything above
the wrist is à la carte.

Come on, will ya.

Don't move.

Back up.

Back up.

I'll, uh, take that, Mr. Hart.

Now, what with the gas crunch,

we'll, uh, carpool it.

You'll ride with me.

Or shall I say,

Mr. Hart will ride in one car,
and Mrs. Hart will ride with me.

And, uh, don't try
anything, Mr. Hart.

Remember, you got a
little job to do for us tonight.

And you'll see Mrs.
Hart, safe and sound,

after you've made the hit.

Otherwise... Well, uh,

Mrs. Hart might
have a little accident.

You get the picture?

The back door will do nicely.

Move it.


Where is everybody?

Hey, boss.

Anybody there?


What's up, Freeway?


What are you trying to tell me?


Something ain't right.

I don't care.

Costume or no costume,
I'm going to that party.



Get in.

Wha...? In there?

In there!


Well, I suppose this means

that I don't get
to go to the party.

I'm sorry to spoil
your fun, Mrs. Hart.

Especially since you've
gone to all this trouble

with your costume and all.

Might I add,

that you look extremely
attractive tonight.

I don't mean to be ungracious,

but you can keep
your compliments,

and your distance.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to get close enough

to tie you up.

And after you tie
me up, what then?

Oh, I'm gonna leave you alone...

for the moment.

'Course, once you're a widow,

anything's possible.

You're gonna kill Jonathan

regardless of what
happens, aren't you?

Just as soon as
he makes the hit,

he's a dead man.


Oh, thanks, honey.

I got the list of everybody
who's supposed to be here,

but with these costumes
on, I can't tell who's who.

Yeah. That's who's here,
all right, the who's who.

Your name?

I'm not on the guest list.

Oh, I can tell. This
is a costume party.

But it's my boss, Jonathan Hart,

he's disappeared.



Checked his name off myself.

Can't I go in,
just for a minute?

No, no, no.


Is somebody there?



Help me!

JENNIFER: Somebody there?



I'm afraid this is gonna be
uncomfortable, Mrs. Hart,

but, really... you
give me no choice.


Get me a bed sheet,

and I'll sneak in
as Julius Caesar.

WOMAN [LAUGHING]: Are you crazy?

MAN: Your husband
will never find us in here.


Come on.

Oh, your mask is scratching me.



Take off your cape.

Oh, if my husband
finds out about this,

he's gonna kill me.

MAN: Divorce him.

WOMAN: Yes, but how do I
know you can get a divorce?

MAN: Robin and I are separated.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah.

Sounds like an
afternoon soap opera.

Shrimp, sir?

No, thanks.

Not hungry tonight?

We'll have two ginger ales.


Here you are, sir.



Where'd you come from?

I came out of the closet.



There's no need
to be a wallflower.

Would you care to dance?

No, thanks, little lady.

You see, when it comes
to dancing, I'm all thumbs.


This ring tells me
that you're married,

but I won't tell your
wife... if you won't.

No, thanks, honey.


I'm sure that she wouldn't mind.

As a matter of fact,

I'm sure that Mrs. Hart
would encourage it,

Mr. Hart.

Mr. Hart, will you take
a peek into my basket.

Why, Red, what big
surprises you have.

At exactly 10:00,

Miss Hopkins is
gonna present a plaque

to the district attorney,

proclaiming him Man of the Year.

And when the DA
rises to accept it,

you're to shoot him.

The district attorney?

He's over there,
dressed as Superman.

And these bullets

will penetrate the Man of Steel.

I have two policemen
watching us.

One sign from me
and they'll pick you up

as an accessory to
an attempted murder.

I will give you your
freedom for my wife's.

Now... where is Jennifer?

Are you referring to those
two policemen over there?

Ten o'clock, Mr. Hart.

In exactly 15 minutes.

And one word to the
DA or to anyone else...

and you will never
see Mrs. Hart again.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go visit Grandmama.




Pardon me, madam.

Sorry, sir.


Please. Maxine.

What are you doing?

I got worried when you
and Mrs. H disappeared.

Well, I didn't disappear,
but Mrs. H has.

They've got her, Max.

No kidding.


I don't know.

Once I kill the DA,

maybe they'll lead us to her.

You're gonna kill the DA?

Max, we're being watched. Um...

just act natural.

I do this every night.

You lead.

In about five minutes,

there's gonna be a
little bit of an explosion,

so why don't you take off, huh?




May I have this dance?


Dance with me,

and all of Mexico
will be at your feet.

I don't want all of
Mexico at my feet,

or any other part of me. Please.

Name your price, huh?

I will give you one
of my tin mines.

I am known as Juan

the tinfoil king.

I will be never known
as the tin foil queen.

I find it repulsive. Please.

Oh, please, signorina.

I love it when they
play rough. Maxine.

Maxine, get going.

I'm trying to.
Heaven knows I am.

Señorita. Please.
Please. Por favor.

She's not all she seems to be.

What woman is?

But when I see them,
wedding bells chime.

Mwah. I love you.


Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies... Your attention,
please? Thank you.

At this time,

it is a great privilege
for me to present

the distinguished
Man of the Year,

our courageous
district attorney,

Mr. Randolph Burlington.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much.





Get down!


Okay, Mr. District Attorney,

you can get up now.


I'm sorry about
the cocktail sauce,

but I wanted to
make it look real.

That's all right, Max.

Look at this hole in the wall.

That bullet was real.

It came closer to
me than it did to you.

Don't worry.

Mr. H can miss better than
anybody when he wants to.


MR. SIX: You get up front with
Benny, I'll get in the back with her.

BENNY: Come on.

Both of you, get out. Come on.

BENNY: Okay, okay.

Come on, get out.



All right, Red, where's my wife?

In the truck.

Don't let Red
Riding Hood fool you.

The wolf could take
lessons from her. Pick him up.

Hey, it's me, Rhett.

Oh... Oh, darling.

Mrs. H.


Don't ask.

Am I glad to see you.

There you are, my
hot-blooded vixen.

JUAN: Mm. The next
dance is ours, huh?

If I give you one dance,
will you let me go?


As you wish, señorita.

Once I get them
on the dance floor,

they're mine forever.



I wonder where Max is?

It's almost 2:00.

Well, he's probably
dancing his way

into the señor's heart.


Hey, Max, how was
your date? [GRUNTS]


You can have 'em.

What happened?

With a couple of drinks in
him, it was all lovey-dovey

and, "Let me show
you my tin mines."

Then, he sobered up.

Oh, dear.

Dropped me like a rock.

Not even cab fare home.

Max, I tell you what
you can do about that.

Make yourself a drink,

put on some cheap
music, and, uh,

you'll forget all about him.

Yeah, you're right,
but it won't be easy.

Every time they serve me
baked potato with the tin foil,

I'll think of what
might have been.