Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 2, Episode 4 - Murder Is a Man's Best Friend - full transcript

Freeway is chosen to star in a new dog food ad campaign, but the creator has a secret ingredient and will kill to hide it.


NARRATOR: This is my boss,
Jonathan Hart, a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,

'cause when they
met, it was murder.







I don't like it.

WOMAN: Yesterday,
I fed him twice,

and he was all right.

Today, he's eaten three times...

And look at him.

That is only his little
doggy way of saying

that he requires more.

Which should mean
that our sales...

will be ever increasing.

Now, what could
be wrong with that?

But without the food,
he becomes crazed.

Now, now, my dear,

that's only a temporary
condition, I assure you.

Watch this:


There you are, my boy.


There, you see?

Docile as a lamb.

Until, of course, he starts
to need his next feeding.

But that's what worries me.

What if the dog's owner
should run out of food?

Well, of course,

that would be a private matter
between the dog and his master.

It would be unfortunate,
I must admit.

The dog... just
might bite off the hand

that doesn't feed it.


♪ Da-da da-da da Dum-dum ♪



Hey, Max, that
smells sensational.

Thanks, Mr. H.

Let me guess.

Sure, go ahead.

Beef. Right.

Onions. Right.

Maybe a touch of wine? Right.

Beef stew.

Beef bourguignon.

Ah, that's my favorite.

When's lunch?

Right now.

[YELLS] Come and get it.

Max, I'm standing right here.

That's Freeway's bowl.


This is Freeway's lunch.

Where's my lunch?

Oh, you and Mrs. Hart

are having health-food
salads á la Max.

What's that?

Pot cheese, cabbage
and alfalfa sprouts.

What are those
little white things

without the marks that
look like dice? Tofu.

"To" what?

Tofu. Japanese bean curds.

Try one. They're good.

MAX: How do ya like it?

Snake eyes.

They're very healthy for ya...

I'm already healthy, Max.

Mrs. H wants you
to stay that way.

Oh, boy, am I hungry.

Darling, some of us
around here are getting

preferential treatment.

Oh, well, I'm glad to
see you recognized that.

Freeway is getting
beef bourguignon.

Mm-hm. I'm getting torfu.


I want an explanation.

Oh, well, that's
really very simple.

He doesn't like salad.

You see, Freeway
is very finicky.

If the food isn't just
right, he won't eat.

That's right.


What about the gobbling
gourmet? Doesn't he want it?

Oh, not with beef
bourguignon, Mr. H.



DIRECTOR: Where's the schnauzer?

He's sick? Sick?

Is there a vet on the set?

Well, scratch the schnauzer.

We'll go with the,
uh... Shih Tzu.

Stop following me
around with that thing.

We're not even shooting yet.

Where's the Shih Tzu?



He's real cute.

Would you and your dog
like to be in a TV commercial?

TV commercial?

What's the product?

It's a brand-new dog food.

We're using real
people and real dogs.

You know, we want the
reaction to be authentic.

Dog food?

It's called Doggone-Its.

See, the announcer will
open a can and put it down...

Hold it.

Store-bought dog food?

Freeway only eats
home-cooked people's food.

You're wasting your time.

Come on, Freeway.


Looks like he wants to audition.

Okay, but when he turns up
his nose, remember I told you so.

MAN: Doggone it.

Remember, your dog'll
be a goner for Doggone-Its.


Thank you so much.

Strike the Shih Tzu.

John, here's another candidate.

Another one?

Somewhere, Francis Ford
Coppola is directing Marlon Brando,

and I'm feeding straight
lines to Chihuahuas

and cocker spaniels.

I'm, uh, John
Sperling, the director.

How do you do?

I heard that white
shirts don't film so good.

I can go and change.

This is just a test.

Does Fellini put up
with this kind of abuse?

If you'll just step around
here, please, please.

Uh, Jerry, have the bowl ready.

Right. Everyone settle, please.

And have... fun with it.

Roll camera.

MAN: Speed.


Hi, Jerry Grey here to tell
you about new Doggone-Its,

the dog food that your
dog'll be simply gone on.

And, uh, your name is?

I'm Max, and this is Freeway.

Okay, Max.

Let's see if Freeway here
likes new Doggone-Its.

Look, I gotta warn ya.
Freeway is very finicky.

He don't like
store-bought dog food.

So I-I'm sorry. We're
gonna ruin your commercial.

Well, let's see about that.

Here, Freeway.


I don't believe it!

MAX: He's eating it all up.


Freeway, I-I-I don't believe it.

What'd you say the
name of this stuff was?


Remember, your dog'll
be a goner for Doggone-Its.


Beautiful! Perfect!

Beautiful! Beautiful!

It was beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful. Simply delicious.

Oh, thank you. Oh,
you were good too, Max.

Oh, Barbara. Barbara.
Get his phone number.

Doggone-Its, huh?

That's incredible stuff.

Freeway just knocked off a
big lunch before we got here.

Really? Hm.

Come on, Freeway.

Everyone... that's a wrap.

Oh, Ken. Ken, it was
superb. It was so good.

Mr. Davern, you wanna
test any more dogs today?

Oh, Ken, please.

I've already got fleas
and kennel cough.

Let's call it a day.



Where's my teamster?


Barbara, get the last
three tests to the lab

so we can screen them tonight
for Miss Braff and Dr. Cobb.

Mr. Davern, we must have
tested two dozen dogs today,

and not one turned his
nose up at Doggone-Its.

What's so special about it?

Now, what could be
special about dog food?

My ad agency has
represented many dog foods.

It's all in the packaging
and advertising.

You should know that by now.

MAX: I'm not exaggerating.

The director said
I was a natural.

And he's worked with Brando.


Is there another?

Gee, I really hope
they decide to use us.

Well, of course they will.

How could they possibly pass
up anyone as cute as Freeway?

Darling, there are
hundreds of other dogs.

Yeah, but none with his
personality, his good looks.

Thanks to my cooking,
he's good-looking.

He's gonna be famous.

A star is born.


First, there was Rin-Tin-Tin,

then Lassie, and now... Freeway!

I can see it all:

cross-country tours...

talk shows...

Freeway on the
cover of Dog's Life.


You two don't think you're
getting too carried away, do ya?

Oh, we won't let
it go to his head.

We'll still let you play

with all the dogs in
the neighborhood.

If he's got time,

what with personal
appearances and all.

You know something,

Freeway's gonna need an agent.

An agent?



That's ridiculous.

Freeway's not gonna
need an agent. How silly.

All he's really gonna need
is a business manager.


GREY [ON TV]: Doggone-Its.

The dog food that your
dog'll be simply gone on.

And, uh, your name is?

I'm Max, and this is Freeway.

Okay, Max.

Let's see if Freeway here
likes new Doggone-Its.

Look, I gotta warn ya.
Freeway is very finicky.

He don't like
store-bought dog food.

I'm sorry. We're gonna
ruin your commercial.

Well, let's see about that.

Here, Freeway.


I don't believe it!

He's eating it all up.


What'd you say the
name of this stuff is?


Remember, your dog'll
be a goner for Doggone-Its.

SPERLING: Cut. That was perfect!

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

That was marvelous. Beautiful!

Well, those were the best ones.

My vote goes to Freeway and Max.

What do you think, Miss Braff?

I have to agree.

That line about ruining
the commercial is...

solid gold.

Dr. Cobb?

The dentist with the
schnauzer wasn't bad.

What about his awful toupee?

Which one?

The dentist's or
the schnauzer's?


Very well, then.

Freeway's our dog.


Barbara, pick up the film
from the projection booth.

Sure thing.

Jack, hang on to the film.

Barbara's coming to pick it up.

You better hang on to that test.

I want that ad word
for word when we shoot.


DAVERN [OVER PA]: Doctor, are
you sure no one knows the effects

of the Doggone-Its formula?

COBB: No one but us.

And no one will...
until it's too late.

DAVERN: Don't you think
you made it too strong?

The initial shipment
must be strong.

After all, what dog owner

would deny his little
pet its favorite food?

BRAFF: We'll dilute
the formula later.

We'll make millions.

COBB: You have no objection
to making your agency famous...

to becoming a millionaire.

Do you, Ken?



You scared me.

Ya heard enough?


I guess the intercom
button was, uh...

Maybe Mr. Davern
forgot to turn it off.

The doctor doesn't
want any security leaks.


I wasn't even paying attention.

I won't tell anybody.

That's right.

You won't.


Doggone-Its dog
food spot, take 23.

Hi, Jerry Grey here to tell
you about new Doggone-Its,

the dog food that your
dog'll be simply gone on.

And, uh, your name is?


Max, and this is Freeway.


Okay, Max, um,

let's see if Freeway here
likes new Doggone-Its.

Wow! Isn't that amazing?

I... Uh... What is
the name of this?

We'll use the test.

Remember, your dog'll
be a goner for Doggone-Its.



What...? W-was that all right?

It was wonderful, Max.

W-wait, because I...
No, it was fine, just...

I tried to remember the...

Which words to
emphasize, and, uh...

Did I get it right?

Mr. Hart, Mrs. Hart.

Oh, Miss Braff.

Dr. Cobb. Hello.

It looks as if Freeway
really goes for Doggone-Its.

Doesn't it?

When is it gonna be
available to buy in the stores?

Until we gear up, we
can't go into full production.

But I would be delighted to give
you some sample cans right now.


Well, we'd certainly
appreciate that.

I'm sure Freeway will too.

BRAFF: He's a
healthy-looking dog.

You look very fit too, Mr. Hart.



Either of you wrestle?

I beg your pardon?

Well, yeah,

we wrestle over an
occasional crossword puzzle.


Why do you ask?

BRAFF: I was curious.

Wrestling is a hobby of mine.

Well, in that case, uh...

I don't think we'd
better pull your leg.

[LAUGHING] Oh, that
might be dangerous.

I... I've been laid up in this
wheelchair for a month now.

Got him in the
Argentinean backbreaker...

pinned him in 30 seconds.


You mean, the two of
you wrestle each other?

He just loves contact sports.

COBB: Indeed, I do.

Mrs. Hart, perhaps when
I'm back on my feet again,

you and Mr. Hart would
like to join Ruby and me.

For dinner?


You know, a tag team match.

Girls against the boys.

The doctor and I are
always looking for...



Oh, you know, I... I was just
saying to Jonathan the other day

that jogging is
getting to be so... dull.

Oh. Ooh.


Uh, Freeway. Come here, baby.

Miss Braff, Dr. Cobb.

Come on, darling, let's go home.


Thanks. I'll try to remember
all the motivations you gave me.


Time to go home.


So long. Hope I see
you in the next take.


Yesterday, we ran
out of Doggone-Its.

He won't eat anything else.

Freeway is not Freeway.

He's so sluggish.

He's not playful.

He won't eat my cooking.

That ain't my Freeway.

Of course it is.

He's the same old Freeway.

It's just that...

stardom is taxing on anyone.

Here, baby.

Max made it specially for you.

It's your favorite.



What's he doing?

Isn't that where you
kept the Doggone-Its.



He certainly misses them.

Misses them?

He can't live without them.



You can have any of those
publicity stills you want.

So how does it feel to
be the owners of a dog

that's about to be thrust
into the national limelight?

Well... not much
different than before.

Mr. Davern, you're the head
of advertising for Doggone-Its?

Yes, I am.

What's in it?

The ingredients?


Uh... here.

Read 'em for yourself.

Wow. Wow.

Certainly goes on forever.

Oh, we've developed
some new flavor enhancers,

but, basically, it's standard
dog food ingredients.

You see, we design a
great-looking package,

and the advertising
campaign does all the rest.

And we've got a couple of
winners in Freeway and Max.

I'll tell you one thing,

Freeway won't eat anything else.

As a matter of fact,
we were so worried,

we took him to our
own veterinarian.


Well... the vet said
he was very healthy.

It's just that he won't
touch any other sort of food.

Oh, don't worry
about that, Mrs. Hart.

I'll send you more
Doggone-Its this afternoon.

Well... thank you.

And thanks very much
for the publicity shots.

It's my pleasure.





There you go.

That's a good boy.


Ah, there you are,
my good friend.

Miss Braff, Dr. Cobb.

Wha-what seems
to be the problem?

You sounded so
worried on the phone.

DAVERN: It's the Harts.

I'm worried about them.

BRAFF: The Harts?

I find them refreshing.

They're in love.

And, they're even married.


Doctor, they're... They're
really curious about Doggone-Its.

They wanted to
know what's in it.

Then tell them.

I did. Mr. Hart even
took the list of ingredients.

Hm... So?

It's one thing to have
a list of the ingredients,

and it's quite another thing

to have the formula
for the ingredients.

BRAFF: Forget the Harts.

We have some big news for you.

Telmore Foods will
be branching out.


A whole new line
of foods... for people.

When we started this,
you said just animals.

People... It's
immoral. You can't!


I should think
you'd be delighted.

You'll be handling
the advertising

for a billion-dollar company.

You'll be rich.

Richer than you've ever dreamed.

Well, I'll, uh...

I'll have... I'll have
to think about it.

By all means...




I think you frightened them.

He may become a problem.

We know how to
deal with problems.




Here ya go, Mrs. H. Doggone-Its.

Okay, Freeway.

There you go.


You think that food's okay?


Don't be so suspicious.

If other dogs like it half
as much as Freeway does,

maybe we should buy
stock in Telmore Foods.

Maybe you should buy
the whole company, Mr. H.




May I speak to Mr. Hart please?

This is Jonathan Hart.

Uh, this is Ken
Davern at the agency.

Oh, yes, Ken. What
can I do for you?

Mr. Hart, I wanna talk to you.

This whole Doggone-Its
thing is getting out of hand.

Can you meet me in
my office right away?

What seems to be the trouble?

N-not on the phone.

I don't trust them anymore.

I'll be waiting for you.

We'll be there right away.




Who was that?

That was, um, Ken
Davern at the ad agency.

And, uh... And?

And someone listening in on us.




our conversation today... Doggone-Its...

Monday. Uh,
sincerely, Ken Davern.

Memo to all departments.

There will be a staff
meeting tomorrow morning

at 10 sharp in my office

to discuss the east coast
media buy and subsequent plans

for saturation selling in
the New York and Boston...

Uh, Boston markets.

He is... Dead.



Call the police,
darling. I'll be right back.


What outfit are you with?

Arrowpoint Custodial.


Is this, uh, uniform
standard equipment?


How 'bout those?








Oh... darling.

Oh, darling.

I thought you fell 21 floors.

That was the idea.

Luckily, the elevator was on 20.

Listen, I think it's
about time we find out

just how they make Doggone-Its.

I'm with you.

Let's go.

Now, our chemistry
department took the ingredients

in every known dog food,

plus the ingredients
in Doggone-Its

and fed them all
into the computer.

So if there's anything
different in Doggone-Its,

it will, uh, show in
this printout, right?

Right you are, sir.

And here they are.

Nitrous sulphonexol and this...

Yeah, that's, uh, dicalcium
sulphoromatol, right?



Sounds delicious.

No wonder Freeway loves it.


are these ingredients
only found in Doggone-Its?

No. A lot of the foods contain
one or the other of them.

Then, that's not it.

Maybe not, but the strange thing

is that only Doggone-Its

contains both these chemicals.

Are you saying that these
two ingredients are harmless,

but if you put them together,
they'd make something different?

It's possible.

For instance, uh,
if you have vodka...

And you add orange juice,

you get a screwdriver.


If you say so, Mrs. Hart.

Uh, now, here I've arranged
a-a little demonstration.

Now, you see two
harmless chemicals,

but you mix one with the other,

and you get a third thing
that's completely different.


I guess I made this
batch a little strong.

Uh, but I'll take care
of it, Mr. Hart, okay?


what do you think that the
chemicals in Doggone-Its...

What do you think
they're producing?

Um, well, I... Our
chemists seem to think

it's some kind of new,
undetectable stimulant,

but until we get the...
The right chemical balance,

who knows?

If Freeway could only talk,

he could tell us
what the effect was.

It's just too bad that he can't.

Hi, Jerry Grey here to tell
you about new Doggone-Its,

the dog food that your
dog'll be simply gone on.

And, uh, your name is?

I'm Max, and this is Freeway.

Okay, Max, um,

[BARKS] let's see if Freeway...

Quiet! This is the
world premiere.

Freeway is very finicky.

He don't like
store-bought dog food.

I'm sorry, we're gonna
ruin your commercial.

JERRY: Well,
let's see about that.

Here, Freeway.

Freeway? I don't believe it!

He's eating it all up.

What'd you say the
name of this stuff is?


Remember, your dog'll
be a goner for Doggone-Its.

That is super. That's
good. DEANNE: Oh!

JENNIFER: Well done.

Well done.

I can't understand
why they used that one.

The other was so
much more... meaningful.

MAX: Well, fame is
fleeting, back to work.

Ah-ah-ah. Max, we had
this party especially for you.

This is your night.

So you relax, we'll take over.


Oh, I'll get that.

Mrs. Hart,

um, I can help with
the hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, great. Thanks, Deanne.

Uh, I'll help, Deanne.

Max, with me
handling your career,

you're going all
the way to the top.

Yeah? You think so?

If he does for you what
he did for me, honey,

good luck.

Isn't she great?

Ooh, I don't know
what to bring out first.

This pâté looks good.


Mm-mm, okay,

well, then, I'll
bring out the wine,

and, uh, this ice bucket,

and you bring the pâté.

Okay. Okay.




You know, I think with
a little more exposure,

I could sit in for
Johnny Carson.

Why not?

As a matter of fact,
Johnny is a very, very dear

personal friend of mine.

"He-e-e-ere's Max."


place them over there.

DEANNE: Oh, okay.

Here's some great pâté. Try it.


No, thanks.

I'm a vegetarian.

Looks great.

No, I don't think I
should have any.

I gotta watch out
for my waistline now.



This is very wet. Yeah?


Oh, perfect. Thanks.



Well, he doesn't seem to
be having too good a time.

No, he doesn't.

Maybe it's the excitement.

What do you think? Ah.

Nah, it's time for dinner.

Come on, Freeway.

Time to eat.

Are there any carrots?


No vegetables.

Just pâté.

I got it all ready
for ya, Freeway.

I could have swore I
left this full of dog food.

We didn't have any
pâté in the house.

Oh, jeez!

MAN: A guy goes
into the doctor's office,

says, "Doc, you gotta
help me. I think I'm a dog."

The doctor says, "How
long you felt this way?"

He says, "Ever
since I was a puppy."


This is interesting.

Mm-hm. Is it duck or goose?

I don't know.

Has a bite to it. Mm.

Or should I say peck?


DEANNE: It's sort
of like eating peanuts.

One just isn't enough.

MAX: You can't eat that.

Says who? Ah!

He's on TV once, he
thinks he's a big star.

Beat it, Bogart.


Mrs. H, the pâté.

What pâté, Max?
We're not serving pâté.

We're only serving
cheese and crackers.

You know that from here,
that, uh, so-called pâté

looks like Doggone-Its.

You mean, when they were
in the kitchen helping to serve?

It's okay, Max.
It's not your fault.


Yeah. I got it.

How's it going?

Well... [GIGGLES]

it's almost gone.

[SOBBING] I don't
know what I'm gonna do.

Oh. Well, that's nothing
to get upset about.

Oh, yes, it is.


How are you doing?


This pâté is delicioso.

Wait till I tell the
little woman about it.


And while I'm at it, I
think I'll tell my wife.


Oh, my.



Are you all right, Stanley?

There was nobody
driving, officer.

I swear, we were
in the back seat.

[SOBBING] Oh, no.


Gretchen died, and I don't
know what I'm gonna do.


My gerbil.

I went to kindergarten class,
and when I came home...

she was gone.


[WEEPING] It's not funny.

I'm very upset.

Good night. Thanks for coming.

Good night, Janice.



Oh. Oh. Thanks a lot, Mr. Hart.

Great party.

Great. Thank you, Mrs. Hart.


Stanley, you're not driving.


You're in no condition to drive.

We're not driving, we're flying.



See you later.



Stanley, uh...

It's okay, Mr. Hart,
I'll drive him home.

WOMAN: Thank you
very much, Mrs. Hart.


JONATHAN: You know, Freeway
is not the only one that can't talk.

can say that again.

You know, Freeway is
not the only one... Ah-ah.

There is something
else in Doggone-Its.

Obviously, it's a narcotic.


where can I buy that pâté?

Well, if we don't
put a stop to it,

you're going to be able to
get it in your local supermarket.

Gourmet section?

Pet food.

Pet food?


[MOUTHING] Pet food.




So the Harts know.

I think, Mr. Cutshall,

that they should be
dealt with with dispatch.

Right away, Mr. Cutshall.

But they've proved
to be very elusive.

Don't worry. There'll
be no slip-ups.

I'll go after 'em.

Why go after them?

Perhaps they can be
persuaded to come to you.

Let's put on our thinking caps.



I'll be right back, Freeway,

soon as I finish the dishes.


Come on, Freeway.

Psst. Freeway.


Come on, Freeway.

Come on.

Freeway, come on.

Come on, Freeway.



Okay, Freeway, it's ti...



Freeway, here, boy.




I just don't understand Freeway.

He's never disappeared
like this before.

It's my fault.

I heard him bark,
then he was gone.

Don't blame yourself, Max.

But I should have
kept an eye on him.

I knew he was under
a lot of pressure.

Now, how are we gonna find him?

Well, we looked
for him all last night.

I don't know what
else we can do.


I'll get it.


COBB: Hello, Mr. Hart,

I think your guardian angel
has been working overtime.

At any rate, I think we've
found your little doggy.

The name on the
collar was Freeway,

and the telephone
number was yours.

Oh, that's wonderful.
They found Freeway.

They got all the information
off the tag on his collar.

How is he?

Is he all right?

Oh, he's perfect. Just perfect.

But I fear he misses
you dreadfully.

Listen, we thank you very much.

You know that there is
a reward in this for you.

Uh, where can we pick him up?

[CHUCKLES] 460 Redmond Drive.

We'll be there in
about 20 minutes.

20 minutes.

Oh, that's perfect.

Just perfect.

What a gentleman.

We're getting a reward.

Are you sure he
said 460 Redmond?


Well, there doesn't
seem to be a 460.


Watch out! Duck!





Where are we going now?

To get Freeway,
if it's not too late.

L.A. Mobile. Come
in, L.A. Mobile.

Get me the police.


You guys haven't seen
Freeway, have you?

I'll check down there.
You go that way, darling.


Well... hello, Miss Braff.

Well, Mr. Hart, here we are.

Alone at last.

You know, ever since I met you,

I wanted to get you in a clinch.

Oh. One of those, uh,

two out of three falls
kind of thing, huh?

One-hour time limit?

As a matter of fact,

this will only take a second.


COBB: Hold it
right there, Mr. Hart!


It was foolish of me

to send Mr. Cutshall after you.

When all is said and done,

if you want a job done properly,

you have to do it yourself.


It's such a naughty
old world, Mr. Hart.

You'll be so much
better off... [GUN COCKS]

out of it.




Once you get hooked,
you're gonna love it.

Yes, it's an acquired taste.




gleanings, for short."

Refs. Reference.


Darling, are you coming to bed?

I sure am.

Hey, Freeway,

now, you know that
we have got rules

for this kind of
thing. You know that.

Oh, darling, couldn't we just
make an exception tonight?

He's been such a good boy.

Oh, you're right.

He's been a brick all the way,

even when he had
to go cold turkey.


Hey, good dog.

Well, will you listen to that.

He finally likes turkey.

Thank God. Come here.

You know, having a dog with
a golden paw is a bit much.

[KISSES] Poor baby.
He's been through a lot.

He's been through a lot? Yes.

What about me?

I got shot at,

thrown down an elevator shaft,

not to mention narrowly escaping
the Argentinean backbreaker.

Yes, but think of Freeway.

He's had his career
nipped in the bud.

Well, tough luck, old buddy,

but that's television.

It's dog-eat-dog.