Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 2, Episode 3 - This Lady Is Murder - full transcript
Jennifer is kidnapped by a man who wants to get some of the money from an old crime by holding his ex-partner's wife, who happens to be a dead ringer for Jennifer.
[♪♪♪]
NARRATOR: This is my boss,
Jonathan Hart, a self-made millionaire.
He's quite a guy.
This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.
She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.
By the way, my name is Max.
I take care of both of them,
which ain't easy,
'cause when they
met, it was murder.
[♪♪♪]
[WHIMPERS]
JENNIFER: I had the
most awful dream last night.
We were, uh... We
were in France, and...
You fell into this
huge vat of Beaujolais.
Well, if it was a '73,
I probably never
bothered to come up.
Oh, but you did.
You kept coming
up and going down
and coming up again.
And every time you came up,
you were a few years younger,
until finally, you were
only 15 years old.
Isn't that awful?
Not if we could find
the winery again.
You wanna know something?
[CHUCKLES]
I would never
want to be 15 again.
You wouldn't? Why not?
Because when I was 15,
I never spent such
exciting evenings.
What about the mornings?
Look over there.
Oh!
For us? Mm-hm.
What'd I do to deserve this?
You did everything.
I thought we could take
a ride this morning, hm?
But I don't remember
what the weatherman
predicted last night.
[LAUGHS]
That's because we only watched
through the sports, remember?
[♪♪♪]
Tired?
No, I like riding behind you.
I hope that's a compliment.
You can be sure of it.
Did you see the license
plate on that limo?
"Big Bucks."
JONATHAN: Big deal.
You know, Dominique,
I don't get you.
You got everything
you could want.
Clothes, jewelry.
I even got you a chauffeur
to drive you around.
So, what's with the bike bit?
[SIGHS]
It's called staying
in shape, Martin.
Some of us still care
what we look like
with our clothes off.
[CHUCKLES]
What's wrong with that?
Thank you, Nelson.
You're quite welcome, madam.
Hey, hey. Shut the door, Nelson.
Shut the door, would you please?
We're losing air conditioning.
I'm sorry, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Like to take a rest?
Tired? I thought you might be.
Are you kidding?
Didn't you know that women excel
in sports that require
prolonged endurance?
Yeah, I've heard that
women also like sports
that require great
bursts of energy.
[CHUCKLES]
Boy, I could sure go for
one of Max's huevos
rancheros right now.
Oh, I know what you mean.
Even the vegetation is
beginning to look edible.
What about an ice cream?
I thought you'd never ask.
I'll tell you what.
I'll race you to
Tony's. Loser treats.
I'll even give you a handicap.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
One day on a bike and
you're already Evel Knievel.
Okay, I tell you what.
Give me a count of 30.
You got it. Now.
[♪♪♪]
BARNEY: Benton.
Who's he kidding?
I'm doing three years hard time,
and he's in Vegas with
his chick on his arm,
spending my share
at the Desert Sunrise.
Look, I know.
He shoulda passed
ya somethin' extra
for taking the full rap.
Yeah, but if he's
gonna keep this up,
he's gonna have to
pay plenty. Right, Mick?
Whatever you say, Barney.
You're the big brother.
She'll be here. She comes
by here every Saturday.
[♪♪♪]
There she is. Let's go.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Hey, you're getting
a little too close!
[SCREAMS]
Don't move. Don't shout.
Don't do anything.
Hey, look, I'm sorry
if I cut you off, but...
Just shut up and sit still.
Okay. Okay.
It's too hot to walk
today anyway. Heh.
Just be cool, Dominique,
if you ever want to
see your old man again.
Dominique?
I can't figure out what
could've happened to her.
Oh, she'll be along
in a minute, Mr. Hart.
Here. Thanks a lot, Tony.
See ya.
Hey, kiddo.
Did you see a lady,
very good-looking,
wearing white, riding a bicycle?
No, but I wish I had.
Thanks.
[♪♪♪]
Did you have a nice
ride, Mrs. Benton?
Yes, I did. Thank you, Nelson.
Jennifer.
Yes?
I'm sorry, but I...
I thought you were my wife.
What an intriguing possibility.
Give us a break, would ya,
pal? Does she look like your wife?
Yeah, as a matter
of fact, she does.
You're a lucky guy.
Hey, mister.
Hey, mister, look.
I found this bike,
just like yours,
lying across the sidewalk.
Looks like someone
had a bad accident.
JONATHAN: Larry,
don't make me beg.
You didn't hesitate to call
me when you were in trouble.
Now, I need the
favor, and I need it now.
This is Jennifer
we're talking about.
You understand me?
You get back to me.
Now, lieutenant, I told you.
We ain't had no ransom call yet.
[RINGS]
Yeah?
What do ya mean you've
looked everywhere?
Keep on looking.
Get the word around.
You know all the right people.
I don't care what it costs.
Get to 'em.
Okay.
Right, I understand.
Okay. Thanks.
Lieutenant says that
usually in a kidnap case,
you hear within 24 hours.
I just can't sit
around here, Max.
I'm gonna go take
another look. [RINGS]
You looked already. Come
on, you gotta get some rest.
Hart residence.
This is Althea Prinz,
Los Angeles Tribune.
We already got
two subscriptions.
Who is that?
Some dame with a phony
accent called Althea Prinz.
Yeah, she's a... A
gossip columnist.
She writes about
celebrities and scandals
and things like that.
Mr. Hart doesn't give
interviews to gossip columnists.
I am a society reporter.
Now, I insist you put
Mr. Hart on the wire.
It's about his wife.
She says it's about Mrs. H.
This is Jonathan Hart.
What do you have on my wife?
Nothing as yet, Mr. Hart.
But I'd like to have
an exclusive on
Jennifer's disappearance.
What disappearance?
The one I heard about
from my contacts downtown.
Oh, and I thought I had
friends in the police department.
Well, Ms. Prinz, let's just say
that Jennifer's disappearance
was, um, let's... Let's
call it "lost in action."
The police are doing everything
they can to keep this quiet.
I'm sure that you
will cooperate.
It will make a big difference
as far as Jennifer is concerned.
You understand? Of course.
I have no desire to interfere
with Mrs. Hart's safety.
But you must understand
the responsibility
of the journalist to the reader.
Surely you believe in
freedom of the press, Mr. Hart?
No comment.
Thank you very much, Ms. Prinz.
She isn't gonna
print the story, is she?
She's made her reputation
on destroying other people's.
I don't think she's
going to have
a sudden attack
of decency, do you?
What time is it, Max?
Don't worry. The
24 hours ain't up yet.
Did you deep-six the
van? Yeah. No problem.
What's the matter, Mrs. Benton?
Not up to your usual standards?
Not like the rich food Benton's
been feeding you with my money?
You should have seen the
slop they fed me in the slammer.
You'd be grateful
for what you got.
Go ahead, Dominique, eat.
For the twentieth time, I
told you I'm not Dominique.
Then who are ya?
I'm... I'm somebody else.
You got some ID to show
you're somebody else?
Well, of course I
don't have any ID.
I was bicycling, remember?
Uh-huh. Just like you
do every Saturday.
But pretending is
not gonna get you
out of this alive, Mrs. Benton.
Just like Marty Benkovich
pretending to be
respectable Martin Benton,
don't make him
any less of a slob.
You gonna eat this?
No.
Now, you just stay put, baby.
I'm gonna phone your old man
to let him know
that you're all right,
for the time being.
[PHONE RINGING]
Yeah?
BARNEY: Is this
Martin Benkovich?
Speakin'.
Hi, Marty. This is Barney.
Barney who?
"Barney who"?
Barney that took the rap
and did the time, wise guy.
Oh. That Barney.
Yeah, we got your
lovely wife here now.
I thought you'd
probably want her back
as soon as we've ironed out
the financial details
of this transaction.
You know, Barney, it seems
what little is left of your brain
is turning to watermelon.
Very cute, Marty. You
ready to talk business,
or, uh, shall I conclude
this transaction right now?
I'd be just as happy
to ring up a "no sale".
[♪♪♪]
I don't know what you're
carrying on about, pal.
My lovely wife's standing
right here next to me.
Don't try to con me,
Benkovich. It won't work this time!
Barney, look, she's
worth nothing to us dead.
Sit down!
Bet you'd like to
talk to your wife.
I've been talking
to her all night.
I think it's about time
maybe you spoke to her.
Do me a favor. Say
hi to this banana brain.
Hello, banana brain.
This is Dominique Benton.
Yeah, and this is the
president of the United States.
Well, it's been delightful
to talk to you, Jimmy.
But it sounds to me as if
you've had one too many peanut.
She's a real doll,
isn't she, Barney, pal?
To know her is to love her.
Too bad you'll never
have the pleasure.
Well, it's obviously a
case of mistaken identity.
What did I tell you?
Like I said. So I'll
just go on home.
You don't have to drive me.
I'll get a cab or walk.
No, no, wait. I-I can...
I-I can drop her, Barney.
You can drop her off a cliff.
She's not going anywhere.
He's got another
broad there with him.
The last time I fell
for one of his tricks,
I did three years.
This time, it's gonna
cost him 500 grand.
Well, it looks like, uh...
you're gonna be here
for a while, Dominique,
so, look, why don't ya just...
Sit down and...
I don't know. Eat...
Eat something.
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: "Wealthy
Industrialist's Wife Missing."
"Although the police were
reluctant to reveal the details,
a kidnapping has
not been excluded."
Althea Prinz's column.
Oh, you guys suck a
lot of water down there.
Aw, come on, Jonathan,
give me a break.
You're really hot down there.
Aw, come on, Jonathan.
I can't keep
everybody's mouth shut.
Let me ask you something.
Have you got a plan?
Do you have anything
going about this?
Uh, we... We have a plan.
In a manner of
speaking, we have a plan.
Look, Jonathan,
it's a kidnapping.
I mean, come on,
what are you gonna do?
You gotta wait for them to make
the first move, right?
When it comes to Jennifer,
I make the first move.
No, Jonathan, we
make the first moves
when it comes to Jennifer.
We're involved
now... Then make one.
Jonathan, I would do that
if you just try and trust me
a little while longer on this.
Would ya, please?
Come on, Jonathan.
God, I've known
you guys a long time.
I really care about Jennifer.
It's rough, I know.
I'm sorry too.
Not as sorry as we'll be if
anything happens to Mrs. H.
[♪♪♪]
Hi. Hi.
Look, I... I brought you some
food that you might like better.
That other stuff is...
Oh, well, thank you.
Here, let me help you.
Barney awake yet?
Barney? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
he called your name
just as you came in.
He wants his paper. Ah.
[♪♪♪]
You know, this broad
was telling the truth.
She's not Dominique. What?
Hey!
I believed her all along.
This could turn out even
better than we thought.
[DOOR CREAKING]
Hey, Dominique, come back!
Hey! Dominique, come back here!
Hey, kid!
Kid?
Listen, I really hate
to do this to you...
Hey. Hey, wait. Lady.
You're not gonna
understand... Wait.
Hey, wait. Lady.
This is an emergency.
You know what I mean? Lady, hey!
Hey, lady! You got no brakes!
[ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
JENNIFER: Ooh!
Oh!
I hope I know what I'm doing!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Excuse me! [HONKING]
[HONKING]
Ooh!
Whoa. Oh!
[EXHALES]
Oh.
They say the legs
are the first thing to go.
Oh, hey! Hey, hey!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Oh, great! Oh!
Oh, thanks for stopping.
I need to get to a telephone.
You know, you
finally convinced me.
We're gonna make a
bigger killing out of this
than we thought,
Mrs. Jennifer Hart.
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: Let's
run over it again, okay?
MAX: Sure, Mr. H.
Jennifer never had
any enemies, right?
Everybody's crazy about her.
She never hurt anybody,
or harmed anyone that I know of.
She even had me
throw out that fly swatter.
It's got to be money.
It's got to be kidnapping.
But why haven't they called?
It don't figure.
Unless, Max...
Unless what, Mr. H?
Unless they think that
she could be someone else.
Well, who can that be?
Big Bucks.
Yep, that's what
they're gonna ask for.
No, I don't mean that.
You remember when I
told ya I was in the park,
and I saw this
woman in a limousine?
The lady who looked
a little like Mrs. H?
She looked a lot like Mrs.
H. That's gotta be it. That's it.
You still got that
friend of yours
down at the Motor
Vehicle Bureau?
Yeah, the one who's
seen Star Wars 47 times.
Can you get her to run a license
plate for us between shows?
Sure.
Uh, what is it, the plate?
Big Bucks.
Nothing like
advertising, I always say.
BARNEY: My luck
was due to change.
Her old man's got a lot
more money than Marty, baby,
and he doesn't even
know who we are.
We play this one right,
we don't leave a trace.
What's your number,
Jennifer Hart?
Look, you gotta tell him.
How do I know you'll let me go?
You ain't got many choices.
You'll be safe.
I promise.
[♪♪♪]
Mr. Hart.
Thank you.
It's a possibility that
whoever kidnapped my wife...
could have been after yours.
Any idea who that might be?
You seem like a
nice fellow, Mr. Hart.
I'd like to help you out.
But I don't have a clue,
you know what I mean?
Martin,
perhaps Mr. Hart is
alluding to your friend.
Banana Brain.
Banana Brain?
Who's that?
That? Heh-heh.
That is no one.
He's a practical joker
I know, being cute.
Benton,
are you telling me that
somebody contacted you about this,
and you're considering
it to be a practical joke?
I ain't tellin' you nothing.
I mean, I don't know.
It's not a joke.
And I'm not laughing.
Look, Hart, you're disturbing
my concentration here.
Nelson.
Nelson.
When you stop laughing...
I'll be expecting
your phone call.
[♪♪♪]
MAX: Take it easy, Mr. H.
I'm right, Max.
I know I'm right,
but I just can't get
a rise out of them.
[RINGING]
Hello?
BARNEY: You want
to see your wife again,
you better listen.
Is Jennifer all right?
She won't be unless I have
half a million in my hands
by this time tomorrow.
Well, that won't be easy.
That takes time, you know.
From what I hear,
half a million is no
sweat for you, Mr. Hart.
You got 24 hours.
After that, all the money
in the world won't save her.
Let me speak to
Jennifer, please.
They got her, Mr. H.
Whatever we gonna do?
We'll give them the money.
Then we'll get Jennifer back.
Then I'll deal with them.
[PHONE RINGS]
Yeah?
Sure. Come on up.
Dominique?
Yeah.
She announced
herself at the gate.
I really do appreciate
your coming, Mrs. Benton.
I'm pretty desperate.
Oh, I'm sure I'll find some
way for you to repay me.
Is there something wrong?
It's amazing.
It's incredible,
the resemblance.
[CHUCKLES]
Sit down, please.
Thank you.
Can you tell me
anything about this call
from Banana Brain?
Well, he couldn't have
been a friend of Martin's.
Martin had a little
case of the frights
after it was over.
They had Jennifer, my wife?
Evidently.
Mr. Hart,
I think that
supposition of yours
about them taking her
instead of me is true.
That's why I agreed to
come here when you called.
Do you have any idea
why someone would
wanna kidnap you?
It must have something
to do with money.
But I really don't know.
You see, Martin never
discusses business with me.
If they did get the money...
would they kill her?
I did hear Martin say
that he didn't think...
she stood a chance
with those people.
And he oughta know.
He used to be one
of those people.
So you'd probably have a
better chance than anyone.
Oh, now, Mr. Hart.
I agreed to help you.
I did not agree to change
places with your wife.
That isn't what I had in mind.
If we could convince them
that they still have you
and they're still
dealing with Benton,
that you're their hostage,
then maybe my idea might work.
My, my.
You do like to play
with fire, don't you?
MAX: This plan is as full of
holes as a Nantucket fishnet.
Number one, how
do we get in touch
with the guys who got Mrs. H?
What's the matter, Max?
Don't you believe everything
you read in the paper?
Hello, Althea Prinz, please.
This is Jonathan Hart.
ALTHEA: Mr. Hart!
This is unexpected.
Yes, well, uh, I've been
thinking about what you said.
About my being so elusive?
And, uh, I want you to
know that I agree with you.
Absolutely.
And I thought we
could get together
and discuss it
at dinner tonight.
Tonight?
Let me check my calendar.
Oh, I've found I've had
a cancellation after all,
so it would be a pleasure.
Yes. I thought we could, uh,
go to L'Restaurant.
About 8:15 or 8:30?
Would that be convenient?
Eight-thirty?
Perfect.
Terrific.
Jennifer and I will
enjoy seeing you.
Jennifer? But... [♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: In here.
I think it's best if you wore
something of Jennifer's.
Those society editors
know everything she wore.
Take anything you like.
Lovely.
Which do you prefer?
Well, Jennifer looked
great in everything.
But, uh...
I am rather partial to that one.
Hmm.
The prince always
preferred me in black.
The prince? Yes.
My third husband.
He died before I
could divorce him.
I looked sensational
at the funeral.
The prince would
have loved the outfit.
What about Mr. Benton?
Martin? Oh, he
has horrible taste.
No, no. I mean, uh...
what do you think
that Mr. Benton
will think about, uh,
your helping me out?
He can be handled.
It's really fairly simple.
If he gets mad enough,
he'll do anything.
How do we get him mad enough?
Oh, that's easy.
I just stay here tonight.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Good evening, Ms. Prinz.
How are you?
Very well, thank you.
Please, call me Althea.
Everyone does.
Unless they're calling me
something else at the time.
You've, uh, met
my wife, Jennifer?
Fleetingly.
I'll call you Althea
until something
else occurs to me.
I thought it would
be a real good idea
if we all got together
and rectified a
few of the rumors.
I suppose you are going to
want a front page retraction
on my story on Jennifer's
mysterious disappearance.
That is exactly what I want.
My total credibility
as a journalist
will be shattered.
Well, I'm sure you'll be
able to sweep the pieces
under a rug.
Yes, a very small rug.
How are you, Mr. Hart?
Oh, good evening,
Paul, how are you?
Very well, thank you.
I think we'll have the
champagne tonight.
A '69. That'd be a perfect year.
Very good.
DOMINIQUE: Darling,
why don't you come
over a little closer?
If you don't start
acting friendlier,
Althea will think our
marriage is a little shaky.
There, isn't that better?
You see, Althea,
I love this dear man so much.
You can quote me if you like.
Now, Jennifer,
you two weren't having a
trial separation or anything?
Oh, no, no. Nothing like that.
That would be ridiculous.
Jennifer is the most...
wonderful woman in the world.
My life.
My wife.
Ah.
And?
And, um...
well, you're very special
and a perfect person.
And?
And I love you very much.
And?
Well, what more can I say?
Don't say.
Do.
I've just had the
most wonderful idea.
Why don't we get
married all over again?
Get married all over again?
Mm-hm.
Why?
Because this time,
I'd like to wear black.
I love it.
Yes, I thought you might.
All you Prinzes are alike.
[CHUCKLES]
[DOOR CLOSES]
We going somewhere?
BARNEY: Early in the morning,
I call her old man,
we pick up the bread, we split.
Um... Wh-what about her?
We finish with
her, she's finished.
[♪♪♪]
BARNEY: "Earlier, Mrs. Hart
had been erroneously named
"as a kidnap victim.
"But this reporter had
the pleasure last night
"of dining with
that divine woman
"and her handsome and
distinguished husband
and the Harts looked
as much in love as ever."
I don't like being played for
a fool, Mrs. Martin Benton.
MICK: Benton will still
pay a bundle for her.
Come on. Now, lady,
you're gonna get on
the phone to Benton,
and you're gonna make it good,
or you're as good as dead.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it, Mr. H.
Thanks.
Well, good morning. Sleep well?
Very, thank you.
Your guest house
is very comfortable.
Next time I have
a fight with Martin,
I'll know where to come.
You know, looking at
you, it's really amazing.
It seems like yesterday
never happened.
Sort of like last night.
Speaking of Martin,
you can tell him all about it.
Right about now.
Be on the phone
down there, will you?
All right, where is she?
I know she's here.
Relax, Benton.
Don't try to smooth me, Hart.
I could tell she had her
antenna up for you right away.
Easy, Martin.
Come on in and sit down.
We can talk this thing over.
I oughta let you have
one, you know that?
Sit down. Sit down.
All right, somebody tell
me what's goin' on here.
Look, they've
already got my wife.
Now, I'm gonna pay the ransom.
But I'm worried about
is what they might
do to her afterwards.
So what I'm thinking is,
if we could convince
them that it's your wife,
they won't mess with you, eh?
They won't mess
with Marty Benkovich.
I eat 'em up and
spit those guys out.
Exactly.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Martin.
The old neighborhood's showing.
She's right, Martin.
It is your neighborhood.
And you... You make the rules.
Hm.
Yes, I do make the rules. Yeah.
Excuse me, sir.
You have a call.
Yeah?
Hey, Marty, it's your old buddy.
You, uh, misplace
anything lately?
What timing.
It's Banana Brain.
I thought you
might have noticed.
Listen, big shot,
that cute little trick you
pulled trying to sucker me
into thinkin' I had
that Hart broad,
that's gonna cost
you an extra hundred.
So I'm gonna be
lookin' at 600,000.
Hey, clown, go chase yourself.
That little try at blackmail
just cost you the 100 grand.
Take it or leave it.
One hour.
T & L Wrecking, Grand and 23rd.
Deal's made. One hour.
T & L Wrecking, Grand and 23rd.
I saved you a little somethin'.
I'd have been willing
to pay anything.
Don't be silly. Once
you cave in, they got you.
You never see that lady again.
You got a great head
for figures, Mr. Benton.
Got a spot for me?
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: I'll get out here.
Watch and see that
everything goes smoothly.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Okay, Mr. Benkovich.
Come halfway toward
me, drop the bag,
then get going.
What about my wife?
I'm runnin' this show.
You'll get yours when
I'm good and ready.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Go get it.
It's all here.
Bring it in.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Banana Brain.
[GUNSHOT]
It's all over, big brother.
The hell it is.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Hey! What's going on?
Put me down! Get
me down from here!
Throw out your
gun and the money!
Jonathan!
Jonathan!
JONATHAN: Are you all right?
Uh-huh.
MARTY: Tsk, tsk, tsk.
You all right?
Mm-hm.
Be careful, you're
gonna get dirty.
You know what I mean?
Oh, Marty.
[♪♪♪]
Well, I guess one good
turn deserves another, huh?
I certainly have enjoyed
meeting your husband.
And you.
[MOUTHS] Oh.
It's really amazing.
Mm.
I don't believe
what I'm looking at.
You?
You're looking
at 20 years to life.
That's what you're lookin' at.
JENNIFER: I guess everybody
was really amazed how
much we looked alike.
Well, there is an
incredible resemblance.
I can tell you that.
Now, tell... Now...
tell me the truth.
Didn't you ever once
think that maybe it was me?
Well, uh...
there was one point.
When you kissed her?
Well, I had to kiss her
because I had to make it
look good in front of Althea.
Did she, uh?
Kiss like me?
To tell you the truth, darling, I
honestly don't remember, my...
My lips were next to hers,
but my heart was
always with you.
Aw.
What a lovely thing to say.
Thanks.
You're absolutely sure
she didn't kiss
anything like me.
Honestly, darling, I...
I really don't remember.
Try.
Mm-hm.
Yeah. What?
There is a similarity. Really?
Let me try once more.
Mm.
It's the physiognomy.
Jonathan, this sounds
like we're in a biology class.
And there's only one
way to get out of that.
How?
Jonathan.
Advanced studies.
[♪♪♪]
NARRATOR: This is my boss,
Jonathan Hart, a self-made millionaire.
He's quite a guy.
This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.
She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.
By the way, my name is Max.
I take care of both of them,
which ain't easy,
'cause when they
met, it was murder.
[♪♪♪]
[WHIMPERS]
JENNIFER: I had the
most awful dream last night.
We were, uh... We
were in France, and...
You fell into this
huge vat of Beaujolais.
Well, if it was a '73,
I probably never
bothered to come up.
Oh, but you did.
You kept coming
up and going down
and coming up again.
And every time you came up,
you were a few years younger,
until finally, you were
only 15 years old.
Isn't that awful?
Not if we could find
the winery again.
You wanna know something?
[CHUCKLES]
I would never
want to be 15 again.
You wouldn't? Why not?
Because when I was 15,
I never spent such
exciting evenings.
What about the mornings?
Look over there.
Oh!
For us? Mm-hm.
What'd I do to deserve this?
You did everything.
I thought we could take
a ride this morning, hm?
But I don't remember
what the weatherman
predicted last night.
[LAUGHS]
That's because we only watched
through the sports, remember?
[♪♪♪]
Tired?
No, I like riding behind you.
I hope that's a compliment.
You can be sure of it.
Did you see the license
plate on that limo?
"Big Bucks."
JONATHAN: Big deal.
You know, Dominique,
I don't get you.
You got everything
you could want.
Clothes, jewelry.
I even got you a chauffeur
to drive you around.
So, what's with the bike bit?
[SIGHS]
It's called staying
in shape, Martin.
Some of us still care
what we look like
with our clothes off.
[CHUCKLES]
What's wrong with that?
Thank you, Nelson.
You're quite welcome, madam.
Hey, hey. Shut the door, Nelson.
Shut the door, would you please?
We're losing air conditioning.
I'm sorry, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Like to take a rest?
Tired? I thought you might be.
Are you kidding?
Didn't you know that women excel
in sports that require
prolonged endurance?
Yeah, I've heard that
women also like sports
that require great
bursts of energy.
[CHUCKLES]
Boy, I could sure go for
one of Max's huevos
rancheros right now.
Oh, I know what you mean.
Even the vegetation is
beginning to look edible.
What about an ice cream?
I thought you'd never ask.
I'll tell you what.
I'll race you to
Tony's. Loser treats.
I'll even give you a handicap.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
One day on a bike and
you're already Evel Knievel.
Okay, I tell you what.
Give me a count of 30.
You got it. Now.
[♪♪♪]
BARNEY: Benton.
Who's he kidding?
I'm doing three years hard time,
and he's in Vegas with
his chick on his arm,
spending my share
at the Desert Sunrise.
Look, I know.
He shoulda passed
ya somethin' extra
for taking the full rap.
Yeah, but if he's
gonna keep this up,
he's gonna have to
pay plenty. Right, Mick?
Whatever you say, Barney.
You're the big brother.
She'll be here. She comes
by here every Saturday.
[♪♪♪]
There she is. Let's go.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Hey, you're getting
a little too close!
[SCREAMS]
Don't move. Don't shout.
Don't do anything.
Hey, look, I'm sorry
if I cut you off, but...
Just shut up and sit still.
Okay. Okay.
It's too hot to walk
today anyway. Heh.
Just be cool, Dominique,
if you ever want to
see your old man again.
Dominique?
I can't figure out what
could've happened to her.
Oh, she'll be along
in a minute, Mr. Hart.
Here. Thanks a lot, Tony.
See ya.
Hey, kiddo.
Did you see a lady,
very good-looking,
wearing white, riding a bicycle?
No, but I wish I had.
Thanks.
[♪♪♪]
Did you have a nice
ride, Mrs. Benton?
Yes, I did. Thank you, Nelson.
Jennifer.
Yes?
I'm sorry, but I...
I thought you were my wife.
What an intriguing possibility.
Give us a break, would ya,
pal? Does she look like your wife?
Yeah, as a matter
of fact, she does.
You're a lucky guy.
Hey, mister.
Hey, mister, look.
I found this bike,
just like yours,
lying across the sidewalk.
Looks like someone
had a bad accident.
JONATHAN: Larry,
don't make me beg.
You didn't hesitate to call
me when you were in trouble.
Now, I need the
favor, and I need it now.
This is Jennifer
we're talking about.
You understand me?
You get back to me.
Now, lieutenant, I told you.
We ain't had no ransom call yet.
[RINGS]
Yeah?
What do ya mean you've
looked everywhere?
Keep on looking.
Get the word around.
You know all the right people.
I don't care what it costs.
Get to 'em.
Okay.
Right, I understand.
Okay. Thanks.
Lieutenant says that
usually in a kidnap case,
you hear within 24 hours.
I just can't sit
around here, Max.
I'm gonna go take
another look. [RINGS]
You looked already. Come
on, you gotta get some rest.
Hart residence.
This is Althea Prinz,
Los Angeles Tribune.
We already got
two subscriptions.
Who is that?
Some dame with a phony
accent called Althea Prinz.
Yeah, she's a... A
gossip columnist.
She writes about
celebrities and scandals
and things like that.
Mr. Hart doesn't give
interviews to gossip columnists.
I am a society reporter.
Now, I insist you put
Mr. Hart on the wire.
It's about his wife.
She says it's about Mrs. H.
This is Jonathan Hart.
What do you have on my wife?
Nothing as yet, Mr. Hart.
But I'd like to have
an exclusive on
Jennifer's disappearance.
What disappearance?
The one I heard about
from my contacts downtown.
Oh, and I thought I had
friends in the police department.
Well, Ms. Prinz, let's just say
that Jennifer's disappearance
was, um, let's... Let's
call it "lost in action."
The police are doing everything
they can to keep this quiet.
I'm sure that you
will cooperate.
It will make a big difference
as far as Jennifer is concerned.
You understand? Of course.
I have no desire to interfere
with Mrs. Hart's safety.
But you must understand
the responsibility
of the journalist to the reader.
Surely you believe in
freedom of the press, Mr. Hart?
No comment.
Thank you very much, Ms. Prinz.
She isn't gonna
print the story, is she?
She's made her reputation
on destroying other people's.
I don't think she's
going to have
a sudden attack
of decency, do you?
What time is it, Max?
Don't worry. The
24 hours ain't up yet.
Did you deep-six the
van? Yeah. No problem.
What's the matter, Mrs. Benton?
Not up to your usual standards?
Not like the rich food Benton's
been feeding you with my money?
You should have seen the
slop they fed me in the slammer.
You'd be grateful
for what you got.
Go ahead, Dominique, eat.
For the twentieth time, I
told you I'm not Dominique.
Then who are ya?
I'm... I'm somebody else.
You got some ID to show
you're somebody else?
Well, of course I
don't have any ID.
I was bicycling, remember?
Uh-huh. Just like you
do every Saturday.
But pretending is
not gonna get you
out of this alive, Mrs. Benton.
Just like Marty Benkovich
pretending to be
respectable Martin Benton,
don't make him
any less of a slob.
You gonna eat this?
No.
Now, you just stay put, baby.
I'm gonna phone your old man
to let him know
that you're all right,
for the time being.
[PHONE RINGING]
Yeah?
BARNEY: Is this
Martin Benkovich?
Speakin'.
Hi, Marty. This is Barney.
Barney who?
"Barney who"?
Barney that took the rap
and did the time, wise guy.
Oh. That Barney.
Yeah, we got your
lovely wife here now.
I thought you'd
probably want her back
as soon as we've ironed out
the financial details
of this transaction.
You know, Barney, it seems
what little is left of your brain
is turning to watermelon.
Very cute, Marty. You
ready to talk business,
or, uh, shall I conclude
this transaction right now?
I'd be just as happy
to ring up a "no sale".
[♪♪♪]
I don't know what you're
carrying on about, pal.
My lovely wife's standing
right here next to me.
Don't try to con me,
Benkovich. It won't work this time!
Barney, look, she's
worth nothing to us dead.
Sit down!
Bet you'd like to
talk to your wife.
I've been talking
to her all night.
I think it's about time
maybe you spoke to her.
Do me a favor. Say
hi to this banana brain.
Hello, banana brain.
This is Dominique Benton.
Yeah, and this is the
president of the United States.
Well, it's been delightful
to talk to you, Jimmy.
But it sounds to me as if
you've had one too many peanut.
She's a real doll,
isn't she, Barney, pal?
To know her is to love her.
Too bad you'll never
have the pleasure.
Well, it's obviously a
case of mistaken identity.
What did I tell you?
Like I said. So I'll
just go on home.
You don't have to drive me.
I'll get a cab or walk.
No, no, wait. I-I can...
I-I can drop her, Barney.
You can drop her off a cliff.
She's not going anywhere.
He's got another
broad there with him.
The last time I fell
for one of his tricks,
I did three years.
This time, it's gonna
cost him 500 grand.
Well, it looks like, uh...
you're gonna be here
for a while, Dominique,
so, look, why don't ya just...
Sit down and...
I don't know. Eat...
Eat something.
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: "Wealthy
Industrialist's Wife Missing."
"Although the police were
reluctant to reveal the details,
a kidnapping has
not been excluded."
Althea Prinz's column.
Oh, you guys suck a
lot of water down there.
Aw, come on, Jonathan,
give me a break.
You're really hot down there.
Aw, come on, Jonathan.
I can't keep
everybody's mouth shut.
Let me ask you something.
Have you got a plan?
Do you have anything
going about this?
Uh, we... We have a plan.
In a manner of
speaking, we have a plan.
Look, Jonathan,
it's a kidnapping.
I mean, come on,
what are you gonna do?
You gotta wait for them to make
the first move, right?
When it comes to Jennifer,
I make the first move.
No, Jonathan, we
make the first moves
when it comes to Jennifer.
We're involved
now... Then make one.
Jonathan, I would do that
if you just try and trust me
a little while longer on this.
Would ya, please?
Come on, Jonathan.
God, I've known
you guys a long time.
I really care about Jennifer.
It's rough, I know.
I'm sorry too.
Not as sorry as we'll be if
anything happens to Mrs. H.
[♪♪♪]
Hi. Hi.
Look, I... I brought you some
food that you might like better.
That other stuff is...
Oh, well, thank you.
Here, let me help you.
Barney awake yet?
Barney? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
he called your name
just as you came in.
He wants his paper. Ah.
[♪♪♪]
You know, this broad
was telling the truth.
She's not Dominique. What?
Hey!
I believed her all along.
This could turn out even
better than we thought.
[DOOR CREAKING]
Hey, Dominique, come back!
Hey! Dominique, come back here!
Hey, kid!
Kid?
Listen, I really hate
to do this to you...
Hey. Hey, wait. Lady.
You're not gonna
understand... Wait.
Hey, wait. Lady.
This is an emergency.
You know what I mean? Lady, hey!
Hey, lady! You got no brakes!
[ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
JENNIFER: Ooh!
Oh!
I hope I know what I'm doing!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Excuse me! [HONKING]
[HONKING]
Ooh!
Whoa. Oh!
[EXHALES]
Oh.
They say the legs
are the first thing to go.
Oh, hey! Hey, hey!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Oh, great! Oh!
Oh, thanks for stopping.
I need to get to a telephone.
You know, you
finally convinced me.
We're gonna make a
bigger killing out of this
than we thought,
Mrs. Jennifer Hart.
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: Let's
run over it again, okay?
MAX: Sure, Mr. H.
Jennifer never had
any enemies, right?
Everybody's crazy about her.
She never hurt anybody,
or harmed anyone that I know of.
She even had me
throw out that fly swatter.
It's got to be money.
It's got to be kidnapping.
But why haven't they called?
It don't figure.
Unless, Max...
Unless what, Mr. H?
Unless they think that
she could be someone else.
Well, who can that be?
Big Bucks.
Yep, that's what
they're gonna ask for.
No, I don't mean that.
You remember when I
told ya I was in the park,
and I saw this
woman in a limousine?
The lady who looked
a little like Mrs. H?
She looked a lot like Mrs.
H. That's gotta be it. That's it.
You still got that
friend of yours
down at the Motor
Vehicle Bureau?
Yeah, the one who's
seen Star Wars 47 times.
Can you get her to run a license
plate for us between shows?
Sure.
Uh, what is it, the plate?
Big Bucks.
Nothing like
advertising, I always say.
BARNEY: My luck
was due to change.
Her old man's got a lot
more money than Marty, baby,
and he doesn't even
know who we are.
We play this one right,
we don't leave a trace.
What's your number,
Jennifer Hart?
Look, you gotta tell him.
How do I know you'll let me go?
You ain't got many choices.
You'll be safe.
I promise.
[♪♪♪]
Mr. Hart.
Thank you.
It's a possibility that
whoever kidnapped my wife...
could have been after yours.
Any idea who that might be?
You seem like a
nice fellow, Mr. Hart.
I'd like to help you out.
But I don't have a clue,
you know what I mean?
Martin,
perhaps Mr. Hart is
alluding to your friend.
Banana Brain.
Banana Brain?
Who's that?
That? Heh-heh.
That is no one.
He's a practical joker
I know, being cute.
Benton,
are you telling me that
somebody contacted you about this,
and you're considering
it to be a practical joke?
I ain't tellin' you nothing.
I mean, I don't know.
It's not a joke.
And I'm not laughing.
Look, Hart, you're disturbing
my concentration here.
Nelson.
Nelson.
When you stop laughing...
I'll be expecting
your phone call.
[♪♪♪]
MAX: Take it easy, Mr. H.
I'm right, Max.
I know I'm right,
but I just can't get
a rise out of them.
[RINGING]
Hello?
BARNEY: You want
to see your wife again,
you better listen.
Is Jennifer all right?
She won't be unless I have
half a million in my hands
by this time tomorrow.
Well, that won't be easy.
That takes time, you know.
From what I hear,
half a million is no
sweat for you, Mr. Hart.
You got 24 hours.
After that, all the money
in the world won't save her.
Let me speak to
Jennifer, please.
They got her, Mr. H.
Whatever we gonna do?
We'll give them the money.
Then we'll get Jennifer back.
Then I'll deal with them.
[PHONE RINGS]
Yeah?
Sure. Come on up.
Dominique?
Yeah.
She announced
herself at the gate.
I really do appreciate
your coming, Mrs. Benton.
I'm pretty desperate.
Oh, I'm sure I'll find some
way for you to repay me.
Is there something wrong?
It's amazing.
It's incredible,
the resemblance.
[CHUCKLES]
Sit down, please.
Thank you.
Can you tell me
anything about this call
from Banana Brain?
Well, he couldn't have
been a friend of Martin's.
Martin had a little
case of the frights
after it was over.
They had Jennifer, my wife?
Evidently.
Mr. Hart,
I think that
supposition of yours
about them taking her
instead of me is true.
That's why I agreed to
come here when you called.
Do you have any idea
why someone would
wanna kidnap you?
It must have something
to do with money.
But I really don't know.
You see, Martin never
discusses business with me.
If they did get the money...
would they kill her?
I did hear Martin say
that he didn't think...
she stood a chance
with those people.
And he oughta know.
He used to be one
of those people.
So you'd probably have a
better chance than anyone.
Oh, now, Mr. Hart.
I agreed to help you.
I did not agree to change
places with your wife.
That isn't what I had in mind.
If we could convince them
that they still have you
and they're still
dealing with Benton,
that you're their hostage,
then maybe my idea might work.
My, my.
You do like to play
with fire, don't you?
MAX: This plan is as full of
holes as a Nantucket fishnet.
Number one, how
do we get in touch
with the guys who got Mrs. H?
What's the matter, Max?
Don't you believe everything
you read in the paper?
Hello, Althea Prinz, please.
This is Jonathan Hart.
ALTHEA: Mr. Hart!
This is unexpected.
Yes, well, uh, I've been
thinking about what you said.
About my being so elusive?
And, uh, I want you to
know that I agree with you.
Absolutely.
And I thought we
could get together
and discuss it
at dinner tonight.
Tonight?
Let me check my calendar.
Oh, I've found I've had
a cancellation after all,
so it would be a pleasure.
Yes. I thought we could, uh,
go to L'Restaurant.
About 8:15 or 8:30?
Would that be convenient?
Eight-thirty?
Perfect.
Terrific.
Jennifer and I will
enjoy seeing you.
Jennifer? But... [♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: In here.
I think it's best if you wore
something of Jennifer's.
Those society editors
know everything she wore.
Take anything you like.
Lovely.
Which do you prefer?
Well, Jennifer looked
great in everything.
But, uh...
I am rather partial to that one.
Hmm.
The prince always
preferred me in black.
The prince? Yes.
My third husband.
He died before I
could divorce him.
I looked sensational
at the funeral.
The prince would
have loved the outfit.
What about Mr. Benton?
Martin? Oh, he
has horrible taste.
No, no. I mean, uh...
what do you think
that Mr. Benton
will think about, uh,
your helping me out?
He can be handled.
It's really fairly simple.
If he gets mad enough,
he'll do anything.
How do we get him mad enough?
Oh, that's easy.
I just stay here tonight.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Good evening, Ms. Prinz.
How are you?
Very well, thank you.
Please, call me Althea.
Everyone does.
Unless they're calling me
something else at the time.
You've, uh, met
my wife, Jennifer?
Fleetingly.
I'll call you Althea
until something
else occurs to me.
I thought it would
be a real good idea
if we all got together
and rectified a
few of the rumors.
I suppose you are going to
want a front page retraction
on my story on Jennifer's
mysterious disappearance.
That is exactly what I want.
My total credibility
as a journalist
will be shattered.
Well, I'm sure you'll be
able to sweep the pieces
under a rug.
Yes, a very small rug.
How are you, Mr. Hart?
Oh, good evening,
Paul, how are you?
Very well, thank you.
I think we'll have the
champagne tonight.
A '69. That'd be a perfect year.
Very good.
DOMINIQUE: Darling,
why don't you come
over a little closer?
If you don't start
acting friendlier,
Althea will think our
marriage is a little shaky.
There, isn't that better?
You see, Althea,
I love this dear man so much.
You can quote me if you like.
Now, Jennifer,
you two weren't having a
trial separation or anything?
Oh, no, no. Nothing like that.
That would be ridiculous.
Jennifer is the most...
wonderful woman in the world.
My life.
My wife.
Ah.
And?
And, um...
well, you're very special
and a perfect person.
And?
And I love you very much.
And?
Well, what more can I say?
Don't say.
Do.
I've just had the
most wonderful idea.
Why don't we get
married all over again?
Get married all over again?
Mm-hm.
Why?
Because this time,
I'd like to wear black.
I love it.
Yes, I thought you might.
All you Prinzes are alike.
[CHUCKLES]
[DOOR CLOSES]
We going somewhere?
BARNEY: Early in the morning,
I call her old man,
we pick up the bread, we split.
Um... Wh-what about her?
We finish with
her, she's finished.
[♪♪♪]
BARNEY: "Earlier, Mrs. Hart
had been erroneously named
"as a kidnap victim.
"But this reporter had
the pleasure last night
"of dining with
that divine woman
"and her handsome and
distinguished husband
and the Harts looked
as much in love as ever."
I don't like being played for
a fool, Mrs. Martin Benton.
MICK: Benton will still
pay a bundle for her.
Come on. Now, lady,
you're gonna get on
the phone to Benton,
and you're gonna make it good,
or you're as good as dead.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it, Mr. H.
Thanks.
Well, good morning. Sleep well?
Very, thank you.
Your guest house
is very comfortable.
Next time I have
a fight with Martin,
I'll know where to come.
You know, looking at
you, it's really amazing.
It seems like yesterday
never happened.
Sort of like last night.
Speaking of Martin,
you can tell him all about it.
Right about now.
Be on the phone
down there, will you?
All right, where is she?
I know she's here.
Relax, Benton.
Don't try to smooth me, Hart.
I could tell she had her
antenna up for you right away.
Easy, Martin.
Come on in and sit down.
We can talk this thing over.
I oughta let you have
one, you know that?
Sit down. Sit down.
All right, somebody tell
me what's goin' on here.
Look, they've
already got my wife.
Now, I'm gonna pay the ransom.
But I'm worried about
is what they might
do to her afterwards.
So what I'm thinking is,
if we could convince
them that it's your wife,
they won't mess with you, eh?
They won't mess
with Marty Benkovich.
I eat 'em up and
spit those guys out.
Exactly.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Martin.
The old neighborhood's showing.
She's right, Martin.
It is your neighborhood.
And you... You make the rules.
Hm.
Yes, I do make the rules. Yeah.
Excuse me, sir.
You have a call.
Yeah?
Hey, Marty, it's your old buddy.
You, uh, misplace
anything lately?
What timing.
It's Banana Brain.
I thought you
might have noticed.
Listen, big shot,
that cute little trick you
pulled trying to sucker me
into thinkin' I had
that Hart broad,
that's gonna cost
you an extra hundred.
So I'm gonna be
lookin' at 600,000.
Hey, clown, go chase yourself.
That little try at blackmail
just cost you the 100 grand.
Take it or leave it.
One hour.
T & L Wrecking, Grand and 23rd.
Deal's made. One hour.
T & L Wrecking, Grand and 23rd.
I saved you a little somethin'.
I'd have been willing
to pay anything.
Don't be silly. Once
you cave in, they got you.
You never see that lady again.
You got a great head
for figures, Mr. Benton.
Got a spot for me?
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: I'll get out here.
Watch and see that
everything goes smoothly.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Okay, Mr. Benkovich.
Come halfway toward
me, drop the bag,
then get going.
What about my wife?
I'm runnin' this show.
You'll get yours when
I'm good and ready.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Go get it.
It's all here.
Bring it in.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Banana Brain.
[GUNSHOT]
It's all over, big brother.
The hell it is.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Hey! What's going on?
Put me down! Get
me down from here!
Throw out your
gun and the money!
Jonathan!
Jonathan!
JONATHAN: Are you all right?
Uh-huh.
MARTY: Tsk, tsk, tsk.
You all right?
Mm-hm.
Be careful, you're
gonna get dirty.
You know what I mean?
Oh, Marty.
[♪♪♪]
Well, I guess one good
turn deserves another, huh?
I certainly have enjoyed
meeting your husband.
And you.
[MOUTHS] Oh.
It's really amazing.
Mm.
I don't believe
what I'm looking at.
You?
You're looking
at 20 years to life.
That's what you're lookin' at.
JENNIFER: I guess everybody
was really amazed how
much we looked alike.
Well, there is an
incredible resemblance.
I can tell you that.
Now, tell... Now...
tell me the truth.
Didn't you ever once
think that maybe it was me?
Well, uh...
there was one point.
When you kissed her?
Well, I had to kiss her
because I had to make it
look good in front of Althea.
Did she, uh?
Kiss like me?
To tell you the truth, darling, I
honestly don't remember, my...
My lips were next to hers,
but my heart was
always with you.
Aw.
What a lovely thing to say.
Thanks.
You're absolutely sure
she didn't kiss
anything like me.
Honestly, darling, I...
I really don't remember.
Try.
Mm-hm.
Yeah. What?
There is a similarity. Really?
Let me try once more.
Mm.
It's the physiognomy.
Jonathan, this sounds
like we're in a biology class.
And there's only one
way to get out of that.
How?
Jonathan.
Advanced studies.
[♪♪♪]