Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 2, Episode 15 - Getting Aweigh with Murder - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: This is
my boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H.

She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,
'cause when they met,

it was murder.



[♪♪♪]

[WHIMPERS]

[♪♪♪]

MAN: We commit to the
deep the body of our purser,

Richard Handy.

Let us weep no more
for the silent dead.

His pains are past...
his sorrows ended.

[SPLASH]

My, uh, first burial
at sea, you know.

It's an old Navy
tradition, doctor.

And today it served
a useful purpose.

Hm.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Jonathan. Jennifer.



Laurance.

Good to see you.

Laurance, how are you?

Very well. It's not every day

the chairman of the board
come to pay us a visit.

This better be good.

Well, I assure you,

I would not have
interrupted your vacation

if the problem was
not a serious one.

Laurance, is it customary
to have all that money

lying around like that?

Well, my dear,
I'll tell you what.

You can help yourself.

It's not worth the
paper it's printed on.

Oh, not again?

Yep. I'm afraid the tab to date

is close to half a million.

You know, that's
really very good.

Oh, yes. They use
photo engraving.

The real thing.

The only thing, the
ink and the paper,

it's a slight giveaway.

That's amazing.

It looks absolutely real to me.

I thought you told me
that you had somebody

working undercover on that ship.

Uh, what's the name of it? Uh...

The Dame Fortune.

As of yesterday, we
had a purser with us.

But it seems he
was buried at sea.

Nice and tidy.

I don't quite understand.

What does a ship
have to do with it?

It's a gambling ship. The
money was printed aboard.

JENNIFER: Why?

Well, we think the ruse was
they'd have a heavy winner,

and then they would
pocket the money.

And so as not to make the
owners of the line suspicious,

and also unhappy, they
would pay us off in phony cash.

Where is the Dame
Fortune tied up?

Oh, no.

Here in Nassau.

She sails at 5.

You... You have
something in mind?

Well, not at the moment,

but, uh, we have all
afternoon to think of something,

don't we, darling?

[MOCK CHUCKLES]

My dear friends, please.

You be very careful.

The ocean out
there is very deep...

and very cold.

[♪♪♪]

[HORN BLOWS]

Sir Charles, how
nice to see you.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you, captain.

Thought I'd, uh,
try my luck again.

Well, I hope it's not as
good as last time, hm?

[CHUCKLES]

Hi. I'm Mr. Maximillian
from Las Vegas.

Oh, well, you should
feel right at home here.

I don't know. I've never
been to a crap game before

that really floated.

Steward, help Mr. Maximillian

with his luggage, will you?

Pleasant cruise.

Thank you.

Doctor, don't look now,

but your favorite
passenger is back.

Hello, Kurt.

Heather.

Hm. Another voyage.

Now, too much salt
air is bad for your lungs.

Then I'll have to spend

more time belowdecks.

[CHUCKLES]

Perhaps another time, Heather.

Something just came
up I have to take care of.

Excuse me.

My lady, allow me,
please, to welcome you.

My name is Dr. Kurt LeGrand.

I am the ship's physician.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]
Countess Sofia Federkiewicz.

A deep pleasure, countess.

So, this is your first
visit to the Bahamas?

Yes.

Well, perhaps you would join me

for a cool drink before dinner.

Perhaps.

Uh, steward?

[♪♪♪]

I look forward to this evening.

Thank you.

Steward.

Yes, sir.

You're new, aren't you?

Yes, sir. I signed on today.

Well, please, be sure
to show the countess

every courtesy.

Until later, my lady.

Later.

[BARKS]

[HORN BLOWS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yes?

MAN: Longwood.

Come in, Sir Charles.

Yes, come in.
You're just in time

to see Kurt's
latest masterpiece.

What now?

Oh, nothing new.

He's just refined
the original work.

Yes, it's very nice.

Would you mind if I
keep this as a souvenir?

Souvenir?

That has a note
of finality about it.

Yes. This is my final trip.

Oh, family fortune's
taken a turn for the better?

[CHUCKLES] Well, I...

I admit, I was a bit,
uh, down on my luck

when you offered
me this position.

Position.

Why don't you come off

that phony aristocratic rubbish.

You're nothing but a shill.

I beg your pardon.
You cheat at cards,

roulette, the crap table...

Or to be fair, we let you cheat.

And then you take all
that nice, dishonest money

to our Swiss account.

And for that, you are
very well rewarded.

[SIGHS]

Well, look, look. I'm
not unappreciative,

but, uh... I just
didn't bargain for...

Murder, Sir Charles?

Believe me, I am deeply grieved

at the passing of our purser...

but he left us no alternative.

All right, all right.

But this must be my last trip.

I-I-I just haven't the
stomach for this, uh...

This other business.

I do wish you would
reconsider, Charlie.

And things are going
very well for us right now.

I shall make the drop in
Switzerland one more time.

As a gentleman, I shall
honor my final commitment.

See you in the casino.

[♪♪♪]

It's too bad.

I rather liked him.

Yes, yes. So did I.

But he's absolutely right.

He hasn't got the stomach
for it, poor chap. Mm.

Doctor, why don't you
prescribe something to, um,

relieve his... pain.

[CRACKS]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, steward.

You look beautiful.

Room service
was never like this.

Oh, yeah? You can call
me anytime you want me.

[CHUCKLES] I will, I will.

Did you find out anything?

I've been so busy
being a steward,

I haven't had a free moment.

Well, I made contact
with the doctor,

and I'm working my
way up to the captain.

Uh, do me a favor. Mm?

Don't work too hard.

[CHUCKLES]

Darling, aren't these
passports a little obvious?

Maybe we should put
them someplace out of sight.

Yeah, all right. How about here?

Perfect. I've got to go.

Wait a minute.

Aren't I gonna get to see you?

Oh, yeah. I'll sneak in
tonight and give you a little kiss

before you go to bed. Oh.

Hm? Mwah.

But right now

Mrs. Goodrich wants
her mattress turned.

Mrs. Goodrich?

Yeah.

She's a real heavy tipper.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Another glass for
Sir Charles, please.

[CROUPIER SPEAKING FRENCH]

Bonjour. Place all bets.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Bonjour. Place all bets.

[CHATTER]

Place all bets.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[ROULETTE BALL ROLLS]

Trente-six.

Thank you.

Good evening, Sir Charles.

You seem to be having
a good run this evening.

Yes, I can't complain.

And Mr. Maximillian,
how's it going with you?

I can complain.

I'm not doing nearly as
well as Sir Charles here.

[♪♪♪]

It's 7:30, in case
you're interested.

I couldn't help
admiring your watch.

[ROULETTE BALL ROLLING]

Uh, bonne chance, uh, gentlemen.

And ladies.

JONATHAN: Aren't you going
a little too far with the doctor?

Me? Mm.

The doctor's going far
enough for both of us.

Every time I look at him,
he's taking your pulse.

Do I detect a little
twinge of jealousy?

Forgive lowly steward

for falling
hopelessly in love...

with a beautiful countess.

Oh, please.

MAN: Ah, countess.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]
Uh, thank you, steward.

[FIREWORKS BOOMING]

Fantastic, isn't it?

Ah, yes. Beautiful.

Only the Italians could
create such beauty.

Italians?

No, no, no. Chinese.

[GRUNTS]

Is something wrong?

[GASPING] No, no, no, no.

No, nothing's...

No, no, it... It
was the Italians.

Chinese.

A little wager, hm?

Um... Ah.

Fifty dollars against
a... A kiss, huh?

Just a little kiss, hm?

And, uh, you shall hold the bet.

[GIGGLES]

Steward...

Sir?

The fireworks.

To, uh, whom do
we owe the honor?

I think they're included
in the passage.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no. Who invented them?

The... The Chinese
or the Italians?

I think that, uh, Marco Polo

brought them over,
sir, from China...

along with the spaghetti.

Ah. Ah-ha-ha, you see?

Signore Polo, an Italian.

[LAUGHS] So we're both right.

[GIGGLES]

[GROANING]

[♪♪♪]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

He seem to be dead drunk.

He's more than drunk.

He's dead.

[♪♪♪]

It appears that he
died of a heart attack.

Sir Charles has not been
in the best of health recently.

I suggest that we go inside.

Perhaps a... A
glass of champagne

will serve to
lighten the evening.

Perhaps.

Oh, steward...

Please to take my little Dushka

back to the cabin.

Thank you, countess.

[♪♪♪]

Let's see, Freeway.

If it comes off, it's real.

If it doesn't, it's a phony.

That bill is as phony
as the countess.

[BARKING]

[CHATTER]

[PIANO PLAYS]

And we both have...

Where did your family settle?

For the most part, in Spain.

I myself was raised,
for the most part,

in a villa very near to Madrid.

Ah, sunny Spain.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Anybody mind if I smoke?

What a beautiful
case, Mr. Maximillian.

Thanks.

Frank gave it to me.

Frank?

Yeah, you know.
Little Ol' Blue Eyes.

Uh, countess,

I asked you if you like
the flamenco guitar.

Oh, forgive me, captain.

I was thinking...
about my family.

All the beautiful
things that were lost

by my family.

Ah, but... they were able

to take one thing.

The czar gave to
my great grandmother

this.

Exquisite. You know,

I've seen one
just like that. Um...

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Uh, captain, please.

Where's Edmund tonight?

Edmund is ill, sir.

I'm sure he'll be
seeing you soon.

I'm Jack.

What's Jack short for? John?

Jack, madam,

is short for jack-of-all-trades.

[ALL LAUGH]

Countess...

the view from the
captain's bridge

is very impressive.

Oh.

It's also very private.

And perhaps, after dinner,

you would join me
up there... Oh, you...!

I'm terribly sorry.

Excuse me.

Uh, ground pepper?

No.

Ma'am?

No.

Let me get that for you, sir.

Thanks, Jack.

Ah... w-waiter?

Waiter, would you be so kind

to get my napkin?

There's another thing, countess.

No cruise in the Caribbean

is truly complete

until you've had
a long starlit walk

on the promenade.

WOMAN: Do you live in
Las Vegas all the time?

MAX: Yeah. Except when
I'm in Atlantic City, dear.

[♪♪♪]

Doctor.

[PEOPLE GASPING]

Doctor, control yourself.

[♪♪♪]

Champagne, countess?

Oh. Thank you, Jack.

Mr. Maximillian?

Thanks, Jack. I'll have some.

Sir.

You know, if you
really get good at this,

we'll be able to
use you at home.

[CHUCKLES]

[NORMAL VOICE] My, my, Jack.

We certainly have moved up
in the world fast, haven't we?

Thank you, madam,

for inquiring of
Edmund's health.

He's doing just fine.

[WITH ACCENT] Excellent.

Believe me,

Edmund's illness cost me plenty.

I felt like giving him that
phony 50 Sir Charles gave you.

[NORMAL VOICE] Do
you think Sir Charles

was in this from very
beginning? Yes, I do.

And I think he'll get the same
treatment that the purser did.

Um, come to think of it...

since you're so
chummy with the doctor,

do you think you could
get the key to the infirmary?

Do you want me
to pick his pocket?

I would prefer if you didn't
get that close to him. Oh.

What's this with the infirmary?

JONATHAN: The police
report that Laurance gave me

mentioned traces of oil
of wintergreen in the ink.

[WITH ACCENT] Thank you, Jack.

I'm off.

Mr. Maximillian.

Listen, countess,
I'm shoving off.

I feel a hot roll coming up.

Mr. Maximillian.

Oh, doctor.

I'm sorry.

Duties of the ship's physician.

[CHUCKLES]

JENNIFER: And am
I one of your duties?

No. For you, I'll
be the patient.

[LAUGHS]

Oh. Oh!

[DOCTOR CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

No, no, no. It is
no problem at all.

After all, it is I who
spilled the champagne.

But white wine
doesn't stain, countess.

But it will not help the
appearance of your jacket.

Well, frankly, a little stain

is worth an invitation
to your cabin.

[LAUGHS]

Come, come, come, take it off.

Gladly.

Now, please to make
yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

[GASPS]

DOCTOR: Anything wrong?

No, no, no.

[LAUGHS] The water is very cold.

One minute.

[WHISPERING] What
are you doing here?

[MOUTHS] Key.

[SIGHS]

How are you doing?

Excellent well!

Will only be one moment!

[NORMAL VOICE]
Jonathan... What's that?

I was, uh, singing.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

♪ Johnny-thin, Johnny... ♪

Beautiful song.

[MOUTHS INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHS] Ah.

There we are. All ready.

Ah, good.

So now it's perfect again.

It's very nice.

Very good.

Countess, such a
beautiful woman.

[JENNIFER CHUCKLES]

Ahh! Everything
about you is so exciting.

We only have a few days.

[GASPS] We shouldn't waste time.

Ahh!

Wha... W-what happened?

My back.

Your back?

Oh!

It's in spasm.

Spasm? Uh-huh.

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING] Easy, easy, easy.

This happened before.

I must go to bed.

Oh, that's exactly what
I prescribe, countess.

Alone.

I must go to bed alone.

Wet heat is the
very best thing for it.

A nice, long hot shower.

Yes.

No!

Oh, wait!

[GASPS]

[WATER RUSHING]

Oh! Doctor's orders.

And a deep massage.

Come on, off with your clothes.

No, no, please, I
have my own remedy.

Please. I must be left alone.

I will rest.

No visitors. Absolutely none.

Are you sure you think that's
what's best for you, countess?

[SIGHS]

You are so kind.

Call me in the morning.

I will.

I'll... I'll call you
in the morning.

[GROANS]

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

[♪♪♪]

Jonathan?!

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[CHATTER]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Where have you been?

The countess.

Short visit.

She wasn't feeling very
well, so she retired early.

Why?

Because I have
more than a gut feeling

she's no countess.

[CHUCKLES]

How did you make that diagnosis?

Raised in Madrid,

yet she didn't speak
one word of Spanish.

What's that supposed to mean?

[SCOFFS]

My cigar case.

Mr. Maximillian, what's wrong?

My cigar case is gone.

But you had it at dinner.
I remember seeing it.

That's right. And
then after dinner...

You were on deck
with the countess.

That's right, I remember
showing it to the countess.

And then...

Gee, that's the
last I saw of it.

Well, don't worry,
Mr. Maximillian.

I shall attend to
this personally.

Thanks, captain,
I appreciate it.

[♪♪♪]

Looks as if your countess

has made a miraculous recovery.

Come on.

[BARKS]

Shh.

Shh, shh. [WHIMPERS]

This is silly.

I think you're overreacting.

Leave my character analysis

to my psychiatrist.

[BARKS]

Shh. Shh.

[WHIMPERS]

I think your countess

has taken up cigar smoking.

[SIGHS]

Doesn't, uh, necessarily
mean anything.

I mean, she could have
found it on a table, uh...

Three passports.

She is insecure.

[♪♪♪]

It's me.

Where have you been?

Mrs. Goodrich.

Mrs. Goodrich?

She couldn't go to sleep
until she had her warm milk.

Oh.

Did you find anything?

Yes. Look at this.

Does it feel familiar?

It's the same.

And look at that.

It's the same size.

There's something else.

Smell.

Wintergreen. Mm-hm.

I think we struck ink.

That means the press
must be here someplace, too.

Well, the only thing big enough

is the examination table.

You try any of these switches?

No.

[♪♪♪]

Well.

Kurt certainly was
expanding his practice.

JONATHAN: But the
engraving plates are missing.

Darling... we ought
to get out of here.

You're right.

I thought you wanted
to find the countess.

We'll find her soon. I need
something to settle my stomach.

There's something
in the infirmary.

You better go into your act.

Uh... Uh.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]
Oh. Let go of me!

No, let me alone!

Oh, no!

[GRUNTS]

CAPTAIN: What's going on here?

Oh, Kurt!

Oh, Kurt.

Thank heaven you come along.

Steward was going
to call doctor for me.

When we arrive here, he
began to make overtures.

What would I do
had not you arrived?

Oh, dear.

How did you get in?

The key was in the door, sir.

It's on the desk.

Doctor, the infirmary is
to be locked at all times.

You know that.

As for you, steward,
you're on report.

I'll deal with you later.

What would have happened
had you not come along?

A fortunate
coincidence, countess.

We were about to
invite you for a drink.

Oh, captain.

Thank you very much, but I
feel I would be much better

if I go to my cabin...

CAPTAIN: You don't understand.

It's time we had a long chat.

In Spanish.

Comprende?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

You grew up in Madrid,

yet you didn't habla
one word to me.

[SCOFFS]

I was not understanding your...

limey accent.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

M... I don't know what she
said, but it sounded pretty good.

That's very good, countess.

Gracias.

Now... it is late.

Will you excuse me?

You still have time, countess.

Where did you get that?

More important,
where did you get it?

I told you.

This to my grandmother
was given by the czar.

Oh, and did the czar get it

from Mondale Jewelers
in Beverly Hills?

Ah! The face was cracked.
I had it repaired there.

How dare you
break into my cabin.

I will report this to the
owner of this vessel.

CAPTAIN: When
you visit the owner,

I am sure he would
appreciate a fine cigar.

Oh. I-I found this.

I was returning it.

CAPTAIN: And when did you intend

to return these?

Those are mine!

Kurt... you are believing
me, are you not?

CAPTAIN: Uh, which one
of you should he believe?

Muriel Crawford, USA.

Janine Gaillard, France.

Or, um, Brendita Sanchez, Spain?

I... I'm keeping
other identities

because Russian
agents always pursue me.

They're always after the
treasures of my family.

Russian agents, please.

More likely Interpol.

Interpol?

Why you say that word?

Because you're
nothing but a jewel thief!

Is that true?

You're not a countess, are you?

So... who are you really?

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

Mona Clarkson.

From... Brooklyn.

What are you gonna do now?

We are gonna return
this to Mr. Maximillian

and lock the rest in the safe.

And you, Mona, are
gonna be a good girl

for the rest of the cruise,

or we shall lock
you in the brig!

All right, all right, all right.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Come in.

Good morning.

Morning.

Had a thought.

Mr. Charles retired...

Why not replace him
with the countess?

Yeah.

I mean, Mona's a
consummate actress.

I had the same idea.

But she'd know too
much. It's far too risky.

Why?

We could blackmail her

into working for
us with the jewelry.

Oh, yes. It is possible.

All right.

CAPTAIN: But remember...

if she declines our offer,

she'll have to join the
purser and Sir Charles

in retirement.

Oh...

GOODRICH: You be sure
and give them a good walk.

Susie and Rosie like
to stretch their legs.

Steward.

Countess.

Oh, you are the countess.

Oh, I'm Mrs. Goodrich. Uh,
your neighbor down the hall.

Jack's told me a lot about you.

Really?

Cute as a bug, isn't he?

Adequate.

Well, this morning he was
late with my prairie oyster.

I mean, he can't expect
tips for his good looks alone.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, frankly...

I think he has a thing for me.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Oh. Mr. Maximillian.

Good morning, Mrs.
H... Uh, countess.

[CHUCKLES]

Charmed.

You were right, Mr. H.

Sir Charles has been
a break-the-bank winner

on every cruise.

He's probably the shill.

We've got to find
that engraving plate.

GOODRICH: Oh! I'd...

I'd like to finish this roll.

Take a shot of me
with Sonny and Rosie?

Of course, Mrs. Goodrich.

I want to get them to
the photography studio

before they close.

Photography studio?

I'll take them down
for you, Mrs. Goodrich.

Oh, thanks. That'd be swell.

I'll just stand in the
middle. That's my best side.

Smile and say, "dog yummies."

[♪♪♪]

[CLICKS]

CAPTAIN: Good evening, countess.

The doctor tells me
you're rather upset

about your recent loss.

Yeah.

I want my jewelry back.

Afraid that's impossible.

But perhaps I can
make it up to you.

Oh, yeah? How?

Well, as you know,
I'm not without influence

at the roulette table.

I think you should try
your luck at the wheel.

[LAUGHS]

May I escort you to
the gaming tables?

Sure.

Ah, Mr. Maximillian.

Oh. Hiya, countess.
How's it going?

Excellent well.

Hello, countess. Good evening.

MAN: Place all bets.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Place all bets.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Cinq. Blanc.

Oh, you must be
feeling very lucky tonight.

Ah, yes. I am betting the five.

It is how old is
my little Dushka.

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Voilà! Le numéro five!

Five!

[LAUGHS]

Pay five.

Madame.

Ah, no, no, no.

Uh, let it ride.

Hello, lady luck.

I'll take some of that.

Me too. [SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

I'm with you, countess.

MAN: Voilà.

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[BALL ROLLING]

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Mesdames et
messieurs, numéro cinq!

Wow! Wow!

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[SCREAMING]

Wow! That's six hits in a row!

You gotta have a system!

That's over $100,000!

Well, honey, you gonna go again?

Well, I...

Good gambler knows
when to quit, countess.

[DISAPPOINTED SIGHS]

Yes, well, I think I
quit while I am ahead.

ALL: Aww! [APPLAUSE]

Congrats!

Merci, madame.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

JENNIFER: Darling!

Look!

They not only took the bait,

hook, line and
sinker, but I won!

[CHUCKLES] That's terrific.

So you were their
shill, tonight, huh?

Well, not really.

This is sort of
payment for my jewelry.

I hate to tell you,
darling, but, uh,

the only thing you could buy
with this money is Boardwalk

and Park Place.

[♪♪♪]

This is counterfeit?

Counterfeit. It's
all counterfeit.

Well, why did they give
me counterfeit money?

Because I'm afraid
the party is over.

They're cashing in?

Yeah, they're settling
for your jewels.

And tomorrow, their
deposit is gonna be for real.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

We gotta find those plates.

[♪♪♪]

Jonathan?

Hi.

Hi.

How's the water?

It's pretty cold.

As a matter of fact,
everything is pretty cold.

Darling, you know
about photography.

Is that a view camera?

Yes, it is.

Could that be used
for copying things?

Yes, it could.

Copying?

You mean, like,
copying a $50 bill?

Yeah. Instead of putting
it onto a piece of film,

they could put it
onto a metal plate.

It's possible.

Let's see what we have here.

[CLICKS]

[CLICKING]

Is there something
covering the lens?

No, it's clear.

Well, something's blocking it.

[♪♪♪]

Merry Christmas.

We found them.

Now all we have to do is
have Max go into his act.

Come on.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Counte... Uh, Mona. How nice.

Hi, boys. How are ya?

What can we do for you, my dear?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Look, captain, uh...

I don't want you to
think I'm not appreciative

of your, uh, generous
compensation...

But... [LAUGHS] But...

well, there really
is one little piece

that really did belong to me.

It was my grandmother's.
She gave it to me, and, uh,

I'd really like to have it back.

I'm willing to pay for it.

Uh, which piece is that?

The watch. You remember.

Look, what's it worth to you,
a couple thousand bucks?

But it's worth a lot more to me.

Bucks?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I have all the dollars
I can use these days.

Uh, would you perhaps
have something more stable?

Uh, yeah. Well, I got
some Swiss Francs.

Oh, that sounds
more encouraging.

Here.

Oh, that will cover it.

Well... I'm glad that things

worked out so
well for all of us.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, uh, I hope you
didn't mind my little, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

deception.

[♪♪♪]

DOCTOR: What is in a title?

Yeah, what's in a title?

Hey, uh, maybe we
could, uh, get together,

like, in Nassau?

DOCTOR: Why not
tonight? For dinner.

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Ha. That'd be nice.

So...

Here you are, my
dear. It is a lovely piece.

Yeah. Thanks.

Well, it's sure been nice
doing business with ya.

My pleasure.

I'll see you later.

MAN: Place all bets.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Mr. Maximillian. What happened?

I kind of overdid
it at shuffleboard.

Bad luck.

But the pain in my ankle
and knee ain't nearly as bad

as the pain in my wallet.

Captain...

could you extend
me a little credit?

I'm very sorry. Ship's
policy, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Well, here's my last
chip, last chance.

Huit, s'il vous plaît.

Number eight. Oui, monsieur.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[BALL CLACKS]

Twenty four. Black and even.

[GROANING]

[CROWD GASPS, MURMURS]

[HYPERVENTILATING]

Good heavens. He's collapsed.

It might have been
a heart attack, sir.

Get him to the
infirmary right away.

I'll take him, sir.

It's all right, he's
in good hands.

Make way, there, please.

Captain... Captain. Hm?

I think this man has had
more than just a heart attack.

What? How do you know?

I served in the merchant
marine for 20 years, sir.

I had yellow fever. I saw
many of my mates die.

This man has the same symptoms.

Yellow fever. Yes, sir.

I don't think we should be
wheeling him down a hallway.

Most certainly not.

I think we should put
him in this cabin here, sir.

But that's my cabin.

Yes, sir. But I don't think
we should take any chances.

If this got out, the whole
ship would be quarantined.

He also, uh, shouldn't
be left alone, sir.

I'm immune.

Stay with him. I'll
fetch the doctor.

[♪♪♪]

I hope Mrs. H. Got
the numbers right.

Put the plates in
the bottom, Max.

Put the phony $50s on top.

Hey, you know something?

Real cash is real cushy.

Okay, it's back to
the death scene.

I ought to get
an Oscar for this.

This way, doctor.

Bet 100 on a nine!

You said he had
yellow fever, captain.

Steward!

You watch too much
medical rubbish on television!

Now, take Mr. Maximillian
to the infirmary!

Check him out, doctor.

I'll examine him there.

No, doc!

I don't wanna go
to the infirmary!

I just wanna sit
here in the chair!

Leave me alone!

Take him to his cabin!

Anywhere!

Maybe I should get
an Emmy as well.

[♪♪♪]

Roche.

CAPTAIN: Mr. Roche, how are you?

Good morning, captain.

Doctor.

Nice to see you,
Mr. Roche. Thank you.

Well, this is a
pleasant surprise.

I certainly didn't expect
the president of the bank

to collect the deposit.

Well, every once in a while

it's nice to come up
from behind a desk, huh?

Profitable voyage?

Fair, fair. Good.

Coffee, sir?

No, thank you.

I shall count, and
you check me tally.

More coffee for you, captain?

No, thank you.

Doctor?

Yes.

ROCHE: What...?

Something wrong?

Why, this is a forgery.

Forgery?

That's impossible.

ROCHE: I'm afraid
the whole bloody lot

is counterfeit, gentlemen.

I'm utterly shocked.

JONATHAN: I think
you'll have another

little surprise here, captain,
at the bottom of the bag.

How dare you, steward.

[♪♪♪]

ROCHE: These...
are yours, captain?

I don't understand.

How could this be?

ROCHE: Well, perhaps
you would like to discuss it

with the owner of the bank...

Mr. Jonathan Hart.

We've met, captain.

[DOOR OPENS]

I believe you also know my wife.

Mona?

Jennifer.

Jennifer.

Sit down, doctor.

I think your romance
has dropped anchor.

Captain... the printout
on your cardiogram

is not too promising.

To say nothing of the
color of your medicine.

ROCHE: Constable.

Good work, steward... countess.

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

Jonathan, watch out!

[CAPTAIN GRUNTS]

[SPLASH]

CAPTAIN: You haven't heard
the last of this, you steward!

Well...

I'd say the captain
is all washed up.

CAPTAIN: I'll get
you for this, Hart!

I'd say so.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

I sure am going to
miss you, countess.

Oh... If you don't
mind my saying so.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, no.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]
I don't mind at all.

That's very nice.

Uh, here is little token

of my appreciation.

Gee, thanks, countess.

And, uh... do svidanya.

[LAUGHS]

Do svidanya.

[CHUCKLES]

What was that all about?

Oh, that was Danny.

Danny? Mm-hm.

What is he, a stowaway?

Oh, darling.

When you were giving
Miss Goodrich her warm milk,

Danny was bringing
me my hot buttered rum.

He's the night shift.

I thought I was the night shift.

Oh. Well, you
are the night shift.

And the day shift.

And the swing shift.

Mm.

[♪♪♪]

[BARKS]

Well... She must be some tipper.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]