Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 2, Episode 14 - Solid Gold Murder - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: This is
my boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,
'cause when they met,

it was murder.

[♪♪♪]



[WHIMPERS]

JONATHAN: Darling, you want

a croissant or a brioche?

Oh. That's no fair!

Vince Nucona's
regimen is hard enough

without you tempting
me with dreaded carbos.

It is hard, but it's fair.

You remember Vince's slogan?

"No pain... BOTH: "No gain."

Oh, dear.

[EXHALES]

Oh, you really know
how to kick up your heels.

Uh. Thanks. You don't
know what you're missing.

Mm. I do know what I'm missing.



And I intend to
keep on missing it.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm all for keeping
the old bod in shape.

But I had another
exercise in mind.

One we could do
daily... and do together.

Uh-huh. Know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

Well, I don't wanna
be a spoilsport...

but Max and Vince

are returning from London...

at the airport in 40 minutes.

And, if you remember,

you promised to pick them up.

Okay. I'll take a cold shower...

and slip into something
uncomfortable.

Do that. See you.

[EXHALES]

[BARKS]

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Would
passenger Harrison please report

to the information counter?

Save your film.

I'm not Charles Atlas.

[ALL LAUGH]

But I am the guy who has

the pleasure to introduce

the man who's won
more bodybuilding titles

than anyone in the
history of the sport:

Vince Nucona.

[♪♪♪]

Thank you, Uncle Max.

Look at Max. He's
beaming with pride.

Well, you know, he thinks
of him as his adopted kid.

Some kid.

And thank you,
members of the press,

for your special interest

in the Vince Nucona
bodybuilding team.

How was your
team's English tour?

It was the most gratifying event

of my entire career.

Every exhibition was packed.

As a matter of fact,

let me show you
one of the reasons.

The spectacular
Miss Samantha Sisko.

[♪♪♪]

[APPLAUSE, CAMERAS CLICKING]

He sure knows how
to put on a show.

Yeah, Vince is no dumbbell,
if you know what I mean.

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]:
Passengers for flight 330

please report
immediately at gate 5?

She's amazingly... taut.

Self-taut.

When's the grand
opening of your gym?

Sunday. But I want to stress
that it's more than just a gym.

The Nucona Body Center

is the ultimate health
center of tomorrow.

What will some of your
exclusive features be?

The gym will be
open 24 hours a day.

The doors will never close.

And you're all invited

to a special
black-tie charity affair

this Sunday to see the
facility for yourselves.

It'll be the most
exciting exhibition

of bodybuilding ever held.

And thank you all
very much for coming.

Good luck. [MURMURING]

[♪♪♪]

Take a look at the man

with the patch over his eye.

You think he's the
Hathaway Shirt Man?

Look a little closer.

Normally, reporters
carry a pad and a pencil.

He's carrying a Smith & Wesson.

Thank you.

Thanks very much for coming.

Thank you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, Jonathan. Jennifer. Hi.

Vince, you look real good.

Congratulations, Uncle Max.

Samantha, I'd like you to meet

two of the kindest
people in the world:

Jonathan and Jennifer Hart.

How do you do? How are you?

It's nice to meet you.

How about the luggage
and the equipment?

Two of the guys from
the gym will pick it up later.

Including the barbell.

Well... how do I look?

Oh, you look... very healthy.

I'll tell you the truth,
Mr. and Mrs. H,

I've been on Vince's
program for, what, two weeks?

Oh, it's a whole new you, Max.

Although, the old
one wasn't too bad.

Confidentially, even the
ladies look at me differently.

If you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

Definition.

Definitely definition.

Pretty good for two weeks, huh?

What do you say, Vince?

It's very good.

Sure. Let's get the car, Vince.

[CHUCKLES]

Wait till you get a load
of this, Mr. and Mrs. H.

A completely organic drink,

combining the natural
nectars of many fruits.

Oh.

You mean, there's,
um, nothing else in it?

Nonalcoholic, but
nevertheless delicious.

To your health.

JENNIFER: Oh, no, let's

drink to the Vince
Nucona Body Centers.

Oh, that's a good idea.
I'll drink to that. Here, here.

Tasty, huh?

Delicious.

You know, I was
Vince's dad's best friend.

And I promised
him before he died

I'd take care of him.

He was the scrawniest
little kid you ever saw.

He looked like
the "before" picture

on one of them
Charles Atlas ads.

You mean, you were
a 97-pound weakling?

Precisely.

I find that hard to believe.

Max did two
important things for me:

He bought me my
first set of weights,

and he taught me to
take pride in my work.

Ahh. You mind if I take
the keys to the gym?

I wanna take a sauna
if it's okay by you.

Sure.

[KEYS JANGLE]

Well, so long, everybody.

Well... you really
straightened him out.

You know, just when I think
I know everything about him,

he comes up with something new.

Yeah.

Well... here's to
Uncle Max. Oh, yes.

To Uncle Max.

Come on, darling.
It's good for you.

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLICKS]

There. There it is.

The red barbell.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, what's going on here?

Cool it, Snider.

Who the hell are you?

Right now that's not important.

Turn around!

Turn around. Go on.

That was my very
first sushi experience.

Really? I'll bet
you're hooked for life.

Well, I must say,

I'm much more at
peace with myself

after I've peered
into a quail egg

perched on top of a salmon roe.

[LAUGHS]

I'm proud to say that I
break training with the best.

SAMANTHA: Hey, I just realized

we're only a couple
blocks from the gym.

How about if I give you
a grand tour tonight?

Why not?

Sure. Why not?

[♪♪♪]

[CAR STARTS]

[LOCK CLICKS]

Oh! This is fantastic! Isn't it?

What a layout.

Oh-hoo.

Let me show you this.

Yeah, I'm glad you
like it, Jonathan.

I got an exercise for you.

Let me show you
this one down here.

[EXHALES]

Why does this remind me of
a medieval torture chamber?

Oh, this is the latest
ripple in equipment.

One secret deserves another.

I'm having a full set
installed for Jennifer

at the house as a surprise.

And that's how
this one works. Hm.

Oh. And here's the
men's sauna. Oh.

Go ahead and
open it. It's empty.

Okay.

[STEAM HISSING]

Max.

Jonathan!

Jonathan!

Max. Max!

[♪♪♪]

If I could stand up,
I'd weigh myself.

I must have lost five gallons.

Here, drink some of this.

Thanks.

Ah.

Never thought straight
water would taste so good.

Hey, look, Max...
try to think back.

And tell us everything you can
remember from the beginning.

Well, I heard a noise
in the main room.

I figured it was the
guys bringing the luggage

from the airport.

I was wrong.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

These men, what did they want?

They were schlepping
a big red barbell.

Pumping iron?

No. They were trying to
drag it out of the back door.

Why would somebody
want to steal a barbell?

How do you feel, Uncle Max?

Like a ballgame on a rainy day:

washed out.

Oh. Sure.

MAN: Hey, Vince?

Where do you want this?

That just come from the airport?

Right.

Put it upstairs.

We can rule out robbery.

I just checked my safe,
and there's nothing missing.

JONATHAN: According
to Max, there is.

He said they
stole a red barbell.

Well, the 300-pounder
just arrived,

and the
200-pounder... It's gone.

Rule robbery back in.

Yeah, but why would two
guys wanna break in here,

rough up Max and steal
a 200-pound barbell?

[♪♪♪]

What's engraved
on that barbell disk?

Says "100 pounds."

And that's exactly what
it says on the other side.

This is a 200-pound barbell.

I made it very clear I
wanted a 300-pound one.

You said get the red barbell.

That was the only
red barbell in the place.

Everything happened at once.

All of a sudden this
old guy... Shut up!

I examine your face, Reese.

I look at the dull
eyes, the thick nose,

the slackened mouth.

And I know that somewhere

underneath the
face of an idiot...

is the soul of an idiot.

You compounded matters

by stupidly leaving
a witness alive.

Let's not lose our heads.

Let's practice
a little patience.

I say we go back,

say, in a couple of
weeks, and snatch it.

You have forgotten
something very important.

What is it, Mr. Teppman?

Nucona's Body Center
will be open 24 hours a day.

It will always be filled

with customers and staff.

The day to move is tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Right after the
black-tie affair.

It'll make it so...
much more... festive.

[♪♪♪]

[PLAYING MID-TEMPO THEME]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Uh, darling, where was I?

What?

Where was I?

Oh, uh, you were
about to tell me

what the police said
about the stolen barbells.

Their sarcasm was about
as light as a pound of flesh.

You mean, they didn't
appreciate the connection

between the theft and
Max almost being killed?

They were unappreciative
to the point of genius.

Correct me if I'm wrong...

but you don't think this
thing is over yet, do you?

I wish I could
say yes, but, uh...

like the show,

I think things are just
beginning to get warmed up.

Get it?

Got it.

Good.

[GROUP PLAYING VILLAGE
PEOPLE'S "MACHO MAN"]

[APPLAUSE]

[GIGGLING] Oh.

My goodness.

This never happens in Pasadena.

All we have is a parade.

[MOUTHS] Thank you.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Samantha will never
need a can of mace.

[LAUGHS]

Just a bodyguard.

Looks like Vince has a fan.

Well, lookie here.

If it's not the international

phenomenon of bodybuilding.

Here's a 300-pound weight.

Take one more step, big fella,

and it'll look like you
bought your bellybutton

at a 2-for-1 sale.

First, pick up the barbell.

Very good, big Vince.

A lot of folks would assume

you muscle guys are a
little shortchanged upstairs.

We know that
ain't true, don't we?

I figure you for a smart guy...

if you do what you're told.

Now... there's a truck
under that window.

I want you to throw the
barbell through the window.

And make sure
your timing is perfect,

because I want a bull's-eye
in the bed of the truck.

[GRUNTING]

Through the window.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[APPLAUSE, MUSIC CONTINUES]

Come on.

Get on the floor.

Now start doing pushups.

That's it.

Now you keep doing them
if you wanna stay alive.

[CROWD SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]

Check on Vince.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Okay.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Go! Go! Go!

[CAR ZOOMING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GASPS]

It's the man from the airport.

Teppman.

Noel Teppman.

What did he say?

It was a name.

Noel Teppman.

[♪♪♪]

You know, I just don't get it.

First, Max is beaten up.

Then, a one-eyed man is killed.

And just to steal a barbell.

[GRUNTS]

Yeah. And a barbell so heavy

that not very many
people can lift it.

Vince, you carried that barbell

through customs, didn't you?

Yeah.

Do most bodybuilders
take their equipment

on tour with them?

As far as I know,

I'm the only person
that does that.

I guess you might call it

my personal good-luck charm.

Good-luck charm?

How about a rabbit's foot?

It's a lot lighter to carry.

You know, the first
barbell I ever had

was the one Uncle Max bought me.

That was when you
were a kid, right?

Yeah.

He and my Dad
got loaded one night,

and they painted
the barbell red.

And ever since then I've
been using red barbells.

So then it would
mean something to you,

but it wouldn't mean
anything to anybody else.

Exactly.

MAN: Hey, Vince!
Get a load of this.

What is it?

This barbell. It's bent.

Well, that's not exactly a first

in the annals of weightlifting.

Yeah, but it's bent
over here by the collar.

This barbell glitters.

You mean, there's gold
in them there barbells?

And all the time I thought
I was pumping iron.

All the time you thought
you were pumping iron...

you were pumping gold.

Solid gold.

[THEME FROM GOLDFINGER PLAYS]

[♪♪♪]

Here's the research
you wanted, Mr. H.

That gold robbery that happened

during Vince's English tour

got a little ink.

Oh, that's good to
hear, Max. Thanks.

"Daring gold robbery
nets two and a half million."

Well, either the gold
market's gone up since then...

or it is typical British
understatement.

Listen to this:

"Police baffled.

"Authorities intensify
border security.

"Scotland Yard
inspector sanguine.

'Gold will never
leave England.'"

He's probably collecting
his unemployment by now.

Look at this.

There it is.

The one-eyed man.

"Scotland Yard Inspector
Hillary is Optimistic."

That's the guy who was
killed outside Vince's.

Yeah. Yeah.

What a clever way to
smuggle gold out of the country.

Only something went wrong.

Correction.

Everything went wrong.

Starting with you.

You almost got killed, Max,

for a 100-pound
misunderstanding.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: The old guy was
in the gym that night.

Nucona gave him the barbell.

My barbell, that is.

Says here he works
for Jonathan Hart.

Then you stake
out the Harts' house.

When the opportunity
presents itself,

get it.

Right.

One question.

Do you gentlemen
have any quarrel

with the money I pay you?

No. Not at all.

You're more than generous.

More than generous?

Like I say... you're
more than generous.

But... if for some reason...

you make another mistake,

you'll still be amply rewarded.

But this time in a
much different way.

Your lives won't
be worth a thing.

[♪♪♪]

By the way...

if that Max fellow
gets in the way...

kill him.

And that goes for the Harts too.

Freeway...

don't even entertain
the idea, boy.

[WHINES]

Don't do it. Go on. [BARKS]

Freeway, don't be so cynical.

Three hundred
pounds of gold is worth

about $3 million.

You know, if we scrape
the red paint off the disks,

slipped them off the axle,

they'd make a pretty
nice pair of doorstops,

you know that?

A little ostentatious.

We're ready for the ceremony.

The glass case is finished.

Hey, it looks terrific, Vince.

The inscription and everything.

"Uncle Max, who made it
all happen." From Vince.

Perfect touch.

Well, that's very sweet, Vince,

but don't you think you're
overdoing it a little bit?

I mean, the thieves
are just gonna break in

and bust this whole thing up.

This is perfect.

It gives the... The
dignified place

that the barbell
so richly deserves.

Well, if you say so.

Also, those guys have very
destructive personalities.

It'll give them a feeling of,
uh, great accomplishment.

Mm-hm.

[♪♪♪]

Beautiful, Vince.

Beautiful.

Okay, thanks, Danny.

How about that?

Now what?

Now what?

Now... Vince...
Vince becomes me.

I don't know about this.

For one thing, I haven't
worn a suit and tie

since I was in college.

Another thing, Jonathan.

You and I have, well...

different dimensions.

Now, don't worry.
It's custom-tailored.

They'll fit your
dimensions perfectly.

And if the suit
fits... Charge it.

[♪♪♪]

There they go.

The old codger, Mrs.
Hart... Jonathan Hart.

He reads The
Wall Street Journal,

just like you'd expect.

All right, let's go.

I wish I had a chance to do
a little spring housecleaning.

I always like the
house to look its best

when the burglars
are about to drop in.

Just between you and me,

does Jonathan always
read the financial section?

Only if I get the
crossword puzzles first.

[GRUNTS]

Don't be gauche!

It's a masterpiece.

Good boy.

Use this.

Ah, that's good. That's good.

[GRUNTING]

Come on, will you?!

Let's get it in the truck!

[WHISTLES]

The '52 Brooklyn
Dodgers... autographed.

He couldn't have
taken the Giacometti.

[♪♪♪]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Well, if all went
according to plan,

Jonathan's in the truck.

Let's just hope he's
okay from here on in.

Let's just pray.

[♪♪♪]

VINCE: Where do you think
they're taking the barbell?

Noel Teppman.

Who's that?

Oh, it's a long story.

Well, I just love stories.

Okay.

To start with...

the man killed outside your gym

was a Scotland Yard inspector.

Before he died,

he whispered the
name Noel Teppman.

Jonathan checked it out,

and it goes way
back to World War II.

Noel Teppman was sort of a...

master criminal.

Kind of a genius
and a little crazy.

All he's interested in,

and all he ever steals, is gold.

The artifacts in his
possession are priceless.

And he's never gotten caught?

Not yet.

What a wonderful surprise.

I've always wanted
to meet Jonathan Hart.

Actually, I'm from the
Gideon Society. Uh...

I left one of my Bibles
in the c... [COCKS]

I'm not amused, Mr. Hart.

Keep on going.

To your right.

Finally got the right one.

Bring it inside.

Let's go.

Find a place to hide the car

and then call the police.

[GRUNTS]

Keep an eye out for
unwanted intruders.

Go.

I promise you, Mr. Hart...

you're gonna be surprised

and delighted. [DOOR CLOSES]

Surprised, perhaps,
delighted, I doubt.

Trust me.

About as far as I
could throw that barbell.

This way.

After you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

So far, I'm not enlightened.

Patience, Mr. Hart. Patience.

[THEME FROM GOLDFINGER PLAYS]

This is unbelievable.

Welcome to my own
private museum, Mr. Hart.

This is a Mixtec
gold chest piece

from the excavation
at Mont Albán in 1932.

Later, if there is time,

you and I shall
share some cognac,

and I'll tell you how I got it.

Well, that should be cozy.

You must have
some great stories.

Move down there.

That is my gold elephant.

Crafted centuries
ago on the Ivory Coast.

Exquisite.

In 1543, that bracelet

was given to
Francis I of France.

The king gasped in amazement.

He couldn't take his
eyes away from it.

[CHUCKLES]

I see it has precisely the
same effect on you, Mr. Hart.

That's the beauty of gold.

Down there, the gold
lion from Calcutta.

Pieces from the Ming Dynasty.

And, oh, one of my
favorites coming up.

A slender, solid-gold
Venus de Milo.

Isn't she lovely?

Forgive my, uh,
silence, but, uh...

Oh. I know.

Words fail you.

I'll go to the other side of
the truck and distract them.

Then you can do your number.

What is all of this worth?

I'm not a seller of gold.

What do I care
about a gold market?

I am a collector... an artist.

Well, if your interest in gold

is, uh, purely
aesthetics and artistic...

as you claim,

then why did you pull off
that gold robbery in London?

Oh. You know about that?

Gold bricks.

That's not very artistic.

An artist needs
supplies, Mr. Hart.

I sculpt in gold.

Let me show you something

that tops everything
you've seen so far.

These are my creations.

You did these?

Yes, Mr. Hart.

Napoleon...

Alexander...

Nero.

I call this series
"Men of Power."

It's worth millions. Oh.

It's interesting how quickly

artists speak of money.

What is that going to be?

That's a work in progress.

My... pièce de
résistance, if you will.

Part of your, uh, series
of "Men in Power"?

Now that I have the
gold from the barbell...

I can complete my statue.

Take a look at
this. Look at this.

Where did you get that?

From the Harts' house.

Hey, this is valuable. Yeah.

Autographed by the
'52 Brooklyn Dodgers.

Jackie Robinson, Carl Furillo,

Ralph Branca.

Remember Ralph Branca?

Ah, in 1952, I was
still playing with blocks.

[♪♪♪]

[WHISTLES]

Good work, Vince.

I'm almost ashamed of how
much pleasure that gave me.

Let's go in the
house, around back.

Isn't this sheer delight?

Yes. I must say that, uh...

I can't argue with you.

And yet I detect a sort of
disapproval on your part.

Perhaps you think
I'm demented. Insane.

Those are your words, not mine.

There is, uh, one thought

that does occur to me.

Yes?

Well, this, uh...
private museum...

is, uh, enjoyed, is worshipped

by one man... and only one man.

You share it with no one.

On the contrary, Mr. Hart.

If that was true, I
would be out of my mind.

Of course I share it.

I don't think I
quite understand.

Sometimes I'm
overcome by the desire

of showing my museum.

To see its effect on
people is wonderful.

Wonderful.

Occasionally, I show it off.

Then after my guests
have seen the museum...

I kill them.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Teppman...

how long do you expect
this fantasy to last?

Nothing lasts forever, Mr. Hart.

Least of all you.

You mean, uh...

you're canceling the cognac?

I mean, I'm canceling you.

[RATTLING]

[FIRING]

I got him, Jonathan.

Thanks, Vince. Let's go.

Darling...

Did I ever compliment
you on your perfect timing?

Yes. But never in public.

[♪♪♪]

Here's to the gold barbell
on its way back to England.

To become plain
old gold bricks again.

And all those gold
treasures are being returned

to their native countries.

The best part of it all
is that Noel Teppman's

gonna spend the
rest of his life in prison.

I'll drink to that.

Hey, I've got a great idea

for you Vince. What's that?

Well, while he's in
prison, you could set up

a weightlifting program for him.

Oh, yeah, that's great.

He could use some firming up.

He'll sure have the time.

[CHUCKLES] [DOOR CLOSES]

[CHUCKLES]

JONATHAN: Oh.

Ah, Max. Don't tell
me. I know what it is.

Muhammad Ali has
come out of retirement,

and you're his first opponent?

Max, the Great White Hopeless.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you guys know how
many calories there are

in that champagne?

But, Max. This is
a special occasion.

Let me give you a
professional tip, Max.

It's best to go easy at first.

Two miles is good.

Two miles! Who said
anything about two miles?

I'm up to two blocks.

[ALL LAUGHING]

What's to laugh at?

They're long blocks.

[BARKS]

Well, I can't be
lollygagging around.

I gotta pump some water.

The dishwasher's on the fritz.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]