Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 1, Episode 4 - Death in the Slow Lane - full transcript

When Jonathan buys Jennifer a gorgeous old car for her birthday, she is less than thrilled -- but two Brits seem suspiciously eager to take it off her hands.

This is my boss, Jonathan Hart.
A self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

What a terrific lady!

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of them, which ain't easy...

'cause their hobby is murder.

Are you sure you don't want me
to call the plumber, Mrs. H?

Are you kidding?

This is just the sort of thing
my mother would've fixed with a bobby pin.

But that ain't exactly
what you got in your hand.

Voil?. Music to my ears.

-Thank you.

And while you're in the mood...

I got a slight flicker on my TV set
and maybe a little--

First things first, Max.

Look, it's 8:10 in the morning here.

That means London is eight hours
ahead of us, so that's 4:10 in the afternoon.

I think I'll call Jonathan.

He's through with all his business meetings
by now.

I'll bet that he's in some smart shop
buying you your birthday present.

I can't wait to tell him
I fixed the kitchen sink.

A jewellery store in Mayfair,
or a fur salon in Knightsbridge.

Which do you think?

I think it doesn't really matter, Max.
It's the thought that counts.

I beg your pardon.

Well, he's gotten you everything
but the kitchen sink...

maybe he'll get you one now.

-Beautiful, isn't it?

Classic line, hand-rubbed body...

the fulfillment of every man's fantasy.

My fantasies run in a different direction.

But it is a terrific, terrific automobile.

Mason, what is that man doing?

It appears, my dear Louisa, that
he's thinking of purchasing the automobile.

-He can't.
-Just what I was thinking.

What if he's already bought it?

Then, I'm afraid he won't live long enough
to enjoy it.

Come along.

Go on. Step on up and get the feel of it.

Very comfortable, what?

It was made in America for King George V...

and has just arrived
back from the Moscow Art Show.

Introducing them to the joys of capitalism?

It is quite a bargain.

-Pounds or dollars?

Pounds. 40,000 of your American dollars.

I love it.

I adore it.

-I must have it, dear.
-Then I'll buy it for you.

Excuse me. How much are you asking?

I'm sorry, sir, but this gentleman
has just expressed an interest.

More than an interest.
I'm about ready to write a cheque.

May I inquire as to the amount?

-Why, that's outrageous.

Dollars, not pounds.

I'll offer you 22,500.

-Of course.






Your turn, sir.

I think not.

Obviously, this gentleman wants the car
very badly.

Well, it's not for me.
It's a birthday present for my wife.

Well, my compliments to her.
I'm sure she should love it.

Mason, you aren't
going to let this gentleman...

steal the car right out from under us,
are you?

Oh, no. At $80,000, I'm afraid, my dear,
that he is not the thief.

It's a shame
that they didn't make two of these.

-I hope you don't think I'm a heel.
-There's no danger of that. I know a heel.

This is a heel.

Please excuse her.
That's quite enough, my dear...

I'm afraid she is a bit of a sore loser.

-I can see that.
-Good day.

Why did you stop?

We were focusing far too much attention
on ourselves.

He's obviously a man of means.

He'll get the car into the States
far more easily than we could.

-Well, how will we find out where it's going?
-We'll ask the man who sold it to him.

We'll confirm delivery by telex,
which should be in about four weeks.

Here's my card,
in case you have any questions.

That is perfect.

That'll be just in time for my wife's birthday.
Thank you very much.

-A very fortunate woman.
-That's what I keep telling her.


May I ask, are you by any chance
in the rock 'n' roll industry?

Yes, I am.

-That door was supposed to be locked.
-It was.

This room is for employees only.
I'm afraid you'll have to leave.

I'm afraid we can't.

I want the name and address
of the man who just purchased the car.

That's quite impossible.

-It's in the tray on the desk.
-Thank you so much.

Louisa, would you see to it, please?

-Was it there?

-Pity about that.

He would've informed the police.

You know, California should be
very pleasant at this time of the year.

Do you suppose we should've stopped it?

Those weren't our orders.

Well, I hate to see those two just walk away.

Nobody figured on a third party
buying that car.

-Did you get his name?

-Jonathan Hart.
-We'll be dropping in on him.

I suppose that means
I go back to the States.

Right. Well, I'd better stay here,
tidy up a bit, keep a lid on things.

You can start
by removing that bug from the showroom.

-Done. Keep in touch.

What if Hart figures out what he's got?

I hope he doesn't. For his sake.

Come in.

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday, dear Mrs. H
Happy Birthday to you

Thank you both.

Isn't there usually something
to go along with that song?

Well, it's too early in the morning for a cake.

That's not exactly
what I was thinking of, Max.

Now that you mention it.

An invoice.

Jonathan, you gave me an invoice
for my birthday.

But it's the thought that counts.

You take the invoice,
and you exchange it for your present.


-On a dock in San Pedro.
-A dock?

I'd like to go with you...

but I got this board meeting
about the London merger.

Why a dock?

Because it is on a freighter.

If it's coming in on a freighter,
it's gotta be something big.

How big, darling?

-Can I help you, lady?

I came to pick this up.


Right. Sign right here, please.

I think this is it coming off now.

The keys are in it.

You know, you're really gonna look terrific
sitting in the gas line.

Well, he's done it to me again, Max.

It's just his way of showing
how much he loves you.


Just like when he bought me the pool table.

And when he bought me
the season tickets to the Rams.

Dumb. This is a dumb present.

-It must've cost a lot.
-That makes it even dumber.

-Do you know how to crank this up?

I hate to admit it, but I learned how to drive
on a car almost as old as this.


-It's a standard shift, ain't it?
-I think so.

-Good luck.
-Here goes.

-That's a terrific looking body.
-Yeah, the car's not bad either.

I don't believe it, I just don't believe it.

How do you think
Mr. H is gonna like sleeping alone, Max?

That is really something under there.

When's Jennifer
supposed to get home with it?

She should be here pretty soon.

-I can't wait to see that car.
-It's really something.

I really appreciate your coming over
to check out the Albany.

Hello? Hi, darling.

-How do you like your present?
-I love it.

Max loves it.

And the repairman would love it
if only he had a vacuum pump for it.

-It broke down?
-You guessed it.

Okay, I'll be right there.

No, a friendly tow-truck will deliver us
in about an hour. I'll see you then.

-Bye, darling.

-What took you so long with the tow truck?
-The driver didn't wanna go fast.

He said he was afraid
something that old would fall apart.

Are you mad?

No. I was mad, but I'm not mad any more.
I'm too tired to be mad.

Don't hold back.
Tell me how much you like it.

About as much
as Mrs. Lincoln liked the play.

-You kidding?
-No, not at all.

But it did give me a wonderful idea
for your next birthday present.

-I'm getting you a pearl necklace.

I get it.

-You think I bought it for myself.
-Well, how did you get that idea?

Jonathan, could you come here a second?

-You sure got that pump on there fast.
-I didn't get it on at all. It doesn't fit.

-These are all new parts.

The salesman told me in London
that it'd been completely renovated.

No, I mean, new.
Nothing on this car is more than a year old.

I don't understand.

Look, when one of these things is fixed up,
we always use original parts.

We re-drill them, re-grind them,
maybe do a little re-welding.

But we never use new parts.

-What you're saying is....
-That you have been taken, Mr. H.


How am I ever gonna make it up to you,

Never mind me.
Who's gonna make it up to you?

A certain salesman in London,
who's got a lot of explaining to do.

Give her a crank, Max.

Come on, Max, you can do better than that.

-Where's your zest, your enthusiasm, Max?
-I lost it when this car broke down.

-One more time, Max.

I called the showroom. It was closed.

With the change of time,
I'll call later tonight.

-Author! Author!

Well, now that it's running,
you ought to take her out and show her off.

Get her on the open road.

Don't you think
that's pushing our luck a little?

Say, you know, there's an old car rally
tomorrow, at Griffith Park.

-Why don't you come by?
-But this car's a fake.

Well, I won't tell if you won't.

Well, why not.

As long as you promise
to bring the tow truck.

Great. See you tomorrow.

-Bye-bye, Larry.
-Bye. Hey, Jonathan.

I'll show you how the magic works.

Mr. H, what magic?

The magic? He thinks that beautiful women
flock to these antique cars.

Mr. H, do you think that's true?

Beats me, but he thinks it is.

Mr. H, do you think Mrs. H would mind
if I took the car out for a little spin?

Just in the neighbourhood.
I mean, I wouldn't go too far or anything.

Sure, Max, be my guest.

Yes, Mason, this is it.

Parks and the woman have just arrived.

We were in Los Angeles
and we thought we'd just stop by.

So I could apologise
for my unforgivable behaviour.

It was the disappointment.


They really wanted the car.

-I'm sure you can understand that.

How did you feel
when your husband gave it to you?

-Well, I didn't quite have the words.
-She was thrilled.

Elated, ecstatic.

Those are nice words.
Not the right words, but nice words.

-I don't suppose you'd consider selling it?

-We would pay $100,000 for it.

I believe, that would provide you, Mr. Hart,
with a tidy $20,000 profit.

-It's really not up to me.
-You paid $80,000?

In the first place, it's Jennifer's car...

-and any decision would be up to her...
-I'd be delighted to sell.

...but she's only had it for a few hours.

So I'm sure you'd like to have some time
to think on it.

-Wouldn't you, darling?

-Sure, you would.
-Not at all.

-Yes, you would.
-Yes, I would. Yes, I would.

Well, do you know, I think
that we should leave you two to discuss it.

I mean, we're here for a few more days.

Plenty of time for you to make a decision,
Mrs. Hart.

I can promise you that Jennifer will give it
every thought, won't you, darling?

I certainly will.

Good. I'll give you a call in a couple of days.

Thank you.



I can assure you,
she'll give it every possible consideration.

-I do hope you decide to sell.
-So do I.

Thank you,
and forgive us for barging in like that.


We haven't got that much time.

Yes, I know.
She obviously wants to sell, and he doesn't.


Perhaps we have to make the decision
for them.

Jonathan, you spent a fortune.

Where you're concerned,
no expense is too much.

-But you spent too much.
-Now wait a second.

A few years ago, I had $1,200 to my name,
and an idea about transistors. Right?

-Well, now I've got a lot more dollars.

And my greatest pleasure
is spending them on you. Okay?


But why are you so stubborn about this car?

-Because he said he was an expert, right?

He said he and his lady
looked the car over, right?


Then why didn't this expert
spot the fact that the car was a fake?

Maybe he did.

Why would he offer $100,000 for it?

Maybe the salesman in London
would know the answer.


But they won't be open for seven hours.

What're we gonna do until then?


-I sent Max to the movies.
-A double feature?

Well, it's not so old.
As a matter of fact, it's a fake.

Well, that will be fine.
I'll look forward to hearing from you.

-Curiouser and curiouser.

The salesman's gone. The records are gone.

All that's left
is a very expensive automobile...

which Mr. Parks can't wait to buy.

I'm sure you'll figure it out, darling.

A vote of confidence.

I think he's raising his hand.

Hey, get away from that car.

-Get back!

Thanks, sweetheart.

-What do you think you're doing?
-I'm sorry, mister, I must've hit a wet spot.

-You were moving pretty fast.
-I said I was sorry.

Well, just take it easy on this road.



-That guy got away.

-He could've killed you.
-I'm fine. I'm okay.

It's that car.

It's that awful car, Jonathan.
It's like a curse.

-Don't think about it.
-"Don't think about it"?

I can't think about anything else.

Jonathan, you've got to get rid of it,
and now.

-I don't care what you do to it, Jonathan.

I don't care if you bomb it, or burn it.
Just get rid of that lethal lemon.

You'd do anything in the world for me,
wouldn't you?


I mean,
I would do anything in the world for you.

Why do I get the feeling I'm just about
to be sold the Brooklyn Bridge?

It's just that I wanna find out
why this car is in such demand.

Once I find that out, I'll get rid of it,
I promise you.


-Promise me again.
-I promise you. Okay?

-Because I warn you.

I look lousy in a black veil.

What did Lieutenant Moss have to say?

Well, he said he'd do what he can,
but not to expect too much.

How do I look?

Like something out of Currier and Ives.

-Do up the rest of my laces, will you?

Tell me once again
why we're doing all of this.

One is: I promised Larry.

And two is:
I always wanted to see you in a corset.

And three is:
I'll bet you $10 our London friends show up.

Really? What makes you so sure?

Like Ruth and Naomi
where we goest, they g'o.

-I assume you have a plan.
-Divide and conquer.

You mean, you go off with Mr. Parks, and I--

That's not the kind of division I had in mind.

Gaining information
through feminine wiles?

You read my mind.

Well, what if Mr. Parks
becomes more interested...

in my chassis than the Albany's?

Then you fend him off,
and call for replacements.

That's what you do.

What guarantee do I have
that Miss Louisa will do the same?

Because she'll be wearing
the same kind of armour as you.

-Just don't carry a can opener.
-Word of honor.

Hey, Hart.


That's my idea of happy motoring.

Look what's coming to town.

-Remember, divide and conquer.
-Just don't divide too far, darling.

-Isn't it a beautiful day?
-And isn't it a beautiful collection of cars?

Is one of them yours?

-We borrowed a 1914 Model T from a friend.
-Would you like to take a look at it?

I'd love to. I've been looking for one
to go with the Albany.

Well, we were hoping
it would replace the Albany.

Sorry, I haven't made up my mind yet.

Well, perhaps, while your husband
is looking at the Model T...

you and I could discuss it?


-Have a nice time, darling.
-Thank you.

-Would you like a glass of champagne?
-Thank you.

It is amazing,
the condition these cars are in.

You're in pretty good condition yourself.

Well, I have a few years to go
before I'm as old as this Model T.

May you spend them all in the driver's seat.

-Thank you for the thought.
-Mr. Hart.

-Please, call me Jonathan.

When my father was a young man,
he spent hours in the pouring rain.

He wanted to see King George V...

who was driving by in the Albany
which you now own.

If I had that car...

it would be like having part of my father
back again.

Can you understand that?

I'm all for the family staying together.

But like I said, it's up to my wife.

Well, she's a sensible woman.
I'm sure she'll listen to reason.

I mean, you're a sensible woman,
I'm sure you'll listen to reason.

Try me.

I mean,
I understand how you feel about the car.

It's not the car.

It's all the trouble Jonathan went through
to get it for me.

You see, he's always trying to find
something unique for me.

I'm afraid this time he outdid himself.

Well, to be quite frank,
I would've expected him to buy you...

something more intimate. Jewels. Furs.

I mean,
there's a lot you could get with $125,000.

It's amazing
how the price of the car keeps going up.

Until you hear the figure you like.

I couldn't do that to Jonathan.
He'd never forgive me.

Jonathan, may I come straight to the point?

Please do.

Obviously the money involved in the Albany
isn't any consideration for you.

So what if we traded for something
that money can't buy?

-Something priceless.
-Such as?


That is getting straight to the point.

Louisa, I'm a very happily married man.

Well, you'll still be married,
only much happier.

That is the nicest offer
I've had in a long time.

Well, then?

I'm sorry. You'll have to talk to my wife.

How'd you do?

Parks offered me $125,000.

-How'd you do?
-Louisa offered me Louisa.

-I turned Parks down.
-That's nice.

-I'm kidding.

They're stealing our car!

-Mason, hurry up.
-My dear, I'm hurrying. Give it more gas.

Well, do something.

Don't worry, they can't go anywhere.

They will as soon as they get it started.
Jonathan, do something.

Not without the distributor rotor, they won't.

-Oh my, the Harts have spotted us.
-Come on, let's get out of here.

-Jonathan, they're getting away.
-Oh no, they're not.


Let's go. We're gonna find out
what they want with this car.

Road hog!

Jonathan, is that champagne?

Yes, sweetheart,
but not a very good vintage.

-Get it back on the road.
-I think it's safer on the shoulder.

Faster, can't you get this thing
to go any faster?

We're lucky we're not rolling backwards.

-I guess it will do.
-Better than I'll do at 63.

-You know what the problem is?
-No, what?

This car was not designed to go uphill.

Darling, you're absolutely right. Pardon me.

Hi, sailor.

Say, do you know how to fix a tyre
on one of these things?

No, but I sure bet I'm gonna learn.

They blew it. Twice.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to
take matters into my own hands.

Yeah, I know the implications.
I don't think we have any choice.

We're running out of time.

Yes, I accept the responsibility.
I'll be in touch.

-Do you think they'll be back again?
-Beats me.

They gotta figure
that the police are looking for them.

-So maybe they left town.

They want that car.

Why? It's a fake, worthless.

The car is. Maybe something else isn't.

-For instance?
-Whatever's hidden in it.

-Like The French Connection?

Yeah, like The french Connection.

Max, that friend of yours
that has the garage--

Charlie Marshak?
The place with the after-hours crap game?

-Do you think he'd loan it to us for a while?
-Sure, if he ain't got a game tonight.

-Are we really gonna do this?
-What are you worrying about?

Well, if we can't put it back together again,
I'll never find out if Larry was right.

-About the magic.

-What's he talking about?
-I'll explain it to you later.

Shall we?

You are able to put it all back together,
aren't you?

-I hope so.
-But you said you were sure you could.

I thought that the instruction book
was in the trunk.

Yeah, but it wasn't.

He'll figure it out, Max. Won't you, darling?


As soon as I decide where to start.

While you're deciding, how about if I go out
to get some sandwiches?

-That's a great idea, Max.

Max, while you're out there...

why don't you get a book
on how to reassemble the car?

Mr. H.

Now, Max,
he was a child genius with erector sets.

Bring back some pastrami sandwiches.

-On rye?

Some soft drinks,
and whatever you think is good.

You know, maybe the instructions
are attached to one of these parts.

Well, let's look again.

-Well, now that's funny.

Look at this.

-That looks like the Greek alphabet.
-Yeah? So what?

That's a delta.

Look, there's another mark. Look at that.

-That's a theta.
-Where'd you learn that?

Well, you remember that piece I did
on Greco Roman architecture.

The masons
would carve the letters on the stones.

Two stones with the same letter
would fit together.

-What are you laughing about?
-You amaze me. You constantly amaze me.

With any luck, I always will.

Let's see if we can find
some more of these letters.


Here's one.

No, that's a theta. This is a delta.

That's a delta.

That's it. Look, it fits!

Yeah, and that tyre goes up there. Come on.


Now these little marks up on top,
there's a chi...

which is like an X.

An X.

-You got one on there?
-Got it.

All right, good.

Perfect. Now, the top one is a lambda.

It's like a V, upside down.


-Upside down.



How are you at jigsaw puzzles?

Not very good, unless I look at the picture.

Darling, the hood must fit right here.
It's got the right markings.

You think the Museum of Modern Art
would be interested in it?

It sure isn't any Rembrandt.

Why don't you try turning on the ignition?

Try the wheel.

Turn it back the other way.

Hello. Memorial Hospital,
Nurse Ames speaking.


Visiting hours will be over
in 15 minutes, please.

Memorial is halfway across town.

Trans West, 123, you're cleared
for landing on runway zero-niner.

The airport must be 25 miles from here.

Blackwall 78,
we'll have you cleared for takeoff.


-Hold your position.

The car salesman said that this car...

has been at the Moscow Art Show.

They put this thing together.


we're looking at the world's most advanced
bugging device.

Very good, Mr. Hart.

And just who are you?

Don't be upset. I'm on your side.


-You were the guy in that van last night.
-I couldn't let you catch Parks.

Who is he, a Soviet spy?

-Both of them.
-Then why didn't you arrest them?

We knew they'd done something to that car
in Moscow. We didn't know what.

They were converting it into this.

And we planned on letting them
get it back again...

and then seeing what they'd do with it.

And in the meantime, you let us
hang out there like a couple of pawns.

Harsh, but accurate.

If you'll give me a moment
to notify my superiors...

we'll get this whole matter settled.


how do we keep getting involved
in these things?



That's why we got married.

Maybe we ought to think about
growing old quietly.

-I'm afraid you won't be growing old at all.

It would've been so much easier
if you could've sold it to us.

I told you we should've taken their offer.

When you're right, sweetheart, you're right.

-What happened to the CIA man?
-Temporarily indisposed.

I suppose, when it's reassembled...

you're gonna take it on a tour
of our military installations?

You see, he's smart as well as pretty.
Such a shame.

Would you mind
moving away from the car, please?

Over there.






-Are you all right?
-Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine.
-Are you sure, you're all right?

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday, dear Jonathan

-It isn't my birthday.
-I know.

But I just thought
I'd get you something in advance.

Well, if you got me something in advance,
it must be something really great.

It is.

-Look at that.
-A fur coat.

You remember, when we were in Oslo...

and I saw these coats on the guys there?
How great they looked?

I would have never thought
of something like this for myself.

-This is beautiful.
-You're not serious.

Well, it's a little tight in the shoulders,
but I think with a fitting, it might be okay.

Jonathan, that's not for you.


I got it. It's for you.
You bought it for yourself, huh?

That's right.

If you're real nice to me,
I'll let you borrow it...

-Tuesdays and Thursdays--

I might even throw in Sundays.

Jonathan, you're doing it to me again.

-You know something?

That's all I think about.