Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 1, Episode 20 - Cruise at Your Own Risk - full transcript

This is my boss, Jonathan Hart.
A self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

What a terrific lady!

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of them, which ain't easy...

'cause their hobby is murder.

Yes?

Hi, darling.

Did I remember to thank you for starting
my Monday in such a lovely way?

-The pleasure was all mine.
-Ours.



-Have a nice day, sweetheart.
-You, too.

Good morning, Deanne.

-Have a nice weekend?
-Thank God you're smiling.

There's something I don't know,
but I'm about to hear, right?

Well, Mr. Johnson and Mr. Friesen
marched past me like the Doomsday Parade.

I mean, all they needed...

were black armbands
and a John Philip Sousa death march.

-I don't think he wrote one.
-Well, he should have.

-Good Morning, gentlemen.
-Good Morning, Mr. Hart.

Regarding the cruise ship Desiree...

one of three sister ships
of the Empire Lines...

acquired in 1978...

-along with the vineyards of the Chateau....
-Melleau.

Yes, Melleau.



The ships were refurbished to attract...

a luxury class of clientele of passengers,
and--

I appreciate your thoroughness, but could
you save that for the stockholders meeting...

and just tell me what's going on?

Well, I.... Sorry.

It's okay, Stanley. I'll get it.

-Go ahead.
-Right.

Remember the burglary on the sister ship
Josephine about a year ago?

Yes.

And you didn't want
a heavy insurance investigation?

Well, I thought it would be like hanging out
a sign, "Cruise at your own risk."

Well, the insurance people
weren't too happy about that.

And then you know about the other burglary
on the Marie-Louise six months ago?

Yeah, I caught that in your report.

That did it for the insurance guys.
They cancelled out flat.

Well, I don't blame them.
But we can't afford the publicity.

I don't think we can afford the losses
paying off these claims.

Are you saying that there's another burglary
on the Desiree?

I'm saying there's another burglary
on the Desiree.

How much?

A lot of money, $600,000.

$600,000?

What are we gonna do, Mr. Hart?
$600,000 is not chopped peanuts, you know.

Yes, I know, Stanley.

Where is the Desiree now?

The Desiree will be arriving
tomorrow morning in Puerto Viderdo.

-Puerto Vallarta, Stanley.
-Right. Puerto Viderdo.

Puerto Vallarta.

-Deanne.
-Yes, Mr. Hart.

-Could you come in a minute, please?
-Right away.

Puerto Vallarta.

-Puerto Vallarta.
-Perfect.

-Yes, sir?
-Deanne...

tomorrow, the cruise ship Desiree
hits Puerto Vallarta.

I want you to make a reservation for the
best cabin available under the name of...

Carter Chamberlain,
and his travelling companion.

And discreetly let it be known...

that Carter Chamberlain
is the last of the big spenders.

And, oh, yes, separately...

with no connection,
get another cabin for a...

Guido Dellafortuna, traveling alone.

Do you want Mr. Chamberlain's reservations
to be Mr. and Mrs.?

Not this time. I'll be taking my mistress.

What?

Not to worry, Stanley.

-Come in.
-Hi, Mrs. H.

What's he doing home?

He had a proposition for me.

At this hour?

Fresh from the garden, Mrs. H.

A thing of beauty, Max.

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever."
You can quote me.

Max, how is your Italian?

My lasagna is fabulous.
My ravioli, passable.

-But I got a sauce, à la Pizzaiola, that is--
-Max...

I mean the language.

You see, you're going on a cruise,
as that great Italian industrialist...

Guido Dellafortuna.

-Never heard of him.
-Neither has anybody else.

-Did you say a cruise?
-Yeah, I said a cruise.

-Like on a boat?
-Yes, like on a boat.

I'm not so thrilled about the water.

-Why not?
-It's deep.

-Max, it's as safe as your bathtub.
-Yeah.

Lots of accidents happen in the bathtub,
you know.

Will you hand me that case
on the front seat?

Here.

A little travelling companion for you,
darling.

Jonathan.

-Lovely, aren't they?
-They're magnificent.

There's more.

-Oh, my! They're unreal.
-As a matter of fact, they are.

-You mean they're--
-Fakes.

The best money can buy.

But it says "Cartier" on the clasp.

lrving Cartier, a true artist.

Well, I don't care if they are fake.
They're beautiful.

-What should I wear today?
-All of it.

-Isn't that a bit ostentatious?
-It pays to advertise.

Hello.

-Welcome aboard, sir.
-How you doing? Chamberlain's the name.

Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Chamberlain.
We were expecting you.

We have a lovely suite for you
on the promenade deck.

Fortunately, we had a stay over.
Otherwise we might have been fully booked.

Well, isn't that nice? I'm glad
to see that business is going so well.

Yes, indeed.
Mr. Brenner, would you get me P-16, please?

-This is Miss Ballou.
-How do you do?

How do you do?

You must be the Captain.

No, but I take care of the needs
of the passengers.

Well, you can bet we'll call on you,
if ever the need arises.

What a beautiful boat.
It's been years since I....

You have the most wonderful taste
with the beautiful women.

Permit me to introduce myself, signorina.

I am Signor Dellafortuna.

Oh, Signor Dellafortuna. Buon giorno.

When in Rome, you do as the Romans do.
But we ain't there.

So for me, please speak only the English.

Of course, sir. I understand.

Would you take care of Signor Dellafortuna?

Remember, Dellafortuna is the name.
fare l'amore is the game.

Isn't he cute?

Thank you.

-Now, here are the keys to your quarters.
-Thank you.

And the location of its wall safe.

Incidentally, the combination is changed
with each new arrival.

Of course, if you'd prefer,
we do have the purser's safe here.

I never lock away any of my valuables.

I like to keep them out
where I can admire them.

Honey.

I can appreciate your viewpoint.

I'd like you to meet
the recreation director for the ship.

Pamela.

-Excuse me.
-Sure.

Who also happens to be my wife.

-Darling, this is Mr. Carter Chamberlain.
-How do?

-And Miss Christine--
-Ballou.

How do you do?

It's a pleasure.
I hope you have a lovely voyage.

-Well, thank you.
-We're looking forward to it.

Anybody who knew what he was doing
could get into this safe.

Did you try the numbers
that Randall gave you?

Yeah, I tried those earlier.
They work perfectly.

You said it was an inside job. Maybe
they had the combination all the time.

Just trying to eliminate all the possibilities.

Can you check this out for me?

Yes, I can. Little light fingers.

-Jonathan.
-Just trying to keep my touch in shape.

What about the keys to the door?

Those keys can't be duplicated
because of the code numbers.

You have to have the right machines.

That leaves the window.

-The porthole.
-Oh, yes. The porthole.

I know they're supposed to be charming,
but they always remind me of a Laundromat.

I took a peek out of there a while ago.
That's about all you can do.

It's 30 feet up to the deck, even if you could
make it down to the window, porthole...

you'd have to be the thin man
to squeeze through.

What do you think?
Enough honey to attract the bees?

Who knows?
They may not be able to see the honey...

for the flowers.

That's the cutest thing
you ever said to me, sugar.

Well, shall we?

I suppose you noticed some of the icing
on Chamberlain's cupcake.

I didn't have my jeweller's glass,
but that bracelet...

it's got to be worth at least $50,000.
Wholesale.

Patrick, if you're thinking
what I know you're thinking, forget it.

Now we've made our quota.
One hit on each ship.

We said we weren't going to get greedy,
remember?

But, darling, it's you I'm thinking of.

Now, I don't like you
taking all those chances.

But if we could get enough...

maybe we wouldn't have to go back
to the Riviera circuit for years.

That's what you said when we were there.

Well, maybe a few good investments and
we can pitch the whole bloody business.

But we are going to need a bit more...

for a retirement fund.

What time is the second sitting, darling?
I'm starving.

-At 9:00.
-9:00?

Not a moment too soon.
I'm kind of hungry myself.

Don't look now,
but the Italian scallion just blew in.

Compliments of Mr. Granville.

Look at that, darling.
That's Dom Perignon 1963.

-That's very complimentary.
-Well, isn't that nice?

-Shall I pour it for you?
-No, I'll get it. Thank you.

That was very nice--

-Good evening.
-Good evening.

Hey, and thank you for the champagne.
That's really lovely. Dom Perignon '63.

-Would you like to share it with us?
-Of course.

-Don't you look lovely.
-Could we have two more glasses?

Well, isn't this nice?

-What?
-To all be together.

Is everything satisfactory with
your accommodation, Mr. Chamberlain?

Real good. Just real good.
And you know something?

I think we ought to dispense
with the formalities.

Why don't you just call us
Christine and Carter?

Of course.

-Now, how about let's make a toast?
-Sure.

-Who's gonna make it?
-I'll do it.

-Here's to health and happiness.
-To a pleasant voyage.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

-That is good, isn't it?
-Goes right to my nose.

What a lovely necklace, Christine.

Why, thank you.

-Stunning, isn't it, darling?
-Exquisite.

-Is that a Roberto design?
-No, actually, it's an Irving.

lrving? I'm not really familiar with Irving.

Oh, he's one of Carter's discoveries.

He has a feeling he's gonna have
a good future in store for him, doesn't he?

You know, it's so fascinating about gems.

It's one of the rare bounties of nature
that can be improved by man's touch.

Well, isn't that funny? Carter feels
the same way. Don't you, darling?

I do. That's very funny.

Sorry I'm so late, but Mitch is so sick.

Hi, I'm Esther Goodman.

Guido Dellafortuna.

-What a musical name.
-Yeah, it is, ain't it?

Thank you.

-How are you? Missed you in town.
-Yes, how unfortunate.

About your Mitch,
nothing contagious I hope?

Oh, no.

Nothing a little less motion wouldn't cure.

This Mitch, he's your husband?

Oh, no. My girlfriend.

Murray, my husband.

He's been gone almost eight years.
May he rest in peace.

I'm sorry to hear that.

And what do you do, Mr. Dellafortuna?

-You can call me Guido.
-Guido.

I never knew a Guido before.

-That was a lovely dinner.
-Well, I'll take full credit.

You do?

Not for cooking,
but for stealing the chef away...

-from France's most prestigious restaurant.
-Well, now that does take a first-class thief.

-Have you always been in the navy?
-No. The uniform is strictly for effect.

I really have nothing to do
with the maritime.

Why, Captain Granville,
you have shattered my illusions.

I'm sorry about that.
You see, I'm just a simple hotelier.

I normally do this sort of business
with resort hotels.

What sort of business is that?

I'm brought in to organize.

Smooth out the rough edges.

-Then we move on.
-Yes, I see.

Well, now, Pamela certainly can move well,
can't she?

Yes, well, part of our job
is to fraternize with the passengers.

You know, that can be rather tedious.

Frankly, with two attractive people
like yourselves, it's....

-It's a total pleasure.
-Well, thank you.

-Christine is a very fortunate woman.
-Oh, yeah? How's that?

Well, I assume all those lovely presents
are from you.

You mean the jewellery.

Well, yes. Sort of a token of my esteem.

I like to see beauty surrounded by beauty.

-Know what I mean?
-I do.

Is this a vacation for you two?

Well, it's more of a permanent holiday.

How nice. How do you pass your days?

Just about the same way
as we pass our nights.

I take it Carter is very good at what he does.

Very.

And what is that that he does?

I see what you mean.

You want to know what it is he did
so we can do what it is we do so well.

Yes. Yes, I presume that's what I mean.

Well, you see,
Carter lives off of one investment.

-How nice.
-Isn't it?

Now, I don't mean to be indiscreet
or anything...

but what is it that Carter has invested in?

Marriage.

His first two wives were real rich.

-Hi, honey.
-Trust your company was as good as mine.

It was wonderful. Thank you.

And thank you, you're a wonderful dancer,
Carter.

When Pamela finds a willing partner,
she'll dance all night.

-Would you like another drink, darling?
-No, thank you. I'm fine.

You know, I personally prefer something
a little more competitive.

Perhaps you'd like to join me
in the morning for some skeet shooting?

-Now that sounds real fine.
-Skeet shooting. That does sound good.

Fine. About 7:00 then, on the top deck.

Fine.

I have an early exercise class,
if you'd care to join me.

-I don't know--
-That sounds great.

-It does?
-It does.

Darling, why don't we take a few laps
around the dance floor?

-Get you up for tomorrow. 7:00 sharp?
-Yes.

And, Christine, make sure you lock up
those valuables at night.

Sure thing, honey.

-7:00 sharp? Good night.
-Good night.

Do you get the feeling...

that they want me to put my jewellery
in a safe place so that they can get it?

Yeah, they are acting kind of funny.

They're awfully dedicated
to our entertainment, don't you think?

I think so.

Darling.

You see that man leaning against that post
back there?

Yes.

-He's been checking you out.
-He has?

Why don't you go down to the cabin
and get something?

-You want him to follow me?
-Yeah.

And let him do anything.

-I beg your pardon?
-Almost anything.

Thank you.

Hey, if you're looking for me, here I am.

You know, darling,
I think there's a life preserver overboard.

Perhaps we should throw in a man.

Would you mind telling me
what you've been doing in our cabin?

My name is Victor Sutter.

I'm an investigator with Great Pacific.

-Great Pacific.
-Who's Great Pacific?

We carry your husband's insurance,
Mrs. Hart.

Pull.

-Very smart.
-Thank you.

My turn. Excuse me.

Pull.

I think you nicked that last one.

Let's make this a little more interesting,
shall we?

-Why certainly. It's your show.
-I mean, a little wager.

Say, $10 a bird?

-Why, Patrick, are you trying to hustle me?
-Hustle a guest.

That would be highly unethical,
wouldn't you think?

Okay.

Pull.

You know something, Patrick,
I think you're trying to hustle me.

-Is that a pump?
-Yes, it is.

-You mind if I try it?
-Not at all.

Thank you.

-Good luck.
-Thank you.

You wanna put four of them up for me?

Thanks.

Pull.

You know, that's got real good balance to it.
Real good.

-Well, well.
-Good morning.

Well, now, Pamela, I certainly am impressed.

Thank you.

I hope you don't intend
on that sort of exercise for me.

No, that's strictly for me.

In my younger days,
I was a world-class gymnast.

-I like to keep in shape.
-You certainly have done that.

Does every ship come equipped
with one of these?

No, some executives want a window office.

-I held out for my toys.
-I see.

Besides, windows on ships
don't have much of a view, anyway.

I don't know. That depends
on what side you're looking from.

Doesn't it?

Thank you. Okay, now my turn to watch you.

Come on, like we did yesterday. Come on.

Come on, Captain, let's go.

All right, now. You all ready?
Let's get in step. Here we go.

One, two, three, and....

Guido, you're a regular Travolta.

I teach him all his best moves.

Tell me, you do this cruising bit a lot?

Only when I ain't bored with the jet set.

Biggest ship I was ever on
was the Staten Island Ferry.

With my husband, Murray.

It was very romantic.

Men and the water go very well together,
if you know what I mean.

I take that as a big compliment.

So you should. You're very sexy, Guido.

Well, you ain't exactly
chopped liver yourself.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

Darling, why couldn't the thief
have let himself in through the door?

The insurance man did it pretty easily.

-Darling, he'd already rigged the door.
-That's right.

Well, maybe he was posing as a steward
and let himself in.

This morning, I nonchalantly inquired
into the key business.

The purser controls them.
The originals are in a safe.

-But all the stewards have keys.
-Yeah, that's right.

But they turn them in every night.
And they're impossible to duplicate.

Maybe the purser's in on it.

I don't think so.

-Then they came through the porthole.
-Yeah? What makes you think so?

Well, they didn't come in
through the keyhole.

They didn't come up the drain.
So what else is left?

The other two would be easier.

I don't know.

Not if you're a world-class gymnast.

Excuse me.

-Hello, Mr....
-Sutter. Victor Sutter.

-Won't you join us?
-Thank you.

Again, I apologize for last night, Mr. Hart.

But as you know...

my company has specific instructions
to keep a very low profile.

That's okay.

-Any leads?
-Just a couple of suspicions.

-Do they both start with "P"?
-As a matter of fact, they do.

-The Granvilles.
-Right.

I know what you're trying to do,
Mr. and Mrs. Hart...

with all the imitation jewellery.

You're hoping for another theft.

I'm not sure they'll bite...

but I have something here
that might stimulate their appetite.

That's an exact duplicate of the piece
that was stolen last week.

About as valuable as the pieces
you've been wearing, Mrs. Hart.

You and the Granvilles
have gotten quite chummy.

It might be interesting to note their reaction
if Mrs. Hart showed up with that on.

You can count on me, Mr. H.

-Darling.
-Yup?

It's wet in here.

You want your raincoat?

There's not even a lifeguard on duty.

Don't go in the deep end.

-What is it?
-There's a shark's fin.

Do you think it's a great white?

Don't worry, darling.

If you don't bother him,
he won't bother you.

Maybe this is a job for the Captain.

I think it's more a job for the first mate.

Hi, sailor. Aren't you out of uniform?

-Well, good evening.
-Good evening.

Hello.

I got to tell you, my shoulder's
really suffering from this morning.

Say nothing of my wallet.

Darling, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Maybe I overdid it this morning.

That's a lovely necklace, Christine.

Thank you very much.
It's another one of Carter's pretty presents.

If you'll excuse me a minute,
I have some business to attend to.

Certainly. We'll suffer
along with Pamela's charming company.

Excuse me.

-Can I get you a drink?
-Yes, I'd like a white wine.

Have some of those peanuts.
Aren't they good?

Thank you.

I'll be back in minute.

Guido, here I am. Where are you running to?

Listen, Esther, carissima mia...

I got to make a long-distance call
to Sicilia, to my old mama.

I'll be right back.

You buy yourself on me a pink lady.

If you say so, Guido.

I wonder what's keeping Patrick.

I'm afraid he thinks I'm gonna hit him up
for double or nothing on the shuffleboard.

You wouldn't do that, would you, sugar?

Well, honey.... No, I don't think I would.

-Waiter?
-Do you want something, honey?

Yeah, I'd like to have some nuts.

-I'd love some nuts, wouldn't you?
-Love it.

I'm starving. I can hardly wait till dinner.

-What happened?
-He gave me the slip.

Well, we blew that one. Stick around.

-There you are, honey.
-Thank you. Help yourself.

Isn't that good?

-There you are.
-I'm sorry.

-You all right?
-Yes, I guess.

-I had a bit of an accident.
-Darling, what happened?

Let's just say that I was encouraged
to take a short rest.

How would you describe it, Carter?
Whatever your name is.

I know you're troubled about something,
but I--

The bump on the back of my head
for starters.

But more importantly, the mate
to that necklace your friend is wearing.

-Now wait a minute--
-No, you wait a minute.

-Patrick, what are you--
-Be quiet, darling.

Now very nicely reach into your pocket,
take our your wallet.

-Believe me, you are way out of line.
-No, I'm not.

The line is very direct from the gun
in my pocket, to your friend.

Well, Mr. Hart.

I'm so glad you didn't leave home
without them.

Mrs. Hart, I presume.

Well, Mr. Hart, may I call you Jonathan?

I know that's a little out of line
with one's employer.

But I have a distinct feeling
that our relationship is about to be severed.

I'm afraid I won't be able to write you
a recommendation.

All we want is our vacation pay.

Hand it over.

If you've misplaced your necklace...

I'm afraid that we can't help you.

Patrick, they haven't left the table all night.

That phoney Italian industrialist.

-I know he's with you.
-That's right.

He is with us.

But zapping you over the head
and snatching that necklace...

believe me, that's not his style.

I think it's time
that you had a tour of your ship.

Now, if I were you,
I wouldn't try anything foolish.

Killing your wife would get me
in a lot of trouble with the management.

Get up!

Hart. Pamela.

I can't wait
to try out the new dance steps tonight.

Yeah.

Guido? What is it?

You've got that far-off Sicily look again.

Listen, Esther, I think that the call
from my mother comes through right now.

I'll be just gone a minute. Please.

Guido, there comes a time
in every man's life when he has to let go.

Fascinating, isn't it, Mr. Hart?

That's it. Keep moving.

So what do you think of your ship so far,
Mr. Hart?

-Sorry. I'm not very friendly.
-Keep going.

Fine.

I thought this might be a little more private
for us to chat.

-Patrick, what are you going to do?
-Relax, darling.

Just giving the Harts a little pause
for reconsideration.

Look, we've already told you,
we don't have your necklace.

Mrs. Hart, come here.

-It's not real.
-Clever.

Stupid of me to fall for it.

Mr. Hart, there's a phone
on the wall over there.

Why don't you put in a call to your friend
and tell him to deliver the real one?

That won't be necessary.

I decided to join the party uninvited.

-Thanks, Max.
-Thank God I didn't lose him this time.

Are you telling me
that you haven't got the real piece?

That's right.

I don't understand.
If you don't, who does?

Tell him, Mr. Hart.

Victor Sutter, Great Pacific.

Don't try anything foolish. I'll take that.

I figured when you showed up
with that phoney duplicate...

you had decided to give up
the insurance business.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to
this, but I don't see that I have much choice.

Now if you'll just move on...

I know a little door where you can get
a wonderful ocean view.

-You don't really mean to kill all of us?
-Only with the greatest reluctance.

Actually, we're only about 10 miles
from the coast.

If you don't panic, you might make it.
Let's go.

-You could at least throw us a lifesaver.
-At least a rubber duck.

Guido, you lied about your mother. I....

Jonathan!

Hold on! I'm coming down for you.

Jonathan!

Hey, take care of them, Max.

Hold on tight!

Hang on!

Hang on!

Thanks a lot.

-All right?
-Thanks for the line, sailor.

-You know, Esther...
-Yeah?

...I got a little confession to make.

You're not a wealthy Italian industrialist.

Yeah. How'd you know that?

Phoneme like that,
you could only be from Brooklyn.

Esther Goodman,
you are a very precipitatious lady.

Well, I didn't just fall off
the turnip truck yesterday, you know.

Max and Esther look serious.

They make a lovely couple, don't they?

You know, darling, we're gonna have to
face the fact that some day...

Max may leave home.

I suppose there comes a time
in every couple's life...

when they just have to let go.

You could look at it this way.

We'd be losing a Max,
but we'd be gaining an Esther.

I hope she's a doctor.