Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 1, Episode 2 - Passport to Murder - full transcript

This is my boss, Jonathan Hart.
A self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs H. She's gorgeous.

What a terrific lady!

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of them, which ain't easy...

'cause their hobby is murder.

Darling, you did give them
the number down there?

Sure. What do you think?

Well, don't you think
we look a little overdressed?

Semper Paratus, darling. Right, Max?



-Right, Mrs H.
-That's the Coast Guard motto, Max.

I know that.

-Always be prepared.
-Of course.

You know, Mrs H,
I don't have a monkey suit.

So, you'll have to settle
for my new polyester drip-dry.

Max, I'd take you wrapped
in a Navajo blanket.

I'm rushing in to the nearest reservation.

Mr H, is Reilly a good sailor,
or do I have to pack these sea-sick tablets?

Clint Reilly is an old shipmate of mine, Max.

Believe me, you don't have a thing
to worry about.

In that case, I'll pack them for myself.

I thought you said we were going
to hit calm weather.

This is calm weather, Max.

Then how come I still need
my sea-sick pills?



Come in.

Close the door.

You're late.

I'm sorry, the bus did not come.

Yeah, for what I'm paying you,
you could take a cab. Let's get to it.

I cannot undo it.

You still nervous?

One more time...

and it'll be all over.

See, there's nothing to it.

-I want it to be finished!
-Very soon.

No, now!

You'll be finished
when I tell you you're finished.

I don't want the money anymore.

You have a lovely face,
you know that, don't you?

Don't you?

Now, you'll finish the job, keep the money...

and your face will still be lovely.

What a terrific life.

-You know you really have it made.
-How so?

-You get to ride around all day in a Bentley.
-Which I have to keep polished.

-Gourmet dinners every night.
-After which I have to do the dishes.

You get to spend a lot of time
with the Harts.

Clint, you're absolutely right.
I'm a lucky man.

Come on, let's go. Up and at them.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

Did you get him, Captain Bligh?

-You sure don't look like Mr Christian.
-Well, thank you very much.

-Excuse me, Anita, isn't it?
-Yes.

Could you put me on the list for
a long-distance call to Los Angeles, please?

It will be a while,
there are several people ahead of you.

Is there any place else I can make the call?

No, I am sorry.
This is a very small town, Mr. Hart.

That's all right.

I'll be out most of the afternoon, if you'd put
me on the list I'd appreciate it very much.

-Of course, Mr. Hart.
-Thank you.

Okay, come on, let's go.
A broken bilge pump awaits. Come on.

Not yet, let me just drop off my key.

Mr H, how come they always put
the bilge pump in a place...

-where it's impossible to get at?
-Just to make it interesting.

All right, sailors, it's time for a little vino.

-The sun isn't over the yardarm there.
-I didn't think we have a yardarm.

I'd like to propose a toast to Jonathan.

-Clint, it's bad luck to toast with water.
-She's right. Water is out.

To Jonathan...

who got me through Korea
without a scratch.

Twenty years of friendship and the finest
three-week fishing trip a man can want.

-Hear, hear!
-I have a little addition.

A little addition to three of the greatest
shipmates the Romance has ever had.

-Thank you.
-I'll drink to that.

Now, don't we throw the glasses overboard?

Max, please.

We've got seven more days
of sailing before we even get home.

Tonight we are going to have dinner...

at the finest gourmet restaurant
in the entire province...

and dinner is on me.

-That sounds great.
-Best way I know to say thank you.

We accept.

Since it's our last night,
why don't we all get really dressed up?

That's a good idea.

You mean I have to break out
with your tuxedo?

Well, why not?

Do you have any
last-minute shopping to do?

-No, Jonathan, I did it all yesterday.
-Okay.

Let's hit the shops,
we'll meet you back at the hotel.

Why don't I just stay here
and do whatever needs to be done?

-Very good.
-All right.

-Mr Reilly.
-Yeah.

-Do we know each other?
-No.

-Can I help you?
-You certainly can.

I'd like you to drop by my apartment
later this evening.

I have something for you.

Excuse me. I think I missed something.

A package, not too large, but very valuable.

A package you're gonna
take back to California...

without mentioning it
to Mr and Mrs Hart or the authorities.

-Just like that?
-Yeah. Just like that.

I'll bet you're full of questions.

No, just one.

Before I tell you to shove off, what makes
you think I'm gonna do any of this?

-It doesn't matter how much you--
-No, not money, Mr. Reilly.

Then what?

The man you're gonna deliver the package
to currently has some house guests.

Two lovely young ladies
named Emily and Kate Reilly.

As well as their mother.

If you wanna call,
you'll find they're not at home.

-How do you know their names?
-It doesn't matter.

You see, what does matter, Mr Reilly...

is if the package isn't there in one week,
my friend's gonna get annoyed...

and he has a dreadful temper.
Need I say more?

-I don't believe you.
-You live on Bennett Avenue...

your daughters go to Parkside School,
one's in third grade, the other's in sixth.

-Do you want me to continue?
-No.

-Good.
-That's enough.

Here's the address.

-I'm gonna see you around midnight.
-Don't!

Right?

Yeah. All right.

I'll look forward to it, Mr Reilly.

That's as far as my Spanish goes.
"Beer," and "How much is it?"

Where's Clint?

Beats me. I called him when we left
the room, he said he'd be down in a minute.

He won't mind missing the cocktail hour.
He doesn't drink anyway.

Hello?

I'm sorry, there is no answer
at the Los Angeles number.

Operator, are you sure
you're dialing the right number?

Yes, sir. 213-555-4636.

Yes, that's right.

Well, would you keep trying, please?

Thank you.

He's now 45 minutes late.

You want I should go up
and check out his room?

-No, here he is.
-Evening.

Sorry I'm late.

Scotch.

-Evening.
-Sit down.

Thank you.

-Clint, you all right?
-Fine. Why?

It's just unusual to see you drinking.

I'm a secret drinker.

That's one of my secrets.

Thank you. Could I have another one?

Maybe we had better get on
to the restaurant.

That's a good idea.
You could use some food.

That's a lousy idea.
Wanna know another lousy idea?

Coming on this trip.

-Max, why don't we go get the car?
-Right, Mrs H.

-You wanna talk about it?
-There's nothing to talk about.

What do you mean,
there's nothing to talk about?

You haven't had a drink for 20 years.

You come staggering in here, loaded,
and there's nothing to talk about?

-Come on, what's the problem?
-You're the problem, you know?

I should never ever travel with you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Targets. They ain't gonna mess with you.

No. But if somebody happens to be
with you, like a fish gets caught in a trap....

My wife. My kids.

What about the kids?

I'm not gonna let them get hurt,
so I'm gonna get on that boat...

and I'm gonna go home and....

Nobody knows, it's not gonna hurt.

-You need help.
-Jon, leave me alone.

-No.
-I'll take you.

-All right?
-Okay.

What happened this afternoon?

Nothing I can't handle. I take care
of my business, you take care of yours.

-Stop here.
-No, Jon. No. All right.

Okay, see. All right.

You make sure I'm on that boat going home.

I'm afraid we won't know anything
until after he's out of surgery.

-What's the prognosis?
-Right now? None.

I'm afraid the alcohol in his system
is not helping.

I know we have a small hospital,
but we have good doctors.

Your friend will have the best care possible.

-Thank you very much, Doctor.
-My pleasure.

-Thanks, Doctor.
-Of course.

I just don't understand it.

-Clint was so angry.
-More than that...

he was frightened, very, very frightened.

Here are some of Clint's personal things.

What was he so frightened about?

He kept mentioning something
about his kids being threatened.

Mumbling, none of it made much sense.

"Avenida De Flores"?
Do you know where that is?

I don't know. I'll find out.

You noticed anything strange
about Clint today?

Not a thing.
He seemed kind of excited about...

getting home and seeing his family
and then that's all.

He said it's on the other side of town,
hardly the place that tourists should go.

What would Clint be doing
with that address?

And when would he have gone there?
He's been with us ever since we got here.

Max, stay here, and see that
Clint gets everything that he needs.

We'll be in touch.

Don't touch anything.

-Is he dead?
-Very.

Identification?

Nothing.

He looks like an American.

I don't think this is the time
to call a Travelers Aid.

Jonathan, look at this.

What is it?

He must've been dealing in dope.

Do you remember that article
I did on drug abuse?

Well, this is all the stuff.
Look, this is how they measure it...

and there it is.

I can't tell if it's cocaine or heroin.
But I'll tell you one thing...

it sure ain't white flour.

Answer it.

It's for you.

Hello.

We're sorry about what happened
to your friend Reilly.

-What have you got to do with it?
-Nothing.

Except we have the package
he was supposed to pick up.

What was in it?

For $50,000 you will be able
to find out for yourself.

-Well, I'm not that interested.
-You should be.

Just think about it.

It seemed awfully important
to your friend for him to take the risk.

Where?

Drive out of town on the road going south
for exactly two hours.

You will find me.

I don't know where I'm gonna find $50,000
at this time of night.

Señor Hart, be inventive.

I'll be there tonight.

It's beginning to make sense.

Maybe to you.

This guy was putting the squeeze
on Clint to smuggle drugs into the States.

From the way Clint was talking,
he was probably threatening his kids.

And the telephone call?

The competition, they killed him...

and now they're holding
the drugs for ransom.

Which means if we don't pick up
the drugs, Clint's family is still in danger.

-Let's pick them up.
-No, Jonathan.

If we get caught,
we could wind up growing old in jail.

So, we won't get caught.

Come on, let's find out
what hours the banker keeps.

We're interrupting his anniversary party.

Well, tell him we're sorry,
but we need him to open the bank up.

He's in a lot of trouble with his family.

-He's not gonna cash your cheque.
-After all of that?

I'm just giving you the high points.

Tell him that we'll get a money order
to him in 24 hours.

Then you have your money in 24 hours.

Tell him I'll give him the boat for collateral.

-The boat?
-The boat?

Yeah. You have a lawyer
meet us at your bank...

and I'll sign the boat over to you
until the money order arrives, okay?

That will be acceptable, in half an hour?

-Amazing how quickly he picked up English.
-That's because you speak it so well.

Hey, Mr H, Clint ain't doing so good.

The doctor said he's stabilized.
But he isn't getting any better.

-Is he still unconscious?
-Yeah.

I tried calling his wife when I got back,
but there wasn't any answer.

-Maybe she's out of town.
-I don't think so.

Clint didn't bring his family on this trip...

because of the kids being in school.
This is a week night.

-I'm afraid I'm right about that threat he got.
-Yeah?

You stay here
and keep trying that number, okay?

Okay.

-Where you going?
-Out for a dope buy.

He should've said two hours or 10 miles,
whichever comes first.

We've gone further than that, haven't we?

The way my tail feels,
we've just crossed the Andes.

There they are, over there. You see them?

Excuse me.

-Who is in there with you?
-My wife.

You may both get out.

Careful.

In front of the car.

Hurry up.

-Isn't this place a little out of the way?
-It's safer here.

For all of us.

You have the money?

I never leave home without it.

May I check it?

Sure.

I think it's the same as in the apartment.

This isn't an ordinary blackmail, is it?

The dead man, Señor Decker...

he was smuggling cocaine
into your country.

My friends and I, we felt he was...

cutting into our business.

So you bought him out?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

You're most pleasant to deal with, señor.

-Señora, I thank you.
-Well, I'm looking forward to reciprocating.

There's an LA address on there.
I guess that's the delivery.

-What are we, the messenger boys?
-I guess so. I don't know what else to do.

This is the police.

Stay by your car and do not move.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Aguira.
I am the Sheriff of this province.

May I see the box, please?

-Help yourself.
-Hand it over.

Slowly.

You Americans refuse to learn.

No matter how we increase
the penalty for narcotic smuggling...

you still insist on trying.

-But we didn't.... We weren't--
-Our laws are very harsh...

as you will discover first-hand.

Forgive the manacles,
but this is an old building.

I have asked for money to make it
more secure, but funds are scarce.

You managed to buy yourself
a pretty fancy helicopter.

It is beautiful, isn't it?

Our county is most anxious
in cutting down on drug smuggling.

People like you
must be put out of business.

I suppose it would be foolish
to ask if we could make a phone call?

-Yes, it is foolish.
-But it's our right.

You have no rights.

If you should need anything...

Maria will be nearby.

Also, if you should try to escape...

do not be fooled
by her pleasant appearance.

We'll try not to be.

I wish you a comfortable night's sleep.
Good night.

Would you like to step into my office?

Darling, don't you think this is
carrying togetherness a little too far?

You'd better get used to it.

That Sheriff didn't just happen
to be in the middle of that field...

in the middle of the night.
He is in this dope business.

What do you think he's gonna do to us?

We're not gonna wait around long enough
to find out.

We've got to get that dope and get into LA.

Jonathan...

don't you ever wonder how it is we always
manage to get into these things?

Well, right now I'm wondering
how we're gonna get out.

I should have had Max follow us.

Por favor, señor, relax. Now tell me again.

You said your friends left the hotel here
in the middle of the night...

-to go for a ride?
-That's right.

They said they were going for a drive
on the road headed south.

-Yes, but for what reason?
-I guess they just wanted to go for a drive.

-At midnight?
-They're awful romantic.

-Sometimes they do those things.
-That doesn't sound romantic to me.

It sounds a bit loco.

Sometimes that, too.
Can you go look for them?

-I most certainly will.
-Thank you very much.

How'd you sleep?

Awful.

I kept hearing Elvis Presley
singing Jailhouse Rock.

I'm afraid our friend wouldn't qualify
for the Welcome Wagon lady.

She's been peeking in here.

She's looking at you.

She's not stimulating my appetite.

What if you stimulated hers?

-Call it charity.
-I already gave at the office.

What, are you afraid
she won't take you up on it?

-No, I'm afraid you might get jealous.
-I'll try to control myself.

Sit up, come on. Do as I say.

Show her the old pearly whites.

Not working.

Take off your coat.

Strip. Come on.

Keep smiling.

-Hey, this is a new jacket, you know?
-It's only going to get in the way.

Now your shirt.

Take it easy on the shirt, will you?
Just in case we get out of here.

I will.

There.

Look at the old beefcake.

Nothing.

Let's go over to the water basin. Come on.

Are you crazy?

Take a little bath,
you'll love it when we're out of here.

Such a dirty, dirty boy. You need a bath.

Keep looking at her and I'll just....

My goodness.

Keep smiling.

Is she watching? Good.

Take a load of this.

Now the big finish.

Let's get out of here.

Is she coming?

Now!

I'll be damned!

-Get up, will you? Get her up.
-I'm trying to hold her down.

-She's as strong as a horse.
-Because her passion has been aroused.

I hit her.

Yeah. Good thinking.

Aguira probably took the keys for the cuffs.

We'll find a way to get out of these
before we find the Sheriff's house.

The Sheriff's house?

Yeah, to get the dope back.
Remember why we're here?

I'm still trying to figure it out.

Jonathan, I think we're going
the wrong way.

We're more likely to find help
on the way back to town.

That's why I think
we're going the wrong way.

-The town is that way!
-That way!

-I was a Boy Scout.
-And I was a Camp Fire Girl.

What is this, a Mexican stand-off?

Standing is hardly
the thing we should be doing.

All right, let's try it your way.
Let's go this way. Come on.

Looks like it's not gonna work.

-I noticed.
-Well...

we're just destined to be together.

We can get the dope and the key
when we see the Sheriff, at the same time.

You sound like
you're looking forward to that.

To get my hands on him?

I sure am.

You may get that wish
sooner than you think.

Wait, I can't run, Jonathan, in these shoes.

Wait, these shoes are killing me.

-Turn around.
-What?

Give me your foot. Other foot.

Now my dress. I can't run in this dress.

-You didn't.
-Now we're even.

-Are you all right?
-Yeah.

Hold it! You'll never make it.

Jonathan!

Stop!

-Where are we heading?
-Just trust my sense of direction.

Are you sure your relatives
didn't scout for Custer?

Well, at least we got a lead on him.

-Let's walk on water.
-What?

And nobody can do that anymore.

What are you doing?

-Jonathan!
-Swim!

-He's shooting at us!
-Swim!

-About your sense of direction.
-Yeah?

I don't trust it anymore.

He said there's an anvil and some tools
by the shed.

You sure he won't try to contact the police?

He's had a couple of run-ins
with the Sheriff himself.

-There's no love lost there.
-Terrific.

-There.
-We finally found a friendly native.

-Can I consider this a trial separation?
-I was beginning to get used to it.

Did he happen to mention
which way the Sheriff's house is?

-Down that way, about two miles.
-Let's get going.

We've already lost a day
and we're not any closer to home. Come on.

Have you seen this car somewhere before?

Yeah, last night.
The guy who sold us the cocaine.

He's in with the Sheriff.

So now we have him and the dog
to worry about.

I got an idea...

but first, let's roll up
the windows on the car.

-What?
-Come on.

Ready?

I guess so.
Do you really think this is gonna work?

I hope so. He looks hungry.

Come on, doggy.

Nice dog.

Come on.

The ball, come on.

Come on, get the ball.

Well...

that uniform definitely proves
his tie-in with the Sheriff.

-Now if we can just get his gun.
-How can we do that?

Like porcupines make love, darling...

very carefully.

Damn it!

You've got something that belongs to us.

Get some rope.

All right, then we'll grab
that pick-up outside.

With the time we've lost...

I think we ought to see
about getting a plane back home.

I sure hope Clint's family is okay.

You know what I'm gonna do
when this is all over?

-What?
-Burn my passport.

Aguira, over there.

-You're not gonna believe this.
-What?

-Aguira?
-Do we know anyone else with a helicopter?

-Jonathan!
-Stay down!

-Jonathan!
-Stay down!

What's in that drum back there?

It says yellow paint.

-Take the wheel!
-I thought you wanted me to stay down.

Take the wheel!

It looked easier
when John Wayne used to do it.

-What are you doing up there?
-Keep it on the road.

He's crazy!

He's also dead.

I can't see!

I've gone blind!

-Aguira!
-I'm losing control!

-Darling.
-Yeah?

When you burn your passport,
save me a match.

Max.

Where you guys been?

-What happened, your clothes--
-How's Clint?

Fine. He's out of danger. He's awake.
He told me what happened.

Good. We've got to call LA
and talk to the police.

No, you don't.

-But his wife and family?
-Are doing fine, thank you.

Max, what are you talking about?

Well, I tried phoning them
from the hotel, no luck.

Then I remembered this thing
that I had heard about...

where there was only one place
to call out of town...

and this guy had
the switchboard operator paid off.

You heard about it or you pulled it yourself?

Mr H, you cut me to the quick.

Well, anyway, I got in touch
with this lady I know, Tiajuana...

and she called LA for me.

Within an hour,
Clint's wife called me back at the hotel.

The whole thing was a scam.

And that nice little telephone operator,
Anita, she was in on the scam?

Of course.
They've been pulling the same stunt...

on tourists for the past two years.
She confessed the whole thing to the cops.

-Max, you know something?
-What?

-You're a wonder.
-Yeah.

But it's nice to hear you say it.

Well, not a bad fishing trip.

One marlin, two swordfish,
and a couple of dope operators.

You know what
one of the policemen said to me?

He said he was sorry
you didn't work for them.

Well, I'm not.

Except I would've liked to have been there
when they picked up the LA connection.

Just to see the expression on his face.

Wasn't it nice
to see Clint reunited with his family?

And now we finally have
some time for ourselves.

Good.

Now, promise me.

We won't get involved
in any more of these things.

Promise.

Because if you do...

I'm just gonna have to chain you down.

And that's just for starters.

-I hope you're planning on a big finish.
-I am.

Now that we're alone like this.