Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 1, Episode 1 - Hit Jennifer Hart - full transcript

When Jonathan breaks up a semi-slavery ring, the manager running it sends a hit man to pretend to be Jennifer's cousin and terminate her.

This is my boss, Jonathan Hart.
A self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

What a terrific lady!

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of them, which ain't easy...

'cause their hobby is murder.

Don't worry, Mr. Shell.
My men earn their money.

I'm not paying your men, I'm paying you.

Hustle! Come on, let's go.

I've seen pallbearers
move faster than you guys.

Come on, let's hurry it up.

This tub has got to be
back out at sea tonight.

-We got a lot of perishables here.
-Yeah, us.

Listen, fellow, if I'd only logged
three days in this local...

I'd keep my mouth shut for a while.
You know what I mean?

Tell me something. How often
do we work nine hours without a break?

Whenever we're told to.

-You need the overtime that bad?
-What overtime?

Come on, Tucker, put your back into it.
You ain't no cripple yet.

Hey, you!

You swing that hammer
like my grandmother sucks an egg.

Where did we find you?

Let's discuss that after dinner.

What time do break?

Dinner? We didn't even break for lunch yet.

You did, massah.

You know, if you swung that hammer
half as good as you work that mouth....

Show me.

Get him!

Yeah! Get him!

Heads up! Got some fish coming.

Take off the little ones.

I want to see that man over here.

I think he's coming, anyway, Mr. Shell.

Didn't have time to catch
the poor son of a gun's name.

You treat these men like pigs.
You know that.

I'm Victor Shell, Executive Vice President
of Hart Shipping Lines.

After today, you won't work a dock
from here to Seattle.

And neither will you.

I'm Jonathan Hart.
I own Hart Shipping Lines.

Now, get your crooked, fat,
fired butt out of my limousine.

Jonathan Hart was here.
He knows about everything.

-Now what do I do?
-Leave the city, I'll take care of it.

-Can we keep two of them? Can we, Mom?
-I suppose so.


-We'll be back in an hour.
-I'll be sure to save them for you.

Can I help you, sir?

Part of my organization
was uncovered today.

There could be a deeper investigation.

I want it stopped.

-I don't handle cop killings.
-It's not a cop.

I simply want to send
a warning to someone.

-Jonathan Hart.

The Jonathan Hart?

His wife, I want her to have...

an accident, a fatal one.

-And he'd understand that was a warning?
-I'll see to that.

Right after the funeral.

I may have someone available.

Actually, I do have someone available.

You had me kind of worried there, Mr. H.

I'm glad it's all over.

One clown doesn't run a circus, Max.
I got a feeling this is only the beginning.

-Hello, darling.
-Hi, honey.

Your timing couldn't have been any better.

-Where are you going?

that must've been some fishing trip
you were on. What'd you do, fall overboard?

Somebody else did,
as a matter of fact. I helped out.

-Where are you going?
-To the writer's conference, you remember?

-It's been planned for weeks.
-I've got a great idea.

Why don't you have them
come over here and confer?

Next year.


is there anything you want to
tell me about this fishing trip?

-You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
-I'd believe anything you told me.

I've been working as a longshoreman.

And I may have discovered the beginnings
of a coast-wide dock scandal.

-Now, that sounds a little fishy.
-I told you.


-Bye, Max.
-Bye, Mrs. H.

Bye-bye, darling.

You know, Mr. H, Mrs. H is probably
the smartest lady I ever met.

-She's a smart one, all right.
-But sometimes--

Careful, Max.
I could take the rest of that personally.

You want me to hose you down now, Mr. H?

Or would you rather dive into the washer
and let me put you on full cycle?

With internecine irony

the caustic winds of chance
whip through my brain

Stripping sanity from
the remnants of reasons

strewing feral flowers in its wake

like noxious seeds
from some pernicious garden

The blessing shrouds a curse

As now the tangent of our lives
is linked and set

drawing closer still in diminishing circles

each minute that I wait

Each second's hesitation

the sword did sheath

And so, the apprehension

I'm finished.

Now, if you'll all proceed inside...

we can begin the fine-gotten
lecture series on post-existentialism.

That was wonderful. Thank you.

I guess you wouldn't keep reading
if you didn't like it.

You don't remember me, do you, Jennifer?

Stephen Thomas.

-Cousin Stephen.

It has been a long time, hasn't it?

-Do you really like them?
-They're wonderful.

They're better than wonderful.
They're really....

-Is this you in the story?
-Yeah. It's me.

Stephen Thomas, an undercover cop?

Ex-undercover cop.

Ex-poet, ex-auto mechanic, ex-waiter...

ex-whatever. Ex.

Last I remember...

Uncle Chuck had his heart set
on you playing third base for the Yankees.

Yeah. Well, he's probably an Expo fan now.

He and Mom moved up to Canada
about 15 years ago.

That's right. I remember. Sure.
How are they?

I don't know.
I don't see them too much anymore.

I guess they kind of gave up on me.

Not that I blame them particularly.

Look, maybe this is a bad idea.
Thank you very much for the nice words.

Stephen, wait. Not as a second cousin.

Second cousin once removed.

As a colleague, a fan, if you like.

-You have real talent. I mean that.
-Thank you.

Why don't you go home
and finish that story?

Jennifer, you got a home. You finish things.

Successful people
have a tendency to do that.

-If you had a place to type--
-Well, even if I had a place to type in...

I hocked my typewriter a week ago.

But if you had a place to type in...

I bet you could finish
that story in two days?

Maybe. In the real world.

Welcome to the real world, Stephen Thomas.

Because I just happen
to have a guest house...

that just happens to be free
for the next two days.

Fully equipped with a typewriter.

Folding already? Too much pressure?

I got dinner tonight with a friend.

Cancel it. Meet me out in front
in 10 minutes. You can follow me home.

I'm doing this for purely selfish reasons.

You are?

Years from now, when someone says:

"Do you know Stephen Thomas,
the famous writer?"

I'm going to say,
"Know him? I gave him his start."

-I guess that's fair enough.

-All right.
-Thank you.

It's me.

Did she buy it?

She really think you're Stephen Thomas?

Yeah, no problem.

Get close to her?
I'm staying in the guest house.


Bay leaf.

Bay leaf.

Pepper corns.

Pepper corns.

-Half a bottle of burgundy.
-Half a bottle of burgundy.

What do you think, Max?
Shall we go for the garlic?

"Eat no onion nor garlic...

"for we are to utter sweet breath."

Now I know where
the other half a bottle of burgundy went.

_h_t's Midsummer Night's Dream,

The Pomona Community Players
are putting it on.

I'm going to try out Mrs. H's idea.

I don't think Pomona's
quite ready for you, Max.

I'll see you on opening night.

Do you know this Cousin Stephen
that Mrs. H invited over for dinner?

I haven't even met
Uncle Chuck and Aunt Gail, yet.

-That must be them. I'll get it.
-I'll get it, Max.

You save your talent for Shakespeare.

Back here. We can take it over
to the guest house later.

-Hello, darling.
-Trick or treat.

Let's have dinner first. I missed you.

Darling. Come here, Stephen.
This is my cousin, no longer once removed.

-Thank you.

You didn't tell me about your attack dog.

Up till now he's been
a notoriously good judge of character.

-Stop that.

Here you go.

I guess he doesn't have to prove
he's a starving writer.

That's from a man
who never finished anything.

-I'm very flattered.
-Man, it's fantastic. I mean, fantastic.

You're a genuine chef.

It's a defense I sort of developed
early in life.

In case I wound up marrying a woman
who couldn't cook.

Max, can I see you in the kitchen
for a moment?

Why does that sound like
I don't have a choice?

-Coffee in the living room is ready.
-Thanks, Max.

She's really wonderful.

And you'll never know how lucky I was...

having her ask me
back to the house like this.

Jennifer tells me you've done
some undercover work.

Yeah, when I was a cop up in Frisco.

-Lived there very long?
-No, just a few years.

I'd like to read your story
when you've finished it.

-Undercover work fascinates me.
-Kind of an armchair detective?

From time to time.

-No, I don't use it.

Jennifer said that you collared a cop killer?

-Is that right?

Very impressive.

Well, it really wasn't that tough...

once the IU traced the stolen car
it was a walk in the park.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we call
Uncle Chuck and Aunt Gail?

I've never met them and I'm sure
they'd be delighted that you're here.

If you want to.

Yeah, why not? Let's give them a call.

-What's the number?
-Area code 514, Zenith, 79243.

-Except, they're not there.

No, they're in France.
They go there this time every year...

to this little village where they met
during the war.

It's kind of like an anniversary.

Romantic, you know?


I guess I should head on over
to the guest house.

-Thanks again for the hospitality.
-You're welcome.

Wait, just a second. Jennifer.

-Yes, darling?
-Stephen's going to bed.

Good night, Stephen. See you tomorrow.
I'll be up in a minute, darling.

Just a minute.

When I checked off the reasons
for wanting to marry you...

cooking was way down
at the bottom of the list.

Funny, on my list, too.

-Good night.
-Good night.

Let's see, your basic goose takes 20 minutes
per pound, allow for pre-roasting.

Max, when does Mr. H leave in the morning
for his meeting with the D.A.?

At 10:00. This dock scandal’s turning out
to be a big mess...

so he's liable to be there for some time.

From everything he's told me,
it's likely to last all day.

Anyway, when he gets back to the house...

whatever happens,
keep him out of the kitchen.

-Stephen, I thought you were in bed.

It's been so long since I've been
in a house with a real library.

I thought I'd come back and borrow a book.

-I thought I'd read for a while.
-Make yourself at home.

-Good night.
-Good night.

Hello, sailor.

Remember me?

The face isn't that familiar.

But maybe if you come a little closer.

How quickly they forget.


Now I remember you.

-What's on your mind?
-You first, you're the one who was frowning.


-San Francisco?

Stephen said "Frisco."

When was the last time you heard
somebody who lived there call it "Frisco"?

So he's not a native. He's still talented.


considering he used the San Francisco IU
to track down a stolen car.


-It sounds vaguely internal.
-It is, darling.

It's a police information unit.

Except it's only called that
by the New York Police Department.

In San Francisco it's called R 8 I.
Records and Information.

Why do I get this feeling...

that you'd like my cousin once removed
to be twice removed?

He seems nice enough.

It wouldn't have made a difference
who it was.

I was sort of hoping
for a little dinner for two.

-You missed me.
-Yeah. I missed you.


sometimes when I'm away...


do you ever get a little jealous?


-Not even a little bit?
-Not even a little bit.

I see.

Well, why not?

Because I trust you.

I trust you because you love me.

Now, look at me straight in the eye
and tell me that I can't trust you.



And here it's beautifully written...

but I think you've taken
a little too much dramatic license.

I mean, it's all right to suppose
what the killer thought at the moment...

but to put it as fact
makes you sound clairvoyant.

Unless, of course, you are.


I wish I were right now.

You really don't want to be doing this,
do you?

What's the matter?

I don't want to seem ungrateful.

I really appreciate everything
that you've done for me.

But there's something
that I have to take care of right now.

It's kind of personal.

Wouldn't have anything to do with that
broken dinner date last night, would it?

Yeah, it has something to do with that.

I probably won't be back until tonight.
Is that okay?

You do plan on working tomorrow,
don't you?

Then it's okay.

If you find
you'll be back in time for dinner...

give us a call.


-Hi, darling.

Jonathan, can you wait just a minute?


If you didn't want goose,
all you had to do was say so.

You're sure you didn't smell any gas?

Actually, I knew you wouldn't let me
remodel the kitchen, so I....

Jennifer, it's not funny.

I know.

It's just my way of handling it, okay?

Come on. That's not up to usual standard.

-Much better.
-Thank you.

You're okay?

Where is our budding young Serpico?

He left a little while ago.
He said he wouldn't be back until tonight.

How did your session go with the D.A.?

Well, the same organization is infiltrating
a dozen or more companies.

I thought that Stephen said
he wanted to work today.

So did I.

I don't know what his problem is...

but he certainly is a young man
with a lot on his mind.

How's it coming?

With any luck,
it happened a few minutes ago.

-Accident in the kitchen.

Kitchens and bathrooms,
that's where most accidents happen.

She was a nice person.

She was a kind person.

Would you get me the big net behind you?

It's much more difficult
when you know them, I can understand that.

Do me a favour.

You get another one like this,
call somebody else.

No problem.

-Going back for your things?

I'll come back by later
and pick up the rest of the money.

-See you then.
-See you then.

-Max, I'll be back in about an hour.

Hey, Max, keep an eye on her for me.

Why should today be any different?

Hello, Stephen.

Are you all right?

Considering the circumstances,
I'd say you look pretty good.

The only thing that was damaged
was my nerves.

I'll bet.

I'm surprised that tea cup isn't shaking.

I suppose you don't feel much like
doing any work today?

-Not really. No. I'm sorry.
-No problem. I understand.

Hey, Jenny, I got a great idea.

What do you say we get out of here
for a while? Take a drive somewhere.

It'll be great.
We'll drive to the beach, you know.

Take a look at the ocean.

Reaffirm the fact that you're still alive.

A little overwritten but not a bad idea.

-Let's go.
-All right.

Excuse me, Mrs. H.
But where are you heading for?

-Just down to Cabrillo Point.
-Mr. H says he'll be back pretty soon.

We're not going to be gone for very long.

I sort of got the idea
that he was a little worried about you.

No need to be, Max.
We'll be back in a little while.

Wow, can I help you?

I hope so.

I'll give you $100 on your watch
and a half on your cufflinks.

-You interested in this?
-Yes, I'd like to look at it.

-Well, maybe it's not for display.
-Well, maybe it should be.

You a cop?

You're a cop.

You're not a cop.

What harm can a look do?

Are you kidding?
A look cost me my last divorce.

How much did the guy get
when he pawned this?


Wait a minute. There are certain things
that a lady does not do for money.

This looks unethical.

-It also looks very profitable.
-You got a point.


You can look. But don't you touch.


was it worth it?

Every penny.

-Hello, Max, is Mrs. Hart there?
-She's not here, Mr. H.

She and Stephen took a ride out
to Cabrillo Point.

Thanks, Max.

What a terrific idea.

-Let's go down to the beach.

Forget it.

Come on.

Stephen, I understand everything
you're going through...

I went through the same thing myself.

It wasn't so long ago that I thought
I was never going to amount to anything.

That I'd never ever find anyone to love me.

But I did. And you will, too.

You're so beautiful.

Stephen, don't....

Oh, Stephen, please, help me!


Oh, please!


Please! Stephen!


-What happened?
-Stephen just saved my life.

Come in.

Jennifer told me the whole story.
I'm grateful.

Forget it, I'm glad that I was there.

It makes it more difficult, what I have to say.

I want you to leave.

That's kind of a strange way
to show your appreciation, isn't it?

Like I said, it makes it harder
after what you did.

No problem.

-Aren't you going to ask why?
-Well, it's your house.

You don't want to forget that.

-What, did you go through my things?
-I sure did.

-What kind of right do you have to do that?
-Because nothing about you adds up.

You told Jennifer you were broke.
But you got a Bible full of money.

You got a gun sitting in hock.

And that story about San Francisco
and Uncle Chuck, that doesn't play too well.

And all of a sudden
my wife starts to have accidents.

I can explain about the gun and the money.

I'm sure you can. The point is, I don't care.
I do care about my wife.

Like you said, it is my house.

I'll tell Jennifer you said goodbye.

-So, how did it go this time?
-Not so good.

Her husband, he's on to me.

-He knows why you're there?
-Well, he's got all the pieces.

He just hasn't figured out
how to put them together yet.

You took the job, you go back and finish it.

Here's your money back.

Kid, let me explain some things to you.

See, the people who come to me,
come to me for two things:

fast service and no complications.

-You'll find somebody else.
-Maybe yes and maybe no.

But you see, you say that Mr. Hart
is already suspicious of you.

And the longer this thing takes,
the edgier he'll get.

That's a big complication.

The kind I don't need.

I'm sorry, Morgan, I'm out of it.

It's too bad. You showed great promise.

I promise that I will never ever bring home
any more strays.

No, I promise this time. Honest.

-No stray cats?

-No stray dogs?

And especially no stray distant relatives.

You got a big future.

You told him to leave, didn't you?

The funny thing about it was
he didn't put up much of a fight.

That's funny.

-That's his work.

Now you're a writer,
would you go away and leave your work?

Some of it. Jonathan, that's my copy.

Here, you read it.
I have some work of my own to do.

After which, I am going
to resurrect a gourmet dinner.

How are you going to do that?

Woman doth not cook
by oven alone, Kemosabe.

Hot as a pistol out, isn't it?

Come on in. Get out of the sun.

Pretty good stuff?

That scene between the hit man and the cop
gets you right where you live.

That's just what I was thinking.

The kid was a great reporter.

He's either the best
and the most imaginative I've ever read...

or he's the hit man himself.

-Pool man.

Come on in.

I'll get it, Max.


I'm calling 555-3223.

And I'd like to know who I'm speaking with.

Jonathan Hart.

Officer Pierson, Metro.
We just found a body.

Thomas, shot to death.

He had your phone number
on a matchbook in his pocket.

All right. We'll be here all day. Thank you.

Bad news, Mr. H?

Stephen Thomas...

he's dead. Murdered.

It doesn't make any sense, Mr. H.
If he is the hit man...

who hit him?


the person that just took over his contract.

-Is the gate locked?

I just had to let in the pool man.

-This his regular day?

-What's his name?

-Are you sure?
-Yeah, positive, Charlie.

Jennifer, darling.

Hi, darling, do you want to go for a swim?

-Just stay where you are.

Don't move until I tell you to.

Hey, Fred! How's it going?

-How's that foot? Any better?
-Much better. Thanks.

Do exactly as I say.

Put the writing board down, get up,
and stand behind me.

-We're walking in the house.

Keep me between you and the pool man.

-Get over there! Stay in the pool!


Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-Is it all over?
-Yeah, it's all over.

I've never felt so ridiculous in my whole life.


You never felt so ridiculous?

Now, why would you feel ridiculous?

-I love you.
-Well, I certainly hope so.

-Does anything else hurt?
-Only when you don't touch it.

How about you?

Well, I'm just a little disappointed
in my relatives.

What's going to happen to that man Morgan
and the guy who hired him?

Well, with 20 counts of embezzlement
against him from his union...

I'm sure the FBI will think of something.

-What's up, Max?
-Mr. H...

you ain't going to believe this.
Mrs. H, your cousin has arrived.

Mr. Stephen Thomas from San Francisco.

Hey, Jennifer, I'm Steve.
And you must be Jonathan. How you doing?

Yeah, I'm sorry I'm so late.

And I'm really sick I missed hearing you
speak at that writer's conference...

and everything, you know?
But my car broke down.

Well, here I am, though.

And boy, have I got a story to tell you guys.

Does he look familiar to you?