Harry Enfield and Chums (1994–1999): Season 2, Episode 7 - Harry Enfield and His Yule Log Chums - full transcript

[dramatic music playing]

[Santa] Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

I appear to be stuck.

Oh. Whoa!



Fry, you bugger.

[theme music playing]

No, Lulu.

My Po.

Bad Lulu.


Shh. Shh.


Poor Lulu.

Kiss better.

Poor Lulu.

Kiss better.

No, Lulu.

My Po, Lulu.

[Lulu screams]


Shh. Shh.

Kiss better kiss.

Kiss better.

Kiss better.

Lulu, Lulu,

Lulu Po.

Lulu Po.

Po Lulu.




poor Lulu!

- [Lulu cries]
- Mum!

Poor Lulu, Mum!

Happy Christmas, Frank.

Yeah. What's this then?

Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Nah, nah, nah.

I thought you was an admirer
of girl power.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

The only girl power I respect

is Jif Bathroom Mousse.

Bad present then, eh?

It is. And if it wasn't
the seasonal time of goodwill,

I should give you a slap.

Pretty decent of you not to,

It is.

Ah, if the girls was here now,

I should say, "Oi,

Halliwell, Bunton,

B, C,

and Fortesque Smythe!


You've had a good 18 months,
but you're over exposed.

Retire gracefully!"

Yeah. But they're still young,

They've got to do something,
ain't they?

Oh, surely, yes.

And I'm certain that
old Fortesque Smythe's old man

will take them in hands
and learn them up

to follow in his footsteps

in the building trade.

Spice Builders, yeah, nice.

It would be,
but if I employed them

to re-tarmac my driveway
and modernise up my house,

I would insist upon topmost
quality workmanship.

Oh, I expect
they'd find the transition

from pop icons
to professional tradespersons

quite difficult, eh, Frank.

They may very well do,

They may do,
but if they made a mistake,

I should take them in hand.

I mean,
if B was up on my roof

renewing the lead cladding
around my chimbley,

scantily clad
in the middle of winter.

The crazy pierced-tongue,
frizzy Northern bint.

I should say,

"Oi, B, no!

This is not the weather
for lady roofers

to wear miniskirts.

And platform shoes
are a hazard in high winds

at great heights,

you irresponsible, loud and lewd,

dusky dick brain!"

Oh, C'd be more sensible.

Oh, C here would make

a superb sporty chippie.

And I'd be happy to let her
build me some bookshelves.

I'd say, "C, nice to see

you're appropriately attired

for light woodwork."

I hope you're using a spirit level, girl.

The second shelf down
looks piss to me.


If you're gonna screed
the kitchen floor,

take off your stilettos, you ginger goof.

Bunton, put that hammer down.

You're more trouble
than your worth.

Go and make a cup of tea,

you baby-faced waste of space.

Fortesque Smythe, come here.

Come here, girl.

What have you done?

I've just been up the new bathroom
you've installed.

The suite's good.

The tiling's superb.

You ain't done a bad job
of the masticking neither,

but the whole lot's
got to come out again.

And why?

You've used quarter inch pipe work,

Fortesque Smythe.

We've mains water pressure here

that requires minimum half-inch pipe

or you lose all your pressure!

You toffee-nosed ponce.

I think I'll get you socks
next year, Frank.

It improves on seeing it
85 times, doesn't it?


Young man.


Excuse me, ladies.
Have you got the time?

Oh, young man,
if you've got the money.

Time's one thing I haven't got.

I could pop me clogs
at any minute.

Where do you want me,
on the floor?

Or up against a shop window?

Oh, young man.

After him, Glad, quick.

Oh, look Glad,

- breakfast.
- [Glad] Oh.

Hello, young man.

Are you homeless?

Up you get, young man.

You're coming to stay with us.

We're gonna give you a lovely bath.

And rub you all over
with hot soapy water.

Hmm, and you can rub us,
young man, with oil.

You can do what you like to me,
young man.

Hmm, take us both at once.

Show us no mercy.

Come on. Don't be scared.

Have a mint. It's an aphrodisiac.

Young man. Hey.

He'll see you now, young man.

Oh, young man.

Ah-hah, here they are.

Morning. Happy Christmas.

- Happy Christmas.
- Happy Christmas, love.

Ah, happy Christmas, Tom. [laughs]

And you too of course,

Hey. [laughs]


How was mass, okay?

Wonderful. He's a lovely priest.

Oh, yes, he is lovely,
Father Bernard.

Yes, unmarried of course,

but that's because
he's taken a vow of chastity.

Otherwise, he'd definitely
be married to a woman.

No doubt about that.

- Oh, yes.
- Barry,

give the boys some champagne.

Ah, champagne. Yes.

Did you both sleep well?

Oh, brilliantly.
It's a really comfy bed.

- But creaky.
- Oh, I didn't notice.

Oh, yes, yes.

It's very creaky, that bed.

Your mother and I can hear
every single movement in it.

Every single movement.

Happy Christmas, everyone.

- Happy Christmas.
- Happy Christmas.

Ah, it's the wonderful thing
about Christmas

being surrounded by your family

and your son's latest boyfriend.

It's bloody fantastic.

Do you mind
if I have a mince pie?

Sure. I'll get out of your way.

I beg your pardon?

Well, you wanted to mince by?

No, no,

a mince pie.

Oh, hell!

Have them all.

It's okay. I only want one. Thanks.


Shall we open the presents then?

Ah, presents then. Yes, excellent.

That's the other wonderful thing
about Christmas,

your loved ones exchanging presents

rather than bodily fluids under my roof.

I don't know where that came from.

I do apologise.

I'm so sorry.

Ah, presents then.

Happy Christmas, darling.

Oh, thanks, Mum.

It's lovely.

Oh, well, I hope it's the right size.

And they do it in blue, too,
if you want to change it.

No, it's perfect. Do you like it?

- It's gorgeous.
- It's rugged.


It makes you look manly.


This is from me to you.


brilliant, a Swatch?

Oh, please, God.

It's bad enough having to listen.



- Barry.
- [Barry gasps]

Why don't you give
your present to David?


You give it to him.

Don't be silly, it's from you.

Yes. Of course it is. Yes.

Good idea.


Ah, well,

Happy Christmas, David.

- Thanks.
- Oh, don't thank me,

I mean, it's from me

but Tom's mother bought it,

so thank her, not me, please.

Please God.

- Thanks.
- [laughs]

Don't mention it. [laughs]

Yes, lovely. Hmm.


La, la, la, la, yeah.

- Barry.
- Huh?


- Happy Christmas.
- Thanks, thanks.


Wonder what it is.

Hope to God it's not underwear.


Aftershave, oh!




not you poof.

I mean, you poof, sure,

but I meant the aftershave poof,

and not poof, ugh,

but, hmm,

nice poof.

Hmm, lovely poof,

thank you.

That's "Thank you for the lovely poof

of the aftershave,"

not, "thank you lovely poof

for the aftershave."

Lovely poof. Thank you.

Not lovely poof,

thank you.

Not that you're not
a lovely poof, of course,

I mean, you are,
you're a really lovely poof.

I mean, not that I find you lovely.

I mean, I do, but not in that way.

I don't think, "Ooh, a lovely poof,"

like a poof would,

which I am not.

Oh, dear, I think I better start again.

[clears throat]

[whistles] Thank you

for the lovely aftershave

which smells nice, you poof.

Oh, bugger.

David, let's go and stuff the turkey.

What, both of you?

Oh, yes Dad,

we've got to stuff it from both ends.

Is that legal?

Office manager.

Sir, you're out of booze.

Is it all right if I open this?

It's aftershave.

Ah, come on,

it's Christmas!



good stuff.

Sir, is it all right if I stagger into

and smash your table?

It's an heirloom actually.

Oh, come on,

it's Christmas!

All right, darling.

Sir, is it all right if I shaft your wife?


[both] Oh, come on,

it's Christmas!


[Kevin] What are you folks up to
today then?

Well, I'm going to the supermarket.

[Kevin] Oh, do you want a hand?

I'll come with you if you like.

- Yes. Okay.
- Great.

[alarm ringing]

[clock ticking]

[announcer on television] He passes it,
he passes it.

Oh, what a goal for England

- and the crowd are going mad.
- Darling...

- [announcer from television] Kick off.
- are you coming to the supermarket

- with me?
- [announcer from television] He passes it.


To give me a hand with the shopping?

Are you having your period?

I think I'll go back to bed.

I think I might take this.

[announcer from television]
Oh, what a goal for the Czech Republic.

Thanks, Mum. Urgh.

Urgh. Urgh.

[siren wailing]


- Sorry, luv.
- [sobbing]

You all right, darling?

Happy Christmas.

You are a bastard, Lance.

[mother] Where's Tory Boy?

He's just coming down.

I had hoped now that
he had reached puberty,

he might have turned
into a normal teenager,

but it doesn't seem to have happened.

Happy Christmas, Tory Boy.

Good morning Mother, Father.

And may I wish you both

the happiest of Christmases

on behalf of myself

and the entire Conservative Party.

[father] Do you know what I wish,
Tory Boy?

I wish you'd joined Labour.


[makes noise]

[mother] Goodness me.

He's becoming...

Tony Boy.



May I wish you both...

an enormously happy new Christmas

under New Labour

as we look forward with...

tremendous newness,

to the new challenges...

of the new millennium.

Thank you.

Julio Geordio, record Colombian signing,

what an eventful afternoon.

Uh, just before today's kick off,

your lovely wife, Cheryl Geordio,

gave birth to a son.


Talk us through the birth.

[speaking gibberish] Epidural

[speaking gibberish] eight-pound five

[speaking gibberish] hung like a donkey.

Like father like son so I've heard.

[blows raspberry]
And what's the little nipper--

what's the little nipper called?

[speaking gibberish]
difficult choice like, uh,

[speaking gibberish]
Julio, Jesus, or Juan

[speaking gibberish]
settled in the end on Dean.

Dean Geordio, hmm.

And then in today's game

a hat trick in the first three minutes.

Talk us through the goals.

[speaking gibberish]
nicked in at the near post

[speaking gibberish]
I nicked in at the far post

[speaking gibberish]

the third ones come off me ass like.

And then after the game, Julio,

the post-match paparazzi
caught you in bed

with the five naked Spice Girls

all over you like a dirty rash.

Now, Julio, I'm fond of you,

so you'll excuse me for saying this

but you are a very, very silly

but tremendously lucky man.

Talk us through what you were doing
with them, will you, please?

Well, Barry like

[speaking gibberish]
human club sandwich, you know

[speaking gibberish]

if that Posh Spice does that
to David Beckham,

he's a happy man.

Julio Geordio,

footballer, foreigner,

father, adulterous husband.

Will you be seeking psychiatric help
over the festive season or...

will you be turning
to the fallen footballer's friend,

Tony Adams, to help you
through your crisis?

[speaking gibberish]

the wife's taken the nipper back
to her mother's in Huddersfield

[speaking gibberish] trends nightclub

[speaking gibberish]
Zoe Ball and Denise Van Outen

[speaking gibberish] wallop.


Yes, well, I'll see you tomorrow
then, Mum.

All our love,


Oh, my love.




You know what I mean?


What are you doing?

Kevin, granddad Richard
died last night.


Sorry, Dad.


- [doorbell rings]
- Doorbell.

- Yo.
- Yo, Kev.

Yo, Perry. Thank God you're here.

Yo, Mr and Mrs Patterson.

"Smack my bitch up,

smack my bitch up,

smack my bitch up."

Everything all right?
Did you have a nice Christmas?

[Mrs Patterson] Hello, Perry.

My granddad died last night.

- The poor one or the rich one?
- Poor one.

Oh, you won't get no money
in the will then, will you?


Shall I make you a nice cup of tea?

[Mr Patterson] No, thank you, Perry.

- Oh, I'd best go home then.
- No, stay.


When did he die then?

He died in his sleep last night, Perry.

Oh, good.

No, I don't-- I don't mean
"Oh, good that he's dead,"

I mean, oh, good he died in his sleep
and that he weren't stabbed or nothing.

I'm sorry about your dead dad,
Mr Patterson.

Thank you, Perry.

Mrs Patterson.


How old was he?

He was 90.

Oh, he had a good innings.

I'd like-- I'd rather be buried meself,

yeah, or cremated,

but I haven't really thought about it.

You could have him frozen, too.

And then you could bring him
back to life later.

Do you wanna come and stay
at my house for a couple of days?

- Yeah, I'll get my gear.
- No, no, Kevin,

you can't stay the night at Perry's,

we're catching the nine o'clock train
to York tomorrow morning.


Well, we've got to help organise
the funeral for granny.

Yeah, but do I have to come?

Yes, of course, you have to come.

We're going to bury your grandfather.

Yeah. But, uh, but, uh, but, uh,

- but, uh, but, uh, but--
- What is it Kevin?

Uh, uh.

It's Kelly Fulbright's
New Year's Eve Party, innit Kev?


Kelly's parents are away

and she promised to do it
with you New Year, didn't she, Kev?

Shut up!

Never mind though, Kev,

I'm sure burying your granddad's
far more important

than getting a monster shagger.

You see, Mr and Mrs Patterson,

Kelly has somewhat of a reputation
of being an easy lay.

But don't worry about it Kev,
I'll look after her for you

so no one else will shag her.

All right.
Kell, I'll look after you for Kevin.

See? You know,

drink, hmm, cheers,

Happy New Year.


and one for Kevin up at his nan's.

Oh, Kelly.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

I'm only joking, Kev!


Mum, can't I come up
on New Year's Day?

No Kevin, you'll be hungover.

You'll miss your train, lose your ticket,

or fall asleep and wake up in Edinburgh,

it's too much trouble.

- Oh, for God's sake!
- Kevin!

I don't see why I have
to bloody go anyway.

It's your grandfather's funeral!

What did he ever bloody do for me?

- What?
- He loved you.

Loved me? Urgh.

One pound every Christmas

hadn't he heard of bloody inflation?


Well don't blame me,

it's not my bloody fault he's dead, is it?

You little shit, how dare you?

Kevin, apologise to your father at once.

I'm sorry your dad's dead.

Now, can I bloody stay?

- [gasps]
- Get out!

Get out of this house!

- Assault!
- Do you want some more?

You ungrateful little boy!

Now get out
and don't come back!


Happy Christmas.

Oh, thank you.

I wonder what it is.

Smells nice.

Is it what I think it is?

I hope so.

A dead cat.

I remember you said you wanted one
for under the floorboards.

Thank you very much.

Oi, you!

Yes, you!

You've just shat in my fishpond.

Hey, it's Christmas!



[Lulu screaming]

[June] Oh, hello,

you must be Geoffrey's cousin
from Belfast.

I'm June Binfield,

nice to meet you.

William Ulsterman.

I shall judge whether it is nice

to meet you, Mrs Binfield,

by your actions,

not your empty words.

Oh, righty-ho.

Would you care for a canapé,
Mr Ulsterman?

I should indeed,

I should care for cheddar cheese
and pineapple on a stick.

[June] Oh, sorry.

Don't seem to have any of that,

uh, there's quiche slices.

I have made a legitimate
and peaceful request

for cheddar cheese
and pineapple on a stick.

Well, I'd give it to you
if I had it, Mister Ulsterman

but I'm afraid I haven't.

I'm ever so sorry.

I totally and utterly reject
your expressions of sorrow.

Let nobody be in any doubt

these are crocodile tears you are crying.

For hundreds of years,

my community has enjoyed
cheddar cheese

and pineapple on a stick.

And today, you have been seen

to trample our demands contemptuously

unto the mud, you vile hag,

you shall be judged guilty.

Now you're just being

Missus Binfield.

- Missus Binfield.
- I--

- Missus Binfield.
- Let me--

Missus Binfield.

It is not me
who's being unreasonable.

It is you.

You have single-handedly

destroyed the spirit
of all true Christian people

at this special time of year,

you loathsome fat ugly bitch.

May you burn in hell.


Nobody is more committed

to the search
for pizza than me.

But to try and impose
your pizza

upon me is insulting,

outrageous, and arrogant.

Merry Christmas.

[man] Die, scum.

[video game gunfire]


Are you all right, Kev?

[man] Burn alive bastard.

[man screaming]

What am I gonna do, Perry?

I'm an orphan.

I'm just gonna put him down
and then chop his bollocks off.

Oh, I love PsychoManiac,

best Christmas present I've got
and me trousies.

What am I gonna do Perry?

I've been thrown out
on the streets.

Well, go and say you're sorry
and go to York I suppose.

Do you wanna see me do
level four before you go?

I get to kidnap
a whole football team

and I'll gouge their eyes out.

[doorbell ringing]

Sorry Mum, sorry Dad.


Happy Christmas.


Happy Christmas.


It's a coal scuttle...

a new one.

Where's my present?

Is it too big to go
under the tree?

[both] Well, don't look at me.

Oh, you haven't forgotten it,
have you?

Me forget?
You said you'd get it.

When did I say that?
Name the date.

Look, look, it doesn't matter.

Of course it matters darling,

your bloody mother's ruined
Christmas for you.

You know you're in the wrong
and you won't admit it.

- Me wrong?
- Yes.

You name the date
when you say I said I'd get it.

See? You can't, can you?
And why not?

Because you're a filthy,
stinking, bloody liar.

Tim Nice-But-Dim, how do you do?


Bloody good prank.

I used to have one of those
hand zapper thingies

but I lent it to Charlie
and he got it confiscated

by a policeman for using it
on the Queen Ma'am.

Some people have no sense
of humour.

Well, what do you do?

I have come to take over.


Do you know
Toby Peckenham Filtch?

He's in takeovers.

Oh, it's a bloody good
business actually.

Be quiet.

It is being quiet, isn't it? Yeah.

That's because Christmas Day,
everyone's gone

to their country pads for the weekend.

Where do you live?

- I am from far away.
- Really?

Do you know Justin and Zaza
Winkworth Stanley?

They just moved
to Brondesbury.

- Another planet.
- Could well be, yeah.

The time it takes
to get there from Fulham.

You earthlings are too thick.

Domination would be boring.

Well, I don't know.

I always rather fancied
being dominated,

especially by that
Tamara Beckwith.

Top totty.

I mean, she may have
a face like a Teletubby

but I've been told she goes like

a catamaran out of Cowes.

I return to my ship.

Oh. Do you sail too?

Oh. I got a bit of a 42-footer

down at Chichester actually.

I've got a photo of her
somewhere here in my wallet.

I'll just get her out.

There she--

What a thoroughly
bloody nice bloke.

[Frogmella] Oi.

More coke.

[Wayne] What's the magic word,

More bloody coke.

Good girl.

Is everything ready?
I mean, I'm starving.

I think so.

You don't think the turkey
looks a little underdone, do you?

No, it looks perfect to me.


Let's eat the bastard.

[both] Yearg.

[all] Three, two, one,

Happy New Year.

[phone ringing]

Your mum and dad
have gone to bed

and I'm off now.

Happy New Year, love.

Thanks, Gran.

Oh, I'm so sorry you're
missing your party.

You know your granddaddy
wouldn't have wanted you

to miss a good party.

You could've come up tomorrow

but your mum insisted
that you wanted

to come with them.

That was very sweet of you.

Goodnight, dear.

Goodnight, gran.

Come on, Kelly.

Pick up the phone please.

Bound to be me parents.

Nice bed they got,
ain't they?

I'm so glad you're here.

I was really upset about Kevin.

I really had a soft spot for him.

I thought I'd be here
with him now

and then you tell me he's got
a secret girlfriend in Yorkshire.

Still, you've made it all better.

Come here, big boy.
Let's do it again.


Lulu, come to Harry.


Come to Harry, Lulu.

Come to Harry.


Ticky, ticky Lulu.

Ticky, ticky, ticky, Lulu.

Ticky, ticky, ticky, ticky,
ticky, Lulu.

Ticky, ticky, Lulu.

Ticky, ticky, Lulu.

Ticky, ticky, Lulu.

Ticky, ticky, Lulu.

Ticky, ticky, ticky.

♪ Just a perfect day ♪

♪ Drink sangria in the park ♪

♪ And then later ♪

♪ When it gets dark ♪

♪ We go home ♪

♪ Just a perfect day ♪

♪ Feed animals in the zoo ♪

♪ And then later a movie too ♪

♪ And then home ♪

♪ Oh, it's such a perfect day ♪

♪ I'm glad I spent it with you ♪

♪ Oh, such a perfect day ♪

♪ You just keep me hanging on ♪

♪ You just keep me hanging on... ♪

♪ Just a perfect day ♪

♪ Problems all left alone ♪

♪ Weekenders on our own ♪

♪ It's such fun ♪

♪ Just a perfect day ♪

♪ You make me forget myself ♪

♪ I thought I was someone else ♪

♪ Someone good ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh, it's such a perfect day ♪

♪ I am glad I spent it with you ♪

♪ Oh, such a perfect day ♪

♪ You just keep me hanging on ♪

♪ You just keep me
hanging on ♪

♪ Is this the children in need? ♪

♪ Nope ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ You're going to reap
just what you sow ♪

♪ Reap, reap, reap ♪

♪ You're going to reap ♪

♪ Just what you sow ♪

♪ You're gonna reap
just what you sow ♪

♪ Reap, reap, reap, reap, reap ♪

♪ You're going to reap ♪

♪ Just what you sow ♪

♪ Reap, reap, reap,
reap, reap, reap, reap ♪

♪ You're going to reap ♪

♪ Just what you sow ♪

♪ Oh, what a perfect day ♪

We're really cool.