Harry Enfield and Chums (1994–1999): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

We start with a mini-film 'Il Postino Pat', then Big Bob is left holding the baby, while Frank Doberman discusses Jim Davidson.

[theme music playing]


["Postman Pat" theme sang as opera]

[Postman Pat dubbed in Italian]

[Father Timms dubbed in Italian]


[shop bell rings]

[dubbed in Italian]

[Goggins dubbed in Italian]

[dubbed in Italian]

- [explosion]
- [Goggins screams]

[dubbed speaking Italian]

[Goggins] No! Oh, no!

[Postman Pat] Oh!

[dubbed in Italian]


[Goggins] Pat! Oh, no. Pat.

Postino? Postino Pat?

["Postman Pat" theme sang as opera]

Mom? Can I borrow the hoover?
I wanna clean my room.

[scoffs] Pathetic!

Hello. Tim Nice-But-Dim.
How do you do?

Jim James. Pleased to meet you, Tim.

I-- I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch
your name.

Jim James.

No. It's a rugger shirt
and jeans, actually.

Quite like jim-jams.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name.

My name's Jim.

Right. Hello. What do you do, Menimsjim?

I'm a journalist, Tim. I write
for the literary pages of the Times.

What about you?
What line of work are you in?

Yah. Absolutely. I couldn't agree more--

Lovely weather we've been having recently.

No, I asked you what you do.

[snorts] Yeah, jolly good. Yeah.

Your job.

What is it, Tim?

What is it, Tim?

Ah! Got you! Er, ten past eight.

Dim of me.

Cheers. Thanks very much.
How long have you been in England?

Look, let's call it a day, eh?

Holiday? Oh. Have you visited
the Tower of London?

I've got to make a phone call.
I'll see you around.

Ah, now that is one pound.
One pound.

And that is 20p.
Now, three of these make a pound.

- Tim!
- Uh, nearly quarter past--

- Dim of me.
- Listen, Tim.

I am from Scotland, okay?

Ah, it's just "Scotland", now see.
No "okay". But jolly good try, anyway.

Actually, that's another place you should
visit while you're here.

Wonderful scenery.

And marvellous locals. They make
excellent beaters. Very servile, ya.

Of course, your Scot talks in a sort of,
grunty, sort of a way,

but that's because between you
and me, he's a bit dim.

Excuse me?

Oh, right. Huh.


Huh. Have you met Menimsjim?
He's an Eskimo.

What a thoroughly bloody nice bloke.

- [thud]
- [glass shattering]

Excuse me, got a call to come in
to see my new baby boy.

Oh, yes. You mean your new daughter.

Oh, I getcha. I getcha.

Right. Where is the little chap then, eh?

- She's just here.
- [laughs] She. Like it. Like it.

- There we are. Lovely baby girl.
- [laughs] You don't give up, do ya?

He's a beaut, isn't he? Look at him.

You take after your old man,
don't you, son? Right down to your...

- See?
- What you done with it?

- With what?
- What you done with it?

Oh, I getcha. I getcha.

Hey, you girl.
You get yourself a new dress,

he gets his winkie back, nice

But this is not a boy. It's a girl.

Look don't send me
round the houses darling.

Get his todger or I'll lose my rag.

- I'm not quite sure what you're trying--
- All right. All right. All right

Son, tell the lady you're a bloke.

[baby gurgles]

Oh! I getcha. I getcha. Chip
off the old block, ain't you son. Like it.

[hooves approaching]

- Have you got a light?
- No!

[hooves approaching]

S'alright, I got one of Edward's.
I'll see you later, yeah.

Tell you what, Frank. To my mind,
The Generation Game's improved

beyond all recognition since it was taken
over by Davidson.

Oh, talent wise, Davidson's
streets ahead of Forsyth.

I mean, Davidson ain't afraid
to crack a close-to-the-bone joke

at the expense of an ugly old fat bird.

I tell you what,
you'd be a good contestant on that, Frank.

I'd be absolutely brilliant.

- Who would you go on with, your son?
- I'd go on with my niece.

- I'm sorry, Frank. I'm really sorry--
- Shut up! Enough!

You would be good on it though, Frank.
You know, at all the tasks,

like, I don't know,
like keeping 20 plates spinning

- at the same time, you know.
- Piece of piss. Piece of piss.

And I'd fold the pastry correctly,

having remembered
to put the cream in first.

And after the show, I should enjoy
having an informal drink with Davidson.

I'd say, "Davidson, thanks for making
me smile on numerous occasions."

But, if in a quiet moment,
he took me to one side

and said,
"Frank, I got a confession to make.

I've never admired a man
as much as I admire you,"

and instead of shaking my hand,
he started to stroke it.

And then he's gone, "Frank, all my five
wives, they've all been a sham.

Hello, sailor.
How about it, Duckie?"

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes!

And then he's opened up his closet
and out comes his boyfriend Barrymore,

going, "All right, Duckie?"
and they start canoodling,

I should say, "Oi! Davidson! No!
Not you as well.

Get off my screens, both of you,
you filthy, disgusting perverts!"

Probably wouldn't do that though,
would he, Frank?

Of course, he would.
Davidson's a poof. They all are.

Oh, no. Granted, he'll be a bender.

I mean, Davidson probably wouldn't go
out with someone like Barrymore.

You know Davidson has always liked
the younger type of lady.

He'd probably go for the younger
style of-- type of pansy, like your son.

What did you say?

He'd probably go for the younger,
style of-- type of pansy, like your son.

You scum! You piece of shit!

Come here, all of you.
I'll take a lot of you on!

I ain't a poof! Kill!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

My name is Michael Paine,
and I am a nosy neighbour.

Now, the Brazilian beauty who lives
diagonally opposite, but one,

has an inordinate amount
of gentlemen callers.

The other day, I couldn't help it notice

that she went out without double locking
her front door.

For me, a three-lever latch
is the work of an instant.

I use a Safeway's Added Bonus Card.

Do you see? A-B-C.

Added Bonus Card.
It's child's play. But I digress.

Having gained access to her home,
I was able to secrete myself

under the floorboards in her bedroom.

And by means of a small drilled hole,

I had the perfect opportunity to witness
her antics over the next four days.

Do you know what I deduced
from my observations?

I deduced that she'd gone
on bloody holiday.

I was very glad to get home.

Not a lot of people know how bloody glad
I was to get home, but I bloody well was.

Bloody glad. Oh, yes.

- [music playing from house]
- [indistinct chatter]

[Mr Patterson] Ah, at last.

[car engine starts]

Hello, boys!

Mr Patterson.

Hello, Kevin.

Hello, Kevin.

Well, thank you for only making
me wait half an hour.

We said 12 o'clock.

It's now 12:30.

So, that's a big improvement on the hour
you made me wait last week. Thank you.

So, how was the party? Any good?

Have a nice time, Perry?

Mr Patterson.


Mum and I put the new shed
up in the garden today, Kevin.

Quite a job.

Still, looks very good though.

And you know that off-cut
of the new carpet in your room?

Well, your mother
had the brilliant idea of--

Perry... [whispers]

[snorts and laughs]

A lot of traffic for this time of night.

What do you think we should do
about it then, boys?


What do you think we should do
about all the traffic on the roads?

Oh, look. The shoe shop's closed down.

We used to get your shoes there
when you were a little boy.

Do you remember, Kevin?

The lady in that shop adored you.

You loved her as well. You used to run
up to her, give her a great big hug--

[dance music plays loudly]

- Right, that'll be £3.50, please.
- What?

Well, I seem to be your taxi driver.
That'll be £3.50.


You are so pathetic.
You make that joke every time.

I'd like some acknowledgement, that's all.

What's your problem?

I would like some acknowledgement
of the fact that I have stayed up

for three hours and driven
half the way across town to pick you up!

Like a thank you!

- Thank you.
- Mr Patterson.

- [Kevin whispers]
- [both laugh]

- Lulu, lolly.
- [mumbles]

- [Lulu cries]
- Lulu, lolly.

Lulu, lolly.

Lulu, lolly. Lulu, lolly.

Lulu! Lulu, lolly! Lulu, lolly.

Lulu, lolly.


- Where's Lulu?
- Lulu gone back to heaven.

- [Lulu screaming]
- [tapping]

Julio Geordio, five games for Newcastle
and five goals. Superb performance.

Will you be celebrating later?

[speaking in Spanish]

...a neyt with the lads, like...

- Right.
- [continues speaking in Spanish]

...reyt good swallow...

[speaking in Spanish]

...Twinkles nightclub...

[continues speaking in Spanish]

...absolutely arse-holed.

Uh-huh. So, you're fitting in well
with your team mates then?

[speaking in Spanish]

...got meself a BMW convertible, like...

[continues speaking in Spanish]

...tasteless muck Georgian house...

[continues speaking in Spanish]

...hijinks in the hotel
with the lads...

[continues speaking in Spanish]

...shagged that Dani Behr, like.

Julio Geordio. Footballer, gentleman,
stud. Barry.

[speaking in Spanish]

- ...gaggin' for it.
- Barry.

Then what did you do?

Then I bent her over like...

[continues speaking in Spanish]

...said don't move pet...

I have to pay
for that kind of thing, Julio.

And you get it for free. Barry.

♪ He lives in a box
He looks like a corpse ♪

♪ He's dead of course ♪

[narrator] The amazing Mr Dead.
This week, Mr Dead rides again!

Billy Joe. I know you're a nice boy,

but that don't give you no right
to go speeding.

- I'm gonna have to give you all a ticket.
- Why, Officer? I was speeding.

I got Mr Dead here to hospital.
Oh, he don't look so good.

He don't smell too good, neither.

All right. But you tell them quacks
to look him over good.

That's the fourth time this week.

Works every time.

[voice of Mr Dead]
I gotta change my aftershave.

♪ He's dead of course ♪


- Lee?
- What?

Do you know, if you won
the national lottery?


Aha! But would you be happy?


You know, if you won the lottery...

Aha! But would you be happy?

Well, of course, I'd be happy, wouldn't I?
I would have won the lottery.

Aha! But would you be happy?

Lance, I just said, I'd be happy.

You know, I'll have ten million quid
or something.

All right, you'd have ten million quid,
or something, right?

Aha! But would you be happy?

I'd be delirious, Lance.
I'd be over the moon.

So you'd be delirious, right?
You'd be over the moon, right...

Aha! But would you be happy?

Lance, what's the matter with you?
You know, I'd have ten million quid.

I'd buy a brand-new house
with an en suite golf course

and a triple garage
and an indoor pool and an outdoor pool

and a Porsche and a Ferrari
and a Range Rover

and a brand-new Nissan Micra for her.

And a luxury apartment up San Antonio

with a live-in Oriental bird
and a yacht,

a great, big, bloody yacht. All right?

- All right. All right.
- All right.

So, you've got your big house
with your own sweet golf course,

your triple garage, your indoor pool,
your outdoor pool,

your Porsche, your Ferrari,
your Range Rover,

brand new Nissan Micra for her

and a luxury apartment up San Antonio
with a live-in Oriental bird and a yacht.

A great, big, bloody yacht.
Aha! But would you be--

You know, It's just a simple question.
All it requires is an answer, yes or no.

- Yes, Lance, I would be happy!
- Aha! But would you be really--

Somethin' tells me
you're not in a very good mood today,

so I'm gonna go home.

- It's your 21st birthday, dear.
- Yes.

Happy birthday.

[narrator] When a woman reaches the age
of 21, something queer happens.

She suddenly finds herself
no longer interested

merely in dollies and pretty frocks.

She acquires a keen desire
to seek greater knowledge of men.

Until today, she's thought
of these creatures as affable uncles...

stern fathers...

and helpful stable lads.

Now suddenly she views them
with quite different eyes.

As dashing pilots and spunky chaps
with their hats at jaunty angles.

Like all women, she needs a husband
to make her complete.

But she must be careful.
Before she reaches the end of her journey,

she must walk through,
"The Minefield of Caddishness"

Men are not always as they seem.
He may seem a gay chap,

- but is he? Perhaps he's a queer sort.
- But how will I tell?

[narrator] With a little experience,
you'll soon get the hang of it.

Hello. You're a pretty little thing,
aren't you?

He seems nice.

[narrator] Yes, but don't get married yet.
Prod a little further.

I wondered, do you like
the music of Mozart?

Yes, I do. Would you care to come
to the cinema with me on Monday?

Gosh. I could make it on Monday.

And yet I hear alarm bells
ringing in my head.

[narrator] Yes. His appreciation
of Mozart was a hideous fib.

In his eyes, you are only suitable
for a sordid encounter in a dark cinema,

where he secretly desires to take
diabolical liberties with your knees.

- I think I'm busy on Monday.
- Damn and blast. To hell with you then!

I'm off to knife a pensioner
and desecrate a church.

[narrator] See,
he wasn't right for you, was he?


- But wait, here comes another.
- [footsteps approaching]

I find you're uncommon beautiful.

Oh, dear.

[narrator] You know what to do, don't you?


[narrator] That's right.
Strike the toothless, foreign type

savagely into the dirt.

Oh, I'll never find a husband.
It's all so unfair.

[narrator] You are a silly thing.
Now you're getting hysterical. Here!

- There. Better?
- Yes, thank you.

[narrator] Wait a moment. Who's that
bookish looking chap with the kindly face?

Go and hover near him. Perhaps you can
entrap him with your complexion.

How do you do? My name is Charles.

How do you do? I'm Cicely.

- Have I disturbed you?
- No, it's all right.

- I was just writing a cheque for the poor.
- That's awfully nice of you.

Oh, I don't know.
When you're terribly rich

and a keen member
of the Church of England, as I am,

it's important to show
a little modesty and compassion

to those less fortunate than one's self.

[groans softly]

["Wedding March" plays]

♪ If you're a cockney
Where's your handbag ♪

♪ Whizzing down the Scottie Road ♪

♪ Liver lads will come and kick you ♪

♪ Singing "Dey do dough
Don't dey dough?" ♪

- Are you fightin'?
- Are you askin'?

All right, all right,
calm down, calm down.

- Hey!
- Hey! All right, calm down.

[Gary] Stay calm, eh?

[doorbell rings to tune of
"Ferry Across the Mersey"]

- I'll go.
- No. I'll go.

- Hey! I said I'll go.
- I'll go.

- I'll go! All right.
- All right.

- Step outside!
- Right!

Barry, Terry. It's me, Gary.
You know, your long-lost brother.

The loveable scamp with the chirpy gob.

"On a mountain stands a lady,
who she is I do not know."

It's me. Gary. I've come home.

[Barry and Terry] Yer wha?

- You're looking well, Ga'.
- Well, you know, Terry.

My life's been like an ol' bucket
full of brightly coloured precious stones.

But, whenever I pick one out,
it always turns out to be a pebble.

[Barry and Terry] Yer wha?

You've got to learn to get hold
of the underpants of life

and pull yourself
up by the elastic of opportunity.

There with the end of life's rainbow

there's a toilet bowl
full of flipping poop.

You've just got to tell yourself
to remember that today

is what tomorrow was... yesterday.

Are you on crack, Ga'?

My life's been a very happy one, really.


Well, I suppose your lives

aren't always a bundle
of sweet-smelling cherry tomatoes,

are they? But at least you've got Daddy.

- Yeah!
- [glass smashes]

- Here, listen. Are you fightin'?
- Are you askin'?

- I'm askin'.
- Then I'm fightin'.

- Come on then.
- Dey do dough, don't they, though?

- Calm down, calm down!
- [clamouring]


[horse approaching]

Oh, hello.

I didn't see you in Monaco last week.
Were you there?

- No!
- Oh. I tell you, we had a ball.

Coming back right. Got your customs.

Bloke says, "Anything to declare?"
I said, "Yes, my outrageous tan!"

- [horse neighing]
- See you later.