Harriet the Spy (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

[TRAFFIC NOISE]

[GIRL] My nanny, Ole Golly,

says that to be a great writer,
you have to know everything.

And to know everything,
you have to see everything.

And to see everything,
you need to be a spy.

And to be a spy, you need your spy stuff.

[OLE GOLLY] Harriet!

Coming!

[HARRIET] I wasn't supposed to go spying
during a school day, but I didn't care.

For something this big,
rules would have to be broken,

dark secrets exposed,
purple butterfly yo-yos unleashed.



[OLE GOLLY] Harriet M. Welsch,
what are you doing up there?

Nothing.

[HARRIET] Nothing, except getting ready
to go on the most daring, dangerous,

history-making mission of my life.

♪ I just wanna be
You just wanna be ♪

♪ We just wanna be ♪

♪ I am gonna be who I wanna be ♪

♪ My autonomy ♪

♪ No, I won't cut my hair ♪

♪ And I'll wear whatever ♪

♪ I like it when I get to be myself ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be ♪

♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪

Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late.



A lot of extra stuff to pack
for school today.

Something special going on?

Just a big history paper.

- Mom.
- Harriet,

how can you see
with those bangs in your eyes?

I like my bangs.

They're good bangs.

They're great bangs.

What are you writing your paper about?

Something nobody's
ever written about before.

That's what a good writer does.

[HARRIET] That's Ole Golly.
She's my nanny and my guru.

I'd be lost without her.

So what's for lunch today, Ole Golly?

Oh, I don't know.

How about a nice tomato sandwich
with mayonnaise on white bread?

Let me think.

Am I in a "tomato sandwich with mayonnaise
on white bread" kinda mood today?

[HARRIET] Truth is,

I've been in a "tomato sandwich with
mayonnaise on white bread" kinda mood

for about five and a half years straight.

That's 2,008 tomato sandwiches,

which equals about 2,008 times
my mother has said this:

Harriet, if you eat
another tomato sandwich,

you're going to turn into
a tomato sandwich.

I wish.

Gotta go. Wish me luck.

Good luck, honey.

Good luck.

[HORN HONKS]

It's not about luck, Harriet.

Remember, life is a struggle,
and a good spy never quits.

Gotta remember that.

Be a good Harriet.
And watch where you're going!

[WOMAN GASPS]

[BELL RINGS]

[HARRIET]
This is my best friend, Janie Gibbs.

I've known her since kindergarten
and can tell you

she's getting weirder every year.

Sport, would you rather have a head the
size of a pumpkin or the size of a fist?

Hmm.

[HARRIET] Simon "Sport" Rocque is
my other best friend.

In a funny way,
he's getting more normal every year.

How big is the pumpkin?

Hmm, pumpkin.

I don't have time to tell you about
everybody else at the Gregory School.

[SIGHS] However,

I will mention Marion Hawthorne
because she is a mean, rotten person

who Janie and I will
someday get revenge on.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Good morning, Mr. Horatio.

Good morning, Marion.

[GASPS]
Pinky Whitehead, stop what you're doing.

I'm warning you, Pinky.
Last chance. Don't do it.

[SNIFFS]

[SIGHS]

Can I have your attention, please?
Per the class syllabus,

you've got two free periods to do
your off-site history research.

If you're not back in time,
it will be noted in your... Marion?

In your permanent record.

I'm glad I'm not perfect.
I'd be bored to death.

Do you know where I'm going?

Um, to the library, like everybody?

Not me.

You're going spying?

While you guys are researching
old stuff from days of yore,

I'm going to see
some history that's happening today.

Her name is Agatha K. Plumber.

She's some kind of lawyer.

I used to see her every morning
walking her dogs,

who were always wearing
these wild outfits she made herself.

Then one day,
she and her dogs disappeared.

So about four months ago,

I put Mrs. Plumber on my spy route
to see what happened to her.

[DOG BARKS]

[HORN HONKS]

[VOICE ON PHONE, INDISTINCT]

- [BARKS]
- [ALL PANTING]

The good news is,
is she quit her boring job

so she could open a doggy clothing store.

The bad news is…

Do you have any idea how much rent is
on the Upper East Side?

…that it's going to cost a lot of money.

[SIGHS]
I'll have to get a big loan from the bank.

Oh, this could be a disaster.

[CLATTERS]

[HARRIET] Turns out, Mrs. Plumber is
so scared about starting her new life

that she never gets out of bed.

[KNOCKS]

Mrs. Plumber, are you okay?

It's okay, Nadine.

I'm just having a moment. [SIGHS]

[HOWLING]

Oh…

Poor Mrs. Plumber.

Well, if it doesn't work out,

she could always be a bed lady
who lives in her bed.

Janie, she's getting out of bed.

Thanks to some expert spying, I know
she has a hair appointment this morning.

That means she'll have to get out of bed.

Then get her hair done,
then go to the bank,

get a loan, start her fabulous new life.

And I will be there to witness
history in the making.

Uh, yeah, you sure you don't wanna go
to the library?

History isn't just in books, Sport.

It's happening all the time,
all around us.

You just gotta know where to look.

I'll meet you at
that little park on 79th at 11:00.

We can head back to class
and I'll tell you all about

the historic day Mrs. Agatha K. Plumber
got off her butt and started her new life.

She's gonna get an F.

Definitely.

I didn't have a lot of time.

I had to get to the hair salon
to make sure Mrs. Plumber didn't cancel,

then get to
Mrs. Plumber's apartment by 9:45

to witness the exact moment
she got out of bed.

But first, I had to change
into my spy clothes.

[HORN HONKS]

It starts with these glasses
without lenses

that I swiped from my father's desk,
which make me look smarter.

On my spy belt, I carry a flashlight,
a waterproof pouch for my notebook,

another waterproof pouch for extra pens,
a canteen for thirstiness…

Ahhh.

…and a collapsible fork
which I've never used, but you never know.

This is just a junky transistor radio
that I use

- to create a soundtrack for my day.
- [R&B PLAYING]

[HARRIET] I love this song.

♪ Some will learn to shout it
Some won't ♪

♪ But sooner or later, baby
Here's a ditty ♪

♪ Say you're gonna have to get
Right down to the real nitty-gritty ♪

♪ Let's get right down
To the real nitty-gritty ♪

- ♪ Now one, two ♪
- [BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

♪ Nitty-gritty now ♪

♪ Yeah, boom ♪

- Hey, Harriet.
- Hey, Ed.

♪ Ooh-whee ♪

- Hey, how you doing?
- Hey, Squeegee.

♪ Right down to the real nitty-gritty
Double beatin' ♪

Huh? [CHUCKLES]

♪ Double beatin' ♪

♪ Right down to the nitty-gritty ♪

Ha-ha!

♪ Double beatin' ♪

♪ One, two ♪

- Whoo-hoo! [GRUNTS]
- [WINGS FLAPPING]

[GASPS]

[HARRIET] I didn't know
why a cop would be tailing me,

- but I didn't wanna take any chances.
- [TOURISTS SPEAKING GERMAN]

Guten Tag, guten Tag, guten Tag.

Whew!

[GIGGLES]

I made it to Saffron's right on schedule.

- [BELL JINGLES]
- [CLIPPERS BUZZING]

[WHISTLES]

[GASPS]

Why do you hide your eyes, honey?
They're gorgeous.

Just give me ten minutes.
Snip, snip, a whole new you.

Think about it.

Look, I... I just stopped by

to see if dear old Aunt Agatha still has
her hair appointment this morning.

Let me see. Agatha…

Plumber, yes. 10:15.

If you want,
I could fit you right in before...

[HARRIET] Next up, Mrs. Plumber's.

Usually, the best way to get inside

is in the afternoon when
the doormen have to change shifts.

Today I'd have to go with plan B.

Wow, you're really good!

With this job,
I get a lot of time to practice.

I'm pretty good myself.
Wanna see me walk the dog?

Not bad. But watch this.

[CHUCKLES] I don't wanna brag,
little girl, but where I come from,

this is what we call
walking the ding dang…

- [WHIRRING]
- …dog!

[HARRIET] In case you're wondering,
this thing is called a dumbwaiter.

It's an old-fashioned mini elevator

that delivers food and drinks
to different floors.

It's also really good for spying.

[GRUNTING, STRAINING]

Come on!

[HARRIET SCREAMS]

[BREATHES HEAVILY, WHIMPERS]

[MRS. PLUMBER]
There we go. Who looks like a movie star?

[BARKS]

You look like a movie star.

[DOGS BARKING]

Okay, okay. I have to go to the salon now.

[WHISPERING] Yes, you do.

[BARKS]

After all, I've gotta look dazzling
for my big meeting at the bank, don't I?

Yes, you do.

You know me.

When I get my hair done,
I can take on the world.

Yes, you can.

[DOGS GROWL]

[DOGS GROWL]

[DOGS GROWL]

[DOGS GROWL]

[GROWLS]

[HARRIET] I never had a staring contest
with dogs before,

but I thought if I could just
maintain eye contact, I'd be okay.

The problem was, I had to see
her feet touch the floor and make history.

[HARRIET]
Can't look away. Almost there. Come on.

Really wanna look.

Don't look, don't look.

I have to!

[DOGS BARKING]

What in the name of...

Hi.

- [GASPS] Who are you?
- [DOGS WHIMPERING]

What do you want?

Uh, I... I... I can explain.

- Come here, you!
- Ow! Ow, ow.

- [GRUNTS, STRAINS]
- I'm really, really sorry.

Get her out of here!

And don't come back!

[MRS. PLUMBER]
Oh, it's okay. It's okay, babies.

You can stop barking now.
I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry.

I have to cancel all of my appointments.
The dogs are too upset, and I'm too upset.

- [SIGHS]
- What is wrong with this world?

[HARRIET] Spies should not get caught.

That is the one essential thing
about spies.

I'm a rotten spy, which means
I'll never know everything,

which means I will never be a good writer,
or even a regular writer.

- What happened?
- Did Mrs. Plumber get out of bed?

No. I got caught by dogs wearing pants,
and then her housekeeper threw me out.

I can't believe it. Mrs. Plumber's foot
was this close to the floor.

[GROANS] I blew it.

It's okay, Harriet. We still love you.

[SIGHS] Let's just go back.

"Quits"?

"Life is a struggle,
and a good spy never…."

"Quits."

Guys, we can't go back, not yet.

I messed everything up,
but maybe we can fix it.

Your job: Make a new hair appointment
for Mrs. Plumber. 11:30, okay?

Ask for Saffron.
Tell her it's a hair emergency.

Got it.

Janie, don't let them cut your bangs!
That's all they wanna do in there.

Wh-Where we going?

The belly of the beast.

[HARRIET] I gotta get through that door.

The doorman looks really angry.

He probably got in trouble
for letting me sneak in.

Plus, he's a doorman,
how much fun could that be?

I wouldn't mind being a doorman.

You get a uniform.
You know everybody's name.

You're like the mayor of the street.

[GASPS] Why don't you tell him that?
Butter him up, distract him.

I just need a couple of seconds.

Sport Rocque.
I'm a big fan. I really like your work.

Thank you.

- Not everyone around here feels that way.
- What people don't understand is

that there's a lot more to being a doorman
than just opening doors.

Finally, someone who gets it.

Ma'am. [GRUNTS]

Hey, can I wear your hat?
Just for a second?

Hmm, looks good.

It feels good.

- Hey, what does this do?
- It's my cab whistle.

- When you need a cab, you just...
- [BLOWS WHISTLE]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

I'm sorry, Mac. False alarm.
I was talking to this kid.

He was telling me how
he wanted to be a doorman.

I don't get that kind of offer every day.

I even let him wear my hat,
which I'm not really allowed to do.

But you know me, I'm a rules breaker.

So that's the story, Mac.

- Again, I'm real sorry.
- [DOG BARKING]

[ALL BARKING]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

- [TIRES SQUEAL]
- Hey!

What are you doing? Stop right there!
Don't you even think about it.

Stop!

Top of the morning, Miss Welsch.

[PANTING] Give me that.

[BOTH PANTING]

Come here, you!

[PANTS, SIGHS]

Hello, Mrs. Plumber.

And Nadine.

Just wanted to check and see
if everything was okay,

which it looks like it definitely is,
so, uh, I'll just be on... Whoa!

Get back here, you!

Aaah!

Dogs, protect me!

[DOGS WHIMPER]

Mrs. Plumber,
my name is Harriet M. Welsch,

and I'm sorry I keep scaring you
and making your dogs go bananas,

but I have to try and fix
what I messed up,

which is you making history.

I know how scary it is
to try something new.

But Ole Golly says life is a struggle,
and you can never quit,

whether you're a writer, or a spy,

or someone who has
a dream of making pants for dogs.

[STRAINS]

- Oh! [GASPS]
- [SQUEAKS]

- Whoa! [GRUNTS]
- Whoa.

Should dogs wear pants? I-I don't know!
I genuinely don't know.

It seems a little weird,
but I'm not a dog.

[SIGHS] I'm just somebody who's sick
of seeing you flop around like a fish

on this big dog bed!

[SIGHS]
Here's the thing, and I'll keep it simple.

If you don't get off your butt,

get a hairdo that makes
you feel like ten million bucks,

and then go to the bank and get your loan
and open your dog pants store,

I swear I will barge into your room
like a maniac

every single day
for the rest of your life.

Please.

[NADINE GROANS]

I'm calling the police.

No, Nadine, wait. She's right.

I've been languishing in this bed
for far too long.

[BARKS]

That wasn't so hard.

Whoa.

Thank you, Harriet M. Welsch.

You better get going.

What do you mean?
I canceled my hair appointment.

Don't worry, it's been uncanceled.

W-Wait, how?

I've got my people on it.

Not the bangs, not the bangs!

Uh, I don't know.

It might be easier for me to make it
for tomorrow or... or next week.

I like this one for you.

It didn't look good on me.

The cosmopolitan?

It's nice, right?

Could you call us a cab, sir?

Hey, down there. Catch.

Yes! [BLOWS WHISTLE]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[BELL RINGS]

[HARRIET]
Sport and Janie got back just in time

to save their permanent records
from destruction.

[SHOP DOORBELL JINGLES]

They said they'd try and cover for me,
but I told them I'd be okay.

[ALL BARK]

When I got back to school,
I just told Mr. Horatio the truth.

That if I was going to write
a paper about history in the making,

I had to hang around
to make sure I got all the research.

I mean, if you were writing a paper
about Washington crossing the Delaware,

and you were actually on the boat,

you'd wanna make sure old George
got to the other side, right? [SCOFFS]

Mr. Horatio said, "Right,"
but in a way that made me think

I'm probably going to be
staying after school for about ten years.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [OLE GOLLY] Harriet.

It's way past your bedtime.

I wanna write everything down
so I don't forget it.

Can I stay up just a little longer?

[CHUCKLES] I won't tell.

[SIGHS]
Ole Golly, I don't just wanna be a writer,

I wanna be a great writer.

[OLE GOLLY] Well, that means
you've got to know everything.

And to know everything…

You've gotta see everything.

And to see everything…

You've got to be a spy.

♪ I just wanna be
You just wanna be ♪

♪ We just wanna be ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be ♪

♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪

♪ And I try my best to do good
In the neighborhood ♪

♪ I smile real nice ♪

♪ And I strive to tell the truth ♪

♪ I just wanna be
You just wanna be ♪

♪ We just wanna be ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be ♪

♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪

♪ I am gonna be who I wanna be ♪

♪ My autonomy ♪

♪ I just wanna be
You just wanna be ♪

♪ We just wanna be ♪

♪ No, I won't cut my hair ♪

♪ And I'll wear whatever ♪

♪ I like it when I get to be myself ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be ♪

♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪