HarmonQuest (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Goblopolis Lost - full transcript

Spencer: Last season
on "HarmonQuest"...

the dragon plummets into the stone seal,

and then all is quiet,
and all is gone.

- I'm gone?

- Maybe we can find our way back.

Spencer:
Since that fateful day,

our heroes have been working
tirelessly in order to find

a way to bring their friend
Boneweevil back home.

- I am Celty Cerrilian,
the Sorcerer of the Storm!

Spencer:
Celty opens a magical portal.

You find yourself in the demon realm!



There's a blue blur.

both: Boneweevil!

Spencer:
You gotta go to the abyss.

Once you get to the abyss,
you can get out.

- But you're gonna have to
defeat me in a challenge.

- We challenge you to bar trivia.

- Looks like we're losing.

You guys are losers.
- [screams]

- We just killed death.

Spencer: You begin to fall up

into the topless pit of the abyss.

- That demon witch,
Celty, she's at it again,

flying around in a magical castle.

She's pure evil!



Spencer: It looks like the boundary

between hell and Earth is falling apart.

- If we take out the central core

in the middle of the obelisk,

this whole thing should come crashing down.

- Yeah, I-I-I killed the pillar!

Spencer:
The clouds above explode

as a massive floating castle

breaks through the stormy canopy.

- Every time bad things
happen, it's your fault.

- You're a dick!
[yells]

- Get ready to get stabbed.
- What are we doing?

- Fighting.
- Look at this.

What do you say we finish
this off with one last door?

Spencer: You fall to the
ground, a smoldering corpse.

- What the fuck?
- I pick up Fondue's sword.

Spencer: It seems the sword
has captured your spirit.

[door bangs]

- I thought I had it all figured out.

All you had to do was just stay dead.

[thunder booms]

[laughing]
Now here we are.

Some fucking morons

killed the caretaker of the abyss.

Hell and Earth have been crossing over,

and all that's been keeping it separate

is my obelisk network.

I'm very upset.
I'm dead.

- Not the best communicator.
Maybe it's fine.

[people screaming]

Spencer: The demon realm has converged

with the material plane.

It's hell on Earth,
and it's kind of your fault.

Since the dawn of the 1970s,

fantasy role-playing games
have provided men and women

with an escape from their awkward lives.

Today, the most awkward
of them all, Dan Harmon,

is summoning celebrity friends
to play these games of old

in front of a live studio
audience in Hollywood.

I am Spencer, the Game Master,
and this is "HarmonQuest"!

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

God, it is so good to be back.

Welcome to season three
of "HarmonQuest,"

birthplace of a weight loss
plan I like to call

"seeing ourselves in season two"...

[laughter]
Which appears to have worked

very well for more than a few of us.

It is fantastic to be back.

I am the titular Harmon,
but that is a mistake

because the actual star--

and I would call him the creator

at this point of the show,

certainly the sole producer of it--

the Game Master,
Spencer Crittenden.

- Yeah.
[cheers and applause]

- [mouthing words]

- So joining me once again--

thrilled to have her back--
the immaculate,

the conceptual...
- [giggles]

[laughter]

- Erin McGathy.

[cheers and applause]

My other lifelong partner,

the beautiful Jeff Davis.

[laughter]
[cheers and applause]

And returning
as our guest role-player

and someone that probably is
way better at introductions

than me,
our friend Matt Gourley.

[cheers and applause]
- Hi, hi.

Hi. Uh!

- And you're--
you play my father

in the narrative that we have going so far,

and you're better-looking
than me.

You're more talented than me.
You're smarter than me.

- Where did this come in?
When...

[laughter]

- I'm trying to, like,
splay my nervousness.

I don't belong on television.

What else is going on with you?
Is there something that...

- It seems all I do
are podcasts, so...

- You're the podcast master.
You've elevated the art form.

- [laughs]

- You're the Noam Chomsky
of podcasting.

- That, I'll take.
[laughter]

- As we all know
and as probably they know,

but for the few people
who are just deciding

to join us for season three,

we're playing
a fantasy role-playing game

tabletop style.

Spencer is the god
of our world.

We have character sheets
with stats and crap on it,

and we tell him
what we're trying to do.

He rolls dice and tells us

whether what we wanted to do
succeeds or fails.

That being said...

all: Let's quest!

[cheers and applause]

- We find our heroes
in Goblopolis,

the ruined city,

two years after the Helling of Earth

and the death of Fondue.

Our heroes have struggled to survive

in this hostile waste.

Thousands have fallen under
the spell of the Puppet King,

who's taken power since the Helling.

The dusty towers and crumbled
catwalks of Goblopolis

are now the prime fortress
of the Puppet King.

You're traveling
with Chadge Zoobag,

Fondue's dad,

who has discovered
this new secret passageway

through the ruins.

- Chadge?
- Listening.

- What's your secret about
finding secret passages?

It seems like I can't walk,
you know,

20 miles and not find any passages.

You find them like it's no big deal.

- Well, since--you know,
you knew me back when.

I was a fallen half-orc.

Now I've found the light
in the Stone of Forebearance

and have found a born-again
sense of revitalization,

and this,
the Father our Forebear--

Father of the Forebears,
we just want to praise you.

- Stopped listening.
- Okay.

I found a doorway,
a little crack in this tunnel,

and it was sort of a light
that shone through

even though it was a dark light.

I see in negatives and speak in riddles.

[chuckles]
[laughter]

- Chadge, what are all these,
uh, pamphlets in your pocket?

- Oh, these are
"leave behinds."

I like to leave a little trail.

- Am I a sword?

- You sure are, son.

You're a sword and a son.

- And a ghost.
- And a ghost.

You're the Holy Trinity.
[laughter]

- Guys, it's been a wild couple of years.

- It really has.
- It has.

I mean, wowwee.

- Remember that--the day with
the Marblings of Kipernock?

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

I still got a few scars
in my left place.

- I'm still...
[laughter]

I'm still filling out the
insurance work on that one.

- Do you remember the
Battle of Quilted Moments?

- What the--
[laughter]

- There's that day
that Boneweevil

just wouldn't stop climbing
all those ladders.

- Yeah.

- What were you trying
to find?

- I was, uh--I'd just
gotten divorced, and...

[laughter]
- Wow, you guys have had

some great times
over the years.

I've been a long piece of metal
with no arms or legs...

[laughter]

Stuck to my father.

- That's right, son.
I love having you at my hip.

Now, you literally
ghosted me, but we--

[laughter]

We're bigger than that.

We can put that behind us
and charge a new relationship.

Ain't that right, boyo?

- Yeah,
our previous relationship

was based on separation,

and now it's based on...
- Well...

okay, all right, I didn't know
this was gonna be therapy,

'cause if we wanna get
to the reality of it,

your mother left, she took you,

and she went off with that
boneheaded Silab Oflox.

- [groans angrily]
- Oh, hey.

- I'm a weapon,
and I can't kill myself.

[laughter]

- [sighs]
All right, look.

Let's go through this crack

and see what
life has to offer us.

Let's see what Father Forebear
has laid in our--

in our walk with him.

- Please be a trap.
Please be a trap.

Spencer: Heading through
the narrow gap,

you find yourself
on a bridge of natural stone

that forks three ways,
and all three of those ways

head towards
the main goblin hall,

the place
the Puppet King is hiding.

Goblins, eerily silent,

pour out of a darkened gateway
onto the narrow bridge,

and you can see more goblins
leaping off a ledge.

- Let's stop
pussyfooting around.

If it's one thing
I learned from religion,

it's fight first,
ask questions later.

[laughter]

I grab my son
by his short shanks,

lift him over my head,

summon the
Moons of the Three Twins,

and charge it full
of powerful passion light

and the
Father of the Forebearance

and the Stone of our Sisters

and the yearless decades
of epoch 12...

[laughter]

And throw that sword, my son,

into the heart
of the goblin throws!

Spencer: Using your two years
of rekindled bonding

and combined fighting might,

you throw the sword.

It knocks four
clear off the cliff

as it travels
like a lightning bolt

out over the mountain.

- You're supposed
to hang on to me!

[laughter]

- All right, um...
- You left me again, Junior!

- This is not
how abandonment works.

- Why would my son do that?

- You can't
literally throw people

and then be the victim.

[laughter]
Spencer: And the sword--

yeah, it falls off the cliff.

- [shouts]
[laughter]

All--all swords can fly.

Are you fucking kidding me?

[laughter]

Spencer:
The goblins attack.

[dice clatter]
All right.

The goblins swarm in
and attack you

with their rusty weapons.

It's pretty easy
to dodge them,

but a couple
get a few hits in.

- Uh, well, I'm a barbarian.

- Sure.
- Yep.

- [laughs]
And, uh,

hey, goblins!

Y'all look the same.

Let's see if you all...

[laughter]

[applause]

I have no diplomacy.
[laughter]

- Note taken.

- [laughs]

I grab my throwing ax.

I tie the throwing ax
to a rope,

just start whipping around
the ax in a circle.

- You got cleave, right?

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Oh, on here, yes.
- Yeah.

[laughter]

[audience whoops]

That's our show.
- [laughs]

- All right.
- You have boobs, right?

All right, yes.
- You miss, unfortunately.

- Oh, no.
- The rope kind of is too long,

and so it just wraps around
a guy's neck, but, like,

the ax just hits him
in the face rather than,

like, slicing through him
like a weapon might.

- I have something here
called Clay Punch,

and though I'm hoping
that's a party beverage...

[laughter]

I'm gonna go over
and punch a goblin

in the chin smacker.

[laughter]
- All right.

[dice clatter]
You do that,

right in the chin,
dealing 20 damage.

You punch his head clean off.

- Wow.
- Jesus Christ.

[cheers and applause]

- The Father the Bearer
and the Holy Sword.

- Where we at?
- I befriend a lizard.

[laughter]

Spencer: You find a lizard.

Oh, man.
He's cool as hell.

[laughter]

The goblins all attack more.

[dice clatter]

All right, no.
They hit real hard.

Jeff takes 13 damage.
- Holy smoke.

Spencer: And Erin takes 7 as
the goblins surround you more.

But then a dark tide of shadow

catches several goblins
in the chest,

knocking them off the catwalk.

You look to see the source
of the magical display

and you can see
a mysterious stranger

cloaked in dark animal
furths and leathers.

- Ohh.
- Whoa.

- [shudders]

- You look like
you needed help.

- Oh.
- That's right.

I came with two characters.
- Oh!

[cheers and applause]

- Are these goblins dispatched?

- Oh, so many of them are.

In fact,
half of them have been,

and the rest of them retreat.

- Tell us your name, friend.
- Mm.

For now, I will not do that.

- Ooh, he's mysterious,
to be sure.

- Yes, and will be played
by Steven Seagal in the movie.

[laughter]

- If you must
call me something,

call me Shadow Seagal.

[laughter]

Shadow Seagalman.

[laughter]

- Shadow Seagalman, though you
are of a different tribe,

can I interest you in some
information or pamphlets

or "leave behinds"
on my newfound glory?

- Actually, I came

to find the heroes
of Earthscar,

but it looks like you could use
a little help yourselves.

- Yeah, but not if you're just
gonna come in talking shit.

[laughter]

- I thought that
taking care of

a majority of your enemies...
- Okay, okay.

- Would make it clear
that I am no foe.

- Okay, I'm sorry.
[stammers]

"Thank you" is the words
I was looking for.

- Whoever this
puppet master is,

I think I'd be happy
to help you

teach him a lesson in how

the only thing
thicker than string

is chain.

[laughter]

And I swing
my chain weapon around.

- Whoa!

Whoa!

- Rock and roll!
- What the fuck?

- [laughs]
- Holy...

- Look at all
the different shapes!

- [stammers]

This is like
Cirque du Soleil.

- Wow!
- Do you see them sparks fly?

- Could you help us retrieve--
one of our party

is down at the bottom
of the mountain here.

- It's my son,
and he's left me.

[laughter]

- I understand
friendship with weapons...

- [sniffs]

- As the bond between
me and mine...

- Are you gonna do it again?
- Is chain thick.

- Do it again!
- Whoa!

- [laughs] Do it!

[cheers and applause]

Fondue!

You're missing some
serious action up here!

- Have you guys considered,
uh, just--

just leaving me behind
and letting me spin off?

[laughter]

- How many feet down
do you think he is, Spencer?

- Oh, like, thousands.

- So my 50 foot of rope's
not really gonna cut it?

- No.
- Wait.

- You got eternal toilet paper.

- Ooh!

- But that's--
- Is that strong enough?

- No.
[laughter]

- How many ply?
- [laughs] Just two.

- [stammers]
I saw--

if you take toilet paper
and you braid it,

it would actually
become strong like rope,

but it takes, like,
four months to do that.

- Right.

Do you wanna spend
the next four months--

- Four months later...
- [laughs]

- I tie off the--
the infinite toilet paper

to the edge of the bridge
and start

sliding down it to go look.

I'm gonna go look for him,
you guys.

- All right.
[dice clatter]

You get down to the bottom,
and it seems like--

you see hoards
of lizard tracks, like,

that are shortly after
covered.

- Fondue!

- It seems he didn't
wanna be followed.

[laughter]
- Guys, come on down the rope.

Bring the end
of that toilet paper.

I don't care if it takes
four months to find this guy.

[laughter]

He's our friend.

- In the short four months that
I've been traveling with you,

looking unexpectedly
for your lost friend...

[laughter]

I have gotten to know you
well enough to know

that chaos is part
of your quilt.

- Okay, fine.
I'm over here.

- Ah, I found your friend.

[laughter]

- Hello, son.
- This guy's the best.

- Yeah.

- Little sword man,
were you--

- Staying quiet
because I want to die?

Yes.

- A word of advice
to you, friend.

A weapon worth using is worth
being connected to you,

as if a chain...
- He's gonna do it.

- Oh, God!
[cheers and applause]

- I got...

- Fine, fine.

- I thought for sure
after the third month,

I was gonna get sick of that.
I'm not sick of it.

- I always do--I always do
something a little different.

- I know. It's amazing.
- Write your name.

- [grunting]
[laughter]

I only hope the Puppet King
has not grown in strength.

[laughter]

- You're on a narrow
bridge of natural stone.

It has an intersection
that forks three ways,

all leading towards the goblin hall,

where the Puppet King
is hiding.

- I go down the center path.

Spencer: Oh, man.
The doors just open.

[laughter]

- Thank you, Father!

[cheers and applause]

Let's see stepdaddy do that.

Did you see that, son?
Follow me.

I know the way.

Spencer: All right,
you enter a chamber.

It's large and broken.

More than half of it has
fallen away, crumbling,

just leaving an empty hole
in the ground,

and on the far side
across this hole,

you can see a goblin corpse
laying on the ground

in front
of a large bronze door.

- What about the other room
where it looks--

looks like the laboratory?

- It's a bunch
of magical equipment.

You can see, like,
a wizard's cauldron,

some, like,
magical retorts for alchemy,

and some, like, scrolls.

You can even see, like--
what do you call it--

a corn husk doll.

- Ooh, I run

towards the corn husk doll.

- You do that!
- Cool.

I pocket the corn husk doll.

Spencer: Picking up the doll,
you notice

the dead goblin
kind of flies up in the air

and kind of goes,
like, in a big arc.

It just jumps up in the air

and then falls
back on the floor again

in time
with your movements.

- So I take the doll,

and I start doing, like, a--
like, a--like, a dance.

Spencer: And the dead goblin
starts doing a--

like,
a grotesque kind of dance.

- Kill it.
Kill it.

Kill the zombie goblin.

- [laughs]
Come on, guys.

And I show them the doll.
- Oh, aww.

- Aww.
- It was me the whole time.

Ha!
Isn't that funny?

- I think we can use it

to reanimate this dead goblin

to go to the Puppet King
and scare him.

[laughter]

- Just because, I go examine
the rest of the laboratory

and see if there's
anything of value over there.

- You find stuff.

[dice clatter]
- Yeah.

- Oh, boy.

You find
three alchemist's fires

and some dry dust and a scroll.

- I take the--
I take the dust

and the alchemist's fires,

but I don't want
the scroll because

the written word
makes me angry.

Spencer: Right.
[laughter]

- I hear you, friend.

- Large bronze door.

- I take out my crowbar
and I try to crow it open.

Spencer: Oh, man.

Using leverage and
your barbarian strength...

- [grunting]
- You lever open the door.

- [yells]

[cheers and applause]

- It sounded like
you had a plan,

but you didn't finish
saying your plan.

- I like the idea
of putting the--

my son on the dead goblin

and sending him in and he
can tell us what he sees.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I'm doing this voice

and you can--
I'll walk ahead of you.

Spencer: The door grinds open
and the--

the goblin
kind of walks through.

On the throne,
you can see the Puppet King,

and he sees--he sees
the goblin coming through.

He knows--he knows
that this is not right

because he controls
all the goblins.

And this is a goblin that he
hasn't controlled to do this.

- Yeah, but--
- Puppet King, please kill me!

Please melt me down!
Kill me!

I hate my father!
I hate my life!

Just--just kill me!
Spencer: The Puppet King--

- I puppet him to be--to make,
like, "just kidding" hands.

Like...
- Ignore my hands.

Kill me!
Kill me!

- Cross his fingers.

- I'm the sword on the back
of this goblin.

I want to be melted down.

[laughter]

Spencer: Okay, the gob--
[laughter]

The Puppet King dances and
cackles like a merry puppet,

and one of the many statues
in the room,

it turns to you and fires
a harpoon at the goblin

and it just reels it in
like a grappling hook

and, like, it deposits it
into a big hole.

- I mean,
that is an overreaction.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I want to just use
a traditional, uh,

like, chain hook attack.

Can I make that double chains?
Let's make that a double.

- All right.
[laughter]

Oh, boy.
- [gasps]

Spencer: It's a critical hit.

[cheers and applause]

Dealing 20 damage,

you pull him
right off of his throne.

He's all--he's all up next
to you guys, and he's like...

- Ha-ha, this was actually
one of my tricks.

They don't call me
the Puppet King for nothing.

Spencer:
And he turns to Chadge

and blasts him
with a puppet spell

to try and puppet control you.

- Uh-oh.
Spencer: Oh, it fails.

- [laughs]
Spencer: Mental magic

hits your brain,

but your newfound faith

has made you strong
and resilient.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

- I take a second
to sing a hymn of praise.

♪ We lift you up ♪

♪ We see your light ♪

♪ You Father Forebear us ♪

♪ Through the night ♪

Amen.

- All right, I think
that's you, Erin.

- Okay, I come running in,
wielding my sword

and I look to
Shadow Seagalman and I say,

can I join the chain gang?

[laughter]
- Nice.

- We are family.
- Great.

And then I...
[laughs]

And then I go into
a barbarian rage,

as I'm wont to do,

and I start
whipping around Only Friend,

and I head straight
for the Puppet King.

[sings Celtic chant]

[cheers and applause]

Spencer: You hit...
[dice rattle]

Right in his chest
for 18 damage.

[cheers and applause]

You cleave a large chunk
out of his puppet body,

and he's got a big wedge
like he's a wood that--

like, a log that's being cut
mostly in half.

- Ha-ha!
Marry ya next.

[audience oohs]

- I walk right up to that
Pinocchio-looking motherfucker

and I say,

you'll never know what it's
like to feel like a real boy.

[laughter]

I'm out of Clay Punches,

but I've got
a level four Megaton Punch

to the lying Pinocchio nose.

- Do you--
how much damage does that do?

- I'll tell you.
- Thank you.

- Uh, 8D8.

- Oh, shit.
[audience whoops]

That's a lot.
- In an area.

- [grunts]
- Oh! It's a megaton impact.

As a crater forms,
an explosion happens!

The Puppet King is just
obliterated into...

[laughter]

Into a shower of--

[cheers and applause]

Destroyed into
a shower of splinters

and wood and stone pebbles.

- I high-five him
and it knocks me

all the way across the room.

Spencer: As, like--

as the magic that binds
his body kind of dissipates,

you can hear the shadowy voice
kind of go...

[spooky voice]
They said I could rule you.

[normal voice] His treasure
is yours for the taking.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yay.

- Oh, look at this.

There's a giant pile
of treasure back here.

- You get 500 gold pieces.

You find a bone wand.

Oh, and you find--
- Look at this.

- This is Goblin Fray
the Surging Tide,

the goblin relic
of heroes and kings,

known for always
tugging one in the direction

of one's ultimate ambitions.

- I'm gonna pocket that one.
That's my kind of stuff.

- Dad!
Come down here in this hole.

- Don't worry.
I've got this.

Son, it's time
for me to come clean.

I've--I've wronged you.

I was the one that
abandoned you those two,

three, four, five,
six, seven, and eight times.

[laughter]

But that ninth time,
that was all your mom.

- Shadow Seagalman

closes the cover on the hole
that they're in.

I am not a man
given to deception,

except on this one account.

I have withheld my identity.

- Uh-oh.

- Beor O'Shift,

I am your brother,
Limerick.

all: Oh!

- [laughs]

[cheers and applause]

- Limerick?
[laughs]

I thought you were--

I thought you were dead.
- He was dead.

- Just start
socking him in the mouth.

- It's all right.
- Okay.

- I was resurrected by the

barbarian blood priests
back home.

- Oh.
- Hmm, been there.

- Our tribe has...
[laughter]

Our tribe has seen
some better days, sister.

They've fallen in with demons.
- Oh, God.

- We must return home
to the Skulltree barbarians

and save our home from
their demonic corruption.

Sister, I've--
- Brother.

- I've come to take you home.

- Is it, like, far?

[laughter]

- Your friends can help
if they desire,

but I have no need for them.

I came for you.
- Right.

The thing is,
Limerick, I need them,

so if you need me,
then you need them as well.

- In the O'Shift clan,
need is important.

[laughter]

- Also, the last four months,

I've been very heavily
flirting with you

and, um,

feel a little grossed out now,
a little upset.

Kind of wish you would've
revealed who you were

a bit sooner.

- It's my fault.
I should've said.

It makes sense.

Look, there's taboos
about incest.

I think that they're
a little draconian.

[laughter]

- But would our heroes be able

to save the barbarian
encampment from their ails?

What would happen
in the post-apocalypse,

and would they be able
to survive

in this newly helled world?

And could Limerick pull off
his new headwear?

Find out next time
on "HarmonQuest."

[cheers and applause]

- Spencer Crittenden,
everybody.

- Thanks.

- Erin McGathy.

Jeff Davis.

The magnificent Matt Gourley.

I am Dan Harmon.
This has been my quest.

- [laughs]
- We'll see you next episode.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[adventurous music]

[dramatic music]

- ♪ HarmonQuest, Quest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest, Quest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest, Quest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest, Quest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest, Quest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest, Quest ♪

♪ HarmonQuest ♪

- HarmonQuest.

- Did you get any of that?

- It's-a good-a show!

[upbeat accordion music]